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Feeding Alone & Lonely

I need to write this tonight as I continue to struggle with each bite. As the sunrises and with fresh eyes, a fresh attitude and determination I prepare each day with the attitude “In it to win it”, I can do the right thing. As the sun moves from East to West and life starts to happen, where to move, what school is best for my kid, what do I want to do next with my career, can’t find time to work out, need to clear my desk of all the task, people working my nerves, not enough money seemingly to pay for private school or buy a house, my emotions kick into overdrive. As my emotions kick in so does the hand to mouth action. Never hungry just need to feed the stress of it all, the pain, the rush, the annoyance, the lack of time, the lack of fulfillment, the happy, the sad and every other emotion in between. As the sunsets and the house settles to a hush, the loudest of the noises start to rush in. Then I’m like a Hoover sucking everything I can get down even when it hurts. Never hurts as much as the pain after dark. Never hurts as much! I pray, I pray, I write, I talk to the shrink, I write, I pray, I cuss, I cry, I cry, I cry, then I stuff, I stuff and I stuff more. Then I think about how I can get around this expensive thing in my chest getting in the way of my stuffing things. I was told to identify my feelings and then come up with something else to do in place of stuffing the food down. I have come up with all types of things, work out, take a bath read a book, call a friend, watch TV and then…..I climb in my bed and it comes again when I settle in all alone and lonely. How do you get around the emptiness of being all alone and lonely? Reading, working out, calling yet another friend never seems to end the loneliness, the pain and the hurt from this thing makes me crazy so I just stuff. Maybe if I could skip from noon to morning and miss the dusk till dawn then maybe just maybe I could get a grip on things. So, here I stand doing the self talk thing once again!
metamorphosis

metamorphosis

2
 

Have I failed???

As I continue to struggle and muddle through my food issue I realized just how tied my food is to so many other issues in my life. I am an emotional eater and it started so long ago, which in turn created a very nasty habit. But the question today for me is “Have I failed”? I asked that as someone responded to me and let me know that what I feel is not at all uncommon, but they mentioned failing. So I ask again if I struggle with the food and I don’t do what I am suppose to have I failed (have we failed)? Well to answer, first I look back and I think of the years and years that I have abused food almost 30 years in total. But I think about when I started on this journey to have surgery it actually started six years ago. It started when I decided I wanted to have surgery but I thought I needed to get my head right first. Well I went to therapy and thought I will give it a year and then have surgery, well I decided against surgery and just stayed in therapy and six years later I decided I was ready. I decided I need a little help getting me over the hill as I had dug deep and “UN”- Earthed so many “un”truths in my life and I was now ready for the weight to go. Well it’s only been a few months since I had surgery and I feel like what did I spend all that money on, I’m not getting it right. Hell I ate two stupid donuts the other day and cried all the way home. If that ain’t a food addict what is? I felt hopeless at that moment! I am failing! Or am I? You see I know almost the exact date that things started to get goofy with my food (this go around) and I know why. It’s been about two weeks since I really fell off, mmm!!! Well before therapy I would not have even know I fell off because I would have never been on. Since therapy I can identify my triggers and since surgery I don’t wait as long to deal with the issue and I will/am deal/ing with it. So I’m not failing. When I look back over the last two weeks or few months it may seem that way but to truly answer that question for myself I have to look at the whole picture and I know I am better today than I was before surgery. So I have to silence the negative chatter look back and see from which I have come and let the momentum compel me forward toward the next meal where I exercise control.
metamorphosis

metamorphosis

3
 

The Psychology of it all

So it was a week on Saturday since I got my last fill and it’s tight. But this last week I have truly struggled with eating. I can’t help but think back on the 12 steps again and what addiction means. It’s insanity! It’s insane when you pay $$$$$ to physically alter the ability to swallow food, so you can lose weight, but then you try and force food down after you have paid thousands of dollars to physically restrict your ability to do so. Then you spend more time trying to figure out how to get around the restriction but still think how bad you want to be thin. It’s so (insert several bad words here :sad::cursing::crying::cursing: x 10) mental. So the last few days I have spent every meal staring at an abundance of food that I know, good and well I will never be able to eat but to satisfy my off balanced mental state I put it on my plate anyway. Then after a few bites I spend the rest of my time talking to myself about how insane it is for me to take another bite when I am already ready to puke it all back out. So I can’t help but think what happened, what’s going on and how did I get so f&$* up? What is it that drives me to participate in this ritual, this thing that has caused so much pain in my life? I’ve been in therapy for the last six years and the more I think I know the more I don’t. It’s getting better the last few days I have been able to put less food on my plate and love myself enough to provide myself with the self talk that I need to talk me off the “ledge”. Sometimes I can’t do anything but laugh, to keep from crying and then I reach out to my God and ask, “So when you were dishing out issues and challenges how come mine could not be how to get over being wealthy or insanely beautiful with people fighting over me?” But at the close of this writing the truth is for what ever reason this is the issue that I have to hurdle. It’s often reduced me to tears, deep depression, humiliation and disgust. But today is all I have and I have to keep remembering that my focus has to be on the meal before me and getting that right. Failure is not an option for me so I keep going into each meal knowing that I can and will do what needs to be done. My life is valuable and important to many, most importantly me. Today was better than yesterday! Peace, Love & Health Metamorphosis
metamorphosis

metamorphosis

4
 

It's Not a magic cure

Well today, the harsh reality of this banding thing came crashing in on me. It felt like I ran into a wall while running at top speed. Today I realized that it does not matter if I have a band or I don't have a band I'm going to have to work at this food thing. It is mental, it is spiritual, and it is painful. I thought back to the year I spent in OA HOW and realized why it was so regimented, because it is an addiction and it is a dis-Ease. I'm not defeated but, just lost this battle and will need to go back to the drawing board and create a new plan if I want to win the this war. So today I am committing to writing at least once a week. Peace, Love & Health
metamorphosis

metamorphosis

3
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