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I'm In THE Club: Club Bandster

I'm now a Bandster. I'm so happy.   My experience was absolutely great (other than the two hour delay in my surgery). I feel great. I'm home (so still on the last dosage of the IV pain killers). and so so happy to be able to eat (?) some full liquids.   I'm a little fuzzy...a lot tired (hospitals are tiring places). I stayed over night and I'm glad I did.   I had the band, and I'm glad I did; the people who got gastric bypass the same day as I are still looking like they have been hit by a truck. I walked two miles in the 24 hours I was at the hospital.   Nap time for me now. :smilielol5:   AHHHHH....
d4lussier

d4lussier

6
 

12 Pre-Op Diet Days Down, 2 to Go! WOW - 15 lbs GONE

If you had told me 2 weeks ago that I could live on 960 calories, let alone function WELL on that level of calories, I would have told you to stop doing drugs.   My one biggest fear about having any type of gastric surgery was that I would be STARVING all the time and that I would be laying on the couch, hand to forehead, faint with hunger. (dramatic touch, eh?)   Well - that fear is gone. And now I'm just so EAGER for surgery - I *might* even embrace the IV! (my paranoia).   I've lost 15 lbs on the pre-op diet - with 2 more days to go. I feel SO much better just from that little bit!   I'm so impatient now...I told the surgeon's office that if by chance anyone canceled out I'd be HAPPY to take their place!   Oh - and found GREAT tasting chewable vitamins - Centrum Silver (I'm old) Chewables, and for my Vitamin D - gummy bear ones for kids! OMG - they are yummy!
d4lussier

d4lussier

5
 

Stress Happens

There is no getting away from it. Every day is a new day, with the potential for amazingly stressful things to occur. I have always had an immediate reaction to stress: EAT.   Eat to replace the pain of stress with a pain in my stomach. It's an easier pain to deal with.   Today's stressor is over the top, and I have very mixed emotions on reporting that I am not wanting to eat. In fact, I feel sick to my stomach. And I want a hug really bad and my husband is out of town on business. But I don't want to eat. Is this the start of a significant behavior change? Has all my therapy and thinking finally clicked in "Eating is not the way to fix stress"?   Tomorrow will be just as stressful. In a nutshell, I worked from home today and found out late in the afternoon that a team member committed suicide AT WORK this morning. Tomorrow will be a tough day at work.   So many emotions: Sadness mostly though.   Eating is not the answer...eating is not the answer.....eating is not the answer.....
d4lussier

d4lussier

5
 

Time Flies as Time Crawls

How can it be that it seems like time is flying yet time is crawling? :biggrin:   My surgery date is 07/29 and it seems like it is approaching SO FAST. Yet at the same time I swear the clock is moving SO SLOWLY.   I had my pre-op physical today. Everything was good. They even managed to "squeeze" (pun intended) in a mammogram. I thought to myself...gee - next time there won't be so much to squeeze!   Pre-op lab work on Monday, liquid diet starts on Wednesday, and then in two weeks I'll be in La La Land; the transition land to Bandlandia!   I found out today that my employer has a fund that pays for time off for employees in my situation - so I won't even have to use my precious vacation time for the surgery and recovery! Their insurance is paying for the surgery, I've had unlimited time off to go to all my pre-op stuff, and now they are paying me to recover. I LOVE MY EMPLOYER!
d4lussier

d4lussier

4
 

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I figured I'd start now...no need to wait until I have the surgery, right?   So I'm practicing:   30/30 - successful for all meals except dinner was 30/15 - I totally forgot!   Chewing well - Gosh until I started thinking about it I never realized how little I chewed my food!   I will work on these two behaviors for a week or so, then add eating in the correct order P/V/C (Protein, Veggies, Carbs).
d4lussier

d4lussier

4
 

I Weigh NOTHING!

I got on the scale this morning (showing Scale Whore Membership card) and the little needle pointed DIRECTLY at 0!   I'm kind of stunned - so many thoughts running through my head.   "This lap band is INSANELY successful!"   "How can I be alive if I don't weigh anything?"   "Hmm...oh wait...yeah that's right, the 300 lb mark is at the same place as the 0 lb mark."   Yeah..ok - so I weigh 300 lbs. BUT WAIT....   That's a 24 lb loss since July 15th (start of pre-op diet). WOO HOOOOO...
d4lussier

d4lussier

4
 

Fear of Success

Many people have a fear of failing yet AGAIN. I can understand the fear of having people watch you and wait for the failure to happen.   I have a huge fear of people watching me and expecting success!   I'm not yet banded; expect a surgery date sometime in late July. I'm trying to get some of the "head" work started NOW. Hence the discussion on fear of success.   I realize that being fat gives me a perfect excuse to not be successful at whatever I don't have the courage to tackle.   Have a big project at work that requires some extra hours? Oh wait, I think I'm too exhausted from being fat to work extra hours; so...my failure is because I'm fat.   Don't feel comfortable about riding my horse in front of more capable people? Oh wait, I don't feel it's good for the horse for me to climb on in all my fatness.   A built in excuse. WOO HOO   What the HECK am I going to do without my excuse? People are going to expect me to be perfect. YIKES.   I don't want anyone to expect anything from me. I just want to be left alone to achieve what I achieve without worrying about the expectations of anyone else.   Guess I need to become a hermit, eh?
d4lussier

d4lussier

4
 

Ok, This is Gonna Happen!!!

I have four things to provide to the insurance company.   1. Bariatric Surgeon recommendation 2. Primary Care Physician recommendation 3. Six Months of nutritional counseling along with a Nutritionist recommendation 4. Psychologist recommendation   I had kind of been putting off the PCP recommendation. Long story short, I'm using my OWN insurance to do the lapband, but use my husbands insurance for all my other medical needs. So I was avoiding confronting the fear that I would have to get a WHOLE NEW PCP from MY insurance to get item number 2 above.   On a lark, I called the insurance coordinator at the surgeon's office; she told me that it doesn't matter WHO the letter comes from, just as long as it's a recommendation. So I called my current PCP (from my husband's insurance) and asked her if she'd write the letter. She said "SURE!", did it, I picked it up 2 hrs later and I've GOT IT in my hot little hand.   On Saturday the Psyche eval will be dropped off at the surgeon's office. On June 9th I have my last nutrition appointment. On June 10th the paperwork will be submitted to the insurance company. One week from today!   THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN!!!   OMG. I'm gonna get skinnier!
d4lussier

d4lussier

3
 

And the Wisdom to Know the Difference

People who commented on my blog entry yesterday helpfully reminded me of the mantra involving knowing the difference between those things you can control, and those you can't.   One of the things I need to remember I can't control is how other people perceive me. My personality tests all come back reporting that I am the type of person who is VERY focused on how others perceive me. It seems that I am fighting a difficult battle here.   So why am I overweight? That seems like an oxy-moron to me. Being overweight draws a LOT of negative attention. AND I feel like I'm hiding within this very thick wall of fat.   So many puzzles to unwind in this journey.
d4lussier

d4lussier

3
 

It's Hard to Lose Your Best Friend: FOOD

I feel so lonely today. That's what I've been covering up with food for so many years.   I'm not lonely for friendship. I'm lonely for someone who is more than a friend. I've been married for 27 years and feel very alone.   I've always thought and told my therapist that if I lost weight, I'd leave my husband. For many years I fought losing weight because of what I thought was the inevitable outcome.   Now weight is interferring with other things I want to do, and so I'm going to lose it. And I guess I'll just have to wait and see if my prediction for losing my husband along with the weight, comes true.
d4lussier

d4lussier

2
 

Can you FAIL your Psyche Eval?

I think I just did!   In a nutshell, the question was "How often do you eat to the point where you are uncomfortable?"   Answer: Just about always!   Response: Hmmmm....that sounds like a diagnosis of Binge Eating Disorder. I don't know what the insurance company will say about this.   WAHHHHH....So I came home, jumped online and researched the definition of BED. I don't have most of the symptoms.   So now I sit on pins and needles until I get authorization from the insurance company I guess.   Ugh.
d4lussier

d4lussier

2
 

8 Days Pre-op Done, 6 to go

and 13 lbs down! WOOO HOOOO   Tomorrow is final visit with surgeon...   I am so excited.   Got my shipment from BariatricEating.com - ordered yummy Believe drinks. OMG so tasty.   Already have protein powder on hand.   Tomorrow morning I make my "other stuff" list - sugar-free jello, etc.   I have been telling more and more people at work - EVERYONE has been supportive. I'm so happy for that. There is one person I haven't told yet - he is Mr. Know-it-all - and I expect him to tell me that I'm stupid. So I just won't tell him LOL
d4lussier

d4lussier

2
 

4th Day Post-Op Status Report

Executive Overview:   The patient tolerated all aspects of the procedure well, and is healing quite nicely. Very few after-affects have occurred; the predominant after-affect realized has been loud gaseous expulsions. Prognosis is good.   Details:   I'm sick of pudding. NEVER thought I'd say that. :biggrin: I've reached the point in healing where I'm healed just enough to push it, and then hurt because I pushed it. :thumbup: Didn't sleep so well last night because I kept waking up after trying to roll onto my stomach - OUCH.   I really can't believe that this has finally happened. After researching and starting and stopping the process for five years, I have my lap band. For all of those who say they are terrified - I completely understand. I was terrified too - hence the starting and stopping. But really - it is NOT BAD AT ALL. Having a baby was ten times worse.   Amazing......
d4lussier

d4lussier

2
 

Now Things Are Getting Serious

I know things are getting serious because I'm starting to display some thought patterns that I display only when I'm REALLY scared.   Had my pre-op testing yesterday. All went well as far as I can tell (no "OMG" from the xray tech, no nurses running out to check me into the hospital because my urine was bad, etc.). The only minor snafu was a scheduling mix-up - so I have to go back on Friday for the Pulmonary Function Test. Tomorrow I start my pre-op diet of Optifast. I'm making lists of things to buy, testing protein drinks (thank you www.BariatricEating.com for the sampler pack!) So things are in the home stretch.   And now my head starts playing games with me. In the past whenever I got close to tackling the "weight issue" I suddenly had other issues that were far more stressful and important and DISTRACTING.   So...the first distracting game my head played was "My husband is not good for me, I need to leave him." I decided to officially not decide anything on that until 1 year from now. I am going to concentrate on my health. I won Round One.   Today....the distracting game is "I hate my job. I don't want to work for anyone. I need to start my own business." Now...I suggest you read my last blog entry...the one where I said "I LOVE MY EMPLOYER"...yeah - that one.   So JUST as I'm about to open up Monster.com a little voice - one I don't think I've ever heard before - said "Are you CRAZY???" Actually the "f" word was in there too...   That's when I realized that WOW my head is really playing games on this...so when I face the real emotions....I'm TERRIFIED.   A moment long reflection on that and I realize it's the same old fears....I was sexually abused my entire teen-age years and my weight has served as a good abuse-prevention (who would want to touch a enormously fat woman?). When I lose the weight EVERYTHING is going to be out there in the oogling range of EVERY ONE.   SOOOOooooo....deep breath. I am determined. I am going to feel the fear and do it anyway. I am going to say "F U" to that terrified voice and seize my life and God protect any man or woman who lays a hand on me without my consent ever again.   "F U" Do you HEAR ME SCREAMING IT? NO MORE controlling my life. I'm going to run the show now! "F U"!!!!   Round Two to ME!  
d4lussier

d4lussier

2
 

Two Down, Twelve to Go

I have successfully made it through the first two days of my 14 days of liquid pre-op diet.   EVEN while spending both days at a training class with morning danish & donuts, a lovely catered lunch, and afternoon cookies, and unlimited sodas.   I'm proud of me. :smile2:
d4lussier

d4lussier

2
 

Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men?

Today I had my fifth nutrition meeting and weigh in at the doctors office. The nutritionist told us when we got there that the meeting would be very short.   Sure enough, we all sit down and she explains that this class is supposed to be about exercising and she is not qualified to give the class. Then she handed out a card and a waiver form for us to go to the hospital for the exercise class. Told us that all we had to do was go; we didn't have to call ahead and make a reservation, we didn't have to actually exercise, we could just take notes.   The class is held every Tuesday, I had no plans for tonight, so I figured I'd go and get it done.   I show up for the class. The instructor has no clue why I'm there, and then informs me that this is the six month required exercise class THAT MY INSURANCE REQUIRES! WHAAAA????   I'm REALLY REALLY hoping that the instructor is wrong. If I find out now, during my fifth month, that I was supposed to be going to an exercise program all along TOO....I'm gonna be one pissed off lady!   It's too late to call the office tonight but you can bet your bippy I'll be calling them tomorrow morning!   Side benefit - the exercise class was good. I sweated. Met some nice people, heard some good tips.   Good Tip #1: Write a "To Me" letter, describing your life now. In 1 year, write another "To Me" letter, describing your life then. Compare. The woman who suggested it said it was striking how much better her life and attitude was.   Good Tip #2: Make a list of all the things you can't do now (ride a horse, use a turnstile, sit in a booth, ride the rides at the amusement park, etc.) and then as you lose weight, mark the date down when you can once again do those things. I can see how this would help sustain motivation to see those things getting crossed off the list.
d4lussier

d4lussier

2
 

I Am Happy Sometimes When People are Wrong!

And today is one of those days.   Yes, the exercise lady was wrong. I DO NOT have to do 6 months of supervised exercise plan like she said. SO THERE!   :biggrin:   Tomorrow is Psyche Eval. I'd better get my head tidied up, someone is gonna be in there looking around. :thumbup:
d4lussier

d4lussier

2
 

I Told My Boss Today

And relief! He knew what I was talking about!   He told me he has a friend from church who had the surgery and lost a lot of weight.   Another thing off my "To Do" List: Ask for time off. Well - I didn't ask, I TOLD. :w00t:   Every time I tell someone, I expect a negative response. To date, the only negative response I have received was from my mother, who changed her mind eventually.   Today I spoke with the surgeon's office to discuss my PCP letter. I have two insurances, and the person on the phone patronizingly explained to me that MY insurance is my primary insurance and the insurance I have through my husband is SECONDARY....she said "...most women don't understand that." WOW!   Harummmpph. I have a word for her, it rhymes with witch....
d4lussier

d4lussier

1
 

REAL Food :)

I've been released to the mushy stage. WOO HOO.   Yesterday evening I had my very first opportunity to understand restriction. Had my dutifully measured out 2 tblspns of moist chicken breast (teeny tiny pieces and chewed to a mush) and 2 tblsps of mashed potato. WOW. It actually felt pretty darn uncomfortable eating the potatoes.   Very interesting. :frown:
d4lussier

d4lussier

1
 

Well - Maybe MUCH Faster, Grasshopper!!!

Last installment was that I was in for a delay because I needed a completely reworked letter for the insurance company from my PCP.   Two days after hearing this from the surgeon's office, I came back from a meeting at work to find THREE phone calls from the surgeon's office. I was thinking "Oh gosh! What other challenges await me!?!"   Well...the calls were to tell me that I was APPROVED! Even without the reworked PCP letter!   Since then has been a blur...I've had my 2nd meeting with the surgeon, have a big long list of tests to get taken care of, have my surgery date (07/29), have my nutritional appointments made, etc.   I am REALLY EXCITED. I think I was truly expecting some other issue to come up, or the insurance company to say NO, or something!   WOW! Every day, almost on a continual basis, I think to myself "In a year, I won't be wearing this size clothes" or "I won't have to turn sideways to get out of the shower" or "I won't be exhausted from walking from one building to the other". It's like I'm living in a whole new world.   Amazing!
d4lussier

d4lussier

1
 

Checking the Boxes

I'm filling out some forms for my Psyche evaluation that is scheduled for 05/30. I can't help but wonder if I'm writing 3/4 of the report the guy is going to send the insurance company!   I had a brief conversation with this guy when I scheduled my appointment. It sounds like he is a non-value-added checkbox along my path of this journey. He has no specific training in obesity issues, doesn't even appear to be a full-time psychologist (only available nights and week-ends). I asked him what his qualifications were for performing the evaluation; his response was that his wife had been through the surgery. Doesn't seem like much of a qualification.   My husband will be happy to know that he'll expand his career options once I have the surgery!   Oh well...I'm already working with a psychologist on my own. The dr. didn't want her opinion; afraid that she won't fill out the report properly was the reason. She and I have tackled many of the issues surrounding my weight. :thumbup:   One checkbox will be complete on 05/30 (Psyche Eval)   Second checkbox will be complete on 06/09 (6th month of nutrition counseling).   Final checkbox will be the letter of medical necessity - supposedly to be sent by the surgeon. There really is no question on that issue; my BMI is over 55 and I have two co-morbidities (high blood pressure & obesity induced asthma).   The timeline I've been told is that to anticipate a surgery date between July 20 & 31. I think I'll be holding my breath until I come out of recovery. :glare:
d4lussier

d4lussier

1
 

Another First!

Getting stuck. Not a bad one...but enough to let me know - I don't wanna do that again!   Morale of the story: DON'T BE POLITE! Son had made chicken, but over cooked it. I tried to choke it down, dryness and all. OOOOOOo not good.   And a question. I can TRULY barely eat 3 Tbsp of food. I see a blog post of someone 5 weeks from surgery who can eat a Wendy's Grilled Chicken Sandwich? SAY WHAT??? How is that possible? Not that I WANT to eat that...but OMG I can't fathom squashing that much food in my poor little tummy.
d4lussier

d4lussier

1
 

Not So Fast, Grasshopper!

Well...today was to be the day I finished up all my prerequisites for submittal to the insurance company.   I took my PCP letter to the bariatric surgeons office, the gal took one look at it, and pronounced it inadequate. :crying:   I had thought about providing it as soon as I got it, but figured I'd just bring it to them in person when I had my last nutritionist visit. I should have gone with my first instinct.   So...I have an appointment on Friday with the PCP to discuss the letter, with specifics about what has to be in the letter. Hopefully she can put together a better letter and fax it to the bariatric surgeon's office and my paperwork can go in early NEXT week.   The first possible surgery date is now July 29th. My birthday is August 12...maybe I'll get my surgery for my birthday present. :frown:   Oh - and the guy who did my psyche eval DID diagnosis me with Binge Eating Disorder in the report - even though I have 3 of the eleven symptoms. I discussed it with the nutritionist who has spent 6 hrs with me over the last six months (as opposed to his 90 minute session) and she was vehement that she doesn't agree with his diagnosis. She's going to discuss it with the "insurance person" and if they agree that it's a poor psyche eval, I'll have to get ANOTHER one. Grrrr...I wonder if I can discuss it with him and have him change it?   Patience....perserverance....determination
d4lussier

d4lussier

1
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