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Blog 61341

A blog by Cingulus

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What Bob Marley taught me about the LapBand

I was listening to Bob at the gym last night and as I felt the ocean breeze cover my mind. I found his music talking to me and here is what it said to me: 1. Jamming – Just keep jamming at any goal, it is hill that is climbed one step at a time. 2. Waiting in Vain – Waiting for some else to fix things is a vain hope. Lab bands give us a plan. 3. Get Up, Stand Up – Getting up, standing up and not giving up the fight is the only way to do this. 4. Satisfy my Soul – I need this to satisfy my soul and move forward in life. 5. I Shot the Sherriff – I going to shoot my old self and release myself from jail. 6. Redemption Songs – I am looking for redemption from my body for years of abuse, knees please forgive me. What Bob Marley songs speak to you?

April 10, 2009

2

Tray Table Down?Really the Tray Table Went Down

As I type this blog, I am sitting in a coach seat with my tray table down and it is flat. My stomach is not in the way, I did not need a seat belt extension and my laptop is open. This is the first time in the past decade I have been able to do this. I always used to cringe when my boss would say…”Oh you have a 6 hour flight you can work on this on the plane…” this usually meant performing some form of cramp induced typing contortions and annoying the person next to me. Today, it is different, and I am somewhat amazed. As I have mentioned in many other blogs I travel very often with my job and have spent years mastering the Yoga of Airline seats. I have studied the lay of most of the major jets and can tell you which seats have the windows in the right spots so I can lean my shoulders into the window cavity. I used to carry in my computer bag 3 extension cables, one for American Airlines planes, one for Untied Airlines Planes and one for Southwest airlines. I will not go so far as to say I am comfortable in airline seats now, that would be going way too far and I still think they are built for people who only weight 100 pounds or kids under 12. However, it is getting easier to travel and that is a huge NSV for me.

March 3, 2010

4

Through the Looking Glass?My Metal Images

So I work is screwing with me again and I had to cancel my pre-op. I should be able to reschedule and still make June 8th. I am very happy with my pre-op weight loss (43 lbs.), I feel great and being focused on surgery prep has really helped me keep my weight in line. The funny thing is I fell kind of scrawny right now…I know that is not the case…and the picture below validates this. I am sitting on the couch with a guy about my height and about half my weight (I am 330 right now). It is a great trip through the looking glass and how distorted our self image can be, and then become if you have success with the band.

May 26, 2009

2

They Say Old Lovers Can be Good Friends?

I was reading a thread today by Arnaz…asking if we missed food. One of the responders made a great point about the answer will probably vary a great deal based on where you are in the Lapband journey. As many of you will note most of my blogs reference books, movies and songs. Earlier last year, I wrote a blog entitled, “Food…I Want a Divorce!” I was angry at myself and food. As I read the thread I was reminded of an old song from the 70’s by a guy named Paul Davis, I Go Crazy… that had the immortal words, “…they say old lovers can be good friends…” this kind how I view my relationship with food now. Food is no longer a lover that can be indulged with unbridled passion. I must keep some distance and boundaries. It is not to say that on occasion I don’t feel a twinge of desire and remorse, but it is fleeting and not filled with true regret. Under the heading of be careful what you ask for…The LapBand is making sure I now have a friendly relationship with food, not an amorous one. I am working with food in ways my intellect always told me I should, but my heart failed to let me execute. It would be safe to say, that food is a lover I/we thought to be secret and sought out in private, but our affair with it was displayed in public on our bodies. So in this case do I think my old lover can be a good friend? The answer has to be an emphatic Yes! If we don’t find a way to bridge that gap we will all surely fail. Food is like the child(ren) in a divorce. Regardless of your other feelings, you have to suck it up and find a way to get along so you don’t hurt the people you love and those that have supported you through this process. It will be very, very hard at first, but with a little patience and practice the balance can be found because food is never going away. You have to build a new friendship with your old lover.

February 14, 2010

6

The Waiting is the Hardest Part?

In the immortal words of Tom Petty, “the Waaaaaiiiting is the hardest part.” I know that I am only 5 days post-op. I don’t want to wait for day 365. I know I will do the work and follow the right diet. I just want that year to be over so we get to those highly desired AFTER photos. I had really thought that going back to work would distract me and help me let time slide by, but alas that is not the case. I am neurotically thinking about the band and getting to the gym. Today was my first day back at work and the first thing I found out…my port is at just the right high to hit my desk. I found a new chair just one extra inch higher and that was enough…you have no idea how hard it is for me not make off-color jokes here…no men never really grow up. OK back on topic. I am fortunate that I can keep a small refrigerator in my office and it is stocked with new protein drinks…I went back to MuscleMilk, Optifast SUCKS! I have plenty of Jell-O cups and some Isopure drinks. Since I am posting this blog during my thrilling staff meeting today, I guess that confirms my distraction level. I can now confirm that the process is not that bad, but the waiting is truly the hardest part.

February 1, 2010

3

The Season is Over?Get Ready for the Playoffs

As I think about my banding experience it reminds me of a football season. You have training camp where you get your head right, study the play book and get your body ready for the season. Obviously, I correlate this to the pre-op phase of the LapBand. We all find teams (Doctors), get focused (shrinks, blood work etc.) and get our bodies ready (per-op diet) for the season opener. During this time we go through a roller coaster of thoughts, experiments, doubts and moments of conviction…but we persevere. Then, the big day arrives and we kick-off weight loss season…so nice that this works with the WLS acronym we use :thumbup:. We are then off to the play the first game in the season of weight loss. Like football, I feel the first half of your weight loss target like the regular season. You have to win these games to qualify for the playoffs, but they are a means to an end. We live through those tender days of the post-op, the really tough days of bandster hell and then we find some level of restriction. During these days you are playing games with pounds…some days you win and some you lose, but you keep grinding it out and before you know it you are half way there. These battles are not always very glorious, or fun, but they are required to get to second half of the goal. I call this the play offs. This is where the band should really earn its money. I have lost the first half of the weight at least 4 times in the past 20 years. It is the second half that is where I have failed, or to use this blogs vernacular…I get knocked out in the first round of the play-offs. I crossed the line into the play-offs a few weeks back at 88lbs down. I have dropped another 13 in the past few weeks and sit at 101 lost, 75 to go. This to me is the play-offs. This is where we separate the winners from the losers...or should I say the big losers from the “band approved” losers. I don’t know about you, but I refuse to accept the fact the band will only help me lose 50-60% of my excess weight. Hell, if that was the case I could declare victory at this point. However, that is not why I did this. At 5’8” and 272 pounds I still have a BMI of 30 and would still almost qualify for surgery. Needless to say, that is not what I signed up for. I have cross one of the major miles stones of 100Lbs lost (per and post-op), but I still have 75 more to go to hit my goal. What is next? Now is the time to step up the game, make the workouts more intense and more varied to keep the weight loss engine going. Craft a more targeted diet with lower fats, better carbs and higher protein…I am now running about 160G/day…got to love MuslceMilk CytoSport 45g/bottle for 300 calories. So I am stepping up the game in play-offs. I don’t want to lose in the first round anymore. I want to loss enough to be fit, normal, proportional or whatever you call it. But 272, is not that, so I have told my LapBand the season is not over and we still have at least 75 lbs of work to do.

April 14, 2010

3

The Optics of Obesity and Food Porn on TV

So…day three of the liquid fast and I am doing well. However, it has been said that perspective is a wonderful thing…it can help you see new options and often reveal things to which you have become immune. For me the new revelation is how much food is advertised on TV. Like most of us here, I would go on diets and minimize some foods, but never really thought of them as off-limits, just delayed. I returned home from the gym last night, sat in my favorite chair, cracked open a Slim-fast and prepared to watch some TV. Then the parade of food porn began, minus the bad Jacuzzi jazz, first it was Chili’s, then Applebee’s, then Outback Steak House, then Taco Bell (I don’t like them, but still food), then Pizza Hut and it just kept going. I couldn’t take it…I had to stop watching. I looked at my wife and said I have to go read a book, I was optically over stimulated. I was not hungry, but marketing weasels did a good job and I wanted to eat. I removed myself from the TV and went to another room. After I downed my Slim-fast and read for awhile and I stopped thinking about food. Going forward, Tivo will be my new best friend so I can fast forward through those commercials in the future. It was a great opportunity to learn more about how my brain works, how effective the marketing weasels can be and how to manage the urges of my gluttonous past.

March 31, 2009

2

The Opportunity of Being Delayed, Determined?but not Disappointed

For a variety of work related issues my banding has been moved out about 30 days from May 6th to June 8th. First, I would like to thank folks who have expressed their support. Second, I am somewhat relieved, odd as that might sound. I have been making good progress on losing weight with the pre-op liquids and kind of want to keep it going. I have been able to hit the gym almost every day and figure the better my physical condition before the surgery, the more likely it will be successful and the easier recovery will be. Third, my delay was related to some one time external events that can’t really be controlled. Given some of the horror stories I heard about insurance hassles and lack of family support I have read about, this is a minor compared to other trials. I don’t mean to get all “Tony Robbins” on people, but, determination is at the core of the LB lifestyle change. You have to be determined to make the changes, eat appropriately and exercise…especially exercise. Despite the delay, I look at this as a way to test my determination and resolve before is shelling out $16K. If I can’t handle a 30 day delay, how will I handle a full life time of change? This is a great opportunity prove to myself and those I love, that this is a real change, not a transient trend that goes away at the first obstacle. I am not disappointed, I am actually grateful for the opportunity to keep demonstrating that I can exhibit the properly modified mindset for LapBand success (Yes, I am ignoring the possibility of failure. As they said in Apollo 13…”failure is not an option…”).

May 5, 2009

3

The Middle Seat...No Kevin Smith Was Not on The Plane

No one likes the middle seat on airlines. However, for years I have watched people eye me with disdain for fear that I will be the person in the middle seat next to them. In many ways I do feel for them, when a guy pushing 400 lbs, looks at them and says, sorry dude, that seat is me. They know this is going to be an uncomfortable flight for everyone. I remember so many times walking down the isle of coach seating seeing people praying that I walked past them, I could hear the expulsion of the breath they were holding when they saw me coming and then move past them. As I said I don’t always blame them, some days I did, it pissed me off, and it was a bit humiliating at the same time. As I got on the plane last night, I thought about Southwest Airlines and them asking people to buy two tickets or kicking people off for taking up to much room. However, on my most recent flight I got stuck in the middle seat and while it will never be comfortable, it was far more manageable. I did not get kicked of the plane and it was not a CNN story for which I am very grateful. Much like going to the dentist, the middle seat will never be fun, but it is significantly easier.

March 4, 2010

5

The LapBand?Is it the Easy Way Out?Who Cares if it Works

I can’t believe how much this topic comes up on the forum…”is the LAP-BAND® the easy way out…” http://www.lapbandtalk.com/f15/banded-living-ez-way-out-111243/ I am sure like most things there are as many opinions as there are people. I guess the net-net of my thoughts is who cares if it works. I love the help I am getting with the band and I don’t really care that I got help…I am getting the results I and looking for. Yes, I still have a long way to go, but I am half way there. I have not been under 300LBS in 20 year so I love taking the easy way out for those that want to call it that. Some people will get it and support us, some will not care one way or the other and unfortunately some will be ardently against the band. Unfortunately, this vocal group of detractors tends to be those closest to us…in many cases. It is fairly easy for me to be caviler, since I have a very thick skin and my immediate family talked me into doing the band. However, I continue to be amazed how much hardship others go through. I really do hate that fact so many people get so much resistance to helping themselves. I have some thoughts about this and here are my thoughts: 1. Is the band the easy way out…I have to say YES, I do think that the LAP-BAND® makes things easier…and I am glad it does…and I don’t care that it is easier. I have been much more successful with the band than without it. Let’s face it. if this was easy we would not have decided to use the band. Does that mean that it is simple and does not take work? Obviously the answer is no. It takes focus, patience, following the rules and persistence to make the band work, but it has been easier than trying to do it on my own. 2. Is the band the easy way out…some same NO, it is not the easy way out. You still have to do the same work for Pre-op, surgery, post-op, controlling what you eat and exercise. You can each Ben and Jerry’s all day and the band will not work. To me this is a question of perspective. As I said above, this one of many cases, where my opinion really does not matter. It is about what you feel. The problem is you will never convince those who have not been fat and been stuck in a fat body. They can’t really understand, and most of the detractors don’t want to comprehend the challenges. There are myriad reasons why some folks will think this is the easy way out. They are jealous, they are cruel, they are misinformed, they don’t want to see you change, they only feel better if others are worse off than them, they have low self esteem, they are afraid for you regarding surgery, they heard bad things, they read an article that said XY&Z and the list goes on. You have to do the pre-op alone, the surgery alone, chose the right foods alone, exercise alone and live with the choice alone. All of us who have had the band were required to make these choices alone and that is the key. In the end the choice to change and be better is done alone. Others might help and support, but only you can make the changes so ignore those who would hold you back, belittle you or otherwise hamper you from being everything you want to be in this life.

March 9, 2010

4

The Joy of Deletion

I love clothes…my wife says I am just one hair’s breath away from being gay when it comes to clothes. However, today I deleted my email from Rochester’s Big and Tall. As all of us know one the purposes of the lap band is to delete many things from our lives (weight, health issues etc.), while have not had the surgery yet, I still deleted my Rochester’s Big and Tall email, because…I don’t plan on ever buying anything from them again. It may just be mental masturbation, but it feels good all the same. I suspect all of us have multiple sized wardrobes in our closet and I can say with confidence that I have plenty of clothes to go through the shrinking phases and come out on the other side without ever going to a big and tall store again. In the movie the replacements Gene Hackman, who plays a football coach, tells Keanu Reeves, the team’s quarterback…”I look at you and see two men, the man you are and the man you can be…someday they will meet and make a great quarterback.” That is kind how I feel about deleting my Rochester’s email. The day of my large self and smaller self are on a path of convergence and it will be a great day.

April 3, 2009

1

The Deed is Done?Don?t Let the Villain Rise Again

So the deed is done, i have the band and this story will not end like most bad blockbuster movies with the heroes having triumphed and the villain has slithering away to return in the squeal do next summer. Screw That! After getting banded I have no interest in seeing the weight-loss sequel. I just want the pounds-I-have-to-lose villain dead. One of the things I loved about the movie “Taken” is the Liam Neeson’s character does not try to be to be heroic. He is simply on a mission to find his daughter and take her home. He systematically finds the next bad guy, beat the crap out of him for the information he needs, then kills them so they can’t come back to haunt him. In the final scene, he does not taunt and gloat over the villain giving them a chance to cleverly get away. He simply shoots the ultimate villain and takes his daughter home. Now that I have the band, that is my plan for the pounds I have to lose and they are the villain. I plan on killing them cleanly and quickly with little fuss and no parades. Yes, my testosterone is talking, but I am a guy…deal with it. I am three days post op and went to the gym, did 30 minutes on the elliptical and I am hunting down those evil pounds like they have my daughter and I her want it back. My 26th anniversary is coming up and my wife asked me today if I wanted anything special. I told her no. My mission right now is to kill those villainous pounds and stay focused on the target. Those who have read some of my past blogs know I can be a bit over the top…and I am. However, that does not change my conviction and mission to make a great movie about losing weight , the villain will die at the end and there will be no sequel.

January 31, 2010

5

The Day after Making the Right Choice

So I was driving to the gym last night, fighting my mental battle between I had done enough exercise this week and keeping to the rules of 30 minutes every day. Despite trying to rationalize my way out of going to the gym, I grudgingly kept moving towards the gym. It was not a bad workout, and I got through it. It was one of the many thousands of “right choices” that have to be made to be successful with the Lapband journey successful. I was able to weight in this week with a nice weight loss and it should be enough to meet my pre-op requirement. It was one of those proof-points that illustrates if you can make the right choices you can get the right results. I know there is very long road ahead, but this is one of the little victories that help fire the motivation along the way.

April 11, 2009

2

The Check is in the Mail

The Check is in the Mail So I got a call from Dr. Oliak’s office yesterday outlining the exact payment details, $16K total: • One Check for the Hospital $7,000 (cashier’s check or CC) • One for the doctor $8400 (Did not specify the grade of payment?) • One for Anesthesiologists $600 (But leave the name blank so it can be filled in after the surgery, and they will take a personal check for 600, ahh…the trust I realize they need to be paid, but they really need some polish in how they deliver the message. I know some other places cost less, but I felt comfortable with the team and that is worth a bit more. I continue to be filled with anticipation and ready to get this going. 24 hours to get the show on the road. I hope I can start the pre-op diet on Saturday.

March 26, 2009

2

The Best Scale in the House

One of the most difficult things for me as part of the band was finding the right portion sizes. As a newbie reading about sliming and PBing, it gave me significant reasons to pause and question if the band was the right choice for me. Obviously I got over the concerns and got the band, but in the spirit of optimizing this process, I still wanted to minimize the risk of ever having to go through the sliming experience. Veterans of the band would probably tell me the answer was simple…don’t eat more than your pouch can hold, avoid the major blocking foods, breads, rice and chew thoroughly when you do eat. While this is sound advice and I am doing my best to follow said advice, I needed better tools than my eyeballs and will power. Not to mention, relying on those before are part of what got me into this problem in the first place. To that end, my wife found two outstanding tools that are making banded life manageable. The first has been the Escali P115C food scale. This little device has stopped me from adding extra food and takes the guess work out of most meals. The second item is 8oz cups with lids like you find at the delicatessen. They also help me regulate food at restaurants. I bring an empty cup with me, order what I think I want, cut it up and only eat what fits in the cup. Yes, it is a little odd, but after spending this much money, going through the pre and post op issues, I want to optimize the process. I know this may sound a bit OCD, but it has worked. I like my body weight scale when it moves, but I love this one every day.

March 7, 2010

2

So About That Tiger Woods Apology?

I wish they would take it off the air and just let him talk to his wife (assuming she is still talking to him)…I could not resist the head line. But…it did get me to thinking…that I do owe a great of thanks to my wife and sons who have been very supportive of my LapBand process. I have read so many posts of people who are ostracized or belittled for seeking or having the LapBand done. It continues to amaze me how much grief others have to go through just to help themselves. Undoubtedly, there are thousands of different reasons, fears, jealousies and circumstances the lead to the comments made by family and friends of those who don’t understand. All I can say is sometimes you have to make choices on your own and live by your convictions. Best of luck to those that don’t get all the support you deserve, it will be with it in the end. Now back to CNNs biggest news story and debate about the credibility of Tiger’s apology, was he sincere enough…was it better than when Kobe apologized. I think the marriage is shot…Tiger give it up, go back to being the best golfer in the world, keep your head down, be the best father you can be to your kids and stop whining to the globe. The world and endorsement folks will forgive and forget for the most part if Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, Bill Clinton, Alex Rodriguez and others are any example. Welcome the world of mere mortals.

February 20, 2010

3

Slipping into Shoes

One small NSV for me is my feet have shrunk. I bought some new shoes a while back and had to set them aside and buy wider ones because they did not fit well and were too tight. I tried them on for the hell of it yesterday and they fit great and I wore them the whole day with no problems. I never would have never thought of my feet shrinking…probably a guy thing.

March 13, 2010

2

See the Doc on 3/27

Hi Folks, So I go in for the first doctors consult on Friday 3/27/09. Although I have only been to the introductory session, I already find myself examining my pre-op meals. My mind is determining if I can have the food consumed in a post-op world. It is not a craving, or a sense of loss, but merely a scientific curiosity about how, or if, this food could be processed through the band. The thing that has really stuck me in mentally preparing for the LB is how much is to be gained through this process. I am sure during the pre-op diet and post-op liquids I may feel different, but I already find my mind set changing about food. I am acknowledging, to myself, that I can live without food X, Y or Z for the first time in my life. My biggest concern is addiction transference. In reading many posts, some people are offended to be labeled as food addicts, but I know that I am. So what will I do to control and manage the addiction? How can I positively use the obsessive nature of additions as a force for bodily good vs. evil? In my mind transference to exercise must occur to provide the tools for dealing with emotional/stress eating. Second, I need to find a new reward system other than nice meals. Thoughts and/or suggestions?

March 25, 2009

7

Righteous Restriction

Finally…fill number 4 seems to have done the trick. I have been working closely with one PA at my doctors to find restriction. Each week I have been providing them a detailed food and exercise log. We reviewed my food log and how long 8 oz. meals were lasting (2-3 hours) and agreed that another fill was appropriate. However, they took a very different approach this time. Instead of picking a fill amount and then seeing how it went over the next few weeks. They drained the entire band and then refilled the band while I was drinking water until it would not go down anymore them they backed things off to let a little go through. Prior to this I have felt a definitive ceiling on food consumption (10-12 oz) so I can’t complain that it was not helping…but I never felt like I was experiencing restriction. This is the first time after a fill that a protein shake has had to be drunk in stages. I have gotten away without chewing everything to death; I have certainly slowed down and did chew much more than in the past. However, going forward I am definitely going to have chew much more carefully. I am back to liquids for a few days and finally feel confident that I will be finding a long lasting restriction experience this time. It is good to feel that I am finally getting what we paid for…Despite not having had a full restriction experience before this, I am thrilled with the things the LapBand process has done for me to this point. I am down 98 pounds so far, including pre-op, and have 78 more to go. My goals is to get the last 78 done over the next 6 months and then stabilize for a few months, so I can use our annual shutdown in December to get some PS done and have those 2 weeks to recover for the New Year. It is pretty clear I will have to get reductions on the waist and my “moobs.” (sorry…probably under the heading of TMI)

April 10, 2010

4

Picking Your Moments for LapBand Success

One of my favorite book series is from a husband and wife team, David and Leigh Eddings. There are 12 books in the series and throughout these books there a two “primal forces” in their universe that meet for battles and events. Often in these books the battles are very small, at other times these are cataclysmic, however in every one of these events the winners is ultimately decided by an individual choice between stasis and progress. A single person has to decide the fate of the universe. To me, in many ways this defines the lapband process. Every day we are faced with moments of choice and if we choose properly we win the battle…but it is a new fight every day if you want to avoid stasis and make progress. Since I am an engineer who became marketing guy and that means for every problem I like to build a checklist of how to solve it and turn it into a visual diagram with simple steps so it is easy for people use and implement. I spend most of my days doing this for technology products and I was thinking about how to apply this to the lapband last night while I was on the elliptical machine. What are the key moments and choices for each day’s battle? I am sure the list will vary for most, but here are my moments for lapband success: 1. Choosing a High Protein Breakfast with supplements 2. Packing a good set of 8oz meals for the day before I leave for work 3. Eating the right midmorning meal, I brought to work 4. Choosing a High Protein Lunch 5. Eating the right late afternoon meal with pre-work out supplements (NO-Xplode) 6. Stopping at the gym everyday 7. Going into the Gym working hard 8. Drink a good high protein, low carb post work supplement drink (ISOPure Low carb…) 9. Choosing a High Protein Dinner These nine moments are like the recurring battles between those”primal forces“in the Eddings books. They only require an instant of choice, but they make the difference between stasis…or progress.

March 10, 2010

1

Perspective is a Wonderful Thing. Help Yourself to Some?

As a write this my son (Navy), my brother-in-law (Army) and nephew (Navy)…two of whom are in Iraq and Afghanistan serve with the global forces deployed in harms way. I cannot really imagine what their days are like…and I have a very vivid imagination. My brother-in-law is due to come home after a second tour shortly, assuming they don’t decide to keep him longer again…which they have done twice. As I was annoyed that I am having some post-op nausea and gas, I thought about what their days must be like in some of the most difficult places in the world. Needless to say, I was a bit ashamed of myself. However, I must say thank god for sugar free Jell-O…but I digress. The band if tough there is not free ride, but our time in bandster hell is a pittance compared to what our forces across the world face, or the horror going on in Hatti today. As I thought about this, I hope we can all keep some perspective on what is going on across the world, not just our individual part of it. Sometimes folks find despair in the limits of their success with the band, but it is not the only important thing in life or the world. I am not saying we should not vent and look for help and support from the folks here on the LBT forums. Just remember that our struggles with the band, plateaus in weight loss and side effects are real problems, but they are eminently solvable, by just little-old-us. Many of our family and friends are fighting bigger fights, and solving bigger problems. If you and I focus on that then we can make the band work and understand that perspective is as wonderful a tool for our problems and the band is for waistlines. So perspective is free, and can be customized by everyone as a vital resource in the band journey…so help yourself to all you want.

January 31, 2010

2

Orville Redenbacher is Satin?s Messenger

Saturday was day 10 post-op and was a day filled with some errands and we went to see the new Travolta flick “From Paris with Love.” Which was OK, but I would save the movie until it comes out on NetFlix. However, the point to this little epistle is…Popcorn. I walked into the movie theater and was assaulted by the smells of Popcorn. It was like listening to Satin whisper in your ear…it’s OK…a few bites won’t hurt…you have been good… you deserve it…it will be fine. It was so overwhelming I almost left the movie theater. CRUEL is the only word I can use. The reaction was so physical and visceral that I wondered if I had gone back in time to when I could scarf popcorn. After a few moments, my brain kicked in and suppressed my primal reaction to the smells. During the first round of pre-op prep, (I lost about 6 months due to some extenuating circumstances at work) I posted a blog about the real battle for the band was with my mind and avoiding my own tendencies to self destruct on my diets. Now the front in my band war has shifted from my mind to my nose. We always hear that each of our sense can be extraordinarily powerful. For me this is very true, and my nose and Orville Redenbacher hit me with a full fledge guerilla attack on Saturday, that I did not come close to seeing in advance. We now know that the nose is a mean bastard and he works for the darks side.

February 7, 2010

5

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Yesterday was the first day of trying the liquids to lose my required 20 lbs. It was a great test of my cognitive programming. I went to Trader Joes to buy a supply of drinks and liquid vitamins. As I was driving to the store, I noticed signs for two new restaurants in my area (PF Changs and the Yard House), my initial reaction was, cool I love their…oh shit can’t do that anymore…ok must re-boot and upload new behavioral code. I was both dismayed at my Pavlovian training towards food and pleased to be able to recognize the behavior for what is was and manage the reaction. Next, I went the gym, and ran a few errands. However, while I was out my wife sent me a text and asking for some items from the grocery store…ok, not a problem, it was a short list. I picked all of the other the stuff and went over to the deli counter for the final item…sliced turkey, at the counter they handed me the first slice as a sample and I ate it without thinking. Damn, busted by my own reactions. Now, I realize that a single slice of turkey will not ruin an otherwise on target day of protein drinks, but it was amazing to me how ingrained the food response is in my life. I am sure most of you out there have had these moments of epiphany and have overcome them. Obviously, this event shows how much of the process is mental, not physical, but God I felt like the dog when bell rang. The final challenge of the day was going to bed, the stomach growled, and I can’t sleep when I am hungry. Not to fear…I did go find another protein drink and got through the night, but as I was thinking about my eating habits, it became clear to me the night time is my greatest challenge and I have to come up with a new plan for laying myself down to sleep…I tried, Enter Sandman from Metallica, but that did not work either. I think I will have to start some herbal teas or something else. I told my wife sex every night would help…I am male after all. So what do you guys do to get through the night time munchies?

March 29, 2009

3

No 30 Day Chip for Me?Expunging the Guilt

As part of most 12 step programs you get a chip once you have been clean for 30 days. I am not getting a virtual Lapband chip this month. As part of my pre-op diet with the doctor I am supposed to do protein drinks during the day and 6-8 oz of chicken/fish for dinner. I have been following program (15 days down, 15 to go) until tonight. I did not go crazy, I ate to much chicken, some fat free cottage cheese, three scoops of peanut butter and non-fat chocolate frozen yogurt. It was one of the moments of weakness, we have all had. As I sit here I wonder what would have happened if I had had the band already. Without a doubt, my future Lapband would have provided me with a visceral and direct warning of the folly of gluttony. Apparently, I still have lots of work to do. Alas, tomorrow is a new day to make better choices and start working towards that first 30 day chip.

April 13, 2009

2

Negotiations and Love Songs

Paul Simon’s, aptly names anthology of solo hits is called “Negotiations and Love Songs.” He does a great job of capturing the often bizarre and illogical discussions and negotiations we have with ourselves. I think he has done a better job than most in capturing the 5 Stages of the Mourning (Denial, Sadness, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance). Well…last night I found myself locked in a mortal battle of wills with Denial. Obviously, I have spent years denying that I had a real problem and that I could overcome it with “will power” or the other great line “…I’ll just stop eating…” I have a friend, that is a recovered alcoholic, and he always said giving up booze was easier than food. Because, you CAN just stop drinking, stopping food eventually kills you… he always said that recovery rate would be zero, if every AA member had to take three shots a day, but was still required to stop all other drinking. So how did Denial sink it’s claws into me? I have been doing much better than I thought I would with the liquid diet, and the Queen of Denial was whispering to me last night…If you have done this good so far, just keep it up, skip the surgery and save the money…maybe your will power will hold out this time…ARRRRGGHHH. Denial is one seductive bitch! So how do you combat Denial? I use the mirror test. I taped a picture of me from high school/college times (about 190LBS), and one of a friend of mine who has the look I want when I get to the other side, then I stand naked in front of the mirror and ask myself do I look like the picture? Obviously the answer is No. Denial, I abjure you, I reject you and I will overcome you. The sweet siren song of Denial will not lead me to the rocky shores to find myself, again wrecked and wondering how it all went wrong. I know the Lapband is only a tool, but, it is also a weapon in a lifelong battle that I will win this time.

April 1, 2009

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