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48 Hours to Go?Oh, and I liked Wolverine too?

I am a little over 48 hours away from getting the band. I am intellectually resolved to this course of action, but I am amazed at how difficult ignoring all of the other emotional issues continues to be. Every time I read the new postings, there is a sea of conflicting experiences that assaults your mind and emotions. In no way do I begrudge others posting, venting and seeking help for issues, many of which I may also post and seek help for myself, but it does require work and some conviction to wade through these posts to derive a clear picture of the trade-offs, filter the fears, and sift out the relevant data. (this comment will probably get me some flame mail, but it has been one to the challenges in making a final decision)   For me, losing the first fifty pounds has always been relatively easy, part of being a guy I guess. The next 100+ lbs, are the real challenge and the reason that I am getting the band. Since I started the liquid pre-op diet I am down about 40 pounds, which feels great, but it is a can cause significant delusions about not needing the surgery. However, this week provided me with some ample examples as to why I need to proceed. Starting with my trip to Europe last week, 12 hours is a coach seat is an excellent reminder. Second, I took my “official” pre-ops pictures today, which is another telling data point that I still need the surgery. I took the pictures, with and without shirt (I will spare you the Chewbacca shots) and it was a good motivator as to why I am doing this. Like many here, I will do a new set every 30 days to track and log the progress.   My company is going through a major event, an attempted hostile take over, and I almost put off the surgery planned for this week. In the end, my wife pointed out that there will always be something at work that is important and every time I put off personal items for work, in the end, it does not really matter. So I will move forward and begin my new life.   Oh, by the way…I liked the new Wolverine movie. My wife wants a few hours alone with Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds.
Cingulus

Cingulus

1
 

No 30 Day Chip for Me?Expunging the Guilt

As part of most 12 step programs you get a chip once you have been clean for 30 days. I am not getting a virtual Lapband chip this month. As part of my pre-op diet with the doctor I am supposed to do protein drinks during the day and 6-8 oz of chicken/fish for dinner. I have been following program (15 days down, 15 to go) until tonight. I did not go crazy, I ate to much chicken, some fat free cottage cheese, three scoops of peanut butter and non-fat chocolate frozen yogurt. It was one of the moments of weakness, we have all had. As I sit here I wonder what would have happened if I had had the band already. Without a doubt, my future Lapband would have provided me with a visceral and direct warning of the folly of gluttony. Apparently, I still have lots of work to do. Alas, tomorrow is a new day to make better choices and start working towards that first 30 day chip.
Cingulus

Cingulus

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As they said in the Blues Brothers..."Were on a Mission..."

Elwood: It’s a 106 miles to Chicago…We have half a tank of gas…It’s dark and we are where sun glasses…   Jake: Hit it.   Just got back from the doctors and after a few hours of forms, rapid fire questions, poking, prodding and credit card charges we are moving forward. I weighted it at 373 lbs. with a 56.8 BMI and lean body mass of 206 lbs. This gives me a target weight of 240 based on a 20 BMI. So next steps are:   1. Read the patients manual   2. EKG and blood work the week of March 30, 2009   3. Lose 20 Lbs before the surgery date   4. Pre-op meetings and registration on April 21st   5. Surgery Date May 6th   The shrink questions were a predictable combination of pabulum, inane drivel and obvious traps. I am not, really, sure what they were looking for in this process. All of that aside, I liked the Doc and we are on track to complete the mission. He suggested starting a pre-liquid diet for the next few weeks on protein drinks for breakfast and lunch with small dinner of protein and a salad. Then move to the full liquid diet two weeks in advance. I was surprised to find out one of the key reasons for the liquid diet before the surgery was to shrink the liver, which provides more working room during the surgery itself. So, tomorrow is the beginning of my mission to hit the target weight of 240 lbs.
Cingulus

Cingulus

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The Day after Making the Right Choice

So I was driving to the gym last night, fighting my mental battle between I had done enough exercise this week and keeping to the rules of 30 minutes every day. Despite trying to rationalize my way out of going to the gym, I grudgingly kept moving towards the gym. It was not a bad workout, and I got through it. It was one of the many thousands of “right choices” that have to be made to be successful with the Lapband journey successful. I was able to weight in this week with a nice weight loss and it should be enough to meet my pre-op requirement. It was one of those proof-points that illustrates if you can make the right choices you can get the right results. I know there is very long road ahead, but this is one of the little victories that help fire the motivation along the way.
Cingulus

Cingulus

2
 

Cash, Cathartics and Compensation

Hello, As noted before, I will have to self pay for the LB. I had been trying to figure out what combination of funds to jungle to make this happen and we figured that out last night. I find myself wanting to go in now and get this thing moving. I want to start and keep my motivation high. Second, despite not feeling the feeling a loss for foods I won’t be eating going forward I seem to be doing a final rush of eating in anticipation of the stringent changes to occur. The competitive side of me wants to peak my pre-op weight to set a “bigger loss” number. Intellectually, I recognize this behavior as childish and detrimental, but I have been thinking that way. In a twisted way, part of it is my competitive nature and part of it is the self destructive tendencies that got me in this whole in the first place. Go figure… Third, I think reading and car modification will become my new rewards system to celebrate vs. meals. That’s all for today.
Cingulus

Cingulus

1
 

A Red Sox Fan is excited about Yankee Stadium?

So every job has its pros and cons. One of the pros of my job is we hold customer events as some cool locations. Although I am a lifelong Red Sox fan, I am on my way to the New Yankee stadium. We are holding a one day customer conference and then taking in a game. No not the Sox :w00t:.   I have been fortunate to spend 3-4 weeks are traveling in the city for various tradeshows and events. It has also let me sample some of the best restaurants in the city. However, I am I thinking about the powdered protein drinks (Labrada, Chocolate Ice Cream Flavor…Yes, they are good) I have in my suit case. I need to land soon and get a drink in me so I don’t get to hungry.   My first weight in was March 27th and I was 373. Due to my extended delays (I have had to move my surgery date from May 6th to June 8th and now June 29th). I have had an extended period of pre-op dieting. I have been able to reduce my weight by48 lbs to 325. I feel good with the progress, but I am not satisfied. I have another 128 to go. As I fly towards my date with the “Bronx Bombers” I am conjuring images of how I want things to be next summer when I go to the ball park. I want to be one of the guys at the ball park with my shirt off, soaking up the sun (with a good SPF 30). Like many people here I have been that guy/girl to be comfortable with skin exposed in a public setting. Most who have read my blogs and looked at my pictures know I am not a shy or retiring person. I have always done what I wanted regardless of my size, but I want to get to the point I do it because of my weight. I look forward to seeing you all at the ballpark next year showing some skin and being proud of whom you are and what you have accomplished.
Cingulus

Cingulus

1
 

Changing the Final Goal from 240 vs. 197Lbs

In one of my earlier blogs, I had set a target goal of 240 lbs, and later I changed it 197lbs. My wife asked me why I had made the change. The answer if both simple and complicated at the same time…From a logical engineering point of view I looked at my lean body mass measurement (206 lbs) and added 15% to that picked 240 as a target. Then as I thought about the likely fact that my lean body will probably drop, I began to rethink the target and changed my expectations to about 200lbs and those are the data driven reasons behind the change. Second, I thought about some of my historical, desired and emotional targets and remembered that 197lbs was my high school wrestling weight and since that was a) close to my technical target :tounge_smile: it would break 200lbs and get me into “onederland”…it seems like a good thing to shoot for. The other thing I was thinking about benchmarks of weight for my height, build and desired configuration. I am 5’ 8” tall and have always, even while being fat, been an avid weight lifter so I am not going to be scrawny guy. The best target analog I could come up with was an NFL running back. Most of them are 5’ 7” – 6’ 0” and weight between 190 and 230 lbs. Finally, as a really big stretch goal (and some PS will probably e required) was to look at my all-time favorite body—Frank Zane. Frank Zane was not the biggest, but he had tremendous symmetry, balance and grace. So here are my key targets for the journey:   • 1. Break 300 (I have not been under 300 since 1992)   • 2. Break 271 (The highest weight I weighed when I fought competitively)   • 3. Break 225 (Average NFL running back weight at 5'10")   • 4. Break 197 (My high school wrestling weight)   • 5. Hit 174 (Frank Zane's weight when he won the 1977 Mr. Olympia)  
Cingulus

Cingulus

1
 

Negotiations and Love Songs

Paul Simon’s, aptly names anthology of solo hits is called “Negotiations and Love Songs.” He does a great job of capturing the often bizarre and illogical discussions and negotiations we have with ourselves. I think he has done a better job than most in capturing the 5 Stages of the Mourning (Denial, Sadness, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance). Well…last night I found myself locked in a mortal battle of wills with Denial.   Obviously, I have spent years denying that I had a real problem and that I could overcome it with “will power” or the other great line “…I’ll just stop eating…” I have a friend, that is a recovered alcoholic, and he always said giving up booze was easier than food. Because, you CAN just stop drinking, stopping food eventually kills you… he always said that recovery rate would be zero, if every AA member had to take three shots a day, but was still required to stop all other drinking.   So how did Denial sink it’s claws into me? I have been doing much better than I thought I would with the liquid diet, and the Queen of Denial was whispering to me last night…If you have done this good so far, just keep it up, skip the surgery and save the money…maybe your will power will hold out this time…ARRRRGGHHH. Denial is one seductive bitch! So how do you combat Denial? I use the mirror test.   I taped a picture of me from high school/college times (about 190LBS), and one of a friend of mine who has the look I want when I get to the other side, then I stand naked in front of the mirror and ask myself do I look like the picture? Obviously the answer is No. Denial, I abjure you, I reject you and I will overcome you. The sweet siren song of Denial will not lead me to the rocky shores to find myself, again wrecked and wondering how it all went wrong. I know the Lapband is only a tool, but, it is also a weapon in a lifelong battle that I will win this time.
Cingulus

Cingulus

1
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