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About this blog

This is my journal towards weight loss. This is where I can come and put everything out there. I have kept my decision to myself. The only person besides my doctor that know is my husband. (I finally told my best friend too!) My kids know I had surge

Entries in this blog

 

Post Plastic Surgery

I know I've been gone a while. I was banded in October 2008. I have lost over 100 lbs. I may not have hit my goal in fact I have been the same for about 2 years give or take 15 lbs at times. Not unhappy. In fact I ran my first 5K in September. I am ready to get back to running in the next 4 weeks.   I just wanted you to know that I am post PS by about 10 days. A few months ago I finally decided that I didn't know what it would take but I would get it done. Sort of the same way I finally moved forward with band surgery. I had a breast lift and Tummy Tuck. I almost cryied today looking in the mirror. I still have 4 drains. One in a breast and 3 in my tummy. I am having to pack my belly button to help it heal but I tried on a few pieces of clothes today. Why am I crying? Because I look normal. I am still a good size. I have a ton of swelling still and I have been about a size 12 but of course with all the extra skin and such I have been wearing undergarments to try and pull in the layers and rolls. I didn't do this to look sexy (not like a model or anything) I did it to feel better about myself, be able to look more professional in my top level meetings, and feel better about myself, but at 10 days post op I am looking in the mirror and all I can say is I look normal. I finally look normal. That sounds so mild but I am jumping up and down inside. (not on the outside I would pull something). Before PS I didn't even want my husband to see me without my clothes on and now I am so happy. I can't wait to get the drains out. I am back to work in a week. I wanted to share...I LOOK NORMAL with or without clothes on. I feel like I have come full circle. Couldn't be happier.
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

Hello World...I'm back...with a new goal.

Hello all, It has been so long that I'm sure no one knows me or remembers me. That is okay. I need to be here. Hello...my name is Julie and I have a problem. Now that you know my name I need to share more about me. It isn't that I want to be here (althought I love this place!) it is that I need to be here!   I was banded in October of 2008. I weighed 285.5 starting my pre-op. I lost 14 lbs the 2 weeks prior to surgery and I lost 115 total in the year after I started this journey. In January we put our daughter in a Christian based residential program and I had to get another (week-end night) job to pay for it. Being the emotional eater that I am I gained 20 lbs. Wow! That sounds like a huge amount doesn't it? I guess it is. In the past few weeks I have lost about 5 lbs so that puts me up 15 from my lowest, down 100# from my highest and 30# away from my goal that I want to get to before I get a tummy tuck. I can't afford a tummy tuck right now, but I have to get down to that weight and should be there a year before the surgery so I better get started now.   I have started a new ticker....one that starts today and shows that I need to lose 30.5# to get to my P.S. goal. I have done better getting back to the gym. I don't have to work my weedend night job through the summer. I got a new job working from home and traveling so it will be a whole different set of challenges. It's got to be better than trying not to each when you are awake for 24 hrs straight!   3 goals for me to start with: 1. KEEP TRACK OF WHAT I EAT ON SPARK PEOPLE!!! (I think this is my best tool with the exception of the band!) 2. Cardio 3 times a week for 30 minutes. ( I have been lifting weights and I can't seem to lose # when I lift, only inches) 3. Eat only when I am hungry. Solid protein first. The good eating habits will fall into line if I can just get back to the basics.     I have to keep my eye on the goal. I am VERY goal oriented. So here I go. I hope to be back often. High /Surgery/Current/Goal 285.5/ 271 / 185.5/142.5 Banded - 10/29/08 Five fills - 5.9 cc/10cc 1 Unfil 5.65cc/10cc   Read My Blog: My Secret Journey
julie.ann

julie.ann

1
 

The band is doing it's job, but I am not....

It is time to blog. I have been away far too long. Let talk about my band. My band is perfect. I have restriction (or whatever you want to call the perfect adjustment) I get full quickly. My hunger is controled. So now you get to hear about what happens if you don't do your part.   You gain weight! I have gained. I don't know how much. I don't want to step on my Wii Fit to find out. So here is the perfect example of why you have to work the band. It doesn't do all the work for you.   I have only been hitting the gym about twice a week. I have been eating unhealthy food and I have been eating when I am not hungry. I haven't been keeping track on what I am eating. I know that I can come here and no one will judge me, but I also know that I need to start blogging again and getting back to the rules. -Keep track of what I eat (on sparkpeople) -Cardio at least 3 times a week -Don't eat unless I am hungry -Solid protien first then a health side until I am full   I have heard plenty of storied of people that say that the band doesn't work. Well I lost 115 lbs in one year. The band works for me, but I know if I don't work at it I will fail. The band helps. It makes it easier, but if I don't want it bad enough I will gain the weight back. I can lose more weight and all I have to do is follow the rules.   I have found that since I have given up almost all bread, pasta, rice and potatoes that I have developed a killer sweet tooth. I have to get that stuff out of my system. I am really looking forward to the New Year to jump start my loss, but I am starting right now!     I also have to admit and face the fact that I am an emotional eater. I have been banded over a year and lost over 100 lbs and I am STILL and emotional eater. We are looking at putting our 16 year old daughter in a Christian based residential program because of her bad choices and everytime I think about it and have to deal iwth it I want to eat. I feel it like an alcoholic looking for a drink. I am looking to pick up a part time job to make an extra $2000 a month to put her in this 15 month program. I work Monday through Friday days and now I may have to work Friday and Saturday nights (RN). I worry about working more and working out less and emotional eating. I guess every day is a new set of challenges. I know blogging with help and I am so glad that I have this place to come!
julie.ann

julie.ann

11
 

Irrationally upset by crazy coments.....

1-27-08   Okay I know that I should be flattered with all of the attention. I am happy that people can tell that I have lost weight. But I find myself getting a little pissy about some of the comments. I know they all mean well. There is this lady at work that compliments me, “You are looking so skinny…now promise me you won’t gain it back.” Like I ever lost weight and PLANNED to put it back on. It wasn’t bad until about the 10th time she said it in two weeks.   Then there is this other guy that just kept going on today about how good I looked and how skinny I am getting and how dedicated I am. Sure, I know I shouldn’t complain, but he just kept going on about how he just couldn’t BELIEVE how skinny I am.   Okay let’s clear the air here. I am NOT SKINNY!!! I am not even half way to goal. I weigh 226.9 and that is the weight some people are when they are banded. My butt is still plenty big and I have big ‘ol fat rolls. I am happy how well things are going and I know that people who weigh what I did when I started or more may be wondering what I am complaining about.   I guess it seems like people are saying “WOW your fat butt looks skinny compared to how crappy you looked before! ….So as fat as you are now you know how huge you used to look!” I know this might sound stupid, but a “Hey you look good!” is a big enough compliment for me. Friends are different. I don’t mind that so much, but co-workers that you don’t see outside of work….It might be different if I was skinny. You know another 70 pounds from now. (ok maybe even 50 pounds)   I was very nice and tell them thank you, but today it just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Sorry, I needed to vent. It happens every once in a while. :cheatfree:  
julie.ann

julie.ann

20
 

When will I be happy with my body?

You know I want to start out by saying that I am going to get a little whiney and for those of you who cannot sympathize with Goal Limbo then you are going to hate this post. But I come here to voice my NSV, my SV and so I will post my whining too.   I will attach a couple of pictures here. These are my 1 year full body pictures. I have my pre-op pics on my profile page if you want to see. I'm not at my home comptuer or I would upload those. I am so very not happy with my body. I'm not talking about the drooping girls in front. I have to expect that after losing 115 lbs. I am talking about my "big" tummy and the fact that from the side I have no waiste. AT ALL! How depressing is that? When I see myself in the mirror and in pictures (which is the real test) I am actually pretty happy with my front view. I have never had to worry about hips like one of my sisters. I am broad acrose the back, but that has gotten more propotionate lately and with my "sucker-inner" as I call my cami-body hugger I don't have a lot of loose looking skin and it help keeps the girls up. (without the sucker-inner it isn't quite as pretty ) From the side I have absolutely no waste. Infact I think my belt in is direct allignment to the girls up top. People at work call me skinny, which doesn't tick me off like it used to when I thought they were kind of making fun of me. I had a girl at work that thought I weighed 130 lbs. Okay that made me wonder if she was making fun of me again, but I don't think she was. I weigh 170 and I told her so, but I am pretty fit and wear a size 11/12. I would LOVE to go down one more size and hit a 9/10 comfortablly. But I digress..... What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my body. I am a short little thing. Only 5'4". I know that makes a big difference in the way I carry my weight. I know that one year ago when I was wearing a size 22/24 I would have swore when I fit into a size 11/12 that I would be estatic with my body. Now all I see is fat when I look at my profile in the mirror. Oh another thing on these pictures is that I still have a !@#$% double chin! WHAT? I thought I got rid of that. I will have to walk around with my nose in the air so that thing isn't as noticable! Oh I know what some of you are thinking....."What is she complaining about? If I could lose that weight I would be so happy I would never complain" Yeah, I hope that is true because it is what I thought a year ago. Maybe this is good. I have been so happy with my weight and my body that I have gone into maintaince mode. I guess maybe I needed to get to point where I am not happy to get my weight loss moving again. I am so frustrated, but on the bright side it makes me want to go to the gym. It is funny when I first hit this weight and this size I thought I looked good. I am starting to see how skinny girls can actually with a straight face say they think they are fat. I always kind of thought that it was a ploy to get attention, but they actually look in the mirror and don't see a nice figure. Oh this sucks. I guess I will ride the rollercoaster, hopefully get a few more pounds off of my body and hope for a waist line. I have to wait another 4 years before my surgery is paid off and I can get a tummy tuck/ lipo and a breast lift. I hope the next four years seem to go as fast as the last one!  
julie.ann

julie.ann

10
 

Just about a year out and my pics.....

Well I will have my bandiversary this week. Hard to believe. I keep thinking about what I was doing a year ago and how I felt and how hopeful and excited and scared I was. I was so afraid that this wouldn't work. Would I spend this money and not do what I had to do. I knew it would be hard, but what if I failed? I wouldn't have anything to hide behind. I would have pulled out all the stops and still weighed 285 lbs and stood at only 5'4". Okay I am still 5'4", but now am about 170-175 lbs. My lightest has been 168 and I need to get back on program. I have been maintaining, but I would like to lose more....and I will. I know I will because I know I can. I am starting to not be happy with what I see in the mirror. I want to get down another size, but at a size 11/12 I never would have thought 1 year ago that I would have wanted to lose more than that. I am happy with my progress. I have had 4 fills and 1 very recent unfill. I am really perfect now. (you know what I mean) I am thankful every day! Money has gotten tight and I know that the $263 monthly surgery loan payment is the biggest part of that, but I can't help but think that it is still worth it. I look at pictures of myself from before and my kids and husband say they don't even remember me looking like that. I am used to people I know looking right past me. I have even found myself not striking up a conversation when I am in a hurry (like in line at Walmart) because it takes people a few seconds to even figure out who I am and then they want to hear all about how I lost my weight. I still haven't told EVERYBODY, but I have told a lot of people. For all of those wondering if you should get banded....know that it is hard work. It is a high protein diet for me and you HAVE to learn the difference between stomach hunger and head hunger, but if you are willing to work hard and want a tool that will help you get there.....this is it. I love my band! [/url]  
julie.ann

julie.ann

12
 

My first of many NSV (Non-scale victories!)

11/9/08 I’ve already begun to pull clothes out of my closet I haven’t worn in years. And that started just a week post-op and continues. I can’t believe it. I am already ….um…..more comfortable with my husband. Okay that was kind of weird putting that down. I’ve moved to weighing myself on the Wii Fit. It says that I’ve lost a total of 27 lbs and I’ve got from a BMI of 49 to 44.11. That is amazing! I was embarrassed of my BMI even on the boards, but I feel more “normal” for a new bandster now. I’ve upped my calories to 1000-1200 per day. I think that is where I need to be to keep the weight moving and I plan to start back to the gym this week. I haven’t gone to the gym regularly since about May. I hope that will jump start my weight loss even more. I still worry about my port and band and I can’t wait until my first fill. Not just for the fill but to be reassured that everything is ok with my port and band. I don’t know what I will do if I need a revision. Self pay means I definitely have to worry about that stuff!
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

My (tiny) Unfill...............

I just got my unfill on Friday. It is so nice to be able to take a glass of water and drink it right down!   I went to TGI Fridays and had my customary sizzlin chicken and cheese for lunch after my adjustment. I was able to each 1/4 of my serving and was full and satisfied and not get stuck. I think Friday was the first time of no PBing for a really long time. I am looking forward to making it a week without PBing and them even more. One day at a time. So far it has been 3 days.   Dr. K wanted to start by taking out 0.5cc. I told him I was thinking 0.1cc. I love the fact that he listens to me. We started at 0.1 removed and ended up after "tuning the band" with a total of 0.25cc removed. Not much if you look at it, but I could really tell a differce. I drove 14 hours round trip today to have 0.25cc removed. Wow!   I already know that I won't make my Halloween goal, but I am ready to get on my path. Soft Calorie Syndrome really was tough for me the last month. It might take me another 6 months to lose the last little bit I have to lose, but in less than a year I have lost 115 lbs so I know better than to complain!
julie.ann

julie.ann

2
 

Soft Calorie Syndrome

After almost a year being banded.....   Okay, so I have addmitted to myself that I am too tight. I have fallen into soft calorie syndrome. It sucks. I hope I can get a tiny unfil on Monday. My weight loss has been so-so and eating is too hard. I have fallen to soft foods, especially ice cream. BAD BAD BAD!!!!! Kind of depressing, but I want to get the unfill before I have to worry about a slip or erosion.
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

Into the 160's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!! I am out of the 170's! I weighed 168.9 lbs today! Awesome!   I too started to platuea after about 8 months. I needed another adjustment that I put off for 3 monthsl I also changed up my diet a little. My supper mostly is tilapia fish and a side of cottage cheese to help with the texture. With a high protein breakfast and noon meal the weight has started to move again. I had started to cheat with sweets and it had stalled my progress. Still hitting the gym. I still do much better if I track everthing I eat at www.spartkpeople.com. If I don't track it then I eat one or two things that really screw up my band. I love my band. I might be a little tight. If I was closer to my surgeon I would get a tiny unfil, but if I am mindful of what I eat and the bites I take then I do okay.   I'm in the 160's! I just about can't stand it!!!!:thumbup:     High /Surgery/Current/Goal 285.5/ 271 / 168.9/142.5 Banded - 10/29/08 Five fills - 5.9 cc/10cc   Halloween Goal: Weigh What my Driver's License Says I Do!
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

Finally back on the wagon!

It has taken me a while to jump back on the wagon. I have a hurdle to jump (as always) a business trip all next week! Those are tough. I might be ok if I work out every day. I have gotten the sweets and carbs out of my system and now my cravings are gone and it isn't hard to eat supper at 5:00pm and go to bed without eating. I forgot how this felt. I'm so glad I found it again. I have started to losing again. Yay! I have lost 3 lbs this week. I have to keep going. It feels better than I remember. It has been a long 3 month plateau. I am looking at changing my goal weight from 142.5 to 160. That is what I hope to be by Halloween. It is my goal for my halloween challenge. That will also put me at my 1 year Bandiversary. I am about 11 lbs from that now. I don't know if I should change my goal. Maybe I will know by then.   I have lost 114 lbs so far and thrilled to back on the wagon and losing again!!!!
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

Bandiversary Ideas.............

October will be here before I know it! I am thinking about Bandiversary ideas. I told hubby I want a TT and Breast Lift for my 40th birthday. I just turned 35, but I figure I will get a free consultation for my 39th so it is only 4 years away. By that time I should just have my surgery paid off! YAY! My size 12 pants are getting looser. I can't wait to fit into a size 10. One of my goals is to be a size 9 in '09. When I made that a goal I honestly never thought a size 12 was possible. Every smaller size is "gravey" (sorry for the food analagy, I guess I need a better way to say that!) I do like the idea of pictures. I just got a head shot done, but maybe an official full body picture is in order. I would LOVE to be at goal by then, but that will really be pushing it even if I keep a good pace. I am blessed at my current weight. I keep thinking about where I was one year ago. How it felt to sit in my chair to watch TV and sit in a chair and not be able to cross my legs. I remember a year ago sitting in the bleachers and feeling like a toad on a log just sitting there with my shoulders hunched over trying not to make eye contact because I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to talk to me. Tonight I went to my sons' football scrimmage and everyone kept commenting how good I looked, and damn it...they are right! :laugh:
julie.ann

julie.ann

3
 

I am not longer OBESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M OVERWEIGHT! I want top shout it from the rooftops! I am overweight! NOT MORBIDLY OBESE, NOT OBESE. I am OVERWEIGHT! According to my Wii Fit my BMI is less than 30! YAY! Finally! 110.5# GONE! My next big goal is to weigh less than what my driver's license says! I've got 15 lbs. for that milestone!
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

After my 5th fill I am missing food.

Well I am much tighter than ever before. I miss food. I have always been able to eat about anything except bread, pasta, rice or potatoes and usually that was a choice, not a hard and fast rule. Well now the band is definately the one in charge. I have been concerned I am getting too tight. Really the problem is the AMOUNT of food I am eating. I only can eat about 1/2c. of food before I am DONE! Really done. Like another bite or so and I am PB'ing for a while. If I eat a cookie (I know I shouldn't and I don't all the time) I can only eat one and I am FULL! If I try to eat another I am PB'ing so it isn't WHAT I am eating. It is definately how much. I have been snacking more and not waiting to see how long I go before I am hungry. I am looking forward to Monday. I do better about being more conscious about eating at work. I am about a week out from my last fill. My fill usually hits it's peak at 10 days. So the next few days should tell me alot and tell me if I go back to Denver for an unfill. If I stay like this I think I will be fine. I am losing again! That is AWESOME! I forgot how great that was since I plateaued 2 months ago. I have to admit though, after being so wide open for so long and then getting a big fill, for the first time since being banded.....I am starting to miss food.
julie.ann

julie.ann

5
 

Someone mentioned anorexia?!?!?!?

Well I am in Denver for my next fill. I haven't had a fill since April and I have been having a little "last supper syndrom" since I am so open. I know it isn't a good thing, but that is what has been happening. I am just reporting here. I really am ready to get back on the wagon. I have still be working out and so I have been maintaining. I am still within 4 lbs of my lowest. Kind of bouncing around. the same few numbers.   I have a 7 hour drive home from my doctor's appt so I have the "Beck Diet Solution" audio cd pack to listen to. It is a good series/book about learning to "think like a thin person."   I spoke my mom last night for about 2 hours last night on my way do Denver. It was very enlightning. She was telling me a story about a lady she works with that has lost TOO MUCH weight. You know I just surprised my family with my weight loss. I knew what she was getting at. I was complaining about people callingme skinny. I know it sound crazy, but it is a MAJOR pet peeve of mine. That is because I am NOT SKINNY! I may be skinny compared to how I used to look. That just tell me that I used to be really big compared to what I look like now. If I truely was skinny it wouldn't bother me.   Anyway back to my mom's conversation....I keep saying that I want to lose another 35 lbs to give me a healthy BMI. She was bothered by this so I asked her how much she thought I weighed. I am a size 12, and I jsut saw her 2 weeks ago. How much does she think I weigh? I told her that I weigh what I did when I graduated from high school and we all know I was overweight at that time. She didn't believe that I weigh the same as when I graduated.   She guessed my weight at 155#! No wonder she was worried when I said I wanted to lose another 35 lbs. I told her (and I don't tell many that aren't on this site) that I weigh 180#. Hello!!!! 180! Yes I am happy that I have lost as much weight as I have lost, but it isn't like I weigh anything close to 155. I know when I graduated and weighed 180# I wore a size 16-18 jeans. I work out and really try to concentrate on my abs, but I told her I don't know how I weigh this much am as trim as I am. (I am only 5'4") but if more people think i weigh around 155 then no wonder they look at me like I am crazy. I don't get that. I think they are blind. I had someone ask me if I was going to become anorexic! OMG! People I weigh 180 pounds! Far from anorexic! It was only 20 lbs ago that I was over 200.   Anyway. Just putting things on paper to try to wrap my head around things. Is my brain screwed on wrong? I know I can't go just by the scale, but 180 is no where near where I want to be. Even 160 would make me "pee my pants" happy! I don't know if I'll ever get there. (This what my driver's license says!:thumbup:)   I can't wait to get my next fill today and see where this takes me.
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

Another fill.....then TOO TIGHT!

Well I had my fill and getting a fill is a little bit different. It is like childbirth. You know the basics and may have been through it before, but it is always a little different. I got a fill. My last fill was in April and was 0.7cc. So was the fill before. Yesterday I got 1.7cc. Then I somehow forgot to try a little cottage cheese and chicken salad in my vehicle before going out for something to eat. Usually I shop for about an hour before I eat, but I had a late appt and wanted to get on the road. I live 7 hours from my doctor. So onto TGI Fridays for my customary Sizzlin Chicken and Cheese. I took to very tiny bites of chicken and two bites of onions and pepers, checked out and PB'ed all the way back to the Dr.'s office. I got 0.4cc out and felt much better. I had to be careful on the way home and the protein shake this morning for breakfast went down pretty slowly. I thought I was surely too tight. Usually I am never tighter in the morning, but maybe I am now. I had 1/2c chicken salad for lunch and part of a chicken breast for supper. It has gone down really well. I guess in the next week will see what happens. It usually takes 10 days for my fill to take full effect, but I guess it is different every time!
julie.ann

julie.ann

4
 

Is it time to stick a fork in me? Am I done?

Well this is the question I have been wrestling with lately. Am I done? My goal weight is about 35 lbs from here but I have lost about 108 lbs. I started a size 24-26 and I am now a size 12. (I'm sure a size 10 if I could get a tummy tuck.) I have started to plateau. It has been tough the last month and especially the last few weeks. I haven't been as strict as I used to be. Part of me feels like I should be happy with my weight. I am happy. I feel more confident. Of course I would feel even better if I lost at least another 15 lbs. I know that.   Is is so bad that I feel happy....dare I say the word....satisfied with my weight? I am 177. I am 5'4" with a BMI of 30. I want to weigh in the 160's for the first time in 20 years, but then why am I doing more of a maintenance diet than weight loss diet? That is the only thing that I can think of. I am happy enough with where I am. I am having a hard time admitting it. Maybe it is because I am SUCH as goal oriented person and I haven't reached my goal. Maybe I need a break until after my vacation at the end of the month and just work on maintaining. Maybe I need to quit making excuses, quit cheating every other day and get back to the grind. I don't know. After 8 months...9 if you count my pre-op diet maybe I am just burned out on folowing the rules. It is hard to keep motivated when the scales aren't moving. It is hard to get the scales to move when you cheat. I wish I could find my will power I had in the begining. Maybe I need to put old pictures of me up, but I know I don't look like that now. Maybe I need more pictures of my now so I can see how much I still need to lose. Any sage advice for a not so newby?
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

Maintenance? I guess I need to work on that.

Well I have been having ups and downs. I am almost 9 months out. I have stopped weighing myself all the time and decided to try to maintain my weight loss. It has been hard and I haven't been doing a very good job. I have decided to try to shock myself back in a low carb high protein mode this week. Just because I need to get the cravings out of my system. I am still hitting the gym. Because of a couple of things that came up unexpectedly and out of town meetings I actually had only 2 days working out this week. That is the least I have worked out since about November. I guess I'll have to watch that. I did go shopping and was able to fit my big fat butt into a size 10 skirt!!!! :thumbup: I couldn't believe it! I don't ever remember wearing a size 10! I also bought my first little black dress. It is a size 14 (the girls are always bigger) I have just recently gotten out of plus size shirts) It is Calvin Klein and it looks AWESOME! Now I just need a place to wear it! So I am still having some NSV, but I have to admit that I am feeling very fat again. Part of it is what I am eating. If I was eating right all the time I wouldn't feel like look so fat. I'll have to work on that. I know that I have gotten used to seeing myself like this so that is part of why I am starting to not see a skinny me in the mirror anymore. That will change when I start loosing again. I am still looking forward to visiting my family and surprising them with my 100+ weight loss. I leave a week from Thursday. I have been tanning and worrying about what to wear and what they will say. I will look forward to coming home and getting back on the weight loss wagon. I am starting to think that weight loss will be much MUCH easier than maintenance....I guess I'll have to work on that. Much love to all! Julie Ann Preop/Surg/Now/Goal 285 / 271/ 177 / 142.5 Surgery - October 29, 2008 Dr. Kirshenbaum in Aurora, CO - Self Pay $9950
julie.ann

julie.ann

5
 

Having a hard time....

I have really been having a hard time. June 27th was my lowest weight. I might have hit it one other time. I weigh about 3 lbs more than that. I maintained my weight for a few weeks, actually about a month before my vacation. I gain 3 lbs on vacation and lost it since I got back.   I know this is all great. I guess it is. That is what I would tell most people. My probelm is that I have lost that edge that I gained with this decision. I am still working out 3-6 days a week. Good work outs and I am really happy with how I am doing at the gym. My problem is what I am eating. I do pretty well and then I do something to really screw it up. Ice cream, cookies, popcorn. ugh! I used to not have any problem passing it up. Now I can't see to say no. I wonder if I just need to purge my system of the carbs or be less happy with my weight.   I lost my restriction on my vacation. I ate a pretzel and homeade pizza dough. Now you all know that I shouldn't be able to eat that. So I realize that my restriction is gone. I do still have appetite supression which is SO important. I have been able to eat too much. I haven't been pushing my limits, but I don't get full very fast. Before vacation I have had to really watch what I eat and take very small bites so I was afraid that I was too tight, but now I am starting to doubt that was the fact. I think I just need to be more careful about what I eat and the bites I take.   I think I am going to call my doctor tomorrow for an appt. My doctor is 7 hours away. It sucks to go that far and I haven't been there since April. I guess that is what I need to do.   Any advice? All comments welcome!
julie.ann

julie.ann

5
 

The Reveal....

Well some of you "old timers" might remember me from nine months ago when I was a brand new bandster. I decided to keep my decision to have lap band surgery a secret...FROM EVERYONE! I have lost 108 lbs. Along my journey so far I have told a few people. It took months for me to tell my best friend. At 5 month post-op I told another friend and then a few co-workers. I have not told my family. Not only did I not tell them that I had surgery, but I did not tell them that I lost weight. I thought that I would surprise them....and I certainly did! I live in Kansas and my family lives in Florida. I just got back last night (Fade to black....cue flashback.....)   All by myself I got off the plane and primped in the bathroom. My baby brother picked me up. He is 25 years old. Ten years younger than I am. I couldn't believe how nervous I was!!!! He was on his way and I stood outside the airport waiting for him. There was this couple that looked very kind and I asked if they would mind taking a picture of my brother because I have lost alot of weight and he won't recognize me. He doesn't even suspect it. So he called and said he was pulling up. I asked if he saw the lady in the black and white shirt with the red purse. He did and I told him to pull up in front of her and I would come out. He got out and started to come into the airport to help me with my bags. He turned to that lady with the red purse looked her straight in the face and gave a polite smile and nodded and kept on walking. That lady just smiled stared and turned to watch him walk away. He saw her turn towards him out of the corner of his eye and knew he was being watched and so he turned back. The lady with the red purse started laughing and his jaw dropped and slowly his mouth turned into a big O. That lady was me, his sister that he hadn't seen in a year!!!   I just laughed and he said "I haven't seen you look like that since you were in high school!" That would have put him in 2nd grade!   So my baby sister was surprised and said very calmly, "Oh my goodness!" and gave me a hug. I was sitting on her bed holding her new, 3 week old daughter when my parents came in. I hadn't thought about how to do this. So they walked into the bedroom and dad smiled at me like I was some friend of my sisters that he didn't know and my mom walked in and I started to laugh and that gave it away. Mom kept saying "Oh my gosh! Wow! You look great!" She said it about 5 times. Dad recognized me too when I started to laugh and he gave me a big smile.   We were sitting in my sister's bedroom and dad just kept staring at me. I pretended like I didn't notice, but he was staring and it was great. My other two sisters just said "Wow! You look great." Again they were very calm.   It was AWESOME and then I could post new pics of myself on facebook because I had even been avoiding that to keep from spoiling the surprise. I just can't tell you how exciting it was!   I gained 3.5 pounds on my vacation. Guess what? It was a vacation. Nothing to beat myself up about. I couldn't wait to get back to the gym now and I am ready to start losing again!   I have really opened up when I was on vacation. I even at a pretzel! My sisters couldn't apprieciate that like all of you can. A week ago I never could have gotten a pretzel down. I still have GREAT hunger control with the band and so I am going to hold out and see how I do with this and get a fill if I don't do well the next few weeks, but I am not really worried. I know I have my band and my band loves me.   I am HOPING that my family, especially my dad will want to get banded. My older and one younger sister could loose 75-125 lbs (Dad too), but I don't know if it is something they will consider. I would be so happy for them if they did!.   I can't attach my new picture I had taken because it is too big, but I will try to upload it to my album.
julie.ann

julie.ann

8
 

A journal entry from August.....A flashback from the begining.

I'm sure this is something you have either heard before or have experienced. I am scared of getting banded. Not the surgery or the change in lifestyle, but....what if I don't succeed? Am I hiding behind my limitations and once I have this there is nothing to hide behind? I have lost weight and gained weight and lost it again and found it plus some. I know how to lose weight. I am looking for the tool to help me make this a change of LIFE.     I am thinking that I don't want to tell anyone about it. I don't want people to say, "Yeah, she had surgery. She HAD to have surgery." I think part of it is that I am embarrased to admit that my weight has started to impact my everyday life. From the rare airplane ride that I have started to dread because of the seats and the seatbelts to the difficulty with intimacy with my wonderful sexy husband because I feel too self conscious about myself.   I don't want my kids to know. I guess I feel that I have failed on my own and I need help. A lot of help. I feel like a failure.   Oh please don't be mad at me. I don't feel like everyone that has surgery is a failure. In fact I have been very excited since I made the decision to take this big step. I guess it is the ups and downs of feeling crappy about myself. I recently got together with my sisters and I was the biggest one. Three of us have always been big, but this time I was the grossest. I have been looking at pictures today. At 5'4" and 275lbs of course I look bad. Sometimes you just don't know until you have to look at it. I dress professionally everyday for work, but I can't even cross my legs. I don't feel comfortable just sitting in a chair unles I have a table in front of me to lean on and hide behind. I do feel that some people are less than welcoming to me because of my weight. I want to change that. I want to be able to cross my legs. I want to be able to enjoy traveling because the seats are comfortable. I want to put on clothes and feel good. I want to wear a size 16 or less. How sad it that? I want to wear a size 16. People who wear a size 16 hate that size and feel too big. About 8 years ago I have a thyroid disease and lost weight. I weighed 170 lbs. I desparately want to feel that way again. I want my husband to want to be with me because he finds my sexy, not just because he loves me. (Wow. How many women say just the opposite!) I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to WANT to be in pictures.   I want this surgery more than anything right now. I want to be proud. I want to be healthy. I want to love what I see in pictures.     Well, I had the surgery at the end of October. I have made this a LIFE change so far. I haven't told anyone really except my doc, my hubby and a friend. Intimacy is SO MUCH BETTER!!! I look forward to flying in April for business because I don't worry about the seats and seatbelts. I think I am now the SMALLEST sister although I won't see any of them until I visit them this summer and they don't know yet. I just bought a size 16 pants and I can cross my leggs and frequently do sitting at my desk at work.   I love my band. His name is Band Jovi!:drum:
julie.ann

julie.ann

9
 

The Great Band Battle....(-107# and pics)

Has it really been over a month since I have blogged? The newbies won't even know me! Well let me introduce myself. My name is Julie. I was banded 8 months ago in October and have lost 107 lbs. Yay me! Now let's talk turkey.....   The band and I just had our first big battle. Now don't get me wrong. The band is in charge, as always, but for the first time I started to get a little pissy at it...always thinking he knows just what I can and can't eat.   My son left today for overseas on a 10 day trip, I have hit a plateau the last few weeks and I was feeling like I needed a little old fashioned comfort food. For me that is pizza.   What a coincidence....:blushing: I just happen to have some homemade (from scratch) pizza in fridge left over from last night. The first time I cooked pizza from scratch in 8 months! Last night I just picked off teh toppings and such. Well none of that sissy crap for me today. I wanted P-I-Z-Z-A dipped in sauce!   So the band said no. .....then I said "DO YOU WANT TO MAKE A BET? I'LL EAT SLOW AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!!!!" :crying:   Then the band said in a small yet confident voice..."Go ahead honey. Just give it a try. You will regret it. I wish you would listen to me....but if not we'll see what happens."   So the band won...then I tried another battle and he won that one too. :thumbup: It wasn't pretty. So I sat down with some ice cream and HE couldn't stop me from eating that so I feel like crap now. Blah.....   So I am going to lay off of the weight training and get back to more cardio and add some Zumba classes. I have been at the gym 5-6 days a week all summer and I need to be careful I don't burn out.   I'm going to surprise my family at the end of this month. They still don't know I have lost all this weight and I want to tell them I had surgery.   I have been just a couple of pounds away from no longer being obese, but that might have to wait while I realign my routine.   Stay cool this 4th of July!   High /Surgery/Current/Goal 285.5/ 271 / 177.5 142.5 Banded - 10/29/08 Four fills - 4.7cc/10cc   Read My Blog: My Secret Journey   Touch Below To View My Pics (More on my profile) [ATTACH]151[/ATTACH]
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

Memorial Day Challege.....- 100 lbs

Just dropping in to say YAY! I have lost 100 lbs which makes my Memorial Day Goal!!!! The weight is coming off more slowly becuase I haven't been sticking to my high protein diet like I was. I am still losing and that what matters and it really is more on a lifetime diet. I know I have been eating in a way that will drop the weight off quickly. I have still been working hard, but high protein will drop the weight faster than any other type of diet that I have found. I have lost about 7 lbs this month instead of 10-13lbs. I love dropping the weight fast, but I feel like I am starting the point in my journey that really gets to the real life eating. Sometimes I don't make the best, most nutritious choices, but I have been very rare breaking a single rule until after my first 6 months. Working out continues to be a major part of my journey. I have started a weight training program at my gym. It is giving me variety and that is what I need to keep it interesting. Is losing 6 or 7 lbs instead of 10-12 lbs a month worth the extra here and there that I am eating? I guess that is the question. Everyone needs to aswer that for themselve. I am really happy with how I look, but I know I am not done yet. I saw myself in pictures this weekend. (BSN Graduation) and I was very unhappy with what I saw. I guess maybe I need to see more pictures to get me motivated again. I am still following most of the bandster guidelines most of the time. I am less than 43 away from goal so I could still make my goal of being half the person I was just one year post op. We will see what happens.
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

NSV...SV...Victories all over the place.

Okay...where do I start. I know if has been a while since I have posted and I am ready to share some great stuff that has been going on directly related to my band.   First a BIG NSV (non-scale victory) I went shopping today for a new pair of jeans. I have been wearing a size 18 (I know I can't believe I've been in a size 18!!!) A couple of people have commented that they are getting baggy. Not falling off or anything, but baggy in the but, so I decided to find some that fit me ok. I tried on a size 16 only to find they were too big too!!! OMG!!! So I went out to get a smaller size thinking that they would be too small and THEY FIT!!!! (I am shouting for joy now) I FIT INTO AND BOUGHT A SIZE 14 JEANS!!!!!!! I haven't fit into that size since somewhere around my sophmore year in high school!!! I still can't believe it!!! I know all jeans are different and I tried on several brands and styles and I could button all of them. I just didn't like most of them and some were too tight, but that's okay. I've also been thinking about getting a body shaper. I am really noticing how much I will be needing a tummy tuck and breast lift. My body is beginning to look like a deflated ballon. Anyway while I was in Walmart I tried on a size 2xl cami body shaper and it was too big so I got an XL. I can't believe the difference! It only cost $16 and it is amazing and comforatble so I will be wearing that most days to work now. I also got lucky and found some amazing deals on clothes that fit me. $5 for a skirt and the same for pants. I kept grabbing the size 18 and kept going back tot he rack to get a size 16. (These can not be even a little snug...they are for work)   Okay...next victory. I went out of town last week. I was gone from Tuesday to Friday and I STILL LOST WEIGHT!!! I had to eat out for every meal and was "wined and dined" for two of those (for work not pleasure) and I still lost weight and worked out! VICTORY!!!! YAY! This is the trip every year that usually gets me off track. I have another one next month, but I am more confident that I can make it!. I did find myself starting to feel sad that I couldn't eat more of the stuff I liked, but then I was so grateful because I realized that the band was dong just what I wanted it to do. It was giving me a reason to not over eat. I could have kept gong but I would have felt horrible and I don't want to stretch my pouch. I love my band. I had to say no to fresh hot pretzels and pastries all week, but that is ok. I could have eaten it, but chose not to. The band has helped me make those tough desicions. I know I could have eaten around the band and drank a TON of expensive alcholic drinks and incredible soft deserts, but I have learned a new lifestyle and since I have worked so hard for 5 months I was ready to hit the road and still make good desicions. I have lost 80 lbs and I am 5 lbs from ONEderland. I can't wait to get there. Have I mentioned I love my band? His name is Band Jovi:drum:
julie.ann

julie.ann

9
 

A confession and strong words to set an addict straight.

12/21/08   My name is Julie and I am a food addict. I thought I had my problem under control. I thought that I had learned so many lessons that I could jump back on the wagon if I ever took a little sip from the bottle…so to speak. I had a Christmas party to go to on Friday. It went okay. Not great. I had a half of a dinner roll. Except for an occasional thin crust pizza I have not had any bread of any kind for 2 months. I didn’t even want to know if it would go down. It was a dinner party and they served steak. If it wouldn’t have been for the drink I had and the bread with butter I would have stayed under 1000 calories and been okay with the carbs…but I did eat and drink those things so I guess that’s how it is. The next day comes and I weigh in and I lost another 0.9 lbs. I realize that it will probably take another day to see the damage on the scale. I did good at breakfast and took my lunch to class with me and I was a very good girl. Pizza for supper…not so good. Today I have screwed the pooch….so to speak. (Can I say that here?) It is Sunday which means I am home all day and the gym is closed. Sundays are my hardest days! I ate leftover pizza for lunch and then …..we made Christmas cookies. I feel like a toad for the first time in a month! I half heartedly did a cardio Firm work out for 30 minutes today. Not a great work out. Oh here is the kicker…Are you ready…I was only 0.2 lbs away from my New Year’s goal. The gym is closed Wednesday and Thursday this week and next week. I want to go out and eat everything I can get my hands on. Almost like a last supper before I hike my butt up back onto the wagon. I’m not going to. I have to hit the gym in the morning if I can get up though. I have class tomorrow night, so I can do it then. It would have been better it I had gained a smidge back after eating badly just to teach myself that I can’t get away with it. I have to go back to those lessons I thought I learned. 1. DO NOT EAT UNLESS YOU ARE HUNGRY or unless it has been 5 hours since your last meal. 2. PROTEIN FIRST then you can have your HEALTHY side dish. 3. STOP EATING BEFORE YOU FEEL OVER FULL! 4. DO NOT EAT BETWEEN MEALS 5. DRINK YOUR WATER but not during or right after meals. 6. YOU WILL NOT SEE THE RESULTS YOU WANT UNLESS YOU WORK OUT! 7. Getting the lap band doesn’t make you lose weight. YOU STILL HAVE TO EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE!   Time for a reminder Julie!   Eating is for survival! It is to get enough nutrition to live. That is its main focus. It is not a reward. It does not console us. It doesn't take away boredom. It doesn't listen to our problems. It is a fair weather friend....actually not even a friend at all. It is that bi*chy girl in jr. high that we thought liked us, but only pretends to until she can stab us in the back.   Memorize it! Put it to song. Make up a dance…I don’t how you remember it… LIVE IT! Okay you addict, get your big butt back on the wagon! Stop putting it off. Remember YOU ARE AN ADDICT! Oh you were so proud of yourself for 2 months. Well the jokes on you. Two months is not enough to give you permission to go back to your crappy eating. It only took two months to take off 45 lbs. I bet it would only take 2 months to gain 45 lbs. Didn’t you have some NSV along the way? Remember what it felt like to sit in a chair and feel like you didn’t know what to do with your fat stubby arms except cross them over your too big belly? Remember how it felt when your husband put it arms around you and you felt like he had to try too hard to hug you? Remember the first time you crossed your legs in YEARS. Maybe not as comfortable as you want, but you did it without even thinking. Remember putting those size 22 jeans in the give away and lounging around the house in the size 18 jeans. Remember putting on the shirt that hasn’t fit you in years. Do you really want to be back to that person that you see in all the pictures that have been taken of you over the past years? Remember when you started out and your goal was to feel comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching your kids play ball. Have you even thought recently that you have felt more comfortable doing that? What is more important to you? A slimy greasy piece of pizza and doughy cookie dough that sits in your stomach and makes you feel like crap or feeling great about yourself. What is more fun? Seeing how long you can go in between meals without getting hungry and being surprised by how little took away your hunger….or greasy butter garlic bread with a bowl of sodium filled tomato sauce. You are paying $265 a month for 5 years to have this tool to help you be healthy. You are so cheap…do you really want to throw all that money out the window for a crappy meal that will make your chest hurt and your feet swell again like they had been up until a month ago? Go to bed now and when you wake up you need to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Are you going to live the life of a “user” or as someone in “recovery.” It’s all your decision Julie. It’s up to you to be a wonderful, healthy successful person who loves not only life, but herself as well!
julie.ann

julie.ann

8
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