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I used to think...

I used to think I really loved me. I guess thes last couple days have proven me wrong, because I'm mentally falling into bad behaviors. Oh, nothing I'm in serious trouble for...for bad behaviors none the less. I'm biting and chewing...and chewed really super good and had some chicken breast. It felt wonderful. I had no problem getting it down, nothing came up, everything settled well. The part that scares me is whether or not I'm going to be able to stop myself next time.   Right now, I have a bowl of tomato soup with stuff in it. I don't know what the stuff is, and I'm not eating it, just the soup around it. Fair enough. But reality is, I need to get to know my blender. If I don't, I will fail.   Ok, so I do love my personality. I have a great sense of humor, sensitivity, caring, grace, understanding, and fairness. Everyone who knows me even half-way well loves me. I don't like my weight. My weight doesn't allow me to be the person that lives inside...I'm captive to it. Yet, on various diets, I have lost and then gained...sooooo...what is it i am afraid of, or don't like, or can't stand, or whatever that keeps me from wanting to lose weight??? That's my questions to myself...then I'll have my Oprah moment. So, I wake, believing tomorow will be a new day and bring about positive change. I look forward to the morning walk before work, and the rest I'll get tonight. And in looking ahead, I realize it's again time to stop, listen to creation, think about it, and pray.
Trip2bme

Trip2bme

2
 

Cave..keep out

As for today, it was a successful day. But this evening, I've been grazing...chewing and spitting. ick. And not good things either...just things. Left overs from Trin's plate...duh.   I know this is the time on a normal diet I would cave. Completely, udderly go into the fridge and eat anything and everything until I couldn't breathe.   Honestly, I'm afraid of the skinny me. I don't know what kind of person she is, how she copes...is she friendly, or will she ruin all the safe relationships I've built? And at this moment, when i see success staring me in the brain...I want to quit. Not really, but in this moment i yell and scream and fight for staying fat. Why??? That's ultimately the question. If i can figure out the 'why' I can have my "Oprah moment'". But I think I;m afraid to consider what it might be.   Clear liquids for 2 weeks?? When everyone else is on full??? Gimme a break!!! How come? I want to be normal...alas, for years I haven't been normal. For years I have eaten like a fiend, made myself and everyone around me uncomfortable...I;'ve started the back pain and the joint pain, and I can't live there. That's why I had to have the surgery...so I wouldn't back down.   So now, just because the wedding ring is fitting loosley, and the clothes are fitting loosely, and the bone structure is peeking out, this isn't he reason to quit. Fish will come soon enough...that's what I want my first 'meal' to be, broiled fish. It won't be long. I've been eaing my whole life, so perhaps now I can just be patient for a couple more weeks. It won't be long, and then it'll get easier. And now I wait, and pray...
Trip2bme

Trip2bme

2
 

Feeling sorry for myself

Today is Mother's Day. i should be in the other room enjoying my kids and husband, laughing and having fun. Instead I've just cooked lunch for the fsmily and am sitting at the computer sorting out my anger issues. Of course, i can't have anything to eat to forget them...so I'm upset about that. For Pete's sake, today is SHRIMP DAY!!! This is my day to eat every shrimp in town and not feel one bit guilty for that!!! do they make liquid shrimp??? What if I promise to spit them all out after I chew them to shreds. I Love Shrimp! And low and behold, I'm trying to avoid my hunger issues be blending into the computer with no one around. i do have a cup of chicken soup broth cookling down next to my computer so that when it cools I can drink it. Maybe that will help heal my food-longing heart.   Meanwhile, church was today. Scott did a nice job of ministering to all the women of the church with flowers and a card written to each of them to share how he feels. I think they really enjoyed it. I ended up in the nursery playing puzzles with the 2 little ones...which was cool...but I didn't get to talk to anyone after service. Oh well, as long as everone else has a nice time, it's not supposed to matter to me.   Also, because it;s Mom's day, i'm thinking a lot about mine. Miss her, wish she was here to yell at me again. But she;'s not. Had a minor meltdown on the way home from church because of it I guess...and the shrimp thing. Asked Scott if there was any cheese at home so I could make the nachos I had been talking about for 2 days and he said no...well, duh! I haven't been eating it, so I assumed he would keep tabs on that for me. My error...turns out, we did have enough cheese to feed them today...but it didn't stop me from becomming upset about it in the car while I was driving and drive like a lunatic...a safe lunatic, but a lunatic nonetheless. I'm thinking about bringing this brother to a boil and adding some egg whites.   There's another thing I'm ticked about. What the heck is the difference between clear liquid, full liquid, and some other kind of liquid I can't think of right now. I mean i don't want definitions...I really know the difference. BUT I want a full menu of each stage so I have a map that says yes and no. I need to be able to consume about 10 more kinds of liquids to come close to getting in what I need to each day. I'm missing the protein and calorie mark by a long shot...I have to be.   Truthfully, I mentally want to eat again...just for today, and then i say tomorrow I'll be better, but I know that's not true either. ONE STINKIN' SHRIMP! j/k   Oh well...I have made it this far with minimal cheating. chewing to chew and then spitting it out...but I don't think that counts toward being successful either. About this time in a typical diet I have caved...I'm beginning to see where I'm losing weight...fingers, face, feet...so now that I can feel it, I can quit. That's my MO. Not this time though...I can't quit...ever...this is a decision for life.   My dream is that food will not consume me...my thoughts, my dreams, my life...that it won't overtake me and hold me captive. My hope is that I experience this freedom before I die. Anther day to think and pray.
Trip2bme

Trip2bme

1
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