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"It's been such a long time"

I haven't posted or been on this site in so long. I think it's time to sit back and take a look at everyone. When I was banded on June 29, 2009 - I was addicted to this site and to the comraderie I felt with all of you. I've kind of let that go, and I really miss the support. I'm enjoying my "banded" life. I make mistakes frequently but have managed to lose, and keep off 60# with very little effort.   My life changed significantly when my mom died in October as I am now caretaker for my 102 year old feisty grandma - it leaves me little time for thinking about my band.   How are you doing Lucky Dog and Bashful and BG - you were all such inspiring women for me - time to get back in touch.   Have a great week. Love to you all! :Lauraq
lauraq

lauraq

2
 

I Miss My Mom

My mom passed away Sunday evening. She was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast cancer the day after my LAP-BAND®®®® Surgery on June 29. She struggled greatly the last few weeks and I know she is at peace. She was my strongest supporter for my surgery and I will always love her for that. Her funeral was Wednesday - I will try to attach the Eulogy I gave at her funeral Mass. Thanks you all for the prayers the past few months.
lauraq

lauraq

10
 

My Ass is Missing

I haven't posted in several weeks, so here's an update. I had my lap band on 6-29-09. I've had 2 fills for a total now of 3.5cc. I can eat almost anything, but not a large quantity. I've lost right at 40# and feel amazingly better. I weigh 200 and can't wait to get below that.   For those who followed my blog from the beginning, you'll remember my mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer the day after my surgery. It has progressed quickly and she is hospitalized now, probably going home with hospice this week. She completed 20 radiation treatments for the brain metastasis. She no longer acts anything like the vibrant, smart, informed, savvy woman that she has always been, but thankfully there is no pain. I won't know how to act without her, but I know I need to be prepared. Life will be so different without her and I just feel like crying my heart out. I'm a nurse, and it's hard to know where the nurse ends and the daughter starts, or vice versa.   What this all has taught me is to enjoy life no matter how I look on the outside. I've put off doing so many things in my life because of my "fat" appearance and I regret that. NOT ANYMORE!!! I will honor my mom by living each day with courage and strength and joy and laughter, because that is what she did.   Thank you all for allowing me to be part of this LB family. I will eventually get to my goal weight and I appreciate the technology afforded by this fabulous band.
lauraq

lauraq

6
 

Musings on Monday (except it's Tuesday)

It's been a few weeks since I've posted but I've been trying to keep up with everyone. These days go by so fast. Here's what I'm thinking about today...   I haven't lost a pound in three weeks. In fact, I've gained and lost the same 5 over and over. It's time to get back in the game. I get my secong fill on Thursday, so hopefully, I'll have more restriction.
I love that it's almost Fall even though it's still in the 90's here in Texas. The Fall decorations are out and High School football is in full swing. So much fun.
My mom had her 76th birthday on Friday and we celebrated. What do you do when you know it's probably the last time you'll get to blow out birthday candles on your cake? I had a real hard time with it but managed to make it a fun time for her. She was beautiful with her makeup and her wig - always putting her best face forward despite the cancer. I wish I could do more.
My husband entered a 100 mile canoe race this weekend with a friend. He finished in 19 hours, and it'll take him 19 DAYS to recover.
I crave popcorn but I'm scared to try it.
I keep forgetting not to drink with meals.
The flu bug is really bad here. Wash your hands people. And if you're sick, for gosh sakes - stay home.
Think about how nasty and germy the handles of a grocery cart are. Then wash your hands again.
I have people ask me all the time now if I've lost weight. It's a great feeling.
New season of Ellen started today - have it dvr'd and ready to watch.
Any idea when Grey's Anatomy is back on???
This doesn't have much to do with the lap band, but I guess my point is that life is still very normal for me. I don't think about the band as much and that's nice.   Have a great week everyone. Pray for my mom and all the others who need our prayers.   Hook 'em horns!
lauraq

lauraq

2
 

Musings On Monday

Here it is...Monday again. Here's what's on my mind today - feel free to add yours. It's still hot - 100+ degrees everyday in Texas. I sweat like a pig when I try to do anything outside. I hate it.:laugh:
I'm ready for Fall decorations.
I haven't lost any weight this past week. My BMI is now 34 which moves me from severly obese, to just obese. Somehow, that makes me feel better.
Went out to eat with hubby Saturday night - had enough leftovers for 2 more meals. But I finished part of it later, when we got home.:laugh:
I did order a diet water - what the hell is diet water???
School started today for my 16 year old. Woot! She hasn't been up before 10AM all summer. Her alarm went off at midnight - she set it wrong - and started to get ready. She thought it was dark outside because it was 6:30 AM.
My mom finished her brain radiation, and has been very tired. She is not as alert and sharp as she usually is, as her brain continues to swell with from the radiation.
But...kudos to her for getting up every morning, putting on full makeup, fluffing her wig, putting on her jewelry and clothing and saying "SCREW CANCER!!! At least I'm going to look good!"
I've learned this from my mom in the past few weeks - and that is: to not hold postmortems. Not to spend my life brooding over past mistakes and failures. So, I'm not going to spend any more time lamenting that I've been fat for so long - I'm going to celebrate getting thinner and healthier - even if I make mistakes along the way. I invite you all to do the same.
I watched the Miss Universe pagaent last night and wonder if those girls ever eat. I mean, come on. You can see ribs. I have never been able to see my ribs.
I still haven't won the lottery, so I'm working today.
I heard someone say this weekend that they were so fat, they could sell shade.
Christmas is a mere 4 months away.
I love my lap band family and although I don't obsess about reading all the comments every few hours like I did initially, it's still comforting knowing you are all there.
What's up Bashful?
Have a great week everyone, Lauraq
lauraq

lauraq

6
 

Musings On Monday

Just a few thoughts on a Monday: It is hotter than hell in Texas. I haven't seen rain in months.
My sister in law got married Saturday at the beach with a poolside reception. Her cake melted.
I don't do well with mimosas.
I don't do well with shrimp.
My Aloe Vera plant helps my sunburn.
Unlike BG, I still weigh more than my husband, but not for long.
My mom has one more week of brain radiation and then we'll go from there.
Cancer sucks.
Sometimes coming to work is a relief when your everyday life is hectic.
I hate back to school clothes shopping for my 16 year old daughter.
If anyone is looking for a great charity, consider the Make A Wish Foundation.
Milky Way bars (the small bite-size ones) go down just fine.
I don't miss Diet Coke anymore. It doesn't taste as good as it once did.
I can take my pants off without unbuttoning them.:thumbup:
I want to win the lottery soon.
Has Bashful had a date yet with "Hot Eric"?:cursing:
I need another fill soon.
I have a great family.
DD1 left her kitty with me to babysit while she went to Tennessee and now I won't give her back. We've bonded.
Have a great week everyone. Lauraq
lauraq

lauraq

4
 

First Fill - Not So Bad

I had my first fill this morning - 2cc. I 'm not sure how much my band holds but it was completly empty. She said she takes all the fluid out after priming during surgery. She had me lift my legs off the stretcher about 2 inches and put my arms above my head, and my little port just stuck right out like it knew it was supposed to. She prepped me with Betadine, stuck the needle in, pulled out the air and injected 2cc of saline. I only felt a small stick and didn't even know she was through. she is great! She doesn't do the flouroscopy in the office, so we made sure I could swallow water, which I could. Now back at work and just ate some broth off a can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle SOup and it went down fine. So, now liquids for 2 days.   I really needed to have a fill because I've been hungry - not just head hunger. I could eat almost anything (except bread and dry meat). So, hopefully, this will jump start some real weight loss. Although I've lost 32 total since June 3 when starting the preop diet, I've only lost 12 since surgery on June 29.   Nothing new with my mom. Getting the brain radiation. Today was Day 8 of 19. Thanks to all for caring.   Have a great day. Lunch break's over - back to work.   Schedule your mammograms if you haven't already done so.
lauraq

lauraq

2
 

One Month Down

No real news from me - today is one month since I had my surgery and I feel good. Learning what I can eat and what doesn't work for me - usually by trial and error. I need a fill - I can definitely eat more than I could last week at this time. I'm scheduled to have it on August 5.   News on my mom is that she has started brain radiation. I'm so proud of her for choosing to fight this damn cancer. So we go to Austin every day to have it done for 20 treatments. Hopefully it will help with her balance issues and slow the growth of the tumors in her brain so that we can then focus on the breast cancer. It's terrible that her vision is almost gone.   It really puts things in perspective for me. I certainly don't want to diminish what we are all doing, but when I see my mom fighting just to live a little longer, I realize that I must take my cues from her. That's what we are trying to do as bandsters - just live longer and healthier.   God bless Rose, my mom, and God bless all of us as we fight for OUR health.
lauraq

lauraq

3
 

211 Pound "Skinny-Minnie"

My husband called me "skinny" yesterday. Unbelievable! This is from a man who can consume 3000 calories per day, and still weighs less than he did as a high school athlete - and he's 51. That compliment was worth all the struggle. Never thought I would feel skinny, but I'm starting to. It's wonderful to not have fat rolls on my tummy; to not have "chub-rub" on the thighs; to not think about how to camoflauge my fat every day. And, hopefully, it'll get better yet. My mom is doing poorly. She has breast cancer which has spread everywhere, and very rapidly. I doubt we'll even get to the point where treatment is an option. I can't believe I'm even saying that. It is just so sudden, and I'm just not ready. It is so hard to see my independent mom lose her vision from a tumor, be unable to walk unassisted, unable to shower unassisted, and all those little things we take for granted. I am the only daughter, with three brothers, and I'm an RN - so the majority of decisions and medical appointments are left for me. I want to be the daughter and not the nurse. Are we ever ready to lose our mothers??? How do I come to terms with this?
lauraq

lauraq

7
 

Life at Almost 3 Weeks After Banding...

Monday will be three weeks since my lap band. I had all the same feelings the first few days...why did I do this? Will I ever feel normal? Will I know what to eat? And many more. I'm telling you all, it does get better. I can eat with my family - most of what they eat, only a small portion. I can drink without problems, only not a lot at a time. I am back at work, as a nurse, with no issues. The shoulder pain is all a bad memory, as is the gas pain. I poop like a champ. I feel lighter. I don't get short of breath when I walk. My old clothes fit again. I've only lost 30# and I'm at 212, but I feel like a different person. My husband who never, ever made derogatory remarks about my weight, is commenting about how "skinny" I am. I'm here to tell you guys - it's worth every day of the pre-op diet; every gas pain; every PB and every piece of stuck chicken. If I can do this, anyone can. I'm absolutely certain, without a doubt, that this will make a big difference in our lives. God bless. :smile2:
lauraq

lauraq

5
 

The Summer of 2009

This has been a good summer and a terrible summer. The good part is that I got my lap band on June 29th, and have been doing great. No pain anymore; incisions healed; tolerating soft foods and slowily losing weight. The way it should be.   The bad part: my mom has the newly diagnosed breast cancer. She had an MRI of the brain earlier today and the cancer has spread to her brain in multiple areas. It is also in her lungs. We are waiting for the results of the bone scan.   Fortunately, my mom feels well except for some balance issues. We'll see an oncologist on Monday.   So, that's my story for now. I would like to turn back time to when cancer wasn't a part of my life, but that option isn't there. So, onward I go with all the strength and love I can muster for my mom and my family, and all of you.
lauraq

lauraq

1
 

Is It Friday Yet?

I'm getting ready to start the work week. I was on call this weekend so not really off - so I'm looking forward to next weekend already. I have payroll to do, scheduling to check, patients to take care of, so I like Mondays. They're busy and keep me from thinking about other things. But, I wish it were Friday. To those being banded this week, congratulations. To my band buddies from June 29th, how are we doing? I gained 1 pound this weekend - I'm not sure how because I'm not eating much. Oh, well....
lauraq

lauraq

3
 

Why Am I Up So Early???

I'm pissed....I could sleep as late as I wanted today but I'm up at my usual 5:00 AM'ish time. I'm so jealous of folks who can sleep past 8AM. It sucks being a morning person - now I have to be quiet because everyone else is asleep. Waking up early gives me more awake time to think and worry and stress and worry some more.   My mom's cancer diagnosis gets worse by the day. The breast cancer has spread to her lungs. Next week we get tests done to check to see is it is in her bones and brain, and then decide what treatment to pursue, if any. She has put total trust in me to chose the right direction for her, and I'm struggling with what is best for her. Any words of advice from anyone who has been in a similiar situation would be welcomed. How can things change so fast???   Band-life has taken a back seat right now. I eat enough mushies, but not nearly enough protein. I'm staying at 212 now for a couple of days. I've had a few episodes of swallowing too much too fast and then I feel the pain. I'm ready for meat, and normal high protein foods - I'm really tired of sweet, or faux sweet stuff.   So, onward I go. Things will normalize in due time. Hope everyone has a good weekend, stays cool, and loves life! Laura
lauraq

lauraq

4
 

Making It Through Tough Times

I think I'm learning to get used to this new way of living and eating. I can recall very few times in my life where I actually felt full. I wasn't even sure anymore how that was supposed to feel. Now when I eat, I feel full. And when I don't eat, I feel hungry - another new feeling for me. I think I just ate all the time...mindless nibbling, huge meals...and I never allowed myself the opportunity to develop hunger. So, that's a new feeling for me as well. My scale today shows 212.2#. My preop visit weight was 239.5, so I'm very satisfied with a 27.3# loss. I can feel the difference in my clothes, and when I have to walk long distances at work. I have yet to be noticed for having lost weight. And I've kept my surgery private from most of the people I work with, so there's no pressure there. My family has been tremendously supportive. Although my husband still thinks I need to eat more. On the Mom front, the discovery is that she has a large (at least lemon-sized) tumor in her left breast. We have found that it has been there since December - she kept it to herself as long as she could. After the initial anger at her for not sharing that with anyone, or at least trying to get medical attention (she is a retired nurse), I've resigned myself to the fact that she is so very, very private - that anything like that - including doctor's exams, mammograms, etc, - would make her feel violated in some way. So, since she chose to keep the cancer to herself, there is not much I can do now except try to get her the best treatment I can. If it's too late, then we will deal with that, and make sure the rest of her life is happy and wonderful, surrounded by family. I hope all of you get your mammograms, despite how we feel about our bodies. Thank you for all the support. I am in awe of what all of you amazing women have been through, and continue to go through. --Lauraq
lauraq

lauraq

4
 

Feeling better day by day

Today was a good day. I had a little more energy until late this evening. Less shoulder pain...finally. Less soreness overall. I ate soupy mashed potatoes today which tasted amazing, but I was full very quickly. What a concept! I walked 1 mile with my DD2 and friend this evening and could hardly make the last lap. There was a high school summer workout program going on at that time, and I tell you...teenagers don't know how wonderful it is to have those athletic bodies. I wish they could fast forward a few years to motivate them to keep it up. I wish I would have.   I take my mom tomorrow for a physical to look for cancerous lesions on her body to make sure she doesn't have a melanoma. Then Thursday, I have a post op visit and she's having a body scan. I'm praying that maybe all the bad news we heard last week might have some miracle cure. I'm trying to keep my mantra going - "God's grace is sufficient." We can make it through many bad days with the grace of God - I think I am finally realizing that.   Hope all my June 29th band buddies are recovering nicely. Have a good night all.
lauraq

lauraq

4
 

It's A Monday

Today is one week since my surgery and I'm back to work. I thought for sure everyone would notice something different, but only one person asked me if I had lost weight. Of course, in scrubs it's hard to tell any body-type. Overall, I feel good - just a little shaky today. I was at a meeting at lunch and felt some rumbling in my belly and barely made it to the restroom for my first poopy-do in 5 days. So, that feels amazingly better. I was a fool early in the week with those Gas X strips - I was taking 1 at a time not realizing that I could take up to 4 - that really seemed to help. My diet consists of soups, puddings - not enough protein - I need to work on that some. My steri strips fell off and the incisions look OK. On the home front, I'm waiting for an appointment for my mom to have a PET scan to start a metastatic workup, looking for an orgin of the cancer that appears to be in her eye. She is doing well and my daughters are pampering her by fixing her food, cleaning her house, and watching movies with her. We will get through this - God's grace is sufficient. I hope all my other June 29 lap band buddies are doing well. WE have a lot of work to do, and I look forward to seeing how everyone is doing. A special thanks to my band buddy "imaluckydog" for being available for me Friday when I was in a low spot. Thank you so much. And to those of you who have gone before, keep the info coming. Even what might seem trivial to some is "lapped-up" by some of us. Have a good week.
lauraq

lauraq

2
 

Happy Fourth of July

Today is my 5th post-op day and I woke up feeling pretty good. I had a bad experience yesterday with the shoulder pain, and gas pain. We went to my sister-in-laws for swimming and a little celebration. It was a stupid thing to do, but I mushed a little bit of potatoes and had a little sliver of mushy cake, and thought I would explode. I got up to excuse myself and was washing dishes, then felt myself getting sweaty and light-headed like I was about to faint. So, I went outside and got some air which helped a bit. Then I started the dry heaves. Nothing came up but some air, so is this the proverbial PB I've heard so much about? If so, I really want nothing to do with it ever again. Now my chest feels a little sore but the full feeling is gone. I weigh 214.8 this morning, down from 239 1 month ago. I can wear my wedding rings again which is very special to me.   My brother is having a cook-out tonight for his birthday - I have to have a little more self-control around the food. Has anyone felt like they want to take what is available just to make it look like you're a normal eater?? Does that make sense. It's hard to explain why I just have a tiny bit on my plate without having to go into all the details, which I don't always want to do,   I did have a good day with my mom yesterday. I fixed a meal for her because she doesn't have an appetite with this cancer news. I went to the store for her, and ran a few errands. She cried a little (highly unusual for her) and I think felt a little better,   Have a great day.
lauraq

lauraq

2
 

Saddest day

Well, I found out late yesterday that my mom does have a cancer that has spread to her eye and elsewhere. Quite a blow to all of us. As if things couldn't get sadder, our 15 year old cat who has been sick, died last night while we were all watching a movie. We buried her in my flower bed while all three of may daughters (ages 22, 20 and 16) stood by and cried while my husband buried her. I'm trying to wrap my head around all this sadness and try to determine how to stay strong for everyone while i feel like everything has changed in 5 days. I was banded Monday and am really not getting enough calories and protein - mostly because the desire is just not there. Who woulda thought it??   So, I'll keep trying to do whatever it is I need to do to get by. I know so many people who have things much worse than I do.   Any ideas from you hat have been banded longer on how to get the protein in when you just don't feel like eating or drinking?   Sorry to share sad news all the time - I want to be able to have some joy to share as well. I'm just not feeling it right now.   Enjoy the holiday weekend and our freedom.
lauraq

lauraq

6
 

Day 3

This is Band Day #3 - I woke up feeling tremendously better this morning. Yesterday was just an overwhelming day for me, hearing the ugly cancer news about my mom. I think it kind of knocked the wind out of my sails. But, the support and stories I read on hear every day assures me that life does go on.   I weighed this morning, I weighed 222# the morning of surgery, and this morning I'm 218.8. I know I didn't drink enough yesterday because we were on the road and I was unprepared, so I'll work on that today. The 100+ heat here in Texas is draining on a good day.   Have a great day all!!
lauraq

lauraq

3
 

Needing Prayers

Spent my first post-op day today with my mom in a clinic - found out she probably has some rare cancer which has spread to her eye. Her only symptom has been blurred vision for six weeks, for which she has been to three different doctors and treated for allergies, etc.   So now, I feel like this has been a bad time to have this done.I haven't been able to focus on drinking today like I should, but I really feel ok except for the shoulder pain.   I 'm just having a little old pity party and wanted to see if any of you could send up some prayers for my mom.   Thank you.
lauraq

lauraq

7
 

I'm Banded!

I had my lap band done yesterday at 7:30 AM and was home by noon. Everything went smoothly I think. I still kind of feel like it isn't true.   I feel weak - was only able to drink tea and water yesterday so I really haven't had any calories in over 36 hours. Any thoughts on how to start? Last night I still had some nausea and the bloating and left shoulder pain was pretty bad. I took Lortab Elixir and a Phenergan and slept well. I really feel pretty good this morning. Did anyone feel a little sad after it was done? I feel like that now - maybe just a let down from all of the planning and anticipation I guess. My daughter and my husband have been great and I hope to spend some time this afternoon on this site.   Have a great day, all.
lauraq

lauraq

4
 

Getting Close!

I'm getting close! Monday the 29th is my band day. I spoke to the hospital today and I need to be there at 5:30AM, scheduled for surgery at 8AM. I will spend the night with DD1 the night before because the hospital is an hour away from my home, but only a few minutes from her apartment. DH will come later - he took off from work even though I didn't want him to - I'm afraid he'll overhear how much I weigh. Isn't that crazy?? Even when I was pregnant with our 3 daughters, I didn't want him to know how much I weighed. Everyone elsed seemed so proud of their weight gain, or of their pregnant bodies, but I was ashamed - I remember it like it was yesterday. Not that he isn't able to see...it's just kind of the ultimate humiliation to weigh more (way more!!!) than him. My doctor ordered a low carb diet for 2 weeks prior. I started a little before that, and she only ordered liquids for the day before. However, I've read so much here and on other sites, that I put myself on a liquid diet this past Monday. So far, I'm doing OK except a little light-headed at work. I hope the liver is nice and small. I have a convention to go to this weekend with a bunch of teen-age girls, and we'll be eating out the entire weekend. I had to tell a few people about my surgery so they would know what was going on and so that they wouldn't try to get me to eat. They've been very supportive. This weekend will be tough, but the prize is in sight. I've been reading some other blogs about anxiety and depression...I don't really feel that way, but it seems a little weird to me somehow - like I'm separating myself from the pack...does that make sense? Maybe if I were more comfortable sharing this experience with my co-workers, I would not feel as much like a phony. Does it feel like a cop-out to anyone to see others lose weight without surgery? I know, I've been there and tried it. And I owe it to myself, and I owe no explanations to anyone. There - I said it and I feel better. I turned 50 this year and I can remember turning 40 saying I didn't want to be 40 and fat. Where did the 10 years go? I have a lot of life left in me - and I'm ready. I probably will not post until after surgery since my weekend will be full. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the support, for putting yourselves out there, and for being real. I know some folks don't like to read the blogs with complaining or negative thoughts, but for me, this is cathartic; and it's my diary. Talk to ya'll later. Yes, I'm from Texas!
lauraq

lauraq

1
 

Duh

Sorry I entered the last post twice. I'm not able to delete it. :thumbup:
lauraq

lauraq

1
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