vinesqueen's Journal

a dream.

Lastnight I had some very strong dreams, some pleasant, some not, but the one that is sticking with me, (besides the part about being feed shots of Senior Frog's green tequilla) was one of love and self acceptance. The scene was after a huge flood, the waters had receded and the clean-up had begun. A very large woman was being interviewed by a national morning talk-show, like Goodmorning or Today (I don't watch these types of shows, but you know the type). She was about 350 pounds, and a professional belly dancer. She finished her interview, than ran out infront of the celibration parade and started dancing. She wasn't wearing typical belly dancing costuming, but it was still very pretty. She started dancing, and suddenly she opened her costume and "gave birth" to two other large dancers, who were strikingly beautiful, even though they both weighed about 300 pounds. They were also dressed in skimpy costumes, but they didn't care what anyone thought, they just danced their hearts out, danced to show their joy and happiness that the flood was over and reconstruction was to begin. This was so amazing for me. I woke up with a sense of renewed determination. Here were these fat dancers who were out there for everyone to see, they didn't care what anyone thought, they just were out dancing their joy that the disaster was over, and time to rebuild. I have been so stressed lately, feeling like I'm treading water and not making any headway in my journey. It's hard to face the scale when I gain weight on 1000 calories, but I'm not giving up. I'm dancing like no one is watching, whirling my way through the debre of my life. I'm a bull terrier, once I latch onto something I don't let go, even when common sense says to move on. But I'm not giving up. I'm not letting go. Never give up, Never surrender.

vinesqueen

April 1, 2006

1 year bandivarsary

HI Campers! (Hi Crystal!) Well, today is my one year bandivarsary. Not a single expectation I had before my banding has materialzied at least when it comes to weight or size, but perhaps the evaporation of my asthma symptoms (yay me!) makes up in some small measure for not losing weight. (that whole not-dead thing goes a long way I think) I have lost a net of 30 pounds since being banded. I've lost 15 pounds since April 2005, which is hardly impressive. This last year has been quite a ride for me. Right now I'm not even bothering to try to lose weight, I'm just concentrating on maintaining. And I'm doing a very good job of that. Someone on another board told me that they were disapointed that I've given up, that I wasn't even trying, so of course I would fail. But that's just it, I haven't given up and I haven't failed. I don't think the band failed me either. Or maybe I do. I dunno. I know that I was very angry that I wasn't able to lose weight. I was well on my way for a while to developing my first eating disorder -- this summer and fall I was completely obsessed with counting everysingle calorie trying to lose weight. (tooth paste does not have any significiant calories, BTW) I spent a month at 700 +/- 100 (okay, mostly - ) because I couldn't lose weight at 1000 or 1200 or higher. I lost 1.5 pounds that month I was too tight. I thought I had developed a leak, but it was just a case of an interventional radiologist who didn't have enough experinece letting out more fill than he was putting in... It's hard watching everyone pass me by. It's hard to watch folks who started out with similar stats to me loose 10 sizes to my one size lost. It's hard to watch them lose so much more in pounds that I feel like I ever will. But at least I've recorded every one of my NSVs that I've ever noticed, which does help. After all, when I'm invited to go on Oprah when i finally do get things figured out, I'll be able to share more than pounds lost, I'll be able to share the life I've gained. So, since I badger everyone at their bandivarsaries for their favorite NSVs, here are my favorite ones right now. My top ten NSVs in no particular order. I didn't die from resperatory failure. Probably my biggest NSV, that whole not-death thing. Probably my favorite one too.
I have wiggle room when I fly, and I don't need an extender anymore either. (is that one or two?)
I've run for the bus without even thinking about it
I've been able to chase my Spudboy down the stairs and out into the street before having to stop becaue I was laughing so hard
I've started bellydancing again, and I'm a professional bellydancer too now.
I no longer have a "breathy" quality to my voice, but I'm told it's strong and clear now. (no more asthma!)
I am no longer The Great Crystal Dam in the bathtub
I can cross my legs. HOLY SH*T! I can cross my legs!
donuts no longer have any appeal
I have realized that I will never go hungry again. (it's a wolves thing)

vinesqueen

March 14, 2006

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