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My Secret Journey

A blog by julie.ann

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About this blog

This is my journal towards weight loss. This is where I can come and put everything out there. I have kept my decision to myself. The only person besides my doctor that know is my husband. (I finally told my best friend too!) My kids know I had surge

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Six Days Post-op 11/4/08

11/4/08 6:15 am: Well I was just re-reading my journal entry from yesterday. I think that maybe I have figured out a tiny part of why I don’t want to share this. If I felt like this was something that I WANTED it would different than something I NEEDED. It sounds like a small difference, but it isn’t really. I am planning to cook me up some egg beaters – southwestern this morning and I am avoiding. I better go. 7:00 am: Well that went well. At least so far. I had ½ cup of eggs. I took about 25 minutes to eat it. I really like eating with the relish fork and baby spoon. It helps me be mindful of what size of bites I take. No burping. Oh and I sneezed this morning a couple of times and it didn’t hurt. I am getting occasional hiccups. They are uncomfortable. It’s time to get ready for work. I feel better with real food in my system. I will work on my protein shake mid morning and maybe have some cottage cheese for lunch. It sounds good to me. I might shake things up and add some peas to it. Chew, chew, chew! 8:30 pm: WOW! I got in 680 calories today! 95 grams of Protein without the liquid protein even!!! I know I am using a lot of exclamation points, but that is exactly how I feel! I ate cottage cheese and peas. It tasted so good! I don’t want to get tired of it so I will have to watch it. On soft foods I am allowed well cooked casseroles. I think I will try one tomorrow. I am working on eating slow and not drinking anything right before, during or right after my meals. That is a really hard rule. I’ll keep plugging along. Oh yeah, the op sites are off of my incisions too. They look really good.

November 5, 2008

2

*Results not typical (???)

2-7-09 *Results not typical (???) I have seen that little asterisk next to all of those people that have supposedly lost weight on all of those diet programs. If those results aren’t typical then why are they telling us that we can do what they did? If that isn’t the expected outcome for the majority of people then why are they shoving them in our face? I was banded in October. I am almost 4 months from the time I started my pre-op diet. Four months ago I weighed 285 lbs. Today I weigh about 222 lbs. Is that typical? I have seen others in my Smashing Pumpkins group (that is what we called ourselves that where banded in October) that have done just as well if not better than I have. Some have not lost as much as I have, but are doing GREAT! I think that most people can do great with the band. Then every once in a while I run into a thread where people say that they can’t lose weight. They have tried, but they are hungry and they haven’t lost much. Is that typical? I ask myself have I done something they haven’t. I have had to really listen to my body to find the difference between head hunger and true hunger. I think that is the hardest thing to do and the biggest hurdle to climb. Telling the difference between the hungers. Well that is getting off of topic. My question is what is typical? Everyone is different. Are my results typical? I think they are because this isn’t has hard as I thought it would be. It is tough and lately I have been eating more. I need to go back to watching my calories a little closer although I still keep track of everything. Pick a day in the past 4 months and I could tell you what I ate and how many calories I had along with carbs and protein. It is that cookie I decide to splurge on a couple of times a week. That is the little stuff I need to watch. I think I have had a cookie 5 times in the past 2 weeks. It tastes good. I don’t feel deprived, but is that taste and feeling worth the extra 22 carbs that are in that little cookie? No I guess not. I am down to a size 18. I’m glad I kept these from 5 years ago. These are the last pants I have left before I have to start buying smaller sizes. I have a suitcase full of clothes that don’t fit me anymore. I have lost 63 lbs. Is that enough? Am I happy with the weight I am now? NO! So next time I have to put that damn cookie down and ask myself ARE YOUR REALLY HUNGRY? IS IT WORTH LOSING 2 LBS THIS WEEK INSTEAD OF 3? IS THAT TASTE OF CHOCOLATE WORTH NOT FEELING AS GOOD ABOUT MYSELF LATER? Are my results typical? For me I guess they are and if I want to keep it coming I better not use my great results as an excuse to slow down now!

February 8, 2009

4

10/13/08

10/13/08 I started my pre-op diet a little early. My weight is 282, but a few days ago it was 285.5 so that is the highest weight I will record. No bread (!) potatoes, pasta or rice. I think the bread will be the hardest. I am doing basically an Atkins diet. Protein, low carbs. I have started to keep my food journal on sparkpeople.com again. I should have been doing that before. I don’t know how I will find time to exercise. I may wait until my first fill to start back to the gym.

October 31, 2008

1

Too much food = chest pain!

Oh, I just ate too much for supper. I worked pizza into my nutrition for the day. I am still under 1100 calories. It has been so long since I ate too much that I forgot about the chest pain that goes along with that. Just a little tonight, but I wish I still didn't remember it..... I worked out 5 days this week so I did a half a workout to day (my 5th day). I am feeling pretty good. The scale said that I gained a little today. That doesn't really happen too often, but lost like 2.5 lbs the day before so I expected a small rebound. I do worry about gaining and what that would do to my psyche. So far so good. I eat when I am hungry. I am not doing low carb, but I am not doing high carb either. I really watch it pretty close. If I start looking for food I ask myself if my stomach is empty...if I am hungry. If not I don't eat. I get about 800 calories a day with maybe 2 days a week getting up to 1000-1100 calories. I know it doesn't sound like much...but I am being very careful. Protien first for every meal. I am addicted to cottage cheese. I know soft food, but I love it. My favorite meals include: 1. my quick chicken salad (200 cal) and a side 2. 3 oz of turkey breast (I measure all my protein) 1/2c cottage cheese (4% - the good stuff) and 1/4 c peas Mixed all together. (350 calories) 3. 2 Hebrew National 97% fat free hot dogs cut up and 3 tblsp. of Great Value Brand hot dog chili sauce. ( 150 calories total) 4. Egg Beaters are a staple for my breakfast. Usually 3/4cup of southwestern. (90 calories) (I have changed my breakfast to a morning star sausage patty and 1/4 cup egg beaters. I had to put in some solid protein to make it last until lunch! edited 12/31/08) There are some of my favorites. I usually get 70-120 gms of protein a day and 30-50 gms of carbs a day. I can't wait for my next fill. 3 weeks from today! :rolleyes2:

December 13, 2008

4

Why are NEGATIVE comments easier for some people to make?

1/3/09 I can’t believe it has been so long since I’ve posted. Well my family did come. The entire first day no one said ANYTHING about my weight loss. After 45 pounds gone and not one word! DH tried telling me they were just too tired to. I couldn’t believe it. About noon the next day dad said something. Then they said oh, yea they noticed right away. I asked why if I gain 2 lbs on they apologize and asked if I gained weight. It goes something like “I’m sorry, I know you don’t want me to ask, but have you gain weight?” HELLO! :crying:When I asked why they make negative comments so quickly about my weight, but not positive comments my mom seemed kind of set back and honestly said I was right. :thumbup: This is how we grew up. Looking back I wasn’t BIG growing up. In high school I was heavy, but not big. My grandma would tell us we were so big and overweight and needed to eat less and exercise and my parents seem to agree by omission. They never stuck up for us. I’m not saying I am the perfect mom. I have to work at not making comments about my daughter’s weight. She is overweight, but not big. Kind of like me. I don’t want her to follow in my footsteps. I work at saying positive things and biting my tongue when a stupid comment wants to slip out. Sometimes they do. I’m not perfect, but I apologize for saying something so stupid. Anyway….I am finally off of the stupid plateau that stuck around for two weeks.:thumbdown: I know Christmas/New Years snacking didn’t help matters much. I am down 47# I hope to lose another 3 to make it an even 50 by the time I get a fill on Friday. I would like to have lost 100# by my birthday in June. Getting to onderland will be great too! If I lose 2 #/week I will be there by May. If I lose 3#/week I can be there in April. I hope the plateaus go away till then. I think part of my problem was that 45# seemed like such a big number for me to lose and I am feeling good about myself that I started to think I could ease up a little. I guess it isn’t a bad thing to slip off the wagon every now and then. I have to find my commitment and I think getting of the plateau will do it. I promised myself no matter what I ate or how little I worked out I wouldn’t skip a day on the scale. I know weighing in daily isn’t for everyone, but it helps to keep me accountable. At 8:00pm at night when I’m not hungry, but want to snack the thought of getting on my Wii Fit and weighing myself at 6:30 in the moring helps to keep me honest. I also see how my actions affect my goals. I like the Wii Fit because it graphs it all out and tells me my BMI. I don’t work out on it much because I have been hitting the gym every day that I can. Some weeks that is only 3 or 4 times and every once in a while I get there 5 times. I have started a Valentine’s Day challenge and have set 15# as my goal. Someone on one of my groups make the comment about size 9 in ’09. :scared2:That seems like a HUGE goal to set since I haven’t worn that since jr. high. (I guess…I really don’t remember wearing that small of a size.) I have always told my kids if you want to succeed then you have to aim high. If I hit my goal this year I will fit into that size 9! Good luck to everyone and I hope each of you reach your 2009 goals!

January 3, 2009

6

A confession and strong words to set an addict straight.

12/21/08 My name is Julie and I am a food addict. I thought I had my problem under control. I thought that I had learned so many lessons that I could jump back on the wagon if I ever took a little sip from the bottle…so to speak. I had a Christmas party to go to on Friday. It went okay. Not great. I had a half of a dinner roll. Except for an occasional thin crust pizza I have not had any bread of any kind for 2 months. I didn’t even want to know if it would go down. It was a dinner party and they served steak. If it wouldn’t have been for the drink I had and the bread with butter I would have stayed under 1000 calories and been okay with the carbs…but I did eat and drink those things so I guess that’s how it is. The next day comes and I weigh in and I lost another 0.9 lbs. I realize that it will probably take another day to see the damage on the scale. I did good at breakfast and took my lunch to class with me and I was a very good girl. Pizza for supper…not so good. Today I have screwed the pooch….so to speak. (Can I say that here?) It is Sunday which means I am home all day and the gym is closed. Sundays are my hardest days! I ate leftover pizza for lunch and then …..we made Christmas cookies. I feel like a toad for the first time in a month! I half heartedly did a cardio Firm work out for 30 minutes today. Not a great work out. Oh here is the kicker…Are you ready…I was only 0.2 lbs away from my New Year’s goal. The gym is closed Wednesday and Thursday this week and next week. I want to go out and eat everything I can get my hands on. Almost like a last supper before I hike my butt up back onto the wagon. I’m not going to. I have to hit the gym in the morning if I can get up though. I have class tomorrow night, so I can do it then. It would have been better it I had gained a smidge back after eating badly just to teach myself that I can’t get away with it. I have to go back to those lessons I thought I learned. 1. DO NOT EAT UNLESS YOU ARE HUNGRY or unless it has been 5 hours since your last meal. 2. PROTEIN FIRST then you can have your HEALTHY side dish. 3. STOP EATING BEFORE YOU FEEL OVER FULL! 4. DO NOT EAT BETWEEN MEALS 5. DRINK YOUR WATER but not during or right after meals. 6. YOU WILL NOT SEE THE RESULTS YOU WANT UNLESS YOU WORK OUT! 7. Getting the lap band doesn’t make you lose weight. YOU STILL HAVE TO EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE! Time for a reminder Julie! Eating is for survival! It is to get enough nutrition to live. That is its main focus. It is not a reward. It does not console us. It doesn't take away boredom. It doesn't listen to our problems. It is a fair weather friend....actually not even a friend at all. It is that bi*chy girl in jr. high that we thought liked us, but only pretends to until she can stab us in the back. Memorize it! Put it to song. Make up a dance…I don’t how you remember it… LIVE IT! Okay you addict, get your big butt back on the wagon! Stop putting it off. Remember YOU ARE AN ADDICT! Oh you were so proud of yourself for 2 months. Well the jokes on you. Two months is not enough to give you permission to go back to your crappy eating. It only took two months to take off 45 lbs. I bet it would only take 2 months to gain 45 lbs. Didn’t you have some NSV along the way? Remember what it felt like to sit in a chair and feel like you didn’t know what to do with your fat stubby arms except cross them over your too big belly? Remember how it felt when your husband put it arms around you and you felt like he had to try too hard to hug you? Remember the first time you crossed your legs in YEARS. Maybe not as comfortable as you want, but you did it without even thinking. Remember putting those size 22 jeans in the give away and lounging around the house in the size 18 jeans. Remember putting on the shirt that hasn’t fit you in years. Do you really want to be back to that person that you see in all the pictures that have been taken of you over the past years? Remember when you started out and your goal was to feel comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching your kids play ball. Have you even thought recently that you have felt more comfortable doing that? What is more important to you? A slimy greasy piece of pizza and doughy cookie dough that sits in your stomach and makes you feel like crap or feeling great about yourself. What is more fun? Seeing how long you can go in between meals without getting hungry and being surprised by how little took away your hunger….or greasy butter garlic bread with a bowl of sodium filled tomato sauce. You are paying $265 a month for 5 years to have this tool to help you be healthy. You are so cheap…do you really want to throw all that money out the window for a crappy meal that will make your chest hurt and your feet swell again like they had been up until a month ago? Go to bed now and when you wake up you need to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Are you going to live the life of a “user” or as someone in “recovery.” It’s all your decision Julie. It’s up to you to be a wonderful, healthy successful person who loves not only life, but herself as well!

December 22, 2008

8

Testing my new lifestyle.....

1-23-09 I went out to eat today and I was so scared I was going to blow it! I almost said no to those that were visiting from out of town, but I thought that at some point this would happen. I would need to eat out without planning for it. I needed to face it and see how I would do. I just said that this was becoming a lifestyle. Well life has unexpected twists. Would I handle this with style or fall back to my old ways? I told them what I always order. (Chicken chimichanga with a huge plate that had cheese, guacamole, beans and rice on it along with the deep fried chimi.) Two of the four ordered it. I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t tempted. I thought of how good it would taste and how crappy I would feel. I thought about my weekly weigh in with my online support group tomorrow. I still wondered how I would say no. I thought about hitting the 220’s today for the first time. I STILL thought about it!!!! I was absolutely RELIEVED when I realized that the band wouldn't let me completely pig out. That got me thinking straight. I ordered two tacos. It was just another reason I love my band! I had three tortilla chips with salsa and ONE taco and I was done. It was AWESOME!!!! I took the other taco and gave it to a co-worker. I don’t know what the scale will say in the morning, but I won’t be terrified about stepping on it!

January 24, 2009

3

I don't have my glassess does the tag really say size 16?!?!?

2-10-09 Did I really just do that? Did I really just buy a size 16? Does it matter they are stretchy? Does it matter they are from Wal-mart? Does it matter that they are a little snug? Does it matter that I feel like I will be able to wear these forever? I can’t imagine ever growing out of (or shrinking out of) these. I started out a size 24. I dug out my old size 18 and that was the smallest jeans I’ve had. I wore a size 16 about 9 years ago for just a little bit. I haven’t worn anything smaller than that since high school. I want to do a happy dance, but I’m still saving that for onederland! I love my band! :w00t:

February 11, 2009

6

Just because I can eat it doesn't mean I should!!!

I partied last night. For the first time in almost 5 months I really over did it in every way. I drank (althought had as few of calories as possible doing it) and ate much more than I should have. My husband's family had a "benefit" dinner for my son. We are sending him to Austria in July with an Ambassador program. We have been fund raising and so his aunt invitedthe whole family over and cooked mexican food and had everyone over for a donation dinner. The first round of supper I did a good job. I ate the the right amount of portions and was no longer full. I just had a fill 2 days ago and things were going good. But then with every drink my inhibitions lowered. I remember when me and my girlfriends would say don't let me do anything stupid when I am drunk. Then we were talking about guys....now I will be talking about food! I drank and ate and I be after 4 months of keeping my calories under 1200 a day (usually 800-1000/daily) I betI ate 3000 calories. My fingers are swollen, My face feels greasy. I don't feel good at all. I have proven to myself that with the band I CAN eat anything (I kind of already knew that) but just because I can eat it doesn't mean I should. I didn't listen to my stomach that was satisfied I listened to my head that will always be happy to take in more food. Here is the great thing. Today is a new day. We are 5 hours away from home, but I have packed my meals in case there aren't good choices around and so I am not worried about getting back on the program that is my life. I may have put myself back a week. I may not reach ONEderland by Aprill 1st. That is my fault and I will still get there. No, the band isn't magic, It is a tool. I don't want to be so tight that I CAN"T eat anything. I just have to be good listen to my stomach and put that child that is my head hunger back in the box. Today is a new day!

March 8, 2009

5

How to Lap Band .....is that a dance?

This is how I am doing what I am doing. 1. The second most useful tool for me is keep VERY CLOSE track of what I eat on www.sparkpeople.com That is about all I do on there because I have this great support system here so I don't use it for that. This may even be my #1 most useful tool at this point until I reach my sweet spot. It helps me to make smart decisions. Remember the band is just a tool. It won't keep you from putting things in your mouth that will cause you to gain weight. Until we can all get out of bandster hell and get to that much talked about sweet spot. Many I have talked to can eat anything they want...just in bandster portions. 2. No potatoes, rice, pasta or bread. I say none, but I do have an occasional piece of thin crust pizza. I went without anything that resembled any other these for a month. I got these carbs out of my system. Oh, I still eat carbs. Don't get me wrong. I eat plenty of carbs. No atkins diet for me. But they have to be carbs with purpose. Veggies or fruits. I look at potates now, even mashed potatoes and think...nope, so not worth it! 3. This is also a BIG ONE. Anytime I look for something to eat I stop and ask myself "Am I hungry?" :bored:I know sometimes it sounds like a stupid question. Sometimes I say "Yes!" Most of the time I say no. Sometimes I have to stop, be still and really listen to my body. There have been times that I had that head hunger so bad I said Yes I am hungry and then stopped, put everything out of my mind and asked myself again. I wasn't physcially hungry. I don't know why I never got this before when I would diet or even not diet but just eat. There are times I think something looks great and I find myself thinking "I wish I was hungry so I could eat it!" How weird is that? You might really be hungry...but give it a chance. My doctor told me to do this on my phone consult and I think it has saved my bacon (no pun intended) quite a few times. 4. I try to plan my meals. I can't plan them out week in advance. I really can't plan them out 24 hours in advance because I don't know what I'll be in the mood for. I plan my meal a meal in advance. Especially supper because I want to keep within my calories for the day. I put in into Sparkpeople when I decide what to eat. That way I have the chance to change my mind if I've made a bad decision. 5. I am pretty happy with how I've lost, but sometimes it is pure will power at this point. Just this week I was on the eliptial at the gym and I wanted to quit and go home. I was tired, stressed out and had a million things to do. I literally had some very strong words with myself. Don't get me wrong I said them in my head. Everyone alread thinks I'm fruitcake without arguing with myself in the middle of the gym. :rolleyes2: I really had to say, "You want to quit? Go ahead. No one is making you stay. No one is going to do this for you either. Do you want to hit wonderland in April or June or do you want to wait for 2010? Stop right now and go home if that is the most important thing for you right now. But if you really want to surprise your family and inspire them to get the LAP-BAND® then you are going to have to stop wining and keep going. It is only 15 more minutes. Can you really not spare 15 minutes today to get healthy?" 6. I have committed to hitting the gym 3 times a week for 30 minutes of cardio each time. Last week I worked out 5 times (once was a 1 1/2mile walk outside) and I have started to do weights and sometimes I'm at the gym for an hour and that's great, but if I don't do any more than 30 minutes of cardio 3 times a week then I don't allow myself to get down about it. I've been told that you don't have to follow all of the guidelines all of the time, just most of them most of the time. I posted those guidelines here: My Bandster Guidelines..... - LAP-BAND® Surgery and LAP-BAND® Discussion Forum 7. I weigh myself everyday on my Wii so I can see how what I do affects my weight. It also gives me a graph so I can go back and see where I was and where I am. I have an excel spread sheet too to tell me where I will be and when if I lose 1 lbs a week or 2 lbs per week. It seems so small but it helps me see the big picture. I found it on-line and downloaded it!

December 15, 2008

6

Is there such a thing as a SUPPORTIVE strapless bra?

I am getting more comfortable with my body and especially my sholders and arms. I would love to wear some cute tops with thin straps or something strapless. Can anyone help me out with this? I can't find a strapless bra that is supportive enough. I know I need PS and plan to do it in 5 years when I get my WLS paid off, in the mean time can you help me out?

May 27, 2009

1

September 16, 2008

I typed out a letter for my doctor to sign to try and get this approved through insurance. It didn’t work. No insurance means I start shopping around for a wonderful doctor that had good prices. What are the chances I will find that? WOW! What do you know…I found it! Dr. Kirshenbaum in Denver has one of the lowest prices I’ve seen in the US I have found some of his patients on support groups on-line and haven’t heard a bad word about him. My surgery is scheduled for Oct 29th!

October 31, 2008

1

Happy Halloween!

10/31/08 0930: Happy Halloween. So far the pain has improved. I continue to take the liquid lortab. Shoulder pain comes and goes. The kids have been great and I have sipped some protein shake. 1330: I’m starting to get that “what did I do” feeling. No, not really a regret but kind of. I cooked frozen pizza for the family today. I’m not craving it. It isn’t like I am slobbering to get my hands on it. I am torn between telling myself that “I can’t have it again and don’t even think about it” and telling myself that “I can have it again in a small portion. I just have to be patient. “ I think once the gas pain is completely gone and I also start to see weight loss it will help. I hope.

October 31, 2008

3

my "Ah-ha" moment

10/17/08 Here is my "Ah-ha" moment. (a bit lengthy) I have just realized that eating is not supposed to be fun. No...I know what you are thinking. Well I know if it was me two weeks ago I would be thinking that it may not be fun, but I enjoy it. I always saw eating as fun. Entertainment. I used it as a reward for myself or a consolation. I would put the kiddos to bed when they were little and then sit down with my favorite show and a plate of garlic bread and enjoy. If work REALLY sucked I would come home and sit down and eat ice cream or pick up McDonalds on the way home because I "deserved" it. Eating is not supposed to be fun. I thought going out with friends and having fun equaled eating. I started my pre-op diet on Monday. I started it earlier than I needed to and I have lost 8 lbs since last Friday. Wow I felt great...but I had that nawing desire for a last supper. Come on surely some of you can relate. That last...I can't eat this for months......can I ever eat this with the band......last supper. As of tomorrow no bread, pasta, rice or potatoes. I ate great all day. I went grocery shopping and did it. Guess what. IT SUCKED!!!!!! I had garlic bread and frozen pizza. (My staple) Not only was the garlic bread not satisfying, but the pizza tasted...well, flat. That is the only way I can describe it. Flat! It tasted worse than ever before. My taste buds would be much happier if I had eaten veggies and chicken breast. I wish I could puke. I hope I remember this feeling forever! So not worth it! I know that I will want crappy food again. But I feel like I am a step ahead of where I was before. Now listen to this. Are you ready? Eating is for survival. It is to get enough nutrition to live. That is its main focus. I know this sounds simple, but I have been oblivious to the obvious. (Try saying that three times fast.) It is not a reward. It does not console us. It doesn't take away boredom It doesn't listen to our problems. It is a fair weather friend....actually not even a friend at all. It is that bi*chy girl in jr. high that we thought liked us, but only pretends to until she can stab us in the back. I am ready now. I am ready to start the rest of my life. I am ready to try to forget this "last supper". Actually I guess I want to remember it forever.

October 31, 2008

2

Stress....Primary Care Doctor and a Best Friend.

11/24/08 Almost 1 month post-op and my wonderful, fabulous, miraculous resistance is all gone. I was supposed to have a fill tomorrow but it will be a week from Friday instead. I kind of kick myself for changing it, but it will be better traveling on Thanksgiving not to be getting used to my first adjustment. I thought I was cheating…okay I got all ticked off at the kids tonight and I dealt with it the way I used to deal with stress. I went out and bought a deep dish supreme single pizza from Red Baron. (Okay before it would not have been a mini pizza) I shouldn’t have been able to suck that thing down the way I did. Well I had no problem at all. On a positive note I put it in my Journal on www.sparkpeople.com and I didn’t blow it today like I thought I did. I ate so well before that I can forgive myself. I’m still less than 1000 calories for the day and I went to the gym tonight. I really wish we had a free journal on lapbandtalk.com It would be great to see what other bandsters are eating and their nutrients. I think I am the first patient that my primary care physician has had that has been banded. He said that other patients have been starting to ask about it. He asked me to keep him posted so I did when I had surgery and I figure after each fill. We work together….kind of... so I just drop him an email. It might be interesting to see what he asks as we go along. I pasted my bandster guidelines (from my blog) in my last email. The only thing he really asked about was not drinking while eating. I got a kick out of that just because that has been one of the hardest ones to get used to. Oh…I almost forgot! Someone at work finally noticed I had lost weight. Yesterday I looked at a close up picture from August and from last night. I saw a difference. That is really what I wanted to know….that there is a difference. Another big thing for me is that I finally told my best friend (besides DH) that I was banded. I’m glad I did. It is nice to have someone to share things with. I have every intention of telling my family once I’m in onederland and I fly down to surprise them but I don’t plan to tell anyone around here. Well I better sign off. I didn’t realize this was going to get so long. I want to finish by saying THANK YOU to all of you…my support group. What would I do without you?

November 25, 2008

1

Changing from a diet to a lifestyle...

1-17-08 Mentally I am doing pretty good. I think that the newness is wearing off. I am still motivated. I guess after 3 months things really are becoming more of a lifestyle change. It isn’t as hard to choose to eat healthy as it used to be. Today my hubby and kids wanted McDonalds. I went with DH to pick it up because I wanted to grab a couple of things at the store. It wasn’t even a choice I needed to make. I wouldn’t put myself in that situation over and over, but it was okay. I made myself one of these great stuffed chicken breasts that I found. They are at Wal-mart and they are about 230-270 calories, 7-8 carbs and 35 protein. It is so good and tasty. (It is Sam’s Choice brand and come in many different flavors. I like the pepper jack cheese and bacon.) Anyway my point is that I didn’t have any problem waiting the 30 minutes for my supper to get done because the band as curbed my hunger so much and THEN I couldn’t even eat the entire chicken breast before I was full. What I eat and make ahead of time has become a habit. Making food for the next few days has become habit. (I love my quick and easy chicken salad and I keep turkey breast around for a grab and go meal to eat at work with some cottage cheese and a veggie. ) My attitude toward this journey is starting to change. I’m not bored with it. That isn’t the right way to explain it. I guess like I said it is becoming more of a lifestyle. It is more of a normal way of life. I still get up every day and get on the Wii to weigh myself. I immediately get on lapbandtalk.com and record my weight change on my tickers. Every Friday I post my weight for my October 2008 group and every Saturday I have started to post for my Dr. Kirshenbaum group since I started their new challenge. Each Monday I record my weekly weight on my excel spread sheet that graphs my progress. This is a focus in my life, but I haven’t had to focus on it an intensely. It is nice. I just have to know how to balance everything in my life. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have always been that person that starts to wonder what will happen when things are just going too good.

January 18, 2009

3

One Week Post-op

11/5/08 ONE WEEK! I can’t believe it was only a week ago that I got banded! I have lost 9 lbs in that week for a total of 23 lbs. I haven’t lost anything the last 2 days…..uh I don’t think I can complain that I went two days without weight loss. Besides I’ve got some sodium back in my diet so I’m sure that will cause me to put on a few pounds of water. This first month is for healing. I need to remember that! I have been really watching my portions. I get hungry faster though. That is normal and expected since I don’t have restriction and swelling is going down. I think I’m okay with that. Someone asked me yesterday how much weight I have lost. That is awesome! I can’t believe at my weight that anyone can tell after 23 lbs, but I guess maybe in my face a little. I need to start walking. Not just with my job, but making an effort to walk. I can’t do vigorous exercise until after my first fill because I will be a month out then. My fill in is 3 weeks. I need to get off the “lose weight” mentality for 3 weeks. It is hard and I am afraid to lose that mentality for fear of not getting it back….. Well I think I ate too much this morning. I ate my egg beaters (southwestern) scrambled eggs. I make ½ cup. Then this morning at break (about 1 ½ hrs later) I thought I was hungry and ate a poached egg white and a piece of bacon. I think the bacon was pushing it. I am supposed to be on soft foods. Yeah, I know. Fried bacon probably wouldn’t make it on the list of soft foods. So I felt that bacon sitting in my pouch for a while. In fact a couple of hours later at lunch time I only at ½ c. cottage cheese because it was still sitting there. One of the departments had a little “tea party” at work to celebrate something. You know how that goes. Cookies, punch, nuts and all the trimmings. I did really good. ( I think.) I had a piece of cheese and two ritz crackers and 2 pieces of cantaloupe. I keep thinking people are going to look at me and say, “Hey you had that lap band surgery didn’t you?!?!” Well one of the girls at work had a RNY and I think she looks at me and knows all the signs of how and what I am eating. I know it will be okay and if people find out it won’t be a horrible thing. I just want it to happen on my time.

November 5, 2008

3

Back on the Wagon....

“In all fairness, some band patients do regain their weight. Many don't. The band is not magic. It's like any other weight loss program. It works as long as you do it. If you make a permanent lifestyle change and continue to eat healthy it can be permanent. If you drift back into grazing, eating junk or eating all soft foods the results won't last as long. It's not fool proof. Any fool can fool the band. Or you can choose to continue to work with it, heed the signals and do well. Like everything else about banding: your choice.” I’m not sure where I found this. It was from a bandster. I think this really sums up a lot about the band. I can succeed or fail with the band. This is still a war. I may lose a small battle, but as long as I still fight the war I’ll succeed with the band. I posted this as a response to another blog, but I think I’ll add it in here too….My blog is titled "My Secret Journey". I am the big mouth sharer everywhere I go. I'm sure people at work get tired of hearing all about my life. But this is personal. I think part of it is that I want the credit for the work and not for people to say "Oh she HAD to get that obesity surgery. She just lost the weight after that." I am not losing weight. I am getting rid of it. I think the term losing is a passive term and this journey is anything but passive!

November 9, 2008

2

Three days post-op

11/01/08 1030: Today is better so far. I had some runny oatmeal. Maybe a ¼ cup at the most. I am still trying to drink protein drinks because protein helps with healing. I am going to work hard to get my water in today. I weighed myself and finally have all the water weight off from the hospital. I was wondering how long it would take to lose that. I am down 3 lbs since surgery 3 days ago. I haven’t been able to get many calories in. I am trying. I had to take my scopolamine patch off so I am hoping that I won’t have any nausea. I have my zofran if I need it. I am not going to worry so much about what I eat except to try to keep protein going in. My shoulder is only giving me a few pains. I hope I have gotten over the worst. It seems it gets worse when I eat or drink. 1400: Okay….so now I have a new question. When will I go? I guess this is a problem that many bandsters have. I took liquid colace on the 30th. I took mom the same day. I used Miralax on the 31st and another dose of mom today. I am passing gass. That is good, but I would be much happier if I would just go. I DO NOT want to end up with problems because of this. 1630: I almost passed out in Walmart. Luckily I leaned against a wall and was able to breath through it. I don’t know if it is dehydrations or too little calories. Probably the calories. I haven’t been able to get above 300 cal yet. Maybe today. 1930: Ok now I feel better about the plumbing and I will take some lortab before bed.

November 2, 2008

2

A letter to my Doctor and his office staff....

I have been thinking about my band and my life. With a 7 hour drive home after my (3rd) fill there is alot of time for thinking. I know that this monster I fight called obesity is a tough one. I have started to look at how it has affected my life. Although my weight did keep me from doing a few physically active things with my family I have found that it was the emotioinal and psychological damage that my obesity caused that hurt the most. I would use my weight as a reason not to go out with my family. I wasn't comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching a game and if my kids were playing I would go to watch them and leave as soon as I could. I thought that no one would want to socialize with me because I was so obese. Sometimes I put it off on others. I judged them as unfair because I just knew that they were judging me. Since I have lost over 70 lbs in this short time I have come to realize that I was holding myself hostage. It wasn't my weight that was keeping me from socializing. It was how I felt about myself because of my weight. It was how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin and how uncomfortable I felt with how I looked. Having the gastric band procedure has helped me change a lot of my habits. It has helped me change what I eat and how I look at food. I have learned that I feel better when I eat healthy food and that portion control is just as important as food choices. I learned that it took me about 3 months for this to become a lifestyle. I have learned that I may lose weight by following the rules, but I will lose it much more quickly and at a rate that I am happy with if I exercise at least 3 times a week. I have learned that I am not perfect and every day is a new day to make the right decisions. I have learned the difference between head hunger and real hunger. I think the one thing that Dr. K told me that has helped me more than anything else is when he said, "Don't eat unless you are hungry." I am a smart person. I know that is the way it should be, but hearing him say it just made it click in my head. Now if I want to eat something I ask myself, "Am I hungry?" If the answer is no I go back to what I was doing. I started that the first day of my pre-op diet and I ask myself that question every day. Sometimes I even find myself thinking, "Boy I wish I was hungry so I could eat that!" This band is not a magic pill. I am working hard for what is happening, but I know without the band it would not be happening. This is the best weight loss tool I could ever imagine! I love going to my fill appointments (and not becuase of the 14 hours I spend on the road in a day.) I love it becuase the staff is so wonderful. You (Natalie) and Mary make me feel welcome. You have since the first day I met you. Even before I met you when you answered my email on a Sunday night! That meant a lot to me, when I reached that point that I just had to do something and reach out to take that first big step to contact your office. When I come in for a fill Dr. K looks and my weight loss and says "Great! Do you think you need a fill?" and then he really listens to the reasons that lead me to believe it is time for a fill. His extensive experience and his low price made this dream for me come true. I never thought, being self pay, I could afford this with a hubby and 3 kids. Dr. K made it possible! So I have to say thank you. Thank you for giving me my life back! Thank you for helping me to take my life back. Julie Ann Surgery Oct. 29, 2008 Start/Now/Goal 285/210/142.5

March 7, 2009

4

Four Days post op 11/2/08

11/2/08 I know that I am going to start going downhill when it comes to writing in my journal so I better keep it up while I have a few minutes. I went to church today. Still no one knows about surgery. I’m glad. Today some friends are moving back into their house after several months. Usually I would be the first in line to help. My family is still going to go. I can’t lift anything and I don’t know what kind of believable reason I would give about not being able to help. I thought about saying that I had my appendix out while I was out of town. I feel bad about lying though. Maybe I’ll skip. I have lost some weight, but once I can eat I’m worried that I will gain it all back. I have to start working on getting 60 gm of protein. I don’t know how to do it without kickin back protein shakes, but 3 a day is what I should do and that will get my protein in. Well I guess I know what I need to do. I will work on that! Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I am nervous. What if I am hurting, what if I get grilled as to why I am just on liquids. I am keeping that appy excuse in by back pocket. …..……Well I went to our friend’s house to help. I just told 2 people that I had laproscopic surgery but I didn’t want a big deal made about it. I just didn’t want them to think that was being lazy. Guess what. I over did it! I got home at 6:00 pm and went straight to bed. I should have known better. I guess it serves me right. More later.

November 3, 2008

2

Five Days Post-op 11/3/08

11/3/08 I am hungry, but the thought of eating anything about makes me want to puke. I finally broke down and bought some liquid protien. 42g in 3 ounces. I had to. I couldn't get enough in. I can't even drink enough. I'm trying. I got over 60 gms of protein in with that. I bought six to last me about the next week. I am supposed to be able to start transitioning to soft food the day after tomorrow but I have decided to try some egg beaters tomorrow. A day early, but I want to try. :thumbup: I just can’t get enough calories or protein down. I caught my family physician up on the fact that I had surgery. He kind of figured it out since his wife was one of the two I mentioned I had surgery to. I was planning to let him know when I had a chance at work anyway. He and my husband are the only two around that knows what kind of surgery I had. He was surprised I had it so fast. I only mentioned it to him in September. Self pay moves a lot faster. Besides when I make up my mind I am not one to fiddle-fart around. (Wow did I really just use that phrase? :redface:) This is my first day without Lortab. I about started crying tonight; the left shoulder pain was so bad, but I laid down on my back on the floor for about 10 minutes and it really toned down the pain. I don’t know why that helps and I don’t really care. By the way…I still don’t regret my decision not to tell anyone. You see I can always change my mind and let people in on my decision, but once the cat is out of the bag……… Keeping this a secret is for me. It is personal. I'm not saying it is for everyone. I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t handle this monster called obesity by myself. I need to be okay with the fact that I needed surgery. Not wanted surgery, but NEEDED it. I needed it for me. I needed it for my personal life. I needed it for my self-confidence. I needed it for many different reasons. When I decide to let others in on it then I will. Maybe never….maybe soon. I think that will depend on my journey.

November 4, 2008

1

Letting people in on my secret....

Today I have taken a huge step for me and decided to share my experience with others around me. Until now the only people that have known has been my hubby, a friend that I told in Nov/Dec and last week I told another friend as she went with me to my latest fill. I have shared my story with the girls I break with at work. Why? Well I was at work in one of the nurse's stations and someone was nice enough to pay me a compliement. I said thank you and when asked told them that I was watching what I ate and work out . They kept going on and more people started until finally I just politely left. It made me uncomfortable because I felt like I was lying by omission. I kind of felt like I should tell them the entire truth. I talked to my friends that knew and they said that people would wonder anyway. I know it was my decision and a little part of me will always want to keep it to myself, but part of me wanted to share it too. I still wonder if I did the right thing. It is still a little confusing. My friends at work were really supportive and happy for me. We will see what happens next.

April 9, 2009

1

Did I really postpone my first fill?!?!?!?

11-21-08 Oh what was I thinking? I was afraid that I would drive all the way out to Denver and then not get a fill because I'm doing pretty well. I called and postponed until Dec 16th and then I rethought, but by the time I called back my appt was gone so now I wait another 2 weeks. Maybe it was the right thing. I am losing at a good pace, but I get hungry every 3 hours and I am afraid of eating too much at one time and stretching my pouch. I eat about 1 1/2cups or maybe a little more. I stop when I feel hungry and it takes me about an hour to eat. I do eat while working at my desk, but that helps to distract me so I eat slower...not faster. I have one friend that has noticed that I have lost weight. No one at work has noticed. I think maybe 10 more lbs and people will notice. I stated at 285 and I'm down to 253. I know the bigger you are the harder it is to tell. My goal is to hit 239 by January 1st. That might be a big goal... I am hopeful. I made it to the gym 3 times this week! YEAH!!!!!! That is an accomplishment. Maybe I’ll go tomorrow too. I won’t feel guilty if I don’t, but I will feel even better if I do.

November 22, 2008

3

10/30/08

10/30/08 The trip back from Denver was long. My left shoulder started getting that pain that comes from gas on the diaphragm. I was happy to go to bed. By 10:00pm I was ready to cry because of that feeling of someone stabbing my in the shoulder.

October 31, 2008

1

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