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Barium swallow

Ok, Barium Swallow done....and GROSSS!!!! I was unprepared for how disgusting that would be!!   I got to the Radiology appt WAY early. Living in DC Metro...the traffic is SO unpredictable. This morning wasn't so bad, so I got there at 7:12 and my appt was at 8:00. I found a Starbucks and got my drink for when I'm done with the B.S. I had to fast from midnight until the appt. I didn't tell them that I ate tacos last night and had horrible reflux so I drank 1 cup of milk at 1:30....I figure it has run it's course by now. And I guess it did--they didn't say anything about it.   I had to take a shot of this extreemly FIZZY stuff that tasted like unflavored AlkaSeltzer. That stuff is s'posed to blow up your stomach and make you feel like you have to burp--but you are s'posed to keep it all in. Then about a cup of the "heavy barium". The X-ray tech says "Take 2 swallows" and then takes a million films...then more swallows. And flipping over and over trying to keep your boobs in line. It wasn't so much the taste as the texture of this barium that was so gross. It felt like swallowing white floam.   But, it is one more thing down!! I made my appt with PCP for Medical Clearance, Phsyc Eval appt, PRE-OP Appt. Everything is scheduled and on track!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

4
 

Approved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is NO font big enough to show how COMPLETELY excited I am right now!!!! WOW!!!!!! I only have 15 minutes to write, so I'll make this quick, but am beside myself with HOPE and crazy GLEE!!! I went to PCP this morning---and asked her about Lap-Band. She talked about the risks, the chance of having digestive problems, more risks...etc. I have NEVER had a doctor, look up my BMI and give me cause for concern. But today she did...and she gave me a scrip for BP meds. I was excited about that and called the insurance coordinator before I was even out the door to tell her that I've got ANOTHER comorbidity!!! WOO-HOO!!! And she said, that she already had tried to call me to say that the insurance came back APPROVED!!!!! I screamed on the phone! Poor lady, but she was fine with it. It is prob'ly one of the best jobs in the world to call and tell people that. So, now I tentatively put my date down as June 17th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!   TO KNOW WITH CERTAINTY that THIS time I will be able to do this. To know that I won't blow all my good effort and excercise on a bad meal! These things are priceless and out of my realm of explaination!!! YES!!!!!!   Tonight I call my skinny mother and skinny sister. I've told my two sisters who are also overweight and they completely understand. I don't want to put the burden on them to support this without my other sister and mom. But no way in hell will I tell my inlaws!!!   But before I call, I'm going to get out my low-rider khaki GAP goal pants and hang them on the wall.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

6
 

A week from now....

In one week I will hopefully be prepped for surgery and getting ready to go under. My surgery is scheduled for 2pm on June 17th.   Today is day one of my pre-op diet. I am crashing hard!!!!!! Everything was stockpiled and ready to go to get thru the day. I am taking RELIV vitamins and Isopure protein drinks. I am thanking God above for Isopure--although right now I can't even bear to think about drinking another one--they are a God-send! How well do I remember the days back even 10 years ago--and the hideously disgusting protein shakes that I would choke down doing the Body For Life challenges and trying to get ripped. I'm a LONG way from ripped--but this stuff makes this phase so much easier.   Right now I am sweaty, nauseous, shaky, can't think or focus, want to cry. This is my body's typical reaction to drastic drop in blood sugar from cutting out carbs. I've had my limit of carbs already for the day and have been snacking on nuts and other NO carb things....but not helping. Completely second guessing my resolve and my ability to get this surgery. I'm wondering if I totally caved and ate something if I would just feel better. But I know I WOULD feel better--but I would not be better. This is part of the cost I counted before I started this journey...and I will be ok. It is day one --six more to go until I'm banded. It is a miracle that I was even approved and so many of my friends don't have this opportunity. I've got to seize this day for me, my little family, my sister that wants to get this, and all my friends who would die to be a week away from surgery, but aren't able to.   My daughter went to be with her dad for a few days, then to Missouri to visit my sisters and family for a week. I will miss her SO bad, but thankful she will be away for this pre-op diet---that I don't have to make any food for her in the next week and that she won't be around for the surgery. She'll be back 2 days after with my awesome sister who is the best nurse in the world.   My husband is the best in the world! SO supportive of me and is vowing to go on some kind of crash diet this week too, so I won't be alone. The good part about this is not having to smell or make good food (tuna is not a temptation) or fast food or any of that stuff. He will likely lose more weight than me in the next few days but who cares. I'm going to be banded in a WEEK!!!   Oh, side note----ha ha ha---my skinny mother in law (who still knows nothing about the surgery) made a comment about how much weight I had gained since Easter. She thinks it's thyroid meds causing me to go "up and down". And she was concerned. I've gained 9 pounds since Easter--but have to agree....these last 9 pounds were BAD ones---and I felt like each one was an extra comorbidity for how horrible physically I felt with each one--not to mention the inches around my middle! My ex was at my daughter's kindergarden graduation last night--and he didn't say anything but I prob'ly weight more than him for the first time ever. Not cool.   I had my "last supper" last night, and had heartburn (STILL) from it clear up till 11:00 this morning.   I CAN make it thru today...and will take this one day at a time.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

8
 

A little bit bummed...

Mother's Day was wonderful! I have the best family in the world!! After church yesterday, we all trapesed over to my skinny in-laws house and stayed there the rest of the day. I was feeling really fat (Husband took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant), and I was noticing how the top part of my stomach was rubbing against my top. Gross.   But I've felt a shift in my attitude...I am not defeated by this fat, because i know in a year it won't be like this.   I called my mom for Mother's Day and caught up on everything at home (1,000 miles away) and then I dropped the bomb about what I am "thinking" about doing. I didn't tell her that my barium test is tomorrow, my phsych evaluation is next week and my preop appt is right around the corneer. She was really shocked that I would do something so drastic...and she said, "Wouldn't it be aweful if you died on the table doing something like this?" (NOT saying that I haven't thought about that)...but she was extremely reserved and skeptical of the whole idea of this surgery.   When I told my skinny sister on Friday she said, "OH, I hate to think about you living your life unable to enjoy stuffing at Thanksgiving, a piece of pizza...those kinds of things." She has never felt the shame of walking up to a sink in a public restroom and never looking at herself in the mirror because the reflection is not something you want to be reminded of.   I know that this surgery is a huge step and that I will give up alot of things that I enjoy now. I know that I am biting off a whole lot more than I can chew. But, food--to me--has been chains,.... holding me inside, keeping me back, stealing my health, draining my energy, feeling like a slave, losing my confidence. This step is declaring war and changing my relationship with food. I am putting a boundary on a toxic relationship with food and saying---THIS is how far you can come! I am taking my life back sooner than later!   And, yeah...I AM scared to death that I could "die on the table" and with a beautiful six-year old daughter there is nothing that would justify that or say that it was "worth it". If I die on the table, or from complications from surgery it would NEVER be worth Jasmine losing a mommy!!   So, I'm just kind of discouraged today. AND I started the pill again, so hormones are a little whacked....   Tomorrow is the barium swallow. Woo-Hoo! I wonder how that will taste. :oP   BUT I'm APPROVED!!! I talked to my husband about all of this and he said that you take risks driving to work every day on 66. That this is something that he supports me 100% on and that "we are doing this" and you'll never regret it. That's what I needed.   I know I'm 33 and I don't need permission....but I want supportive family. It means alot to me that this huge step would be backed up by them. NOW I can completely understand not telling ANYONE until it's over.....sometimes it just kind of drags you down.   But then I met my husband online---and moved 1,000 miles away to have my dream life now. Sometimes you just know in your heart what is right for you--even when other's would NEVER do it in a million years.   I've just given this whole thing to God...there are alot of tests and things yet to go....if I'm not supposed to do it, I'm just praying that He makes it impossible for me to do it. God is in control and I can rest assured in that.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

6
 

6 month Bandiversary and New Year's goals

Well, a few days ago I celebrated my 6 month Bandiversary. It feels kindof bitter-sweet to me. I am SOO not where I wanted to be by this time, but I am trying not to be discouraged and trying to be happy with my accomplishments so far. From that point until today I have lost 25 pounds. Right at about a pound a week. I can't say that I didn't try--there were periods where I tried really hard--but then there were long stretches where I didn't try at all. The good part is that in a typical 6 months of that kind of motivation and attitude I would have prob'ly gained 10 lost 5. Weight going up and down on the scale, but mostly up.   A year ago--looking into 2009--I had NOOO idea that I would have the band "installed". I was relying on my willpower and motivation to accomplish the 2009 New Year's Resolutions. Writing those things down (which I ALWAYS do--not just about weight) seemed somehow defeating and like pipe dreams.   Looking back, I know I made the right decision to get the band. The weight-loss has been ALOT slower than I thought it would be...but it has BEEN happening--even without the motivation and the drive being there. It really IS coming off. And that has never happened before.   I really struggle with getting myself motivated to diet since having the band. I struggle with following the band rules and with making the right choices. I struggle to set an appointment with my band DR. because I had set a goal to lose 10 pounds by the next appointment for a fill and I'm not there yet.   I can tell a big difference in how I look when I stand up--especially around my ribs/waist area. But, when I sit down!! It's almost worse than before somehow--like a Bean Bag with rolls!! I don't know if it's extra skin or if it is just something I've never noticed before--but I've seen it TWICE in the last two weeks and been floored by how bad it looked! I got my hair done last night and of course there is a full-length mirror--floor to ceiling and I'm sitting there crossing my legs explaining to the size -2 hairdresser what I want my hair to end up looking like and all I can see is ROLLS!!! AAAGGHH!! So, I made some new resolutions sitting there. To use this band to fullest.   The band is another tool in my arsenol. It is my safety net more than anything else. I really havn't got alot of the benefit of not being hungry between meals---but remember I havn't been using it as directed most of the time. I still drink with my meals (a big no-no) and eat mushy foods--which go down way too easy. But where I notice it helping me the most is when I don't give a crap about diet and I want to eat a big meal--NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!   I just got a fill today. My fourth one. I should have had one alot earlier than this, but I got H1N1 in October--cancelled my appointment. Got Broncitis and Sinus Infections (2) in November/December...just getting off my huge horse-pill antibiotics 3 rounds of that. I didn't want to get a fill for fear that those wouldn't go down.   So--4th fill today. I know, I know. It's December 22nd. 2 days liquid...2 days mushies--regular food Saturday the 26th. I've got Christmas Eve dinner with the family on the 24th. Saturday--breakfast with the inlaws. And then going to Illinois to visit my family for two weeks. It isn't going to be easy. I thought about waiting until I got back to get the fill. But then I thought about it and realized that this is exactly WHY I got the band in the first place---to make a big difference when I need it. I NEED MY SAFETY NET the next two weeks!!!!   Something that has been bothering me is the fact that my husband and I have been wanting to have a baby. Our goal was to start trying (again) in January. Of course, that was when I thought I would be down to 150 by January. I'm 189 right now. My blood pressure is down but not down to where I would feel comfortable being pregnant. I'm not worried about ANYTHING to do with the band or gaining too much weight or not being able to lose the weight or even not being down to where I wanted to be. I know that this is a tool for life and it may take me a long time to get there, but getting there is the goal not how long it takes. But, I AM worried about feeling like crap while I'm pregnant. I remember last time when I was pregnant, my blood pressure got to be 204/98 towards the end. I felt AWEFUL and miserable. And I weighed 202 at the 40 week point. I'm so scared of feeling that bad or worse with this one!   Another thing that has me worried, is that my lap-band DR has "free" fills for the first year. Nothing is charged for those visits. I don't know what happens after a year, if that can be charged to insurance or not--or if that is out of pocket per fill. I really want to take advantage of that window of time while I have it!   So---I kindof feel like maybe we should wait until March to start trying. I could take now until January 6th when I get back from Illinois to sit down and map out a strategy that would get me to the place where I would be comfortable and excited about getting pregnant. To get motivated about losing weight and implementing healthy positive lifestyle changes--not just letting the band lose weight for me.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

23 days left before band

I'm kind of in a whirl the last few days/weeks. I have been meaning to start exercising intensely every day and focusing on eating my veggies to get my blood, heart and body as ready physiologically as I can for surgery.   For whatever reason, my body has kindof "shifted" for the worse and my food cravings and addiction-like feelings towards food have gotten more and more toxic. I walked 3 miles on Saturday (outside--prob'ly shouldn't have done that with the pollen) and I was DYING!!! My ankles have been SO puffy after each day of work. The 10 pounds I gained to qualify for the insurance have come with a vengence and I guess I got those the hard way, because they are HERE to STAY it feels like! And with them--heartburn out of my mind, breathless at the slightest exertion, and a "free for all" feeling of eating "my last" filet mignon, soft pretzels upon soft pretzels, cookie dough, mint chocolate shakes before the surgery. I feel so afraid that I will fail at this surgery and what it takes to make it successful. I feel almost clingy to my crazy eating habits that have taken me to this place.   This week is a crazy week. Today I have my thyroid doctor (typical checkup), tomorrow the appointment with the lawyer to do my will/trust/power of attorney, Wednesday I have my OBGYN yearly appt and then the PCP pre-op appointment. June 2nd is the PREOP with my surgeon.     Today I really want to focus on my goals for the next three weeks and really try to take back the reins for this getting myself ready for surgery.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
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