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About this blog

No more waiting until someday. This blog is a collection of my thoughts, frustrations, celebrations as I participate in life and work hard at being the person I want to be on the outside!

Entries in this blog

 

What is wrong with me?

I've eaten Easter candy and ice cream. I'm sabotoging myself. I was hoping I could hold out and not have a fill but I'm realizing I need it. I can eat pretty much anything and as much as I want. I'm not making the right choices and I've gained 3lbs. I hurt my back on Easter sunday - I've never hurt my back before. I simply got up from playing with the kids on the floor and had a pinch in my lower back and I couldn't stand up straight. It was so very painful - I could barely walk. I didn't even go to work on Monday and I never miss work. Anyway - I think taking it slow may have helped my port pain - actually I think I've been compensating so much for that pain when bending certain ways that perhaps I created this lower back pain injury. Anyway - it just tells me that I need to exercise, stretch out my muscles and strengthen them to hopefully help that I don't have this happen again. I was hoping to be smaller by my next business meeting - well its next week - and I'm not any smaller. Also my birthday is in 2 mos - guess I won't be where I'd hoped by that time. The worst part is, that its all my fault. When am I going to fix this? When am I going to make the right choices? Am I greiving the loss of food? I have felt a little depressed about not being able to eat what I want and I've noticed myself eating like I'll never get to eat that stuff again. Self sabotage. I think I'm PMSing also. Lovely.   I'm going to order that book - on cognitive re-learning - its at my local library so I think I'll do that before I go and purchase it.   I'm going to make myself a tip jar - things to distract me in the moment where I want to eat something.   I need to get myself straight! I need to buck up!:smile2:
LifeStartsNow

LifeStartsNow

4
 

Still nothing lost.....almost gained!

So I'm eating solids. I've learned that chicken is hard to eat and so are eggs. humph! So much for good protien sources! I ate dark meat and very carefully and seemed to do better. I called the dr today and told him about the 'pop' and burning sensation at my port that I felt the weekend before last. I called because last night, when I was attempting to roll over and lay on my stomach, I got a very sharp and burning pain at the port area. I woke up and its still sore. I got a little worried that I really did pop a stitch and totally screwed something up. The dr said it could have been scar tissue that popped. That makes a lot of sense and I sure hope that's what it was!   One thing I'm learning - is that I'm good at eating around the band - as some have called it. I find that I don't want to eat solids, don't want to eat the protien first - want to eat what's easy and painless to eat. But that's not what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong - to not have lost anything - and I find I'm eating refried beans, mashed potatos, soups, very soft veggies. I'm also drinking with my meals. All stuff I'm not supposed to be doing. So today I'm focused on eating that (dark meat) chicken - no drinking - and I found b/c it was so hard to eat - I ate much less over a longer period of time. Helloo? That's what I'm supposed to do! I got on the scale over the weekend, noticed that I gained a lb overnight. I weighed myself tonight and found that I'm back to normal. I'm also finding comfort in reading posts from people who are also not losing even though they're doing a fairly good job following the rules. The nutritionist said not to get too discouraged by the big losses I'm seeing from other people - that sometimes it depends on the bmi - the higher the more someone 'might' lose. Regardless, its disappointing to not have lost more by now. I had such dreams (as you can see in my signature) of being much lower than this. I just need to get off my butt, start walking on the treadmill, and stop eating soft foods! I AM getting enough protien, I AM getting my daily vitamin and cholesterol medicine in. All very good things! I AM 15lbs lighter than I was a month ago! I AM going to get through this and someday look back on this 80lbs lighter and appreciate how far I've come! :wub:
LifeStartsNow

LifeStartsNow

4
 

I can't figure it out -

I'm struggling with figuring out what and when things are goin g to get stuck. I ate a tiny piece of grilled chicken - like I'm supposed to - without drinking and had one of the worst stuck episodes ever. I threw up that dense foamy crap and was stuck for a long time. I've got it down that I need to drink something warm, coffee inthe a.m. - I understand that I'm tighter in the a.m. and have to be very careful. No problem. But at lunch especially - I can eat some small bite of pasta salad and be fine. The next minute, its stuck. An hour and a slime later, I can eat anything I want with no issues. I'm starting to think that its almost like the band needs to be 'primed' with something to eat about 10 mins before you actually eat your lunch. Maybe that's the trick. I didn't eat all a.m. (not intended) then ate at 2pm - made some protien rich - tuna with light mayo to make it down easy - and one bite and its stuck! Foamed, slimed, spit for about 15 mins in the office bathroom and I was fine. I find myself gravitating towards soft foods - and catch myself -I'm eating avocados, soups, potien rich lentil or black bean soups. I seriously have trouble with the protien rich foods/meats. What is up with that? I've got to figure this out!!
LifeStartsNow

LifeStartsNow

2
 

First Fill - did I do the right thing?

So I finally scheduled my first fill, one week ago on Wed. I'd gained 5lbs in the past month b/c I truly could eat anything and did. I think I was mourning food - so afraid I'd never be able to enjoy eating again.   The fill was very easy, I'm using fill center usa and used the same weight loss doctor that I've been going to for years. She used a needle to numb the area up and after a few misses (you could feel and her slipping off the plastic side of the port a few times) she hit it. I was relieved only b/c I really and truly thought I had flipped my port (see episode of a pop and burning sensation about 6 weeks after surgery that must have turned out to be scar tissure after all!) Anyway, she would put a little liquid in, pull some out. When she put too much in, I could feel my throat closing. It was like that feeling you get when something gets stuck. Its kind of a panic filled feeling b/c when you get something stuck you know the misery that comes next. She would barely pull a tiny bit of fluid out and it would go away. All the while I was drinking a cold, cold bottle of water so I could tell if the water rushed down or not. Well, in the end I ended up with 1.8 cc in my 4cc capacity band. I thought that was a lot! She said everyone is just different and that testing using the water is the best indicator. Great experience at the dr, no problems, etc.   Well, I followed instructions, drank protien shakes the first day, mushy food the next. WELL, when I tried to eat solids that's when I got scared. I ate some salsa and one bite of fajita chicken on the 3rd day at lunch and it was horrible. I had to ask the friend who drove me twice to pull over on the way back to the office b/c I was salivating so badly and had to spit. I actually threw up once on the side of the road. I felt like such an idiot - they don't know I had the band and they MUST have thought I had the swine flu! Anyway - I couldn't swallow, foam-like spit came up and it felt like I had to burp but couldn't burp or swallow. And that Pain in my throat -UGH! THAT's precisely when I thought - did I do the right thing? Is this what its going to be like for the rest of my life? Is this what it feels like to be too tight?   I was really questioning myself - I WANT to eat, enjoy, savor, cook, experience food - I just want to eat LESS! NOT feel like this!! I thought to myself - I PAID for this myself - what did I DO??   Well, I had to tell myself that I'm learning. I probably ate something too soon, didn't chew enough and I need let my body calm down from the fill - just like I had to allow it to settle in and calm down after the band itself. What I AM learning about this whole process is that I have to be kind to my body - allow it to heal and accept these changes at a slow pace. My job and my personality means I rush, rush, rush! Well, when I rush through eating - eat a large mouthfull and don't concentrate on really chewing the food. I'm going to pay the price. And THAT IS what I paid for. It is at just those times, that I overeat, eat too fast, eat the wrong things.   So, I've had a few more similar episodes since - from eating one too many sweedish meatballs at IKEA to going to a mongolian grill with my husband and eating one piece of pinapple and excusing myself to the restroom to spit up foamy spit for 30 mins. I know that's my body trying to get that food un-stuck!   I'm learning - I'm learning! And I've lost 3 lbs in the week since the fill! Finally the scale is moving again!
LifeStartsNow

LifeStartsNow

3
 

One Month banded today...

I just realized its been one month since I was banded. I've lost 15lbs, 10-12 the week before surgery on a liquid diet, and only 3-5lbs since surgery. I am able to eat normally and am going to be scheduling a fill in the next week. I feel disappointed that I've not lost as much as I've seen other people lose. But I am trying to follow the advice I'd give someone else which is to not give up and realize that everyone loses differently and at different paces. I do miss eating the way I used to - I also have not been perfect. It has helped me to understand that I'm not perfect and as everyone says - the band isn't going to do it for you. You still have to be motivated and driven to lose the weight and stick to a diet that would make you lose weight even if you didn't have the band. The band is there I think just to help you eat less and not feel so hungry. We can all eat more, but you have to make the conscious choice not to do so. I am secretly scared that the pulling pain and burning I feel when I lean forward or bend the wrong way is a problem with my port having detatched or come lose on one side. Has my body built up scar tissue that has atttached itself somehow in my abdomen so when I lean over that's why it hurts? My 40th birthday is in 2 months. Where will I be then? I'm afraid to predict b/c I've clearly predicted WRONG already. I calculated I'd lose 25lbs by now and I've only lost 15. I'm also traveling for business in a few weeks, I really wanted to have lost a lot of weight by then. My friends at work in other cities are training for marathons and triathalons. And here I am! I'm not the fit one - not yet anyway. What is it going to take to get me back to the personal trainer and on the treadmill everyday? I think I need the motivation of seeing the scale move and I hope a fill will do that for me.......
LifeStartsNow

LifeStartsNow

6
 

Am I going to make it or am I going to fail?

I've done well sticking to 3 weeks of full liquids after surgery. I kept remembering Dr. Ortiz telling me that the most successful people stick to his reccomendations. My full liquids have been mostly soups, tomato, black bean, cream of asparagus, cream of chicken - you name it, I've had it. I added mashed potatos a few times in week 2 b/c I really needed it. I was so fatigued and tired all the time. I also began taking super whey protein shots last week. I actually really like them. They're almost like tart candy. Anyway, I'm religeously tracking my calories on calorie-count.com. In this last week I'm averaging between 1100-1200 calories per day. I'm not working out and know I need to start on the treadmill and personal trainer deal. I've just been so darned tired! Officially, on Monday, I'm supposed to start eating solid food. (Ortiz doesn't believe in the mushy stage). I've started eating solid food now. I can eat a graham cracker, I tried scrambled eggs for the first time and *almost* had one of those slime moments. I just kind of felt that little 'warning' of don't eat any more. I've felt the stuck/sliming feeling once. I was not thinking, ate a piece of my daughter's bananna nut muffin without properly chewing and it was painful - like a lump stuck in your throat and you can't burp even though you want to. Your mouth salivates like crazy so all you want to do is spit b/c you're in too much pain in your chest to swallow anything! It only lasted about 2 mins and it was over. Don't want to do that again! I've realized how cool it is to not be hungry all the time. I think the band 'massaging' the vegas nerve at the top of your stomach is really working. I never fully understood that. I asked so many times on this board and I just couldn't get it. Now I GET IT! You could eat, for sure, but you're not like I gotta have this or that. I've got to dissuade myself by drinking water, or crystal like, or a cup of coffee but I never get ravenous like I used to. That alone is awesome. I hope it stays that way. Its subtle - but a controlable hunger. Way cool!:cool2: So, I'm not losing as quickly as so many others on this board. I'm constantly amazed by people losing 20lbs in 2 weeks since surgery. I was 236 exactly 1 week prior to surgery. I did the 3 protien shakes a day and according to Dr Ortiz's scale was 224 on surgery day. That's 12lbs in one week which doesn't seem real. I weighed myself and was like 228 the day before surgery. Anyway, here I am, almost 3 weeks post surgery and I'm sitting STILL at 222 lbs. So maybe I really was 228 and I've lost 2lbs per week in the 3 weeks since surgery. BUT STILL - why aren't I losing all the weight like everyone else here?? I KNOW my calorie intake - I'm not going above 1200. And in the first week, I'm lucky if I got 600 calories in. If I were hearing that from someone else, I'd tell them, slow and steady wins the race. I'd tell them to be happy to have lost a total of 14lbs in the last 4 weeks. I guess I was just hoping for more like 20 lbs. :frown: I'm starting solids this weekend - 2 days early - but I know that's what my body needs and can handle. I'm listening to my body. I'd also tell myself that I need to work out - so I've just got to make that happen. I'm going to stay on board - be kind to my body and this wonderful gift of a lapband and be gracious. NO NEGATIVITY allowed! I'm also going to use Soups - since I've learned they are soul soothing and like a comfort food. I find if I have some warm soup - it just makes me feel cozy - which is, I think, a lot to do with what I used mass amounts of food for in the past. To soothe my soul. Its why I could never get enough - or I couldn't find the right thing to satisfy my craving for comfort and fullness. Now that I have that - I'm also working on my work/life balance. Focusing on spending less mind energy on work and more on my kids and my family. More time on knitting, sewing, and yes even cooking! I'm learning to NOT waste calories/what my stomach can hold on bits here and there while I cook. I want to sit and savour it and savour it for a looong time. My scars are healing quite nicely - a couple of them I can't always find right away - so that's good. The port incision site is still sore. I can tell my port is right below the incision - I can feel the little bump that must be the port. I hope they look better and better and disappear! LOL. I have 3 months until my 40th birthday. What will I weigh on my birthday. I have dreams of weighing like 190-180. That would be 30-40lbs in 2.5 mos - not a healthy goal. At 10lbs per month, I'll only be at 198 - if I'm lucky! Now, that just feels depressing....:frown:. But its better than where I am today. I just wanted to look really GREAT on my birthday. :biggrin: Ok, enough pity party. Stick to it - Duke University study shows lap band patients lose their weight in the first 12-18 mos. So will I! I'll make it! I hope solid foods give me the energy I need to turn the corner and start dropping weight - or have it just fall off- like everyone keeps talking about. Is that really going to happen to me?
LifeStartsNow

LifeStartsNow

4
 

Its the beginning!

After my employer changing to new insurance, I learned that I missed the opportunity for my ins to pay for the lap band. So I spent 7500.00 of my own money and paid for the procedure with Dr. Ortiz in Mexico. I was banded on March 9th, and am now 10 days out from surgery. I was apprehensive and fearful right up to the last minute, but I just convinced myself that deep down I really wanted to do this. I've thought about it for 2 years and my fears were rooted in proceeding down a path of unknowns. I enjoy food, I enjoy cooking, I find so much joy in cook great, comforting, wonderful meals for my family. So, knowing all of that may change for me - its scary. I had just returned the week prior with my husband and friends from a trip to Mexico for fun and a LOT of wonderful food! I returned weighing the most I've ever weighed in my life - 236 - that's even more than when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I saw the pictures from that trip and knew this is what I need to do. I almost backed out at the last minute-but right now - 10 days out - I'm really glad I stuck it out and conquered my fears and did it! I didn't feel so hot for the first 7 days after surgery. According to the dr's scale, i weighed 224 the day of surgery - that was only 9 days after I weighed in at 236. I know a lot of that was obviously water weight - but I stuck to 3 protein shakes per day to lose as much as possible and shrink my liver before surgery. On the 7th day after surgery - I woke up and felice t 1000% better. I had the gas pain, deferred shoulder pain - although that didn't know up until about day 4. I felt very weak and concerned I wasn't eating and drinking enough. I did clear liquids first 3 days, and on day 4 full liquids. I eat a lot of tomoto soup, chicken broth, protein shakes, and the occasional graham cracker with cream cheese. I must admit, a few days ago I ate ice cream. I haven't had any since and I've been averaging 900 calories per day. The first 5 days it was very difficult, since I started eating more calories, I feel so much better. One of the things I could never understand is how it would feel. When I eat too much - its very uncomfortable. And I do feel hunger - and I want to eat so much more than I can. I'm adjusting now to dealing with the want to eat and the need to eat. I want to feel soothed and warmed and cozy by eating more. Not being able to is difficult - but I'm learning to drink tea, coffee, milk to make myself feel soothed. Its not the same but its something. I'm concerned that I'm able to eat anything - I ate the corner of a pop tart with no problems, I ate a few pretzels with no problems. I'm also eating mashed potatoes and refried beans. I'm not supposed to be for 21 days - so after doing that for a few days - I feel like I can go back to only protein shakes and soups. I needed the texture, the saeity of the potatos and the refried beans. I'm using calorie-count.com and I'm learning I'm consuming too much sodium and not enough protein. Today I put Genisoy protein powder in my Starbucks coffee - it was bearable. I'm also taking Centrum liquid vitamins. I'm also learning that my headaches are due to dehydration. After surgery, my weight changed to 226 and I'm at 224 today. I think once I drink more water and more protein my body will respond. I'm trying not to get too depressed by seeing all the weight other's have lost. I've read and re-read mamaMichelle's blog - she's an inspiration to me. My next goal is to begin exercising. 2 years ago, I worked out a lot, lost 30lbs but since gained it all back after having my daughter. I'm ready to eat like a 'normal' person and not think about food all the time. I'm ready to be healthy and start my life over as I'm turning 40 this year. I'm planning to run a half marathon this September (I walked it last September) and I hope to be as physically fit and healthy than ever. Best of luck to everyone here, what a great board, great group of supportive people just like me. Life starts now! :thumbup:
LifeStartsNow

LifeStartsNow

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