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Blog 61341

A blog by Cingulus

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Fuzzy Wuzzy was a Bear?

So I will warn the ladies this is guys blog…I came across a real unexpected side effect of the LB surgery…the hair grows back. I can hear the collective “EEEEEWWWWWHHHH!” from the ladies, but I am hairy like a Wookie. Chewbacca could be my long lost brother. I new they would have to shave me for the operation, but it forgot how much it would itch growing back and the damn stuff is poking through the clear bandages like grass growing through concrete. Of course I can’t itch it very much and it is driving me crazy. I am sure my wife, who read these blogs as well, will be laughing and telling me this is what my beard feels like when it is cut to short and it is rubbed against her. So how does a bear itch in the woods…very carefully …with a fine grain emery board. Yes, this proven manicurist tool is the right tool for the job. It provides relief and does not seem to affect the bandage device. Bowling for Soup has a great line in one of their new songs. “Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear/Fuzzy Wuzzy had to much hair/so Fuzzy wasn’t fuzzy…was he?”

February 3, 2010

2

The Waiting is the Hardest Part?

In the immortal words of Tom Petty, “the Waaaaaiiiting is the hardest part.” I know that I am only 5 days post-op. I don’t want to wait for day 365. I know I will do the work and follow the right diet. I just want that year to be over so we get to those highly desired AFTER photos. I had really thought that going back to work would distract me and help me let time slide by, but alas that is not the case. I am neurotically thinking about the band and getting to the gym. Today was my first day back at work and the first thing I found out…my port is at just the right high to hit my desk. I found a new chair just one extra inch higher and that was enough…you have no idea how hard it is for me not make off-color jokes here…no men never really grow up. OK back on topic. I am fortunate that I can keep a small refrigerator in my office and it is stocked with new protein drinks…I went back to MuscleMilk, Optifast SUCKS! I have plenty of Jell-O cups and some Isopure drinks. Since I am posting this blog during my thrilling staff meeting today, I guess that confirms my distraction level. I can now confirm that the process is not that bad, but the waiting is truly the hardest part.

February 1, 2010

3

Perspective is a Wonderful Thing. Help Yourself to Some?

As a write this my son (Navy), my brother-in-law (Army) and nephew (Navy)…two of whom are in Iraq and Afghanistan serve with the global forces deployed in harms way. I cannot really imagine what their days are like…and I have a very vivid imagination. My brother-in-law is due to come home after a second tour shortly, assuming they don’t decide to keep him longer again…which they have done twice. As I was annoyed that I am having some post-op nausea and gas, I thought about what their days must be like in some of the most difficult places in the world. Needless to say, I was a bit ashamed of myself. However, I must say thank god for sugar free Jell-O…but I digress. The band if tough there is not free ride, but our time in bandster hell is a pittance compared to what our forces across the world face, or the horror going on in Hatti today. As I thought about this, I hope we can all keep some perspective on what is going on across the world, not just our individual part of it. Sometimes folks find despair in the limits of their success with the band, but it is not the only important thing in life or the world. I am not saying we should not vent and look for help and support from the folks here on the LBT forums. Just remember that our struggles with the band, plateaus in weight loss and side effects are real problems, but they are eminently solvable, by just little-old-us. Many of our family and friends are fighting bigger fights, and solving bigger problems. If you and I focus on that then we can make the band work and understand that perspective is as wonderful a tool for our problems and the band is for waistlines. So perspective is free, and can be customized by everyone as a vital resource in the band journey…so help yourself to all you want.

January 31, 2010

2

The Deed is Done?Don?t Let the Villain Rise Again

So the deed is done, i have the band and this story will not end like most bad blockbuster movies with the heroes having triumphed and the villain has slithering away to return in the squeal do next summer. Screw That! After getting banded I have no interest in seeing the weight-loss sequel. I just want the pounds-I-have-to-lose villain dead. One of the things I loved about the movie “Taken” is the Liam Neeson’s character does not try to be to be heroic. He is simply on a mission to find his daughter and take her home. He systematically finds the next bad guy, beat the crap out of him for the information he needs, then kills them so they can’t come back to haunt him. In the final scene, he does not taunt and gloat over the villain giving them a chance to cleverly get away. He simply shoots the ultimate villain and takes his daughter home. Now that I have the band, that is my plan for the pounds I have to lose and they are the villain. I plan on killing them cleanly and quickly with little fuss and no parades. Yes, my testosterone is talking, but I am a guy…deal with it. I am three days post op and went to the gym, did 30 minutes on the elliptical and I am hunting down those evil pounds like they have my daughter and I her want it back. My 26th anniversary is coming up and my wife asked me today if I wanted anything special. I told her no. My mission right now is to kill those villainous pounds and stay focused on the target. Those who have read some of my past blogs know I can be a bit over the top…and I am. However, that does not change my conviction and mission to make a great movie about losing weight , the villain will die at the end and there will be no sequel.

January 31, 2010

5

I Will Not Go Quietly Into Bandster Hell

We all know that the proper expectations with the band is to take things slow…have no weight loss expectations before the first fill and then expect slow, constant weight loss when we hit the “sweet spot.” My reaction to this sensible and well support council is a defiant NO! I am fully aware that this is a long term process, but I intend to accelerate it along as quickly as possible. I am not going to go through this process and personal costs (I am self pay) and not fight this battle as hard as I can with every weapon at my disposal. I am only speaking for myself, but I will not accept that I have to wait months to make progress after surgery. If I can make through almost 3 months of pre-op dieting then, I can make it through “Bandster Hell” bring on the devil, I will vanquish him with faith, determination and a single minded purpose. Yes, these are big words from a guy who has failed in the past, but I cannot and will not fail this time. I know it is easy for me to say this as a pre-op bandster…who has not been sitting up at midnight drinking broth that is not helping the hunger. However, we all know this measure of hellish circumstances is temporary and the empirical evidence supports that it can be overcome and this phase of the bandster cycle and have the success we all seek and need in our lives. OK off my self help soap box :w00t:

June 2, 2009

6

A Red Sox Fan is excited about Yankee Stadium?

So every job has its pros and cons. One of the pros of my job is we hold customer events as some cool locations. Although I am a lifelong Red Sox fan, I am on my way to the New Yankee stadium. We are holding a one day customer conference and then taking in a game. No not the Sox :w00t:. I have been fortunate to spend 3-4 weeks are traveling in the city for various tradeshows and events. It has also let me sample some of the best restaurants in the city. However, I am I thinking about the powdered protein drinks (Labrada, Chocolate Ice Cream Flavor…Yes, they are good) I have in my suit case. I need to land soon and get a drink in me so I don’t get to hungry. My first weight in was March 27th and I was 373. Due to my extended delays (I have had to move my surgery date from May 6th to June 8th and now June 29th). I have had an extended period of pre-op dieting. I have been able to reduce my weight by48 lbs to 325. I feel good with the progress, but I am not satisfied. I have another 128 to go. As I fly towards my date with the “Bronx Bombers” I am conjuring images of how I want things to be next summer when I go to the ball park. I want to be one of the guys at the ball park with my shirt off, soaking up the sun (with a good SPF 30). Like many people here I have been that guy/girl to be comfortable with skin exposed in a public setting. Most who have read my blogs and looked at my pictures know I am not a shy or retiring person. I have always done what I wanted regardless of my size, but I want to get to the point I do it because of my weight. I look forward to seeing you all at the ballpark next year showing some skin and being proud of whom you are and what you have accomplished.

June 2, 2009

1

Through the Looking Glass?My Metal Images

So I work is screwing with me again and I had to cancel my pre-op. I should be able to reschedule and still make June 8th. I am very happy with my pre-op weight loss (43 lbs.), I feel great and being focused on surgery prep has really helped me keep my weight in line. The funny thing is I fell kind of scrawny right now…I know that is not the case…and the picture below validates this. I am sitting on the couch with a guy about my height and about half my weight (I am 330 right now). It is a great trip through the looking glass and how distorted our self image can be, and then become if you have success with the band.

May 26, 2009

2

I Have Met The Enemy and...

I am off for a short trip to San Francisco. As I was driving to the airport, I was thinking to myself...ok I can stop by the Admirals Club, they have great chocolate chip cookies, have nice snack...get some email done... Oh Shit my mind is screwing with me again, DAMN! As my rational side took over again, I thought to myself, this is the real battle of the Lapband. We all know mind-hunger is the great trickster. Why is our own mind our greatest enemy? I now find myself moving beyond rationalization to confrontation. Before deciding on the Lapband my mental efforts were focused on justifying why my food consumption was OK...it was not that bad...I can make up for it by eating better tomorrow...I had a really stressful day...it is not fair that I am fat and others who eat the same or more are skinny...and the list can go on. Now, I find myself in mortal combat with my own mental demons, saying...ok you bastards stop trying to trick me into bad choices...who's side are you on anyway...I will not listen to the voices in my head...not this time, byte me, you SOB. (I cleaned up the language to protect the innocent, my internal discussion really sound like a George Carlin on one of his more colorful rants.) The few people I have told about the Lapband have asked me why I think it will work, or why this diet will be different (I know it is not a diet, but I just smile and move on), I do believe it is the mental shift from justification to confrontation that is my secret weapon. Because, in the end it is our ability to manage choices, change innate and ingrained behaviors that will enable our success with the band. It is also why I was not really upset about my banding date being pushed out. I have begun to view this battle like a great game of chess, if you are not thinking 3-5 moves ahead, you will lose. Bobby Fischer was famous for sacrificing his queen, and other odd behaviors, to set up elaborate traps for his opponents. I find myself thinking, or at least trying to think like Bobby Fischer, trying to anticipate how my demented mind will use seductive traps next, how I can repel those attacks and finally trap those demons into dead end moves. It is a laborious process, but it helps me know the enemy and defeat those demons without defeating myself.

May 8, 2009

1

The Opportunity of Being Delayed, Determined?but not Disappointed

For a variety of work related issues my banding has been moved out about 30 days from May 6th to June 8th. First, I would like to thank folks who have expressed their support. Second, I am somewhat relieved, odd as that might sound. I have been making good progress on losing weight with the pre-op liquids and kind of want to keep it going. I have been able to hit the gym almost every day and figure the better my physical condition before the surgery, the more likely it will be successful and the easier recovery will be. Third, my delay was related to some one time external events that can’t really be controlled. Given some of the horror stories I heard about insurance hassles and lack of family support I have read about, this is a minor compared to other trials. I don’t mean to get all “Tony Robbins” on people, but, determination is at the core of the LB lifestyle change. You have to be determined to make the changes, eat appropriately and exercise…especially exercise. Despite the delay, I look at this as a way to test my determination and resolve before is shelling out $16K. If I can’t handle a 30 day delay, how will I handle a full life time of change? This is a great opportunity prove to myself and those I love, that this is a real change, not a transient trend that goes away at the first obstacle. I am not disappointed, I am actually grateful for the opportunity to keep demonstrating that I can exhibit the properly modified mindset for LapBand success (Yes, I am ignoring the possibility of failure. As they said in Apollo 13…”failure is not an option…”).

May 5, 2009

3

48 Hours to Go?Oh, and I liked Wolverine too?

I am a little over 48 hours away from getting the band. I am intellectually resolved to this course of action, but I am amazed at how difficult ignoring all of the other emotional issues continues to be. Every time I read the new postings, there is a sea of conflicting experiences that assaults your mind and emotions. In no way do I begrudge others posting, venting and seeking help for issues, many of which I may also post and seek help for myself, but it does require work and some conviction to wade through these posts to derive a clear picture of the trade-offs, filter the fears, and sift out the relevant data. (this comment will probably get me some flame mail, but it has been one to the challenges in making a final decision) For me, losing the first fifty pounds has always been relatively easy, part of being a guy I guess. The next 100+ lbs, are the real challenge and the reason that I am getting the band. Since I started the liquid pre-op diet I am down about 40 pounds, which feels great, but it is a can cause significant delusions about not needing the surgery. However, this week provided me with some ample examples as to why I need to proceed. Starting with my trip to Europe last week, 12 hours is a coach seat is an excellent reminder. Second, I took my “official” pre-ops pictures today, which is another telling data point that I still need the surgery. I took the pictures, with and without shirt (I will spare you the Chewbacca shots) and it was a good motivator as to why I am doing this. Like many here, I will do a new set every 30 days to track and log the progress. My company is going through a major event, an attempted hostile take over, and I almost put off the surgery planned for this week. In the end, my wife pointed out that there will always be something at work that is important and every time I put off personal items for work, in the end, it does not really matter. So I will move forward and begin my new life. Oh, by the way…I liked the new Wolverine movie. My wife wants a few hours alone with Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds.

May 3, 2009

1

Changing the Final Goal from 240 vs. 197Lbs

In one of my earlier blogs, I had set a target goal of 240 lbs, and later I changed it 197lbs. My wife asked me why I had made the change. The answer if both simple and complicated at the same time…From a logical engineering point of view I looked at my lean body mass measurement (206 lbs) and added 15% to that picked 240 as a target. Then as I thought about the likely fact that my lean body will probably drop, I began to rethink the target and changed my expectations to about 200lbs and those are the data driven reasons behind the change. Second, I thought about some of my historical, desired and emotional targets and remembered that 197lbs was my high school wrestling weight and since that was a) close to my technical target :tounge_smile: it would break 200lbs and get me into “onederland”…it seems like a good thing to shoot for. The other thing I was thinking about benchmarks of weight for my height, build and desired configuration. I am 5’ 8” tall and have always, even while being fat, been an avid weight lifter so I am not going to be scrawny guy. The best target analog I could come up with was an NFL running back. Most of them are 5’ 7” – 6’ 0” and weight between 190 and 230 lbs. Finally, as a really big stretch goal (and some PS will probably e required) was to look at my all-time favorite body—Frank Zane. Frank Zane was not the biggest, but he had tremendous symmetry, balance and grace. So here are my key targets for the journey: • 1. Break 300 (I have not been under 300 since 1992) • 2. Break 271 (The highest weight I weighed when I fought competitively) • 3. Break 225 (Average NFL running back weight at 5'10") • 4. Break 197 (My high school wrestling weight) • 5. Hit 174 (Frank Zane's weight when he won the 1977 Mr. Olympia)

April 22, 2009

1

I Funny Thing Happened on the Way to The Doctors

So I got up this morning expecting to go Dr. Oliak’s office for my pre-op day and shit happened. I got a call from my PR firm says that my company had just received an unsolicited take-over bid. As you can imagine we had a firestorm of activity and communications work that have to be done with industry and financial analyst, customers and partners. Since, I run the outbound marketing group; needless to say, I had to make a change of plans and go to work instead. I called the Dr.’s office thinking my surgery date would get pushed out; fortunately they moved my pre-op day to May 5th, the day before my surgery. Today is a great example of learning to roll with the punches and taking life on its own terms. You never really know when life will change direction on you. Regardless of whether this acquisition deal goes down or not is not really material. What is amazing is how many meetings and actions seemed vital last night, got dismissed as irrelevant today. I think this is a great perspective check. You have to ask yourself what is really important and how is just activity to fill the void.

April 21, 2009

3

Give me the Juice Baby?Seeking the Right Energy Drink Replacement

OK…let me dispense with the rationalization. I understand the many pros, cons, limitation and issues with caffeine. I am will to submit to vast majority of good ole’ common sense items with being banded, but I want my caffeine fix…I don’t drink coffee, tea lacks the punch and banders can’t really deal with carbonation which kills Red Bull, RockStar and almost all the other energy drinks. So how to get my legal dose a speed when required. I have started using 5 hour energy shots and they seem to fill the gap, non carbonated, only 4 calories and plenty of kick. The site below review over 300 energy drinks :tounge_smile: http://energy-drink-ratings.blogspot.com/2008/03/extra-strength-5-hour-energy-drink.html Any other thoughts out there on band friendly energy products…that will not land me in a Turkish prison.

April 20, 2009

2

Frozen Yogurt?Essential or Evil

I have not seen much posted about non-fat frozen yogurt? Which I must confess, I find somewhat surprising...so it has led me to ask. Is there some inherent evil associated with this diet friendly treat and the Lapband? An inquiring mind wants to know… I am planning on it being part of my post-op repertoire…or so I think? Second, it may just be my imagination, but it seems (no scientific data), that many of the newer banders are struggling with post-op weight gain and slow starts. While a few fortunate souls are making rapid progress, again the individual variable strikes…no two banders are the same. No real point to make…just an observation. Other than that it was a good gym day and we went to the Long Beach Grand Prix and got to meet Danica Patrick. Yes, she is as adorable in person. I am sorry to report, that they had the good corners of the drifting competition reserved for the VIP seats. The events held at Irwindale Speedway are much better, the venue is easier to get to and the layout is more crowd friendly. I everyone had a good weekend.

April 19, 2009

2

A Blog?About Nothing

Jerry Seinfeld was quoted as saying that “Seinfeld” was a show about nothing…as it turns out so is this blog…here is a random potpourri trivial items from my week. Once a quarter we have our sales force in for training, account reviews and our quarterly executive business reviews. It is a complete blitzkrieg all week long, of never ending string of meetings and creating PowerPoint for meetings, hence, my lack of blogs this week. I did get stuck having to eat a meal during the day vs. my protein drink…my reflexes got the better of me. My boss asked me to go to lunch and I was out the door before I grabbed a SlimFast. I had a bowl of turkey chili, so I did not fall to far off the wagon. I was so beat when I left yesterday I had to take one of those “5 hour” energy shots to drive home. My commute is over a very twisting section of road (Highway 74, the Ortega Highway, that links Orange and Riverside counties in CA.) and you don’t want to be sleepy when you drive over it. I had been looking for a caffeine fix since I can’t drink zero carb RockStar anymore…and I don’t like coffee...these handy 2 oz. shots of have become my new pick-me-up. The good news is I did managed to get to the gym Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, but Thursday and Friday did not happen. It is also good to report that, I got to sleep in this morning, do my weekly weigh in (dropped 5 pounds), went to the gym and then to the movies. We went to see “State of Play” with Russell Crow…Good Flick. Tomorrow, my son and I are off to see the finals of the Formula D team drift competition in Long Beach. Lots of horsepower, car show models and smoking rubber…it should be fun…http://www.formulad.com/. So much for my random musings…have a good week end folks.

April 18, 2009

1

No 30 Day Chip for Me?Expunging the Guilt

As part of most 12 step programs you get a chip once you have been clean for 30 days. I am not getting a virtual Lapband chip this month. As part of my pre-op diet with the doctor I am supposed to do protein drinks during the day and 6-8 oz of chicken/fish for dinner. I have been following program (15 days down, 15 to go) until tonight. I did not go crazy, I ate to much chicken, some fat free cottage cheese, three scoops of peanut butter and non-fat chocolate frozen yogurt. It was one of the moments of weakness, we have all had. As I sit here I wonder what would have happened if I had had the band already. Without a doubt, my future Lapband would have provided me with a visceral and direct warning of the folly of gluttony. Apparently, I still have lots of work to do. Alas, tomorrow is a new day to make better choices and start working towards that first 30 day chip.

April 13, 2009

2

The Day after Making the Right Choice

So I was driving to the gym last night, fighting my mental battle between I had done enough exercise this week and keeping to the rules of 30 minutes every day. Despite trying to rationalize my way out of going to the gym, I grudgingly kept moving towards the gym. It was not a bad workout, and I got through it. It was one of the many thousands of “right choices” that have to be made to be successful with the Lapband journey successful. I was able to weight in this week with a nice weight loss and it should be enough to meet my pre-op requirement. It was one of those proof-points that illustrates if you can make the right choices you can get the right results. I know there is very long road ahead, but this is one of the little victories that help fire the motivation along the way.

April 11, 2009

2

What Bob Marley taught me about the LapBand

I was listening to Bob at the gym last night and as I felt the ocean breeze cover my mind. I found his music talking to me and here is what it said to me: 1. Jamming – Just keep jamming at any goal, it is hill that is climbed one step at a time. 2. Waiting in Vain – Waiting for some else to fix things is a vain hope. Lab bands give us a plan. 3. Get Up, Stand Up – Getting up, standing up and not giving up the fight is the only way to do this. 4. Satisfy my Soul – I need this to satisfy my soul and move forward in life. 5. I Shot the Sherriff – I going to shoot my old self and release myself from jail. 6. Redemption Songs – I am looking for redemption from my body for years of abuse, knees please forgive me. What Bob Marley songs speak to you?

April 10, 2009

2

I Bet $16,000 on 30...

So the number 30 is looming large in my mind today: • 30 Bites – Chew, Baby Chew…this is going to be one of the biggest items for me. I am sure if I don’t , the Lapband will let me know. I just worry about forgetting to eat slow and swallowing to soon. • 30 Sets –of weights for my muscle workout days across 3 body parts per/day. Gotta, keep up the Vin Diesel look. :wub: • 30 Minutes – or more of cardio everyday seems to be the biggest key to success factor after eating right. Based on what I have read, this is seems to be what separates those who succeed with the Lapband from those who struggle. • 30 Hours – to get the surgery done, get some sleep and start recovery. Walking, stationary bike and good broth. I can’t wait… • 30 Days - until my surgery occurs, I have been making good progress on dropping the required twenty pounds for my banding. All I can say is…Shrink Liver…Shrink Damn YOU! • 30 Weeks – Needed to drop 100 pounds and reach my first major goal of returning to my MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighting weight 271 Lbs, then another 30 weeks to reach my second goal of 197lbs my wrestling weight. • 30 Years – Time to make up for 30 years of eating sins, caloric substance abuse and psychological games. I was 15 the last time I had my weight where I wanted it. 30 is my new favorite number…I think it is time to go to Vegas and find a roulette wheel.

April 7, 2009

2

A Knights Tale

One of my all time favorite movies is “A Knight’s Tale.” In one of the key scenes, William, our intrepid hero; played by the late Heath Ledger, is told by his father “a man can change his stars, and make a new and better life.” It is that spirit that surrounds this Lapband community. So for those of you who have people who doubt, alienate or deride you for “taking the easy way out”…stand true. You have chosen to “change your stars” and it can be a lonely road. However, truth be told, it was always destined to be a bit lonely because only you can make those changes. So take heart…there is a place where others understand, and you can find new strength and renew your purpose. I struggled with this choice for many years, my wife and mother both encouraged me to look at Lapbanding. I have found tremendous help and hope in the many pages of this forum. For those of you struggling with this choice remember “it is better to do the hard right thing vs. the easy wrong thing.” For many, life’s journey has brought us here and offered us new way to “change our stars.” Often we have to do things that others will never comprehend, if you know this is the right thing to do for you and those you love…persevere. Then, take the road less traveled, be true to what you know is right, love and forgive the detractors for they are sorely misguided and follow your true knight’s heart forward in the face of all adversaries.

April 9, 2009

1

Lapband Decathlon

I feel like I am in training for the Olympic decathlon, trying to balance the ten events of LapBanding: 1. Seminar – A hurdle cleared with ease… 2. Doctor Visit – A short, but grueling barrage of questions… 3. Head Doctor – Yes, it is just a cigar…Get over it…No I don’t want to talk about my mother… 4. Blood and EKG – 100 Yard dash of testing, seemed to be done to quick to matter, but who cares we move forward 5. Payment/Insurance (Self pay in my case) – Need to pay off my biggest CC so I can use it, getting Cashier’s checks are too much of pain and this way I can’t get the amount wrong. 6. Pro-op Fasting (Shrink liver…Shrink) – In process, but this is a longer run… 7. Pre-op day prepping – Set for April 21 8. Surgery – Set for May 6th 9. Recovery – Got the big body pillow to sleep on…My wife calls it my new mistress…further comments on this subject can only result in me saying something self-destructive. 10. Be a good Lapbander and follow the program – Making plans, as Bobby Knight would say, “Prepare to Win!”

April 8, 2009

1

From Fat to Furious

I just saw the fourth installment of Fast and the Furious. I am a gear head, so this movie was easy for me to like, but even my wife liked it as well. It certainly is not high theater, but for what it was supposed to be I gave it a “B+.” All of that aside, I looked at Vin Diesel in the movie and said, to myself, for once in my life I could look like that…wear clothes like that and look good doing it. I was so pumped up I went to the gym again after the movie. I know styling you goals after actors is a bit shallow but, hell…2/3s of the reason I am doing this the vanity factor. Does health matter? Yes. Do I need to lose weight for my joints? Yes. However, I am still focused on the results, it is a key motivator for me. I know my size has hurt me in my career, I know it has cost me promotions in the past, and I do believe it will hinder me going forward if I don’t get it fixed. Despite, all of those rational reasons, I am sick of being fat and I want the emotional and psychological benefits of improved looks…I think I here Carly Simon singing a song 

April 6, 2009

3

The Joy of Deletion

I love clothes…my wife says I am just one hair’s breath away from being gay when it comes to clothes. However, today I deleted my email from Rochester’s Big and Tall. As all of us know one the purposes of the lap band is to delete many things from our lives (weight, health issues etc.), while have not had the surgery yet, I still deleted my Rochester’s Big and Tall email, because…I don’t plan on ever buying anything from them again. It may just be mental masturbation, but it feels good all the same. I suspect all of us have multiple sized wardrobes in our closet and I can say with confidence that I have plenty of clothes to go through the shrinking phases and come out on the other side without ever going to a big and tall store again. In the movie the replacements Gene Hackman, who plays a football coach, tells Keanu Reeves, the team’s quarterback…”I look at you and see two men, the man you are and the man you can be…someday they will meet and make a great quarterback.” That is kind how I feel about deleting my Rochester’s email. The day of my large self and smaller self are on a path of convergence and it will be a great day.

April 3, 2009

1

Bloodhound Blues

I was had a great day yesterday work was good, stayed on diet task with drinks, went to the gym. Then I went home and my son was making grilled cheese and chili for dinner. The smell was killing me, so I went up stairs hoping to escape the seductive aromas. That did not work…I could still caught the faint whiff of things tempting me below. I opened the windows and turn on the fan to draw it some fresh air…it still did not work. Finally, I left and went for a drive although I swear I could smell it on my clothes. By this point, I am sure it was sure my imagination was planning games with me, but it was stuck in my head. I remembered a scene from an old CSI where they put Vick’s vaper rub under their nose to get over the smell of decomposing corpses tried it…and it did worked. I am not sure what this means, but I may have to ban cooking the house for a few more weeks.

April 2, 2009

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Negotiations and Love Songs

Paul Simon’s, aptly names anthology of solo hits is called “Negotiations and Love Songs.” He does a great job of capturing the often bizarre and illogical discussions and negotiations we have with ourselves. I think he has done a better job than most in capturing the 5 Stages of the Mourning (Denial, Sadness, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance). Well…last night I found myself locked in a mortal battle of wills with Denial. Obviously, I have spent years denying that I had a real problem and that I could overcome it with “will power” or the other great line “…I’ll just stop eating…” I have a friend, that is a recovered alcoholic, and he always said giving up booze was easier than food. Because, you CAN just stop drinking, stopping food eventually kills you… he always said that recovery rate would be zero, if every AA member had to take three shots a day, but was still required to stop all other drinking. So how did Denial sink it’s claws into me? I have been doing much better than I thought I would with the liquid diet, and the Queen of Denial was whispering to me last night…If you have done this good so far, just keep it up, skip the surgery and save the money…maybe your will power will hold out this time…ARRRRGGHHH. Denial is one seductive bitch! So how do you combat Denial? I use the mirror test. I taped a picture of me from high school/college times (about 190LBS), and one of a friend of mine who has the look I want when I get to the other side, then I stand naked in front of the mirror and ask myself do I look like the picture? Obviously the answer is No. Denial, I abjure you, I reject you and I will overcome you. The sweet siren song of Denial will not lead me to the rocky shores to find myself, again wrecked and wondering how it all went wrong. I know the Lapband is only a tool, but, it is also a weapon in a lifelong battle that I will win this time.

April 1, 2009

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