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Venting......

I need to be a little lighter on myself. But as usual I am beating myself up for what's wrong with my life.   So, no referral faxing yet....and even though is shouldve happened last week. Maybe this week it will happen.   So, Ive been thinking about how being overweight has held me back in so many ways....   No husband at 35 and I cant help but think now that because I never felt worthy..(being fat) that I never opened myself up to expecting or expecting someone to fall for me.   I'm tired of sharing my bed with someone who doesnt desire more from me, and hold me up to sociey's standards of beauty and not being fat. Tired of being judges downward because I ate and what the eating has caused. Feeling less than because society says that I am.   I held myself back socially because I didnt want to be compared to women of a lesser size. People think that I am really outgoing but that is all a front.   I have a great smile and that is what I have hid behind all of my dating or lack of dating life. I have found myself going after men who were either not available or not "ready" to commit even a courtship with me. I hate myself for dragging out those relatonships that were doomed from the start.   Being told all of your life that you have a beautiful face and being sufficed by that alone. It is getting old hearing that.   And because I diabetic and high BP, I feel that I have unintentionally sabotaged myself, as I turned to food and overeating every time.   As I lay alone in my bed at night, I wonder what if anything I would do differently if I had a real chance at life, I would not hold myself back and try new things.   Poeple who have lost the weight that held them back , not only look differently but tell tales of a new lease on a bad life....   I pray that I get this surgery because I feel that its my turn...before I get too old for babies, love and a healthy life.:glare:   I want so much to be in love with myself, and yet, I cant because I know that I havent given myself a real chance at happiness. Sorry, If I am depressing anyone reading this...just venting...   So tired are my tears...:thumbup:
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

6
 

Sucking at success.....

I just have been banded on January 6, 2009. I really had a protein meat preop diet, and my post op was liquids for a week. I lost 8lbs. But since I have been on solids, I have been up to my old tricks again and I feel ashamed! I am exuding NO will power and still snacking on garbage, sweets and fast foods! I hate myself right now. I wont get a fill until feb. 16th and i have gained back 4 of the 8 pounds i lost on my liquid diet! I feel like a total loser, (and not in a good way). Help me, someone, Im drowning!:sad:
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

4
 

Screwing Up....

So, with 6 months to go until banding.... I have good days and bad days, but yesterday I ate like a cow. I mean, OK, I am on my monthly, but the grazing that I did yesterday on cake was disgusting. It makes me wonder if this surgery would even be a benefit for someone like me who can fall so far off the wagon, like I did. I hate myself for what I did. Sometimes I feel like I don't even realize what I am doing until after Ive eaten it, or too much of it. I feel like a f*cking screw up!   I feel like some out of control monster...
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

4
 

Banded! January 6, 2010!

OMG, its been a long while an yes I am finally on the other side. I am taking two weeks off to get my rest in and I am sore, but happy!!!!!!!!!! I a=have already lost 6 lbs in the first 3 days of being banded and am sooo ready to lose so much more! I love you guys and thank you for the support on here and on Youtube! Muah!
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

3
 

Munchies, Fast Food...Still losing control.......

OK, so since I wont probably be banded til October 2009, I decided yesterday that I would really try with my eating all of this garbage and fast food. :thumbup:   SO this morning, I check my blood sugar and it was kinda high, which for me is actually normal. :glare: But, I decided that instead of a breakfast sandwich from BK, that I would buy some heart healthy and lower sugar oatmeal... which I actually like. SO I did and I ate a cup and I was content...:sad:   Later on in the day I went to a friend's house and had a little to drink and began to have the munchies and on the way home I was really craving.... :drool:SO I decided that, I would get a a salad from BK...yeah right!   I ordered probably the most fattening fried chicken sandwich w/fries and just as I was about to pull from the window..greedy me ordered one of their oreo cookie sundae shakes. :blushing:And boy, did this lady pour those crushed oreo cookies on .... SO I did it...before I blinked I was done with it all and felt like crap...:mad:   I remember my stomach hurting on the way home and thinking to myself...."when are :thumbdown:you going to just stop?" I feel so low..   I wanted to throw it all up..because I felt so greasy and heavy, but I just couldnt bring myself to that point...so I did what I usually do when I binge...I went to sleep...I had a 4 hour coma and now Im woke...I hate myself for what I do today.... This cigarette is making me feel even more gross:sad:   Thursday Im going to see the doc, and I hope this new doc....wants to help me...
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

3
 

New Doc...Better Results!

So, I met with my new doc last Thurs. and he is a dream. :tt1: He asked me the typical "What can I do for you today?" and I told him about pursuing lapband surgery and the nightmare doctors group that I just left for him. :w00t:   He said..after looking through my records, my progress, my weight, diabetic history and high bp and said..."I see no reason why you shouldn't get the surgery,YOU need this surgery! :eek2:   SO I told him how I have been talking to a Bariatric advocate (Tina) and he told me to find out what he needs to write or do to help me get there. He wrote the referral to the lap band surgeon...:crying:   Soooo I am so excited that the ball is finally rolling! I am waiting for this referral to go through!:cool2:   Thank you Lord! :biggrin:
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

3
 

Results from the Review!

So, just I had suspected they want me to do a 6 month pre bariatric program. Which is fine because I expected my surgery to be in October! That is great news. As I said on my vlog, I don't care what it takes..I will do it! :tt2: So, thank God!
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

2
 

My Vlog on youtube!

So, Ive started a VLOG on YouTube! CHeck me out and comment and subscribe to it... my name is : CoCoBandster   So, Ive started a VLOG on YouTube! CHeck me out and comment and subscribe to it... my name is : CoCoBandster
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

1
 

The Wrong Doctors...all this time?

So, I'm finding out today the the doctor's group that I have been with since 2007, hardly ever pushes people's paperwork through, even if you have been working with them on weight, and diabetes management all of this time!:biggrin:   Crrrap!!!!!!!!!! :thumbup:   I ordered all of my records from them and found that I have finished with bc/bs's criteria for psych, nutrition, and seeing and endo, but I have not made this doctor's group's criteria (which is 12 consecutive months), and bc/bs only needed 6 mo. Aye!   So I went to a bariatric clinic, whose advocate for wls name is Tina. Just seeing her name as I am typing it gives me *butterflies*, ahhhh Tina!:frown:   Tina "hinted" at a nother doctor's group who with six months of post op training (something my old doctors group wouldn't even begin with me), would prep me for getting the surgery in 6 mo. if I start now:rolleyes2:.   SO I spent all day "crossing over" to the new group and my insurance to them as well. SO I beleive this is a good thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!   God Bless Tina.............:tt2:
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

1
 

The Waiting Game......

Well, allegedly:confused:, my referral was faxed yesterday and I am supposed to learn what if anything is left for me to do from the docs:bored:. So, I am anxious, but trying to think positively :rolleyes2:and continue to pray....(keeping my fingers and toes crossed!:smile2:   Maybe I need to stop looking at the clock and the calendar!   Aye Caramba!:tt2:
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

1
 

Referral Faxed and in Review Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!

I called the doc. group today after my last post and they told me that they did reeive my referral and that its in review!!!!:tt2:   Keep those prayers a comin! :rolleyes2:And let me know if you would like prayer for your situation too!! Remember from the Bible: “Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven.” :smile2: And, I just did another vlog on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/CoCoBandster
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

1
 

Insurance Submission Letter

My Bariatric Advocate...Tina, says that ikt couldnt hurt to send a letter in with my paperwork..so I am pasting it here. Please comment on what you think:   May 6, 2009 I am writing this letter to beg that you consider allowing me to have the Lap- Band surgery for morbid obese members. I have always been a little overweight since a child. I was overweight as a teen, college student and now at thirty-five, I find myself combating every disease and condition that will most likely end my life. I have high cholesterol and I am diabetic, type 2. In October of 2008, I was admitted into the hospital for high blood pressure at. My weight is 250 @ 5’5”, with a BMI over 40. I have tried to fight this disease for over 4 years, with high sugar levels and I fear that I may be losing. Even on medication, my blood pressure can still hit dangerous spikes from any emotion that I have. I am afraid and I know that I have tried everything to get this weight off of me. I have lost weight and gained it back, feeling like a failure every time. I didn’t know what, whatever is in my will, that I could possibly do to improve my condition and control my appetite. I am ready to make a real change in my life and my overall health. I am asking, along with my years of documented seeking of help, that I be considered for the lap-band surgery. I asked my doctors years ago to work with me so that I would meet all of the requirements that Blue Cross Blue Shield would require. I have met almost every appointment that was scheduled except for those times when I just didn’t have the co-pay. I am very serious about improving my health and adding years to my life. I am 35 and I need the added support that the lap band surgery can offer to my commitment of losing weight. Thank you for your care and consideration in health. NiaNikole...
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

1
 

2 months to go!

I know that my last post was over 4 months ago, but I figured that I would do the youtube thing and get started building my vlog. Thanks to everyone that has subscribed to my videos and left me comments. One of my best friends was banded in June, so I am very glad that I am able to watch and learn from her. So, I did lose 6 pounds in June, and then gained 3 back in April. I am beginning to start on my masters degree next week, and they have a full gym and pool and its free to students, so I have NO EXCUSE now about working out! Plus, because I am a tacher, I am going back to work neext week so I wont just be sitting arouund the house thinking about what I can eat next..So, heere I go...My last bariatric meeting will be in the middle of October, so hoefully I can have my surgery soon after that.
CoCoBandster

CoCoBandster

1
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