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About this blog

This is my journal towards weight loss. This is where I can come and put everything out there. I have kept my decision to myself. The only person besides my doctor that know is my husband. (I finally told my best friend too!) My kids know I had surge

Entries in this blog

 

Irrationally upset by crazy coments.....

1-27-08   Okay I know that I should be flattered with all of the attention. I am happy that people can tell that I have lost weight. But I find myself getting a little pissy about some of the comments. I know they all mean well. There is this lady at work that compliments me, “You are looking so skinny…now promise me you won’t gain it back.” Like I ever lost weight and PLANNED to put it back on. It wasn’t bad until about the 10th time she said it in two weeks.   Then there is this other guy that just kept going on today about how good I looked and how skinny I am getting and how dedicated I am. Sure, I know I shouldn’t complain, but he just kept going on about how he just couldn’t BELIEVE how skinny I am.   Okay let’s clear the air here. I am NOT SKINNY!!! I am not even half way to goal. I weigh 226.9 and that is the weight some people are when they are banded. My butt is still plenty big and I have big ‘ol fat rolls. I am happy how well things are going and I know that people who weigh what I did when I started or more may be wondering what I am complaining about.   I guess it seems like people are saying “WOW your fat butt looks skinny compared to how crappy you looked before! ….So as fat as you are now you know how huge you used to look!” I know this might sound stupid, but a “Hey you look good!” is a big enough compliment for me. Friends are different. I don’t mind that so much, but co-workers that you don’t see outside of work….It might be different if I was skinny. You know another 70 pounds from now. (ok maybe even 50 pounds)   I was very nice and tell them thank you, but today it just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. Sorry, I needed to vent. It happens every once in a while. :cheatfree:  
julie.ann

julie.ann

20
 

Half Way!!!! - 71 lbs!!!!!! Four months Post-op!!

2-21-09 I weigh 213.8 and just in case you didn't notice that puts a bigger number on the left side of my ticker than the right! I AM OVER HALF WAY TO GOAL and I have lost 50% of my excess body weight! YEAH! I am almost 4 months post-op. I love my band! I hope to be in onderland by April 1 and hit the -100 pounds by my 35th birthday in June!!!! Thank you guys for you great support. I thought I needed a fill. Starting to look for food again between meals. Well my hubby broke his foot and will be off of work for a month (surgery yesterday to put a screw in his foot where he broke it) so I don't think I can afford a trip to Denver. What I noticed picking up a few days a clinic for my practicum is that I didn't get hungry between meals. I think I have been fighting that very conniving enemy called head hunger. I'm usually quick to pick up on it, but I think it was sneaking up on me and that's what the problem has been. I thought I was very wise to head hunger but sometimes it is so hard to tell the difference. So I might not get a fill soon, but I think I will be ok with that. I'll have to see closer to the time if I have any money to go. I am supposed to go two weeks from tomorrow. So we were sitting the doctor’s office yesterday morning waiting for orders to go the hospital for hubby’s surgery. I was sitting there and comfortably crossed my legs. That is has been such a big deal for me. I told hubby look! This is comfortable! I used to not be able to do this. He winked at me :thumbup: and said that getting me to cross my legs was the opposite goal he had for me. He’s so funny sometimes! :thumbup: I told my doctor the following yesterday: Here is an arithmatic lesson. It doesn't look right, but I've found that if you check it....it does equal out the way it is written. 4 months post-op (almost) - 71 lbs = 50% excess body weight = 1/2 way to goal of healthy BMI I may not get down that low, but I hope to be close. Healthy is my goal. I thought I was needing a fill, but with hubby off work I don't think I can afford a trip to Denver besides I noticed the last two days working at the clinic that I wasn't really hungry between meals. I think I have been struggling with head hunger which can be MUCH WORSE than real hunger. But I have to be honest I have been really lucky in my results so far and getting restriction so early. I don't think my results are rare at all, but I bet I am in the top percentage of weight lost so..... um...I guess the word I'm looking for is...... easily? Not to say it hasn't been work. I started spinning class again on Wednesday. My butt is still sore! I read an article that said that a successfull band patient is one that loses 50% of their excess body weight and keeps it off indeffinately. I just need to keep it off. I'm already successful. I think losing any more than another 50 lbs is just gravy. My band’s name is Band Jovi…:drum:...I’m a huge fan!
julie.ann

julie.ann

17
 

This is why I had surgery!!!!

So here I go with more NSV. Why am I writing about these? Well I have come to accept that there will be a day that I don’t remember what it felt like to be where I am right now. I have stated to forget how it actually felt to be where I was 6 months ago. I remember the things I had to do (position pillows to get comfortable to sleep, ask for a window seat on the plane so I could smash myself up against the side and not take up too much room, buy 5x shirts because I wanted them loose and baggy) but not how if felt to roll over in bed and I remember the tears I cried after being intimate with my husband but not how embarrassed I was with my body, even with a man that always told me I was beautiful and he loved me. I’m writing this down so that when I get to place that I need motivation I will have it in my own words.   So on with the story. I walked into Maurice’s yesterday to look for some cute jeans. That would be different than just looking for jeans that fit. It is much more fun to look for cute jeans. Anyway I walked into our local Maurice’s that has regular sizes and plus sizes. The size 4, teenage sales girl asked me if she could help me and I told her that I was jean shopping and she pointed to the REGULAR size side of the store and started telling me what was on sale. Ok…do I need to point out that she did not ask me what size I wore or tell me what was on sale on the plus size side or even glance in that direction. I couldn’t believe it. I stood there for a second reveling in the moment. If I would have stood there any longer I could tell she was getting ready to ask me if I needed something else. It was FABULOUS!!!! I have decided that I am officially out of the plus size stores. :smile2: Ok so I tried on the flare leg and those are always too tight on my big old thighs. No surprise there, but when I tried on a looser fit, stretch low rise, (low rise…..H-E-L-L-O-!-!-!) :eek:I was absolutely overwhelmed to see that the size 13/14 was about too big. I checked the tag thinking I grabbed the wrong ones, or it was marked wrong. I didn’t even try on the 15/16. I would have gone to a size 11/12 (!!!!) but I didn’t like the wash on them. They looked too young for this old mom. My 15yr old daughter was with me and liked them but agreed that maybe they were too young of a style. Well I walked out of the store without jeans, but I was not bothered in the least. I was on cloud nine! Ok so I know you might think that alone would be enough to get through the next month or so…but there is MORE!   Today I am on my way to a conference. I haven’t flown for 7 months. So just to recap I had surgery about 6 months ago and have lost 90 lbs…..Do you see where I am going with this? Okay so first I got on the little plane (one seat on one side and 2 on the other) and I was able to walk down the aisle facing completely forward. No turning in the aisle to fit my too wide body down it. I was smiling and I’m sure if anyone was watching me and not asleep at 6:00am they would have wondered what the deal was with my sly little smile. :tongue2: So I found my seat and sat down and I didn’t have any arm rest cutting into my thighs. I put my bag under the seat and buckled my seatbelt and had about 8 inches to spare! Before it would have been at the largest setting and probably would have been uncomfortable on this tiny plane. So I wanted to grab a blanket and I unbuckled my belt and got up and got one and sat down and rebuckled and then I realized I didn’t grab a pillow and I jumped up again and rebuckled without any major production. I couldn’t believe it. So the plane wasn’t very full and about ¾ way through the flight I ….. CROSSED MY LEGS! :tongue:Yep you heard me. Now I will admit that my leg was out in the aisle some and with traffic I would uncross and get out of the way, but I think you know what a HUGE deal this is for me. I enjoyed walking out of the plane too with my butt actually fitting down that aisle! Skinny people that have never been obese just wouldn’t understand what a big deal this is! I was in the airport and looking for breakfast and I was starting to get worried. I saw McDonalds, a donut shop, a breakfast wrap restaurant and finally a BBQ with bacon/sausage and eggs. Whew! I’m glad I kept looking. One meal down on this 5 day trip. Only 14 left to go!
julie.ann

julie.ann

12
 

What does my band do for me?

1-13-09   What does my band do for me? That is what I have been asking myself lately. Everyone at work, everywhere I go, asks me how much weight I have lost. Oh it was great at first to have people notice, but now it is all the time and of course the question follows.   How are you doing it?   I tell them I am doing what I am supposed to. I am eating healthy, watching my portions and exercising. That is absolutely true. That is not a lie at all. So that has made me ask myself what the band is doing for me. I know it is doing a lot. I don’t mean to say that it isn’t. I just need to know how the band is working for me. 1. The band reminds me to take smaller bites. If I don’t take small bites things get stuck and I start to slime. That isn’t fun. Today I had roast beef and I started to slime. If I mix textures I don’t really have a lot of trouble. I mixed cottage cheese with my roast beef. I know it sounds gross, but I really like it. After I mixed the two I didn’t have ANY problems, even with a little bigger bites. Not too big though. 2. The band helps me to get full faster. Since my second fill I eat about 1 cup of food before I get full. 3. If I eat too much the band reminds me that I can’t do that! That means chest pain and feeling crappy! 4. The band curbs hunger almost to the point that I can ignore it if I get busy. I don’t starve myself. I eat three meals a day, but if I am busy and don’t eat for an hour after I start to get hungry it really doesn’t bother me. I am more susceptible to eating poorly if I wait too long and don’t plan ahead. That’s it. That is what the band does for me. What I mean is that there are things that the band doesn’t do for me. 1. It doesn’t buy healthy food and throw out all the crappy food. 2. It doesn’t keep track of what I eat. 3. It doesn’t keep me from stopping and getting ice cream or a milkshake or other high calorie food that would slip right through the band. 4. It doesn’t drive me to the gym. 5. It doesn’t make me step on the scale and be accountable. I work hard for what is happening. I am thankful for the band. I am thankful that I did this now instead of later. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I guess that is what I will keep telling everyone when they ask. This is my journey, my decision to keep it secret and when I succeed it will be MY SUCCESS!
julie.ann

julie.ann

12
 

Just about a year out and my pics.....

Well I will have my bandiversary this week. Hard to believe. I keep thinking about what I was doing a year ago and how I felt and how hopeful and excited and scared I was. I was so afraid that this wouldn't work. Would I spend this money and not do what I had to do. I knew it would be hard, but what if I failed? I wouldn't have anything to hide behind. I would have pulled out all the stops and still weighed 285 lbs and stood at only 5'4". Okay I am still 5'4", but now am about 170-175 lbs. My lightest has been 168 and I need to get back on program. I have been maintaining, but I would like to lose more....and I will. I know I will because I know I can. I am starting to not be happy with what I see in the mirror. I want to get down another size, but at a size 11/12 I never would have thought 1 year ago that I would have wanted to lose more than that. I am happy with my progress. I have had 4 fills and 1 very recent unfill. I am really perfect now. (you know what I mean) I am thankful every day! Money has gotten tight and I know that the $263 monthly surgery loan payment is the biggest part of that, but I can't help but think that it is still worth it. I look at pictures of myself from before and my kids and husband say they don't even remember me looking like that. I am used to people I know looking right past me. I have even found myself not striking up a conversation when I am in a hurry (like in line at Walmart) because it takes people a few seconds to even figure out who I am and then they want to hear all about how I lost my weight. I still haven't told EVERYBODY, but I have told a lot of people. For all of those wondering if you should get banded....know that it is hard work. It is a high protein diet for me and you HAVE to learn the difference between stomach hunger and head hunger, but if you are willing to work hard and want a tool that will help you get there.....this is it. I love my band! [/url]  
julie.ann

julie.ann

12
 

6 months....94 lbs later...... before and current pics

Today is my 6 month bandiversary! Yeah!!! (throw confettii here) I have lost 94 lbs! WOW! I can't believe it. So I had DH take my picture. I will try to attach it here you you can see them on my profile. I feel like this is such a step. I think partly because I felt like a year after surgery I would be happy and now I am halfway to that goal. I am much happier. I feel good about myself most of the time. I don't like the pictures that I am going to post. I still don't have a clear picture of what I look like. It is like I am wearing some type of sunglasses that block certain colors. I know it doesn't make sense, but I am ready for my mind to catch up.   I do worry. What happens if I get to goal. (Health BMI) and I still see a fat person staring back at me in pictures? I worry about that kind of stuff. It is kind of ironic to me that I am beginning to worry what happens if I lose too much weight. I am a long way from that...but it is out there.   Good luck to all the newly banded, congrats to all that have hit goal and to all of those that are in the middle......let's keep on keeping on!     High/Surgery/Current/Goal 285.5/ 271 / 191.4/ 142.5 Banded - 10/29/08 Four fills - 4.7cc in 10cc band [ [ATTACH]111[/ATTACH][ATTACH]112[/ATTACH]   [ATTACH]115[/ATTACH][ATTACH]116[/ATTACH]
julie.ann

julie.ann

11
 

The band is doing it's job, but I am not....

It is time to blog. I have been away far too long. Let talk about my band. My band is perfect. I have restriction (or whatever you want to call the perfect adjustment) I get full quickly. My hunger is controled. So now you get to hear about what happens if you don't do your part.   You gain weight! I have gained. I don't know how much. I don't want to step on my Wii Fit to find out. So here is the perfect example of why you have to work the band. It doesn't do all the work for you.   I have only been hitting the gym about twice a week. I have been eating unhealthy food and I have been eating when I am not hungry. I haven't been keeping track on what I am eating. I know that I can come here and no one will judge me, but I also know that I need to start blogging again and getting back to the rules. -Keep track of what I eat (on sparkpeople) -Cardio at least 3 times a week -Don't eat unless I am hungry -Solid protien first then a health side until I am full   I have heard plenty of storied of people that say that the band doesn't work. Well I lost 115 lbs in one year. The band works for me, but I know if I don't work at it I will fail. The band helps. It makes it easier, but if I don't want it bad enough I will gain the weight back. I can lose more weight and all I have to do is follow the rules.   I have found that since I have given up almost all bread, pasta, rice and potatoes that I have developed a killer sweet tooth. I have to get that stuff out of my system. I am really looking forward to the New Year to jump start my loss, but I am starting right now!     I also have to admit and face the fact that I am an emotional eater. I have been banded over a year and lost over 100 lbs and I am STILL and emotional eater. We are looking at putting our 16 year old daughter in a Christian based residential program because of her bad choices and everytime I think about it and have to deal iwth it I want to eat. I feel it like an alcoholic looking for a drink. I am looking to pick up a part time job to make an extra $2000 a month to put her in this 15 month program. I work Monday through Friday days and now I may have to work Friday and Saturday nights (RN). I worry about working more and working out less and emotional eating. I guess every day is a new set of challenges. I know blogging with help and I am so glad that I have this place to come!
julie.ann

julie.ann

11
 

Lead us not into tempation....

I went to the beach last week for a conference and things went pretty well. I was able to work out 4 days last week and I did pretty well eating with only a few cheats. I did drink too much alcohol and I know those are empty calories but I had a good time and I even lost a little weight.   Ok so here is the thing that happened that is kind of weird. I could be wrong....It has been a while.....but I think that one of the docs was flirting with me. Yeah, I know! WEIRD!   He was a McCutey! I DID tell him I was married and talked about what a great guy DH is. Expecially after he asked me if I was staying over an extra night. I asked if he had family (I promise I was wondering if he had kids, you know small talk). He must have taken it wrong because he told me he was divorced. I asked "No kids?" He said yes and I asked him if he didn't consider them family. He said he thought maybe that wasn't the question.   I know I have been married a long time (almost 16 years) but how many different reasons can a guy find to touch you. Geesh! My arm, shoulder, leg, back and that was sitting at a table with 8 other people having a nice....not too personal conversation. I have to admit (but not to my hubby) that it was very flattering,(probablly because he was so damn cute and well put together....give me a break I'm married not blind) but it was also a little strange to be back into that group of the population that has to worry about some random guy flirting with her.   My general goal for quite some time has been simply to blend in and not be noticed as the "big lady walking my way" or "sitting next to me." I have wanted to feel invisible, or that I look like the average person walking down the street. I have just begun to feel that way. I don't have to use a "professional persona" as my shield at business trips, but I guess now I have to see what happens when my real personality is out there in front of everyone. That is kind of scarey. I don't even know if I can let anyone really get to know me the "real" me.   I am starting to wonder who that is....
julie.ann

julie.ann

10
 

When will I be happy with my body?

You know I want to start out by saying that I am going to get a little whiney and for those of you who cannot sympathize with Goal Limbo then you are going to hate this post. But I come here to voice my NSV, my SV and so I will post my whining too.   I will attach a couple of pictures here. These are my 1 year full body pictures. I have my pre-op pics on my profile page if you want to see. I'm not at my home comptuer or I would upload those. I am so very not happy with my body. I'm not talking about the drooping girls in front. I have to expect that after losing 115 lbs. I am talking about my "big" tummy and the fact that from the side I have no waiste. AT ALL! How depressing is that? When I see myself in the mirror and in pictures (which is the real test) I am actually pretty happy with my front view. I have never had to worry about hips like one of my sisters. I am broad acrose the back, but that has gotten more propotionate lately and with my "sucker-inner" as I call my cami-body hugger I don't have a lot of loose looking skin and it help keeps the girls up. (without the sucker-inner it isn't quite as pretty ) From the side I have absolutely no waste. Infact I think my belt in is direct allignment to the girls up top. People at work call me skinny, which doesn't tick me off like it used to when I thought they were kind of making fun of me. I had a girl at work that thought I weighed 130 lbs. Okay that made me wonder if she was making fun of me again, but I don't think she was. I weigh 170 and I told her so, but I am pretty fit and wear a size 11/12. I would LOVE to go down one more size and hit a 9/10 comfortablly. But I digress..... What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my body. I am a short little thing. Only 5'4". I know that makes a big difference in the way I carry my weight. I know that one year ago when I was wearing a size 22/24 I would have swore when I fit into a size 11/12 that I would be estatic with my body. Now all I see is fat when I look at my profile in the mirror. Oh another thing on these pictures is that I still have a !@#$% double chin! WHAT? I thought I got rid of that. I will have to walk around with my nose in the air so that thing isn't as noticable! Oh I know what some of you are thinking....."What is she complaining about? If I could lose that weight I would be so happy I would never complain" Yeah, I hope that is true because it is what I thought a year ago. Maybe this is good. I have been so happy with my weight and my body that I have gone into maintaince mode. I guess maybe I needed to get to point where I am not happy to get my weight loss moving again. I am so frustrated, but on the bright side it makes me want to go to the gym. It is funny when I first hit this weight and this size I thought I looked good. I am starting to see how skinny girls can actually with a straight face say they think they are fat. I always kind of thought that it was a ploy to get attention, but they actually look in the mirror and don't see a nice figure. Oh this sucks. I guess I will ride the rollercoaster, hopefully get a few more pounds off of my body and hope for a waist line. I have to wait another 4 years before my surgery is paid off and I can get a tummy tuck/ lipo and a breast lift. I hope the next four years seem to go as fast as the last one!  
julie.ann

julie.ann

10
 

NSV...SV...Victories all over the place.

Okay...where do I start. I know if has been a while since I have posted and I am ready to share some great stuff that has been going on directly related to my band.   First a BIG NSV (non-scale victory) I went shopping today for a new pair of jeans. I have been wearing a size 18 (I know I can't believe I've been in a size 18!!!) A couple of people have commented that they are getting baggy. Not falling off or anything, but baggy in the but, so I decided to find some that fit me ok. I tried on a size 16 only to find they were too big too!!! OMG!!! So I went out to get a smaller size thinking that they would be too small and THEY FIT!!!! (I am shouting for joy now) I FIT INTO AND BOUGHT A SIZE 14 JEANS!!!!!!! I haven't fit into that size since somewhere around my sophmore year in high school!!! I still can't believe it!!! I know all jeans are different and I tried on several brands and styles and I could button all of them. I just didn't like most of them and some were too tight, but that's okay. I've also been thinking about getting a body shaper. I am really noticing how much I will be needing a tummy tuck and breast lift. My body is beginning to look like a deflated ballon. Anyway while I was in Walmart I tried on a size 2xl cami body shaper and it was too big so I got an XL. I can't believe the difference! It only cost $16 and it is amazing and comforatble so I will be wearing that most days to work now. I also got lucky and found some amazing deals on clothes that fit me. $5 for a skirt and the same for pants. I kept grabbing the size 18 and kept going back tot he rack to get a size 16. (These can not be even a little snug...they are for work)   Okay...next victory. I went out of town last week. I was gone from Tuesday to Friday and I STILL LOST WEIGHT!!! I had to eat out for every meal and was "wined and dined" for two of those (for work not pleasure) and I still lost weight and worked out! VICTORY!!!! YAY! This is the trip every year that usually gets me off track. I have another one next month, but I am more confident that I can make it!. I did find myself starting to feel sad that I couldn't eat more of the stuff I liked, but then I was so grateful because I realized that the band was dong just what I wanted it to do. It was giving me a reason to not over eat. I could have kept gong but I would have felt horrible and I don't want to stretch my pouch. I love my band. I had to say no to fresh hot pretzels and pastries all week, but that is ok. I could have eaten it, but chose not to. The band has helped me make those tough desicions. I know I could have eaten around the band and drank a TON of expensive alcholic drinks and incredible soft deserts, but I have learned a new lifestyle and since I have worked so hard for 5 months I was ready to hit the road and still make good desicions. I have lost 80 lbs and I am 5 lbs from ONEderland. I can't wait to get there. Have I mentioned I love my band? His name is Band Jovi:drum:
julie.ann

julie.ann

9
 

A journal entry from August.....A flashback from the begining.

I'm sure this is something you have either heard before or have experienced. I am scared of getting banded. Not the surgery or the change in lifestyle, but....what if I don't succeed? Am I hiding behind my limitations and once I have this there is nothing to hide behind? I have lost weight and gained weight and lost it again and found it plus some. I know how to lose weight. I am looking for the tool to help me make this a change of LIFE.     I am thinking that I don't want to tell anyone about it. I don't want people to say, "Yeah, she had surgery. She HAD to have surgery." I think part of it is that I am embarrased to admit that my weight has started to impact my everyday life. From the rare airplane ride that I have started to dread because of the seats and the seatbelts to the difficulty with intimacy with my wonderful sexy husband because I feel too self conscious about myself.   I don't want my kids to know. I guess I feel that I have failed on my own and I need help. A lot of help. I feel like a failure.   Oh please don't be mad at me. I don't feel like everyone that has surgery is a failure. In fact I have been very excited since I made the decision to take this big step. I guess it is the ups and downs of feeling crappy about myself. I recently got together with my sisters and I was the biggest one. Three of us have always been big, but this time I was the grossest. I have been looking at pictures today. At 5'4" and 275lbs of course I look bad. Sometimes you just don't know until you have to look at it. I dress professionally everyday for work, but I can't even cross my legs. I don't feel comfortable just sitting in a chair unles I have a table in front of me to lean on and hide behind. I do feel that some people are less than welcoming to me because of my weight. I want to change that. I want to be able to cross my legs. I want to be able to enjoy traveling because the seats are comfortable. I want to put on clothes and feel good. I want to wear a size 16 or less. How sad it that? I want to wear a size 16. People who wear a size 16 hate that size and feel too big. About 8 years ago I have a thyroid disease and lost weight. I weighed 170 lbs. I desparately want to feel that way again. I want my husband to want to be with me because he finds my sexy, not just because he loves me. (Wow. How many women say just the opposite!) I want my kids to be proud of me. I want to WANT to be in pictures.   I want this surgery more than anything right now. I want to be proud. I want to be healthy. I want to love what I see in pictures.     Well, I had the surgery at the end of October. I have made this a LIFE change so far. I haven't told anyone really except my doc, my hubby and a friend. Intimacy is SO MUCH BETTER!!! I look forward to flying in April for business because I don't worry about the seats and seatbelts. I think I am now the SMALLEST sister although I won't see any of them until I visit them this summer and they don't know yet. I just bought a size 16 pants and I can cross my leggs and frequently do sitting at my desk at work.   I love my band. His name is Band Jovi!:drum:
julie.ann

julie.ann

9
 

I'm dreaming of Plastic Surgery....

I know someday I will get PS, but I have another 4 1/2 years until I have my lapband surgery paid off so I will have to wait until then unless something else happens.:thumbup: Depressing to know that it will be 5 years before I can get this extra skin taken care of and my breast will keep sagging until then too. I want the headlights back on bright instead of pointing to my toes. I think I would even be happy with my body now if I could have PS. I think I would be able to fit into a size 10 then (I am wearing a size 12 now) and I never even thought about wearing a size smaller than that. I remember wanting to wear a size 16 and couldn't imagine fitting into a size 14. (Don't get me wrong I would rather have extra skin than 100 xtra pounds!!!!)   I am getting to the point where I can tell a difference in my shoulders and face. I look in the mirror now and think, "Wow! Is that me?" I think my double chin has practiaclly dissapeared and I have cheek bones. I even wore a tank top when I went golfing with my hubby yesterday!!! That is a NSV! :w00t:   While lying in bed last night on my side my hubby started to "caress" (for lack of a better word) my hip bone. Not like when I started to feel my hip bone when I tried, but it is really THERE! I was kind of complaining about being fat last month and DH tapped my rib cage. I told him that hurt and I rubbed the spot and he said, 'That's because I hit bone, not soft stuff." It kind of surprised me that he was right. :biggrin: Another NSV.....I like the way I look in my swimsuit. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have a two piece or anything. It is a solid one piece with a little skirt, but I feel good in it! Who would have ever thought. :eek:   This week end has been a bad one for me. I am dealing with a lot with my daughter and I used food. I will be okay. Weekends are the hardest for me. I will be back on track starting now and the scale will keep moving. [ATTACH]126[/ATTACH][ATTACH]127[/ATTACH]   High /Surgery/Current/Goal 285.5/ 271 / 182.8/ 142.5 Banded - 10/29/08 Four fills - 4.7cc/10cc
julie.ann

julie.ann

8
 

The Reveal....

Well some of you "old timers" might remember me from nine months ago when I was a brand new bandster. I decided to keep my decision to have lap band surgery a secret...FROM EVERYONE! I have lost 108 lbs. Along my journey so far I have told a few people. It took months for me to tell my best friend. At 5 month post-op I told another friend and then a few co-workers. I have not told my family. Not only did I not tell them that I had surgery, but I did not tell them that I lost weight. I thought that I would surprise them....and I certainly did! I live in Kansas and my family lives in Florida. I just got back last night (Fade to black....cue flashback.....)   All by myself I got off the plane and primped in the bathroom. My baby brother picked me up. He is 25 years old. Ten years younger than I am. I couldn't believe how nervous I was!!!! He was on his way and I stood outside the airport waiting for him. There was this couple that looked very kind and I asked if they would mind taking a picture of my brother because I have lost alot of weight and he won't recognize me. He doesn't even suspect it. So he called and said he was pulling up. I asked if he saw the lady in the black and white shirt with the red purse. He did and I told him to pull up in front of her and I would come out. He got out and started to come into the airport to help me with my bags. He turned to that lady with the red purse looked her straight in the face and gave a polite smile and nodded and kept on walking. That lady just smiled stared and turned to watch him walk away. He saw her turn towards him out of the corner of his eye and knew he was being watched and so he turned back. The lady with the red purse started laughing and his jaw dropped and slowly his mouth turned into a big O. That lady was me, his sister that he hadn't seen in a year!!!   I just laughed and he said "I haven't seen you look like that since you were in high school!" That would have put him in 2nd grade!   So my baby sister was surprised and said very calmly, "Oh my goodness!" and gave me a hug. I was sitting on her bed holding her new, 3 week old daughter when my parents came in. I hadn't thought about how to do this. So they walked into the bedroom and dad smiled at me like I was some friend of my sisters that he didn't know and my mom walked in and I started to laugh and that gave it away. Mom kept saying "Oh my gosh! Wow! You look great!" She said it about 5 times. Dad recognized me too when I started to laugh and he gave me a big smile.   We were sitting in my sister's bedroom and dad just kept staring at me. I pretended like I didn't notice, but he was staring and it was great. My other two sisters just said "Wow! You look great." Again they were very calm.   It was AWESOME and then I could post new pics of myself on facebook because I had even been avoiding that to keep from spoiling the surprise. I just can't tell you how exciting it was!   I gained 3.5 pounds on my vacation. Guess what? It was a vacation. Nothing to beat myself up about. I couldn't wait to get back to the gym now and I am ready to start losing again!   I have really opened up when I was on vacation. I even at a pretzel! My sisters couldn't apprieciate that like all of you can. A week ago I never could have gotten a pretzel down. I still have GREAT hunger control with the band and so I am going to hold out and see how I do with this and get a fill if I don't do well the next few weeks, but I am not really worried. I know I have my band and my band loves me.   I am HOPING that my family, especially my dad will want to get banded. My older and one younger sister could loose 75-125 lbs (Dad too), but I don't know if it is something they will consider. I would be so happy for them if they did!.   I can't attach my new picture I had taken because it is too big, but I will try to upload it to my album.
julie.ann

julie.ann

8
 

A confession and strong words to set an addict straight.

12/21/08   My name is Julie and I am a food addict. I thought I had my problem under control. I thought that I had learned so many lessons that I could jump back on the wagon if I ever took a little sip from the bottle…so to speak. I had a Christmas party to go to on Friday. It went okay. Not great. I had a half of a dinner roll. Except for an occasional thin crust pizza I have not had any bread of any kind for 2 months. I didn’t even want to know if it would go down. It was a dinner party and they served steak. If it wouldn’t have been for the drink I had and the bread with butter I would have stayed under 1000 calories and been okay with the carbs…but I did eat and drink those things so I guess that’s how it is. The next day comes and I weigh in and I lost another 0.9 lbs. I realize that it will probably take another day to see the damage on the scale. I did good at breakfast and took my lunch to class with me and I was a very good girl. Pizza for supper…not so good. Today I have screwed the pooch….so to speak. (Can I say that here?) It is Sunday which means I am home all day and the gym is closed. Sundays are my hardest days! I ate leftover pizza for lunch and then …..we made Christmas cookies. I feel like a toad for the first time in a month! I half heartedly did a cardio Firm work out for 30 minutes today. Not a great work out. Oh here is the kicker…Are you ready…I was only 0.2 lbs away from my New Year’s goal. The gym is closed Wednesday and Thursday this week and next week. I want to go out and eat everything I can get my hands on. Almost like a last supper before I hike my butt up back onto the wagon. I’m not going to. I have to hit the gym in the morning if I can get up though. I have class tomorrow night, so I can do it then. It would have been better it I had gained a smidge back after eating badly just to teach myself that I can’t get away with it. I have to go back to those lessons I thought I learned. 1. DO NOT EAT UNLESS YOU ARE HUNGRY or unless it has been 5 hours since your last meal. 2. PROTEIN FIRST then you can have your HEALTHY side dish. 3. STOP EATING BEFORE YOU FEEL OVER FULL! 4. DO NOT EAT BETWEEN MEALS 5. DRINK YOUR WATER but not during or right after meals. 6. YOU WILL NOT SEE THE RESULTS YOU WANT UNLESS YOU WORK OUT! 7. Getting the lap band doesn’t make you lose weight. YOU STILL HAVE TO EAT HEALTHY AND EXERCISE!   Time for a reminder Julie!   Eating is for survival! It is to get enough nutrition to live. That is its main focus. It is not a reward. It does not console us. It doesn't take away boredom. It doesn't listen to our problems. It is a fair weather friend....actually not even a friend at all. It is that bi*chy girl in jr. high that we thought liked us, but only pretends to until she can stab us in the back.   Memorize it! Put it to song. Make up a dance…I don’t how you remember it… LIVE IT! Okay you addict, get your big butt back on the wagon! Stop putting it off. Remember YOU ARE AN ADDICT! Oh you were so proud of yourself for 2 months. Well the jokes on you. Two months is not enough to give you permission to go back to your crappy eating. It only took two months to take off 45 lbs. I bet it would only take 2 months to gain 45 lbs. Didn’t you have some NSV along the way? Remember what it felt like to sit in a chair and feel like you didn’t know what to do with your fat stubby arms except cross them over your too big belly? Remember how it felt when your husband put it arms around you and you felt like he had to try too hard to hug you? Remember the first time you crossed your legs in YEARS. Maybe not as comfortable as you want, but you did it without even thinking. Remember putting those size 22 jeans in the give away and lounging around the house in the size 18 jeans. Remember putting on the shirt that hasn’t fit you in years. Do you really want to be back to that person that you see in all the pictures that have been taken of you over the past years? Remember when you started out and your goal was to feel comfortable sitting on the bleachers watching your kids play ball. Have you even thought recently that you have felt more comfortable doing that? What is more important to you? A slimy greasy piece of pizza and doughy cookie dough that sits in your stomach and makes you feel like crap or feeling great about yourself. What is more fun? Seeing how long you can go in between meals without getting hungry and being surprised by how little took away your hunger….or greasy butter garlic bread with a bowl of sodium filled tomato sauce. You are paying $265 a month for 5 years to have this tool to help you be healthy. You are so cheap…do you really want to throw all that money out the window for a crappy meal that will make your chest hurt and your feet swell again like they had been up until a month ago? Go to bed now and when you wake up you need to decide what you are going to do with the rest of your life. Are you going to live the life of a “user” or as someone in “recovery.” It’s all your decision Julie. It’s up to you to be a wonderful, healthy successful person who loves not only life, but herself as well!
julie.ann

julie.ann

8
 

My First Fill....Strange!

12/5/08 My first fill! Yeah! What a ton of weird feelings. I never had anyone walk me through what it was like to have a fill, so I am going to put it down here. Well first I should say that Dr. Kirshenbaum is the one that did my fill and every doctor is probably different. So I went in and they weighed me. I don’t mind getting on the scale as long as the numbers are going down. I went into the exam room and there was a sonogram machine on one side of the table. So I laid down on the exam table and the doctor came in and felt for my port. No problem. That was easy. He cleaned my tummy with alcohol and then betadine. He asked if I was ready and after I said yes her poked me with the syringe. It didn’t hurt at all. He worked on getting all the air out of the syringe/needle. I had a little stinging sensation a couple of times, but I think that was either the saline hitting the inside of the port or from the needle being in where I’m not used to having a needle. J He had 2 syringes. One had 1.7 of saline in it and the other had like 2.5 of saline. He put the 1.7 in my band and then had me stand up. So now I have a needle sticking out of my tummy. Yeah it was as weird as it seemed! I drank some water without any problem. So now he puts more saline in and says drink some more water. OMG! I it just stayed in my pouch. Just sat there! It felt so strange. I wanted to cough it up or something. He took out about .5cc and then no problem. Now we did the dance. He put in .4cc and I took a drink and there was a definite hesitation in my pouch and then a tiny burp down there and it drained. He took out .2cc and I could drink and a tiny hesitation and then it drained. He took out .1cc and no hesitation now. I can drink and it was just fine. 2.8cc for my first fill. I know the number is arbitrary, but still nice to know. I took food with me so I didn’t have to worry about what I was going to eat. It has been a habit that has been working pretty well. Even if DH and kids eat at McDonalds I have something to eat. So anyway I had some cottage cheese and chicken salad. No problem. I went to TGI Fridays and had a grilled chicken breast. Small mindful bites and no problem. I can’t believe that .10cc more and I would be too tight. That is only a couple of drops of saline. Amazing. I guess the band is much touchier than I thought. I think some doctors have set amounts for fill. (.5 for each one or something.) I’m glad Dr. K isn’t like that. Fill till restriction then pull back just enough. Sounds good to me. Oh then he pulled out the syringe. WEIRD!!!!! No pain though. I will go back January 9th for my second fill. I even got to meet someone from lapbandtalk.com! That was cool too. The girls in the office today recommended this thrift store for cheap in-between jeans. So I look for jeans and I finally see this one pair of petite jeans. There were a size 18P Sonoma brand for $4 so I thought I would get them and they can be a goal. I started in a size 22 and they are baggy, but my only jeans so I wore them today. So I just got home from Denver (7 hr drive) and I hold them up and say to myself that there is NO WAY, but I'll try and see how far I get...they will be my first pair of "goal jeans". Guess what...yep! THEY FIT!!!! Not comfy enough to lounge around the house, but I can wear them out if I want to. WOW! What a day. My first fill and this!
julie.ann

julie.ann

8
 

My first of many NSV (Non-scale victories!)

11/9/08 I’ve already begun to pull clothes out of my closet I haven’t worn in years. And that started just a week post-op and continues. I can’t believe it. I am already ….um…..more comfortable with my husband. Okay that was kind of weird putting that down. I’ve moved to weighing myself on the Wii Fit. It says that I’ve lost a total of 27 lbs and I’ve got from a BMI of 49 to 44.11. That is amazing! I was embarrassed of my BMI even on the boards, but I feel more “normal” for a new bandster now. I’ve upped my calories to 1000-1200 per day. I think that is where I need to be to keep the weight moving and I plan to start back to the gym this week. I haven’t gone to the gym regularly since about May. I hope that will jump start my weight loss even more. I still worry about my port and band and I can’t wait until my first fill. Not just for the fill but to be reassured that everything is ok with my port and band. I don’t know what I will do if I need a revision. Self pay means I definitely have to worry about that stuff!
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

Soft Calorie Syndrome

After almost a year being banded.....   Okay, so I have addmitted to myself that I am too tight. I have fallen into soft calorie syndrome. It sucks. I hope I can get a tiny unfil on Monday. My weight loss has been so-so and eating is too hard. I have fallen to soft foods, especially ice cream. BAD BAD BAD!!!!! Kind of depressing, but I want to get the unfill before I have to worry about a slip or erosion.
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

Memorial Day Challege.....- 100 lbs

Just dropping in to say YAY! I have lost 100 lbs which makes my Memorial Day Goal!!!! The weight is coming off more slowly becuase I haven't been sticking to my high protein diet like I was. I am still losing and that what matters and it really is more on a lifetime diet. I know I have been eating in a way that will drop the weight off quickly. I have still been working hard, but high protein will drop the weight faster than any other type of diet that I have found. I have lost about 7 lbs this month instead of 10-13lbs. I love dropping the weight fast, but I feel like I am starting the point in my journey that really gets to the real life eating. Sometimes I don't make the best, most nutritious choices, but I have been very rare breaking a single rule until after my first 6 months. Working out continues to be a major part of my journey. I have started a weight training program at my gym. It is giving me variety and that is what I need to keep it interesting. Is losing 6 or 7 lbs instead of 10-12 lbs a month worth the extra here and there that I am eating? I guess that is the question. Everyone needs to aswer that for themselve. I am really happy with how I look, but I know I am not done yet. I saw myself in pictures this weekend. (BSN Graduation) and I was very unhappy with what I saw. I guess maybe I need to see more pictures to get me motivated again. I am still following most of the bandster guidelines most of the time. I am less than 43 away from goal so I could still make my goal of being half the person I was just one year post op. We will see what happens.
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

My favorite Band Friendly Foods...

1-25-09     Some of my favorite foods!   Sizzlin Chicken and Cheese (Inspired by the dish of the same name at TGI Friday's)   Saute pepper and onion strips in EVOO Spray Chicken Breast grilled or pre-grilled and warmed melt 2 pieces of american cheese on top. Takes about 10-15 minutes to from chopping veggies to eating if using pre-grilled chicken.   Excellent! Full meal! ------------------------- Quick and easy chicken salad. 1 can of chicken 2-3 tblsp light miracle whip 2-3 tblsp sweet relish garlic pepper to taste Mix it all and refridgerate until needed. Makes TWO servings. This is a main dish for me. It takes about 3 minutes to make. I take it to work. ------------------------------------------   Cold Turkey Mix 3 oz turkey breast - I like it refrigerated ½ cup cottage cheese ¼ cup frozen peas – thawed. Mix all together and enjoy. Mixing the textures helps the turkey breast go down easier. It might sound gross, but I LOVE IT!!! And it is so healthy! Hormel Roast Beef - great stuff. On package has about 3.5 servings. Sometimes I have a side of veggies with it and sometimes I mix it with cottage cheese like above. ----------------------------------------------   Stuffed Chicken Breast from walmart Sam’s Choice brand They have different kinds. I really like the artichoke and spinach or the pepper jack cheese and bacon or the swiss cheese and jalapanos. It has 230-270 calories, 7-8 carbs and 30-35 protein. It is enough for an entire meal. It fills me up! -----------------------------------------   Chili Dogs – Super Bowl is coming!!!   2 97% Fat Free Hebrew National Hot Dogs 3 Tblsp Chili dog sauce – Great Value Brand   I just heat it in the Microwave.
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

OMG! Getting stuck is not for sissys!!! And not for me!!!

1-28-09 I got stuck. I don’t mean my weight. I’m talking about my chicken breast I made for supper. If you have never had anything S-T-U-C-K then I can’t even begin to tell you how horrible and miserable it is!!!!! I have done some small time sliming in the past, but tonight was the first time I did any PBing (productive belching). I couldn’t have imagined what that was like! When I have slimed in the past I would have some belching trying to move that piece of whatever (usually meat) down to my stomach. This time I might have a tiny belch and all this slime would come up and I couldn’t control it. I can’t believe how much would come up around the chicken I had stuck. BLAH!!!!! It took about 80 minutes to get past it. I couldn’t believe all of the sudden it passed and I was okay. My throat is still sore. I’m going to take it easy. Needless to say I didn’t eat supper tonight. I followed that ordeal with a protein shake and a couple of pieces of cheese latter on. I wanted to keep things liquid or soft. I also didn’t make it to the gym tonight because of this. I was going to go after I finished supper. I guess tonight supper finished me. This morning I was starting my metabolism up about with a Morningstar sausage. I a bite that was a tiny bit too big and it slowed me down. I started thinking maybe my fill from 2 1/2 weeks ago started working and tightening me up. I've always been tighter in the evening....I guess so! I hope I never do something stupid enough to make me feel like that again!!!! :cheatfree:
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

Three Month Bandiversary!!!

Have you seen a big girl do a happy dance? Okay......Honestly I am saving that for onderland celebration, but guess what I hit today!   WOW 60 pounds gone!!!! YAY!!!:cheatfree:   Oh yeah...today is my 3 month bandiversary!:cheatfree:  
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

Off the wagon...

11/7/08 I fell off the wagon…..Ok it was more a jump….or leap. Yeah, Leap would probably cover it. I know that I shouldn’t have, but I did. I have been having a hard time getting in even 900 calories. Of course the monster I fight (obesity) tells me….well I have been so low on calories it won’t hurt. One time. One meal. I’ll write it down and figure it in. I don’t have a fill yet. It will be okay. After almost a month with no bread, pasta, potatoes or rice I ate pizza. I feel like crap. My chest hurts because I ate too much. I wish I could rewind. I am so happy that I can start over right now. I can’t think about what this has done to the scale. I won’t think about it. Yeah…..maybe that was a little too Scarlet O’hara. Sorry I am feeling a bit dramatic. I almost want to puke, but I don’t want to take the chance of hurting my band. HA! That is almost funny. If I didn’t want to hurt my band I wouldn’t have eaten pizza. I ‘ll tell you what really got me started. I stepped on the scale yesterday and I had lost a total of 26 lbs. I was on cloud nine. It was the first time I had been in that area for about 2 years. Today the scale gave me back 3 lbs. I was tired, sore and frustrated. It isn’t a good excuse to do that. I won’t step on the scale until Monday. I need to stay off of the scale except once a week. I have that compulsion to weigh everyday. Now that I have the Wii Fit (I just got it yesterday!!!) I even have another excuse to weigh. I’ve got to stop that.!
julie.ann

julie.ann

7
 

Is it time to stick a fork in me? Am I done?

Well this is the question I have been wrestling with lately. Am I done? My goal weight is about 35 lbs from here but I have lost about 108 lbs. I started a size 24-26 and I am now a size 12. (I'm sure a size 10 if I could get a tummy tuck.) I have started to plateau. It has been tough the last month and especially the last few weeks. I haven't been as strict as I used to be. Part of me feels like I should be happy with my weight. I am happy. I feel more confident. Of course I would feel even better if I lost at least another 15 lbs. I know that.   Is is so bad that I feel happy....dare I say the word....satisfied with my weight? I am 177. I am 5'4" with a BMI of 30. I want to weigh in the 160's for the first time in 20 years, but then why am I doing more of a maintenance diet than weight loss diet? That is the only thing that I can think of. I am happy enough with where I am. I am having a hard time admitting it. Maybe it is because I am SUCH as goal oriented person and I haven't reached my goal. Maybe I need a break until after my vacation at the end of the month and just work on maintaining. Maybe I need to quit making excuses, quit cheating every other day and get back to the grind. I don't know. After 8 months...9 if you count my pre-op diet maybe I am just burned out on folowing the rules. It is hard to keep motivated when the scales aren't moving. It is hard to get the scales to move when you cheat. I wish I could find my will power I had in the begining. Maybe I need to put old pictures of me up, but I know I don't look like that now. Maybe I need more pictures of my now so I can see how much I still need to lose. Any sage advice for a not so newby?
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

How to Lap Band .....is that a dance?

This is how I am doing what I am doing.   1. The second most useful tool for me is keep VERY CLOSE track of what I eat on www.sparkpeople.com That is about all I do on there because I have this great support system here so I don't use it for that. This may even be my #1 most useful tool at this point until I reach my sweet spot. It helps me to make smart decisions. Remember the band is just a tool. It won't keep you from putting things in your mouth that will cause you to gain weight. Until we can all get out of bandster hell and get to that much talked about sweet spot. Many I have talked to can eat anything they want...just in bandster portions.   2. No potatoes, rice, pasta or bread. I say none, but I do have an occasional piece of thin crust pizza. I went without anything that resembled any other these for a month. I got these carbs out of my system. Oh, I still eat carbs. Don't get me wrong. I eat plenty of carbs. No atkins diet for me. But they have to be carbs with purpose. Veggies or fruits. I look at potates now, even mashed potatoes and think...nope, so not worth it!   3. This is also a BIG ONE. Anytime I look for something to eat I stop and ask myself "Am I hungry?" :bored:I know sometimes it sounds like a stupid question. Sometimes I say "Yes!" Most of the time I say no. Sometimes I have to stop, be still and really listen to my body. There have been times that I had that head hunger so bad I said Yes I am hungry and then stopped, put everything out of my mind and asked myself again. I wasn't physcially hungry. I don't know why I never got this before when I would diet or even not diet but just eat. There are times I think something looks great and I find myself thinking "I wish I was hungry so I could eat it!" How weird is that? You might really be hungry...but give it a chance. My doctor told me to do this on my phone consult and I think it has saved my bacon (no pun intended) quite a few times.   4. I try to plan my meals. I can't plan them out week in advance. I really can't plan them out 24 hours in advance because I don't know what I'll be in the mood for. I plan my meal a meal in advance. Especially supper because I want to keep within my calories for the day. I put in into Sparkpeople when I decide what to eat. That way I have the chance to change my mind if I've made a bad decision.   5. I am pretty happy with how I've lost, but sometimes it is pure will power at this point. Just this week I was on the eliptial at the gym and I wanted to quit and go home. I was tired, stressed out and had a million things to do. I literally had some very strong words with myself. Don't get me wrong I said them in my head. Everyone alread thinks I'm fruitcake without arguing with myself in the middle of the gym. :rolleyes2: I really had to say, "You want to quit? Go ahead. No one is making you stay. No one is going to do this for you either. Do you want to hit wonderland in April or June or do you want to wait for 2010? Stop right now and go home if that is the most important thing for you right now. But if you really want to surprise your family and inspire them to get the LAP-BAND® then you are going to have to stop wining and keep going. It is only 15 more minutes. Can you really not spare 15 minutes today to get healthy?"   6. I have committed to hitting the gym 3 times a week for 30 minutes of cardio each time. Last week I worked out 5 times (once was a 1 1/2mile walk outside) and I have started to do weights and sometimes I'm at the gym for an hour and that's great, but if I don't do any more than 30 minutes of cardio 3 times a week then I don't allow myself to get down about it. I've been told that you don't have to follow all of the guidelines all of the time, just most of them most of the time. I posted those guidelines here: My Bandster Guidelines..... - LAP-BAND® Surgery and LAP-BAND® Discussion Forum   7. I weigh myself everyday on my Wii so I can see how what I do affects my weight. It also gives me a graph so I can go back and see where I was and where I am. I have an excel spread sheet too to tell me where I will be and when if I lose 1 lbs a week or 2 lbs per week. It seems so small but it helps me see the big picture. I found it on-line and downloaded it!
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
 

I am not longer OBESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M OVERWEIGHT! I want top shout it from the rooftops! I am overweight! NOT MORBIDLY OBESE, NOT OBESE. I am OVERWEIGHT! According to my Wii Fit my BMI is less than 30! YAY! Finally! 110.5# GONE! My next big goal is to weigh less than what my driver's license says! I've got 15 lbs. for that milestone!
julie.ann

julie.ann

6
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