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About this blog

This is my journal towards weight loss. This is where I can come and put everything out there. I have kept my decision to myself. The only person besides my doctor that know is my husband. (I finally told my best friend too!) My kids know I had surge

Entries in this blog

 

I don't have my glassess does the tag really say size 16?!?!?

2-10-09 Did I really just do that? Did I really just buy a size 16? Does it matter they are stretchy? Does it matter they are from Wal-mart? Does it matter that they are a little snug? Does it matter that I feel like I will be able to wear these forever? I can’t imagine ever growing out of (or shrinking out of) these. I started out a size 24. I dug out my old size 18 and that was the smallest jeans I’ve had. I wore a size 16 about 9 years ago for just a little bit. I haven’t worn anything smaller than that since high school. I want to do a happy dance, but I’m still saving that for onederland! I love my band! :w00t:
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

I am not longer OBESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M OVERWEIGHT! I want top shout it from the rooftops! I am overweight! NOT MORBIDLY OBESE, NOT OBESE. I am OVERWEIGHT! According to my Wii Fit my BMI is less than 30! YAY! Finally! 110.5# GONE! My next big goal is to weigh less than what my driver's license says! I've got 15 lbs. for that milestone!
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

How to Lap Band .....is that a dance?

This is how I am doing what I am doing.   1. The second most useful tool for me is keep VERY CLOSE track of what I eat on www.sparkpeople.com That is about all I do on there because I have this great support system here so I don't use it for that. This may even be my #1 most useful tool at this point until I reach my sweet spot. It helps me to make smart decisions. Remember the band is just a tool. It won't keep you from putting things in your mouth that will cause you to gain weight. Until we can all get out of bandster hell and get to that much talked about sweet spot. Many I have talked to can eat anything they want...just in bandster portions.   2. No potatoes, rice, pasta or bread. I say none, but I do have an occasional piece of thin crust pizza. I went without anything that resembled any other these for a month. I got these carbs out of my system. Oh, I still eat carbs. Don't get me wrong. I eat plenty of carbs. No atkins diet for me. But they have to be carbs with purpose. Veggies or fruits. I look at potates now, even mashed potatoes and think...nope, so not worth it!   3. This is also a BIG ONE. Anytime I look for something to eat I stop and ask myself "Am I hungry?" :bored:I know sometimes it sounds like a stupid question. Sometimes I say "Yes!" Most of the time I say no. Sometimes I have to stop, be still and really listen to my body. There have been times that I had that head hunger so bad I said Yes I am hungry and then stopped, put everything out of my mind and asked myself again. I wasn't physcially hungry. I don't know why I never got this before when I would diet or even not diet but just eat. There are times I think something looks great and I find myself thinking "I wish I was hungry so I could eat it!" How weird is that? You might really be hungry...but give it a chance. My doctor told me to do this on my phone consult and I think it has saved my bacon (no pun intended) quite a few times.   4. I try to plan my meals. I can't plan them out week in advance. I really can't plan them out 24 hours in advance because I don't know what I'll be in the mood for. I plan my meal a meal in advance. Especially supper because I want to keep within my calories for the day. I put in into Sparkpeople when I decide what to eat. That way I have the chance to change my mind if I've made a bad decision.   5. I am pretty happy with how I've lost, but sometimes it is pure will power at this point. Just this week I was on the eliptial at the gym and I wanted to quit and go home. I was tired, stressed out and had a million things to do. I literally had some very strong words with myself. Don't get me wrong I said them in my head. Everyone alread thinks I'm fruitcake without arguing with myself in the middle of the gym. :rolleyes2: I really had to say, "You want to quit? Go ahead. No one is making you stay. No one is going to do this for you either. Do you want to hit wonderland in April or June or do you want to wait for 2010? Stop right now and go home if that is the most important thing for you right now. But if you really want to surprise your family and inspire them to get the LAP-BAND® then you are going to have to stop wining and keep going. It is only 15 more minutes. Can you really not spare 15 minutes today to get healthy?"   6. I have committed to hitting the gym 3 times a week for 30 minutes of cardio each time. Last week I worked out 5 times (once was a 1 1/2mile walk outside) and I have started to do weights and sometimes I'm at the gym for an hour and that's great, but if I don't do any more than 30 minutes of cardio 3 times a week then I don't allow myself to get down about it. I've been told that you don't have to follow all of the guidelines all of the time, just most of them most of the time. I posted those guidelines here: My Bandster Guidelines..... - LAP-BAND® Surgery and LAP-BAND® Discussion Forum   7. I weigh myself everyday on my Wii so I can see how what I do affects my weight. It also gives me a graph so I can go back and see where I was and where I am. I have an excel spread sheet too to tell me where I will be and when if I lose 1 lbs a week or 2 lbs per week. It seems so small but it helps me see the big picture. I found it on-line and downloaded it!
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

Hello World...I'm back...with a new goal.

Hello all, It has been so long that I'm sure no one knows me or remembers me. That is okay. I need to be here. Hello...my name is Julie and I have a problem. Now that you know my name I need to share more about me. It isn't that I want to be here (althought I love this place!) it is that I need to be here!   I was banded in October of 2008. I weighed 285.5 starting my pre-op. I lost 14 lbs the 2 weeks prior to surgery and I lost 115 total in the year after I started this journey. In January we put our daughter in a Christian based residential program and I had to get another (week-end night) job to pay for it. Being the emotional eater that I am I gained 20 lbs. Wow! That sounds like a huge amount doesn't it? I guess it is. In the past few weeks I have lost about 5 lbs so that puts me up 15 from my lowest, down 100# from my highest and 30# away from my goal that I want to get to before I get a tummy tuck. I can't afford a tummy tuck right now, but I have to get down to that weight and should be there a year before the surgery so I better get started now.   I have started a new ticker....one that starts today and shows that I need to lose 30.5# to get to my P.S. goal. I have done better getting back to the gym. I don't have to work my weedend night job through the summer. I got a new job working from home and traveling so it will be a whole different set of challenges. It's got to be better than trying not to each when you are awake for 24 hrs straight!   3 goals for me to start with: 1. KEEP TRACK OF WHAT I EAT ON SPARK PEOPLE!!! (I think this is my best tool with the exception of the band!) 2. Cardio 3 times a week for 30 minutes. ( I have been lifting weights and I can't seem to lose # when I lift, only inches) 3. Eat only when I am hungry. Solid protein first. The good eating habits will fall into line if I can just get back to the basics.     I have to keep my eye on the goal. I am VERY goal oriented. So here I go. I hope to be back often. High /Surgery/Current/Goal 285.5/ 271 / 185.5/142.5 Banded - 10/29/08 Five fills - 5.9 cc/10cc 1 Unfil 5.65cc/10cc   Read My Blog: My Secret Journey
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Having a hard time....

I have really been having a hard time. June 27th was my lowest weight. I might have hit it one other time. I weigh about 3 lbs more than that. I maintained my weight for a few weeks, actually about a month before my vacation. I gain 3 lbs on vacation and lost it since I got back.   I know this is all great. I guess it is. That is what I would tell most people. My probelm is that I have lost that edge that I gained with this decision. I am still working out 3-6 days a week. Good work outs and I am really happy with how I am doing at the gym. My problem is what I am eating. I do pretty well and then I do something to really screw it up. Ice cream, cookies, popcorn. ugh! I used to not have any problem passing it up. Now I can't see to say no. I wonder if I just need to purge my system of the carbs or be less happy with my weight.   I lost my restriction on my vacation. I ate a pretzel and homeade pizza dough. Now you all know that I shouldn't be able to eat that. So I realize that my restriction is gone. I do still have appetite supression which is SO important. I have been able to eat too much. I haven't been pushing my limits, but I don't get full very fast. Before vacation I have had to really watch what I eat and take very small bites so I was afraid that I was too tight, but now I am starting to doubt that was the fact. I think I just need to be more careful about what I eat and the bites I take.   I think I am going to call my doctor tomorrow for an appt. My doctor is 7 hours away. It sucks to go that far and I haven't been there since April. I guess that is what I need to do.   Any advice? All comments welcome!
julie.ann

julie.ann

5
 

Happy Halloween!

10/31/08 0930: Happy Halloween. So far the pain has improved. I continue to take the liquid lortab. Shoulder pain comes and goes. The kids have been great and I have sipped some protein shake. 1330: I’m starting to get that “what did I do” feeling. No, not really a regret but kind of. I cooked frozen pizza for the family today. I’m not craving it. It isn’t like I am slobbering to get my hands on it. I am torn between telling myself that “I can’t have it again and don’t even think about it” and telling myself that “I can have it again in a small portion. I just have to be patient. “ I think once the gas pain is completely gone and I also start to see weight loss it will help. I hope.
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Half Way!!!! - 71 lbs!!!!!! Four months Post-op!!

2-21-09 I weigh 213.8 and just in case you didn't notice that puts a bigger number on the left side of my ticker than the right! I AM OVER HALF WAY TO GOAL and I have lost 50% of my excess body weight! YEAH! I am almost 4 months post-op. I love my band! I hope to be in onderland by April 1 and hit the -100 pounds by my 35th birthday in June!!!! Thank you guys for you great support. I thought I needed a fill. Starting to look for food again between meals. Well my hubby broke his foot and will be off of work for a month (surgery yesterday to put a screw in his foot where he broke it) so I don't think I can afford a trip to Denver. What I noticed picking up a few days a clinic for my practicum is that I didn't get hungry between meals. I think I have been fighting that very conniving enemy called head hunger. I'm usually quick to pick up on it, but I think it was sneaking up on me and that's what the problem has been. I thought I was very wise to head hunger but sometimes it is so hard to tell the difference. So I might not get a fill soon, but I think I will be ok with that. I'll have to see closer to the time if I have any money to go. I am supposed to go two weeks from tomorrow. So we were sitting the doctor’s office yesterday morning waiting for orders to go the hospital for hubby’s surgery. I was sitting there and comfortably crossed my legs. That is has been such a big deal for me. I told hubby look! This is comfortable! I used to not be able to do this. He winked at me :thumbup: and said that getting me to cross my legs was the opposite goal he had for me. He’s so funny sometimes! :thumbup: I told my doctor the following yesterday: Here is an arithmatic lesson. It doesn't look right, but I've found that if you check it....it does equal out the way it is written. 4 months post-op (almost) - 71 lbs = 50% excess body weight = 1/2 way to goal of healthy BMI I may not get down that low, but I hope to be close. Healthy is my goal. I thought I was needing a fill, but with hubby off work I don't think I can afford a trip to Denver besides I noticed the last two days working at the clinic that I wasn't really hungry between meals. I think I have been struggling with head hunger which can be MUCH WORSE than real hunger. But I have to be honest I have been really lucky in my results so far and getting restriction so early. I don't think my results are rare at all, but I bet I am in the top percentage of weight lost so..... um...I guess the word I'm looking for is...... easily? Not to say it hasn't been work. I started spinning class again on Wednesday. My butt is still sore! I read an article that said that a successfull band patient is one that loses 50% of their excess body weight and keeps it off indeffinately. I just need to keep it off. I'm already successful. I think losing any more than another 50 lbs is just gravy. My band’s name is Band Jovi…:drum:...I’m a huge fan!
julie.ann

julie.ann

17
 

Four Days post op 11/2/08

11/2/08   I know that I am going to start going downhill when it comes to writing in my journal so I better keep it up while I have a few minutes. I went to church today. Still no one knows about surgery. I’m glad. Today some friends are moving back into their house after several months. Usually I would be the first in line to help. My family is still going to go. I can’t lift anything and I don’t know what kind of believable reason I would give about not being able to help. I thought about saying that I had my appendix out while I was out of town. I feel bad about lying though. Maybe I’ll skip. I have lost some weight, but once I can eat I’m worried that I will gain it all back. I have to start working on getting 60 gm of protein. I don’t know how to do it without kickin back protein shakes, but 3 a day is what I should do and that will get my protein in. Well I guess I know what I need to do. I will work on that! Tomorrow is my first day back to work. I am nervous. What if I am hurting, what if I get grilled as to why I am just on liquids. I am keeping that appy excuse in by back pocket. …..……Well I went to our friend’s house to help. I just told 2 people that I had laproscopic surgery but I didn’t want a big deal made about it. I just didn’t want them to think that was being lazy. Guess what. I over did it! I got home at 6:00 pm and went straight to bed. I should have known better. I guess it serves me right. More later.
julie.ann

julie.ann

2
 

Food isn't my friend. It isn't my enemy. It is neutral.

10/22/08   I messed up. I have given up bread, pasta, rice and potatoes. That is my pre-op diet. I have been doing ok and I have lost 14 lbs. Tonight I forgot my ah, ha moment. I had a test and I failed. I went out with friends and I failed. I suffered a last supper. I thought I will have what I am craving and I know it will be full of fat, but I won't be breaking my diet. I won't go into it. I know many of you are on clear liquids. By what I had was breaded and I didn't think about it until after I was done. Of course the 3 grey goose and cranberry juices didn't help. I screwed up. So now I have to ask what did I learn from this. I learned that I need to remember that when socializing food doesn't make things more fun. That was my ah, ha moment. A few weeks ago I realized that food is not supposed to be fun. It is there to survive. It isn't fun. Fun is shopping for regular sized clothes and making love to your husband and feeling sexy. Fun is rock climbing and jumping up and down when you son makes a great miniature golf shot. Fun is sitting in a chair and feeling comfortable without a table in from of me to hide my body. Fun is not eating. Food doesn't want me to feel good. Food doesn't make me feel better. Food isn't my friend. It isn't my enemy. It is neutral. It is there to sustain life.   I flunked my test, but instead of feeling like giving up like I usually do I am going to learn from it. I wanted to get in the 260's before my surgery. I may have just cost me that milestone. I will survive. I will achieve. I will learn from my mistake. I will research and be prepared the next time I am invited out with friends. It may take more work....but a skinnier butt is worth it!
julie.ann

julie.ann

2
 

Five Days Post-op 11/3/08

11/3/08   I am hungry, but the thought of eating anything about makes me want to puke. I finally broke down and bought some liquid protien. 42g in 3 ounces. I had to. I couldn't get enough in. I can't even drink enough. I'm trying. I got over 60 gms of protein in with that. I bought six to last me about the next week. I am supposed to be able to start transitioning to soft food the day after tomorrow but I have decided to try some egg beaters tomorrow. A day early, but I want to try. :thumbup: I just can’t get enough calories or protein down. I caught my family physician up on the fact that I had surgery. He kind of figured it out since his wife was one of the two I mentioned I had surgery to. I was planning to let him know when I had a chance at work anyway. He and my husband are the only two around that knows what kind of surgery I had. He was surprised I had it so fast. I only mentioned it to him in September. Self pay moves a lot faster. Besides when I make up my mind I am not one to fiddle-fart around. (Wow did I really just use that phrase? :redface:) This is my first day without Lortab. I about started crying tonight; the left shoulder pain was so bad, but I laid down on my back on the floor for about 10 minutes and it really toned down the pain. I don’t know why that helps and I don’t really care. By the way…I still don’t regret my decision not to tell anyone. You see I can always change my mind and let people in on my decision, but once the cat is out of the bag……… Keeping this a secret is for me. It is personal. I'm not saying it is for everyone. I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t handle this monster called obesity by myself. I need to be okay with the fact that I needed surgery. Not wanted surgery, but NEEDED it. I needed it for me. I needed it for my personal life. I needed it for my self-confidence. I needed it for many different reasons. When I decide to let others in on it then I will. Maybe never….maybe soon. I think that will depend on my journey.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Finally back on the wagon!

It has taken me a while to jump back on the wagon. I have a hurdle to jump (as always) a business trip all next week! Those are tough. I might be ok if I work out every day. I have gotten the sweets and carbs out of my system and now my cravings are gone and it isn't hard to eat supper at 5:00pm and go to bed without eating. I forgot how this felt. I'm so glad I found it again. I have started to losing again. Yay! I have lost 3 lbs this week. I have to keep going. It feels better than I remember. It has been a long 3 month plateau. I am looking at changing my goal weight from 142.5 to 160. That is what I hope to be by Halloween. It is my goal for my halloween challenge. That will also put me at my 1 year Bandiversary. I am about 11 lbs from that now. I don't know if I should change my goal. Maybe I will know by then.   I have lost 114 lbs so far and thrilled to back on the wagon and losing again!!!!
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Education...Phase 4

Well my education seems to have just begun. I know some of you may know me. I was banded almost 6 months ago and I have lost 90 lbs. So why do I say my education has just begun?   I think Phase 1 is learning about the band and making a decision. Phase 2 is pre-op and post-op. Phase 3 would probablly be learning to live with having this tool. Well I am just learning what it means to be banded with a band that has not only hit the sweet spot, but reminds me at every meal. (Phase 4) I had my fourth fill 2 weeks ago. My fills usually take 10-14 days to really take full effect. I don't know why, but I have talked to many other bandsters that have the same phenomenon. Well this one started working immediately. So I was a little worried about what would happen 10 days later. Well now I know. Now if I don't take very small bites and chew, chew chew I spew, spew spew. Sorry, but that is the truth. I had PBing/vomiting twice two days ago, once yesterday and once today. I am begining to remember. Things have definitely changed. For instance this morning for breakfast 2 pieces of bacon and a tiny nibble of eggs was all that would go down before I could start to tell I had enough.   I have been lucky enought to have great results so far without the real "intense" restriction. I can't eat much now and have to take small bites. I hope that once I get used to this restriction it will help the lbs drop off. I am ready to get home from this conference and get back into my routine. I miss "the usual" stuff, and I miss my Wii Fit. I haven't weighed in since Monday. I'm am going through withdrawl.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Eating isn't fun, but I think that is okay...

11-14-08   I have come to the point where eating is not fun. I made this great epiphany during my pre-op diet. Remember how this goes…. Eating is for survival. It is to get enough nutrition to live. That is its main focus. It is not a reward. It does not console us. It doesn't take away boredom It doesn't listen to our problems. It is a fair weather friend....actually not even a friend at all. It is that bi*chy girl in jr. high that we thought liked us, but only pretends to until she can stab us in the back. I eat my protein and start on the rest and I find that to finish the 2-3oz of meat really loses the luster. Part of it may be that I’m not changing things up. (First a bite of one thing and then another.) Don’t get me wrong the protein I’m eating is very tasty. I’m getting used to not drinking with meals, but I think that is part of it too. I never realized just how much fun and fulfillment (no pun intended) I got out of eating before. I need to find some activity to take its place. I know that behavior is learned. I used to enjoy eating and tolerate physical activity. I need to learn to tolerate eating and enjoy physical activity. I guess I already have the first part down.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Doing better....at least with the exercise.

I am doing better. Are you ready for this? I have RAN/WALKED to the gym twice in the past week. That is huge for me because that gets 1 1/2 miles in one way....work out with weights and then 1 1/2 miles home. That has been a good way for me to get my cardio in. It addes time to my gym time, but if I can find the time it is a good thing. Eating is doing okay. I still have been having problems with sweets. My jeans (one size up from my smallest) is getting baggy on me again. TY!!!!! but I have gained a lbs. Well a smaller body with better muscle tone, I guess I will take it and hope that if I am more careful with sweets I'll not only see the work from the way my clothes fit, but also on the scale too. Still working at it. Always working at it. Worth it when you feel great about how you look AND fit into a smaller size.
julie.ann

julie.ann

0
 

Did I really postpone my first fill?!?!?!?

11-21-08 Oh what was I thinking? I was afraid that I would drive all the way out to Denver and then not get a fill because I'm doing pretty well. I called and postponed until Dec 16th and then I rethought, but by the time I called back my appt was gone so now I wait another 2 weeks. Maybe it was the right thing. I am losing at a good pace, but I get hungry every 3 hours and I am afraid of eating too much at one time and stretching my pouch. I eat about 1 1/2cups or maybe a little more. I stop when I feel hungry and it takes me about an hour to eat. I do eat while working at my desk, but that helps to distract me so I eat slower...not faster. I have one friend that has noticed that I have lost weight. No one at work has noticed. I think maybe 10 more lbs and people will notice. I stated at 285 and I'm down to 253. I know the bigger you are the harder it is to tell. My goal is to hit 239 by January 1st. That might be a big goal... I am hopeful. I made it to the gym 3 times this week! YEAH!!!!!! That is an accomplishment. Maybe I’ll go tomorrow too. I won’t feel guilty if I don’t, but I will feel even better if I do.
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Decision Time - August 2008

After my brother’s wedding I finally made the decision to have the lap band procedure. I don’t know where or how I will afford it, but I have decided to move forward. I spoke to Brad and told him why I wanted to do this. By the time I was done telling him why I was crying. He said yes we can after we sell our other house. Little did I know and lucky for me he wouldn’t hold me to that time table.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

Changing from a diet to a lifestyle...

1-17-08   Mentally I am doing pretty good. I think that the newness is wearing off. I am still motivated. I guess after 3 months things really are becoming more of a lifestyle change. It isn’t as hard to choose to eat healthy as it used to be. Today my hubby and kids wanted McDonalds. I went with DH to pick it up because I wanted to grab a couple of things at the store. It wasn’t even a choice I needed to make. I wouldn’t put myself in that situation over and over, but it was okay. I made myself one of these great stuffed chicken breasts that I found. They are at Wal-mart and they are about 230-270 calories, 7-8 carbs and 35 protein. It is so good and tasty. (It is Sam’s Choice brand and come in many different flavors. I like the pepper jack cheese and bacon.) Anyway my point is that I didn’t have any problem waiting the 30 minutes for my supper to get done because the band as curbed my hunger so much and THEN I couldn’t even eat the entire chicken breast before I was full. What I eat and make ahead of time has become a habit. Making food for the next few days has become habit. (I love my quick and easy chicken salad and I keep turkey breast around for a grab and go meal to eat at work with some cottage cheese and a veggie. )   My attitude toward this journey is starting to change. I’m not bored with it. That isn’t the right way to explain it. I guess like I said it is becoming more of a lifestyle. It is more of a normal way of life. I still get up every day and get on the Wii to weigh myself. I immediately get on lapbandtalk.com and record my weight change on my tickers. Every Friday I post my weight for my October 2008 group and every Saturday I have started to post for my Dr. Kirshenbaum group since I started their new challenge. Each Monday I record my weekly weight on my excel spread sheet that graphs my progress. This is a focus in my life, but I haven’t had to focus on it an intensely. It is nice. I just have to know how to balance everything in my life.     Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have always been that person that starts to wonder what will happen when things are just going too good.
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Better than Disney World!

FIFTY pounds gone forever! I can't believe it! Three short months ago I was getting ready to start my pre-op diet! It was 3 months ago that I was wondering if I would let myself down like I had every other time I tried to lose weight. It was 3 months ago I wondered if the band would work for me the way it worked for so many. Three months ago I was wondering what if I spend all this money…$265/mo for 5 years, to weigh the same as I did on my surgery day. I am over a third of the way to my goal. I can’t wait to see how I get there and when. It is like a trip to Disney World. It’s coming…I know its going to be great and so much fun once I get there. The anticipation is just about killing me!
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

Bandiversary Ideas.............

October will be here before I know it! I am thinking about Bandiversary ideas. I told hubby I want a TT and Breast Lift for my 40th birthday. I just turned 35, but I figure I will get a free consultation for my 39th so it is only 4 years away. By that time I should just have my surgery paid off! YAY! My size 12 pants are getting looser. I can't wait to fit into a size 10. One of my goals is to be a size 9 in '09. When I made that a goal I honestly never thought a size 12 was possible. Every smaller size is "gravey" (sorry for the food analagy, I guess I need a better way to say that!) I do like the idea of pictures. I just got a head shot done, but maybe an official full body picture is in order. I would LOVE to be at goal by then, but that will really be pushing it even if I keep a good pace. I am blessed at my current weight. I keep thinking about where I was one year ago. How it felt to sit in my chair to watch TV and sit in a chair and not be able to cross my legs. I remember a year ago sitting in the bleachers and feeling like a toad on a log just sitting there with my shoulders hunched over trying not to make eye contact because I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to talk to me. Tonight I went to my sons' football scrimmage and everyone kept commenting how good I looked, and damn it...they are right! :laugh:
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Back on the Wagon....

“In all fairness, some band patients do regain their weight. Many don't. The band is not magic. It's like any other weight loss program. It works as long as you do it. If you make a permanent lifestyle change and continue to eat healthy it can be permanent. If you drift back into grazing, eating junk or eating all soft foods the results won't last as long. It's not fool proof. Any fool can fool the band. Or you can choose to continue to work with it, heed the signals and do well. Like everything else about banding: your choice.” I’m not sure where I found this. It was from a bandster. I think this really sums up a lot about the band. I can succeed or fail with the band. This is still a war. I may lose a small battle, but as long as I still fight the war I’ll succeed with the band. I posted this as a response to another blog, but I think I’ll add it in here too….My blog is titled "My Secret Journey". I am the big mouth sharer everywhere I go. I'm sure people at work get tired of hearing all about my life. But this is personal. I think part of it is that I want the credit for the work and not for people to say "Oh she HAD to get that obesity surgery. She just lost the weight after that." I am not losing weight. I am getting rid of it. I think the term losing is a passive term and this journey is anything but passive!
julie.ann

julie.ann

2
 

Are you happy where you are?

I have noticed that since I have returned from my week at the beach that I have become more complacent about my routine. Happier about how I look and comfortable in the sizes I am fitting into. This is what I am going to refer to as the begining of my demise.....   I have to be more careful. I was at the gym last night and I had a very stern talk with myself. I am less than a week away from hitting my 6 month bandiversary and I am thinking I will be at the -95# mark by that day. Isn't that incredible? Yes...the problem is that I am starting to think so too. I have found that DiGourno Pizza has a thin and crispy crust pizza that is about the healthiest out there and unfortunately I have had it 3 times this week. Yes I eat my serving or maybe 1.5 servings and stop, but that isn't the problem. The carbs in that are usually what I allow myself for the entire day and I had 3 cookies today to. For all of those people that say that it is okay to splurge everyone once in a while....yes it is. Three times in one week, well not so much. I have to get back to thinking about my goals.   I started at 285# and I now weigh under 192#. Do I want to be here for the next 6 months? I am undermining myself and my goals for the future. I have a birthday in June and I want to be under 180 for my birthday.   Everyone has been very nice at work and I am getting those comments about people not recognizing me. I was called to help recover a patient yesterday and the OR nurse had to ask another nurse who I was because she didn't recognize me. I always say, "Thank you, that is very nice of you to say that." What I want to say is that I am picking very flattering clothes and that is part of the difference. But I just say thank you.   You know now that I am blogging about this I think I may have just come to a realization. (That is why I blog!) You may have heard me talk about McCutey (aka McFlirty McCreepyhands.) that was at my conference last week. I wonder if this is part of the reason that I haven't been on my best behavior. There might be a small part of me that is afraid of messing things up with DH. We have had our problems (9 years ago I almost called it quits), but the last 5 years has been the best because we are happy and he really is the best. He works hard and still is the best dad, does the laundry and other house work, is supportive in whatever goals I work towards and he is a sexy man. When I knew I might not hit my connecting flight back home last week I almost went back tot the hotel I was staying as for another night. I didn't because I felt like it might lead me into trouble. I figured getting stuck in an airport all night would be the much better plan. I need to realize that the more weight I lose the more attention I might get. I need to realize that some of that attention might be from attractive men. I need to realize that a man can flirt with me and that is all the farther it goes. I have to realize that sabatoging myself will not make me safer or happier. I need to realize that I need to get up off my big...ok medium sized butt and get back into the routine that has made me happy these last 6 months because if I weigh the same or more in a month or 6 months I will be very disappointed in myself. I have learned the secret to being healthy. If I walk away from it now it is like holding a winning lottery ticket and not cashing it in and then bitching about not having enough money to pay my bills.   I will do this. I will get back on the horse. I will work with my band one day at a time. Not a month or a week at a time, but ONE DAY AT A TIME! I don't want this to be the begining of my demise. I will make it the first step to my next 6 month journey......
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

Another fill.....then TOO TIGHT!

Well I had my fill and getting a fill is a little bit different. It is like childbirth. You know the basics and may have been through it before, but it is always a little different. I got a fill. My last fill was in April and was 0.7cc. So was the fill before. Yesterday I got 1.7cc. Then I somehow forgot to try a little cottage cheese and chicken salad in my vehicle before going out for something to eat. Usually I shop for about an hour before I eat, but I had a late appt and wanted to get on the road. I live 7 hours from my doctor. So onto TGI Fridays for my customary Sizzlin Chicken and Cheese. I took to very tiny bites of chicken and two bites of onions and pepers, checked out and PB'ed all the way back to the Dr.'s office. I got 0.4cc out and felt much better. I had to be careful on the way home and the protein shake this morning for breakfast went down pretty slowly. I thought I was surely too tight. Usually I am never tighter in the morning, but maybe I am now. I had 1/2c chicken salad for lunch and part of a chicken breast for supper. It has gone down really well. I guess in the next week will see what happens. It usually takes 10 days for my fill to take full effect, but I guess it is different every time!
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

After my 5th fill I am missing food.

Well I am much tighter than ever before. I miss food. I have always been able to eat about anything except bread, pasta, rice or potatoes and usually that was a choice, not a hard and fast rule. Well now the band is definately the one in charge. I have been concerned I am getting too tight. Really the problem is the AMOUNT of food I am eating. I only can eat about 1/2c. of food before I am DONE! Really done. Like another bite or so and I am PB'ing for a while. If I eat a cookie (I know I shouldn't and I don't all the time) I can only eat one and I am FULL! If I try to eat another I am PB'ing so it isn't WHAT I am eating. It is definately how much. I have been snacking more and not waiting to see how long I go before I am hungry. I am looking forward to Monday. I do better about being more conscious about eating at work. I am about a week out from my last fill. My fill usually hits it's peak at 10 days. So the next few days should tell me alot and tell me if I go back to Denver for an unfill. If I stay like this I think I will be fine. I am losing again! That is AWESOME! I forgot how great that was since I plateaued 2 months ago. I have to admit though, after being so wide open for so long and then getting a big fill, for the first time since being banded.....I am starting to miss food.
julie.ann

julie.ann

5
 

Acceptance......and a good bye to another Christmas.

12/26/08 Well I went back to the gym and worked hard. I have been gaining and losing the last 2 lbs over and over for about 10 days. I was so smug before thinking that I was lucky and doing so well….I guess it happens to everyone. Christmas is a hard time to diet. No doubt about that! I guess I should be happy if I don’t gain any weight this week. At one point I was 0.2 lbs away from my New Years goal. Now I am about 1.5lbs away. I don’t know if I will make it, but if I don’t make it by New Years it will be okay because I will make it soon. Ever since I really started focusing on that goal I haven’t done very well. I need to go back to the philosophy that said even if I mess up or don’t lose as fast as I want to I will lose it. It is ok not to be perfect. It is ok to mess up as long as I get back up and keep going. I am going to mess up. I have to expect it. That way it won’t hit me so hard when it happens. It will be ok and I will keep going and keep losing! I have to accept a new chapter in this Lap band book. I have to give up pizza. :embaressed_smile: I have been eating pizza occasionally. Too often lately. It has been around a lot. Today we helped some friends move. (I am actually exhausted and I don’t think I am going to make it to the gym tonight. I will tomorrow.) Anyway they ordered pizza for the group. I got stuck and started sliming at lunch and at supper. I thought I just wasn’t watching my bites well enough and I probably wasn’t, but I think it is time for me to accept that I have gotten tighter and that means no more bread. Not even pizza crust. I thought I would be upset and just want it more…but to tell you the truth I am kind of relieved. I think I needed an excuse not to eat it. My will power had failed me recently. It is time for me to get back to basics. I found out today that my grandpa passed away. I wasn’t close to him and the only reason I am going to the funeral is to support my mom. She needs some closure. Now my sister her 4 boys and my mom are coming home. That means I don’t get to surprise them this spring/summer with my weight loss. Oh…I guess I still will when I hit onderland, but it just won’t be as big of a surprise. I am still not planning to tell them about the lap band until I in onderland and much closer to goal so now I have to watch what I eat and not let them figure out what is going on. We’ll see what happens. I know that they will think that I went off the deep end if I tell them before there are more results. I need them to say “WOW! I wish I had done that!” Anyway….good bye Christmas. Parting is such sweet sorrow. I love you and hate your snacks and I can’t wait until next Christmas when I plan to be at goal! I pray it will be true!
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

A letter to my Doctor and his office staff....

I have been thinking about my band and my life. With a 7 hour drive home after my (3rd) fill there is alot of time for thinking.   I know that this monster I fight called obesity is a tough one. I have started to look at how it has affected my life.   Although my weight did keep me from doing a few physically active things with my family I have found that it was the emotioinal and psychological damage that my obesity caused that hurt the most. I would use my weight as a reason not to go out with my family. I wasn't comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching a game and if my kids were playing I would go to watch them and leave as soon as I could. I thought that no one would want to socialize with me because I was so obese. Sometimes I put it off on others. I judged them as unfair because I just knew that they were judging me.   Since I have lost over 70 lbs in this short time I have come to realize that I was holding myself hostage. It wasn't my weight that was keeping me from socializing. It was how I felt about myself because of my weight. It was how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin and how uncomfortable I felt with how I looked.   Having the gastric band procedure has helped me change a lot of my habits. It has helped me change what I eat and how I look at food. I have learned that I feel better when I eat healthy food and that portion control is just as important as food choices. I learned that it took me about 3 months for this to become a lifestyle. I have learned that I may lose weight by following the rules, but I will lose it much more quickly and at a rate that I am happy with if I exercise at least 3 times a week. I have learned that I am not perfect and every day is a new day to make the right decisions. I have learned the difference between head hunger and real hunger.   I think the one thing that Dr. K told me that has helped me more than anything else is when he said, "Don't eat unless you are hungry." I am a smart person. I know that is the way it should be, but hearing him say it just made it click in my head. Now if I want to eat something I ask myself, "Am I hungry?" If the answer is no I go back to what I was doing. I started that the first day of my pre-op diet and I ask myself that question every day. Sometimes I even find myself thinking, "Boy I wish I was hungry so I could eat that!" This band is not a magic pill. I am working hard for what is happening, but I know without the band it would not be happening. This is the best weight loss tool I could ever imagine!   I love going to my fill appointments (and not becuase of the 14 hours I spend on the road in a day.) I love it becuase the staff is so wonderful. You (Natalie) and Mary make me feel welcome. You have since the first day I met you. Even before I met you when you answered my email on a Sunday night! That meant a lot to me, when I reached that point that I just had to do something and reach out to take that first big step to contact your office.   When I come in for a fill Dr. K looks and my weight loss and says "Great! Do you think you need a fill?" and then he really listens to the reasons that lead me to believe it is time for a fill. His extensive experience and his low price made this dream for me come true. I never thought, being self pay, I could afford this with a hubby and 3 kids. Dr. K made it possible!   So I have to say thank you. Thank you for giving me my life back! Thank you for helping me to take my life back.     Julie Ann Surgery Oct. 29, 2008 Start/Now/Goal 285/210/142.5
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
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