Blog 56851

A continuation of my journey

I am SO ready for Tuesday! February 3, 2009 is going to be the first day of the rest of my life. I realize that most people consider that the day that they get married, but that did not apply in my marriage... as we are divorced... HAPPILY I might add! Anyway, words cannot begin to express how excited I am about this endeavor. I have shared my struggles with nobody... and I mean NOBODY, not even my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I have kept this battle to myself for many years. And now, I'm finally taking my life back. I was SO afraid that I may not qualify, since I don't have diabetes, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, or any conditions that warrant impending death. I honestly thought I was too "healthy" to qualify. But today, I took a very brave step. I did something that I have not done in over a year... I stepped on a scale. Now, I realize that most people will see a higher number and cry. But for me, seeing a high number gave me a sense of excitement... because now, I qualify by my weight alone!!! On February 3, I am going to a Seminar. The first step into Band Land. I'm going to be able to receive more information (as if my many late night rendezvous' with Google were not enough), and I will be able to have all of my questions answered. And the best part... I don't have to travel for hours or out of state to have it done. This place is here... in Lafayette!!! Hollaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!! I'm looking into getting The Lap Band™ . I have spent months researching the possibilities. Reading up on surgery options, watching video footage of surgeries, hearing / reading testimonials, and now, joining discussions forums, I feel prepared. I have gotten to the point that I am physically, emotionally, mentally, and psychologically prepared for this surgery. I'm SO ready to take my life back. To be out of constant pain that comes from having this extra weight on my body. To be free from the affliction of back pain, knee pain, hip pain, ankle pain, and breasts that are the sizes of large cantelopes... no kidding! To be able to wear jeans again, to see my feet when I stand up, to have ankles again instead of cankles. To be able to run or jog without my breasts beating me up. To have a bone structure, no more double chin, and for God's sake, to no longer be able to get away with parking in the Expected Mom's parking spaces at Toy's R Us! *I know it's wrong, but I get away with it* Finally, to be able to have a sense of pride in myself. To know that I'm going to finally beat this, after years of fighting this losing battle. To feel that I've accomplished something great. To be able to have a sense of comfort, knowing that I will be healthier, and happier. I will be around longer, to watch my kids grow, and to hopefully see my grandkid (and even great grandkids). I want to be able to toss my bottles of anti-depressants and nexium, never to depend on these medications again. To no longer suffer from constant constipation and hemorrhoids. Yea, I know it's detailed, but ya know what? It's part of my everyday life. If you're thinking about doing this... don't do it on a spur of the moment. Really think, research, pray, and research some more. You definitely want to be fully educated and know what you're getting yourself into.

RABarras

February 2, 2009

Journey into the unknown

On Friday, January 23, 2009, I took my first step of a journey into the unknown. I went to the Southwest Medical Center's Bariatric Center's website and sent a request for information and for a seat at the upcoming Seminar. For many years, I have struggled with my weight. In my adolescent years, I was "chubby", and had self esteem issues as a result. I lost all the extra weight and was actually wafer thin for a few years... TOO thin! After the birth of my first child, I looked great. I had enough weight on my body to look normal, my ideal weight. However, giving birth to my second child made it more difficult to return to my previous weight, and after giving birth to my third child, it was just impossible. I became depressed, withdrawn, and a shell of my former self. I began binge eating as a result. I never purged, but I did binge often. I packed on a lot of weight in a short period of time. My depression only deepened, and I became suicidal. I sought out help for my depression and have been much better able to cope. I lost a little bit of the weight (not nearly enough), but it made me feel better to know that I was on the right track. I went to college and began working at a restaurant until I would be able to start working my career as a Cosmetologist. 6 months into my job, I took a fall at work that would change my life for the next few years. I fell so hard that I straightened out the C-curve in my neck. Since then, I am limited as far as physical abilities. My back hurts constantly, and my neck hurts periodically. I have to be VERY careful of what I do. Adding to this strain is the extra weight on my body. I have no idea what I weigh right now, but if I had to guess, I would think it's at least 240 Ibs. Never in my earlier years did I imagine that I would be this fat. That I would be one of the many obese people that skinny people gawk at. I guess God chose me to be the example? Whatever the answer may be, I must make changes. My breasts are SO huge, it's un-bearable. I've always been big breasted, but this is ridiculous. I hurt on a daily basis. If I sit down, it takes everything in my power to stand, because of the strain on my back. So February 3, 2009 will be the first day of the rest of my life. Some people say that the day they get married is the first day of the rest of their lives, but for me, this is MUCH bigger. This is a HUGE step for me. A lifestyle change that I have wanted for many years. I had no idea how to make the change, until now. I have read and read up on this, and I'm ready for it. The change....Weight Loss Surgery. Yes, I am embarking into the unknown. I'm putting on a brave face, ready to face whatever comes my way. Ready to make whatever sacrifices I must make to live a healthier, pain free life. To be "normal" again, to have energy, to feel sexy and beautiful. My daughter kinda freaked out when I first told her because of the negative things she's heard about weight loss surgery. I reassured her that the surgery that I have chosen is the safest one out there. I just told my best friend, who is behind me 100%. My wonderful boyfriend is the next to be told. I am not sure how he will take it, but hopefully, he will understand and back me up on this decision. He of all people sees the pain that I am in all the time. He sees me struggle when I stand up, so I think he will be happy to see me pain free for a change. Besides, I want to feel good about myself, I want to feel that I am viewed by him as sexy and beautiful. I want to be pleasing to his eyes. Nobody else knows. This is my decision, although difficult, it's something that I must do. This is my private battle that I've fought for many years. I have not expressed my unhappiness because I didn't want people to feel sorry for me or for them to know how sorry I have felt for myself. I love myself enough to do this. I love my children enough to do this. I must make myself healthy again. I must do something now, before it is too late. I am VERY proud of this decision, and hopefully, others will be too. :smile:

RABarras

February 2, 2009

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