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About this blog

This is my journal towards weight loss. This is where I can come and put everything out there. I have kept my decision to myself. The only person besides my doctor that know is my husband. (I finally told my best friend too!) My kids know I had surge

Entries in this blog

 

10/30/08

10/30/08 The trip back from Denver was long. My left shoulder started getting that pain that comes from gas on the diaphragm. I was happy to go to bed. By 10:00pm I was ready to cry because of that feeling of someone stabbing my in the shoulder.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

10/29/08 surgery day!!!

Well I guess it's my turn to tell my surgery story. The morning of surgery I didn't have to be at the hospital until 9:30am, but I woke at about 7. When we got to the surgery center we sat in a waiting room that looked like a doctor's office until they called my back to a bay area. They were not very busy and everyone was THE BEST!!!!! Jan was my pre-op nurse, Caroline my OR nurse and Dr. Johnson was my anesteseologist. They wanted a urine sample, I got dress....or maybe I should say undressed in my gown. Scopolamine patch behind the ear, a pepcid pill, a zofran pill, an IV, levaquin hung since I am allergic to Keflex, decadron in my IV and one other IV med I don't remember. After all the questions Dr. Johnson was such a dear and pushed some versed IV. I love that drug of amnesia! I think I was in preop another few minutes, but I don’t remember it. I woke up in the Recovery Room. Renee was my nurse. She didn't have quite the sweet disposition that the others had, but she was nice. I was out of it in recovery. My surgery started about 11 and my hubby was called by Dr. K at about 12 and he said he could go back in about 20 min to see me. It was 1:30 when he called back about me and found out I had just woke up. Dr K and Dr. Johnson both came by to see how I was. Dr. K said that he had to repair a small hiatal hernia. (I wonder By 2:30 I had gone to the rest room and was ready to be dismissed from the Recovery Room. I am doing pretty well. So far I haven't had a lot of shoulder pain and my incisions are uncomfortable. I don’t' like narcs, but I will take my lortab for my 7 hour drive home today. No nausea so far. I have found if I eat my jello too fast I get a little chest pain so I will nibble slowly. I haven't named my band yet. We have barely been introduced. I see how it goes.   I love being a member of the band!
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Decision Time - August 2008

After my brother’s wedding I finally made the decision to have the lap band procedure. I don’t know where or how I will afford it, but I have decided to move forward. I spoke to Brad and told him why I wanted to do this. By the time I was done telling him why I was crying. He said yes we can after we sell our other house. Little did I know and lucky for me he wouldn’t hold me to that time table.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Eating isn't fun, but I think that is okay...

11-14-08   I have come to the point where eating is not fun. I made this great epiphany during my pre-op diet. Remember how this goes…. Eating is for survival. It is to get enough nutrition to live. That is its main focus. It is not a reward. It does not console us. It doesn't take away boredom It doesn't listen to our problems. It is a fair weather friend....actually not even a friend at all. It is that bi*chy girl in jr. high that we thought liked us, but only pretends to until she can stab us in the back. I eat my protein and start on the rest and I find that to finish the 2-3oz of meat really loses the luster. Part of it may be that I’m not changing things up. (First a bite of one thing and then another.) Don’t get me wrong the protein I’m eating is very tasty. I’m getting used to not drinking with meals, but I think that is part of it too. I never realized just how much fun and fulfillment (no pun intended) I got out of eating before. I need to find some activity to take its place. I know that behavior is learned. I used to enjoy eating and tolerate physical activity. I need to learn to tolerate eating and enjoy physical activity. I guess I already have the first part down.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Keep on paddling and stop drifting in the water....

This weekend was a tough one for me. I cheated both Saturday and Sunday. I haven't eaten less than stellar for 2 days in a row since I was banded almost 6 months ago. I was doing well and the weight was dropping, but just like every other time I concetrated on my weight or a certain goal I started to drift in the water.   It is like being out in the middle of ocean. If I look at how far I have to paddle my little boat to find dry land, I start to give up and think that drifting will eventually get me somewhere. It also happens when I paddle hard and when I have almost reached land I think that it won't hurt to take a little break for the day and before you know it I have drifted back a few miles (pounds). If I stop concentrating on all of that and just know that every day I have to paddle all of the sudden I look up and I am on the beach! Does any of that make sense to anyone but me?   I have a stupid NSV for you. I bought a belt. Okay...that isn't it. I actually wore the belt yesterday with jeans and my shirt tucked in. I am starting to tuck in my shirts! That is another NSV. It only took losing 90 lbs to get me to that one!   Well I have shared the fact that I had surgery with some of my friends. I did have one say during the conversation when I said that I am working hard she added that I couldn't have done it without the surgery. I know it is true, but there it was and I feel like it be-littles the hard work I am putting into my weight loss journey. She didn't mean it in a bad way and I'm sure doesn't think I gave the comment another thought. I know more people with think and say things like that as more people find out. There is part of me....a big part of me that wishes I would have just kept it to myself, but you can't unring a bell.   I am still proud of what I have done and will continue to do it. I just have to remember to paddle........ everyday........ without fail........ I will be on the beach before I know it!
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Food isn't my friend. It isn't my enemy. It is neutral.

10/22/08   I messed up. I have given up bread, pasta, rice and potatoes. That is my pre-op diet. I have been doing ok and I have lost 14 lbs. Tonight I forgot my ah, ha moment. I had a test and I failed. I went out with friends and I failed. I suffered a last supper. I thought I will have what I am craving and I know it will be full of fat, but I won't be breaking my diet. I won't go into it. I know many of you are on clear liquids. By what I had was breaded and I didn't think about it until after I was done. Of course the 3 grey goose and cranberry juices didn't help. I screwed up. So now I have to ask what did I learn from this. I learned that I need to remember that when socializing food doesn't make things more fun. That was my ah, ha moment. A few weeks ago I realized that food is not supposed to be fun. It is there to survive. It isn't fun. Fun is shopping for regular sized clothes and making love to your husband and feeling sexy. Fun is rock climbing and jumping up and down when you son makes a great miniature golf shot. Fun is sitting in a chair and feeling comfortable without a table in from of me to hide my body. Fun is not eating. Food doesn't want me to feel good. Food doesn't make me feel better. Food isn't my friend. It isn't my enemy. It is neutral. It is there to sustain life.   I flunked my test, but instead of feeling like giving up like I usually do I am going to learn from it. I wanted to get in the 260's before my surgery. I may have just cost me that milestone. I will survive. I will achieve. I will learn from my mistake. I will research and be prepared the next time I am invited out with friends. It may take more work....but a skinnier butt is worth it!
julie.ann

julie.ann

2
 

I've met some goals...Time to set a few more!

1-16-08     I have hit some of my Non-Scale Goals. My goals include being comfortable sitting in a chair without having a table to hide me.
Being able to cross my legs and be comfortable. (especially in an airplane)
My kids being able to hug me and put their arms all the way around me
I realized after my son’s game last night that I was comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching him play. I wasn’t completely self conscious like I used to be. I can cross my legs. I’m not completely comfortable doing it yet, but I’m getting there. Tonight after school when each of my boys gave me a hug they were able to lock their hands together behind me. WOW! Three months after surgery. Who would have thought!   My next goals are to · Weigh less than my husband · Be able to use a regular size towel and rap around me and have it stay. · Still working on crossing my legs comfortably. · I will be flying in April. I want to be more comfortable on an airplane and not wonder if the person next to me is wondering how they got stuck next to the fat chick. · I am planning to go parasailing! I wouldn’t go last year when I was at the beach in April because of my weight. I plan on being in onderland this year so I can’t wait to go!!! Whew! That is a lot! Here I go……
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Acceptance......and a good bye to another Christmas.

12/26/08 Well I went back to the gym and worked hard. I have been gaining and losing the last 2 lbs over and over for about 10 days. I was so smug before thinking that I was lucky and doing so well….I guess it happens to everyone. Christmas is a hard time to diet. No doubt about that! I guess I should be happy if I don’t gain any weight this week. At one point I was 0.2 lbs away from my New Years goal. Now I am about 1.5lbs away. I don’t know if I will make it, but if I don’t make it by New Years it will be okay because I will make it soon. Ever since I really started focusing on that goal I haven’t done very well. I need to go back to the philosophy that said even if I mess up or don’t lose as fast as I want to I will lose it. It is ok not to be perfect. It is ok to mess up as long as I get back up and keep going. I am going to mess up. I have to expect it. That way it won’t hit me so hard when it happens. It will be ok and I will keep going and keep losing! I have to accept a new chapter in this Lap band book. I have to give up pizza. :embaressed_smile: I have been eating pizza occasionally. Too often lately. It has been around a lot. Today we helped some friends move. (I am actually exhausted and I don’t think I am going to make it to the gym tonight. I will tomorrow.) Anyway they ordered pizza for the group. I got stuck and started sliming at lunch and at supper. I thought I just wasn’t watching my bites well enough and I probably wasn’t, but I think it is time for me to accept that I have gotten tighter and that means no more bread. Not even pizza crust. I thought I would be upset and just want it more…but to tell you the truth I am kind of relieved. I think I needed an excuse not to eat it. My will power had failed me recently. It is time for me to get back to basics. I found out today that my grandpa passed away. I wasn’t close to him and the only reason I am going to the funeral is to support my mom. She needs some closure. Now my sister her 4 boys and my mom are coming home. That means I don’t get to surprise them this spring/summer with my weight loss. Oh…I guess I still will when I hit onderland, but it just won’t be as big of a surprise. I am still not planning to tell them about the lap band until I in onderland and much closer to goal so now I have to watch what I eat and not let them figure out what is going on. We’ll see what happens. I know that they will think that I went off the deep end if I tell them before there are more results. I need them to say “WOW! I wish I had done that!” Anyway….good bye Christmas. Parting is such sweet sorrow. I love you and hate your snacks and I can’t wait until next Christmas when I plan to be at goal! I pray it will be true!
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
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