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The rollercoaster begins...

Tonight my family and I went out to eat for my Dad's 65th birthday. It was a good meal and generally a good time...except... My brother-in-law doubts me. I told him that though I am not being banded till the 19th next week (while I have been working on it) I am going to cut drinking during meals completely, and make sure I'm taking a long time to eat, and really chewing my food. I really want to be ready for the surgery to make this life alterring transition as smooth as possible. He laughed at me and told me I wouldn't do it. I don't like what he did but that didn't bother me to terribly, I don't generally care what he says. But then, the surgery was brought up to my Dad's girlfriend, and from her facial expressions you could tell that she doesn't approve of my getting the band. Which I suspected all along as to the reason why my Dad may not fully support this decision...but I need his support. I was talking to my 15th yr old neice Ashleigh on the way home about the fact that this isn't just some little surgery, ohh I'll heal and all will go back to normal, this is changing my life! And how much I need my family's support on this! We both started crying and so I guess even though I haven't been banded yet, infact I still have a few weeks, I guess my emotional rollercoaster has begun. Here's to the final countdown. And praying that I get the support I need to help me properly use my tool, even though I'm determind I know the road will get rough, I know that this is going to be hard, and I just need them to help me through it. :confused:
barngal2003

barngal2003

3
 

Back to the grinding stone..

So, after an interestingly short break I am back at school to finish out the semester. I have 3 classes, 3 exams and 1 picture show excuse of a lecture left to go. This weekend I'm going to Atlantic City with my cousins and hopefully relax a little to prepare for finals. Here's the stressor, I HAVE NO MONEY! :biggrin: So, I know I'm not the only one in this boat, but I have no job, bills rolling in, class to finish and PASS might I add, it's Christmas time :thumbup: and found out today that my Dad has to have a root canal the same week of my surgery. So, yay for feeling completely helpless and like a complete moocher on my Dad. My sisters are much older than me and still get financial support from my Dad, and I hate draining him, and now with my loans, my car payment, my apartment (which I'm trying to sublease), my surgery payments (which is on my credit card, and not cheap let me tell you!!!) and it just makes me want to cry! The trip to Atlantic City for the most part is going to be free....they are comped rooms, and free tickets to see Manheim Steamroller, and it's only two nights. I just need to come up with enough money to pay for my food, and maybe entertain myself for a few hours by like, a penny slot or something. Problem is, the little money I had, went to bills this week and after Black friday, I'm broke. Aside from my sense of complete and utter hopelessness, I watched House tonight, it was rather depressing, they called a girl who had a gastric by pass a cheater and hypocrite, and come to find out what was making her sick was the fact that she couldn't eat carbs and sugars, so it was basically be fat and unhappy, or skinny and sick and possibly die.....not exactly something I want to hear at the moment, but it won't change my mind. I just want January to hurry up and get here, then I can put all of this behind me, and hopefully get some type of job to help with bills, and be on my way to a healthier, happier me. I just wish things weren't looking so glum right now. :biggrin3:
barngal2003

barngal2003

2
 

82 lbs down, 66 to go!

So I'm down 82 lbs in just over 7 months. I'm ecstatic about being able to wear Victoria's Secret bras AND underwear again, being able to shop somewhere other than Lane Bryant for jeans, throwing away old underwear, shirts, bras, jeans, dresses, bathing suits!!...everything! NEW WARDROBE! :thumbup::thumbup: BUT...I still don't have a job, so my party is definitely rained on because my Dad and I don't really have the money to go buy all kinds of new clothes being that I still have 66 lbs to go and know that they too won't fit when it's all said and done. Not to mention, while I know I've lost, and I know people can see that I've lost, I still can't really see it. I see loose skin or flabby thighs and cellulite, while my family assures me that I no longer have a double chin, I still see it. Will my self image ever change? I find that in the last 2 weeks I've been becoming depressed easily, probably because I don't have a job and my weightloss had stalled for about a week, but I'm fighting hard to NOT allow myself to go back to emotional munching....not that I can because the first time I kind of slipped into it, did not go well at all! I ate and wasn't really hungry and of course it came back up...fun. :thumbup: So yeah, life is great except I have no job....I just hope that the weightloss continues and that I find a job soon..very soon.
barngal2003

barngal2003

4
 

Frustration and anger...

So here it is, a tuesday night. I'm getting ready for bed, but I'm frustrated....with just about everything in my life. My boyfriend is in town and I love him, I know that, but I'm beginning to question is I'm IN love with him anymore.....? He's my best friend, but he's sooo agrivating! When he says he's coming to see me, I'd really rather tell him to keep his butt at home, but I know I can't do that to him. He's been pretty much fantastic to me, but we are soo different! Why am I feeling this way? What's wrong with me? We've dated for 3 years now and talked about marriage, and now ...I'm home, for good, love being here, love my Dad, after all the problems with my sisters and their men I sit here and wonder if I even want to get married....? Why is life so complicated??? :toetap05: My Dad's out of town with his girlfriend, and of course everything around here goes to crap. All of a sudden we're getting snow and ice, our cows are knocking down fences, my uncle (God bless his heart, but he's lost his mind and needs to retire) is about like asking a 3 year old to do stuff around a farm....My friend Lauren called, her mom and hubby got into another fight. This time the cops got called, and he got taken to jail. The judge told her mom that it was her fault he hit her, HER FAULT!? WTF? Because she threatened to break his cell phone if he came any closer to her, boy did he, he got so close his fist touched her face! :confused: So not only am I dealing with the usual crap from my sisters, not having a job and bills piling up, I've been sick, my boyfriend is driving me crazy, my dad's out of town and everything is going to crap on the farm, my friend's mom was beaten by her husband, and yet, all I want is to lose weight.......Which while sick apparently now viruses kill my appetite, so I apparently stalled my weight loss because I couldn't make myself eat near enough during the day. I'm down 28 pounds, right at 300 pounds now, and dieing to get under it! But haven't had the time or energy since I've been sick to really exercise. figures. I feel like I'm running and running, and doing all that I can for everyone else but it's never enough. Why am I second guessing my boyfriend? Why do I feel like everything is hopeless in life? To top it all off, I really want to take a little vacation in march or july but I don't know if I'll be able to because of money, but yet my cousins apparently have money to blow and go gamble like every weekend....What's wrong with me? Why is it bothering me what they do? Are all of my questions just me being an unusually worrysome form of myself or is this part of that rollercoaster that's part of having the band? I just feel frustrated and angry right now, and I'm not sure why. I've lost 28 pounds, and I hope to go have another fill soon....so we'll see. Maybe this will just go away.
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

Chaos in my bandland...

So, if you've read any of my past posts you know that back in july i got a piece of tomato stuck in my band. They deflated my band completely, and then after about a month they started filling it back. When i got the tomato stuck, my band had 5.5 cc in it. I had fantastic restriction! I was losing at an awesome pace! Things were great!...after the tomato not so much they filled me to 5.8 cc and still i had next to know restriction. Despite my best effort to try to hold back myself. Apparently 5.8 is just a little too tight for now. At random, or so i thought, my band swelled shut. I found myself again in the er of my surgeon's hospital again having all of my fluid removed. That was just before Christmas of '09, right before my bandiversary numero uno, and went back this past week to find that at the very least my band has migrated.....meaning when they put it in at a 45 degree angle i.e. / (ok maybe not that high but you get the idea) it currently sits at _ (completely horizontal). :thumbup: They suspect when I got the tomato stuck i set things in motion for the slippage / migration. yeah, i did a lot of vomiting, or at least dry heaving during that time and the week prior to my "random" swelling i had also had some awkward vomiting...my surgeon has ordered an upper gi, and to meet with him this week to decide on what to do...meaning surgery to reposition my band. 2 thoughts....1..is it bad that I want to have it repositioned? I mean, I've been thinking that I've blown it, because since july i have lost maybe 5 pounds. I feel like ok, it that's what's wrong, reposition it, (i now have insurance so fix it!) and let me get back to losing my weight that i've waited my whole life to get rid of. I know it's a surgery but it's worth it if i can get back on track. while 90 pound loss is great, i'm not prepared to stop here. So i guess I'm really hoping that dr. schirmer will decide it needs to be fixed. Second thought...what if he doesn't? what if he decides that it shouldn't be fixed? I haven't been eating to the point of "whoa i ate way to much" or even to the point of vomiting. what do i do then? am i doomed to slowly regain my weight because of my band remaining empty? or struggle to lose 1 pound every 2 months kind of thing? I don't know that I could honestly not cry if he told me he doesn't want to operate to fix it. when he's already told me basically that i'm going to need the surgery and that my band has definitely moved....:smile2:   I guess at this point all i can do is sit and wait till after my upper gi and see what he has to say. i just hope that regardless i'm happy and healthy. whatever the result.
barngal2003

barngal2003

2
 

Still plugging away, and getting close to my first bandiversary!

So here it is, Monday November 9..so far my year has flown by. December 19, is fast approaching and I know with the coming of the holidays it's only going to begin to go even faster! So who knew that a small tomato at the end of july could set me back almost 4 months of weight loss!...In previous entries, I believe I told the story of how I had a restaurant tomato lodged in my band. They emptied my band, I gained like 10 pounds back and it's taken me till this morning to get back down to where I was the morning of the incident and plus 1 more pound. I do get really aggrivated about it, because up till my mishap I had down really well with my weight loss. As of July 28 I believe I had lost 83 pounds since my banding. Now here it is nov. 9 and I'm down 84. But I'm just trying to focus on the fact that I am back on track, and I knew I could get back on track, it just took time, extra patience, and more dedication to getting there. Now I just have to maintain it, continue the weight loss. When I got my band my goal was to be down 100 pounds by my bandiversary, I'm not really far from it, only 16 pounds. But I'm not sure that I can pull that off at this point. My weightloss has been much much slower. While I may be a little let down, when the day comes, I'm sure no matter what I'm down will make me happy. I've actually contemplated going back to diet pills to help boost my loss if at all. I haven't done it because I have trouble with large pills going through my band, so that's a big reason why I haven't gotten any, the other reason is, I think I just want to prove that while I do have a tool, a big tool, I can and am doing this on my own. So instead of diet pills, I bought a jillian michaels dvd and some hand weights...so far it's proven to be the right choice. :thumbup: I've lost like 3 pounds using the video and watching very very carefully what I eat. Afterall, we all know as we lose it'll get harder and harder to keep pulling it off. So I'm trying to quite literally tighten my belt. hehe. I must also say that I can wait to get my extra skin tightened up. It bugs me that I now have wings on my upper arms, and my stomach sits ......well not where it's supposed to....among other pieces of anatomy. I am however as of august engaged.:smile2: No date has been set as of yet, he needs to relocate to my area, he lives about an hour away. And of course I need a job, and not to mention a big part of it is, I want to be able to feel good about walking down an isle. You know, finish the weight loss and get the skin taken care of. I can't you how good it felt this morning to step on the scale and see that not only am I back to where I was before the tomato incident but I'm down 1 more pound from it. these last few months have been so frustrating since the months previously I'd been able to step on the scale and see that I had lost another pound or two and then to see it stop, and because of my own actions....didn't feel very good. I guess basically I just wanted to get on here and while no one may read this at least an update on my situation would be out there. I hope that everyone else has had a good run on their first year as well. And may we have many more. :huh2:
barngal2003

barngal2003

3
 

The help I need, to succeed

So, my name is Jecca...not legally but everyone calls me that who knows me. I currently weigh roughly 326 lbs. and I'm 5'10. I've heard that journaling and blogging thoughts can help relieve stress and stress is bad, so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I'm currently trying desperately to finish my BS from Radford University in biology. It's taken me 5 and a half years but hopefully it ends this december! The class I'm taking is a very hard one, and is only taught by one professor, who just happens to be the one who failed me last semester. The man truly has no soul, if I can pull a 60...just a 60 in that damn class I'm done! Not to mention that I've had all sorts of other things going on this semester and trying to prepare for my surgery. I'm so excited about my surgery that I can barely sleep at night. I just know that what I look like right now, isn't what I'm supposed to look like, isn't healthy, and I'm soo tired of the social stigmas that come with the package. I'm not ashamed of who I am, I know I've tried to lose it on my own, but I can't, I need help, I need a tool, and that's what the lapband is going to give me, the help I need to succeed. My Dad and middle sister Ann, don't believe that it will help me, they think I'm wasting my time and money, that if I just tried to lose weight I could do it, no doubt my Dad's girlfriend (who no one really likes) thinks the same is true. That really hurts. My oldest sister Lisa, believes that it can help me, that maybe I need this, but hates me to have to have any surgery because of the risks. I understand that, but I KNOW I need this! At times it seems like the only ones who TRULY get me, are my boyfriend Jeremy, and my oldest neice Ashleigh (she's 15). Jeremy has seen me try, he knows I give it my all, he knows what this surgery means to me, and he wants me to do it, but worries about me during the surgery. Sometimes I think I forget how much he cares, until he talks to me about the surgery and then I remember that he wants me to be healthy, and will love me no matter what I look like (although he says that he really doesn't want to see my butt or boobs go lol). Ashleigh on the other hand, I think she sees the social stigma parts only. My first surgical consult, she and my Dad were with me, went to the classes and everything! When the doctor asked me about how my weight effected my life, and I told about the kids in elementary school teasing me, the boys laughing at me if I had a crush on them, the people treating me like I'm a leper and not being able to do what I enjoy...she cried...my Dad asked her why, and she said it was because she didn't know how hard it was to be me. She of course is a bean stalk, but I think she sees more now that it's hard to be obese. I know that she's excited for me to have this surgery, and swears that on my post-op diet until I can eat solid foods again, she's going to eat only what I can eat, I won't hold her to that, but it's sweet. My Dad just wants me to be healthy, I know that, and I think that once I have the surgery and come out ok, and then start to lose the weight, he'll fully support me, Ann on the other hand, I've grown to almost not care what she says/thinks. As for my friends, the ones who know, they support me, and I know that's what I really need right now, less stress, more support, to get done with school, to finish reading the Beck Diet Solution and to have a good Thanksgiving. I've already told Dad that Thanksgiving is going to be basically my last supper, and so I'm going to literally pig out! I have 1 more class till Thanksgiving break, then 6 classes and 2 exams and it'll be time for my surgery. I can't wait, I just hope/pray that I can survive this class, and reward myself with the best Christmas present ever, starting a new life, of being healthy and a lot thinner. I remember in high school I weighed 180. I thought I could still stand to lose ohhhh another 40 or 50 lbs, maybe so, but when I look back at those pictures, I was slim, but not skin and bones by any means, and I looked good. Now if I can only get back to that. :willy_nilly:
barngal2003

barngal2003

4
 

the path of bandland isn't as straight and simple as we first think it to be.

The last time I wrote I was getting ready for an upper gi because my surgeon suspected that my band had slipped a little. I went for the upper gi and despite not really being able to eat, vomiting a lot, and everything that I eat hurt when it hit, apparently everything is perfect. the change in positioning was either a fluke or it fixed itself when they removed all the fluid. So here i sit, just over a year down the road, 90 pounds lighter, not where i want to be and questioning if i can pull off the last 40. i'm trying to cut back on my calories as much as possible, as well as up my exercise. i need another fill, my 2 cc isn't doing much of anything. i find i do better portion wise if i eat like 6 meals a day. not at all what they want me doing, but i get sooo hungry. and i can control it a little better if i eat more meals (small ones) more closely together. sadly since having the fluid out, and only 2cc put back in i've gained 2 lbs....i was up 4 but have since lost 2 back. hopefully i can get back on the horse and get a good rhythm going again with the weightloss. has anyone else had the problem where they can't seem to get a good green zone? i thought i had mine, dare i say i did. 5.5 cc. but i just had to get that stupid tomato stuck and since then (july '09) i haven't been able to get a GOOD restriction like i had! i mean before it was ....maybe 4 tyson chicken nuggets, or a side salad, or if i were particularly hungry the kids steak bites from texas roadhouse with a sweet potato, plain with butter on the side....that was fantastic restriction!.....i could get a serving of greek yogurt then and be good to go, even when i got back to 5.8 cc yogurt went right thru! not to mention everything else too!.. is it just me? or has anyone else out there had this problem too??? i can't fathom having gone into such tremendous debt to pay for this to have me possibly have blown it in the first year and be doomed to never see my finish line. meanwhile...i'm still going to the gym, farm work, and contemplating taking a belly dance class for the heck of it.
barngal2003

barngal2003

4
 

Talk about a stroke of bad luck

So today is thursday july 30th...this week is been horrible! I have to say if you don't have a strong stomach you may not want to read this blog. In fact, if it wasn't my own story and felt like I needed to get it out there I wouldn't want to read it either. :party: Anyway, everytime my Dad goes out of town I also jokingly remind him that something goes wrong, most of the time it's a farm thing, i.e. a cow has trouble calving and I have to pull it or something on the farm breaks, something of that nature usually...this time not so much instead it was me that broke. Literally. :eek2::frown::hurray: Last thursday, haha exactly a week ago I woke up in the wee hours of the morning with terrible pain in my chest stabbing thru to my back, I mean excruciating! I thought oh crap I must have missed a nut in my reduced sugar low fat ice cream last night and gotten hung...I'll flush it out with some fluids hopefully. So, I did, I was sore but thought if I had just like broths and took myself back to liquids the soreness and inflammation in my pouch and around my band would subside....apparently that takes longer than I thought it would. Saturday, in a hurry I foolishly allowed my self a wrap sandwich, I ate too fast and hung a diced tomato in my band... I could kill myself for doing it. I was with my sister who on friday had had to have a colonscopy and we were in a hurry to pick my neice up from a volleyball camp. Again, I decided to flush it, however this time, it was soo clogged that I couldn't keep anything down. By 7pm I was on the phone with my surgeon's office figuring out that I needed to drive an hour to his hospital which meant I had to go through the ER dept at that hospital and come to find out when I got there at roughly 9pm they were having a busy night. :smilielol5::cursing: So all day I hadn't been able to eat or drink, by that time I was dehydrated, hungry, hurting, tired and pissed at myself. They take me back at ooohhhhh 10:30, and I didn't leave till 1pm on saturday. During those hours I had morphine and phenergen pumped in me for pain and nausea, I had fluids for dehydration, xrays to make sure I hadn't misplaced my band, and a swallow study to make sure after they removed all of my liquid and my dear restriction that I could again swallow. For anyone who's had a swallow study done, you know that means drinking or guzzeling barium, the stuff that if you don't flush out of your system pretty quickly it basically turns to cement in your system. Anyway, they sent me home sunday afternoon feeling like poop, scared to eat because I have no restriction at that point and full of barium. By the way did I mention that morphine and pain pills also slow your digestive tract? It gets better. The morphine triggered a MAJOR migraine so monday I was back in the doctors office getting shots for it, tuesday I had an appointment to go see my surgeon about possibly putting back in some fluid....he decided to go with 2 cc. 2cc!!! I had 5.5 cc!!! Now only 2! I'm scared to death that I'm going to gain weight! He wants to wait 6 wks before adding anymore, till then I have to fight to keep off my precious 83 pounds which by the way I was hoping to have made closer to 93 by then..so I'm bummed there and scared to eat. So we leave my surgeons office and my family wants to of course eat, I go to the bathroom and realize that my barium has turned to brick and that no amount of pushing is going to help me pass it. I compare this experience to having children and have decided I don't think that I want any. After trying on the way home to the point of having a donut of hemorroids..that's right I said it, I'm 24 and now have hemorroids. My dear boyfriend bought me a laxative, in a hasty distressed moment I drank the whole bottle of phillips milk of magnesia laxative....:eek2: BIG MISTAKE! That's great of helping clear out the top part of my system but what about my cement brick? Ever hear of an enema? My dear middle sister decides to attempt to come to the rescue with enemas, preparation H, and tucks medicated pads...I'm mortified..that's about all that sums it up, mortified. I attempted an enema got a little bit of that brick to dissolve and evacuate the premises, but it hurt soooooooooooo badly :yikes: that all I could do was waddle to my room and lay down. It was all that I could do not to cry, or sob really..by the time I thought I could calm down my dear friend the laxative hit and completed the evacuation. Yesterday I didn't move much, hurt way too badly, this morning has been the first morning I've been able to even remotely think about farting, or even bending over, everytime I have I felt like my actual hole was going to fall out. So yeah, I'm pissed at myself I now have no restriction, in danger of gaining weight, and my butt hurts, really bad. Fellow bandsters take my lesson to heart, take time to eat and chew well, it doesn't end happily if you dont.:yikes:
barngal2003

barngal2003

2
 

In need of another fill..

So, I'm just over 7 weeks out from surgery and I'm down 30 pounds. :bored: While I'm very excited for the loss, I had hoped I would be further along by now. 5 weeks out from surgery I had my first fill, 3cc in my 10cc band. I haven't noticed much change in the amount of food I can hold per meal, but I am snacking less, or was.....:thumbup: My appetite is inching back up on me. In the last 2 days I feel like I'm a bottomless pit! :frown: So tomorrow I've decided I'm calling my PA, Ms. Dix and seeing if I can get in sooner than the 27th of this month. I really don't want to risk gaining any. Also, tomorrow I'm finally getting to join a gym tomorrow so that should help out, being that the last 3 days I haven't been able to do as much exercise as I'd like to. But I'm excited about it, hopefully it'll help keep my losing or at least keep me from gaining. In other news, my tat on the back of my shoulder, I knew had a little scar tissue which causes you to be able to feel the tattoo on the skin, but apparently with losing weight, I can feel more of the tat. Basically the entire outline now, where it was only part of the tattoo....ugh. Also today I have been unusually tired and not sure why. So, hopefully it's just a fluke but just incase I'm monitoring how I'm feeling....weird I guess.
barngal2003

barngal2003

3
 

What a week!!!!

So, last week, I believe I mentioned that my farm dog got hit by a car...too bad that wasn't the extent of problems last week! I went for my second fill last friday, the 13th, big mistake! My nutritionist believes that I'm doing everything perfectly and that it's ok for me to have a snack in the late afternoon, like nuts or fresh fruit. She also was very excited and complimentary about my exercise routine. However, I was still battling a lot of hunger issues, I felt like a bottomless pit! :frown: So, my PA Ms. Dix decided to give me a fill, but didn't tell my dad and I how much of one until she was done. I already had 3 cc in my 10 cc band, my surgeon told me that would be the largest fill and the rest would all be smaller...nope! She put in another 3 cc!!!! I guess I should've known it was trouble when I walked out of the office feeling the restriction and wishing I could burp....I couldn't eat lunch, it hurt too much, then couldn't drink my water and by that evening I was throwing up white foam, basically just my spit! She had way overfilled my band. I called my surgeon and he said to go back (which is an hour drive for me) to their ER and they would remove 2 cc of the 6. It took forever! It's like no one there understood that I literally could not swallow!!! :eek: By the time they finally got the doctor down there to remove it, and then finally was able to hit my reservoir, I was next to tears it was so uncomfortable and painful! However, as soon as the saline came out, I immediately felt 100% better! :mad2: Granted the next day is a different story, my stomach on the inside was sore, my port is bruised and sore from all the poking and prodding..but I've recovered well. But I promise you, I NEVER want to feel that ever again! EVER!!! Meanwhile, I am left with 4 cc in my band now, I go back in like a week and a half, hopefully if I do need a fill they'll make it ultra small, because man, that was horrible! I've been going to the gym everyday with the eception of saturday and sunday because of the gym hours, and I know I'm eatting right, paying VERY close attention to it, also trying my best not to snack, and I am definitely getting in my water, my thing is, I haven't lost any more weight since early last week. I understand that over the weekend I didn't worry soo much about what I ate but if I could keep it down from the soreness, I didn't eat that differently but just a little, so I guess you could say I've hit a plateau, but hopefully with perserverance I'll break through it soon. I just wish things would calm down a little....I feel like the last week and a half have flown by and left me dizzy. My dog is doing well now, she believes she's a fifty-some pound lap dog, but she's a sweety. My dad keeps pressuring me about a job, and I apply, I really do! I apply for anything and everything, and yet, I never get a call back! Even if it's volunteer work at this point, I have to do something...he's driving me bonkers about it, and I'm trying and don't know what else to do! Anyway, just felt like I should try and write some of this down before I blow up, but back to work on the house and farm....:confused:
barngal2003

barngal2003

3
 

Happy, yet fearful

Is it bad that I don't know how many days out I am from surgery? I mean I'm pretty sure it's like 3 weeks, and I go for my post-op next week on the 22nd. :cool2: I can't wait, I really hope he schedules my first fill, because I can tell that I don't have near the restriction that I should. :smile: I mean, at first I had some, not a whole whole lot, but a good amount, and now I feel like I could go back to my old eatting happits even though I refuse to. Also I've been picking up on the exercising. Doing a minimum of 20 minutes a day, and almost every day. I've lost a total of 18 pounds since the day before surgery, so I think I'm doing pretty good, but fearing that I've plateaued. I've found that I really enjoy the Atkins advantage bars and the EAS protein shakes. Getting in the 60 g of protein a day is getting easier little by little, so is the water. I just really hope that I can get a fill and continue to lose weight. Also, as a side note, apparently right now the joke that people ask me, is, "so have you wasted away to nothing yet!?" Oy....
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

A little frustrated.

So as of today, I'm down 24 lbs. Which is great don't get me wrong. :Banane37: But, it's such a slow process, and of course I woke up yesterday sick! :cheatfree: AHHK! So, who wants to workout when they feel like crud? I've layed around all day and done almost nothing, same yesterday, even though I made myself get up and do some cleaning both days, a little taebo yesterday (although that made breathing next to impossible so I couldn't do much) and tonight just some little strength training exercises; no real stressors though. :Banane37: I know I'm eatting less....I don't know the calorie count because my dietician told me to worry more about what I ate at this point, like keeping my fat intake down and my sugar intake low as well and of course get the protein in.....so I have been. I have yet to intentionally break my diet! :cheatfree: (my sister did trick me the other night with mac and cheese, of all things she put sugar in it!!! ) Which makes me feel really good but I just fear each time I step on the scales that my weight is going to go up and not down. I can handle the scale not moving, but to go up right now, even though I know that sometimes you're body will retain some before allowing a decent loss, like go up a 1/2 pound...but I feel like I'm not doing anything! It's like this is too easy, and it can't possibly work....???? That just like every other diet I've been on, my weight loss is going to plateau and then stop and I'll gain it all back and more, and after paying all this money, and going through this surgery I just don't think I could handle it. It's like dangling a piece of bacon infront of a dog who hasn't eatten in 2 weeks...ya know? I feel like it's taunting me, even though how could it be? I control it! It's my tool, the only thing standing in my way right now, is me...even though I'm trying..hard. I'm glad to be down 24 pounds, but I feel like I need another fill, ya know? It's not tight enough I'm still snacking a little and definitely eatting more than what they want me to at meals.:iagree: So what do I do? Right now I don't have the money to go join the gym like I know I need to, I don't have a job, I'm basically just a babysitter, receptionist, farm manager for my family farm which don't get me wrong, I love working on the farm, and so far the pay is good! lol Dad let's me live rent free, buys groceries and pays my bills, but he's strapped for money and I guess with everything going on, I just need to step back and take a deep breath and keep trucking it....here's a kicker, which I guess I should expect, but even though I've lost 24 lbs and most of the times before when I've lost that much you could tell at least a little, this time no one can see it. I feel a small difference in my jeans, maybe a small difference in my face, but otherwise, nothing. Where'd the weight fall off at? Oh well.....hopefully as I just keep plugging away at it, I'll feel better and hopefully soon get another fill.
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

My family and life are driving me crazy...

So another week is about over. Which puts me, I think 8 weeks out from my surgery date, or 2 months and currently my weightloss is 31 pounds. Which averages out to be almost 4 pounds per week. I know this is a good weightloss, despite the fact that I think I'm just depressed because I can't see it. But, I'm going in tomorrow for a fill. Unfortunately I'm not getting any restriction and I can't stay satisfied for very long...regardless of what I eat. I really hope this helps, it's been a long week. I joined the gym (curves) on monday with my neice Ashleigh. It figures that when found our farm dog a sweet 5 yr old lab in the front yard suffering from the shock of being hit by a car. So we didn't get to the gym tuesday, and we've been dealing with trying to get her healthy. She did survive the hit and extremely lucky might I add! She doesn't have any broken bones! But she did come out with a really bad laceration on her left back hock (ankle area) and her lungs collapsed and were badly bruised. She's very pitiful looking. She was hit tuesday evening and came home wednesday night for strict monitoring for the next 3 weeks. My poor big baby doesn't understand why we can't let her go work with us on the farm, and my indoor pups don't understand why she's inside all of a sudden....or at least they didn't at first. I think they got the hang of it when they heard her wimpering. :tt2: I just can't believe, I live in a small town, on a back road where everyone knows everyone, and everyone knows whose dog is who's and yet they hit her, left her and never even hit their brakes. :mad: I really want to find the person and make them feel the pain she has had to endure the last 48 hours.....:w00t: But alas, I don't think I'll get any justice for her. I'm just glad at this point that she's seemingly ok. So, yeah my nerves have been on edge this week, my sisters are driving me crazy, my dad wants me to take a job in NC and I don't want to leave home! :eek: The lady at curves asked Ashleigh and I if we had an stress in our lives...we looked at eachother and laughed....I know she didn't know but for us to imagine a life where we didn't have an intense amount of stress would be easy street. I mean, we've had doctors tell our family, namely my Dad, me and my sister Lisa that if we don't reduce our stress levels in our lives somehow, it WILL kill us. SOOOOO, I kinda want to move to Vegas and become a dealer in a casino.....yeah right...I mean I would but I can't/won't leave this farm. I love it too much...I just want to lose my weight and get a job and make ends meet, don't need much more than that, just survive..that's all. I guess just focus on the immediate and try not to think or worry about the future. :smile:
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

2 weeks out from surgery

I'm just over 2 weeks out from surgery and I'm feeling really good. I'm down 16 pounds from where I was the day before my cleanse, and the soreness is all but gone. I still get little twinges of pain in the port area if I twist wrong or if one of my little chihuahuas steps on it playing, but otherwise all is well. I'm working hard to get my protein and water in during the day, and I'm picking up my exercising. It's just been slow because I've had to take this week to move out of my college apartment back home, which was good exercise because I had almost no help. Anyway, I had hoped that the weight would come off a little easier, but it hasn't. At least I'm down 16 lbs, I mean I have to celebrate the little things right? I knew this was going to be a big undertaking and not a cop out to lose the weight, so if I can just stick with it, it'll be ok, besides I haven't even had my first fill yet! Anyway, hopefully my 3rd week out I will see another pound or so come off, I'm going to check into joining a gym this week, a curves and see because I know I need to be doing some cardio and strength training, not just walking and wii fit, although I have to say the wii fit hula hoop can get you sweating if you get into it, same with dance dance revolution (ddr)! I did that the other night with my neice and it was a quite nice little workout. Anyway, I just need to take it step by step and eventually the weight will come off....:thumbup:
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

Home at last!

First day back home!!! Yay!! :willy_nilly: I have to say, I can't wait to be back home for good, but I'll take what I can get! So after the events of thursday night, and yesterday, I thought last night I'd snuggle up in my old bed and go right to sleep, not the case. Good thing I have an appointment with my PCP on tuesday, hopefully he can give me something to help me sleep, since nothing else seems to work. I got my protein sampler kit from Bariatric Advantage!!! I'm excited to try the stuff in it this week. Althoug there's this one thing in there called "profect" it's like a protein shot in like a test tube, weird looking, they said you can take it as a shot of 2.9 ounces or mix it, even though the flavor of the one they sent me is blue raspberry swirl, I think I'm more hesitant about that one than any. But I'm definitely going to try it! So, I've been working on slowing down my eatting, and not drinking with my meals so that once I get the band, I'm not in complete shock. Last night, Dad took me out to dinner and we're very used to inhaling our food and then heading out, a meal for us at La Carreta, which is a normal dinner place for us, usually only takes about 30 min tops! Last night, I ate like 2 chips before my meal came, didn't drink any of my sweet tea until I had a bite of food that was, insanely hot temperature-wise!! And, the big kicker, we were there for well over an hour! My Dad needless to say was sitting there watching me eat for a good portion of the time because he as usual inhaled his food but at the end of the meal, I apologized for taking so long but again explained that I HAVE to slow down and work on not drinking, I can't just continue the way we used to do things or the $15,400 that I've spent to get this band will be a waste, and I'm not going to allow myself to do that. He nodded, I know he understands, but I still don't think he's fully behind the idea of the band. I can't say it doesn't bother me, but I'm doing my best to ignore it for now, he'll come around I know it, but for now, I'll just let him do his thing and deal with it in his own time. Come Dec 18th (my cleanse date) I know I can count on Daddy to see me thru. Anyway, I'm off here to go re-decorate my room, check in with my neice Ashleigh and probably play with my dogs......I love being home!!!
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

A constant learning experience..

So, getting the band is only the very beginning of the learning experience. In fact, dare I say I've learned more since I've healed than anyone could ever have taught me over the internet or seminar....nothing quite prepares you. It's not necessarily bad...it's just different. I've lost 51 pounds since being banded Dec. 19. Yay me! It's getting harder to lose though, I've found that I have to put more effort into it exercise wise than before. Which is understandable, but at the same time, I'm doing a LOT of physical activity...I go to curves about 3 times a week, work on our family farm 7 days a week, clean our house, and have taken up jogging about 2 or 3 times a week. Yet in the last two weeks I've only lost 1 pound. As far as the actualy band....wow it's finicky! :tounge_smile: Day to day I know I can eat kraft mac'n'cheese and cereal, like grape nuts. Anything else I may be able to eat, or may not. My band simply does not tolerate sushi :mad:, green beans, brussel sprouts, under cooked beans, eggs, pizza and greasy foods...oh and ham. :mad: While the sushi part really upsets me, the rest doesn't so much, just confuses me....Also most days I end up doing a little "dance" trying to help let burps out. Sometimes people end up looking, sometimes they ignore me...either way I don't really care what they do or don't do, because I know I can't help it. But emotionally, is a different story..I'm losing weight, feeling good, and good about myself, and have a lot more energy. That said, I fear that I've lost my feelings for my boyfriend. I don't know if it's directly related to my band, but all together I just don't know. :thumbup: I love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. He gets on my nerves, and gauks at me when I'm eatting, and I just don't feel the same about him anymore. We've talked about marriage but, I don't want to get married anymore, and certainly not to him. But I don't want to hurt him and besides I've always been the dumpee and never the dumper.. I just don't seem to know what to do. Aside from that, not having a job, and working on the farm, everything seems to be great. Perhaps things will figure themselves out soon enough.
barngal2003

barngal2003

2
 

The final countdown!!

It's the final countdown! Literally, I've been playing the song by Europe from the Rocky movie...it's fantastic. lol I have 2 finals, 1 monday and 1 tuesday and not only am I completely done with school, that will make it 3 days till my surgery! Sadly, as much as I am excited I have so much to do! Lots of work to do in the lab that I work in, a little studying for my finals (thankfully I don't have to panic about those), packing because I have to be out of my apartment by 12/30 now because the carpet people are coming to clean the carpets. So there is no shortage of work to be done before friday, I can't believe I'm finally down to less than a week before the surgery! I doesn't seem real, I've waited for over a year for this, and now that I am in the final countdown, I can't believe it's actually going to happen! This time next week I will be recovering from the surgery, at home finally with my family, and ready to get a job! I know I know, once I enter the big bad world I will want to be back in school, but sadly money makes the world go 'round and I have to pay for this surgery somehow! So I need a job, preferably a good paying one, but I will definitely take what I can get. I guess I need to prioritize my worries, lol Get myself graduated, finish the lab work and get home for the surgery....worry about the job and moving once I get healed. Too bad over worrying runs in my family. lol I can say though that is a better worrying. Not a panic by any means, just a relaxed sort of, hmm I have to get a lot done. :rolleyes2: Well, as excited as I am, sitting here writing all my feelings down doesn't get my work done, so I'm going to go head to the lab and do as much work as possible, then come back and clean and pack, one step at a time and it'll be friday before you know it!
barngal2003

barngal2003

2
 

Addicted to weightloss??

Another night home, alone and apparently my space bar just broke on my laptop....not a good thing by any means. :frown: I see why they warn you that people who have weightloss surgery are more likely to develop an eatting disorder. I'm beginning to worry about being addicted to the weightloss. Take this week for example...I've had an extremely good week, I've lost 4 pounds so far and it's just thursday. I realize that this is a fantastic amount to lose in a week, actually even borderline too much but what can I say? I want the scale to continue to go down...no matter! :cool2: I'm currently weighing 292 lbs, the lightest I've been in a very long time! I'm down a total of 36 pounds since surgery, so 4 pounds till I hit 40 and 3 pounds till I will be back in the 280's which has been even longer since I've weighed so little. :wink: However, I do have to say that I'm getting pretty frustrated with my spacebar at the moment..:wink2: But I'm getting in my protein every day, drinking my water, exercising and don't need to snack, but my servings are larger than what the doctor wants....but I'm losing well and not starving myself....so whatever works, right? I just can't help but feel like no one can tell I'm losing and I myself can only tell that I've lost a little.....Not what I feel like I should see having lost close to 40 lbs. But oh well I'll survive whether I'm down or not tomorrow...I'd just be happier if I were down! :w00t:
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

C'est la vie!

So, it's finally friday, last day of the week and the last class before my Thanksgiving break. It couldn't have come at a better time. Aside from doing my best to pass this last class, yesterday evening I spotted a knot or nodule on my boyfriend Jeremy's dog, Bailey. I had been watching the area for a rash that had appeared after a tick bite, and since catching things early is always the best wat to do it, we took her to the vet. Good news is, it's probably not lyme's disease even though we're going ahead and treating her for it, bad news is, after aspiration (draining out some of the fluid) of the nodule, the vet feels that it's probably malignant. I've had a past with cancer, a lot of friends and family have had it, some beat it by entering final rest and others beat it with medicines. Either way, they beat it, but the point is, just having a tumor removed isn't a death sentence anymore and for people who haven't experienced it, it can be very hard to grasp that knowledge. Jeremy is one of those people. So, I asked the vet to go on, remove the tumor and as much of the surrounding tissue as he felt necessary to make sure we get it all out, and then send the tumor to a veterinary pathologist who could tell us definitely if it's cancer and if it is what kind we're dealing with. So Bailey had surgery last night, problem is, as bad as she feels she let us know all night long. We picked her up at about 11 last night, and she was really disoriented from the medication/anesthesia, side effect of the meds...incontinence. Yep, all night long we constantly had to wipe her butt. All night. I mean literally all night. She's so pitiful she just wimpers and we know she can't help it, but man it smells and as much as we've tried to keep her in one area and keep her down so that we don't have it everywhere in the apartment, she's a scared and disoriented dog, so that didn't work. Like I said, Thanksgiving break couldn't come at a better time, tonight, I'll be sleeping in my bed at home, 2 hours away. I don't mean to sound mean but she's a big dog and I love her to pieces but, I will be sooo happy to sleep and not wipe her butt every few minutes. I just hope these effects wear off really soon. I worry that with the disorientation and she's now wearing a satellite collar and scared to death of it, I worry she'll do something and rip her staples out. On a different note, when we did get in last night, it was snowing. This morning, still snowing, and my class is 30 min away by mountain roads. Joy. I wish they'd cancel it, my little car doesn't like slick roads, but knowing the university and specifically the professor which has no soul, they won't. The other day I ordered a protein sampler pack from Bariatric Advantage and it arrived home yesterday, so I will be experimenting with that over the course of the break. Also trying to move stuff home from the apartment, and do homework for this crazy class. It just seems like there is always something going on in my life....and most of the time, it's not good things going on. But c'est la vie! I suppose.....:willy_nilly:
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

Here we go!

So I'm down to 4 days till surgery and I am sooo excited! My school work has fallen into place and now I'm officially graduated and having my surgery and I'm just so long over due for things to fall into place just once! I've noticed however, that I've become a lot more sensitive to little things people may say, even if I know they're ridiculous, like my sister tonight. She tells me on the phone that while she's ready for friday as well, she just wants it to be over, that she's apprehensive. I take it as she doesn't want me to have it, that she feels I don't need it. Which is ridiculous because she's supported my decision for the surgery since day one! I called her back and questioned her, and just about cried in the process because I want her continued support....Of course she told me I was crazy and I admitted that after thinking about it a little more she's right, the only thing she's apprehensive about is the fact that it's a surgery and it comes with the risks that all surgeries come with. I over reacted and I can't explain why, other than I guess I'm just getting close to my surgery date.....I'm just soo ready for it! Tomorrow I have my last final, EVER!!! And I'm taking a present to my mentor and lab professor and friend, then off to pack and load up and go home! Wednesday, I plan to do my post-op shopping and eat some sushi and mexican food, then ready to do the cleanse on thursday and friday is the day! Here we go!! It's like the rollercoaster is at the top of the hill, I'm peering over and ready to fly down it!!! WHOO!!!!! :rolleyes2::biggrin:
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

6 weeks out, down 25 lbs!

It's hard to believe that I am now 6 weeks out from surgery and down 25 pounds...I'd love to celebrate more at the moment but unfortunately I'm stuck in bed sick. What's different this time than before surgery and getting sick, is I find myself worrying more about what I take in. I made sure to get sugar-free cough syrup and cough drops, I'm trying to be especially careful about what I eat, although keeping my protein intake up. My sister suggested that since nothing else is seeming to work to keep my cough under control to try some whiskey and sugar to make a syrup like in "olden" days...is it bad that I refuse to try it for the empty calories? :cheatfree: I just really don't want to see the scale go up. I may not be able to exercise right now, but doesnt mean I can pig out either. Actually truth be told my hunger has all but vanished. Sadly I don't think it's because I've found my sweet spot but instead because I'm sick. As for the weightloss that I've had, I don't think anyone can really tell but, that's ok, as long as the scale keeps going down, eventually people will notice. My jeans are less tight, my boobs may be a little smaller, and my face a little thinner, but that's probably it. I'm not going to let it get me down, just want to keep trucking it, more like get better and get out of bed!! It's funny though the little changes that I've been going through...anything to keep the scale from going the other way (UP)....Oh well guess I'll go to bed now, attempt to get some rest.
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

First fill and post-op app

Today I went for my post-op appointment. It's been about 5 weeks since surgery and I'm feeling great, aside from hunger. I figured that he wouldn't do a fill today, because all of the paper work says so, but for whatever reason, they did one. It really wasn't bad. My sister said it looked horrible, but honestly, with no numbing agent or anything it was a breeze! :thumbup: Sadly they only put in 3cc to my 10cc band. While that's a start and maybe it'll help some, so far tonight it hasn't. :thumbup: At dinner, I still didn't feel satisfied until I'd eatten almost as much as I used to, and the goal is supposed to be 1/2 cup per meal, boy do I have a long way to go! I know it could take awhile to hit my "sweet spot" or the "green zone" but you can't blame me for being a little anxious after years of empty promises of weight loss and then finally getting it, ya know? I know I need to be patient and I'll get there, but I really just don't want to regain any of the weight I've lost since surgery....Right now I'm scheduled to go back for another fill in 4 weeks, but if this fill really doesn't do anything, I may call and see if I can go back in 2 weeks instead, because initially that's what they wanted to do, but because I'm a self-pay patient they were trying to make it easier I suppose on my wallet...Oh well, nothing to do but wait and see, and while I'm waiting eat right, exercise and attempt to find a job! :thumbup::eek: :tongue:
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

Slow and steady wins the race..

So here I am down 21 lbs!...and yet no real differences. I know it's because I have a lot to lose, but geez it'd be nice. I mean as far as inches go you can tell a difference, I've lost 2 inches off of everything around my torso which is great, and there are small differences in my jeans. But, the other night my Dad and I went to take our new church directory photo and wow, I was appauled at myself. I had grown my hair out to just below my shoulders and pulled it half back or whatever, and in the picture I had a moon face!!!! :frown: I mean really! I haven't had a chunky face picture like that since I was in ohhhhhhh 2nd grade! :thumbup: All I could think was, well good thing I'm down 20 at this point because I would have hated to see it at my heaviest!!! :tt1: I was really agrivated, I mean I know I'm obese and so forth and it will come off now that I have my tool to do it, but it was just kind of a shocker that even though I was down 20 lbs my face doesn't look any smaller. So because my hair was getting on my nerves and after the awful picture, I had my hair cut last night, it's a meg ryan doo from city of angels. I like it, it's cute, of course my dad's joke afterwards became, "Looks good, I wonder how much weight that took off!?" Really dad??? I know he didn't mean anything by it, but it did get to me. For those who may be looking to shake up their exercise routine my neice Ashleigh and I have been doing some fun stuff. Afterall exercise doesn't have to be boring. :mad: While of course I do wii fit, we've been bowling and not just leisurely bowling, get 2 lanes and kinda add a little competition to it, friendly of course, we've done taebo and pilates and...and this is a real fun one, we got these cardio dance dvds. One is from Dance with the Stars and the other is a hip hop one, and it was a lot of fun! Learning those dance moves and doing it full out, made me feel good about myself, and got my heart rate way up there! Honestly, if you like dancing and having a good time, just go buy one of these cheap dvds from wal-mart and try it. :cursing: Anyway, maybe I'll be able to tell that I've lost weight more when I hit 30 lbs. I'm just taking it 1 day at a time, and 1 lb at a time. And hey slow and steady will win the race.
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
 

Very determined mood...

Well, I went to Atlantic City this past weekend with my cousins, had a great weekend and relaxed before my finals!! Now it's time to kick butt! :blushing: I'm down to 11 days I believe till my surgery, and I am super excited! :biggrin: We joked all weekend about how once I have this done, and get a job (hopefully) because of our comps from the casinos we get free rooms, and most of the time we get really good and cheap airline tickets or just drive to the place so that cuts down on cost of travel, so all that's left is entertainment (gambling) and food, and once I have my surgery it'll be REALLY cheap to go, because according to my cousin Sandy, I can just nibble off of her plate. lol :thumbup: Yeah, I have to say, I know this is the beginning of my life, this is it! I have a dogwood blossom tat on the outside of my right ankle, a little above it actually, but it's the pink dogwoods. I got it in remembrance of my Mom who loved them, my religion because of the tale of how if Jesus were crucified on a tree it would have been a dogwood due to the now knarled trunk and the blossoms that go from white to pink that through his blood you can be cleansed. So yeah, I have the tattoo, and I love it, but I'm really thinking that I may extend it, like make it wrap down and across my foot and incorporate into one of the blossoms my rebirth (surgery) date, 12/19/08 and maybe a few little other things like my Dad's birthday or something, because he is very dear to me as well. I just feel so strongly about this being the turning point in my life, and I couldn't be more ready. I have support, I have the knowledge, the will, and soon the tool or means of doing it and I know that I can do this. If it takes a while ok, sure I'd like to be one of those who loses it quickly but I won't be discouraged if I'm not, I'm just going to do it and prove those who thought I couldn't, those who laughed or stared, the sabotaging lil devil inside my head, and anyone else who dares doubt me, I'm going to prove them wrong, I'm going to do this, I will be healthy, and I won't have to listen to my doctor nag me anymore. I refuse to walk into a casino again with my gorgeous cousin Sandy and have them hit on her and laugh at me, act as though I don't exist. I don't need them to hit on me, but don't scoff at me, don't laugh, don't tease, I'm human too. It's time to show the world who I am and what I can do...ya know? I have one more lecture in my class, and then 3 exams, (a bit much for one class I think, but whatever I'll do it and be done). I go home on the 16th after my last exam, to do shopping and preparing, the 18th I cleanse, and the 19th is the day, this week and weekend are going to fly by, and I'm ready for it. In other news, I really love to play blackjack and spanish 21...those are so much fun! :wink:
barngal2003

barngal2003

1
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