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Who knows Nykee

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2011 . wow. Its been so long. Am I ready to blog again about this stuff?? I dunno. 2011

Just... in the exact same position I was when I left off here years ago. I am STILL around 320 pounds... and i am STILL TIGHT and have restriciton problems constantly. But instead of trying to fix it with prednisone, I just deal with it. I choke every day. On food or water.   I think.. ill just start off with a food journal. I just gave up cookies yesterdaty or so I tell myself, we shall see. I gave up candy 10 months ago, and have had NO candy since. Which is mindboggling.   I have not done a food journal for months. I got to see where I can make changes. See if what I THINK, is really the Truth.   Tuesday April 12th   11am. - 2 pills and one gulp of 100% Grape Juice. 12:45pm- 4 tortilla chips 2:30 - One inch section of granola bar ariel handed me and I took. 3:30 -Now.. and Im hungry. but... ya. I can still feel that granola bite, in my throat. 5:00 = 3/4 cup mashed potatoes with gravy (from this dinner thing, i fed the meat to the dogs) 20 ounces 1% milk, with nesquick 7:40 - eating Rye chips right now.   hey. I should go to fit day.
Nykee

Nykee

1
 

ewww

I am fed up..   I am gaining weight cuz my fill isnt tight (and I dont follow a diet consistantly)........ I need a fill, but even with one, I HAVE to restrict myself in calories, carbs ect.. OR i wont lose much more..   I am NOT happy about a approximate 75 pound loss in 18 months... I lost pre-op and I lost during a few winter months, ever since I have been gaining and loosing the same 10-15 pounds... but I dont see anymore loosing of those pounds, only more gain.   I struggle with extra tightness.. often enough and I respect it.. .. but its inconsistantcy is really annoying, cant plan my diet....have ups and downs with emotions with eating food.. all cuz I just dont know whats ok. I hate that.   When I am well restricted and I know basically how restricted I am, I accept it and I dont have all the concerns about food. I dont crave what I know I cant have. (its great)   But there are enough times when I am not so tight to allow in too many calories....... and I need a fill... for those times..   I dont want to deal with the times I will be extra tight.. twice as much. I fear I may send myself into a too tight situation like I did a few months ago... and have to accept that my restricition level now is where I have to be.. and where the weight is coming back on.   I will get a fill as soon as I have the money.. I wish I could do it now!   IF I JUST DIDNT HAVE a SENSITIVE BAND.. IF I was just more consistant.. EVERYTHING would be perfect.   If this is it.. I have been left with a smaller scale weight, a flabby nasty body that cannot be contained and maked me look fatter everywhere but the shoulders back and face.. I deal with skin infections now, and lower self body image. The changes, the flab is sooooo different and soooo ugly and sooooo bothersome and so apparent that my weight loss does not seem worth it. My sciatica is worse,..     ewww   one day, I feel a rash between my legs, on my inner thighs and buttocks near the gina... it just showed up that big, nothing gradual at all..   I have never in my life had a rash down there... !! I have been 400 pounds and I have been laid up and unshowered and it never ever happened...   I have got small rashes of 1/4 the size.. under my belly many times, I soak in a tub and wash those and they go away by the next day.. This rash was NOT like those ones.. this rash was like a burn, raised and leather like, and hurt.   Truth is I know about how fat people get rashes.. once I was browsing through a web site of gross pictures and saw two naked ladies about 250 to 300 pounds bending over to show their asses and there huge infected rashes that seemed to me to be untaken care of.. (real bad) I didnt understand it at all.... I felt that anyone could control such a thing if they tried hard enough. I knew that I would never be able to live with such a problem.   soooo.... I dont freak out.. I soak in the tub and wash and wash it and assume it will go away after a few soaks... and then I guess I have to take extra steps to keep my new massive flabs clean and tidy. (like I dont have enough to do to keep it all clean down there, I use about 5 wet wipes everytime I pee, and need to..)   The next time I soak..... My rash is peeling off in brown skin chunks... I peel and peel and it never ends.... the skin underneath is raw and not healed.   I begin to cry my head off. (never had a yeast infection or anything happen down there.. plus my odor has always been faint)   I am scraping off skin from that area... unreal. I worry that there will be lasting effects (like i wasnt ugly enough down there)... its like sinking a level of obesity I didnt count on everr.... Especially didnt think of it as an affect of weight loss..   NOW its happened obviously cuz of all the excess flab from my weight loss. I cant keep my thighs from touching in the tub, they float together... and out of the water I have to spread my legs real far before they dont touch.. I would guess the flab added about 6 inches to the size of my inner thighs..   I get up the nerve to take some pictures.. I have to ask my daughter to do it.. and she is nice of course... but after wards I cry for like an hour.. I dont cry alot.. It was really humiliating..   I have took pics of every rash i got so far, but this isnt something I want to tell anyone happened to me.. and how gross to have photographed..   BUT.... I have to think of my future and do all I can if and when I have to fight for my skin cut off as a medical nessesity.   My worst fear is that who ever I am talking to about that issue, tells me or implies that I am not really doing all I possibly can to keep clean, or I am lying about never having had any rashes when I was over 400 pounds. and that those are regular rashes that are trypical of obese and nothing extrodinary .. bath more, wear cotton undies.. etc... Deal with it.   My flab is so horrible.. I HATE IT.. I dont see why it changed sooo much at so little loss.. GRRRR IF I knew i was going to lose another 150 pounds, and most likey get it all cut off, I wouldnt be so upset over it..   but all I see is.. I am not going to lose enough weight to cut flab off and I now have this deformed body that I hate more than my 400 pound body.   Plus if I gain weight and I get to 400 again... OMG, I cant imagine how bad that would look..   Why isnt all of this an incentive to DO WHAT I NEED TO DO...
Nykee

Nykee

3
 

Spring Break

WOW   I was amazing.   I had no idea It could be this way.   I DONT know yet, how much the Steroids are affecting me.. OF course they are alot..   BUt..I am hopefull Its NOt all the steroids.. That would be a SHAME>       PLUS.. I am gonna be asking for some for daily use.. Not near this amount.. like 10 ml a day. I will skip some days and go for it on others.   Here is the list of AMAZING things I did.. THAT I NEVER DO.. THAT were IMPOSSIBEL TO DO.   I drove with out adequate emergency money. On bad tires and a car that overheats sometimes.. hundreds of miles, in the night, no cell, with only a 13 yr old companion with no real plans set in stone. CUZ I KNEW I COULD handle any problem that might come up, it was Go or NOt go.. I had no way to fiz these problems.. BEFORE I would OF NEVER went in a million years.. I might cause a horrific tradgic event from a simple flat tire..     Me and CRY left at 10pm on saturday night.. we drove into Tillamook then slept at the rest stop for the fun of it. usually I would NEVER start a trip late and do something like sleep in the van right away cuz it would start me in pain that ruined me before I could even start. I slept on the van floor on a foam pad. It was not painfull. I did not take extra pills. I did not cry and want to die. IT WAS FUN! Everytime I sleep on any surface besides my bed.. I dont sleep, I take like 6 vicodan, I am in pain the whole time and Its HORRIFIC sufrfering I just try to deal with.. no choice.. Even though I love the idea of sleeping in the van like that in the night and the nature.. It hurt too much to be fun. I parked at the last parking space from the toilets. I made this choice wondering if I would move or drive closer later. I choose not to have the light in my eyes. BEFORE I would of parked as close as possible NO matter what.   I walked to the bathroom 4 times in the middle of the night. I did not drive or park near the potty. I didnt wake child to help me. I put on my shoes. I got my wipes. I walked fast there and back. I opened door, got in, took shoes off I went right back to sleep. This was alot of steroids kicking in.. but still, 4 times? totally easy each time, I mean it was effort but it wasnt like I was torturing myself. Normally I cant walk this far, I would get a ton of help from a kid and DEFINATELy driver as close to the potty as I could get. The whole ordeal of pissing at night at camp was the worst.. this was nothing. The pee freely.. WOWO   I got us up at 9am and brushed teeth and cleaned the van. Put on makeup and got all ready. I did this the whole trip EXRTRA well.. WE both looked good and were clean all but one day. The VAN too. This is usually so important to me but something I never am saticfied about. It ruins trips for me mentally and I always tried to let it go cus its not whats important and I cant handle it all.. I was totally happy with us.. Ii was proud to walk around and I felt good, not like a scum.. WONDERFUL. I went into the Jiffy mart like 10 times and got stuff and paid myself and carried stuff.. I went in many times alone. I only sent CRy in alone a few times. Normally I may go in once.. and never again. Its how I save my energy. I want to go in.. But I just cant make the trip if I do.   I bowled a whole game by my self, never had anyone talke a turn for me. I have always had kids take my turn.. Prolly my first whole game in 10 yrs.     I put two cans of oil in my van all by myself. I bought them too. ALL me. I would have the gas people do it. OR I would have a kid help.   I held the air pump for crystal and was activily involved in keeping the tires inflated. Same with the fix a flat can, and checking for leaks. I wouldnt have dealt with all this, I would not of made the trip. It would of been too much trouble and too much to do and not manageble.   I went in and bought a newspaper in forrst grove by my self. I bought a few papers. I read three papers (all of them) and I took numbers of APt. I would of not read them all. I may of skipped this, I usually dont have the time or patience.     I sat in sharons kitchen chair for like an hour without dying.I was able to go in and be comfortable and not worry and feel so pitifull and viset. Going to sharons is always hard cuz she wants to show me things and lots of times sitting is not the option or the sitting isnt good for my back at all.. her place is not cripple friendly and I am not comfortable telling her how I am ready to faint and my back is feeling explosive,So its always hard trying to manage and not look like a loser.. I didnt really want to know how bad I felt. ya know..   I stood up and used sharrons phone for a quic call and didnt have to sit. Twice. I stood over her desk and made phone calls. I would have to sit to even think before I could even dial before. She noticed this and tried to accomodate me to sit not realizing I was choosing to stand.. I never noticed her being tune to my needs before but I guess she was.. I am glad to know she recognized how hard I had it..   I walked around the entire Shoe store. Front and back and more. I looked at lots of shoes and wondered around on my own. Plus my mom parked in a parking spot and I walked to and from the shoe store. Normally people drop me off, I go in and sit and they come to me. I barely get it done this way. I get hot. The places to sit are not good enough.. waiting and thinking and choosing what to do as far as getting what is mind numbing.. I can barely make it to pay and back to the car. I always need help holding my hand or something.. it was hard, and my mom has no clue how it usually is.. but I would of never showed her.. I would of stayed in the car and told her I couldnt go in before I went in like a crippled freak. My parents just have no clue how bad off I am.   I took a shower at my moms, alone. I cant even do this at home. I get help ALWAYS with something. NO one was home but me, and I just went for it cuz I felt like I could. I got my clothes, supplies, found a towl, ran the tub, washed and got out and dried and dressed and cleaned up my mess.. NOrmally all I do is get in the tub, wash, get out and dry.. everything else is done for me. I did a load of laundry at my moms alone.. same as above.. I put it in the washer and dryer and took them out. THIS IS NEVER EVER DONE fully by me..   I left my moms house on my own.. I took stuff out and from my van when we were at my moms. I could of had CRy come home first to avoid being stuck with too much loose ends to tidy, but I choose to pick her up, so I had to get everything loaded and dooors locked and such on my own.. it was hard but I did it. I would of passed out before.   I walked down oceanside trail and rocks and back up NO problem. No fear. NO help and I carried stuff too. I laid on a blanket for half a day and my back was fine.. I was not hurt and didnt suffer later. I almost never go down. If I do, someone has to hold me. Its very scarey and more trouble than its worth and I cant stay long and coming up makes me want to die and I am wrecked the rest of the day for so little..     I swam laps for almost an hour and didnt get bored or tired or stiff and loved it. I went in at 6am too.. We went twice. I took Full shower. I looked around the facility alittle. YMCA May have skipped it, not wanting to deal with the counter lady. May have skipped the pool and only used the shower.. Never would of swam so many laps and enjoyed it. My neck and shoulders and back would hurt way before I could enjoyit.     I went into shilo store a few times alone. I filled the huge dew jug on my own. I had to get the dew jug for amber as a gift and normally I would of walked out and not filled it, cuz I wouldnt have the strengh anD I would be affraid of spilling it or not being able to manage it and just skipped it. I always have to skip things like that even if I want to do it or should do it.     We went to the cheese factory to find something for my easter exchange. I looked through the entire gift store. Then the other side of the factory too. Then stood in line and paid for my stuff. WE NEVER sat down. I did this again a few days later on a smaller scale.. NO sitting. I usually walk in and sit down immmediately to rest. Then I sit and look and scout and I send kids to look and do things and then I get up and move here and there sitting as I go.. I make the kids pay always. Its all about getting as much as I can without fainting. Its the best I could do without missing out. I am glad to be there but its such a pain and hassle.     I went into the netarts store alone and got apple juice and had them open it.. scaled thw whole store looking for mellows. I went into the idaville store too, went through the whole store looked at things. I went into many little stores and walked through the whole thing looking for good deals to feed and water us. I looked at misc things too. usullally, I am in and out as fast as I can. leaning on things, asking where things are, asking them to get me things, waiting for a kid to find things, just holding on till I can get back to the car and sit again. Not able to look at anything or enjoy anything or talk to anyone in a regular way. Usually rude and curt and short with everyone and dont pay any mind to details as I am dizzy and unable to focus on anything but getting through it.     At jenns and my moms, I got my own food and drinks. I even cooked in a pan and used the microwave and cleaned up my own mess. I threw away my own trash too. I have everyone do this for me. Its wasted energy I cant ever spare and is just so hard. I always mess up. I cant do it right. When I try its just a joke and I either go without or I ask someone or I get offers. I didnt like it at all, it was nervewracking and I rather not do these things for my self, but I COULD.. so I did a few times instead of NONE. It sucks though. Throwing away trash isnt fun at all.. Its hard. I went to the movies. I walked accross the street, paid the window and went right to seats in the front. The seats fit me so perfect. After I walked out NO help and back to the van, I stood and spoke to jenn by the wall about dinner plans. I enjoyed the movie start to finish. usually, I would not pay as i would be leaning trying to keep upright long enough to get inside. I would never of parked accross the street. Someone would of had to drop me off and parked, or I would not go. I would of got in my van asap and sat, making everyone come to me to talk or say bye or make the plans. I would be exhausted and wish I didnt go cuz my back hurt so much and my hips would be bruised, but I would grin and tell everyone I was so glad we did this.. regretting it too. I walked around the Fish hatchey.. usually I wouldnt get out at all or I wouldnt go as far as I did. Depends.     I slept in the van at barveiw for hours really well.. even though my back was hurting. It was peacefull like I cant describe. I enjoyed it. I could never enjoy what I should cuz of the pain.. Nothing made it OK.   At barveiw.. we parked away from the bathroom and I walked int he middle of the night to it instead of drove. This was after many days of activity and I would be BENT and crippled by now and doing alot less.. but just like the first night.. I was still able.   I woke in the middle of the night (3am) wide awake and choose to drive to town and find a laundry matt.. I didnt get crytal to help and let her sleep. I got the laundry ready and did it all my self.. got the money and all, put the close in and everything. I had to make many trips back and forth. I would NEVER ever do this..I COULDnt physically if I wanted to.. I usually help with laundry and liked that I could do this.. I thought the washer was broke and had to get cry to help then, but I wanted her up anyway for company. We sat in this laundry matt, on hard tables viseting and wathcing VH1. We changed and put on makeup and had a great conversation about running a teen youth center and low income food service and such. I folded the clothes. Normally I would sit in the van.. I would not sit in inside and have a white trash fun time with the kids. Its uncomfortable and a strain. This was fun.   I took avery and crystal INTo mcdonalds to eat. I almost never would do this. Its too hard to order and wait and the seats are too small. I usually choose it to be easier on me than think of their comforts cuz I cant Do everything even if I CAN.. i have to pick and choose and this is one of those things I have been selfish about mostly.. not going in!   I took avery with cry to be in the hot tub at my moms. I was in charge. I normally would not of done this cuz it would take too much effort on my part. Its not my hot tub or my house and my parents are not used to kids and I would have to be sure they were dressed and towls and behaved and quiet and DRy and didnt let the birds out and didnt harm the tub and so on and so on and its too much.. I just wouldnt try cuz I would likely mess it up and look the fool. Well, it wasnt perfect.. BUt it was doable. My parents commented on my weight loss FINALLY.. They meant it this time. I felt proud for the first time with them and this band,. I told them my acheivements instead of downplaying myelf. I didnt feel like a huge blob invading their home and destroying their stuff and hurting their eyes and makeing them feel blah at the site of me and all my lame lame lamo. I usually feel huge dissapointment, (its there) and no matter how hard I try not to look so bad, and hide my lameness. I cant do it and trying so hard makes it worse. It was a vicious cycle.       I wore my black outfit with the shells that was way too small last year. and it looks fine. My mom gave me some sandles that are size 8 and they fit. My mom bought me a shirt and it was 26-28 and it ended up fitting! The outfit wasnt wearable as it was too small all over. I havent been in any shoe under size 10 since I was 20. I never find a shirt from a real store that fits. I slept on jenns couch, twice and it was fine.. I cant even sit on it for long its so weird and uncomfortable. She wont even sleep on it. MY black girdle goes right on me...I have had this for a long long time and it took mass effort to put on, now pulls up like undies. My white bra holds me in and I feel comfortable in it.. I have never been able to contain my fat around my bra.. and constantly hassled with it and never felt comfortable. It was obsessive how all I thought about was how it looked. It was impossible to contain yet I couldnt stop trying.. crazy,
Nykee

Nykee

2
 

Update, Problems, March 14th

Update: March 14th Been having a hard time. Been to the doctors alot.. Been having anxiety and depression. Prolly the hardest time I have had in a decade emotionally and financially, but definately not physically, I want to make that clear. My Follow up, fill doctor who is less than an hour from me, totally accomodating and I have complete access to.. happens to have took a month long vacation/training that is out of the country and I happen to be having problems.. SO, I have been forced to try to get the care I need with my pcp, different urgent care doctors and at the ER. This is actually gone very well IMO, BUt not the best.. But better than I could exspect, its still frusterating.. the whole situation. My situation is that I was adjusted on jan. 31, and about a week later I was too tight and I blamed it on my menstral that came early and instead of a unfill, I knew with some steroid antiinflamitory (solumederol) I could ward off abuse of the band for the week or so.. It worked well. Well, I have come to find out, its just too tight.. period.. and every little thing is inflaming it.. and NOW she is out of town till April. I am forced to keep my infalamation down ON MY OWn,, for all this time.. ITS very hard. Keeping my inflamation down, simply mean to keep from getting to the point or staying at the point of choking or spitting up my own saliva... as long as I burp it or gurgle it and it opens up enough at night for liquids than ITS FINE.. BUT.. I have been puking for over a week.. everything.. and sometimes untill midnight and being up for hours.. Two drink of milk HAS to come up. I still bring it up my self.. but that is cuz of the pressure.. and if I waitm its comes up with alot of slime just prooving my saliva was collecting as the liquid was stuck and IT NEEDED to come out.. I think its BAD" to make my self puke every thing out, but it doesnt come on its own, I can feel the pressure, I can feel my band being affected and with every swallow of saliva it build up more and I cant imagine keeping it in is the right thing to do.. I try to drink about once an hour,.. or have some soup when I am really getting hungry and frusterated and I have made a small habit of puking up every thing I ate.. So, FINALLY.. I decided enough is enough and I went again to ask for the solumederal.. (thing is they are hesitant to give it to me, cuz its not a good medicatiion for the obese or diabetic) PLUS they do not know the band and although it has always worked out.. I really avoid going as much as possible cuz its this big ordeal I JUST dont want to or like to have to do.. BUT I went again yesterday,.. I got the 125ml shot and FUCK, I should of NEVEr let my self PUKe for over a week ... There is a point where you get TOO inflamed where this treatment isnt going to work good enough... The first time last month I went in, I was open in one hour and open for 3 days.. the second time I was open within a few hours and it lasted almost 2 days, NOW I couldnt drink without PUKING untill midnight.. then I took the two valium and then an hour later I coulnt drink again wihtout discomfort. Well knowing the solumederal might not be working for me is only going to lead to an emergency type situation (if your fill doctor is out of town and you have no way to get to your band doctor) comletete UNFILL.. and the only option.. and they take it all out as they are not educated here to just take out the 1 or 2 cc's that would help me. This all caused me a 3 hour long panic attack last night.. all this and a few other stressors.. When I got the solumederal.. I was called later and told my blood sugar was 303... THAT, plus all of its implications.. made me panic more and more by the minute and I ended up in the ER. (I am ashamed and embarrassed.. I have a psychology degree and I understand how anxiety works when you have a malfunction in the brain, it makes things that normally you dont PANIC or FREAK out over.. BUt you cant help it either no matter how smart or level you think you are and it gets away with you.. out of controll... anyway.. I really hate that.. I feel horrible.. It doesnt help your healthcare to be known for this as everyone looks at you as a freak and your not taking seriously.. I have always hid my anxiety.. but the attatck last night was one of the worst I have ever had and the others I had I was already in the hospital.. this was the real first one at home.. All I could think about was how I CANNOT let my self get an emergency unfill.. it takes months to build that back up and MONEY I DONT have.. I have lost another 600$ a month in child support last month. (as I already lost 75% of my income in July).... anyway.. If I am down for 6 months.. I KNOW for a fact i will gain all 80 pounds back.. I am not being neggative, I KNOW it will happen cuz I know my self, I know my past habits and whats happened every time.. In order NOT to let this happen.. I MUST keep this inflamation at bay until APRIL ... I must have lots of solumederal till then.. I got my A1c level taken alittle over a week ago.. and it was 8.2 It was 8.2 a yr ago as well.. That means I run around an everage level of 160... THIS IS actully GOOD.. First, its the same as a year ago.. PLUS this is surprising low for a 400 pound person.. who lives on sugar.. I HAVE been very lucky and done pretty good about my diabeties compared to many, BUT.. yesterday afternoon I was 303, last night I was 350, (doctors said so) and then I tested my self this morning and my monitor said 375..(I was certain it was stress that made me high, but this morning I was calm as a cucumber, I had two valium last night and I was Over it.. AND STILL THE HIGH numbers) NEVER in my life have I EVER been this high.... (well only when I had back sugery and they said it was all cuz of stress,.,.as soon as I was home, it was back to around 150 and such again) So.,. this is a huge factor in them giving me the solumederal.... PLUS they gave me liquid prednislone to keep the steroids high in mee... The solumedraol didnt keep me open.. IT DID HELP alittle.. I can sip juice.. about 6 drink this morning and no need to puke it up (absolutely IMPOSSIBLE if I had not got the shot) BUT it is impossible to drink the liquid.. I tried, one vile and I had to chase it with acidy OJ.. and I choked on it.. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo I have an appointment tomarrow at 11am with my pcp.. THESE are MINE and HIS options: #1... Let me come in every other day for a shot of steroidal antinflamitory. (or less as I see necessary, it is very obvious to me when I need it. I will not take anymore than is needed to stop the PUKINg and stop the choking on saliva) My guess would be 80 ml, or so... OR let me take home the shots, I can easily give them to my self.. they dont hurt, they go in the vein or muscle and I perfectly capible.. This is neceassary as upon waking I CANNOT take the liquid.. I cannot take it all day in the anount necessary and at night MY only meal intake cannot be this liquid, plus chaser, AND it keeps you up ALL night long (it really makes me hyper and energetic like nothing else) and then I will sleep all day and then its this vicious cycle cuz it swells upon sleeping, so its INSANE to take it at night.. I must have shots in the AM.. TILL aprill... My levels of 300 can be controlled with insolin for this time.. I was told by the ER doctor that people like me go years at levels of 300 every day and NO IT WILL NOT KILL ME or harm me much to be at this level for a month.. THERE is proof as of just a week ago I had my A1c levels taken, PROOVING I am NOT normally NOR have I been for long anywhere Near these levels.. My PCP has to care more about my band and my MORBID obesity and go against than a month long risk of the solumederal and diabeties he is used to protecting.. HE has to realize the BAND issues NEGATES this normal practice.. #2.... FIND someone who will take out 1 to 2 cc's in an 'emergency type' capacity as no one is trained OR they may not do it in any other capacity as malpractivce fears.. THE port is RIGHT there.. STICK a needle in and pull out a few cc's NOT ALL OF IT.. IS that a REMOTE possibilty?? #3.. Go to ER.. have them pull out all my Fill, as that is all they are really able to do, and are instucted to do.. once its an emergency where nothing can help me. A few cc's will not help anyway... A full unfill will be necesarry.. IF I am not helped.. I will end up having to do this within less than two weeks.. (and two weeks shy of getting my unfill I need) Of course I am in favor of option one.. My appointment is tomarrow.. We will see.. I dont want to feel the emotions, the fear, the panic, the anxiety and the depression.. (that I know can lead to bad places) that I think will happen if he denies me.. I know what happened last night just comtemplating all these things.. Tomarrow it will be final.. I hate admitting so much weak ass shit.. But I made descisons about my life before I got the band.. this is about not being a burdon on my kids and my family.. Well, I am not going to stress today, so enough about that,. I LOVE myself.. I DO I DO I DO... I CAN get through this... ((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
Nykee

Nykee

1
 

solumedral

OK So I called and what I got was called Solumedral, 125 mg I got that shot at 2pm while gurgling on my saliva and unable to drink anything. By 4pm I was open... and then for the rest of the night I was wide open. I was able to drink as much milk as I wanted. I was able to have pizza and drink milk DURING eating it.. I was able to fall asleep for a few hours and upon waking STILL able to drink all through the night.. Gulp it even. It wasnt until the next day around noon that I got restrcition back. OBVIOUSLY I dont need 125mg.. Upon my short research so far.. it looks as if Solumedral is about the same thing as prednisone. I will research it more though. I need as much that I can take at night before bed.. and lasts until about noon the next day. CAN an oral prednisone do that... even if its a big dose? OR, is it because it was intravenious that it lasted for 24 hours? Thats something else I need to figure out.
Nykee

Nykee

1
 

Doctors Appt. Aug 06

I went to the doctors yesterday and told him about stuff..:help:   I was referred to a urologist (spell?)... but I didnt know that until the urologist called today..:eek: I thought he said an MRI was being referred.? (another one!)   He switched my viccodan for ultram, just like I asked and wanted. I got a perscription for a cream in case I ever get a rash again. I got on high blood pressure medication and that made me cry, I am surpose to be getting healthier here!:confused: I weighed 342.. its climbing.. I didnt get the results of my blood yet..   I got bitched at for my use of prednisone.. (well ya know, not really) prednione this, prednisone that...(rash, diabeties, high blood pressure) I get 5mg a friggin day.. THAT CANT be harming me.. (I save it up and use it NOT in 5ml a day, I TELL HIM exactly how I use it.. ITS STILL such a low dose!)
Nykee

Nykee

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Tiss all Good

Well I went and all is fine   I get all the care I need   It was super simple   I had a panic attack for nothing   I got a shot   I can come in whenever I need and get more Till April 11th   I was able to keep down milk and juice and some chips and cheese today.   Life is good   WHEN I am helped in my health care in such a way..   Its heaven   PLUs I am HIGH on these steroids.. NOTHING feels better than having this evergy and the power to BE YOURSELF..   I could name like 50 things that I have done that I NEVER do.. Or things done int he last 2 days that usaully take months..   But ...... THATS just a neat side affect.. I wanna mention but realize it NOT the point..   STEROIDS BAD.. I have to take a disolveable heartburn pill.. to ward off ULSER that the steroids cause..   AND have insulin..   Then after the Unfill.. ALL should be gravy again..   CANT wait..
Nykee

Nykee

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Still Open from the antinflamitories

Feb. 8th   I slept last night for a few hours and each time I woke up to go pee.. I was able to stop by the fridge and have some gupls of grape juice. Plus this morning arouns 7am when i got up, I have been able to gulp two cups of chocolate milk so far. OBVIOUSLY that Shot really really opened me up. Even before my last fill, before this fill and before my menstation.. I COULD NOT DO THAT EVER upon waking or in the middle of the night upon waking. This is a good thing, by the time it wears off, I will be off my period. (I didnt bleed all night but I had hella cramps, it should be all over by today) It has ran accross my mind that my stomach 'unswelled' SO much that my band has slipped oFF.. BUt that doesnt seem possible or realistic.. BUT its still a scare when I am sitting here able to eat.. I just know if I try to have some soup (chunky kind) It will go down. IF I dont restrcit back within this day.. I am going to be real worried. I am NOT taking any extra prednisone like he prescribed me to do when I opened up.. The shot is ENOUGH! When I tighten back up.. What I am gonna do is take the prednisone at night starting at 40 ml, (he gave me 60mg a day to take) (I already have took 20 ml plenty of times (for my back, when I have plans to go out) and it never made a difference. I will see if this helps with morning restriction.. and If it does, and the side effects arent horrible.. I will go in for another fill. I will test this for atleast a month. I DONT know though, IF my primary care doctor will support 60 miligrams a day.. OR 60 everyother day.. OR whatever dose I find is good. HE only gives me 5mg a day, but thats cuz I was over 400 pounds and I had diabeties.. MAYBE my diabeties is better (GOTTA get the lab done,) DOUBT IT. But I have lost like 70 pounds or more and HE did prescribe me more prednisone to go on my weekend date last month.. If not, maybe I can continue to get it from that Urgent care Doctor. I PROMISE to monitor my blood sugars!!!! I guess it can make you suseptible to infection. IF I do this right, I will be in control of my weight loss. Right now, thats all I can do.
Nykee

Nykee

1
 

experimenting

Feb. 10th I took 60mg last night and it worked some because I was able to take drinks of jucie all through the night every time I got up to go pee. I was able to eat a few chewy carmels so far too.. its 11:30 am. I havent tried any hot soup or milk or anything yet... (since 7am or so) All the prednisone is going to do if I take it day after day is open me up all times of the day,.. meaning at night I will eat even more than I do now. Well the point of that was to be able to get a fill.. But I think its unwise to count on the antinflamitory to keep me from being way too tight in the AM.. I dont need to be causing problems.. and it all seems like one big problem. THE Real problem is I NEED TO DIET.. I NEED to diet a little bit. I HAVE TO. I have to DO SOMETHING.. Last night I had over 3000 calories again. I MUST do something. The band has made it alot easier to diet, but I still cant seem to do it. I have cut out so much.. My habits have changed soooo much.. BUt fact is, I get in over 2500 calories like every single day.. THAT cant be worth much more weight loss for much longer.
Nykee

Nykee

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AMAZING aftercare!

February 7th   Today i woke up with the same kind of extreem restrcition that I had yesterday, but worse. Yesterday at noon I had one ounce of milk and burped and gurgles on it for hours. Today I didnt dare drink a thing, then I found I was gurgling and burping (on my saliva obviously) I got scared. I felt I should try to NIP this swelling in the BUD. It was FINE, until my period started and it should be fine after. BUT NOt if I let it swell upon swell upon swell until Its gone too far. NOW, to get a slight unfil, would only cause more swelling and I would end up losing most my fill anyway. So of course I dont want to do that. That already happened in November and I spent ALL THESE months NOT losing any weight and saving money to buy another fill. The way to NIP it in the Bud before it gets out of control... (in case I found my self choking and sliming and spitting on my own saliva, which is ABUSE of my band) Is to take antiinflamitories in huge doses. Seeings how I couldnt even sip water.. I needed it intraveniously. I went to Urgent Care and I told them my story and I got a BIG ol DOSE by needle. Now I have a prescription for HUGE doses to take at night when I am open, to see if it helps the AM swelling!! JUST WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED!!!!! I WAS SO WORRIED.. I WANTED THIS SO BAD. I though NO one would ever listen, ever care enough.. The doctor was soooooooooo Nice.. He was totally interested, he felt for my port, he asked me a ton of questions, he was very thoughrough.. and SIMPLY, I COULD TELL.. HE CARED. HE wanted me to continue to have success on this thing and he knew I lost 70 pounds (he spoke to my primary care doctor) and He saw some dehydration in my mouth (how, I dunno..I mean some dryness, Not dehydration) and Anyway.. He said COME IN ANYTIME I NEED IT intraveniously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which obviously would be when I am having problems sipping anything.. Which shouldnt be a probelm once my period goes away. I HAVE BEEN SO LUCKY with this aftercare... SO lucky not to be judged and dismissed and not listened to.. SO lucky to have such caring and compassionate doctors.. MY FILL DOCTOR is like not even an hour away.. she just told me to NEVER not come in due to lack of funds if I need a fill.. TO NOT go all those months needed a fill.. she will work with me.. SHE also said if this fill OR any fill isnt enough and I decide I want another one within a week and a half or so.. SHE WILL GIVE ME MORE, NO charge! She also said if the lady who makes the appointments says there are no openings.. TELL her I am coming ANYWAY and JUST COME>. WOW WOW OWWO My own primary care doctor is new to all this, and he is so open to learning and working with me. (he is the one who told me to go to urgent care, cuz it was easier to get the IV that way instead of at his office) He has NEVER failed me.. EVEr Now this Doctor at the Urgent care.. He didnt know much, but so willing to listen and look things up and well .. YEAH.. WOW PLUS, remember in JUNE I had to go to the ER.. cuz I had choked for hours on pills after being filled in Mexicool. and they filled my with antiinflamitories (but it was too late for that) and they used a spinal neddlle and having NEVER done a unfill on a lapband before, they all rallied around and unfilled me.. (on the phone with Ortiz to guide them) ANYWAY I FEEEEL SO AMAZINGLY CARED FOR>. :) :) :) :)
Nykee

Nykee

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BANDVERSITY

My bandversity was Feb. 14th   I weighed in today, alittle late (cuz I was being so lazy, its in another town)   AND I am 335 pounds..   THATS 80 pounds.. LOST.. in a year   I CANT beleive it.. but its all true..   My life is really happening..   I HAVE NOT weighed this little since I was in college in 94-96   THATS ten FUCKING years (this does not include yo yo dieting of course)   I AM FUCKING AMAZING.... (not really, I am SUCH a BAD banster.. I cant even imagine how much I coulda lost if I was a good badster)   I am realy motivated now to be a better bandster.. we will see..   I was hoping all along this kind of thing would transform me into someone who can Do something right with my body for once and MAYBE IT can!   I LOVE ME.. I DO. :clap2: P.s... (as if this is a small thing) He checked my blood sugar and it was 160 I asked "is that ok" (yes I am a very nieve diabeties patient) HE said "its great, i exspected alot worse frankly" This wasnt my Regualar docter, he was kinda a dick.. SO HA HA.. he had mentioned maybe giving me some insolin since the solumederal is not a good idea to give someone with high sugars. I NEVER take my metformin (THATS A secret.. I NEVER take it.. I havent like EVER took it.. I mean ever regularily and SO WHAT IF I DID?? I would BE NORMAL blood by now (under 100) I SHOULD really take it and BLOW their freaking minds!
Nykee

Nykee

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Period. "cuz I can" Reese

ITS MY PERIOD!! YEAH. I got the cramps around 10pm and just now found some pink. So... I am gonna assume its my menstral. Now, I just feel so much better about it all. I dont know for sure, but I have a feeling I can stick to some lower calorie eating for a few days now. I didnt want this Journal to be about all this crap.. BUT, I guess it will be what ever it is... Go with the flow. ............. Tonight I almost went to the coast with my daughter.. she jsut got back today, but had to go back cuz Dono forgot his wallet in her car. I was gonna ride along. But in the end chose not to go. I was debating whether to go, cuz I know it would be painfull and it was a quick trip, not for any certain kind of fun or activity, but I have been bored and it was something to do.. Plus I could stay at my friends house for the night and thats something to do too.. BUt my daughter said "cuz I can" to something I asked her and I acted like I didnt want her company..... Well, that was obviously me using that as a way to justify my social anxiety and sheer lazyness and fear of pain. All of which I HATE allowing to control me. I layed on the couch and watched Southpark all night, helping Cry with her nonexistant family tree and fighting with Ambree to do her chore. I coulda been in bed with my friend feeling all calm and relaxed knowing the ocean was nearby and feeling wonderfully small. I have a date this weekend with Reese. I AM going, no matter what. If I find a way to weasal out, I may as well give it all up and But I am nervous. I think its gonna last Saturday to Monday cuz his work schedule. Well, I will talk about this later.
Nykee

Nykee

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back to me crippled self

Being off the roids SUCKS..   I am back to crippled and tired and useless. pain pain pain, cant do nothing.   I had really hoped it was the weight loss..   Nope.
Nykee

Nykee

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Finish lapband history here.

flight and care dany glover preop.. less other ladies motel and dinner sugery day ortiz feeling specail complications home food fills
Nykee

Nykee

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Second Hope. Ultram

I learned to NEVER give up hope.   There are things in life you may not even know exist that can help you.   Recall I had come to the conclusion about a year before that I could never lose weight on my own cuz My body was in so much pain that excersize was out and life was just too hard. I couldnt do it when it was alot easier. I had NEVEr admitted defeat about anything before. I had to. Once I did it became alot easier to live with myself.   So.. It happened by acident:   I had been givin some ULTRAM (non narcotic pain pills) for my menstral pains (obgyn) and soon found my self able to be more physically mobile. I realized I was being all mobile cuz my body didnt hurt.   It was a magical day. I was sorting laundry, washing it, drying it.. as if I hadnt just spent the last year Sitting on top of it for three hours, sorting as I sat. And having the kids put the loads in.   I discovered PAIN pills, and how if your body hurts and you releive that body of hurt, it functions better.. (I swear it was like finding the meaning to life)   I could clean the house, feed the animals, park myself, check the mail, wash my hair...etc etc. I COULD ALSO get some excersize in and focus on my health not on my exhastion and blinding pain.   I HAD HOPE AGAIN.. I was alive again. I was SAVED!     NOt so fast:   My doctor was a fucking cunt from hell who I wish I could confront and humiliate to this day. (all the reasons why will NOT be covered in here)   I told her a million times in the past I had constant pain mostly in my back. NOw, I told her how the pills (prescribed by a gyno) had releived that pain and that I would like to have some more for every day please.   She laughed in my face. (OH god if you could see the faces she made!)   She said I was too "euphoric" about my new found mobility and ability to LIVE a real life. She said narcotic Pills are not prescribed to make people feel happy about their life. She said "cocain makes people feel good, should they do it?"   I told her I didnt feel high at all, I knew what high feels like, I wasnt euphoric, If I ever became euphoric I would report to her.. I was willing to start on a low dose.   I tried to get her to understand that I WANTED THE PILLS TO RELEIVE THE PAIN IN MY BACK AND BODY.. and BECAUSE that pain was releived, I was able to be my normal happy self. IT WAS NOT the drug making me happy.. SHEESH   Finally she says "there is nothing wrong with you.. your obese and your out of shape and your simply having aches and pains and if you would drink more water, excersize and take care of your self, You will feel alot better."   She said the way I referred to it as getting my life back showed that I was overly sinsitive and dramatic and extreemly emotional. She also said this is the cause of my pain. That If I had a more possitive and brighter look out on life, I wouldnt have the pain I THink I have.   (the thought of her checking my back or doing any kind of research at all to see where my pain was coming from.. was not discussed or thought of by me..I just didnt think of it. If I had I would of asked her to check me out, she should of done that nayway)   When she normally said these things, I felt belittled and I shut down. BUT nOW, MY LIFE was at stake. So I tried to show her why I knew those things werent true. I knew what pain was and how to listen to my body. I was NOT stupid!   I explained that I had left a crackwhore mom and quit a very bad life of crime and perversion and addictions.. I made a life for myself and my children from age 16, I graduated high school in the top ten, I went on to get my AA and then moved all alone to get my BA.. and I had walked through floods to get the kids to daycare, and worked any shit job i could find, I raised really good kids and I never ever left them, I have lived in my car with my kids for two weeks JUST so we didnt miss any school, and I walked 40 blocks sometimes when my car broke down to college and back rather than risk doing poorly or missing school. I told her how I excelled in every job, I was teachers aid and the next year made a preschool teacher (unheard of for a student) I then taught the incoming students on how to be with the kids and I AM the one who came up with the curriculum after taking a 500 level class..and it was used for the two years I was there. I was trained and became cetified to provide foster care to kids 12 to 21 (though I never took them up on it) The agency pratically begged me to write a proposal so they could open a much needed teen parent home.. I got on at Rape crisis and soon I had the key to the office and the pager for weeks at a time when the rule was no more than 48 hours and it was cuz I outshined and prooved myself to be better than most. Much more. I never had a man taking care of me, and no parents and didnt need friends either. My kids were in every sport, I was room mother. I did special needs child care, I organized city block garage sales, I threw parties for the college housing kids,     Those things above were VERY hard for me. I was young, alone, mom of three, poor and obese.   I told her that I bust my ass everyday, I have been for a long time. I told her that I dont feel happy unless I am exhausted and feeling my efforts and find it unsettling to lay around and relax. I told her I am not affraid of pain. I kinda thrived on it.   I told her that I go 100% almost every day and it barely covers the basics. She snorted at that.   Didnt tell her: (I have fallen, passed out and bruised myself at times because its not in me to quit, It makes me feel like shit. So i go too far. I happend to have developed a habit of self abuse. BUT its not abuse if you like it!)   I know doctors dont like it when you go on and on (protest too much) BUT I NEEDED her to stop assuming I was some obese lazy loser who didnt know anything. My degree was in psychology. I KNEW plenty.   Still she refused.. asking me "what are you doing now"   "I HAD TO QUIT SCHOOL cuz of the pain.. I can hardly manage my day"   Scoffed..           I tried one more thing..   That IF my pain wasnt really real, that the pain pills wouldnt have that affect.. and if I was depressed and lazy and unmotivated ... HOW and WHY would I suddenly start doing all the things I always did before I got the pain. I would still choose to sit around and be lazy and whine if that was true.   She said that narcotics are very powerful drugs that fool the brain and give you a high that can make you do all kinds of things..   I told her I think If that was happeneing I would like do stupid things like druggies do.. BUt I happen to do the things I did before like laundry and the yard and wash the car (things I had stopped doin)   She never really heard me and just said what she thought anyway. This was not one appointment. This was many over several months   ....     I refused to give up.   I got the ultram for my cramps once a month and thus I had some to experiment with.. I found out that I never got euphoric, that I only needed like two pills and That they did indeed make me whole again. I saved some to take to camping and BAM, I was doing ALL the camp things I used to love but had to stop cuz of pain. I prooved it to myself over and over that I was NOT lazy and depressed.   I made the mistake and told her this and she said I was misusing the pills and she was going to talk to my gyno about that.   So here is some back story on the gyno.. this doctor (the cunt) had dicked me around for almost two years.. I had extreme menstral pain and begged for help. Somehow she held me off for that long. I was never gave a pap and she was giving me depo and said I was lucky to get that cuz it did help alittle. ONE day after expelling a ruber chunk the size of a deck of cards, I refused to let her dissmiss me. She threw her hands up and said "GO TO A specialist, THATS all I can tell yOU" She was mocking me.. BUT I DID GO   The obgyn specialist, listened to me for half an hour, told me I had some problems to take care of and look into and gave me the ultram for pain. (I have had two ablations and soon to have a hysterectomy)   NOW my doctor is threatning to call the obgyn.   BUT, I had a nice conversation with the gyno about how my doctor said there were NO pills for menstral releif but anitinflamitories.. The gyno said ultram is used all the time. That I had symptoms of menstral diseases and would need a pap. She realizes I never had one in the two years and she asks me why and I said I didint know.. she explained it was highly irregular and she was shocked. I said my doctor never brought it up until she told me to see a specialist. She was nice to me and wanted to help me.   Well the obgyn left practice and I had to turn to my doctor for the pills for my period and she refused, calling them narcotics and NOT for mentral pain.   I told her that the obgyn said ultram IS for cramps (used all the time) and that she should doube check. And NOT a narcotic   She wasnt saying that she didnt want to give them to me. She was saying that THEY WERE NOT prescribed for cramps. Ummm.. Can she proove it. One of them is wrong.   So she faxed the file.. and came in laughing at me that there was NO history of me ever having ultram and that the obgyn had said I was a basket case and needed therapy to get over my fear of a pap smear. I told her I needed to schedule a pap.... and she said she didnt do them.   I learned later that basetcase was mY words, and that my doctor had told the obgyn that I had refused paps.. NO I never! I wouldnt refuse, I wasnt that bold. had she told be about them I would of had one. SHe didnt tell me. Plus I found out she DID do paps all along.   Well all I had to do is calll the obgyn offices and ask for another obgyn to look in my file and see what I was prescribed and please call it in.. It was done in 10 mimutes.. (she had lied again about not seeing it in the file, he had seen it jut fine)   She wasnt happy once I prooved it to her and she had no excuse to deny me.. It was only 15 pills. like 5 aday for 3 days..   I needed them every day.
Nykee

Nykee

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PS..

I weigh 329.. he he he..   Today it was 327.. HE HE HE
Nykee

Nykee

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My Daughters 18th Birthday Today.

Febuary 3rd.   Today I have two 18 yr olds. :nanahump:   Its my daughters birthday, she is the middle child.   My son will be 19 in Mid March.   If they werent both still at home and still completely under my wing and control, this could be a very sad day indeed as I always imagined it would be. Instead I am happy, I am really really happy.. Hummm, TAKE NOTE!:nanahump:   I have to go out now and get reservations at Applebee's and Buy 18 Roses and pick up her present at the jewlers, its an ID bracelet that has ner name on the front and 'happy 18th, love Mom' on the back.   I am proud of myself for saving the money needed to make this a special day for her. ((((hugs to self))))   NOTE: I lost 75% of my income in July and we been having HARD times. It is NOT the time to have such luxeries but the kids understand that. But, I couldnt bear to have had to jip her on this special day. There is NO way she exspects roses and a nice ID bracelet. I am very excited. I did this on my OWN too.. (the 75% income loss was a MAN and his money)     P.S. My daughter is ABSOLUTELY amazing. Just 18 and a Sophmore in college. I am so proud of her, its hard to put into words sometimes.. She was my middle child AKA the 'bad seed'.. total middle child syndrome. My whole life I had to make it up to her for being the middle child, where my oldest was the BEST son anyone could ever ask for and my youngest was the most precious little perfect babykins I ever needed.. This made her quite selfish, self centered, spoiled and a terrorizing little brat, I honestly thought was going to have major problems in life and grow up hating me and the world for not making her happy or giving her everything she thought she deserved. We werent half as close as I was to my other kids and each year it got worse instead of better. I really resigned myself to have failed this child in a way I had not my others. Why didnt she know how much I loved her, why hadnt she learned to be selfless and humble and happy like the others? This is of course all the neggative, she was far from this horrid, but this was a part of her and the part I am Soooo GLAD and AMAZED and GREATFULL to report was not permanant.. She grew up. All of a sudden, I have this perfect child who outshines the others now.. and she is proud and she is happy and she acts like this life does NOt revolve around her, but around US.. as a family.. and what we can do with our selves in this world and our fellow humans. I could go on and on about what she does, from always bringing in the mail and running erronds for all of us left and right, from having a car and insurence and a job and a responsible and safe and good social life.. NEVER EVER THINk your kids are lost forever.. IF my AShlee could come out this, ANY KID CAN! Beleive in what you taught them and what you say and show them and Of course the one thing I never ever did was stop loving her, and I DIDNT let her convince me that I had... I love her. I just cant say enough. She is my light, she is really the best thing in my life right now.. She is my everything. :nanahump:
Nykee

Nykee

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An Angel and the Crisis

Soo..   One day I am sent to a vocational doctor.. and I take the chance to run by her my proposal for ultram and how It will help me get my life back and lose weight and such,   She thinks its a GREAT idea. But she cant prescibe them due to the ins rules.   She has examined me thoughoughly.. she has talked to me and touched and checked me more at that time than my regular doctor ever did.   I tell her what my doctor has done. I cry knowing she will never give them to me.   She said, You let me take care of that, She gave me a referrall and said to take it to my doctors. It said that I was severely limited in mobility and that she reccomends me to have 6 ultram a day"   I did.. She laughed at it, like it was fake or something. GRRRRR   I got her to contact the voc doctor and she came back with a two page fax and a scowl on her face.   She was pissed.. She was out for my blood and this is what she said.   "OK.. YOu are getting what you want. I hope your happy now that you got your way"   "6 ultram a day? I DONT THINK SO... you can have 4 a day"   "you will have to come in every two weeks to pick up your prescription from this office, it cannot be called into the pharmacy" (not true, that was her rule)   "I want to see you every two weeks as well.. I want to see the look on your face"   Suddenly..   I had to come in every two weeks and weigh myself.   I HAD TO LOOSE 10 pounds a month OR ELSE I would NOT get anymore pills. I had to bring in a journal of the food I ate for the week"   "YOU think this pill will save your life and make you super women.. then proove it.. IFyour twice as active as you claim to be than the weight should fall off. "   "I need proof that this pill is working for you. I refuse to prescribe it for pain. I am prescribing it for you to lose weight. IF it fails to end in weight loss than I will not prescribe these to you ever again"   "ITs all up to you now. You wanted them, you have convinced yourself and lets see you try to convince me"   "If you keep up the loss of 10 pounds a month, I will continue to give them to you.. IF NOT.. THEY ARE GONE!"   "I dont want you to blame me either... dont come crying to me, this is your chance.. May i suggest you try the prism diet, I lost 15 pounds and it was really hard but if I can do it, you can do it"   CRAZY BITCH comparing a 130 pound women to a 350 pound one.   Needless to say... I was obsessed with loosing the weight..   I didnt care as much about loosing weight as I cared about being mobile and normal again. But I had to push hard to lose the 5 pounds every two weeks. It was so stressfull to have your life hangin in the balance contingent on weather you lose weight when you failed all your life to lose.   First month easy. She loved to make fun of my journals.   second month I was down by one pound and she let it slide. WHEW   Third month..I lost 7 pounds the first half and in the second half I was in a major car crash and couldnt walk for a week..   I didnt lose the weight and I gained 2 pounds, making my loss neggative by 6 pounds. I couldnt exersize as I had been.   She said the car crash was an excuse. (I had proof, it was bad, I was black and blue all over my stomach and legs and shoulddres)   I had lost 25 pounds in three months.. slow and steady.. And she yanked me.   I was devestated.   So.. I saught another doctor and when I did, she told them I was a drug seeker. I had refused to sign narcotic release forms and I didnt comply with perscribed care.   I had NEVEr had any pills cept ultram and I only got them twice a month and on my periods (I had only once every 2 to 3 months) I had never claimed to loose them, never asked for more. I HAD NOT DONE ANYTHIGN at all, that could possibly show drug seeking. She had NEVER asked me to sign anything. And not complying with care is NOT loosing 25 pounds in three months?   New doctors did not care about getting facts and proof, they automatically got this look and belevied her on her word. I was humiliated and felt so wronged   THEN SHe sends me a certified letter saying she is releasing me from her care becasue I got agressive with her and I treated her nursing staff rudely and I didnt comply with care. The next report used the words Abusive instead of aggressive.   I never yelled, I never left my seat, I didnt motion at her, I didnt slam a door, I didnt stomp, alll I ever did was cry and try to explain myslef. I always felt inferiour and affraid of her.. I was in no way rude to the nurses. I was always nice. They took me to weigh my self and I would chit chat about how I hoped I made the weight.   I had to go into crisis counseling after this. I was affraid of finding a doctor and I was crippled again.   NOW I am back to the WLS story.
Nykee

Nykee

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Diabeties stuff

My blood sugar on the meter thing at the doctors has been 146, 132 and 150...   I just wanted to document that!   I showed up on monday and my doctor had all this education ready for me.. and insulin. HOW much to give myself depending on how high my numbers were and HOW to do it..   But he said "nevermind" and I was GLAD.   I dont plan on EVER having to learn that CRAP!
Nykee

Nykee

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Almost there

I am all ready to get a gastric bypass with Emma patterson when I find out that I am Not going to get medicare like everyone said i was. I have to have medicade and WLS is excluded.   Well my only choice now is to self pay in mexico. I call a place and end up having so many problems on the phone that one day I get on line and just look up someone else. I dial   It was the Obesity Control center. A lady tells me all about the band. I had considered the band but decided Gb was a better idea. But now I was sold on the band. She gives me a date for less than 2 months away.   This is it.. I have a date. All my dreams are realized. FINALLY..   I become sullen. I dont want to be here.   I kinda check out. I dont research or find support or anything.   I feel guilty and wrong and pissed that I have to do this.   Hard to feel good about something that reminds you of your most extreem failures.   I loose the manditory 40 pounds pre op ... I am desperate because I just KNOW that if I dont get the band, i will not choose to be a burdon to this world anymore. I am ready to die.. Its DO or DIE   It was Feb 14th when I get on a plane for the first time.   I have a cashiers check for 9500$ (the cost of a trailer home for my family)
Nykee

Nykee

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Ymca / Bored / Valium / Low cal Day?

Feburary 4th   I got up off my ass and went to the Ymca.   I took chase and cry. We played and I worked on my arms for 15 minutes.   I sat in the Hot tub twice.   They got a treat afterwards, and I took one bite of a candy bar and I didnt go to the store for any reses or cheetos.. It was hard. I also thought about getting that spinach cheese dip from Applebees and I didnt do that either, even though we drove right by it.   I am bored. I wish I went to the coast. But i went last weekend and I have a weekend date this coming weekend.. and so I think I should of stayed home and I am BORED off my ass..   Prolly take some valium and go to bed. (at leaste my food intake will end around 1000 calories today IF I do)   I am freezing. The electric Bill was 270$ something and Heat is a thing of the past.. NOt really, but it should be! I dont know how I am going to pay these bills.   I want candy.
Nykee

Nykee

1
 

Sister

My littlest sister who I have never been very close to and lives in colorado with none of her family and must like it that way, takes a surprising interest in my WLS.   She wants to be involved and I let her. She wants to pay for self and be there for me.   She is so releived and so happy for me.   I realize that she is alot like my dad, she can love you unconditionally, not needing some kids of relationship to care about her sister who fighting for her life in such poor health, getting treatment that is considered Do or DIe. She cant think of anything more important in her life than THIS.   Me and my loved ones who live near me dont think like this. Its not like I got cancer and going in for the cure but it could kill me.. I made myself so obese that I broke my body and had to get WLS. Yeah, its a new hope.. Another chance at a life. She is so happy I have this opportunity,   I feel like I dont deserve it.. SO its hard to feel good about..   Sometimes I think maybe I should of just died...   My sister thinks thats the stupidest thing she ever heard. She doesnt know.. She hasnt had to live with me in her life. She cant undertand how my kids or our other sister or I...could be so lax about it..   We are tired, we are affraid, we only know failure and trust nothing. No one wants to feel any kind of real hope cuz one more lost hope and we know its all over for me. No, NO one would say they dont care if I died.. But they all understand why I feel that way. Everyone will be alot better off without me being a burdon for the next 40 years. No one will ever leave me, they have too much loyalty..   ................   Well, I want my middle sister, or my cousin or my older daughter to go with me. They are the ones who I am most close to. Who know how to take care of me, who I feel safe with and get along with and comfortable and understand eachother..   My middle sister act like she dont care, my cousin has no money and my daughter shouldnt have to do this for me.   I am affraid of Mary seeing how pathetic I am, I am affraid she wont helo me right, I am worried I will embarrass her.. What if she totally regrets it?   I am right and she doesnt know how much help I need. I know its almost impossible to know unless you are familiar with the person. Once I asked her to help me up off the curb, the next time I did it myself and she said "see, you can do it"   Like its that simple. See, she doesn know me, she thinks I would ask for help off a curb just for fun.. LOLOLOLOO never.   She said "oh it cant be that bad" when it felt like hippos were dancing on my chest..   She didnt come to the hospital much but I didnt need her to.. But I know the others wouldnt have left if I begged them to.   I am glad she came. She is who I would choose over anyone now.   My middle sister would of been irritable and grumpy and I would of felt guilty for it. My cousin would of been a total dumb ass and it would of drove me bonkers trying to take care of her. My daughter would of been scared and lost about what was what.   THANK YOU to my littlest sister.. For being like dad and not like us.
Nykee

Nykee

1
 

Am to PM/ Shot /prednisone

I took the 40mg of antiinflitories last night and either it wasnt enough or It wore off.,.   The shot they gave me lasted 24 hours..!!!   Tonight I will take the 60mg he reccomended.   I dont like the idea of taking all this pill form prednisone.. I dont know why I think the shot is any different.. But it just seems that way.   I only take these amounts of prednisone when I have a few days of something very physical to do like go camping or go to a family gettogether or go on a date.   I have been told that prednisone makes ya really irritable and well I have starteded to notice how I feel irritable after I get home from my bouts of prednisone and the extra physical activity.. BUt I dont care, I rather of had a goood time where I was able to walk and be physical then not do it just to be less grumpy later.   So, taking that much DAILY.. just to decrease AM restrcition just dont seem like a good idea.   YET, if I dont find a way to be less restricted in the AM, THAN I cant find a way to be MORE restrcited in the PM.. (so needed)   I am going to look up what the shot was exactly.. it wasnt called prednisone.. see what it is..   Plus that shot opened me up WAY WAY too much and lasted 25 hours.. I mean I was able to eat a whole slice of pizza and gulp it down with like 3 cups of milk.. THAT is completely TOO loose of course.. So I need to ask them what Milligrams they gave me and remember thats too much.. AND see what those millagrams are compared to what the 60ml of prednisone is..   THERE MUST BE A WAY to fix this!
Nykee

Nykee

1
 

Tightend up! Drama and Happiness

I TIGHTENED BACK UP   YEAH, WHEW..   LOL   I tried to have some chicken fajita soup and it was apparent my wide openess is gone..   I will take 40mg of the prednisone tonight and see if it helps with morning restriction.   I cant wait..   THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR for months and months. A way to level out my band restrcition!   HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :clap2:   Some Drama today.. made me feel low for a little while.. BUT I feel great now due to much support. I had to post my past eating habits and that SUCKED. I dont like to remember that crap. BUT IT REALLY HELPED. I fEEL better about myself instead of like crap. BUT its STIll time to GET IT IN GEAR TURKEY!       I WENT TO THE YMCA TODAY   FEB. 8th
Nykee

Nykee

1
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