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About this blog

This is my journal towards weight loss. This is where I can come and put everything out there. I have kept my decision to myself. The only person besides my doctor that know is my husband. (I finally told my best friend too!) My kids know I had surge

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Education...Phase 4

Well my education seems to have just begun. I know some of you may know me. I was banded almost 6 months ago and I have lost 90 lbs. So why do I say my education has just begun?   I think Phase 1 is learning about the band and making a decision. Phase 2 is pre-op and post-op. Phase 3 would probablly be learning to live with having this tool. Well I am just learning what it means to be banded with a band that has not only hit the sweet spot, but reminds me at every meal. (Phase 4) I had my fourth fill 2 weeks ago. My fills usually take 10-14 days to really take full effect. I don't know why, but I have talked to many other bandsters that have the same phenomenon. Well this one started working immediately. So I was a little worried about what would happen 10 days later. Well now I know. Now if I don't take very small bites and chew, chew chew I spew, spew spew. Sorry, but that is the truth. I had PBing/vomiting twice two days ago, once yesterday and once today. I am begining to remember. Things have definitely changed. For instance this morning for breakfast 2 pieces of bacon and a tiny nibble of eggs was all that would go down before I could start to tell I had enough.   I have been lucky enought to have great results so far without the real "intense" restriction. I can't eat much now and have to take small bites. I hope that once I get used to this restriction it will help the lbs drop off. I am ready to get home from this conference and get back into my routine. I miss "the usual" stuff, and I miss my Wii Fit. I haven't weighed in since Monday. I'm am going through withdrawl.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

A letter to my Doctor and his office staff....

I have been thinking about my band and my life. With a 7 hour drive home after my (3rd) fill there is alot of time for thinking.   I know that this monster I fight called obesity is a tough one. I have started to look at how it has affected my life.   Although my weight did keep me from doing a few physically active things with my family I have found that it was the emotioinal and psychological damage that my obesity caused that hurt the most. I would use my weight as a reason not to go out with my family. I wasn't comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching a game and if my kids were playing I would go to watch them and leave as soon as I could. I thought that no one would want to socialize with me because I was so obese. Sometimes I put it off on others. I judged them as unfair because I just knew that they were judging me.   Since I have lost over 70 lbs in this short time I have come to realize that I was holding myself hostage. It wasn't my weight that was keeping me from socializing. It was how I felt about myself because of my weight. It was how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin and how uncomfortable I felt with how I looked.   Having the gastric band procedure has helped me change a lot of my habits. It has helped me change what I eat and how I look at food. I have learned that I feel better when I eat healthy food and that portion control is just as important as food choices. I learned that it took me about 3 months for this to become a lifestyle. I have learned that I may lose weight by following the rules, but I will lose it much more quickly and at a rate that I am happy with if I exercise at least 3 times a week. I have learned that I am not perfect and every day is a new day to make the right decisions. I have learned the difference between head hunger and real hunger.   I think the one thing that Dr. K told me that has helped me more than anything else is when he said, "Don't eat unless you are hungry." I am a smart person. I know that is the way it should be, but hearing him say it just made it click in my head. Now if I want to eat something I ask myself, "Am I hungry?" If the answer is no I go back to what I was doing. I started that the first day of my pre-op diet and I ask myself that question every day. Sometimes I even find myself thinking, "Boy I wish I was hungry so I could eat that!" This band is not a magic pill. I am working hard for what is happening, but I know without the band it would not be happening. This is the best weight loss tool I could ever imagine!   I love going to my fill appointments (and not becuase of the 14 hours I spend on the road in a day.) I love it becuase the staff is so wonderful. You (Natalie) and Mary make me feel welcome. You have since the first day I met you. Even before I met you when you answered my email on a Sunday night! That meant a lot to me, when I reached that point that I just had to do something and reach out to take that first big step to contact your office.   When I come in for a fill Dr. K looks and my weight loss and says "Great! Do you think you need a fill?" and then he really listens to the reasons that lead me to believe it is time for a fill. His extensive experience and his low price made this dream for me come true. I never thought, being self pay, I could afford this with a hubby and 3 kids. Dr. K made it possible!   So I have to say thank you. Thank you for giving me my life back! Thank you for helping me to take my life back.     Julie Ann Surgery Oct. 29, 2008 Start/Now/Goal 285/210/142.5
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

Decision Time - August 2008

After my brother’s wedding I finally made the decision to have the lap band procedure. I don’t know where or how I will afford it, but I have decided to move forward. I spoke to Brad and told him why I wanted to do this. By the time I was done telling him why I was crying. He said yes we can after we sell our other house. Little did I know and lucky for me he wouldn’t hold me to that time table.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Eating isn't fun, but I think that is okay...

11-14-08   I have come to the point where eating is not fun. I made this great epiphany during my pre-op diet. Remember how this goes…. Eating is for survival. It is to get enough nutrition to live. That is its main focus. It is not a reward. It does not console us. It doesn't take away boredom It doesn't listen to our problems. It is a fair weather friend....actually not even a friend at all. It is that bi*chy girl in jr. high that we thought liked us, but only pretends to until she can stab us in the back. I eat my protein and start on the rest and I find that to finish the 2-3oz of meat really loses the luster. Part of it may be that I’m not changing things up. (First a bite of one thing and then another.) Don’t get me wrong the protein I’m eating is very tasty. I’m getting used to not drinking with meals, but I think that is part of it too. I never realized just how much fun and fulfillment (no pun intended) I got out of eating before. I need to find some activity to take its place. I know that behavior is learned. I used to enjoy eating and tolerate physical activity. I need to learn to tolerate eating and enjoy physical activity. I guess I already have the first part down.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Food isn't my friend. It isn't my enemy. It is neutral.

10/22/08   I messed up. I have given up bread, pasta, rice and potatoes. That is my pre-op diet. I have been doing ok and I have lost 14 lbs. Tonight I forgot my ah, ha moment. I had a test and I failed. I went out with friends and I failed. I suffered a last supper. I thought I will have what I am craving and I know it will be full of fat, but I won't be breaking my diet. I won't go into it. I know many of you are on clear liquids. By what I had was breaded and I didn't think about it until after I was done. Of course the 3 grey goose and cranberry juices didn't help. I screwed up. So now I have to ask what did I learn from this. I learned that I need to remember that when socializing food doesn't make things more fun. That was my ah, ha moment. A few weeks ago I realized that food is not supposed to be fun. It is there to survive. It isn't fun. Fun is shopping for regular sized clothes and making love to your husband and feeling sexy. Fun is rock climbing and jumping up and down when you son makes a great miniature golf shot. Fun is sitting in a chair and feeling comfortable without a table in from of me to hide my body. Fun is not eating. Food doesn't want me to feel good. Food doesn't make me feel better. Food isn't my friend. It isn't my enemy. It is neutral. It is there to sustain life.   I flunked my test, but instead of feeling like giving up like I usually do I am going to learn from it. I wanted to get in the 260's before my surgery. I may have just cost me that milestone. I will survive. I will achieve. I will learn from my mistake. I will research and be prepared the next time I am invited out with friends. It may take more work....but a skinnier butt is worth it!
julie.ann

julie.ann

2
 

Keep on paddling and stop drifting in the water....

This weekend was a tough one for me. I cheated both Saturday and Sunday. I haven't eaten less than stellar for 2 days in a row since I was banded almost 6 months ago. I was doing well and the weight was dropping, but just like every other time I concetrated on my weight or a certain goal I started to drift in the water.   It is like being out in the middle of ocean. If I look at how far I have to paddle my little boat to find dry land, I start to give up and think that drifting will eventually get me somewhere. It also happens when I paddle hard and when I have almost reached land I think that it won't hurt to take a little break for the day and before you know it I have drifted back a few miles (pounds). If I stop concentrating on all of that and just know that every day I have to paddle all of the sudden I look up and I am on the beach! Does any of that make sense to anyone but me?   I have a stupid NSV for you. I bought a belt. Okay...that isn't it. I actually wore the belt yesterday with jeans and my shirt tucked in. I am starting to tuck in my shirts! That is another NSV. It only took losing 90 lbs to get me to that one!   Well I have shared the fact that I had surgery with some of my friends. I did have one say during the conversation when I said that I am working hard she added that I couldn't have done it without the surgery. I know it is true, but there it was and I feel like it be-littles the hard work I am putting into my weight loss journey. She didn't mean it in a bad way and I'm sure doesn't think I gave the comment another thought. I know more people with think and say things like that as more people find out. There is part of me....a big part of me that wishes I would have just kept it to myself, but you can't unring a bell.   I am still proud of what I have done and will continue to do it. I just have to remember to paddle........ everyday........ without fail........ I will be on the beach before I know it!
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

I've met some goals...Time to set a few more!

1-16-08     I have hit some of my Non-Scale Goals. My goals include being comfortable sitting in a chair without having a table to hide me.
Being able to cross my legs and be comfortable. (especially in an airplane)
My kids being able to hug me and put their arms all the way around me
I realized after my son’s game last night that I was comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching him play. I wasn’t completely self conscious like I used to be. I can cross my legs. I’m not completely comfortable doing it yet, but I’m getting there. Tonight after school when each of my boys gave me a hug they were able to lock their hands together behind me. WOW! Three months after surgery. Who would have thought!   My next goals are to · Weigh less than my husband · Be able to use a regular size towel and rap around me and have it stay. · Still working on crossing my legs comfortably. · I will be flying in April. I want to be more comfortable on an airplane and not wonder if the person next to me is wondering how they got stuck next to the fat chick. · I am planning to go parasailing! I wouldn’t go last year when I was at the beach in April because of my weight. I plan on being in onderland this year so I can’t wait to go!!! Whew! That is a lot! Here I go……
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Acceptance......and a good bye to another Christmas.

12/26/08 Well I went back to the gym and worked hard. I have been gaining and losing the last 2 lbs over and over for about 10 days. I was so smug before thinking that I was lucky and doing so well….I guess it happens to everyone. Christmas is a hard time to diet. No doubt about that! I guess I should be happy if I don’t gain any weight this week. At one point I was 0.2 lbs away from my New Years goal. Now I am about 1.5lbs away. I don’t know if I will make it, but if I don’t make it by New Years it will be okay because I will make it soon. Ever since I really started focusing on that goal I haven’t done very well. I need to go back to the philosophy that said even if I mess up or don’t lose as fast as I want to I will lose it. It is ok not to be perfect. It is ok to mess up as long as I get back up and keep going. I am going to mess up. I have to expect it. That way it won’t hit me so hard when it happens. It will be ok and I will keep going and keep losing! I have to accept a new chapter in this Lap band book. I have to give up pizza. :embaressed_smile: I have been eating pizza occasionally. Too often lately. It has been around a lot. Today we helped some friends move. (I am actually exhausted and I don’t think I am going to make it to the gym tonight. I will tomorrow.) Anyway they ordered pizza for the group. I got stuck and started sliming at lunch and at supper. I thought I just wasn’t watching my bites well enough and I probably wasn’t, but I think it is time for me to accept that I have gotten tighter and that means no more bread. Not even pizza crust. I thought I would be upset and just want it more…but to tell you the truth I am kind of relieved. I think I needed an excuse not to eat it. My will power had failed me recently. It is time for me to get back to basics. I found out today that my grandpa passed away. I wasn’t close to him and the only reason I am going to the funeral is to support my mom. She needs some closure. Now my sister her 4 boys and my mom are coming home. That means I don’t get to surprise them this spring/summer with my weight loss. Oh…I guess I still will when I hit onderland, but it just won’t be as big of a surprise. I am still not planning to tell them about the lap band until I in onderland and much closer to goal so now I have to watch what I eat and not let them figure out what is going on. We’ll see what happens. I know that they will think that I went off the deep end if I tell them before there are more results. I need them to say “WOW! I wish I had done that!” Anyway….good bye Christmas. Parting is such sweet sorrow. I love you and hate your snacks and I can’t wait until next Christmas when I plan to be at goal! I pray it will be true!
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
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