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And so it begins...

I've always struggled with commitment. In my head everything was easily accomplished, every goal seemed attainable, but reality told a very different story. Turns out the only thing easy for me to do all these years, was lie to myself. So here I am, ready to come clean, be honest with myself and take control of my life. Food is my drug of choice. It's my addiction. I am not any different from a heroin junkie. They have track marks, I have stretch marks. Bottom line is an addiction is an addiction. I've alienated people. I've sought comfort in food. I've chosen food over people. I chose food over life. But no more. It ends. It has to, or I'm not going to make it and not making it isn't an option for me. I saw my primary physician a couple weeks ago. I broke down in her office and told her that I needed help. I had some lab work done and it revealed that I have developed the early stages of diabetes and hypothyroidism. My thyroid levels were 6 times the level they should be, and consequently, I was prescribed medication for both ailments. Since I had also not been sleeping, I had a sleep study done this week and was told that my apnea was one of the worst the technician had seen. Realizing all of this, taking it all in how much damage I had done to my body at such a young age, was simply put: overwhelming. But rock bottom and all that stuff, right? I've certainly hit it, it seems, and it's time to scratch and claw my way back up. I have an appointment with a dietician on the 22nd, and the initial appointment with the banding surgeon on December 8th. I think I'm making progress in the right direction. Now it's just a matter of getting through all the bureaucratic bullshit. Apparently my insurance covers the procedure, so I'm looking to have the surgery at the beginning of the year. Anyway, in the meantime, I figure I'll use this blog to write down my thoughts and hopefully get a better understanding of my relationship with food since that's going to be critical to my success.
lapbandgirl4life

lapbandgirl4life

3
 

Support

I guess part of this life altering beginning also involves evaluating the people I surround myself with and whether or not they are supportive.   I read an article not too long ago that if you have fat friends, losing weight is going to be that much more difficult. Well, my best friend is also overweight and like me, she is trying to shed some pounds. The only problem is we are light years apart when it comes to motivation. Sometimes I can't even be around her because she'll start complaining, which I know I'm supposed to be there to support her, but what about supporting me? Usually I feel like my feelings are being dismissed.   Who knows. Maybe I'm the baby. But when she tells me that she's eating a cinnamon roll and granola bar for breakfast and in the second breath bitches about not being able to lose weight, I swear, I wanna scream! lol. :cry_smile:
lapbandgirl4life

lapbandgirl4life

3
 

Cold

Well, I've caught the seasonal cold that is making the rounds. My nose is like someone turned a faucet on. The upside is that I am not at all hungry.   Anyway, I got my cpap machine and apparently I am a mouth breather. Lovely huh? Boy oh boy I cant wait to drop this weight so I dont need that stupid machine! I guess I wouldnt mind it, but when my throat is raw or I wake up feeling like I'm suffocating - it's a little off-putting lol.   Wednesday is weigh day and I'm excited. I also see the nutritionist, so we'll see what happens then. I am still waiting for a call from the mental health clinic for my psych eval. It'd be really nice to get that out of the way already.
lapbandgirl4life

lapbandgirl4life

1
 

down 5 pounds for the week.

I'm down 5 pounds for the week and I feel really good about myself. I saw the dietician today as well as a fitness coordinator, so now, as of tonight, I've started coordinating exercise into my diet routine. I also spoke to the doctor and she was totally supportive of banding, which was a great relief.   Things seem to be rolling in the right direction and I couldn't be happier. I am scheduled now for weigh in's at the doctor's office every 2 weeks, so that additional structure should also help me get through this critical time. :confused:
lapbandgirl4life

lapbandgirl4life

1
 

Weigh day! Weigh day!

So Wednesday is my official weigh day, and I've dropped 12 pounds in one week by sticking to a 1200 calorie diet. It's really been a boost for my confidence. I had a mini goal set to lose 29 pounds by December 8th, but I think even when the weight loss slows down a bit, I'm still going to easily reach that goal. So yes I'm very pleased! I also have my cpap machine now and slept 12 freaking hours! My face hasnt looked this rested in years!
lapbandgirl4life

lapbandgirl4life

1
 

Food Journaling

For the last few days I've been keeping stock of every single thing that I eat and when I eat it and how I'm feeling when I do eat it. Needless to say, I didn't restrict myself so I could get a glimpse into my honest eating habits.   What I realize now is that I need a freaking hobby! I get the urge to eat for no reason whatsoever. I won't even be hungry and I'll want to gorge on something. My stomach will be full and I'll want to eat just a little bit more. I eat a lot out of boredom. I am totally out of control.   Today that changes. I went shopping yesterday and have bought healthier selections and I have a plan. And so far, so good.   It's crazy though how when I wake up, the first thing on my mind is FOOD. I had to actually talk to myself this morning to prevent myself from gorging like I normally do when I first get up. I've decided to wait an hour or so. Wake up. Get a clear head, and then eat a sensible breakfast. Eventually I want to incorporate a morning exercise before breakfast, but I will start that next week.   So this morning I had 2 eggs, 2 slices of bacon and 4 oz of unsweetened grapefruit juice. Lots of protein and very satisfying. It was also a good calorie intake total of 360. My goal is to lose 29 pounds by december 8, which is my surgeon consult. According to my food diary/weight planner, if I stick to right around 1200 cal/day, I can achieve this goal. :cry_smile:   I nearly forgot. In a couple hours I'm meeting with home health to get fitted for my CPAP. I truly cannot wait. I think I'll feel so much better and have a lot more energy once I start sleeping again.
lapbandgirl4life

lapbandgirl4life

1
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