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About this blog

This is my journal towards weight loss. This is where I can come and put everything out there. I have kept my decision to myself. The only person besides my doctor that know is my husband. (I finally told my best friend too!) My kids know I had surge

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A journal entry from August.....A flashback from the begining.

I'm sure this is something you have either heard before or have experienced. I am scared of getting banded. Not the surgery or the change in lifestyle, but....what if I don't succeed? Am I hiding behind my limitations and once I have this there is nothing to hide behind? I have lost weight and gained weight and lost it again and found it plus some. I know how to lose weight. I am looking for the tool to help me make this a change of LIFE.     I am thinking that I don't want to tell anyone about it. I don't want people to say, "Yeah, she had surgery. She HAD to have surgery." I think part of it is that I am embarrased to admit that my weight has started to impact my everyday life. From the rare airplane ride that I have started to dread because of the seats and the seatbelts to the difficulty with intimacy with my wonderful sexy husband because I feel too self conscious about myself.   I don't want my kids to know. I guess I feel that I have failed on my own and I need help. A lot of help. I feel like a failure.   Oh please don't be mad at me. I don't feel like everyone that has surgery is a failure. In fact I have been very excited since I made the decision to take this big step. I guess it is the ups and downs of feeling crappy about myself. I recently got together with my sisters and I was the biggest one. Three of us have always been big, but this time I was the grossest. I have been looking at pictures today. At 5'4" and 275lbs of course I look bad. Sometimes you just don't know until you have to look at it. I dress professionally everyday for work, but I can't even cross my legs. I don't feel comfortable just sitting in a chair unles I have a table in front of me to lean on and hide behind. I do feel that some people are less than welcoming to me because of my weight. I want to change that. I want to be able to cross my legs. I want to be able to enjoy traveling because the seats are comfortable. I want to put on clothes and feel good. I want to wear a size 16 or less. How sad it that? I want to wear a size 16. People who wear a size 16 hate that size and feel too big. About 8 years ago I have a thyroid disease and lost weight. I weighed 170 lbs. I desparately want to feel that way again. I want my husband to want to be with me because he finds my sexy, not just because he loves me. (Wow. How many women say just the opposite!) I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to WANT to be in pictures.   I want this surgery more than anything right now. I want to be proud. I want to be healthy. I want to love what I see in pictures.     Well, I had the surgery at the end of October. I have made this a LIFE change so far. I haven't told anyone really except my doc, my hubby and a friend. Intimacy is SO MUCH BETTER!!! I look forward to flying in April for business because I don't worry about the seats and seatbelts. I think I am now the SMALLEST sister although I won't see any of them until I visit them this summer and they don't know yet. I just bought a size 16 pants and I can cross my leggs and frequently do sitting at my desk at work.   I love my band. His name is Band Jovi!:drum:
julie.ann

julie.ann

9
 

A confession and strong words to set an addict straight.

12/21/08   My name is Julie and I am a food addict. I thought I had my problem under control. I thought that I had learned so many lessons that I could jump back on the wagon if I ever took a little sip from the bottle…so to speak. I had a Christmas party to go to on Friday. It went okay. Not great. I had a half of a dinner roll. Except for an occasional thin crust pizza I have not had any bread of any kind for 2 months. I didn’t even want to know if it would go down. It was a dinner party and they served steak. If it wouldn’t have been for the drink I had and the bread with butter I would have stayed under 1000 calories and been okay with the carbs…but I did eat and drink those things so I guess that’s how it is. The next day comes and I weigh in and I lost another 0.9 lbs. I realize that it will probably take another day to see the damage on the scale. I did good at breakfast and took my lunch to class with me and I was a very good girl. Pizza for supper…not so good. Today I have screwed the pooch….so to speak. (Can I say that here?) It is Sunday which means I am home all day and the gym is closed. Sundays are my hardest days! I ate leftover pizza for lunch and then …..we made Christmas cookies. I feel like a toad for the first time in a month! I half heartedly did a cardio Firm work out for 30 minutes today. Not a great work out. Oh here is the kicker…Are you ready…I was only 0.2 lbs away from my New Year’s goal. The gym is closed Wednesday and Thursday this week and next week. I want to go out and eat everything I can get my hands on. Almost like a last supper before I hike my butt up back onto the wagon. I’m not going to. I have to hit the gym in the morning if I can get up though. I have class tomorrow night, so I can do it then. It would have been better it I had gained a smidge back after eating badly just to teach myself that I can’t get away with it. I have to go back to those lessons I thought I learned. 1. DO NOT EAT UNLESS YOU ARE HUNGRY or unless it has been 5 hours since your last meal. 2. PROTEIN FIRST then you can have your HEALTHY side dish. 3. STOP EATING BEFORE YOU FEEL OVER FULL! 4. DO NOT EAT BETWEEN MEALS 5. DRINK YOUR WATER but not during or right after meals. 6. YOU WILL NOT SEE THE RESULTS YOU WANT UNLESS YOU WORK OUT! 7. Getting the lap band doesn’t make you lose weight. YOU STILL HAVE TO EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE!   Time for a reminder Julie!   Eating is for survival! It is to get enough nutrition to live. That is its main focus. It is not a reward. It does not console us. It doesn't take away boredom. It doesn't listen to our problems. It is a fair weather friend....actually not even a friend at all. It is that bi*chy girl in jr. high that we thought liked us, but only pretends to until she can stab us in the back.   Memorize it! Put it to song. Make up a dance…I don’t how you remember it… LIVE IT! Okay you addict, get your big butt back on the wagon! Stop putting it off. Remember YOU ARE AN ADDICT! Oh you were so proud of yourself for 2 months. Well the jokes on you. Two months is not enough to give you permission to go back to your crappy eating. It only took two months to take off 45 lbs. I bet it would only take 2 months to gain 45 lbs. Didn’t you have some NSV along the way? Remember what it felt like to sit in a chair and feel like you didn’t know what to do with your fat stubby arms except cross them over your too big belly? Remember how it felt when your husband put it arms around you and you felt like he had to try too hard to hug you? Remember the first time you crossed your legs in YEARS. Maybe not as comfortable as you want, but you did it without even thinking. Remember putting those size 22 jeans in the give away and lounging around the house in the size 18 jeans. Remember putting on the shirt that hasn’t fit you in years. Do you really want to be back to that person that you see in all the pictures that have been taken of you over the past years? Remember when you started out and your goal was to feel comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching your kids play ball. Have you even thought recently that you have felt more comfortable doing that? What is more important to you? A slimy greasy piece of pizza and doughy cookie dough that sits in your stomach and makes you feel like crap or feeling great about yourself. What is more fun? Seeing how long you can go in between meals without getting hungry and being surprised by how little took away your hunger….or greasy butter garlic bread with a bowl of sodium filled tomato sauce. You are paying $265 a month for 5 years to have this tool to help you be healthy. You are so cheap…do you really want to throw all that money out the window for a crappy meal that will make your chest hurt and your feet swell again like they had been up until a month ago? Go to bed now and when you wake up you need to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Are you going to live the life of a “user” or as someone in “recovery.” It’s all your decision Julie. It’s up to you to be a wonderful, healthy successful person who loves not only life, but herself as well!
julie.ann

julie.ann

8
 

6 months....94 lbs later...... before and current pics

Today is my 6 month bandiversary! Yeah!!! (throw confettii here) I have lost 94 lbs! WOW! I can't believe it. So I had DH take my picture. I will try to attach it here you you can see them on my profile. I feel like this is such a step. I think partly because I felt like a year after surgery I would be happy and now I am halfway to that goal. I am much happier. I feel good about myself most of the time. I don't like the pictures that I am going to post. I still don't have a clear picture of what I look like. It is like I am wearing some type of sunglasses that block certain colors. I know it doesn't make sense, but I am ready for my mind to catch up.   I do worry. What happens if I get to goal. (Health BMI) and I still see a fat person staring back at me in pictures? I worry about that kind of stuff. It is kind of ironic to me that I am beginning to worry what happens if I lose too much weight. I am a long way from that...but it is out there.   Good luck to all the newly banded, congrats to all that have hit goal and to all of those that are in the middle......let's keep on keeping on!     High/Surgery/Current/Goal 285.5/ 271 / 191.4/ 142.5 Banded - 10/29/08 Four fills - 4.7cc in 10cc band [ [ATTACH]111[/ATTACH][ATTACH]112[/ATTACH]   [ATTACH]115[/ATTACH][ATTACH]116[/ATTACH]
julie.ann

julie.ann

11
 

10/30/08

10/30/08 The trip back from Denver was long. My left shoulder started getting that pain that comes from gas on the diaphragm. I was happy to go to bed. By 10:00pm I was ready to cry because of that feeling of someone stabbing my in the shoulder.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

10/29/08 surgery day!!!

Well I guess it's my turn to tell my surgery story. The morning of surgery I didn't have to be at the hospital until 9:30am, but I woke at about 7. When we got to the surgery center we sat in a waiting room that looked like a doctor's office until they called my back to a bay area. They were not very busy and everyone was THE BEST!!!!! Jan was my pre-op nurse, Caroline my OR nurse and Dr. Johnson was my anesteseologist. They wanted a urine sample, I got dress....or maybe I should say undressed in my gown. Scopolamine patch behind the ear, a pepcid pill, a zofran pill, an IV, levaquin hung since I am allergic to Keflex, decadron in my IV and one other IV med I don't remember. After all the questions Dr. Johnson was such a dear and pushed some versed IV. I love that drug of amnesia! I think I was in preop another few minutes, but I don’t remember it. I woke up in the Recovery Room. Renee was my nurse. She didn't have quite the sweet disposition that the others had, but she was nice. I was out of it in recovery. My surgery started about 11 and my hubby was called by Dr. K at about 12 and he said he could go back in about 20 min to see me. It was 1:30 when he called back about me and found out I had just woke up. Dr K and Dr. Johnson both came by to see how I was. Dr. K said that he had to repair a small hiatal hernia. (I wonder By 2:30 I had gone to the rest room and was ready to be dismissed from the Recovery Room. I am doing pretty well. So far I haven't had a lot of shoulder pain and my incisions are uncomfortable. I don’t' like narcs, but I will take my lortab for my 7 hour drive home today. No nausea so far. I have found if I eat my jello too fast I get a little chest pain so I will nibble slowly. I haven't named my band yet. We have barely been introduced. I see how it goes.   I love being a member of the band!
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

10/28/08

1545: I met Dr. Kirshenbaum for the face to face for the first time at my appt the day before surgery. We had done a phone pre-op and I also had a phone consult with a nutritionist. I went to do doctors and the medial assistant took down my height and weight and took my vitals. Dr. K came in and we talked about the surgery. He didn't ask much about my pre-op diet. He just wanted to know if lost weight and how much. (14#!) We signed the consents, went over my allergies, he wrote the admission orders. We had time to ask him questions. He is very nice. We filled my scripts for liquid lortab, zofran and a dulcolax supposity. Insurance paid $10 (the only thing they will be covering) and all together it cost me $30 for my scripts. Not bad.   1800: We met friends to go out for supper and catch up. I did so much better than I did the last time I went out the last time. We ate at Red Lobster. Of course they had great fish so that was maybe a little easier. I completely turned down the rolls that our friends were gushing over telling us how great they are. I had great broccoli and my fish. I let DH decided on my side dish since I was going to get it for him. He orded the brown rice. I didn’t have a bite. I do need to get used to putting half of the serving away as soon as I get my plate, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to eat it the next day anyway because of surgery. 2200: The evening before surgery I had to take a supposity to help my bowls move. I forgot my stool softener. Don't forget to start that after surgery if you have firm stools. The narcs they give you will slow down you GI too. You don't want to become constipated.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

10/13/08

10/13/08 I started my pre-op diet a little early. My weight is 282, but a few days ago it was 285.5 so that is the highest weight I will record. No bread (!) potatoes, pasta or rice. I think the bread will be the hardest. I am doing basically an Atkins diet. Protein, low carbs. I have started to keep my food journal on sparkpeople.com again. I should have been doing that before. I don’t know how I will find time to exercise. I may wait until my first fill to start back to the gym.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

*Results not typical (???)

2-7-09     *Results not typical (???)   I have seen that little asterisk next to all of those people that have supposedly lost weight on all of those diet programs. If those results aren’t typical then why are they telling us that we can do what they did? If that isn’t the expected outcome for the majority of people then why are they shoving them in our face? I was banded in October. I am almost 4 months from the time I started my pre-op diet. Four months ago I weighed 285 lbs. Today I weigh about 222 lbs. Is that typical? I have seen others in my Smashing Pumpkins group (that is what we called ourselves that where banded in October) that have done just as well if not better than I have. Some have not lost as much as I have, but are doing GREAT! I think that most people can do great with the band. Then every once in a while I run into a thread where people say that they can’t lose weight. They have tried, but they are hungry and they haven’t lost much. Is that typical? I ask myself have I done something they haven’t. I have had to really listen to my body to find the difference between head hunger and true hunger. I think that is the hardest thing to do and the biggest hurdle to climb. Telling the difference between the hungers. Well that is getting off of topic. My question is what is typical? Everyone is different. Are my results typical? I think they are because this isn’t has hard as I thought it would be. It is tough and lately I have been eating more. I need to go back to watching my calories a little closer although I still keep track of everything. Pick a day in the past 4 months and I could tell you what I ate and how many calories I had along with carbs and protein. It is that cookie I decide to splurge on a couple of times a week. That is the little stuff I need to watch. I think I have had a cookie 5 times in the past 2 weeks. It tastes good. I don’t feel deprived, but is that taste and feeling worth the extra 22 carbs that are in that little cookie? No I guess not. I am down to a size 18. I’m glad I kept these from 5 years ago. These are the last pants I have left before I have to start buying smaller sizes. I have a suitcase full of clothes that don’t fit me anymore. I have lost 63 lbs. Is that enough? Am I happy with the weight I am now? NO! So next time I have to put that damn cookie down and ask myself ARE YOUR REALLY HUNGRY? IS IT WORTH LOSING 2 LBS THIS WEEK INSTEAD OF 3? IS THAT TASTE OF CHOCOLATE WORTH NOT FEELING AS GOOD ABOUT MYSELF LATER?   Are my results typical? For me I guess they are and if I want to keep it coming I better not use my great results as an excuse to slow down now!  
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
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