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To Unfill or NOT to unfill......

Today is four days after my first fill. It was a great fill and I have been ecstatic knowing that I really do have a band in there and it really IS doing it's job now.   But I don't think I'm getting enough nutrients in. Today is supposed to be the last "soft foods" day and tomorrow is eating normal food. HA!!!! Yeah, right!!!   Yesterday I went back to liquids since my cheating on Tuna Helper (I know---a new low!) had me wretching and sliming. Soooo this morning I tried scrambled eggs AGAIN, but had to rush to the bathroom to throw up.   I've heard some of you say that the morning's your band is tight....and that really is the only time I've been trying soft foods yesterday or today---both times to my ruin.   I think I need to call my doctor's office for an unfill....but PLEASE NOT ALOT!!! That is what I'm SO scared of. Finally after weeks, this is working SOOO good, TOO good, actually, but I know what restriction feels like. And I don't want to backslide.   But I am now too tired to work out. I know it's just not getting enough calories---I'm getting enough water!!   So that's not good. ( I DON'T WANT AN UNFILL!!! I just want to be able to keep 1/4 cup of food down.   :frown:
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

15
 

What happened?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! !!

My first fill was Monday. 2.7CCs in an 11CC band. Hardly anything right??? WRONG!!!!!!!   I was supposed to be on liquids until this morning. But last night I got SOO hungry, I decided to sneak a spoonfull of really SOFT Tuna Helper from my daughter's rejects. How bad could it be? I did that after surgery and didn't have ANY problems.   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I'm so glad my family was upstairs! I immediately felt INTENSE pain then the sliming started. NO NO NO!!!! I decided I was NEVER going to SLIME----remember???!!! Rushed to the kitchen sink---horrible!!! OOOOOWWWW!!!!!!! WHY did I eat that stupid bite????   I downed about 5 Papaya enzmes tablets ---but they just came back up too---and there was my blood pressure pill again.   I calmed down a little and then went upstairs (with a tupperware bowl in case) and was able to sit there in hideous pain for about 5 minutes then RUSHED to the bathroom again. Whew!!! Much better now!!!   I sat there on the bathroom floor wiped out, but felt a strange new hope overwhelming me. IS THIS REALLY GOING TO WORK THIS TIME!?!?!?!?   I had been fully expecting to tell little to no difference this first fill...but WOW!!!! Just like that I am in the Lap Band world----and all that information packet and all the things my awesome nurse wrote down----suddenly they mean the world to me and I'm hanging on every word.   This morning was supposed to be first day of "soft foods". Um...not so much. I'm chalking it up to the fact that the puking must have irritated my band....so the 1/4 cup of scrambled eggs hurt like heck. So back to liquids this morning. I even self-righteously drank a Myoplex RTD drink at the cafe in my gym. Then went upstairs and started man-sweating again on the machines. I could only go for an hour today---literally started locking up---calories please!!!!! So then I took my little girl to Boston Market and got some of their mashed sweet potatoes. I lived on that in my two weeks mushy stage.   I could eat about 2 spoonfulls of that and 1 spoonful of soft rotisserie chicken (chewed 1000 times) and I was in pain and ready to GO!!!! I'll drink another protein shake again tonight to make sure I get my calories and protein in...but WOW!!! I'm still in shock that a fill can do so much.   My next fill appointment is August 24th. I'm assuming it will loosen up by then!!!   Oh, and get this...I HAD to weigh myself on the gym scales....and I was at an alltime LOW!!! All the pounds I had gained back in Banster Hell are dead and gone. And if you're a member of SWA---you know the travesty of what I am about to say---I had a damp towel wrapped around me!! So all-time low is even that much more something to celebrate!! I had half a mind to let that towel fall off, and check it again ...but......no.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

3
 

Barium swallow

Ok, Barium Swallow done....and GROSSS!!!! I was unprepared for how disgusting that would be!!   I got to the Radiology appt WAY early. Living in DC Metro...the traffic is SO unpredictable. This morning wasn't so bad, so I got there at 7:12 and my appt was at 8:00. I found a Starbucks and got my drink for when I'm done with the B.S. I had to fast from midnight until the appt. I didn't tell them that I ate tacos last night and had horrible reflux so I drank 1 cup of milk at 1:30....I figure it has run it's course by now. And I guess it did--they didn't say anything about it.   I had to take a shot of this extreemly FIZZY stuff that tasted like unflavored AlkaSeltzer. That stuff is s'posed to blow up your stomach and make you feel like you have to burp--but you are s'posed to keep it all in. Then about a cup of the "heavy barium". The X-ray tech says "Take 2 swallows" and then takes a million films...then more swallows. And flipping over and over trying to keep your boobs in line. It wasn't so much the taste as the texture of this barium that was so gross. It felt like swallowing white floam.   But, it is one more thing down!! I made my appt with PCP for Medical Clearance, Phsyc Eval appt, PRE-OP Appt. Everything is scheduled and on track!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

4
 

Last two days

I'm down to the wire--and the days are taking LONGER and LONGER to go by. I am at strict liquids for these last two days. I've lost almost seven pounds on this preop diet in the past five days doing strict Adkins. My goal is to be at 205 the day of surgery. I have 1.4 pounds to go--but think that should be attainable doing all liquids.   My clothes don't feel so "poured into" feeling--and so I'm glad I didn't splurge and buy some last week when they were all straining to keep up with my last supper weight gains!   I'm regretting not exercising as I had vowed to do--haven't so much as walked..but am planning on doing that the day of surgery!   Wednesday, June 17th, 2009.... is the first day of the rest of my life. With the force of all my past failures, the suction of the hopes of a new unburdened life, and the grace of God...I will make it thru this transition and finally, for the first time in what seems like a lifetime away, will look in the mirror and see someone "in control" of my self---confident, vibrant, alive.   I go to visit my family and friends over Christmas vacation and I am SOO excited about that! I will look at pictures taken of myself from this time and not die an inward death--or try to hide behind someone.   I've learned alot this past week of pre-op dieting...I have really felt a slipping of the grip that food has had on me. I really WILL do this this time!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

4
 

New life

Ok...counting down the days....almost three weeks postop!!   I haven't lost hardly ANYTHING since the surgery--but I guess that is normal--the good thing is I haven't GAINED anything yet. It's just that I'm getting a little panicky like I'm not doing enough. Like I need to get my head wrapped around what is going on--or not going on with my weightloss.   I am feeling like I could eat ANYTHING right now. I haven't thrown up, PB'd, Slimed or anything yet. Thank GOD for that!! I haven't been trying to test my band really---but if it's soft then I'll eat it. And I can eat ALOT of some things!! I can drink with my meals--no problem. I can do pretty much everything I could do without the band--salad, watermelon, bread. I haven't tried rice yet...or nuts. The "hard stop" feeling that I got the first couple of weeks seems to be passing...so Bandster Hell...HERE I AM!   I've set a goal for myself of 10 pounds a month. I'm RIGHT at goal now for my first month post surgery---so I am sensing urgency of NOW is the time to get a grip...and work with my band! I have my first postop appt with my dr tomorrow--I know it's WAY out from surgery, but I've been so sick with pneumonia..etc. that now is the first time I can. Sixteen pounds gone since I was there for my preop appt...which is good, because I haven't obsessed about dieting or food at all. It is changing it's place in my heart from living to eat to eating because I have to.   Family vacation is next week in Tennessee...I'm really excited about it and for the first time feel this sense of FREEDOM about it all. With my family--vacations revolve around food---preparation, cleaning up, having enough desserts, more prep, food, food, food. This time I don't feel the panick that I have always felt. It's hard to explain, but the diets to prep for seeing family--then getting there and feeling the excitement and the failure of overeating the whole time. This time---totally different.   THIS FEELING OF INDIFFERENCE towards food is the EXACT reason I needed the band. The chains are starting to loosen their hold.   I got my hair done Saturday! It's DARK and totally different but I love the cut. The color will take some getting used to. :confused3:) But I love the new look and fresh start feeling.   And I went shopping for some capris. I didn't get a smaller size yet, but I liked my reflection in the mirror. My tushi is getting smaller!! :oD
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

4
 

NSVs....the ONLY thing I can celebrate right now!!!

Ok...the month of August is almost over. I go in for my next fill on the 31st. I'm not sure if they will give it to me as I still am having some vomitting issues, and having a hard time eating some proteins.   The scale has been CRUEL this month--NOT one solid pound of weight loss so far--and I am really fighting discouragment right now. So...I'm going to focus on the positives.   Non-Scale Victories in AUGUST!!!! 1) I have been extremely consistent with excercising first thing in the morning ALL MONTH long. I've been hitting the gym between 5:00 and 5:30 and getting at least an hour to an hour and a half each morning. Only missed a few days. I've been really pushing myself--doing interval training on cardio and lifting weights at least 3 times/week. I really am excited that I've "left it all at the gym" and didn't hold back with my intensity. I've avoided looking in the mirrors at the gym for SOOOO long--well, I got a peek this morning and it really wasn't too bad. My body is really starting to shape up!   2) I'm on blood pressure medicine. Even with the medicine, on July 25th when I went to my doctor's appt it was 160/92. I went to CVS the other day just to check it b/c I've been feeling alot better....it is 118/78!!!!!!!!!   3) I'm wearing a size 12 dress pants today! Still a little tight, but it's something I couldn't have worn a month ago at the same weight.   4)I'm going to VA Beach tonight...and for the first time in a long time...I'm not dreading wearing a swimsuit or having the camera there taking pictures of our time. Now---I know my body's not where it needs to be---but I'm on my way.   5) I'm tracking again...my calories in and out. That isn't something I WANT to do...and someday, hopefully, I won't have to do it...but I want this bad enough. It is a small price to pay.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

Come on----JUST ONE LITTLE POUND, PLEASE!!!!

So, about a week ago, after working out hard and being on liquid diet with my first fill--I suddenly dropped 3 1/2 pounds taking me to the lowest weight since starting this journey on June 17th. I was THRILLED!!! Then the next day two and a half were back on. And literally the scale hasn't moved any further than .6 pounds up and down.   I have been working out at least an hour each morning for the past week. I thought FOR SURE that this morning would do the trick...but no...STILL there. Same.   I got out the measuring tape and started measuring. That really was exciting. From the first day of my pre-op diet till now, I've lost 13.6 (not 13.8!!) pounds is all, but I've lost ALOT of inches. 1/2 on my neck!! (Double chin is shrinking)...2 inches off my chest, 3 1/4 inches off my waist(!!), an 1 3/4 off my hips!! 1/2 inch from my arm (!)...so ok...this is doing some good, but WHY OH WHY is this scale not just falling off!!   My husband keeps telling me that it's because I've been working out and I'm replacing fat weight with "tight" muscle weight....it sounds good in theory, but it doesn't cut it for me.   My restriction is still VERY good....and I'm learning to let it work for me instead of just staying liquid or mushie (a huge temptation). Today I had tuna salad and ritz crackers for lunch and that came back up. It was because I ate it mindlessly--I'm in the middle of an audit at work---so I was stressing trying to get this spreadsheet done...and forgot COMPLETELY that I had the band. I made it calmly to the bathroom (THANK GOD the handicapped bathroom was free---it is it's own personal BR). I was impressed that I walked calmly down the long hallway....careful not to swallow and stretching ALOT!!!   I am not sure --since I've been way too swamped to track anything lately---whether I am getting ENOUGH calories. I quick count thru the day, but after you throw up it's HARD to get anything else down for awhile. I am thinking I'm getting around 1000--but it may be a little less than that, said and done because alot of the things I count---I don't finish. So....my plan for the rest of the week. TRACK MY CALORIES AND PROTEIN at a minimum...increase my calories to 1200...drink plenty of water!! I'm putting my scales up in the linen closet until Saturday. I'm just so ticked at seeing that dumb number...I could just write it on the floor and then I wouldn't have to get naked to see it!!!!!!!!!!!!   I didn't work out this morning out of disgust of the scales...and I felt drained of energy (another hint that I'm not getting enough) and havn't been sleeping too good. I feel much better now and more in control of my feelings since I've vented a little. The inches are an awesome thing and I will choose to celebrate that tonight.   I was getting dressed for church yesterday and my little girl--she's 6--came in the room, saw me wearing this bright coral colored bra--that didn't fit 13.6 pounds ago ...and she just started exclaiming about how skinny I was getting!! That made me feel really good.   There's people in Africa without any scales...so I shouldn't be ungrateful for mine!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

1
 

NOW THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS.......15 more days

This morning was the pre-op appt with my surgeon. His nurse is phenomenal!! LOVE HER!!! She has EVERYTHING written down and a self-compiled book that she sent home with me. I am DYING to get home and read it....it is litterally packed with information. I start my liquid diet on June 10th...and have a whole week on that. She said if I am going crazy with the liquids that I can alternate to strict Adkins. I'm SCARED to death of dropping my carbs down to 50/day...I've NEVER been able to sustain this without HORRIBLE blood-sugar crashes and feeling shaky/sick to my stomach....but I'm getting mentally prepared for this part of it being extreemly grueling and almost the worst part. I know Bandster Hell will be equally as much of a mind game. There is ALOT going on in the next two weeks---my daughter's graduation...her flying out to Illinois to stay with my fam while the surgery is going on...several birthday parties & events. TWO days after my surgery my neighbors are having a BLOCK party!!!!!!! I'll make an appearance and drink something.   My surgeon took my pictures and the nurse took measurements and my weight. The next time I'm in that office it will be for my 1 week post-op appt.   I LEARNED THIS!!! Papaya Enzymes dissolve meat. Anytime you get something stuck or get PB or spasms-----> TAKE PAPAYA ENZYMES!!! The people at the support group said they never leave home without them.   ALSO---the post op diet's MAIN purpose is to make sure the band gets SECURE and DOES NOT SLIP. Weight-loss is NOT the goal of the post-op....so now I will stick to it 100%.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

Here's to wearing a sun-dress again!!!

I'm still existing in a sparkling effervesence of *APPROVED*....I tried to call my skinny mom and sister last night and they were both busy with different things, so I didn't have the lapband talk with them. And I'm glad I didn't last night....I was just TOO excited. My husband was depressed about something, so all my glee just kindof bounced off of him. But, I DID tell my daughter (she's 6) and it was prob'ly bad judgement b/c she will doubtless leak the word out to my ex (her dad) and prob'ly my skinny in-laws. But last night was worth it. We were both just jumping up and down celebrating, because "when I get skinny I can wear beautiful dresses again!!!" I can't tell you how many Sunday's when we're getting ready for church she has asked, "Mommy are you wearing a dress today? How bout that beautiful one in your closet???" But I always end up putting on the black pants and some dark colored top on.   So here's... to wearing a flouncy, colorful, sundress with regular width platform high-heeled sandals...
to wearing crisp white pants without wondering how bad it looks.
to having sex again---really good sex without feeling self-conscious and wanting to cover myself up...
to going golfing with my husband in a cute little golf-skort and sleevless top...
to letting go of this feeling of defeat and shrowding...and really being ALIVE and VIBRANT in my life...
to taking LOTS of pictures and never hiding from the camera again...
to actually looking forward to the events at work and the weddings in the summer...
to feeling attractive and confident again...
to feeling "in control" of my self....
to getting to the point where life is more than food---dieting, dieting, dieting, losing, gaining, calories in, calories out, eating too much...
to FREEDOM from "weight".
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

5
 

Home AGAIN! :o)

Ok, so I'm back from another hospital stay (since Tuesday)...Monday, when I went to the Primary Care DR to get my sore throat checked out he told me it was Thrush...OK..fine. So, then he told me that I needed to get the Pneumonia Vaccine. I asked three times if that was a good idea while I was already TRYING to get better...and he assured me that there would be NO problem.   Tuesday at 3 I was in the ER--again. I ended up having a reaction to the vaccine. High fever, chest pain, HUGE lymph nodes under my arm, and cellulitis in my shoulder where they put the injection. Added to that my lower right lung was still "not expanding". ..which can also cause fever, chest pain, tachychardia..etc. They gave me a bag of Vancomycin--not sure I even want to know WHY---but I had a reaction to that too--which caused my arm to be that much more inflamed and SORE!!! Cry cry cry--sob sob--cry! Another CT scan with contrast...more blood cultures and blood work every 6 hours. Sniff Sniff--cry.     My husband has been SO incredible--I think I scared him to death. I'm pretty good about pain, pretty matter-of-fact and grit your teeth and do it kind of person--but I cried more in the last two days---my arm was SORER than I can even describe--having someone lightly brush my shoulder would send me into sobs. He was completely in shock of all the crying, and didn't know whether to hurt the people that hurt me or what to do--certainly couldn't hug me!!! :oD   Yesterday after my 10 laps around the hospital I called my LapBand surgeon to let them know everything that has been going on. The nurse was SOOO sweet that I cried some more--and then she said words that were sweeter than honey..."if you want and feel hungry--start trying some "soft foods" like refried beans, mashed potatos, scrambled eggs" I was in complete shock...like a prisoner let out on parole early! :crying:) AWESOME!!!     Today they finally let me come home...my little girl had made the SWEETEST "Welcome Home Mommy" party---she made EVERYTHING..chocolate cake, banner, carefully colored and snipped up confetti, streamers. SOOO sweet. My sister canceled her flight home on Wednesday and is able to stay until Sunday morning! It is SUCH sweet relief to know that my little girl is relaxed, getting supper, getting baths, and having so much fun thru all of this.   I know that all of this is NOT TYPICAL lap band surgery stuff---I was up 20 minutes after recovery walking to the bathroom feeling fine. My LB is something that I think of from time to time but haven't really had a chance to let it sink in that I'm ON THE OTHER SIDE--(Not the other side that I thought I might end up on!) :target:) My scars are hardly showing--I can feel that something is different in my tummy and I am getting excited to think about taking off with diet and excercise!! It's starting to sink in now!!! I can't wait!!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

First fill

Yesterday was my first fill. I was strangly more nervous about that dumb fill than I was the surgery. The great nurse at my surgeon's office told me that the guy would press around on my stomach until he found it and that sometimes there might be alot of scar tissue and that it might be really uncomfortable the first time.   SO I laid down on my back and had my husband feel around if he could tell where my port is. He could feel it with ABSOLUTELY no problem---could even feel it with his palm (hand flat)....um, WHAT is this going to look like once I lose 70 pounds???? :cursing:) Oh no!!!   Anyway, the surgeon found it with no problem, but the first "pinch" of the syringe didnt hit the port---It HIT it, but didn't go in...So he poked around a few more times (made me laugh at something funny) and then it was in. It really wasn't bad at all. So he and I walked over to the x-ray machine to drink the barium....syringe sticking out of my belly. Thanks to LapBandTalk..I was fully prepared for that part. The barium was not bad at all. Nothing like the cup and a half I had to drink for the upper GI before surgery. He had me take a big swallow. WHOOSH right thru without even a pause--just like EVERYTHING else, I said!! Then put several CCs in and I took another drink and refluxed a little, but it felt fine going down. So he took some out and it was perfect. You could see my new LITTLE pouch forming at the top of the band. Cute!! Full of barium. Then he had me drink water (not x-rayed) I took a gulp---I've had zero restriction until this point so I still gulp water.... I felt something "hard" at the base of my neck. He took some more out and it went thru. I drank more water...no problems. Then it was done. Easy peasy.   He told me "Today is the day your weightloss journey begins". That felt SOOO good to hear that. I know I've lost a such a menial amount up till now and it has been hard as heck to get and keep that 10 pounds off since beginning of my preop diet. I've felt so bleak, b/c I really haven't lost ANYTHING since surgery and in my mind June 17th was the day my weightloss journey began...but really this is where it starts and that felt good.   I was STARVING when I went in for my fill. It was at 1:00--but I had to be at the pre-op room at 12:00 stomach completely empty. Let me tell you, by 1:45 when I left I was SOOOO full and I didn't want anything to eat until 4:00. HAHAHA....nothing like barium for lunch!!! I had soup for supper---and didn't feel any restriction, but I guess I'm not supposed to for the liquid part. But when I went to bed I wasn't hungry....that is a great thing!   I was up and at the gym by 5:15 this morning. Starbucks IS a liquid, BTW!!!!! That is another good thing. I did 45 minutes of cardio and then some core resistence work. By the way----I AM SWEATING LIKE A MAN!!!!!! What the heck is up with that??? I think it's because my thyroid medicine is jacked up and my Endocrinologist is trying to find the right balance for me. But, seriously, sweat DRIPPING OFF THE END OF MY NOSE!!! I used to just "glisten" and this is just embarrasing. Oh, well. I made it, thru and then wiped up the puddles. UGH!!!   I have been working out ALOT lately. I'm starting to feel that addiction coming back and the high from my heart beating out of my chest and that great body exhaustion feeling.   Now for the scales to start showing this effort!!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

3
 

Everyday life with the band.....two weeks postop

I'm kindof feeling a little panick and a little obsessive about the sense of needing to make a plan. My new "lifestyle" of eating. (NOT calling it a DIET!!!)   Here's the thing. I followed my PREOP Adkins--then two days preop liquid adkins---then one week postop liquid diet to a tee. When I was sitting on my hospital bed one week postop I called, and the awesome nurse at my LB Surgeon's office told me that it was ok to start introducing purees and soft foods. After I got over the initial shock from hearing THAT I did. I've only gained a pound since then, but I've found myself during the liquid postop phase especially, using sugar again---alot of it. They gave me only grape juice for two whole days after surgery. Which coming off Adkins tasted like nectar from the gods.   Anyway....I am able to eat almost anything now. I am not "testing" my band--but if it is something soft (meatloaf) then I will eat it. I haven't PB'ed, Slimed, or thrown anything up yet. But I definitely feel the "hard stop" feeling and the need to march the halls after I eat something just to try to either get some gas out of my stomach or move the food thru--not sure which. Some times I can only eat a few bites and it's like "AAAAGGGH!!" I have to walk....other times--like last night I ate a whole hotdog/bun/ketchup/mustard/onions/relish and could have still kept eating. Also---I have not ever had a problem drinking when I eat. I know I shouldn't and try not to, but when I forget, it goes right thru.     I was reading BandGroupie's blog yesterday about "redefining full" and that really struck a chord with me. I'm still feeling restriction, but I'm finding myself mindlessly eating or comfort eating STILL. That is what scares me---to death. Did I have this surgery without really nailing down head hunger first--the real culprit?? Can I get a grip on this NOW??   I am on the verge of "Bandster Hell" I know it--if I'm not already there, but I really want to get a grip on my mind before I'm completely in the middle of it all.   There is alot going on. Next week my family is meeting in Gatlinburg, TN....can't wait. But everything has revolved around food. :crying:) I do feel a real sense of FREEDOM like never before---where before I would have been DREADING this free-for-all of food like the plague then getting there and going WAY OVERBOARD. This time I have a calm sense of "cool, food" indiference. I'll get to taste some things I haven't tasted in a long time, but it won't rule or consume me. That
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

1
 

Psych Eval and my inner fears

Yesterday at 2 was my psych evaluation and mysterious test. The psych eval went well---the little lady was about a size 3 and had one eye that trailed off somewhere---I kept focusing focusing focusing on that left eye of hers. A little distracting, but she was a great person. I sat on the couch (sat not lounged) and she started her barrage of questions. What is your history of weight from age 5 until now? What roll did food play in your childhood? Were you ever anorexic or bulemic? Are you an emotional eater? Why do you think this will work when other things have failed? Do you have the support of your husband? Do you have the support of your extended family? Are there people you haven't told about this and why? Have you ever felt anxious or depressed? Are you a person of faith?   I went to great length to answer and answer and then I asked her some questions that I know are some personal fears of mine. I asked, "In the past ten years, I have lost ALOT of weight and have always gained it back. I know WLS is a TOOL not the SOLUTION, but I am scared that I will start to slip once I get to goal or 155 or something like that. How do I avoid that? She said the 2% of people who have lost the weight and kept it off (regardless of the method) have done so by 1)TRACKING everythign and 2)GOAL SETTING and 3)surround yourself with a village to help you. She said that I need to practice articulating my needs (emotionally) to my husband and to my friends. THAT WILL BE A HUGE SWITCH for me!! I am self-sufficient person of the year.   Also, she told me to learn the difference betweeen a LAPSE, RELAPSE and COLLAPSE. That I need to be conscious of those three stages and to understand that the first one WILL happen, the second one will happen if I let it and the third one is a choice that I am making.   She told me to get the book "The End of Overeating" by Kessler. I went to the library and they didn't have it but they had several other ones that I got--and they have been really inspiring to read so far.   So my personal goal for the next two weeks is to design a nutrition plan, build a vision board and to start working on articulating my needs.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

6
 

Downstairs is growly!!

Somthing funny about the band now that I have restriction is how you can feel SOO full in the "upstairs" stomach, but the "downstairs" stomach is GROWLING!!!!!   I'm eating MEAT for the first time since my fill. It's pulled barbeque chicken---pretty soft, but I am chewing the heck out of it. So far so good.   This morning I didn't even THINK about scrambled eggs....just had some milk with my Protein mixed in and called that breakfast. I've always tried to abide by the "Eat like a King in the morning and a Pauper at Night" motto....but since Monday all has changed. No more King in the morning. So far my lunch is going well---havn't thrown up or gotten anything stuck for 24 hours now. Taking it VERY slow. Chewing like crazy and waiting a minute or two before I take another bite. This so far has been really critical for me!! I'm asking myself before I take another bite if I am really hungry for it or not.   I'm beginning to feel what "head hunger" is....
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

1
 

23 days left before band

I'm kind of in a whirl the last few days/weeks. I have been meaning to start exercising intensely every day and focusing on eating my veggies to get my blood, heart and body as ready physiologically as I can for surgery.   For whatever reason, my body has kindof "shifted" for the worse and my food cravings and addiction-like feelings towards food have gotten more and more toxic. I walked 3 miles on Saturday (outside--prob'ly shouldn't have done that with the pollen) and I was DYING!!! My ankles have been SO puffy after each day of work. The 10 pounds I gained to qualify for the insurance have come with a vengence and I guess I got those the hard way, because they are HERE to STAY it feels like! And with them--heartburn out of my mind, breathless at the slightest exertion, and a "free for all" feeling of eating "my last" filet mignon, soft pretzels upon soft pretzels, cookie dough, mint chocolate shakes before the surgery. I feel so afraid that I will fail at this surgery and what it takes to make it successful. I feel almost clingy to my crazy eating habits that have taken me to this place.   This week is a crazy week. Today I have my thyroid doctor (typical checkup), tomorrow the appointment with the lawyer to do my will/trust/power of attorney, Wednesday I have my OBGYN yearly appt and then the PCP pre-op appointment. June 2nd is the PREOP with my surgeon.     Today I really want to focus on my goals for the next three weeks and really try to take back the reins for this getting myself ready for surgery.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

Tomorrow is the Seminar

So, tomorrow I go for the Lap-Band seminar in Reston, VA at the hospital. I am borderline 35 BMI, so I have basically allowed myself to eat whatever to try to gain a few before my appointment with PCP on May 7th. Monday is my appointment with the Sleep doctor to get a diagnosis for sleep apnea, which I am pretty sure that I have.   The only one I've told about my interest in the band is my husband. Haven't got up the nerve to tell anyone in my family (and definitely not his) or my friends yet.   Can't wait to be skinny and have shoulders again!!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

5
 

Day 3 of Pre-OP diet

I'm on day 3---4 days to go after this one! Yesterday morning---after my HORRIBLE day one--I woke up and felt AMAZING (Not OK--really really good). I still haven't figured out why, but I wasn't even hungry. When I stepped on the scales I had lost 4 pounds that first day. I drank my protein drinks (gag) and my RELIV vitamins (GAG GAG!!) and started my day. My surgeon told me that I could to Adkins diet along with liquid---AS LONG AS I WAS LIMITING MY CARBS TO LESS THAN 50/day. So, I did liquids all day until around 4:00 and my husband and I went to LongHorn steakhouse and I had a steak with blue-cheese crumbled over it and some lettuce. No tomatos, no croutons, no carrots....just leaf lettuce.   I could only eat a little of the steak (about half) but it was the best thing I've ever eaten.   So driving home last night--I know I can make it thru this next week. This morning I had lost another 1 1/2 pounds....so down 5 1/2 pounds from just two days of preop diet !! I can't believe it. Back to protein drinks today!! I have to pay a little penance for my steak splurge.   The shakes are gone now--I can focus again...I'm feeling really good--which still astounds me.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

3
 

Feeling GREAT!!! 2 weeks down!

Hey, guys...   Tomorrow is two week anniversary of getting banded!! I am down officially 16 pounds total--including my one week pre-op diet and I am THRILLED with that progress. I've had pneumonia...etc. so I have not focused at ALL on losing weight--just surviving and getting well---so seeing the scales dropped SO much is just SUCH a cool thing.   I'm getting used to my new world of eating. I eat less than my six year old!!! We have gone out to restaurants as a family a few times, and I got the "is everything ok with your food, Ma'am? YOu havn't hardly eaten anything".....I'm sure there will be many more to come. This last time I just shared with my little girl -- the kid's meal.   I have ULTIMATE restriction right now. But I know bandster hell is on it's way. I'm just loving being able to eat 1/2 cup of refried beans and feel completely full for hours.   I haven't focused on protein, getting my water in, nothing like that. So, I am going to make a plan today of how to attack this next chapter...from now as I start feeling better to my first fill. My husband is making comments every day about how much weight I've lost--he can't believe it...and when I went to work yesterday the lady that NEVER says anything good said that she could tell I was sick, because "you have lost alot of weight".   My hubby broke down and told my skinny MIL when I was so sick in the hospital the second time. (!!!!!!) So she came over and had to get the whole story. Why would I do it? What exactly did they do? She had to see all of my incisions.   My incisions are almost completely healed. Thank God, that is the one part of this surgery that has been a breeze had has healed mutantly fast. My MIL could hardly find all five of them. The only one that looks like an incision is my port (when I went back into the hospital they put those hideously sticky heart monitor things smack over the top of my port incision. ????!!!! Not fun to take off, but it's ok now)   I'm getting ready to walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes then make up some tuna salad for lunch. Probly be able to eat 1/2 cup of that! :redface:) I'm wasting SO much food. MIL did make me her awesome deviled eggs and those went down GREAT!!!   My postop appt is July 7th at 1:00pm...I can't wait! Things are looking up! I'm SOOOO glad I have the band!
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

4
 

Finally banded...and finally home (cough)

So, I'm trying to figure out if today is day 3 post-op or day 4 post-op....I had my surgery on Wednesday the 17th.   The surgery went really well. It was scheduled for 2pm...and about 1 they told me it would be later like 2:30---then pushed it back 30 more minutes...etc. I was really stressing from not eating and it was really rough to wait--but it sure helped me not get nervous.   Somehow after/during the surgery but before I was released I developed fever--crushing pain in my chest--low oxygen levels and feeling pretty wretched. They took me down to scan my lungs for pulmenary embolism (TURNED out negative) and then told me I had fluid in my left lung (pneumonia). I had to start an antibiotic drip and breathing treatments. I was SO glad they didn't release me from the hospital I was feeling so bad.   All I had in the hospital was broth and rationed out grape juice for two and a half days. I felt like that maybe why I was dying! )   Anyway--long story short---I was released last night. I am still a long way from feeling "good", but mostly it's from my chest/lungs. I'm drinking my liquids and thanking God that I'm ok.   oh, by the way, when I stepped on the scale with my hospital gown on in surgery prep room, I had lost 10 whole pounds from the PREOP diet. I lost almost 2 more SINCE surgery--but still feel swollen/bloated from the IV's. I can't believe it!!   Thanks for all the thoughts/prayers. I'm on the OTHER SIDE now!! Time to drink more milk!   Rebekah
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

Two weeks from Today....

Today I ordered my last Iced GRANDE Upside-Down Caramel Machiatto. Tomorrow will be a TALL....and down to one shot of espresso/day.   Just got a call from my PCP alarmed about my TSH test results. My TSH was less than 0.05....and signified possible hyperthyroidism. I am not at all suprized by this. I am seeing a "alternative" medicine thyroid guru lady. I thought that all my problems (weight...etc) would be solved by getting some synthroid. Nothing has changed--except a little more energy--my nails have hardened up and been easier to grow--my ovarian cysts have cleared up. So some good has come out of it...but I gained 10 pounds on the stuff. GOT RAVENOUSLY hungry. Everyone said that it was b/c my metabolism was going up---fine..but I have never been able to navigate HUNGER very well...One way to look at it is that it helped me get approved for the band!! :w00t:) Certainly NOT what I expected it to do!!   I POURED over my book last night! I am SOOO grateful for my surgeon's and the nurse and the PA that puts the fills in. I may be biased, but I feel like I have the best team in the whole nation, the information they've given seems SOOO balanced, logical, and SO much information.   I'm still fighting the urge to find "loopholes"...how much can I eat and NOT hurt the band kind of thought process. I am going to really purpose in the next two weeks to try to find that RESOLVE within me that wants to fight. That can find the advantage in adversity and rises to meet it, not skulk around it.   This is where I'm going to have to DIG DEEP.   I found a short-term contract job too for some extra hours that I applied for back in December. The guy called me last night. I AM SOOO excited about it on many levels. It should be fairly easy for me to do, but will consume about 30 hours in the next couple of weeks. THIS IS A VERY GOOD THING!!! My daughter will be gone in 7 days and I am looking SOOO forward to spending some alone time with my husband!!! But I need some distraction to get thru the liquid diet and this extra job would be GREAT DISTRACTION not to mention extra $$$.   I've hung up my size 6 low-rider khaki pants from The Limited on my closet. These used to be my favorite pants...and are my inspiration. I'm also getting pictures/clips/momentos to make my vision board.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

6 month Bandiversary and New Year's goals

Well, a few days ago I celebrated my 6 month Bandiversary. It feels kindof bitter-sweet to me. I am SOO not where I wanted to be by this time, but I am trying not to be discouraged and trying to be happy with my accomplishments so far. From that point until today I have lost 25 pounds. Right at about a pound a week. I can't say that I didn't try--there were periods where I tried really hard--but then there were long stretches where I didn't try at all. The good part is that in a typical 6 months of that kind of motivation and attitude I would have prob'ly gained 10 lost 5. Weight going up and down on the scale, but mostly up.   A year ago--looking into 2009--I had NOOO idea that I would have the band "installed". I was relying on my willpower and motivation to accomplish the 2009 New Year's Resolutions. Writing those things down (which I ALWAYS do--not just about weight) seemed somehow defeating and like pipe dreams.   Looking back, I know I made the right decision to get the band. The weight-loss has been ALOT slower than I thought it would be...but it has BEEN happening--even without the motivation and the drive being there. It really IS coming off. And that has never happened before.   I really struggle with getting myself motivated to diet since having the band. I struggle with following the band rules and with making the right choices. I struggle to set an appointment with my band DR. because I had set a goal to lose 10 pounds by the next appointment for a fill and I'm not there yet.   I can tell a big difference in how I look when I stand up--especially around my ribs/waist area. But, when I sit down!! It's almost worse than before somehow--like a Bean Bag with rolls!! I don't know if it's extra skin or if it is just something I've never noticed before--but I've seen it TWICE in the last two weeks and been floored by how bad it looked! I got my hair done last night and of course there is a full-length mirror--floor to ceiling and I'm sitting there crossing my legs explaining to the size -2 hairdresser what I want my hair to end up looking like and all I can see is ROLLS!!! AAAGGHH!! So, I made some new resolutions sitting there. To use this band to fullest.   The band is another tool in my arsenol. It is my safety net more than anything else. I really havn't got alot of the benefit of not being hungry between meals---but remember I havn't been using it as directed most of the time. I still drink with my meals (a big no-no) and eat mushy foods--which go down way too easy. But where I notice it helping me the most is when I don't give a crap about diet and I want to eat a big meal--NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!   I just got a fill today. My fourth one. I should have had one alot earlier than this, but I got H1N1 in October--cancelled my appointment. Got Broncitis and Sinus Infections (2) in November/December...just getting off my huge horse-pill antibiotics 3 rounds of that. I didn't want to get a fill for fear that those wouldn't go down.   So--4th fill today. I know, I know. It's December 22nd. 2 days liquid...2 days mushies--regular food Saturday the 26th. I've got Christmas Eve dinner with the family on the 24th. Saturday--breakfast with the inlaws. And then going to Illinois to visit my family for two weeks. It isn't going to be easy. I thought about waiting until I got back to get the fill. But then I thought about it and realized that this is exactly WHY I got the band in the first place---to make a big difference when I need it. I NEED MY SAFETY NET the next two weeks!!!!   Something that has been bothering me is the fact that my husband and I have been wanting to have a baby. Our goal was to start trying (again) in January. Of course, that was when I thought I would be down to 150 by January. I'm 189 right now. My blood pressure is down but not down to where I would feel comfortable being pregnant. I'm not worried about ANYTHING to do with the band or gaining too much weight or not being able to lose the weight or even not being down to where I wanted to be. I know that this is a tool for life and it may take me a long time to get there, but getting there is the goal not how long it takes. But, I AM worried about feeling like crap while I'm pregnant. I remember last time when I was pregnant, my blood pressure got to be 204/98 towards the end. I felt AWEFUL and miserable. And I weighed 202 at the 40 week point. I'm so scared of feeling that bad or worse with this one!   Another thing that has me worried, is that my lap-band DR has "free" fills for the first year. Nothing is charged for those visits. I don't know what happens after a year, if that can be charged to insurance or not--or if that is out of pocket per fill. I really want to take advantage of that window of time while I have it!   So---I kindof feel like maybe we should wait until March to start trying. I could take now until January 6th when I get back from Illinois to sit down and map out a strategy that would get me to the place where I would be comfortable and excited about getting pregnant. To get motivated about losing weight and implementing healthy positive lifestyle changes--not just letting the band lose weight for me.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

A little bit bummed...

Mother's Day was wonderful! I have the best family in the world!! After church yesterday, we all trapesed over to my skinny in-laws house and stayed there the rest of the day. I was feeling really fat (Husband took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant), and I was noticing how the top part of my stomach was rubbing against my top. Gross.   But I've felt a shift in my attitude...I am not defeated by this fat, because i know in a year it won't be like this.   I called my mom for Mother's Day and caught up on everything at home (1,000 miles away) and then I dropped the bomb about what I am "thinking" about doing. I didn't tell her that my barium test is tomorrow, my phsych evaluation is next week and my preop appt is right around the corneer. She was really shocked that I would do something so drastic...and she said, "Wouldn't it be aweful if you died on the table doing something like this?" (NOT saying that I haven't thought about that)...but she was extremely reserved and skeptical of the whole idea of this surgery.   When I told my skinny sister on Friday she said, "OH, I hate to think about you living your life unable to enjoy stuffing at Thanksgiving, a piece of pizza...those kinds of things." She has never felt the shame of walking up to a sink in a public restroom and never looking at herself in the mirror because the reflection is not something you want to be reminded of.   I know that this surgery is a huge step and that I will give up alot of things that I enjoy now. I know that I am biting off a whole lot more than I can chew. But, food--to me--has been chains,.... holding me inside, keeping me back, stealing my health, draining my energy, feeling like a slave, losing my confidence. This step is declaring war and changing my relationship with food. I am putting a boundary on a toxic relationship with food and saying---THIS is how far you can come! I am taking my life back sooner than later!   And, yeah...I AM scared to death that I could "die on the table" and with a beautiful six-year old daughter there is nothing that would justify that or say that it was "worth it". If I die on the table, or from complications from surgery it would NEVER be worth Jasmine losing a mommy!!   So, I'm just kind of discouraged today. AND I started the pill again, so hormones are a little whacked....   Tomorrow is the barium swallow. Woo-Hoo! I wonder how that will taste. :oP   BUT I'm APPROVED!!! I talked to my husband about all of this and he said that you take risks driving to work every day on 66. That this is something that he supports me 100% on and that "we are doing this" and you'll never regret it. That's what I needed.   I know I'm 33 and I don't need permission....but I want supportive family. It means alot to me that this huge step would be backed up by them. NOW I can completely understand not telling ANYONE until it's over.....sometimes it just kind of drags you down.   But then I met my husband online---and moved 1,000 miles away to have my dream life now. Sometimes you just know in your heart what is right for you--even when other's would NEVER do it in a million years.   I've just given this whole thing to God...there are alot of tests and things yet to go....if I'm not supposed to do it, I'm just praying that He makes it impossible for me to do it. God is in control and I can rest assured in that.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

6
 

Gynecologist Appointment

Yesterday seemed like a blur of appointments and blood work & tests. The highlight of my day was my annual appointment with my gynecologist--never thought I would say that. But, last visit, I was in there for ovarian cysts---not "Polycystic"--these were the kind they were really worried about...solid adnexal cysts with significant fluid around them. Didn't look good on the sonograms, but after being on the pill they have gone away. Problem is that I want to get pregnant again--sometime before I'm 35. The lady put my stats in the computer and I could see the history of the last 3 years as she did so. Weight 212.5, Height 5'4.5"....compared to last time of 203 and then the time before that at 186...I see a pattern. The girl didn't say anything. When I met with the GYN in his office we started talking about me wanting to get pregnant and then going back on the pill about a month ago. I took a breath and told him the surgery I am getting ready to have. I always feel trepidation when telling people. Not sure why--but am anticipating some kind of judgement or alarm. (Most of the time I get that!!) But anyway, He was OVERJOYED and SOOOOOOO supportive. He knows of my surgeon and said he's the best one around and that I would NEVER regret the surgery, and that someday I will look back and say it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. He looked at my blood pressure--history of weight--cysts...etc. He told me that he has had SEVERAL patients who have gone thru it and then have gotten pregnant--and they've done "remarkably"---and EVEN that they had LESS complications and problems than their FIRST pregnancies without the band. He just went on and on and the more he talked the more reassuring it was. I was thinking while I was waiting for the appointment...I wonder what he would say--and what it would take for him to say to make me NOT want to get it. Obviously that wasn't an issue.   I have only three more hurdles before surgery. Monday is the first support group--my surgeon requires that I go to ONE before surgery......Tuesday is my PREOP appt with the surgeon (I will talk with the Nutritional Therapist at the same appt)...then the 10th starts my PREOP liquid diet. 19 days left...the countdown has begun!!! I am getting SOOO excited I can hardly stand it.   My two sisters are distributors for this vitamin supplement called RELIV....they have talked me in to starting it NOW and taking it THRU the surgery--THRU POSTOP diet---etc. I'm excited about that too. It is a liquid vitamin--and 45 calories for the shot--which I can live with. It will provide plenty of great micronutrients vitamins and minerals. If I can get this stuff down then I'm good with whatever liquid protein stuff they can throw at me for this preop diet.   I did my will---I know---that might be overkill, but it is a good feeling knowing that my baby girl will be ok if the worst were to happen. But, I'm hoping for the best ---and keeping my eyes on this Christmas and next summer and having a new little baby brother/sister for her.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
 

Approved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is NO font big enough to show how COMPLETELY excited I am right now!!!! WOW!!!!!! I only have 15 minutes to write, so I'll make this quick, but am beside myself with HOPE and crazy GLEE!!! I went to PCP this morning---and asked her about Lap-Band. She talked about the risks, the chance of having digestive problems, more risks...etc. I have NEVER had a doctor, look up my BMI and give me cause for concern. But today she did...and she gave me a scrip for BP meds. I was excited about that and called the insurance coordinator before I was even out the door to tell her that I've got ANOTHER comorbidity!!! WOO-HOO!!! And she said, that she already had tried to call me to say that the insurance came back APPROVED!!!!! I screamed on the phone! Poor lady, but she was fine with it. It is prob'ly one of the best jobs in the world to call and tell people that. So, now I tentatively put my date down as June 17th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!   TO KNOW WITH CERTAINTY that THIS time I will be able to do this. To know that I won't blow all my good effort and excercise on a bad meal! These things are priceless and out of my realm of explaination!!! YES!!!!!!   Tonight I call my skinny mother and skinny sister. I've told my two sisters who are also overweight and they completely understand. I don't want to put the burden on them to support this without my other sister and mom. But no way in hell will I tell my inlaws!!!   But before I call, I'm going to get out my low-rider khaki GAP goal pants and hang them on the wall.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

6
 

In the throws of Bandster Hell....

So, I went on vacation last week---when I got home I had gained five pounds!!! In a week!!!! I really wasn't eating a whole lot more than I had been either!!! At least it didn't feel like it.   I had my first "experience" and I'm not really sure WHAT it was. I had eaten a sandwhich for lunch (shaved turkey, swiss and white bread)....and about an hour later, I got an extremely uncomfortable feeling. Like a burp (one of my HUGE HUGE burps) was stuck under my sandwhich. Pain in my chest--like gas pains. Then I started getting nauseous. So I ran to the bathroom and started heaving. NOTHING came up. I did it about three times and then got my papaya enzymes and at 5 of those. The feeling went away shortly after that when I finally burped.   I have heard it said that once you have the band it is impossible to eat like BEFORE you had a band. Um......???? Really???? It feels completely like it did BEFORE the band--NOTHING different.   I went to see the DR for my second postop required BEFORE a fill. The NP said that I was doing great (even though on their scales I had gained 7 pounds back since last postop visit.) She said six weeks of healing THEN the weightloss goals should start.   The PCP gave me the ok to start working out after my pneumonia and staph infection. So, this week I started and it feels so good. But, the scales just went up and up (.6 pounds/day). Finally, Wednesday on the way home from work feeling really discouraged about all of this I decided to go back on my carb restricted pre-op diet. Maxing out at 50 carbs/day....to lose 13 pounds and get back onto my goal track. I also need to feel that carb-addiction broken and my hideous hunger and cravings to go away. So, back to the old grind. I understand what the nurse was saying and I know that is "reasonable"...but I don't feel like that is good enough for me. I want more out of this, and I want to weigh 150 by Christmas. Sweet spot or not---I want to bust my butt (hopefully dieting for the last time) during these next six months or so...and then let the band do what it should do to keep it off.     So, I lost 2 pounds yesterday, got the preop diet headaches---carb withdrawal and felt like death on a stick. But I was like, BRING IT!!!! I'm ready for anything but being fat the rest of my life.   August 3rd....WHY SO LONG to get a first fill!?!?! But anyway, the nurse said that if after a week, I feel like I need more---call and they'll get me in right away. All I need is a week between fills and they want to get me to my "sweet spot" as soon as possible.   Amen to that.
JazzyMom17

JazzyMom17

2
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