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Blog 64098

A blog by Arb

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Beware! Contains Negativity

I thought about not even doing this today but decided I am in this for the long haul, through the good, the bad and the negative.   I am 5 days post op and feel terrible. I woke up and cried this morning. VERY unlike me. I am getting very little nutrition and only about 40 oz of water a day. Every sip hurts. Not to mention the gurgling going on inside.   I have a call in to my doc, oh crap, they just called. They think there may still be fluid in my band from the preop prep of the band and want me to come in. I guess I'll get a defill before I planned. Not sure I'm mentally ready for this. I guess I just have to bite the bullet and go because I am pretty much in pain constantly and this SUCKS!   OK, I guess I'll go...................   OK, I'm really going now. HOpefully I'll feel better and be in a better frame of mind when I get back.   Sorry for the negativity but I did warn you!:thumbup:
Arb

Arb

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Back on Track

At least I hope. 5 days postop and I had to go in for an unfill. Apparently I had 4ccs in my band and must have alot of swelling because EVERYTHING was getting stuck. Even water. Procedure wasn't as bad as I had anticipated. She had to push a little harder than normal (so she says) because of my swelling from surgery but no major pain. I still cried like a baby because I have been so emotional the last few days. I think from so many days on liquids, no nutrition to speak of, and probably somewhat dehydrated. Well, now I feel better. Still a little sore so I have to stick with strictly liquids, no puddings, cereals, etc. for a couple of more days. At least I have been able to get in about 60 oz. of fluid today, including 1 protein drink. Tomorrow will be better.
Arb

Arb

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Darkest Before the Dawn

Bad day. Couldn't shake the blues. DH went to a rodeo and I didn't go because I didn't think I could stand to see everyone eating hamburgers, hot dogs, BBQ, etc., etc. I don't wish I had alot, I just wish I had something. Anything that is NOT SWEET! Never thought that thinking about eating something sweet would make me want to gag. Guess that's a good thing. I doubt it will last, though. Anyway, reading LBT and getting info from other bandsters helps so much and I know things will get better. Just one of those days, I guess. I want to remember this though. I want to remember the price I have had to pay for letting myself get to this point. I want to remember the price so the reward will be all the sweeter.   Listening to Matt Maher (contemporary gospel -- really good, check him out) and gazing out at the beautiful weather God has blessed us with today. I'll pray for strength and know things will be better tomorrow.
Arb

Arb

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1 Day Post Op

Ok, the Up from yesterday has come Down. The pain isn't so bad. Most of the gas has moved down, at least out of my shoulder. I still feel like I have an elephant on my chest,but I think today it's just a baby elephant.   I am forcing liquids down sip by sip by sip. I'm not hungry and even the water seems to just sit on my chest. I know it will get better I'm just a bit blue today. Mostly bored I think since it's too hot to go outside and nothing much I can do inside since I can't really bend or pick up anything.   I guess I'll let my DH torture me by taking off my bandaids and go take a shower. Maybe that will perk me up.   Reading all the great blogs helps though, so to all of you, Thanks for sharing!
Arb

Arb

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The First Day of the Rest of my Life!

Today was surgery day. I can't believe how at peace I feel with this decision. I know there will be days when I will wonder what in the heck I did this for but not today.   Woke at 4:45 to shower and dress. Headed to the hospital at 5:30 for my 6am arrival time. Headed to surgery around 7:45. Not sure how long actual surgery took but I was coming to, trying to pry my eyes open around 9:00, I think.   Immediately knew gas pain in my chest and left shoulder was going to be a reality for a while. Now I know what heart attack victims mean when they say it feels like "an elephant sitting on your chest". My elephant needs a lapband! Deep breathing helps the chest pain but then it feels like I have a knife twisting in my shoulder. However, writing this at 7 pm the pain is lessening and I know will go away in time. I will survive!   Left hospital at noon and was back home by 1 pm. Have been drinking 2-4 ozs water every hour. This is not a problem so far. I actually want much more but am afraid I will be sick so am holding back. Food doesn't appeal to me right now. Had some SF jello earlier but it was so sweet I coldn't finish it. How strange after 10 days of no sugar that jello now seems too sweet. I like the feeling, however.   I have been walking around the house every hour trying to hasten the gas departure and make sure no nasty blood clots come.   I have been trying to read but about 3 pages in my eyelids become weighted with lead and I'm off to bed for another nap.   I haven't taken any pain pills since leaving the hospital but probably will before night bedtime just to keep ahead of the game. I suspect tomorrow will be the most painful. Seems the second day is always worse than the first.   I am also looking forward to eating "real food". Oatmeal, even very watered down, sounds heavenly right now. I'm not really hungry but want something with a flavor other than chocolate protein shake!   I am so happy to be posting this blog. Some days I thought it would never happen but here I am and am SO EXCITED about what lies ahead.   Good luck to everyone who is banded and those still waiting! I'm proud to now call myself a bandster!:blushing:
Arb

Arb

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Banding Eve

Tomorrow is the big day and I suddenly feel a great sense of calm and excitement, if that makes sense.   I feel calm that this is the right time and the right decision for me. I just looked out my back window and saw a beautiful rainbow. I am taking that as a sign that I am making the right decision. I have been asking God to give me a clear sign if I should not do this and I have not gotten that. I think He is telling me to trust in Him and go forward.   I'm excited that surgery is finally here and I can move on. That little negative imp inside me is trying to tell me I should be scared/nervous/not wanting to go through with this, and maybe in the morning I will feel that way but as this moment all I feel is ready!   I am not ready to post a picture but I am going to (if I can figure out how) since this is how I want to remember me when I get the urge to slack off. After I lose 50 lbs maybe I'll post my head, too:rolleyes2:
Arb

Arb

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Dumb, Dumb, Dumb!

Six days into this liquid diet and doing ok. Sun-Wed saw 450-550 cals. each. Doc said I could have a few bits of "real food" just keep cals VERY VERY LOW. So, Tues saw 2 oz. steak and 2 tbsp. mashed potatoes. 519 total cals. Wed. was 1 cup ham and beans 433 total cals. Well yesterday waas my first real test. Went to lunch with a friend. Ordered turkey and cheese sandwich, threw away the bread, no mayo. Tasty!!!! Ordered "SEASONED" broccoli instead of fries. Obviously, their idea of seasoned and mine are different. Tasted like plain ole' broccoli to me. So here's the rub....I ordered some ranch dressing to dip. Now, I only had what I estimated to be about 5 tbsp. dressing. Today, entering into Sparkpeople.com my food for yesterday I got a BIG UGLY WAKE UP CALL! Total cals yesterday WITHOUT ranch dressing, 503...with ranch dressing....873!!!! Dumb, dumb, dumb.   The up side to this....proof that food journaling is GOOD, proof that ranch dressing is BAD, motivation to do all liquids today GOOD.
Arb

Arb

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Happy Dance Time!!

You see, last night I was wanting to eat big amounts of comfort foot, but I didn't.....so....today I got on my scale.   My scale only goes to 300 lbs. After that I get this really snotty message EE kind of like "Error, Error, get off now!"   Well, this morning it said.........................299.0 !!!! Woo Hoo!!   I know it may go back over 300 after surgery but I think I just won't get on it and give it the opportunity. Ha! Who's the boss now, bossy scale?   Thanks to all of you at LBT I was able to vent my emotions last night and now I get to celebrate this morning. Thank you!   Oh, I haven't figured out the ticker thing yet so I am going to record here that I have now lost 21.1 lbs since 6/12/09. And I haven't been banded yet. :cursing:
Arb

Arb

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Food Journaling Helped Me

I'm home alone, just finished watching a movie that has left me feeling very emotional and vulnerable. I have this HUGE urge to eat something awful.   I decided to go to sparkpeople.com and track some possible food choices. After reviewing how well I have done all week and trying some different options to see what they would do to my totals (cals,carbs,fat,protein) after 15 mins I have decided to have a protein drink mixed with water, grab a book and go to bed.   Am I comforted by this decision? Tonight, absolutely not. Hopefully in the morning I will feel much better about this.:cursing:
Arb

Arb

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Techie Question

Someone gave me directions but I have lost them and can't find the blog again. How do I get a cute weight loss ticker on my page? Thanks!
Arb

Arb

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Over Halfway There

6 days of 10 day liquid diet is done! Weekends are the hardest for me so I know I need to keep really busy. Today was ok. Not real hunger but I had alot of head hunger today. I had a 1/2 cup of beans and ham tonight and still stayed until 600 cals. so I guess I'm ok with that.   I'm ready to have the surgery and get on with it. I feel I'm in a holding pattern right now. Anyway, another day down the road. Off to bed for me.
Arb

Arb

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10 Minus 3 and counting

Well after being awake all night last night for reasons I really can't figure out I am going to bed early tonight. That will show that protein shake who's boss:thumbup:   This is day 3 of my 10 day liquid diet. So far the only solid food I have had is about 2 oz. steak and 2 Tbsp. mashed potatoes last night when DH finally grilled the KC strip. I wasn't about to deny myself totally. Thought I did pretty well. The physical hunger hasn't really been bad. The head hunger is a different matter when I let myself think about it. I have been using Julie Ann's "Am I really Hungery?" and that really helps. Thanks, Julie Ann! Other than that, I have had a total of almost 1500 calories in 3 days. I keep saying to myself "Self, if you can do this you can lose the weight without the surgery." Then I say "Self, you have lost weight before. You have lost 30 lbs. 10 times in the last 5 years and gained 40 back each time. Self, DO THE MATH!!!!!!"   Told my DD today and she was NOT supportive. I love her dearly but when she said "You just need to eat less, eat the right foods and exercise" I would have choked her but we were on the phone. Fortunate for her. Did I mention she is 5'5 and weighs 120 lbs? Easy for her to say. Seriously though I know that's why I keep avoiding telling people. I just don't want to deal with the negative input.   Good news for today....had my preop assessment and final visit with the surgeon. All is a go for July 15th. I was having serious doubts and he really took alot of time with me and answered all my questions. It really helps that he is a friend of a friend and they think he is a very honest, caring, down-to-earth surgeon. Somewhat unusual for surgeons, I understand. Anyway, he had the lapband in 3 years ago and said he would do it again. I like that!!   Oh, yeah, I have lost 11 lbs in the last 3 weeks:thumbup:!   I know this is long but it's been a big day.
Arb

Arb

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No Cheating - YooHoo!!

Day 1 of liquid diet is done. No cheating. This is good. Fortunately my DH didn't grill steaks like I told him he could go ahead and do. I can only imagine that my will power would have been that good. Anyway, the hunger hasn't been bad and now I'm going to bed. 9 days to go.......
Arb

Arb

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Food -- Feels so good, Feels so bad

I pigged out yesterday. Pizza for lunch, steak for dinner. It tasted good but I felt HORRIBLE at the end of the day. I wanted to write this so I could go back and remember how truly awful I felt. Bloated, chest pain, lethargic, back pain, totally unable to do anything but try to go to sleep. I want to remember...:crying:
Arb

Arb

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My last days of food worship

My 10 day liquid diet begins Sunday, sooooooooooooo......today I'm having pizza, and Red Lobster. Tomorrow a big juicy steak. I am really disgusted by how much I love to eat!!!!!! I am dreading the liquid diet but I am also excited about being able to quit thinking about what I'm going to eat, when I'm going to eat, when I'm going to eat after that.......I'm not sure what I will occupy my mind with but anything will be a change from food!!!!! The overeating is exactly how I start every new diet. This feels different, though. I'm not sure how, but it just does. I have never been looking forward to a lifestyle change, eating habit changes, exercising (ok, honestly, I'm really not looking forward to exercising), but it feels RIGHT this time. It feels like this is the right tool for me at the right time. I'm scared, second-guessing, anxious, all the negative things that I think surely are normal. But I am also so READY to rid myself of these life-limiting pounds and pounds and pounds. I want to be active. I want to say goodbye to the aches and pains, the exhaustion, the emotional drag of looking in the mirror and hating myself. I truly believe, when all is said and done, I AM READY!!
Arb

Arb

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6 Day until Liquid Diet begins...

That seems to be heavy on my mind. I seem to think about food and what I will be mising all the time. Is that normal? We have KC strips in the freezer and I want to eat them all before Sunday! Will this obsession with food get better after banding? I know my husband "eats to live" and I "live to eat". I envy his relationship with food. Why is it all consuming to some (me) and not a big deal at all to others? I'm also not doing well in the exercise dept. I keep thinking after I lose a few pounds I'll feel more like it but I know that is the wrong attitude. I guess I'm pretty down today. I think I'm just getting scared the closer the actual surgery gets. I'm excited, also, but definately scared. It's such a huge, LIFETIME, committment. I think I'm going to go lay in the sun. Maybe that will lift my spirits....
Arb

Arb

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Day 2 (how original)

Good day today. Kept busy. That helps A LOT! Had to go to funeral of a very dear uncle. I will miss him greatly but I have no doubt he is sitting with Jesus telling a good story! I love you, Uncle Curt! Protein shake for breakfast, LOTS of water, LOTS of bathroom trips, little more than I should have for lunch but not nearly as bad as it could have been. Standard midwest, after funeral lunch, with LOTS of great cooks contributing! Getting ready to have supper. It's late but that means I can eat and not want a snack in 2 hours since I'll be ready for bed. Maybe that's a plan, hmmmm, have to think about that one. Not much else happening today. Read more on surgery and am still excited. I guess that's a good sign....? Signing out for the day. Everyone hang in there and keep sharing. I really appreciate everyone's input.:thumbup:
Arb

Arb

1
 

My Journey Begins Today

After months of waiting, doctor visit after doctor visit, being poked and prodded, prodded and poked, I am finally on my way. July 15 is my surgery date!!!! I started my one meal replacement shake today and of course my DH is on vacation and fried bacon. I LOVE bacon!! Didn't eat any though. I am thrilled, scared, excited, scared, impatient, scared....Did I mention scared? I keep asking myself if I am doing the right thing? Why can't I do it the old fashioned way? Diet, exercise.......I think my pride is really standing in my way of being 100% committed to this. Is that normal? Anyway, I am praying for God's strength to get me through the next couple of months of liquid diet, surgery, post-op problems, etc., etc. I have never been really good at journaling but have gotten so much motivation and information from the blogs here that I no it will only increase my success with this process. Now, if someone can tell me how to put a picture here I'll give it a try. Hopefully one of the last pictures I will truly hate :thumbup: Thank you for letting me share this journey with you.
Arb

Arb

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