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About this blog

This is my journal towards weight loss. This is where I can come and put everything out there. I have kept my decision to myself. The only person besides my doctor that know is my husband. (I finally told my best friend too!) My kids know I had surge

Entries in this blog

 

Are you happy where you are?

I have noticed that since I have returned from my week at the beach that I have become more complacent about my routine. Happier about how I look and comfortable in the sizes I am fitting into. This is what I am going to refer to as the begining of my demise.....   I have to be more careful. I was at the gym last night and I had a very stern talk with myself. I am less than a week away from hitting my 6 month bandiversary and I am thinking I will be at the -95# mark by that day. Isn't that incredible? Yes...the problem is that I am starting to think so too. I have found that DiGourno Pizza has a thin and crispy crust pizza that is about the healthiest out there and unfortunately I have had it 3 times this week. Yes I eat my serving or maybe 1.5 servings and stop, but that isn't the problem. The carbs in that are usually what I allow myself for the entire day and I had 3 cookies today to. For all of those people that say that it is okay to splurge everyone once in a while....yes it is. Three times in one week, well not so much. I have to get back to thinking about my goals.   I started at 285# and I now weigh under 192#. Do I want to be here for the next 6 months? I am undermining myself and my goals for the future. I have a birthday in June and I want to be under 180 for my birthday.   Everyone has been very nice at work and I am getting those comments about people not recognizing me. I was called to help recover a patient yesterday and the OR nurse had to ask another nurse who I was because she didn't recognize me. I always say, "Thank you, that is very nice of you to say that." What I want to say is that I am picking very flattering clothes and that is part of the difference. But I just say thank you.   You know now that I am blogging about this I think I may have just come to a realization. (That is why I blog!) You may have heard me talk about McCutey (aka McFlirty McCreepyhands.) that was at my conference last week. I wonder if this is part of the reason that I haven't been on my best behavior. There might be a small part of me that is afraid of messing things up with DH. We have had our problems (9 years ago I almost called it quits), but the last 5 years has been the best because we are happy and he really is the best. He works hard and still is the best dad, does the laundry and other house work, is supportive in whatever goals I work towards and he is a sexy man. When I knew I might not hit my connecting flight back home last week I almost went back tot the hotel I was staying as for another night. I didn't because I felt like it might lead me into trouble. I figured getting stuck in an airport all night would be the much better plan. I need to realize that the more weight I lose the more attention I might get. I need to realize that some of that attention might be from attractive men. I need to realize that a man can flirt with me and that is all the farther it goes. I have to realize that sabatoging myself will not make me safer or happier. I need to realize that I need to get up off my big...ok medium sized butt and get back into the routine that has made me happy these last 6 months because if I weigh the same or more in a month or 6 months I will be very disappointed in myself. I have learned the secret to being healthy. If I walk away from it now it is like holding a winning lottery ticket and not cashing it in and then bitching about not having enough money to pay my bills.   I will do this. I will get back on the horse. I will work with my band one day at a time. Not a month or a week at a time, but ONE DAY AT A TIME! I don't want this to be the begining of my demise. I will make it the first step to my next 6 month journey......
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

Lead us not into tempation....

I went to the beach last week for a conference and things went pretty well. I was able to work out 4 days last week and I did pretty well eating with only a few cheats. I did drink too much alcohol and I know those are empty calories but I had a good time and I even lost a little weight.   Ok so here is the thing that happened that is kind of weird. I could be wrong....It has been a while.....but I think that one of the docs was flirting with me. Yeah, I know! WEIRD!   He was a McCutey! I DID tell him I was married and talked about what a great guy DH is. Expecially after he asked me if I was staying over an extra night. I asked if he had family (I promise I was wondering if he had kids, you know small talk). He must have taken it wrong because he told me he was divorced. I asked "No kids?" He said yes and I asked him if he didn't consider them family. He said he thought maybe that wasn't the question.   I know I have been married a long time (almost 16 years) but how many different reasons can a guy find to touch you. Geesh! My arm, shoulder, leg, back and that was sitting at a table with 8 other people having a nice....not too personal conversation. I have to admit (but not to my hubby) that it was very flattering,(probablly because he was so damn cute and well put together....give me a break I'm married not blind) but it was also a little strange to be back into that group of the population that has to worry about some random guy flirting with her.   My general goal for quite some time has been simply to blend in and not be noticed as the "big lady walking my way" or "sitting next to me." I have wanted to feel invisible, or that I look like the average person walking down the street. I have just begun to feel that way. I don't have to use a "professional persona" as my shield at business trips, but I guess now I have to see what happens when my real personality is out there in front of everyone. That is kind of scarey. I don't even know if I can let anyone really get to know me the "real" me.   I am starting to wonder who that is....
julie.ann

julie.ann

10
 

Education...Phase 4

Well my education seems to have just begun. I know some of you may know me. I was banded almost 6 months ago and I have lost 90 lbs. So why do I say my education has just begun?   I think Phase 1 is learning about the band and making a decision. Phase 2 is pre-op and post-op. Phase 3 would probablly be learning to live with having this tool. Well I am just learning what it means to be banded with a band that has not only hit the sweet spot, but reminds me at every meal. (Phase 4) I had my fourth fill 2 weeks ago. My fills usually take 10-14 days to really take full effect. I don't know why, but I have talked to many other bandsters that have the same phenomenon. Well this one started working immediately. So I was a little worried about what would happen 10 days later. Well now I know. Now if I don't take very small bites and chew, chew chew I spew, spew spew. Sorry, but that is the truth. I had PBing/vomiting twice two days ago, once yesterday and once today. I am begining to remember. Things have definitely changed. For instance this morning for breakfast 2 pieces of bacon and a tiny nibble of eggs was all that would go down before I could start to tell I had enough.   I have been lucky enought to have great results so far without the real "intense" restriction. I can't eat much now and have to take small bites. I hope that once I get used to this restriction it will help the lbs drop off. I am ready to get home from this conference and get back into my routine. I miss "the usual" stuff, and I miss my Wii Fit. I haven't weighed in since Monday. I'm am going through withdrawl.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

This is why I had surgery!!!!

So here I go with more NSV. Why am I writing about these? Well I have come to accept that there will be a day that I don’t remember what it felt like to be where I am right now. I have stated to forget how it actually felt to be where I was 6 months ago. I remember the things I had to do (position pillows to get comfortable to sleep, ask for a window seat on the plane so I could smash myself up against the side and not take up too much room, buy 5x shirts because I wanted them loose and baggy) but not how if felt to roll over in bed and I remember the tears I cried after being intimate with my husband but not how embarrassed I was with my body, even with a man that always told me I was beautiful and he loved me. I’m writing this down so that when I get to place that I need motivation I will have it in my own words.   So on with the story. I walked into Maurice’s yesterday to look for some cute jeans. That would be different than just looking for jeans that fit. It is much more fun to look for cute jeans. Anyway I walked into our local Maurice’s that has regular sizes and plus sizes. The size 4, teenage sales girl asked me if she could help me and I told her that I was jean shopping and she pointed to the REGULAR size side of the store and started telling me what was on sale. Ok…do I need to point out that she did not ask me what size I wore or tell me what was on sale on the plus size side or even glance in that direction. I couldn’t believe it. I stood there for a second reveling in the moment. If I would have stood there any longer I could tell she was getting ready to ask me if I needed something else. It was FABULOUS!!!! I have decided that I am officially out of the plus size stores. :smile2: Ok so I tried on the flare leg and those are always too tight on my big old thighs. No surprise there, but when I tried on a looser fit, stretch low rise, (low rise…..H-E-L-L-O-!-!-!) :eek:I was absolutely overwhelmed to see that the size 13/14 was about too big. I checked the tag thinking I grabbed the wrong ones, or it was marked wrong. I didn’t even try on the 15/16. I would have gone to a size 11/12 (!!!!) but I didn’t like the wash on them. They looked too young for this old mom. My 15yr old daughter was with me and liked them but agreed that maybe they were too young of a style. Well I walked out of the store without jeans, but I was not bothered in the least. I was on cloud nine! Ok so I know you might think that alone would be enough to get through the next month or so…but there is MORE!   Today I am on my way to a conference. I haven’t flown for 7 months. So just to recap I had surgery about 6 months ago and have lost 90 lbs…..Do you see where I am going with this? Okay so first I got on the little plane (one seat on one side and 2 on the other) and I was able to walk down the aisle facing completely forward. No turning in the aisle to fit my too wide body down it. I was smiling and I’m sure if anyone was watching me and not asleep at 6:00am they would have wondered what the deal was with my sly little smile. :tongue2: So I found my seat and sat down and I didn’t have any arm rest cutting into my thighs. I put my bag under the seat and buckled my seatbelt and had about 8 inches to spare! Before it would have been at the largest setting and probably would have been uncomfortable on this tiny plane. So I wanted to grab a blanket and I unbuckled my belt and got up and got one and sat down and rebuckled and then I realized I didn’t grab a pillow and I jumped up again and rebuckled without any major production. I couldn’t believe it. So the plane wasn’t very full and about ¾ way through the flight I ….. CROSSED MY LEGS! :tongue:Yep you heard me. Now I will admit that my leg was out in the aisle some and with traffic I would uncross and get out of the way, but I think you know what a HUGE deal this is for me. I enjoyed walking out of the plane too with my butt actually fitting down that aisle! Skinny people that have never been obese just wouldn’t understand what a big deal this is! I was in the airport and looking for breakfast and I was starting to get worried. I saw McDonalds, a donut shop, a breakfast wrap restaurant and finally a BBQ with bacon/sausage and eggs. Whew! I’m glad I kept looking. One meal down on this 5 day trip. Only 14 left to go!
julie.ann

julie.ann

12
 

Keep on paddling and stop drifting in the water....

This weekend was a tough one for me. I cheated both Saturday and Sunday. I haven't eaten less than stellar for 2 days in a row since I was banded almost 6 months ago. I was doing well and the weight was dropping, but just like every other time I concetrated on my weight or a certain goal I started to drift in the water.   It is like being out in the middle of ocean. If I look at how far I have to paddle my little boat to find dry land, I start to give up and think that drifting will eventually get me somewhere. It also happens when I paddle hard and when I have almost reached land I think that it won't hurt to take a little break for the day and before you know it I have drifted back a few miles (pounds). If I stop concentrating on all of that and just know that every day I have to paddle all of the sudden I look up and I am on the beach! Does any of that make sense to anyone but me?   I have a stupid NSV for you. I bought a belt. Okay...that isn't it. I actually wore the belt yesterday with jeans and my shirt tucked in. I am starting to tuck in my shirts! That is another NSV. It only took losing 90 lbs to get me to that one!   Well I have shared the fact that I had surgery with some of my friends. I did have one say during the conversation when I said that I am working hard she added that I couldn't have done it without the surgery. I know it is true, but there it was and I feel like it be-littles the hard work I am putting into my weight loss journey. She didn't mean it in a bad way and I'm sure doesn't think I gave the comment another thought. I know more people with think and say things like that as more people find out. There is part of me....a big part of me that wishes I would have just kept it to myself, but you can't unring a bell.   I am still proud of what I have done and will continue to do it. I just have to remember to paddle........ everyday........ without fail........ I will be on the beach before I know it!
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Letting people in on my secret....

Today I have taken a huge step for me and decided to share my experience with others around me. Until now the only people that have known has been my hubby, a friend that I told in Nov/Dec and last week I told another friend as she went with me to my latest fill. I have shared my story with the girls I break with at work. Why? Well I was at work in one of the nurse's stations and someone was nice enough to pay me a compliement. I said thank you and when asked told them that I was watching what I ate and work out . They kept going on and more people started until finally I just politely left. It made me uncomfortable because I felt like I was lying by omission. I kind of felt like I should tell them the entire truth. I talked to my friends that knew and they said that people would wonder anyway. I know it was my decision and a little part of me will always want to keep it to myself, but part of me wanted to share it too. I still wonder if I did the right thing. It is still a little confusing. My friends at work were really supportive and happy for me. We will see what happens next.
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

The fill has kicked in!

Okay....so much for it taking 10 days for the fill to kick in! I had a fill two days ago and I can tell!!! I even have to really watch my bites I haven't had to do that in months. I have to admit that I am a little worried about how tight I will get in the next 10 - 14 days. I guess we will see. Maybe this will get me just where I need to be. For the first time I didn't schedule my next appointment. We will play it by ear. I am hoping that it will be 2-3months or more before I need to go back. My six month banniversary is coming up. I will post pics soon. I can't believe that my next goal is the -100lb mark. So far I am down 86!!!
julie.ann

julie.ann

5
 

ONEderland in less than 6 months!!!

April 4, 2009 Well the day is here! It is time to do the ONEderland Happy Dance!!!! I can’t believe it!!! I want to scream it to the heavens! I had this grand goal to hit it by April 1st. It happened a few days late, but who am I to complain? I just can’t believe it! In under 6 months I have gone from 285lbs to 199lbs. I just can’t believe it! My next goal is to get to the century mark and lose 100 lbs. That is about 15 lbs and my next goal is Memorial Day. I have big news on top of that. I shared my experience with a friend. This sounds like a small thing, but it isn’t for me. I have a 7 hour drive one way for a fill and I asked a friend to go with me. About 45 minutes into the drive I told her why we were headed out to Denver. I was very nervous about sharing with someone else. I’m not ready for everyone to know. I guess I am more ready than I have been in the past because it isn’t a question of whether or not I will be successful. She told me that sooner or later people or going to start to wonder if I had something done because usually people plateau and I haven’t yet. She might have a point, but have to tell people on my terms when I am ready. She even came back and saw me get a fill. I did get a fill yesterday. I was on the fence about whether or not to get one. I have been doing pretty good. I was surprised that I needed 0.6cc. Everything went down without a hitch after that….water, lunch, supper. No problem and we will see how things set in about 10 days when the fill takes effect. I still find it funny that it takes that long to kick in. Well this fat girl will keep doing the happy dance all day and someday I might realize that I’m not the fat girl I used to be. I still have a long way to go, but I’m not sure when my head will catch up with my weight.
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

The other side of the ticker....

I am close to ONEderland. I have lost over 80 lbs and that is great, but I am starting to look at the other side of the ticker. I finally have less than 60 bls to loose to make it to goal. 50-something is a great thought when you start with 140 on that side! I also see this as an amazing accomplishment to get to the point in my journey that I start to look at the goal and not getting 25% to goal or 50% to goal. I'm sure I will celebrate ONEderland (hopefully next week) and I think I will treat myself to a manicure when I get to the century mark. The small goals I set for myself are great but this is a milestone I didn't anticipate and it is a great surprise! I know I am still months and months away from goal, but I am starting to feel like it is something I can accomplish and this is the first time that I really started to feel that way. It was just arbitrary goal. A couple of days a go a friend said "Another 60 lbs? Really?" I said well that is a healthy BMI. What should my goal be? He couldn't really argue with that. If I get down to 165 that will be awesome and losing anything more than that will be gravy. I hope I can get to 142.5 That will be half of what I used to weigh and that is my goal. I always say "Aim high if you want to accomplish great things!"       Banded 10-29-08 Dr. Kirshenbaum Denver, CO Self Pay - $9950
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Putting things in perspective....

Today I faced the blizzard and made it to the gym. The owner and I were the only two people there and he commented that I had lost a lost of weight since my ID picture had been taken when I joined the gym. I told him yes, just a little over 80 lbs so far. A little bit later he said he wanted to show me something before I left. I finally got done with my cardio and went to see what he wanted to show me. We walked over to the free weights and he picked up a dumbell and placed it on the floor. He said can you pick that up. I bent my knees and worked hard to get it off the ground. I was able to pick it up, but barely and put it down quickly. He said that is 80 lbs. That is what you have lost so far. I just blew me away. I know my body is changing, but that really put it in perspective.   I am just 3 lbs from ONEderland. That was my April 1st goal. I'm thinking I might just miss it. The reason I bring it up is because when I start to concentrate on the pounds to lose I start craving things. It makes me think about what I can't eat....what I have to deprive myself of to lose a few pounds. As soon as I stop thinking about numbers and start thinking "lifestyle" those feelings of deprivation goes away. I was thinking that I want pizza. I want the taste. I should be able to eat it. I deserve it.   Then I start thinking like a bandster with a differnt lifestyle.....   I don't need it. I'm not even hungry so why am I thinking about food? I can eat it if I want to, but it isn't healthy and I will feel bad afterwards. It isn't that I can't have it. I can eat anything I want, but I chose not to eat it and feel bad. It is my choice.   The craving basically went away. It is amazing the difference it make in HOW we think about food. That really puts my cravings in perspective. I do have a goal to make and I will try hard and next Saturday if I still want pizza then I will get a slice of thin crust. If I don't want it then I won't eat it.   I will be at my 5 month bandiversary in just 2 days. I can't believe how different my life was just 6 months ago. I love my band! I wish I would have done this years ago. My 35th birthday is in June and I hope to have lost 100lbs by then. That will be the best birthday I've had in a LONG time!!!
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

NSV...SV...Victories all over the place.

Okay...where do I start. I know if has been a while since I have posted and I am ready to share some great stuff that has been going on directly related to my band.   First a BIG NSV (non-scale victory) I went shopping today for a new pair of jeans. I have been wearing a size 18 (I know I can't believe I've been in a size 18!!!) A couple of people have commented that they are getting baggy. Not falling off or anything, but baggy in the but, so I decided to find some that fit me ok. I tried on a size 16 only to find they were too big too!!! OMG!!! So I went out to get a smaller size thinking that they would be too small and THEY FIT!!!! (I am shouting for joy now) I FIT INTO AND BOUGHT A SIZE 14 JEANS!!!!!!! I haven't fit into that size since somewhere around my sophmore year in high school!!! I still can't believe it!!! I know all jeans are different and I tried on several brands and styles and I could button all of them. I just didn't like most of them and some were too tight, but that's okay. I've also been thinking about getting a body shaper. I am really noticing how much I will be needing a tummy tuck and breast lift. My body is beginning to look like a deflated ballon. Anyway while I was in Walmart I tried on a size 2xl cami body shaper and it was too big so I got an XL. I can't believe the difference! It only cost $16 and it is amazing and comforatble so I will be wearing that most days to work now. I also got lucky and found some amazing deals on clothes that fit me. $5 for a skirt and the same for pants. I kept grabbing the size 18 and kept going back tot he rack to get a size 16. (These can not be even a little snug...they are for work)   Okay...next victory. I went out of town last week. I was gone from Tuesday to Friday and I STILL LOST WEIGHT!!! I had to eat out for every meal and was "wined and dined" for two of those (for work not pleasure) and I still lost weight and worked out! VICTORY!!!! YAY! This is the trip every year that usually gets me off track. I have another one next month, but I am more confident that I can make it!. I did find myself starting to feel sad that I couldn't eat more of the stuff I liked, but then I was so grateful because I realized that the band was dong just what I wanted it to do. It was giving me a reason to not over eat. I could have kept gong but I would have felt horrible and I don't want to stretch my pouch. I love my band. I had to say no to fresh hot pretzels and pastries all week, but that is ok. I could have eaten it, but chose not to. The band has helped me make those tough desicions. I know I could have eaten around the band and drank a TON of expensive alcholic drinks and incredible soft deserts, but I have learned a new lifestyle and since I have worked so hard for 5 months I was ready to hit the road and still make good desicions. I have lost 80 lbs and I am 5 lbs from ONEderland. I can't wait to get there. Have I mentioned I love my band? His name is Band Jovi:drum:
julie.ann

julie.ann

9
 

What is wrong?!?!? Stretched Pouch?!?!

As you can see by my stats below in the last 5 months I have really done pretty well. I am NOT complaining about my progress at all. My concern is that although I usually don't eat any more than 1 1/2 cups of food I am worried about having a stretched pouch. I have in the past month or so eaten pizza twice and I am shocked by how much I can eat. I know I shouldn't eat it and I usually do VERY WELL by today I ate about half of a red barron thin crust pizza. That shouldn't happen. I can feel that I ate too much, but not like I felt in the begining. No pain. Just a full feeling. I don't get hungry too often. Every 4-5 hours. I eat 3 meals a day and rarely have a snack. My biggest problem has been constipation, but being able to eat this much without much fight from my band worries me. I thought I just needed a fill to help me get full faster, but after eating so much I am wondering if that isn't the problem.   I have heard that a liquid diet for a week or so can shrink a slightly stretched pouch. I'm thinking about trying this for the next 4 days or so. I know you may think I should run to my doctor. I have a fill in 3 weeks and I thought I really needed it. Keep in mind I live 7 hours away from my doctor.   Please give me your feedback. __________________ High/Surgery/Current/Goal 285.5/ 271 / 207.0/ 142 Banded - 10/29/08 Three fills - 4.1cc in 10cc band   April 1st Challenge
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

Just because I can eat it doesn't mean I should!!!

I partied last night. For the first time in almost 5 months I really over did it in every way. I drank (althought had as few of calories as possible doing it) and ate much more than I should have. My husband's family had a "benefit" dinner for my son. We are sending him to Austria in July with an Ambassador program. We have been fund raising and so his aunt invitedthe whole family over and cooked mexican food and had everyone over for a donation dinner. The first round of supper I did a good job. I ate the the right amount of portions and was no longer full. I just had a fill 2 days ago and things were going good. But then with every drink my inhibitions lowered. I remember when me and my girlfriends would say don't let me do anything stupid when I am drunk. Then we were talking about guys....now I will be talking about food! I drank and ate and I be after 4 months of keeping my calories under 1200 a day (usually 800-1000/daily) I betI ate 3000 calories. My fingers are swollen, My face feels greasy. I don't feel good at all. I have proven to myself that with the band I CAN eat anything (I kind of already knew that) but just because I can eat it doesn't mean I should. I didn't listen to my stomach that was satisfied I listened to my head that will always be happy to take in more food. Here is the great thing. Today is a new day. We are 5 hours away from home, but I have packed my meals in case there aren't good choices around and so I am not worried about getting back on the program that is my life. I may have put myself back a week. I may not reach ONEderland by Aprill 1st. That is my fault and I will still get there. No, the band isn't magic, It is a tool. I don't want to be so tight that I CAN"T eat anything. I just have to be good listen to my stomach and put that child that is my head hunger back in the box. Today is a new day!
julie.ann

julie.ann

5
 

A letter to my Doctor and his office staff....

I have been thinking about my band and my life. With a 7 hour drive home after my (3rd) fill there is alot of time for thinking.   I know that this monster I fight called obesity is a tough one. I have started to look at how it has affected my life.   Although my weight did keep me from doing a few physically active things with my family I have found that it was the emotioinal and psychological damage that my obesity caused that hurt the most. I would use my weight as a reason not to go out with my family. I wasn't comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching a game and if my kids were playing I would go to watch them and leave as soon as I could. I thought that no one would want to socialize with me because I was so obese. Sometimes I put it off on others. I judged them as unfair because I just knew that they were judging me.   Since I have lost over 70 lbs in this short time I have come to realize that I was holding myself hostage. It wasn't my weight that was keeping me from socializing. It was how I felt about myself because of my weight. It was how uncomfortable I felt in my own skin and how uncomfortable I felt with how I looked.   Having the gastric band procedure has helped me change a lot of my habits. It has helped me change what I eat and how I look at food. I have learned that I feel better when I eat healthy food and that portion control is just as important as food choices. I learned that it took me about 3 months for this to become a lifestyle. I have learned that I may lose weight by following the rules, but I will lose it much more quickly and at a rate that I am happy with if I exercise at least 3 times a week. I have learned that I am not perfect and every day is a new day to make the right decisions. I have learned the difference between head hunger and real hunger.   I think the one thing that Dr. K told me that has helped me more than anything else is when he said, "Don't eat unless you are hungry." I am a smart person. I know that is the way it should be, but hearing him say it just made it click in my head. Now if I want to eat something I ask myself, "Am I hungry?" If the answer is no I go back to what I was doing. I started that the first day of my pre-op diet and I ask myself that question every day. Sometimes I even find myself thinking, "Boy I wish I was hungry so I could eat that!" This band is not a magic pill. I am working hard for what is happening, but I know without the band it would not be happening. This is the best weight loss tool I could ever imagine!   I love going to my fill appointments (and not becuase of the 14 hours I spend on the road in a day.) I love it becuase the staff is so wonderful. You (Natalie) and Mary make me feel welcome. You have since the first day I met you. Even before I met you when you answered my email on a Sunday night! That meant a lot to me, when I reached that point that I just had to do something and reach out to take that first big step to contact your office.   When I come in for a fill Dr. K looks and my weight loss and says "Great! Do you think you need a fill?" and then he really listens to the reasons that lead me to believe it is time for a fill. His extensive experience and his low price made this dream for me come true. I never thought, being self pay, I could afford this with a hubby and 3 kids. Dr. K made it possible!   So I have to say thank you. Thank you for giving me my life back! Thank you for helping me to take my life back.     Julie Ann Surgery Oct. 29, 2008 Start/Now/Goal 285/210/142.5
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

Half Way!!!! - 71 lbs!!!!!! Four months Post-op!!

2-21-09 I weigh 213.8 and just in case you didn't notice that puts a bigger number on the left side of my ticker than the right! I AM OVER HALF WAY TO GOAL and I have lost 50% of my excess body weight! YEAH! I am almost 4 months post-op. I love my band! I hope to be in onderland by April 1 and hit the -100 pounds by my 35th birthday in June!!!! Thank you guys for you great support. I thought I needed a fill. Starting to look for food again between meals. Well my hubby broke his foot and will be off of work for a month (surgery yesterday to put a screw in his foot where he broke it) so I don't think I can afford a trip to Denver. What I noticed picking up a few days a clinic for my practicum is that I didn't get hungry between meals. I think I have been fighting that very conniving enemy called head hunger. I'm usually quick to pick up on it, but I think it was sneaking up on me and that's what the problem has been. I thought I was very wise to head hunger but sometimes it is so hard to tell the difference. So I might not get a fill soon, but I think I will be ok with that. I'll have to see closer to the time if I have any money to go. I am supposed to go two weeks from tomorrow. So we were sitting the doctor’s office yesterday morning waiting for orders to go the hospital for hubby’s surgery. I was sitting there and comfortably crossed my legs. That is has been such a big deal for me. I told hubby look! This is comfortable! I used to not be able to do this. He winked at me :thumbup: and said that getting me to cross my legs was the opposite goal he had for me. He’s so funny sometimes! :thumbup: I told my doctor the following yesterday: Here is an arithmatic lesson. It doesn't look right, but I've found that if you check it....it does equal out the way it is written. 4 months post-op (almost) - 71 lbs = 50% excess body weight = 1/2 way to goal of healthy BMI I may not get down that low, but I hope to be close. Healthy is my goal. I thought I was needing a fill, but with hubby off work I don't think I can afford a trip to Denver besides I noticed the last two days working at the clinic that I wasn't really hungry between meals. I think I have been struggling with head hunger which can be MUCH WORSE than real hunger. But I have to be honest I have been really lucky in my results so far and getting restriction so early. I don't think my results are rare at all, but I bet I am in the top percentage of weight lost so..... um...I guess the word I'm looking for is...... easily? Not to say it hasn't been work. I started spinning class again on Wednesday. My butt is still sore! I read an article that said that a successfull band patient is one that loses 50% of their excess body weight and keeps it off indeffinately. I just need to keep it off. I'm already successful. I think losing any more than another 50 lbs is just gravy. My band’s name is Band Jovi…:drum:...I’m a huge fan!
julie.ann

julie.ann

17
 

A journal entry from August.....A flashback from the begining.

I'm sure this is something you have either heard before or have experienced. I am scared of getting banded. Not the surgery or the change in lifestyle, but....what if I don't succeed? Am I hiding behind my limitations and once I have this there is nothing to hide behind? I have lost weight and gained weight and lost it again and found it plus some. I know how to lose weight. I am looking for the tool to help me make this a change of LIFE.     I am thinking that I don't want to tell anyone about it. I don't want people to say, "Yeah, she had surgery. She HAD to have surgery." I think part of it is that I am embarrased to admit that my weight has started to impact my everyday life. From the rare airplane ride that I have started to dread because of the seats and the seatbelts to the difficulty with intimacy with my wonderful sexy husband because I feel too self conscious about myself.   I don't want my kids to know. I guess I feel that I have failed on my own and I need help. A lot of help. I feel like a failure.   Oh please don't be mad at me. I don't feel like everyone that has surgery is a failure. In fact I have been very excited since I made the decision to take this big step. I guess it is the ups and downs of feeling crappy about myself. I recently got together with my sisters and I was the biggest one. Three of us have always been big, but this time I was the grossest. I have been looking at pictures today. At 5'4" and 275lbs of course I look bad. Sometimes you just don't know until you have to look at it. I dress professionally everyday for work, but I can't even cross my legs. I don't feel comfortable just sitting in a chair unles I have a table in front of me to lean on and hide behind. I do feel that some people are less than welcoming to me because of my weight. I want to change that. I want to be able to cross my legs. I want to be able to enjoy traveling because the seats are comfortable. I want to put on clothes and feel good. I want to wear a size 16 or less. How sad it that? I want to wear a size 16. People who wear a size 16 hate that size and feel too big. About 8 years ago I have a thyroid disease and lost weight. I weighed 170 lbs. I desparately want to feel that way again. I want my husband to want to be with me because he finds my sexy, not just because he loves me. (Wow. How many women say just the opposite!) I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to WANT to be in pictures.   I want this surgery more than anything right now. I want to be proud. I want to be healthy. I want to love what I see in pictures.     Well, I had the surgery at the end of October. I have made this a LIFE change so far. I haven't told anyone really except my doc, my hubby and a friend. Intimacy is SO MUCH BETTER!!! I look forward to flying in April for business because I don't worry about the seats and seatbelts. I think I am now the SMALLEST sister although I won't see any of them until I visit them this summer and they don't know yet. I just bought a size 16 pants and I can cross my leggs and frequently do sitting at my desk at work.   I love my band. His name is Band Jovi!:drum:
julie.ann

julie.ann

9
 

I don't have my glassess does the tag really say size 16?!?!?

2-10-09 Did I really just do that? Did I really just buy a size 16? Does it matter they are stretchy? Does it matter they are from Wal-mart? Does it matter that they are a little snug? Does it matter that I feel like I will be able to wear these forever? I can’t imagine ever growing out of (or shrinking out of) these. I started out a size 24. I dug out my old size 18 and that was the smallest jeans I’ve had. I wore a size 16 about 9 years ago for just a little bit. I haven’t worn anything smaller than that since high school. I want to do a happy dance, but I’m still saving that for onederland! I love my band! :w00t:
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

*Results not typical (???)

2-7-09     *Results not typical (???)   I have seen that little asterisk next to all of those people that have supposedly lost weight on all of those diet programs. If those results aren’t typical then why are they telling us that we can do what they did? If that isn’t the expected outcome for the majority of people then why are they shoving them in our face? I was banded in October. I am almost 4 months from the time I started my pre-op diet. Four months ago I weighed 285 lbs. Today I weigh about 222 lbs. Is that typical? I have seen others in my Smashing Pumpkins group (that is what we called ourselves that where banded in October) that have done just as well if not better than I have. Some have not lost as much as I have, but are doing GREAT! I think that most people can do great with the band. Then every once in a while I run into a thread where people say that they can’t lose weight. They have tried, but they are hungry and they haven’t lost much. Is that typical? I ask myself have I done something they haven’t. I have had to really listen to my body to find the difference between head hunger and true hunger. I think that is the hardest thing to do and the biggest hurdle to climb. Telling the difference between the hungers. Well that is getting off of topic. My question is what is typical? Everyone is different. Are my results typical? I think they are because this isn’t has hard as I thought it would be. It is tough and lately I have been eating more. I need to go back to watching my calories a little closer although I still keep track of everything. Pick a day in the past 4 months and I could tell you what I ate and how many calories I had along with carbs and protein. It is that cookie I decide to splurge on a couple of times a week. That is the little stuff I need to watch. I think I have had a cookie 5 times in the past 2 weeks. It tastes good. I don’t feel deprived, but is that taste and feeling worth the extra 22 carbs that are in that little cookie? No I guess not. I am down to a size 18. I’m glad I kept these from 5 years ago. These are the last pants I have left before I have to start buying smaller sizes. I have a suitcase full of clothes that don’t fit me anymore. I have lost 63 lbs. Is that enough? Am I happy with the weight I am now? NO! So next time I have to put that damn cookie down and ask myself ARE YOUR REALLY HUNGRY? IS IT WORTH LOSING 2 LBS THIS WEEK INSTEAD OF 3? IS THAT TASTE OF CHOCOLATE WORTH NOT FEELING AS GOOD ABOUT MYSELF LATER?   Are my results typical? For me I guess they are and if I want to keep it coming I better not use my great results as an excuse to slow down now!  
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

Shouldn't losing weight be......harder than this?

2-1-09 Now I hope that I don’t have people throwing things at me after I say this. I don’t know if I’m more afraid of having heavy objects thrown at me or food thrown at me. I could dodge the heavy items, but I might not try so hard if it is ice cream or pizza people are throwing at me. I‘ve been thinking the last few days that this should be harder than it is. Oh don’t get me wrong, in the beginning and post-op it was hard enough! But now it appears that I have hit my sweet spot. About 1 -1/2 cups of food and I am good. I don’t get hungry until my next meal. I follow all of the bandster guidelines that I posted here. I was even able to refuse free pizza last night (the best pizza in town even!) and I stopped to get the guys Sonic when we were in town but I ate the healthy food I had packed with me. Yesterday morning I worked out and as I was running all over doing stuff with the kids I couldn’t believe that my work out was done for the day. What I needed to do to lose weight was done for the day already and I was showered and dong family stuff at 9:45am on Saturday. How easy was that! I guess because I have gotten to the point that the food choices are a lifestyle I don’t really think that much about the diet factor anymore. I have to work on getting to the gym. Maybe that is why it seems so much easier. I have half as much to worry about. I’m not saying that I never eat anything that isn’t healthy. Last week I had a cookie after lunch and I also had a tiny square 3 musketeers, you know the bite size kind. I worked it into my calories for those days. Today might be tougher because I am going to a super bowl party today. I know they will have chili there so I will be able to eat that or else I would take some healthy choices myself. I might eat before we go over there so that I’m not hungry looking at all of the food. (I will probably do that!) Anyway I guess I know that it could become more challenging when I need another fill for if (knock on wood) something would happen and I would need a band revision. That scares me the most because this surgery won’t be paid off for another 5 years. Anyway I will take the feeling that this should be harder but is pretty easy at the moment because I knwow the closer I get to goal the harder it will be to lose. I talked to my family practice doc a couple of days ago. I told him that I was going to wait until I was halfway to goal to let him know but since I was working in his office I just couldn’t keep it to myself since I had lost 60 lbs already. He was shocked and asked what I meant by not being halfway to goal. How much did I expect to lose. What was my goal? That really surprised me. I told him my goal was a healthy BMI. I don’t think he ever expected me to be able to lose that much. Yes, I am his first lap band patient. (I’m pretty sure.) My sister and I had a conversation a few years back about people in my family not being able to be “skinny” and weigh anything close to 140 because we are ….”big boned” (yeah don’t stop me if you’ve heard this because we have all heard this or thought this at one time or another) “We just aren’t built to be skinny.” I disagreed with her and now I am going to prove her wrong! I will be surprising them with my weight loss in July. I can’t wait. I should be down 100 lbs by then!:smile:
julie.ann

julie.ann

2
 

Three Month Bandiversary!!!

Have you seen a big girl do a happy dance? Okay......Honestly I am saving that for onderland celebration, but guess what I hit today!   WOW 60 pounds gone!!!! YAY!!!:cheatfree:   Oh yeah...today is my 3 month bandiversary!:cheatfree:  
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

OMG! Getting stuck is not for sissys!!! And not for me!!!

1-28-09 I got stuck. I don’t mean my weight. I’m talking about my chicken breast I made for supper. If you have never had anything S-T-U-C-K then I can’t even begin to tell you how horrible and miserable it is!!!!! I have done some small time sliming in the past, but tonight was the first time I did any PBing (productive belching). I couldn’t have imagined what that was like! When I have slimed in the past I would have some belching trying to move that piece of whatever (usually meat) down to my stomach. This time I might have a tiny belch and all this slime would come up and I couldn’t control it. I can’t believe how much would come up around the chicken I had stuck. BLAH!!!!! It took about 80 minutes to get past it. I couldn’t believe all of the sudden it passed and I was okay. My throat is still sore. I’m going to take it easy. Needless to say I didn’t eat supper tonight. I followed that ordeal with a protein shake and a couple of pieces of cheese latter on. I wanted to keep things liquid or soft. I also didn’t make it to the gym tonight because of this. I was going to go after I finished supper. I guess tonight supper finished me. This morning I was starting my metabolism up about with a Morningstar sausage. I a bite that was a tiny bit too big and it slowed me down. I started thinking maybe my fill from 2 1/2 weeks ago started working and tightening me up. I've always been tighter in the evening....I guess so! I hope I never do something stupid enough to make me feel like that again!!!! :cheatfree:
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

Irrationally upset by crazy coments.....

1-27-08   Okay I know that I should be flattered with all of the attention. I am happy that people can tell that I have lost weight. But I find myself getting a little pissy about some of the comments. I know they all mean well. There is this lady at work that compliments me, “You are looking so skinny…now promise me you won’t gain it back.” Like I ever lost weight and PLANNED to put it back on. It wasn’t bad until about the 10th time she said it in two weeks.   Then there is this other guy that just kept going on today about how good I looked and how skinny I am getting and how dedicated I am. Sure, I know I shouldn’t complain, but he just kept going on about how he just couldn’t BELIEVE how skinny I am.   Okay let’s clear the air here. I am NOT SKINNY!!! I am not even half way to goal. I weigh 226.9 and that is the weight some people are when they are banded. My butt is still plenty big and I have big ‘ol fat rolls. I am happy how well things are going and I know that people who weigh what I did when I started or more may be wondering what I am complaining about.   I guess it seems like people are saying “WOW your fat butt looks skinny compared to how crappy you looked before! ….So as fat as you are now you know how huge you used to look!” I know this might sound stupid, but a “Hey you look good!” is a big enough compliment for me. Friends are different. I don’t mind that so much, but co-workers that you don’t see outside of work….It might be different if I was skinny. You know another 70 pounds from now. (ok maybe even 50 pounds)   I was very nice and tell them thank you, but today it just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Sorry, I needed to vent. It happens every once in a while. :cheatfree:  
julie.ann

julie.ann

20
 

My favorite Band Friendly Foods...

1-25-09     Some of my favorite foods!   Sizzlin Chicken and Cheese (Inspired by the dish of the same name at TGI Friday's)   Saute pepper and onion strips in EVOO Spray Chicken Breast grilled or pre-grilled and warmed melt 2 pieces of american cheese on top. Takes about 10-15 minutes to from chopping veggies to eating if using pre-grilled chicken.   Excellent! Full meal! ------------------------- Quick and easy chicken salad. 1 can of chicken 2-3 tblsp light miracle whip 2-3 tblsp sweet relish garlic pepper to taste Mix it all and refridgerate until needed. Makes TWO servings. This is a main dish for me. It takes about 3 minutes to make. I take it to work. ------------------------------------------   Cold Turkey Mix 3 oz turkey breast - I like it refrigerated ½ cup cottage cheese ¼ cup frozen peas – thawed. Mix all together and enjoy. Mixing the textures helps the turkey breast go down easier. It might sound gross, but I LOVE IT!!! And it is so healthy! Hormel Roast Beef - great stuff. On package has about 3.5 servings. Sometimes I have a side of veggies with it and sometimes I mix it with cottage cheese like above. ----------------------------------------------   Stuffed Chicken Breast from walmart Sam’s Choice brand They have different kinds. I really like the artichoke and spinach or the pepper jack cheese and bacon or the swiss cheese and jalapanos. It has 230-270 calories, 7-8 carbs and 30-35 protein. It is enough for an entire meal. It fills me up! -----------------------------------------   Chili Dogs – Super Bowl is coming!!!   2 97% Fat Free Hebrew National Hot Dogs 3 Tblsp Chili dog sauce – Great Value Brand   I just heat it in the Microwave.
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

Testing my new lifestyle.....

1-23-09   I went out to eat today and I was so scared I was going to blow it! I almost said no to those that were visiting from out of town, but I thought that at some point this would happen. I would need to eat out without planning for it. I needed to face it and see how I would do. I just said that this was becoming a lifestyle. Well life has unexpected twists. Would I handle this with style or fall back to my old ways?   I told them what I always order. (Chicken chimichanga with a huge plate that had cheese, guacamole, beans and rice on it along with the deep fried chimi.) Two of the four ordered it. I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t tempted. I thought of how good it would taste and how crappy I would feel. I thought about my weekly weigh in with my online support group tomorrow. I still wondered how I would say no. I thought about hitting the 220’s today for the first time. I STILL thought about it!!!!   I was absolutely RELIEVED when I realized that the band wouldn't let me completely pig out. That got me thinking straight. I ordered two tacos. It was just another reason I love my band! I had three tortilla chips with salsa and ONE taco and I was done. It was AWESOME!!!! I took the other taco and gave it to a co-worker.   I don’t know what the scale will say in the morning, but I won’t be terrified about stepping on it!
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Changing from a diet to a lifestyle...

1-17-08   Mentally I am doing pretty good. I think that the newness is wearing off. I am still motivated. I guess after 3 months things really are becoming more of a lifestyle change. It isn’t as hard to choose to eat healthy as it used to be. Today my hubby and kids wanted McDonalds. I went with DH to pick it up because I wanted to grab a couple of things at the store. It wasn’t even a choice I needed to make. I wouldn’t put myself in that situation over and over, but it was okay. I made myself one of these great stuffed chicken breasts that I found. They are at Wal-mart and they are about 230-270 calories, 7-8 carbs and 35 protein. It is so good and tasty. (It is Sam’s Choice brand and come in many different flavors. I like the pepper jack cheese and bacon.) Anyway my point is that I didn’t have any problem waiting the 30 minutes for my supper to get done because the band as curbed my hunger so much and THEN I couldn’t even eat the entire chicken breast before I was full. What I eat and make ahead of time has become a habit. Making food for the next few days has become habit. (I love my quick and easy chicken salad and I keep turkey breast around for a grab and go meal to eat at work with some cottage cheese and a veggie. )   My attitude toward this journey is starting to change. I’m not bored with it. That isn’t the right way to explain it. I guess like I said it is becoming more of a lifestyle. It is more of a normal way of life. I still get up every day and get on the Wii to weigh myself. I immediately get on lapbandtalk.com and record my weight change on my tickers. Every Friday I post my weight for my October 2008 group and every Saturday I have started to post for my Dr. Kirshenbaum group since I started their new challenge. Each Monday I record my weekly weight on my excel spread sheet that graphs my progress. This is a focus in my life, but I haven’t had to focus on it an intensely. It is nice. I just have to know how to balance everything in my life.     Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have always been that person that starts to wonder what will happen when things are just going too good.
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
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