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This is what i am.....this is what i have become

HELLO TO ALL!   I am a 22 year old guy with the band. i got the band 8 months ago. i wore a size 52 jeans that where tight, now im size 44 that are getting too big. i am 6ft 3in and was 380lbs, now, i am 293ish. to be honost i have a mix of extreme happiness and extreme anger. when it comes to being happy, wow, it is great. i can buy cLothes that are not from MENS BIG AND TALL, i can fit soooo much better in the chairs at movie theaters and the chairs at college. i have energy and 10X the confidence to approach women and people in general! BUT, i am so angry at times.......i see people from my past...mostlygirls from Highschool. these are the cheer leader types. the really "hot" girls. the girls that where only friends and no chance of being my girl-friend. they see me and say, "OMG is that you, gimme a hug, wow you look great, gimme a call this weekend, how are you" hahahaha this one girl i used to have a crush on even said "you are turning in to a hot guy" like im a mutant, ever changing for thier pleasure. when i was " really fat" i always wondered what is what like to be thin, i never was thin my entire life. i havent been under 300lbs since i was 15 until recently. i was always a funny guy trying to get people to like me, i wanted them to try to ignore my weight and focus on my personality. it workd to a point, but now.......that im getting thinner....i dont know what to think any more. all these people from my past are so nice to me, even my friends of many years give me more respect now that im loosing weight. IT MAKES ME SO MAD. its like i had the plague before and now, i am cured.... i never told any one of the band....i lied, i told people that i had my gaulblatter taken out. no one ever figuerd out i had the band. i told them i was taking health seriouly now. they bought my lie, the only people that know are my parents, not even my grand parents. i feel ashamed i got it done. i feel that i shouldof been healthy by myself.....believe me.....i dont regret getting the band, but i feel like im living a lie....im walking around with a huge piece of my self that i cant share with the people in my life. i had the courage to get the band, had the courage to stand up for myself and fight back when i got picked on in school, people realized that i wasnt i person to mess with and gained either their respect or fear....i hate it came to that.....but i wasnt going to become a door step for anyone....now that people respect me for my weight loss and my personality. i dont know how to handel this new life style. for the first time in myife people are judging me for me and not my weight..... im having trouble dropping my guard and letting others in to see me for me. For example, i met this great girl at college, i never told her about my weight loss so she could just see me or me. she is so pretty, and all i can think out is "would she of liked me 87lbs ago" so in my infinate "wisdom" i stopped talking to her:frown:. i cant getover that fact that, in my past, she would of just kept walking rigt past me. i am having trouble trusting people. i want to reach out to others now, dont get me wrong i had plenty of friends in highschool and college, but now, i dont know how to handel my self. i want to be social and fun and the guy people flock around, but i am loosing my self. i am a brain in a new body, its like an baby learnng to walk, i am in the fetal stages of my growth. i am growing but not ready to come out yet. i guess i need to start telling people i had the band, i almost did once to the girl from school, but i couldnt. i got to let go of this anger and be happy because im becoming healthy. but i must admit........my motivation for weight loss is anger and hate twords people. every pound i lose is because i am motivated by the people i dispise. every time i work out, i think of the people that give me their fake complements. ahhhhhh, i dont know what to do. i am still losing weight, but im having a hard time adjusting to my new me. any one got any thoughts? any thing would be appreciated.......this is what i am......this is what i have become.-FURIOUS ABYSS:thumbup:
FuriousAbyss1947

FuriousAbyss1947

5
 

How dreams can cut to the core of things.....premonitions? I dont know

what up to all,   well it's late...i just woke up from a dream and i needed an outlet for this one. ok, so in this dream i was in the middel of a tunnel, like a tunnel for a train. it was well lit and with overhead lighting that randomly winked on and off. the walls were made from the bedrock from the mountain side, dark brown and wet. i was in a surgery gown in the dream. i was confused in the dream and was affraid, but i couldnt explain why. i could hear a distant thunder rolling in, i knew it was a storm coming in, a bad one. the tunnel felt like protection, a refuge from the oncoming storm. i remember looking down at the pooling water at my feet, and the rain water was rising higher. i caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the water, and to my horror, i was drapped in hanging skin. it was like wearing a over coat of flesh. it hung from my face like wet towels on the clothes line. my stomach and back were also fashioned in the same way. i tired to get out of the tunnel, but all the excess skin triped me up, i was tangled in my own flesh. i kept thrashing and for my efforts, i was hindered even further. i made it to the mouth of the tunnel and looked out to see a baren landscape, no trees, grass, or wild life. at this point my myriad of extra flesh has just about consumed me, with my last breath i screamed with all i had left, the whole scene shattered like glass, and then i woke up coverd in sweat. for some reason my surgery scars itched. i heard about people who have lost limbs get "phantom pains", like the limb is still there, a ghostly reminder of what they lost. the dream could mean alot of things. first off, i never told anyone about my lapband, other than my parents. the empty tunnel and baren lanscape could mean i feel alone in this journey, which is the truth. the flooding water and the storm i think is my fear of failing, meaning putting all my weight back on. which is also the case, but that fear holds no weight since i lost 90lbs and havent put any of it back on. but the hanging skin is getting to me. i have been thinking of my body and when im done loosing all of the weight. i can see where i might need a tummy tuck and some lipo. but, i dont know. i am a 22 year old guy. i am still young, can my skin be pulled firm on its own? i do as much as possible to make sure it will pull back, i do enough weight lifting to kill a horse, but it will probably not be enough in the end. i dont have a problem getting some lipo or a tummy tuck if needed. but, i feel ashamed. i feel guilty about being over weight. i feel like all of this could have been prevented. i think, "well if would of taken care of myself, i wouldnt be in this situation, why cant i be like the other young guys and have control of myself". i know these thoughts are dumb, i mean this is my situation, and im dealing with it the right way. i just second guess my past all the time since i got the band. for example, with my extreme obesity (380 lbs at my worst and being 6'3) , i have damaged the lumbar region of my spine greatly. i have a couple bulging discs, spinal stinosis, and four cysts pressing on nerve roots. i am in constant pain because of this. i joke with my dad about this, i say "i got old people problems that you should have". but back to lipo and tummy tucks. i guess i feel embaressed about even having to get it done. even my parents think it would be a good idea to do. but, my super ego wont let the guilt go. i know there is nothing wrong if i would need to get some corrective surgery done and millions of people have done it, i just dont feel good about it. i suppose the important thing is that im doing it for all the right reasons, for me, my health, and to be the best i can be. also in the dream, i said the skin was holding me back from escaping the water. maybe it means that i feel trapt inside of myself, that once all the extra fat and skin is taken off my body, i will be free at last. after all i have been through, cutting the extra skin off will be the final act in this play. i hope it works like that, it sure sounds good. but once again i feel like this thorn in my side is from the tree i planted years ago. i have confidence in myself to see myself through all of this. i dont feel beaten down or defeated about my situation. i stopped looking for heros and saviours a long time ago, i know it is up to me to do the right thing. to anyone who read all of this, from the bottom of my heart, i thank you. i like coming on here and talking to you all, for lack of a better term, its like taking an emotional dump, hahahaha, i guess a better term is "venting". if anyone has any advice on tummy tucks and lipo please share, i really need to hear from people that have been there and done it. and if anyone has any other comments, please feel free to express them, i love to hear from all of you. until next time....STAY STRONG.....STAY MOTIVATED.....AND MOST IMPORTANTLY......STAY FURIOUS:cursing:
FuriousAbyss1947

FuriousAbyss1947

1
 

to the future.....CHRGE!!!!!

What up people!   well well welll....its been a long time since we talked. anyway, i had a rough patch there for awhile. i dont know if i depressed or what ever, i just know i was down for a bit. but, im back now and ill give you all a update for those who care. i still havent told anyone that i got the band, and at this point, i doubt i ever will. ask me why...and ill say i dont know. who will ever know what goes on inside my head, but at this point, im keeping it a secret like Victoria's, "know what i mean, hahah" so, iv really been thinking about the future lately. i watched this True Life episode on MTV and there were stories about young peolpe that are going through huge physical life changes. some girls got gastric bypass, another dude got calf implants. im sorry but, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. now that i got that out of my system, no...wait....i didnt. i mean CALF IMPLANTS, cmon, if that was my worst physical problem, i would be, ahhhh mmmm i dont know....jumping for effin joy. ok ok, since i lost a little over 90 lbs im looking better, im not hedious by any means, but i got another 90-100lbs to go. that would bring me down to 210-200 range, and im 6'3, so i think ill look half decent at that point. but the thing that worried me when watching this show was....i could relate to the guy in some way. i have been working out like a fiend. i mean sit ups, crunches, leg lifts, swiss ball exercies, and not to mention my cardio at the punching bag and hiking. im a mchine at this point. "I DO WANT THE PERFECT BODY" was "mr. CALF'S" quote, and i can feel where the dude is coming from. ive been a total slob my whole life. im not just talking about my weight, i dressed dumpy and everything. now...im as sharp as a dagger when it comes to dressing. i find my self talking to people i usualy would of never talked to, and getting complements for my effort. now, this dude on MTV was totaly self absorbed. he thought he was gods gift to women, men, and who ever else wanted a piece. im not down with that, i just can bring my self to that level....or want to. but, i do want that body. the body that people have to do a double take at. at first i was like, "ahhh, cmon Furious, that wont happen to you, that takes time and extreme dedication....deff not going to happen". now after 9 months post op and after about a trillion crunches, i can see it all coming together. im getting some deffinition around the ab area, and the rest of the body is falling in line. now, im not a shallow person, i didnt go through all this to get the "bowflex body", haha, ive seen that ad on tv like a million times now. but, its deff a bonus, since my whole life ive been extremely over weight. ive even considered Lipo....if it is needed when im all done. Because, now im hooked. ive seen old friends from the past and they cant get over how much i changed, even the ladies notice....and what guy dosent like that, i mean cmon. at this time last year, if some one would of told me of all i did so far, i would be like, "yeah right, get right out of town, that would never happen". not to tute my own horn but, "beep beep". i doing it and im like a freight train at this point, 9 months with 90lbs off. once again, "beep beep" i just hope i stay the same...know what i mean. i dont want to loose myself along with the weight. i want to still be the funny dude that people come to when they need a stand up guy to talk to. i dont want to become "mr calfs" at all. on a lighter note, some times i feel a little gay, "not that its a bad thing, cmon people im not that Furious" but i look at dudes with their shirt off, and im like, "ewww i want that body to be mine...wait...wait....no that one!" its a bit odd to be checking out guy's bods for ideas. hahahaha, but thats what im thinking. when i look at mens fitness mags at the supermarket, im thinking, "how long did it take Hue Jackman to get THOSE ABS!" its kind of like motivation, but it works. Well thats it for now. Please comment back, i love to hear from all of you, anything, good, bad, or indifferent. i got to go check out some more dudes for ideas, but enough about my homoerotic escapades, hahahaha, ill catch you on the flip side. oh and before i forget, what do you ladies look for in a guys body. i need real opinions from real women, and mostly that is all of you, so let me know what makes you all googelie eyed for a man, hahaha. STAY MOTIVATED, STAY STRONG......AND OF COURSE......STAY FURIOUS:cursing:
FuriousAbyss1947

FuriousAbyss1947

2
 

If you cant fight....use harsh language and dirty looks

WHATS UP PEOPLE-   another FURIOUS blog in front of your eyes! so its been day two of meeting random people up at school, nothing special happend today.......or wait.....i guess i did see something i need to coment on. now, as i sit here drinking a glass of wine and listening to some heavy metal......i am conflicted to wether or not i should tell this story....because i might be a few sentences fom offending you. WAIT.....NOW I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO READ THE REST OF THIS, HAHA IJUST SUCKED YOU IN, YOU CANT STOP READING AT THIS POINT, HAHAH, THE BLOG WORLD IS MINE!:toetap05: ok ok back on topic. i seen this guy up at school today. he is extermly overweight "no judgement from me" but he was worse than i ever was. so i took a seat and watched him, for what reason i do not know, but something made me sit a few seats behind him. but i wasnt watching him, i watched the people that watched him. people would openly walk by and stare like he was a 5 car pile up on the freeway. this one guy/girl couple even pointed "POINTED" these people are supposed to be i college, "meaning half way smart i guess". at this point i wanted to take action and start kicking some ass out of principle! but i just cant do that, that would be wrong, right? wrong like openly staring at someone that is exteremely over weight, that kind of wrong, right? so i wentover and struck up a conversation with the fellow and found out he was an avid painter and loved to read science fiction like my self. guess what, he is human! just like you and me. maybe the people walking by all wide eyed are not the humans, but the evil marshins from mars, sent here to make fat people feel bad about being a larger size. these evil space beings are the ones that make people afraid to ask a girl to the prom because he will know she will just laugh at him. these are the evil space spawns from the warp that makes kids comit suicide because there not good enough for "society" only the truth is much worse than evil space people, they are fellow humans. LISTEN PEOPLE, no matter how we deny it sometimes, people will hate us for who we are, ok thats fine, hate me, because the feeling is mutaual! but i see people that are over weight and do not stand up for themselves, it pains me to see this. i can say i never laid down for anyone, even when i was at my highest of weights "380" and i am not starting now "292". i have the physical scars to prove it. YES, i had to physicaly fight back a times in my life because i was fat, thank good i could fight, and thank god for friends that had my back. I pray that people dont have to go through that, but i must admit, it feels good to hurt the ones that hurt you. i do consider my self a god fearing man, and revenge is not right......but DAMN!, it felt great to stand up for myself and say yeah im fat.....so come get some tough guy! that hasnt happend for a few years now, but what is the lesson for the day. do not take "im sorry for the nasty language" SHIT from anyone! do not be meek inthe face of bullies or haters or people that hate you because of your size. some of us have the band and have lost our weight, some of us have more to go like me, 82lbs worth. some of us are still band-less. let me say to each and everyone of you. be strong, use peoples hate towords you, and turn it in to motivation at the gym or in a good jog. dont let it drag you down and feeling sorry for yourself. no one ever won a fight by taking a punch. and this is what we are in folks, a fight...a fight for health, respect, or what ever else can be taken away by being heavy. THIS IS THE FURIOUS ABYSS TELLING YOU TO BE STRONG, STAY MOTIVATED, AND THERE IS NO VICTORY WITHOUT SACRIFICE! HAVE A GREAT NIGHT FELLOW BANDERS:biggrin:-FURIOUS ABYSS PS-TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK, GOT ANY IDEAS, STORIES, OR WHAT EVER, I LOVE HEARING FROM EVERYONE OF YOU!
FuriousAbyss1947

FuriousAbyss1947

5
 

excuse me miss....i lost my number, can i have yours? PICK UP LINES FROM THE ABYSS

WHAT UP PEOPLE-   so, first off, thanks to all who read my last entry and commented, i really thought about what you all said. so starting today, im done getting so angry with people and just taking them fr what their worth. mostly new people, i cant think like i used to. like "would this person of liked me X number of pounds ago" i cant think like that, ill go crazy:lol:! so.....i started a new program for my self. every day at school "college" i will find and meet 3 random people....that i never seen or tallked to before. now, this is easier now that i have more confidence than in the past. i only way i would meet people up at school is because i either got stuck with them in a group porject or they started talking to me first. now looking back "flash back time"..."in black and white of course...like in the movies" i was very unfriendly if you didnt know me, i was just not happy in my own skin, once people met me, i always kept them laughing and having a good time. soooooooo, today was day 1. i met two women and one guy. see, guys meeting guys is real easy " im like what up bro, whens the home work due, yeah this professor sucks ass"! no, women are a little different, you cant be as crass with them, so i walkeup to one girl and said when is our paper do, blah blah blah, yeah i listen to that music, blah blah blah, yeah ill cya tomarow in class. hahahah now im 2 for 2, piece of cake so far. so i went out on a limb, i needed a challenge, i needed something that will get me on edge, something.......different. i wont mention her name but wooooo, super pretty, super popular, guys lay down for hear so she doesnt have to walk in the mud type of girl. the girl that would of walked right past me 87lbs ago, she isnt really my type, but a good oppertunity to start putting my self in situatuons im not really used to, yeah yeah, she is one of those girls that eat a half a little piece of food and is like "ohhhh im so full" acctually i hate her, hahaha. so i worked up the nerve and testicular fortatude and put sly smile on my face put a piece of gum in my mouth, walked tall and confident, and thought of the corniest pick up line i could think of. ok i wasnt really trying to get her number, but i wanted to put my self in an weird social situation to break open the shell i havebeen in since the band. so i slid up to her, looked her dead in the eye and said. "excuse me miss, i lost my number....can i have yours" she was stunned, she half smiled half gasped and said what. i said "you heard me" she was like uhhh i dont even know you, why would i do that, i said why wouldnt you and give me a good reason.she was like uhhhh because that was weird and the dumbest pick up line i ever heard. i said i know, im just playing around so whats your name. i acctualy talked to her for a while before she went to class. hahaha, i was so bold, hahaha. well the lesson for today is, when you want to do something....just effin do it. dont let people, your own hang ups, or anything get in yuor way. if you want to change, it can happen. well this is the Abyss saying "stay strong and remember, if the road is easy, the destination is not worth the walk. -   FURIOUS ABYSS:cursing: PS... PEOPLE LIKE US, WE CANT AFFORD TO BE MEEK ANYMORE, TAKE RISKS AND BE BOLD, STAND OUT IN THE CROWD AND SAY "HEY LOOK AT ME, BECAUSE IM THE BEST THING YOULL SEE ALL DAY":thumbup:
FuriousAbyss1947

FuriousAbyss1947

3
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