Hi :thumbup:
So I had a revelation today. Expressing your feelings is healthy. For so long I have been a very private person. I had to make everything appear hunky dorry on the outside, so no one could see the pain on the inside. I have such a fear that if people know my struggles or worrys that they won't like me. I have to keep all my feelings to myself so I won't be judged. I think that is why I turned to food. I am even embarresed to cry in front of my own family. I am uncomfortable being that vunerable. I think that is why I turned to food so long ago...food doesn't judge. But food is a false friend...it is temporary comfort, then it is gone. I realized that if I am fully going to make the best of this surgery and truly change my life, I have to make some internal chages as well as eating habits.
So I have decided to do a daily blog. I'm not going to suffer in silence anymore! Instead of eating my feelings and internalising everything, I'm going to purge it on here. I hope if you are reading you can get something out of it too!
I hope that made sense..I feel like I'm rambling :thumbdown:
I'm tired of not feeling good enough. My whole life (I'm twenty two) I have in some way felt that I am not a "worthy" as someone else because I my size. I was always slightly bigger than my friends, but not overweight by anymeans. So why did I feel that way. Because I allowed people to make me feel that way. I was funny and I had lots of friends, but that was it. I was never the girl the guys wanted to date, just the girl that the guys wanted to talk to about other girls. My whole life people have made little comments that made me feel bad about myself but I just laughed them off. I just feel like I have been on the sidelines of a long time watching everyone else live their lives. I watch romantic comedy movies and think that will never be me, because I am not worth that kind of love...again because of my size. I need to get to the point where I am okay with me. I am not Ashley the fat girl. I am just Ashley. I feel like a thin person on the inside, but I just don't look like it on the outside so I feel conflicted. Why are we defined by our size? I want to be 140 pounds. That is a good size for my height. But if I'm not okay with the person I am at 240, then I'm not going to be okay with the person I am at 140. Our worth is not relative to our size. It's not the smaller we are the more worthy of happiness we are. It's time for me to realize that, or I will never get the weight off. I'm good enough, and so are you. You always have been, and you always will be. We need to start taking care of ourselves. Not for anyone but ourselves. We are worth it, and that's the bottom line.
