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A little bit bummed...

Mother's Day was wonderful! I have the best family in the world!! After church yesterday, we all trapesed over to my skinny in-laws house and stayed there the rest of the day. I was feeling really fat (Husband took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant), and I was noticing how the top part of my stomach was rubbing against my top. Gross.   But I've felt a shift in my attitude...I am not defeated by this fat, because i know in a year it won't be like this.   I called my mom for Mother's Day and caught up on everything at home (1,000 miles away) and then I dropped the bomb about what I am "thinking" about doing. I didn't tell her that my barium test is tomorrow, my phsych evaluation is next week and my preop appt is right around the corneer. She was really shocked that I would do something so drastic...and she said, "Wouldn't it be aweful if you died on the table doing something like this?" (NOT saying that I haven't thought about that)...but she was extremely reserved and skeptical of the whole idea of this surgery.   When I told my skinny sister on Friday she said, "OH, I hate to think about you living your life unable to enjoy stuffing at Thanksgiving, a piece of pizza...those kinds of things." She has never felt the shame of walking up to a sink in a public restroom and never looking at herself in the mirror because the reflection is not something you want to be reminded of.   I know that this surgery is a huge step and that I will give up alot of things that I enjoy now. I know that I am biting off a whole lot more than I can chew. But, food--to me--has been chains,.... holding me inside, keeping me back, stealing my health, draining my energy, feeling like a slave, losing my confidence. This step is declaring war and changing my relationship with food. I am putting a boundary on a toxic relationship with food and saying---THIS is how far you can come! I am taking my life back sooner than later!   And, yeah...I AM scared to death that I could "die on the table" and with a beautiful six-year old daughter there is nothing that would justify that or say that it was "worth it". If I die on the table, or from complications from surgery it would NEVER be worth Jasmine losing a mommy!!   So, I'm just kind of discouraged today. AND I started the pill again, so hormones are a little whacked....   Tomorrow is the barium swallow. Woo-Hoo! I wonder how that will taste. :oP   BUT I'm APPROVED!!! I talked to my husband about all of this and he said that you take risks driving to work every day on 66. That this is something that he supports me 100% on and that "we are doing this" and you'll never regret it. That's what I needed.   I know I'm 33 and I don't need permission....but I want supportive family. It means alot to me that this huge step would be backed up by them. NOW I can completely understand not telling ANYONE until it's over.....sometimes it just kind of drags you down.   But then I met my husband online---and moved 1,000 miles away to have my dream life now. Sometimes you just know in your heart what is right for you--even when other's would NEVER do it in a million years.   I've just given this whole thing to God...there are alot of tests and things yet to go....if I'm not supposed to do it, I'm just praying that He makes it impossible for me to do it. God is in control and I can rest assured in that.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

6
 

Here's to wearing a sun-dress again!!!

I'm still existing in a sparkling effervesence of *APPROVED*....I tried to call my skinny mom and sister last night and they were both busy with different things, so I didn't have the lapband talk with them. And I'm glad I didn't last night....I was just TOO excited. My husband was depressed about something, so all my glee just kindof bounced off of him. But, I DID tell my daughter (she's 6) and it was prob'ly bad judgement b/c she will doubtless leak the word out to my ex (her dad) and prob'ly my skinny in-laws. But last night was worth it. We were both just jumping up and down celebrating, because "when I get skinny I can wear beautiful dresses again!!!" I can't tell you how many Sunday's when we're getting ready for church she has asked, "Mommy are you wearing a dress today? How bout that beautiful one in your closet???" But I always end up putting on the black pants and some dark colored top on.   So here's... to wearing a flouncy, colorful, sundress with regular width platform high-heeled sandals...
to wearing crisp white pants without wondering how bad it looks.
to having sex again---really good sex without feeling self-conscious and wanting to cover myself up...
to going golfing with my husband in a cute little golf-skort and sleevless top...
to letting go of this feeling of defeat and shrowding...and really being ALIVE and VIBRANT in my life...
to taking LOTS of pictures and never hiding from the camera again...
to actually looking forward to the events at work and the weddings in the summer...
to feeling attractive and confident again...
to feeling "in control" of my self....
to getting to the point where life is more than food---dieting, dieting, dieting, losing, gaining, calories in, calories out, eating too much...
to FREEDOM from "weight".
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

5
 

Approved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is NO font big enough to show how COMPLETELY excited I am right now!!!! WOW!!!!!! I only have 15 minutes to write, so I'll make this quick, but am beside myself with HOPE and crazy GLEE!!! I went to PCP this morning---and asked her about Lap-Band. She talked about the risks, the chance of having digestive problems, more risks...etc. I have NEVER had a doctor, look up my BMI and give me cause for concern. But today she did...and she gave me a scrip for BP meds. I was excited about that and called the insurance coordinator before I was even out the door to tell her that I've got ANOTHER comorbidity!!! WOO-HOO!!! And she said, that she already had tried to call me to say that the insurance came back APPROVED!!!!! I screamed on the phone! Poor lady, but she was fine with it. It is prob'ly one of the best jobs in the world to call and tell people that. So, now I tentatively put my date down as June 17th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!   TO KNOW WITH CERTAINTY that THIS time I will be able to do this. To know that I won't blow all my good effort and excercise on a bad meal! These things are priceless and out of my realm of explaination!!! YES!!!!!!   Tonight I call my skinny mother and skinny sister. I've told my two sisters who are also overweight and they completely understand. I don't want to put the burden on them to support this without my other sister and mom. But no way in hell will I tell my inlaws!!!   But before I call, I'm going to get out my low-rider khaki GAP goal pants and hang them on the wall.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

6
 

Should I start Weight Watchers AGAIN?!??!?!!!!

Ok....I'm Dying (!!) from not hearing from my insurance yet. I'm almost 100% that they will say a big DENIED!, because the nurse didn't send anything in with the letter she wrote to them explaining Hypertension (controlled by meds), High Cholesterol (controlled by meds) and Sleep Apnea, and the weight she put down for me.   So, I KNOW they will be requiring more proof...SURELY---but this is ANTHEM BCBS COVACARE---the nurse acted like this was a "shoe in" insurance. SO MAYBE hope against hope that they would approve it, but in the back of my mind, I KNOW I"ll have to do more and prove more that I am worthy of the lapband.   I"ve done a REALLY good job of bloating up this last ten pounds so fast and it's great to be able to eat whattever I want, but the looming FAMILY VACATION, my newphew on my skinny in-law side is having a dreaded pool-party for his bday. AND I want to have a baby before I'm 35!!!!! It would be absolutely PERFECT if they would approve me and I could get it done, skip bandster hell and go right to the sweet-spot, lose 50 pounds, then get pregnant and be down to goal a year after I have the baby.   If they come back and say six months of weight-watchers or something....I'm not sure what to do!   I think I'll go ahead and try to get the last weight-watcher's attempt a couple years ago ON PAPER, and then start it up again. The worst case is that they approve me and I can cancel it. But then I'll be stressing about what to put down there as eating. I really don't want to lose anything right now. I'm right on the wire!!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

1
 

Consultation---CHECK!

So, I had the consultation with Dr. Pinnar yesterday!! All went REALLY REALLY well. He thought I would be a "good candidate". I spoke with the insurance coordinator, as well, and she was so encouraging. She will be submitting to the insurance TODAY for approval. I am HOPING and PRAYING that everything goes well and gets approved!!!! I will be on pins and needles until I hear!! Half of me thinks that I will get denied and have to appeal---which I am getting myself informed about all of that right now.   Dr. Pinnar says that this band isn't the "magic bullet" and that I will still have to be in the driver's seat in the car...it won't go anywhere unless I drive. But, with all my past failures under my belt---I know how I am. Exercise is never the issue with me--I LOVE to work out--if I can find a tool to counter appetite and assist in dietary control...then that is 90% of the battle for me. If this band does its' job, then I'm good for the rest!   I ate dinner last night and was looking at my plate wondering---how much my meal would be different if I get the band. Then watched Biggest Loser last night and the girls put on their "goal" clothes and it was like a DING DING DING!!! bell going off in my mind about MY goal clothes that I have been debating throwing out for the past ten years. Those low-rider GAP khaki pants (size 6) that I LOVED to wear. I got this urge to ressurect them and hang on the closet door---but I can't get too obsessive compulsive about this stuff yet UNTIL I get approved!!!   I was telling the Doctor about my past attempts...and it was kindof a wake-up call to me that I have really never had success in a healthy way...so doing this is a step in the right direction. Not taking ECA stacks that will cause me a stroke or something.   I really really really really really hope the insurance approves this!!!!!!!!!!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

Seminar down!!

Thanks everybody for your comments!! The seminar was great..I asked tons of questions. What I learned that I didn't know from this forum (which has been SUCH a great resource!!):   Getting pregnant and adjusting the band..etc after becoming pregnant should not be a complication whatsoever. Doctor said that there have been ALOT of happily pregnant people in the last two years especially. This is SO exciting to me to think of being pregnant WITHOUT the extreme high blood pressure and other weight-related problems with my first baby!!!
This usually RESOLVES GERD as opposed to complications with GERD.
Hypoglycemia (self-diagnosed allert---shaky, emotionally-frazzeled and dizzy feeling if go without food for too long)...can be cured with a little bit of carbs on the pre-and post-surgery diet without causing harm (they require 1 week of liquid protein-shake diet limiting carbs to 50/day. AAAAUUGGH! I've NEVER been able to sustain 50/day....and that makes me nervous--but doctor said--no big deal, if I get shakey have some carbs. Whew!
So, I have my appt with Sleep DR today....just the talking one. I am looking forward to that. Have had HORRIBLE insomnia lately and feel like my blood pressure has gone thru the roof, since I have begun eating WHATEVER and not monitoring my sodium intake. If it is really high then I may not need the Sleep Apnea diagnosis, although I think I do have that.   THEN, I called my surgeon's office this morning and they can get me in TOMORROW for my consulation!! Woo-Hoo!!! THIS part is going very fast at least--I'm scared about getting approved thru insurance!! Please, please, Lord!!   Hubby is going with me tomorrow. He is being supportive of me!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

1
 

Tomorrow is the Seminar

So, tomorrow I go for the Lap-Band seminar in Reston, VA at the hospital. I am borderline 35 BMI, so I have basically allowed myself to eat whatever to try to gain a few before my appointment with PCP on May 7th. Monday is my appointment with the Sleep doctor to get a diagnosis for sleep apnea, which I am pretty sure that I have.   The only one I've told about my interest in the band is my husband. Haven't got up the nerve to tell anyone in my family (and definitely not his) or my friends yet.   Can't wait to be skinny and have shoulders again!!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

5
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