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Your changing body

I wrote this in response to this thread. http://lapbandtalk.com/showthread.php?t=14862 Kellie had written about being dissatisfied and bored after losing more than 60 pounds. She wants more, but isn't sure what is going on because she's changing so rapidly. ...   Romance is not just for the beginnning. Romance is for sustaining the relationship.   Okay, I can't talk about losing weight, and the changes it brings, but I think I can speak to the base issue.   Everyone gets bored occasionally, even I do. But the key is find something passionate. I'm not just talking sex, but passion for life.   Of course you are in a weird place right now, and of course you wouldn't know what you are doing, where you are going. You, my dear, are entering uncharted territory. You are physically changing dramatically, and with those physical changes come emotional changes. Instead of hating what is happening to you, instead of hating the changes, I think you need to fully embrace the new you. Celebrate because you are going where you wanted to go.   But it's hard to understand the why and how when you are right in the middle of the transformation. I think butterflys don't like it when they first change. They used to be one thing, and everyone around them knew what to expect, they knew what to expect as the catapiller. Becoming a butterfly means that they have a whole new skill set to learn, they must learn to fly, they must learn a new way to eat, they must learn a new way to interact with everyone around.   You have all this new found energy, that you are not used to having. Of course you want to shake things up because you now have enough energy to want something more, something different.   I think your needs go beyond the bedroom. I think right now you need a little apprication, because we all do. I think you need some extra TLC because you are changing so rapidly, and change can be very scary. But I think if you want more romance, you will need to be more romantic in turn. But only you and your husband can decide what is romantic for you. Latenight pic-nics under the stars, love notes, camping trips, dancing... all different.   Perhaps that's it! Dancing! I know that ballroom dancing is making a comeback bigtime, and for good reason. It's great excersize and romantic at the same time. It will give you a way to connect with your husband on an intimate level, that doesn't involve being naked, but rather on a different level that is just as important as sex.   But one thing I think is important here. You need to find something that you are passionate about that has nothing to do with sex. You need to channel this new energy you have into something constructive. I don't know if you have communtiy parks and recreation centers where you can go learn a new hobby like painting or ceramics or woodworking or soemthing like that. You might look at your working situation, maybe transfer to another group or take some classes that will further your career. (my career is one of my passions) Perhaps volunteer with an organization that you feel strongly about, the local animal shelter, homeless shelter, or battered woman's center. Get involved with politics or the local gardening club. Start a catering business where you only do children's parties. Buy a new video game....   Your husband and children cannot fulfill all your needs. I don't believe it is fair for you to ask them too either. You need to find something else you can focus on, something that gives you passion, or fires your smoldering passion __________________
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

World Domination!

I'm High again I just mowed the front yard and weeded part of my rock garden and watered the rock garden and cleaned the rust off the 3 different types of hoes and cleaned the rust off the spade and the fork and cleaned the fern and mulched two flower beds and watered the lilacs... and two days ago a trip up from the basement needed a rest in-between all last week I was weak and tired, could hardly do anything but sleep I still don't feel "strong" like I will later in the week if only I didn't have theses lows, can you imagine how much I could get accomplished? World domination!
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
 

whirl-wind

Well, last week I had my week's work-up at OHSU.   My PIC line closed off, and the tape they used ate the skin off my arm, so I've been fighting an infection there. It really chewed up my arm, but it finally stopped hurting.   I got my famous jugs yesterday, so I'll do the first UFC tomorrow. I'm so wound up tonight, that I'm probably high.... Heh, any where else, in any other context, that would sound bad.   So, I didn't perform at the bellydance party on Friday, like I was supposed to. There will be other solos so I'm not really upset. I just couldn't face the questioning looks with the way my arms ended up being chewed up over the week. It would have just been too hard dealing with the questioning looks. Too hard.   Sunday afternoon I got a call from my sister. Our mother had been having some serious health issues, and the doctor called her on a Sunday, and told her that's she's got pancreatic cancer, it's verified. So now I have to deal with that, and with my rotten brothers.   Sunday night my Spudboy started throwing up with diarea, so I spent all night in the ER with him while they pumped him full of IV bags, pain medications and anti-nausia drugs. I think I got about 15 minutes snooze time in the ER.   Monday, after we got Spudboy home, and socked away in my bed, I think i got about 90 minutes of sleep, I was too wound up. I had a job interview at 3:00 and had to find and print my resume. Had to get the printer out, the good paper, and all that stuff. Road constrction in addition to not being sure where I was actually going for my interview added to the stress, but I arrived in plenty of time. I WOWed him. It was only an informal interview, to see if either one of us wanted to set up the full and formal interview loop. A full loop is an 8 hour loop, and is quite the endurance test. Anyway, I WOWed the guy! He's off for a 10 day inspection of one of the facilities in India, but he wants me to think about where in the organization I think I would fit best, what I would like to do most within the organization, where I want to focus.   Yesterday I had a partial unfill. I "only" had 1.5 cc in my band, but it was too much. I was getting tighter and tighter, and we decided that I should have .25 removed. I have had every meal without pain or PBs or slimes. Heaven! I'm hungry, and I know I'm eating more than I should. Funny, only a Banster would think that an entire chicken breast was too much food? I'm not tracking my meals, which is added stress I don't need right now. NWWLS has a new surgeon who's joined their practice, and he's an experienced neuro-endo-surgeon who's apperently one of the leading docs in the area, both subject and geography. He quickly outlined what the surgery would be in I had to have the adreanals done.   So, tomorrow I get my test resutls from Dr. L. I am excited and scared at the same time. I don't know what time he's going to call me. And I'm sitting here, wound up like a top.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

week's activities for week ending 4/1/06

Well, It's sure been a wild week for me.   I got all moved out of my apartment at Idaho State, and moved back with my husband and son. I've sure missed them. My MIL drove back with me, which is a good thing because I'm doing that "completely blind in the dark" thing. Hard to drive 14 hours, but we did it.   I still have half a dozen bins to unpack, and re-integrate back into my family. I have to go through things and repack things that I don't need. I'll be saving them if I decided to go back to ISU, after everything is taken care of.   Still haven't figured out what my husband did with my main pencil pod with my drawing pencils, nor my main sketch book, but I have a back up set of pencils and sketchbook, even if the pencils are not in a nice contained pod.   One of the first things I did was find out if the local parks departments was offering bellydance. Joy of Joy! They are, and they are offering it at the new facility they built by my house. So I have bellydancing in walking distance! Today my husband took me down to a local Egyptian shop and I bought my first professional dance bra, I'm so excited! I got a gold beaded one, in the Turkish style. http://www.pyramidimports.com/bellydancing/bdbs1004.htm is a pix of the bra I got, but I sure don't have her body! :girl_hug: I was amazed that they had a bra to fit me, but they did, and in stock! I'm so excited. I already have a burgundy and gold belled dance belt, so I didn't buy this one.   I spent the morning clearout out our pantry, getting rid of almost all the grains and open pasta and bread mix types of thing. Some of the packages have been in there for ... gosh, 3 years, and some how, moths got into the flour products. So everything went into my neglected compost/worm bins. I was happy to see I still have some worms hanging out, neglected as they were.   This week I got my date to go to OHSU for a complete test pass.   Wow, what a week.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

Week at OHSU.. no CSS

I did NOT have the CSS like I thought I was going to, nor have I met Dr. D. There is a possiblilty that I will meet him tomorrow, but I'm not actually holding my breath. I don't know why I didn't have it after Dr. L said last Tuesday, and now I feel somewhat foolish for saying that Iwas going to have one.   I've had a great visit with a couple of Cushies who were in town! One of the husband is a hoot and a half, and My husband and I had a good time geeking out with him at Lunch. But poor cushie-wife was in a Low while I was Sky High...   I got really good at drawing my blood for the 32 hour draws, and my dear husband was ever so thankful he only had to play messenger service, not actually do the blood draws.   One thing I figured out is to make up all the packets for the tests as soon as I got my orders and supplies. It was VERY anoying trying to dig out everything for the 4 am draw, especailly since I'd made the kits ahead for earlier draws.   Hopefully I won't be doing another 32 hour test, but if I do, I'm prepaired.   The other thing I learned was to bring an insulated no-drip coffee cup. Being from Seattle I only have about 8 or 10 of these things about the house, and it was so much easier for my hubby to just take the cup filled with ice to the ER than to try to worry about an ice bucket and random ice going around those really sharp corners up the hill to OHSU. I think next time I will bring small baggies to put the tubes in when they go inside the insulated coffee cup.   Tuesday I had lunch with a cured Cushie and her cousin, and I could feel myself spinning up faster and faster. I know that I must have appeared to be a speed freak, or a coke-head as fast as I was talking, and as tangental as I was. They are absoluet dolls, and it was helpful for me to know that they had a darn good idea of what was happening.   So, I go up early for my 2:30 appointment at the clinic and I'm suddenly spun WAY out of control. Patty at the front desk wanted me to fill out the "why are you here" paper work, and I couldn't figure out what the heck I was there for. I couldn't think, I couldn't concentrate, and I think I wrote down something like "I'm here for cushing's but my brian won't work anymore, help" So I get back to the room, and my blood pressure is the highest it has ever been in my entire life, I'm crying, and I can't stop moving! I couldn't stop pacing, shaking my hands and head at the same time. I was a freaking out, and not having a good time at all. Chris had me do an imediate draw, but I had to have her help because I was so frenetic. I explained that I've been like this before. Or at least I tried to explain that.   Frenetic is the only word for how I felt for close to three terrible hours.   Chris had me draw my blood at 3, 4 and 5 o'clock. I'd done one at Noon, and then the regularly scheduled one at 8. I can only hope and pray that they cought something. Chris wanted to know if I've ever done that before, and yes, all the gods and goddesses help me, I've been that way before. I finally started to calm down a few minutes to 5, but I was still mighty spun High.   So, Wednesday, I started the Dex. Before I started, my back hurt so bad, I was pretty sure the crash was on it's way. My husband and I decided that we would kill some time by taking a drive up to Mount Hood, but by the time we got to the Village of Government Camp, an hour or so after I took the first dose of Dex, I crashed as hard as I was afraid I was going to. For about 4 hours I was completely out of it, with a few dips back to lucididy. Or what I thought was lucidity. My brain would work, but it was too much effort to say more than a few words. I don't think I've ever sat still that long before, not moving a muscle.   He called Dr. L, but my symptoms were bad enough to need to go to the ER, but that I needed to be watched. Since I'm staying with my friend here, who's mom just happens to be a nurse, Mike make the call to go to their house early. He had to half carry me to the Mom's bed, where I slept for several more hours.   Then Bing! I wake up! I'm alert and my entire body functions just like it is supposed to.   But, being on the Dex, I don't have the BRUTAL headaches that normally accompany such a crash. That was significant, all by it's lonesome. Dr. L told my husband that the dex would make things better. Or make me feel better, anyway. I don't know if there is a difference there.   I was really afraid that I was going to crash as hard as I ended up doing. I knew that as High as I was, my Low would be that low. But the amazing thing is that I didn't have the headaches or the back flank pain I normally get when I crash. I know I said that before, but I wanted to repeat myself because it was so significant.   Since I've been on the Dex, I feel GREAT! I mean really wonderful. There have even been times where the washing-maching noise in my head has completely stopped! It's been amazing to have that noise shut off, even if it's only for a few hours at a time.   I don't know what to expect tomorrow when Chris shoots me full of that stuff to see if I suppress or not. I don't know if it is going to call the head-aches that the Dex has been able to put off. I just don't know.   But one thing I am going to do is ask for a prescription for Dex! It makes me feel.. like a normal person. Like I've been able to strike a wonderful balance between that High and Low. These last couple of days have felt nothing like when I Swing up High from my Low, because I know what those feel like. These last couple of days I have felt like I think Normal is supposed to feel like (except the part where I have to get up at 1 AM to take the dex or the 4 am Potty trips.... I'm pretty sure that Normal doesn't include those   The last time I did the dex test, it didn't seem to have any affect on me. Nothing that I could detect anyway.   But oh mamma! What a difference this time! I feel absolutely great on it. I think partly because I was headed for a land-me-in-the-ER crash, and this time, while I did have an extended period of "extreme weakness" I haven't had the terrible headacke that I normally do.   How terrible to have a normal headache. Sorry, but that's just odd to say that. To be like that.   After the Terrible High I was on Tuesday, this crash should have been just as bad, but since I've been on the Dex, no headache! No brutal back ache!   I wonder if I'll be able to talk them into giving me a precription for it to take home.   It is wonderful to not live on peracets for half the time. Just wonderful.   Anyway, sorry for such a long post.   I prolly won't post again until Saturday. I'm still in Portland at my friend's place. Hopefully I'll be able to leave mid-afternoon. If it gets much later than 3 pm I'll have to stay another night because I cannot see in the dark. When you can't see in the dark, you dont' get to drive in the dark. :faint:
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

UFC of 214

Dr. L called last week to tell me that I'd tested really high I went through a whole range of emotions.   214 from 6/21. He wanted to know what was going on with me that day, but I was on vacation in Seaside OR, trying to forget that I had any problems at all. Funny how things come and drag you away from the lovely river in Egypt…   Part of me was very excited, part of me was very distressed. Yes, I know the MRI showed a tumor. Yes I know part of the beauty of the River is that it is a defense mechanism.   So, with the number I am closer to some sort of resolution.   I call my husband and cried after I got off the phone with Dr. L. This makes it more real, it means that it isn't a delusion, that it isn't a fabrication. I still don't know how I feel. It is so hard, for so many reasons. I mean, on the one hand we desperately want answers, answers to why we have all these crazy symptoms. But unfortunately, the answers are as frightening as they come.   I don't want this, but I do. It's terrible, but wonderful sort of. It is validation. It is hope, but a hope that brings with it new fear. That number brings out new questions, new unknowns that I have to deal with. I know that other people have tread the road that lies ahead of me, and I am grateful that they are willing to share what they have seen and felt, willing to share their experiences both good and bad.   This number represents validation. Validation that this is real.   I too think that the testing is nearing an end. I feel that this is starting to speed-up, that it is becoming faster and faster. I know that my cycle is speeding up, and getting stronger at the same time. Like it's some sort of demented oscilloscope. There are some days where I feel like I'm going through a full cycle in a day. But I want this to stop.   I want it to stop, but I am afraid that once this get taken care of, that I'll be fixed in a place where I feel terrible. I am starting to recognize where I am, by how I feel. I have good and bad days, of course, but I'm afraid that I'll get "fixed" in a low state. I suppose we all have this same fear.   Damn, I'm crying at a stupid twilight zone episode. The low has started. I only hope that I don't have the same depths of lows as June. I ended up with my adrenals shutting. Ending up in the ER because it scared my son and he called 911.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

Turtle Tribe call to action.

TURTLE POWER!!!! We are slow losers. But we need to demand answers.   I've been thinking about this for the last forever. Or at least it feels like forever. Why are we so different, why doesn't the weight fall off of us like it does our rabbit sisters and brothers?   So, I decided that instead of ranting and raving about not losing weight, crying to the folks that can't help with the underlying problem, I decided that I would start crying to medical doctors, not to therapists.   I went to my PCP and demanded answers. He couldn't help me, other than putting me on thyroid meds, which as it turns out I needed. But he couldn't help beyond that, and I haven't seen much activity scale wise from the increased thyroid function. He said I should find an endocrinologist, and good luck. Not much help there, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he was baffled, well, basically because he told me "I'm baffled."   So I went to another doctor demanded answers. He couldn't do anything, but he did refer me to an internist. She's wonderful; she doesn’t downplay my problems, or my concerns. She doesn't blame me for being fat, she doesn't view all my problems through that if-you-lose-weight-your-problems-will-go-away lense.   And who here hasn't had all their medical problems blamed on their weight? I think that might be why we, as turtles, haven't demanded answers, demanded that they figure out why we can't lose Wight on 1200 calories, or 1000 calories or even less. We think that if we just follow the Bandster rules and guidelines like good banisters, that if we do, the weight will fall off of us. I mean, this works for everyone else, why doesn't it work for us?   Because I think there has to be something else going on with us. Medically speaking, there has to be something that is keeping us from losing weight. If all the literature says that women will lose 1 to 2 pounds a week eating 1200 calories a day, if all the banding literature says that we should expect to lose 1-2 pounds a week, if we follow the rules.   Well, we are following the rules. We are eating within the stated guidelines, or if we are too tight we eat less, we exercise, we drink water, we attend support groups (LBT if nothing else); we do all these things and in most cases see a 1 to 2 pound loss a month.   So, how long do we beat ourselves up? Why shouldn't we get discouraged and stop trying because, just like every other wild hair-brained scheme to lose weight, this one doesn't work either.   Someone said that their doc said that if the thyroid med didn't work that we couldn't blame the medication, which I took to be one more example of blaming the fat person. The implied message that I took away was if it doesn't work, it's your fault, again. Well I say rubbish. It may be that the thyroid medication isn't the answer, but there has to be an answer somewhere.   So, if you are a true turtle, or even a winded wabbit, call your doctor and demand answers. Don't take no for an answer, don't take, "if you just lost weight" for an answer. If your surgeon's office can't help, talk to your PCP. If she can't help, demand a referral. Cry, weep, and threaten a break down if you must, but demand those answers. Don't let them shuffle you off to see a therapist as the only course of treatment either.   I think we owe that much to ourselves. We owe that to ourselves, our families and loved ones. We even owe it to the other turtles who come after us. But mostly, we owe this to ourselves.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

The Band is taking the easy way.

so many of our bansters, our celibrated Rabbits, it really does seem like magic. It has worked almost like magic for my husband, who most definately is a Rabbit.   Something that has me viewing eating as a chore many days MUST BE MAGIC. Something that has given me back my life MUST BE MAGIC. Something that has given me back my husband MUST BE MAGIC.   In many cases the only difference between magic and technology is understanding the science. Since they don't know exactly why the band work, because they only theorize that because of the way the band is place people feel satiated.   This is in some respect the easy way. I mean, I can't even begin to count the number of people who've lost 50, 75, 100, 150, even 200 pounds with the band. For the first time ever for so many people, they have success. THEY HAVE SUCCESS. Not only have they lost the weight, but they have kept it off. They have success. THEY HAVE SUCCESS.   This is from a thread earlier from this evening. http://lapbandtalk.com/showthread.php?t=14566   So, what's so wrong about taking the easy way? Why does it make it better if it's a struggle than if it is easy to lose weight. Is the weight loss less valuable, less worthy of celibration than if every ounce is a struggle like mine? Need to start an entire new thread.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

temper temper

So, I'm feeling really High, which doesn't help.   I woke up late, not that I have anything to do with my life, but I wanted to get up before it got hot. Husband refuses to sleep with me, so I'm generally pissed off about that. He doesn't want to sleep outside with me, and inside is ... well there is no way I can sleep in the house its so hot. He said there was no room. IT'S THE FREAKING BACK-YARD! HOW MUCH ROOM DOES HE THINK HE NEEDS????   So. I got up late. Took my two full UFC jugs from yesterday into the lab so I could have my blood drawn. They always want it fasting, so no coffee yet for me. Because it's a fasting-draw, it means the my morning is disrupted, because I dont' have my coffee. It's the ritual, more than the caffein, I think.   Get to the lab, they draw my blood. I've been doing back-to-back UFCs since Friday, but they ran out of the containers because I'm pee-ing my brains out. (Is it normal to pee 5000 ccs a day? I think not.) Anyway, this morning they got a shipment of supplies, and the containers they got for the UFCs are 3 counces. THREE OUNCE BOTTLES FOR ME! Ok, that was actually funny.   Did I mention that I got a phone call about 5 minutes after I got up? It was from the breast cancer center. They found a large mass in my right breast.   Obviously, 3-oz bottles are not going to cut it for the pee machine I've turned into, so the other lab-tech drives over to their main office to get the right ones for me. While she's gone, I decide I'll head over to the grocery store to get a latte. I bought some small grocery items, while i was there, some specialty coffee stuff. I got some cash back so could go to the movies to beat the heat.   I go back and get my correct UFC containers, and it hits me that the total at the grocery store was a little excessive, so I double checked my recipt. They over charged me for the maple sugar, by $4! So, I drive back to the grocery store and get that straightened out. I leave the store, and the sugar on the counter. Then I realize I've lost the $20 bucks I got earlier, and the guy comes out with my sugar.   So, by this time, I'm cranky, my head is splitting, my kidneys hurt, and I've just realized I've lost a $20 bill. Oh, and I have to pee. I go to call my husband, wanting him to say something sweet to me, and disover he's forgotten to pay the cell phone bill. In my frustration, I had a temper tantrum, and threw the phone onto the passenger seat, which promptly bounced against the window.... That was the best part of the morning. That I'd rolled up the window.   I didn't realize that my son, who's been driving my car, left me on empty. I don't think I have enough to make it to the gas station. So, he's not going to drive my car again, not for a long while. Oh, and the last time he drove it, he and his girlfriend destroyed my MP3 adapter so I can listen to it through the car stereo.   All I wantted to do when I got home was take a baseball bat to something. Anything. My husband's motorcycle. The broken one he bought for me and refuses to fix. Smash all the mirrors in the house because I can't stant the sight of me anymore. Break every dish in the house, throw all his clothes out on the lawn and set them on fire, take an ax to the shed.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
 

swinging High

I'm now higher than not, but not yet high enugh to do more testing.   It's sort of facinating, in a Dr. Spock sort of way, to watch every mood, every physical symptom, charting it to determine where I am. Sometimes I wonder if people are really supposed to be so in-touch with our bodies, and othertimes I wonder why everyone isn't so in-touch.   The last two weeks have been physically difficult. I've been in a low, but thankfully not as low as I was in June. No adreanal failure, knock on wood, but I was very low nonetheless. The last couple of days I've had terrible kidney pain, an 8.5 or 9 on the 10 painscale. I suppose I should have called Dr. L, but I didn't. I'm so tired of doctor visits, I want a normal life. But I have no idea what that is like. I remember when I was in my 20's that I had so much energy, so much ... life. I can only hope that the headaches stop once I have the pit surgery.   This morning when I got up my face was very puffy. My eyes looked like I have a bad case of poison oak, which in a very weird and twisted way is a good thing because it lets me know that I'm going to be a screaming maniac soon. The bruise from my last accupuncture treatment still hasn't healed, but then again, I am not really expecting it to since it's only been a week.   I have the will to do things, which is another sign that I'm heading high. Yay! But unfortuantely, I don't have the stamina. The lows leave me so weak. I'ts like I have Addison's on top of the Cushings, which is all part of the magic of Cyclical Cushings. I either have too much or not enough. Overdose of cortisol or withdrawl from it, with now a week or so in the middle where I feel somewhat normal.   I've done a few load of laundry today, which is great for several reasons, the least of which is that I need clean panties! The key is to not over do, which is such a delicate balance. When I feel good I want to do all the things that I don't have the energy to even think about when I'm low.   I suspect I have a CSF leak, which considering I haven't had the surgery is a bad thing. Well, a CSF leak is never a good thing, ever. Last month while we wer in Seaside I had the leaky feeling, and again on Sunday. It just isn't normal to have your nose suddenly leak when you bend over. It usually happens when my headaces are at their worst, and then I'll do something like bend over to pick something up off the floor, or I'll sweep up something into a dustpan... and then I'll feel something tear loose and my nose will run. It doesn't taste like snot, sort of salty and bitter. Again, it's weird to be so in-touch with my body that I know when the flavor of my snot is wrong.   So, the wather is supposed to be getting hot, just in time for me to be heat intolerant. Funny how that works. Oh well, it will all to my stress.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

3
 

strength

This is what I wrote to someone on my cushing's board. I thought it was important to me.   And as for you not being strong, I don't buy that for a minute. You are stronger than you know. Just by demanding answers you show your strength. Just by coming here and posting, asking questions and helping others, you show your strength. It's not a case of lifting the entire car at once, it is about lifting each little nut and bolt at a time, each little component one step at a time shows your strength. You only see the small pieces you do, and don't recognize the larger picture. You are stronger than you know, but I know how strong you are.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

Saw the Endo today

Well, today I saw the Endo, but it didn't go quite how I would have liked. Becaue I don't have the strechmarks, and because I work out I don't have the thin arms and legs, he doesn't think I have cushings, but he ordered the 24 hour urine test and three other tests. (my husband has my PDA with that information). I do know they are testing my testosterone because of the increased body hair, the increased facial hair (6 laser hair removal treatments and it is all growing back) and the male patterned baldnes, he thinks I might have something wrong, like a masculinizing tumor, but probably not cushings.   He wasn't interested in my sudden and unexplained weight gains, my fatigue, or my inability to lose weight. I think the man weighs 150 soaking wet. He's going to send me to a doctor that specializes in metabolic issues, although she mostly sees professional atheletes. He kept refering to me being obese (no kidding) and thinks that is why I'm having all the problems. He thinks I should work harder at losing weight. (hello! I had WLS for crying out loud, I work out, and I've managed to lose 15 pounds net since April.   I'm not terribly optimistic, but he didn't dismiss me altogether either.   He did tell me to stop taking the thyroid medication. He looked at my test results from Jan and couldn't believe the other doctor put me on thyroid medication.   This doesn't mean that I don't have Cushing's, it just means that I won't know until after I get the test results back from the lab, and until I finish peeing in a bottle for 24 hours. Oh joy that one...   I just sort of thought that after reading all that I've been able to read about Cushing's that some of the major symptoms that I have would have been looked at, and not brushed aside.   He wasn't interested in my journals, my before and now pix to see the difference and I was disapointed at that. The Cushings's board said to bring all that stuff, and he didn't even want to see any of it.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

Restless legs

I've had restless legs all my life, so does my mom. I've found that if I eat LOTS of broccoli it seems to help. Unfortunately, not even I can eat 8 servings of broccoli a day/night. I take extra folic acid supplements and that seems to help. My mother read an article in Prevention magazine about 800 years ago and they suggested extra folic acid as a possible treatment/cure. My entire bed gets destroyed when I sleep, On the nights I don't/can't sleep, I'm absolutely astounded that when my husband get up, he can just smooth down the covers on his side of the bed, and of course, mine hasn't been touched. When I sleep alone in a bed, everybody's side gets messed up! I've been taking Mirapex for about 3 years now and it really makes a huge difference in my restless legs. The difference is in getting to sleep, or being miserable until I drop from exhaustion. You see, for me, when it's bad, it isn't a case of wiggly legs, but flailing about like a woman possessed by demons. I'm sure I'd have been burned at the stake! When I'm feeling compelled to audition for the Rockets, I find it's just easier to get up and high step round the house until I can't move another muscle. (Usually only when I run out of the Mirapex.) If I lie on my tummy, I just do flutter kicks, like I'm swimming, then my husband kicks me out of bed. Not really, but I’m sure he wants to kick me out on night like that. Instead, I take pitty on the poor man, and go wiggle and vibrate in the kitchen until I’m ready to drop. Someone suggested heavy blankets to keep one's legs quite... what torture that would be for me! My ex-husband would get fed up with me and my legs and would try to physically restrain me... what torture. As far as I know, RLS and panic attacks have nothing to do with each other. To give you an idea of the difference between the two, consider these the following: RLS is sort of like that guy who sits next to you with his leg wiggly, and just won't stop wiggling it. Bouncing that knee, like there was an imaginary baby being entertained. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, and wiggle. Panic attacks, on the other hand... AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM and AHHHHHHHH!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!! KIDNAPPERS!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!! SPIDERS IN MY SHOE!!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!! MISSING BABIES!!!!!!!!! and Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! DEATH !!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!! and LOOKOUT!!!! CAR CRASH!!!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!! SPIDERS!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!! WATCH OUT!!!!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! and AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Impending DOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!! And DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!! DANGER!!!! But that's probably just me.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

ramblin' ramblin' rambin'

Nothing special planned for the weekend. I was going to spend some quality time with WoW, World of Warcraft, if everything co-operates. Hope to get a movie in on Sunday afternoon.   I spent about and hour this afternoon trimming bushes and waging war against the blackberries. Oh the Blackberries! Nothing says "abandond property" like blackberries! Sure the English Ivy will take over almost as fast, but some how it looks genteel as opposed to abandonded and unloved. But I topped off the giant yardwaste bin (not composing because of the blackberries) and a medium sized garbage can (again, not composting because of the blackberries.)   It's almost 3 am and I'm wide awake. I've been up since 7am and good grief. Kind of figures that the day I take a break from testing I'd be up all night. I don't care! I'm making a break from the Tyranny of the Jug!   Still no word from Chris at OHSU, I had called thrusday morning and left a message, I had hoped that she would call, but no such luck. *sigh*   I heard back from my niece tonight. I strongly suspect that she too has Cushing's. She saw her PCP, and he send her to an Endo requesting RUSH testing. She actually saw the Endo the next day. Doesn't look good, Her hump isn't humpy enough, she's not weak enough, her stria isn't red or wide enough, but he did order some blood tests and a UFC.   My son came home bragging that he'd gotten to see a Pirate rock band at the local mall. Every Friday they have live music on the stage, as well as several other nights, and tonight they had a group called Captain Bogg & Salty Spud and his girlfriend BabyGirl (I"m working on a new nickname for her, this week I'm calling her BabyGirl) bought all their CDs and had a really great time. Apperently they group had a FisherPrice, My First Mosh Pit... When I ripped the CDs to my harddrive it came up as Children's genre, so there were lots of kids in the audience. So there you go.   I'm detecting a theme to his latest gifts to me.. Pirate CD (but not pirated one ), pirate playing cards, pirate rubber ducky, and my very own tooba pirates... Well, I'll be well prepaired for International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Sept 19th. (I'll be having my 3rd anual Pirate party... on 9/16, since ya can hardly have a rip-roaring Pirate party on a Tuesday Depending on how I feel tomorrow I might see if I can get my husband to take me to the SeaFair Pirates landing. Yeah, like I can handle the crowds... LOL!
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

4
 

performance enhancing drugs...

It seems like the only sports stories I hear about are the scandals involving professional athletes and steroids and/or performance enhancing drugs. It got me thinking. How can I personally relate these stories with my life?   Imagine if you will, that I am a world famous athlete. I’m one of the world’s top baseball players. Never mind that in reality I’m recently 44, 5’4” with frizzy hair and I’m shaped like a baseball… Why, even my face is shaped like a baseball… Anyway, someone gets suspicious… my bat’s on fire, and I hit for the cycle almost every game! Hey battah-battah!   My batting average gets better and better, until finally, the baseball commission finally has no option, they must test me for steroids and performance enhancing drugs. Bad news for me! The blood tests come back and my testosterone comes back “freakishly high” and I’m clearly on steroids… They are even starting to affect my life off-field, getting into fights…
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

3
 

OHSU, part II

Tomorrow I go see Dr. L at OHSU again. A couple of weeks ago Lynne called me and told me that they want to see me. That I didn’t need to test any more. I guess when they tell you that it’s because they have all the data they need or want.   Part of me is so afraid that he’s calling me down to tell me that there is nothing they can do for me. That I don’t need to test any more because there is nothing wrong, at least nothing wrong that losing weight won’t fix. Oh sure, if only I could lose weight.   My husband said that I shouldn’t worry, that they wouldn’t have us drive 3 hours plus each way, just to tell me that there is nothing more to do. He figures that Dr. L would just dump me over the phone, like any bad relationship.   My son asks me every day when are they going to take this thing out of my head. And then he either punches me in the arm or bitch-slaps me, or attempts to anyway. That’s one way he can tell if I’m High or Low… if I’m High there is no way he’s going to count coup on me, no way. But when I’m Low on the other hand… well, he knows that I’m going to be moving in slow motion, tai chi slow… He’s got a long way to go before he counts enough coups on me, that’s for sure; I’m so far ahead on the coup count he will never catch up.   Last week was really rough for me. I was very, very Low, and my headaches were beyond reasonable. I was temped to go to the ER a couple of time, but it wasn’t until Friday night when I was throwing up that I went. I’d taken two phengren during the day, but by 8:00 pm I was throwing up, or at least I was giving it the old collage try. After the fifth dry heave session I gave up and had Mike drive me to the ER. I didn’t’ want to go, but I couldn’t’ stop heaving, and I couldn’t keep anything down.   We had to wait for over an hour in the waiting room, so many sic people on a Friday night. The doc thought it was another migraine, but this time I didn’t have the weakness, so I could explain exactly what the headache felt like. These headaches are nothing like migraine, but something more. I can only hope that when I finally do have the pit surgery they will go away.   Anyway, it took the nurse three tries before she was able to start the line. But she used lidocane, and besides, my head was in so much pain I don’t know that I would have even noticed the IV going in. Yeah, that bad. The doc wasn’t convinced that I’m not having “atypical migraines” so she wanted to try a combination of phenegren and benidryl. She said that was a sure fire way to knock out a migraine. Well, like I said, it wasn’t a migraine, and no it didn’t work. So she ordered a large dose of the narcotic for me. She said they were done pussy-footing around.   On previous trips to the ER they gave me the usual small amounts, then had to repeat several times before I was beyond the pain. The last time they gave me a double dose, but again, had to keep repeating the dosage of the medication. This time they just game me a large syringe of the good stuff, lowered my bed and put me on oxygen. I have no idea how long I was knocked out, but it worked. I didn’t have a head ache the next morning. You have no idea how wonderful it is to wake up without a headache. If you do know, you have my deepest sympathies.   Before she gave me the injection, we talked about pain management. She sent me home with a prescription for the highest dose percacet they make, a big bottle. She wants me to keep on top of the pain, and to not let it get away from me. So, now I don’t let the headaches get to far into the really bad range before I start managing the pain. No more “riding it out.” No more being the tough girl. She also had the radiology department make a CD of my CT scan from last week. We thought I was having a stroke or a TIA because the right side of my face was melting.   I see the neurologist in a couple of weeks, but tomorrow I go to OHSU to see Dr. L. Back to that worry.         And now for something completely different…   The chinchillas are my husband's pets, but I've been training them to get used to being handled, so they will willingly come to me in their cage, because they know I always have a treat for them. Tonight I decided that I'd start working on them to see going in their balls as a happy thing, so I put treats in them, and let it be their decision to go in the ball, or not. Usually my husband stuffs them in there so he can clean their cages, very high adrenaline stuff...   I was able to coax them into their balls and they had a good roll-around. Now I have these basketball sized balls roaming freely around my house. One of the chinchillas is really adventuresome, while the other got himself stuck between some pillows and boy shoes...Chilly got out of his ball, and it didn't take much effort to catch him. Spud, my son, scared him under my Chase lounge then I had him turn on the light, and I got one of the millet sprays to try to coax in from under it. Instead, he just crawled up between my arms as I was kneeled beside the chase   Chilly let me pick him up without any fight or struggle. He wasn't interested in the millet, he just wanted me. He didn't struggle at all while we walked to the cage, all the while I was telling him what a good boy he was. Then he stretched out on one of the platforms, like they do when they are hot.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

not reading threads...

I'm avoiding threads where people talk about their weight loss, no weight loss challenges for me, and I'm even avoiding the threads where people talk about their first year. Just too painful, and I find I cannot face their successes that so thouroghly elude me. I feel like a heel for not congratulating them, for not cheering their successes, but I just can't face it. It's like the other day when I went shopping, and wondered into the Nordstrom Rack. To say that I was depressed because I still wear the same clothes I did before I was banded is like saying the Oakland Firestorm was a small brush fire. I was absolutely devistated knowing that eing a good little bandster is so futile, so pointless. I'm never going to lose weight, and I'll be fat forever.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

not patient, not happy

I found out today that it will be a week or two before I get my results from the first round of Cushing's testing. I can't help but pitch a big hissy fit at the thought of waiting two whole weeks for my test results. Dr. E will be out of town until next Monday, and I'll be back in Idaho by then. It just feels so far away, not only in time but space as well.   I see a new PCP tomorrow, my doc has moved to Everette, and that is just too far to go. I've been with her about 10 years, but I was thinking it was time to move on to a different doctor, since she wasn't really taking me seriously anymore. I mean, I had sleep apenea and serous sleep problems and I basically had to twist her arm to get it taken care of. She wanted to blame most of my issues on "needs therapy" as opposed to really wanting to find the cause.   I am just feeling so sorry for myself lately. Monday I ended up in the ER with another bout of celulitus. And my headache has gotten worse. Probably from all the stress from the Cushing's and decideing to quit school for now.   Pain makes things worse. It just does.   I feel anxious and stressed. I'm out of the lexapro, so I guess I need to get that refilled. Duh.   I miss my pilaties ball. How funny is that?   I started to use a new drawing book, "drawing on the Right side of the brain." it's pretty interesting. A very different way of looking at things, much more an adult program than the Mark Kistler books.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

no home Dex.. freaker/tweaker....

they wouldn't send me home with a precription for the dex, so I'm still in the "test" phase. I can only hope they got the numbers that I need.   Yesterday I had another one of those frantic freaker/tweeker episodes. Heh, I'm sure I'd be arrested for being intoxicated in public! I ended up walking in a circle in my kitchen for over an hour... When my brain started to work again, I taught my spud boy how to make a drink for me. He's not wild about giving me booze, but alcohol and cortisol "eat" each other, so I can only hope that one or more stiff drinks will bring me out of it.   I'm so tired of this. I went to bed lastnight at about 3 am, was wired until about 4:30, up again at 6am and then at 8 am again. I am pretty sure this UFC will be really high, but I don't "need" any more high UFCs....   And I'm rambling again.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

no help for the wicked 7-29-6

Wow, so much has changed since I originally started the thread "no help for the wicked." It was 3 months before I was banded, and I was really struggling with my asthma. I mean, really struggling. Death looked like a real possibility.   I really thought that by now I would have lost if not all my excess weight, I would have lost a big whack of it. I was sure that I would be a size 16 by now, not still 22/24. But that is not in the cards for me. I still struggle with this.   But I suppose I should have clued into the "sudden weight gain" since no one else seems to experience that particular "joy." I've since learned that it's one of the hallmarks of Cushing's, and I've had to come to terms with learning that my journy is not the typical journy.   Someone on a recent thread was commenting on how pissed they were because someone told them that by having WLS they were not doing it "right" that they were not doing it the old fashioned way. That somehow having the band was cheating and so any loss woul be less valuable.   I personally think that WLS is the easy way, because it makes it makes it possible for so many people to actually lose weight and keep it off for possibly the first time in their entire lives. I have absolutely no problem with this being the easy way, becaus I have no need for people to suffer. I see little value in adding suffering and grief to life. It's hard enough without looking for extra hardness to add.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

No help for the wicked (2-2-5)

No help for us. We are fat, we are gluttons, we are weak and undeserving of help, sympathy, or adequate medical care. Like Orson Wells said, “Gluttony is not a secret vice.”   Do I believe that? Some days I do in fact believe it, when I’m down, and lately more because of how ill I have been. Mostly it is a load of hog wash. Fat does not equal ugly.   There has long been a weird relationship with food, the body and the Christian church. And of course, we all know the impact that both Protestant and Catholic sects have had on Western Civilization…   Some of the Christian based weight-loss schemes are screaming “fat people don’t go to heaven,” and “use our program based on Leviticus and you will loose weight and be closer to God!” Sorry, I’ve read Leviticus, and I am NOT eating bugs…. (I call them schemes because I think we all here have come to the understanding that “diets” are just schemes…) If you had better self-control, more self-esteem, more will-power, were a better person, loved God more…. You would lose weight and be a better person.   There is no understanding for the overweight from most doctors. Before my husband had his band installed, the cardiologist said “Have you just tried cutting out sweets?” Now, on the face of it, this is good advice, advice we could all use. However, this showed a complete lack of understanding on the part of the doctor. You see, before my husband had his band installed, he weighted 596 pounds with a BMI in the high 80’s. Cutting out sweets would have certainly helped, it wouldn’t have stopped my husband from eating two or three fast-food meals at one sitting, or any of the other overeating behavior some of us know intimately, and other behaviors we are only starting to understand in ourselves and others.   I am currently having difficulty with my asthma: hospitalizations, steroids, greatly reduced lung function, other things as well. What am I told? Well, just lose some weight, we aren’t going to help with this, we are just going to pass judgment on you. Sudden and unexplained weight gain? Well, just don’t eat as much… (never mind that I gained 10 pounds overnight with severe edema…). I have to suspect that part of Delarla’s current adventure with gauze might have been caught earlier if she was thin.   I was told by my doctor that I just need to take up running. Yes that’s right, take up running. Can you imagine a woman with a BMI in the high 40’s running? (Please see the thread about giving one’s self black eyes…)   Being fat or overweight or big boned, or under tall, or metabolically efficient or famine resistant doesn’t make us failures, bad people or jerks. We might be over sexed (skin is the largest sex organ…), but we are not failures, or bad people or jerks. If we are failures or bad people or jerks, it is independent of our weight or size.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

1
 

My complete list of NSVs

Here is my complete list of NSVs (non-scale victories) today. Since I am not seeing any change in the scale, I decided that I needed to review my progress, to see how my life has changed since March 14th, 2005. Because I was so distraught earlier this week because I listened to the damn scale, I decided I needed to list them all in one place.   If you are not currently tracking your NSVs, I really want all y'all to start tracking them. Besides, when we are all invited to the Oprah show we need to have some evidence besides what the scale says, right?   My most important NSV is that I haven't died from respiratory failure.   03-27-2005, 11:04 AM I finally have an NSV! my rings fit again! And I don't have the terrible edema problem I developed over Christmas any more! Woot! Two NSVs for week two!   03-29-2005, 08:18 AM This is a gi-normous NSV. I haven't used my inhaler in five whole days! As many of you know, I have terrible acute and chronic asthma. Five days before my band installation, I had to be taken to the ER via ambulance. My asthma was one of the main reasons I got the band, that whole prospect of death by respiratory failure just didn't appeal to me. (..."I want a death by misadventure) My book bag doesn't seem as heavy as it was before I was banded. (and I do almost all my walking with that book bag) It doesn't hurt to stand at the sink when I do the dishes anymore. I believe it is because I can get closer to the sink because my tummy is smaller. I've lost an inch from my waist! Speaking of inches lost, I've lost a total of 11 from my entire body.   03-30-2005, 06:29 PM another day, another NSV! I ran up a flight of stairs this evening. I didn't even realize what I had done until after I had done it! And my had my 20 pound backpack on. I wasn't even winded when I got to the top either!   New crop of NSVs 4/5/05 Okay, one of the women in my math class wanted to know how much weight I’ve lost. “You’re looking good! How much have you lost?” My purple robe fits me! My jeans slide off my butt!   New NSV 5/7/5 Monday will be my eight week bandiversary. All my pants have been very baggy, so today I tried on a pair of pants I haven't been able to fit for 4 years and I could button them! Size 22 black jeans.   05-10-2005, 07:44 AM Sunday night I woke up because I was laying on something hard. I figured that I must have rolled over on a book or something like that. (I sometimes fall asleep reading). I felt around in the dark, but I couldn't find anything that didn't belong in my bed. The hard thing? it was my ribs.   05-19-2005, 11:20 AM the other day the weather was on the wet side, so I zipped my jacked. Just like that, without even a second thought, zuup up the zipper went. And then it hit me. I. Zipped. My. Jacket! No wiggling, no struggling, no thought! Holy weight-watchers Batman!   05-24-2005, 11:56 AM I got a great NSV Sunday night when I got home. My sweet son wanted to know how I was doing, with the band. We've been apart since I got my band 10 weeks ago. He said I looked really good, and that my face was full of life, and that I was glowing. Then I had to chase him down the stairs and out the front door, and around the truck. I RAN down the stairs, I RAN around chasing him until we nearly collapsed laughing!   06-21-2005, 10:09 PM Today I wore a pair of jeans I haven't been able to fit into since 2002. Today I walked 15 minutes to and from the restaurant for lunch, and I wasn't winded, and I didn't need my inhaler. Today I took a walk with my son and he had to tell me to slow down (of course the silly boy wasn't wearing any shoes...) Today I went grocery shopping after work, and then DID NOT collapse on the sofa all night.   06-23-2005, 11:23 AM Another day, another NSV. Today, not only am I wearing for the first time, a shirt I got for Christmas, but I RAN FOR THE BUS. Yes, you read that correctly, I RAN for the bus. It's not like there wasn't another bus in 5 minutes... but I RAN. Me! and I wasn't winded either! Heh, sure, I'm happy with all my NSVs but a part of me is wondering when I'm going to start having some weight loss!   06-26-2005, 09:40 AM And here I was, worried that I'd never have any NSV when I started this journey... Today, I needed a belt! Now, I'm not in any real danger of pulling a Jonathan in the grocery store, but my pants are uncomfortably loose. I didn't even think that was possible! So, I dug out an old belt that I haven't been able to wear and it fit! 1 notch down, 13 more to go!   07-13-2005, 08:29 PM Major NSV time! I had to get a pair of Khakis for my trip to NY this weekend. I was told "brown khakis" which don't really exsist... Anyway, I digress. I tried on a pair of 22, thinking they might fit. Nope, too baggy. I tried on a pair of 20s! They were on the baggy side! I got a pair of 18s, and they fit! I fit into a size 18 today!!!!! Okay, I didn't buy them because they were not pretty, but I could put them on! Oh my gawd, oh my gawd, oh my gawd! A size 18! I haven't been able to squeeze my pretty little self into a size 18 since my baby was small! Oh sure, my jeans aren't a size 20, but still! It looks like I'll be bringing some clothes to the Las Vegas Bash after all!   07-28-2005, 10:17 AM Okay, I apparently gained 3 pounds but I lost another notch on my belt! Woot! Maybe the best one of all... This morning I realized that I will never go hungry again. (it's a wolves thing)   08-07-2005, 11:28 PM This weekend at the Beach I discovered that forgot a jacket. So I had to buy a new one. I picked up a 2x and it fit fine. A little roomy but that's okay. Wait a second... The sleeves are a bit long. Let's try the XL. I know, I know, an XL? That’s crazy talk. Hey! This XL is pretty roomy... but the sleeves fit. So, I had this totally insane idea... What would happen if I try on a Large? oh, it's never going to fit, it won't even zip up. Nah.. I'm too fat for a LARGE. oh my gawd, she's actually going to try to put on a LARGE jacket??? What, is she nuts? Is she a glutton for punishment? No! She's the proud owner of a powder blue fleece Long Beach Washington jacket!!! SIZE LARGE   8-11-2005 I am not hording food anymore.   8-14-2005 I just realized that on my cross country flight to Syracuse NY I did not need a seatbelt extender. Not only did I not need one, I actually had wiggle room in my seat.   8-21-2005 Well, my NSV has to do with my hording. I gave 2.5 big black lawn & leaf bags of clothes to the help house. I was going to bring them to the bash, but I felt that they were more needed here. I got rid of them while packing to return to exile.   8-22-2005 back to school, and I fit into the desks so well my tummy doesn't even touch the table! No squishing into the desks!   8-25-2005 I just realized that I didn't have any trouble with the change in altitude or the change in heat this year. For the last 2 years going from temperate Seattle to the extremes of Pocatello were very hard on me. A week after being here I ran up 2 flights of stairs in the COB without being terribly winded or needing my puffer. I also have been handling the heat just fine. Of course, having an AC sure helps...   8-30-2005 I had to go buy a big skirt for my Middle Eastnern Folk dance class... Yeah, they don't want us to call it "belly dancing" here, they feel it has "negative connotations." Yeah, what ever, it's belly dancing. I went to several stores trying to find a skirt that would match the requirements, let alone worry about the size thing... So at the 4th and final store I found one, a cocoa dip-dyed skirt. The biggest one was a LARGE, so I wasn't too hopeful. But I was brave and went to try it on. IT FIT! I just bought a size LARGE skirt. Not 2X, not XL, but just LARGE!!!   Mind you, when I bought my Large jacket, I really suspected that the label was wrong, that it had been marked Large in error at the factory, an that it was some sort of cosmic joke on me. Sort of like that pair of size 18 pants that I was able to fit into (didn't buy but that's a different story). I felt that was in error as well. Maybe it wasn't an aberation, maybe it's the truth.   I feel like I have no restriction at all. I still haven't lost any more weight, but I'll take my size shrinking.   My other NSV is a medical one, and has to do with my leg skin graphs. In about 2001 I had a revision of one of my skin graphs from my motorcycle accedent. Every day since the revision, I had to wrap my leg in an ACE wrap to give it support so it wouldn't blow-out. I had such bad edema that if I didn't wrap it, it would buldge out quite a bit because of the nature of the graph. I stopped needing to bind my leg a couple of months ago. I simply don't need to any more, no more edema problem.   9/1/2005 My knees doen't rub together when I walk anymore. My belly roll is squishier and hangs a bit lower. This is an NSV because it is proof that I am loosing fat.   9/12/2005 This past weekend was the Bandster Bash in Las Vegas. I had to tighten the airplane seatbelt. Sure, I've lost 3 pounds since 2/29, but I'm trying soo hard to not focus on that. Focus on needing to tighten the seat belt.   At the Bash this weekend, I got several pieces of clothes. Okay a whole new wardrobe. When you wear your own clothes over and over, it is really hard to notice any difference. I mean really hard. I've been working my way into several pairs of pants that I haven't been able to wear in years and they are size 22. Yet at the bash, I found size 18 pants that were comfortable. What gives with that? Anyway, I have a few pairs of size 18 that are comphy.   9/15/2005 I've been looking at my body fat % and my current Fat Free Mass. If I don't put on any more muscle mass, and stay current where I am, I only need to lose 55 to 70 pounds, not 70 to 100 pounds. I think that's counts as an NSV. Of course, if I can manage to put on 15 pounds of muscle like NanaHarly (Pat in Virginia) did, then I only need to loose 35 to 50 pounds! Woot! I know what I'm going to focus on!   I was tallking to my DH on the phone and I casually crossed my legs. HOLY SH*T!!!! I CROSSED MY LEGS!!!!!   9/17/2005 As of today, I have had 46 NSVs. That amazes me. Today's NSV is that I dropped a .5% in body fat.   9/27/2005 I had an NSV this weekend of a sexual nature. Let's just say that I'm not as bulky.... My forearems and calves have amazing definition. My low belly is shrinking, and starting to gain some definition.   10/1/2005 My 50th NSV is that I am no longer The Great Crystal Dam in the bathtub. There was room on both sides of my hips in the tub! At this rate I'll have to invest in some rubber duckies...   10/2/2005 Spoke with my mom on the phone last night. She said it has been years since my voice sounded so strong. She said there wasn't any breathiness at all. I guess after years of severe asthma, I'd developed a sort of wheezy -breathy sort of way a speaking.   10/22/05 I had a fitness assessment done yesterday. While my aerobic fitness score wasn't very high, 22 out of a scale of 20-50 (needs work), my over all fitness level fell into the Fair range, and my blood pressure is in the Fit range. (mind you, I've always had good BP, except for the first few weeks I'm back in SE ID due to the altitude and heat change)   10/27/05 I am offically no longer Morbidly Obese, but simply Obese. Today my BMI is 39.6, so I might not even qualify for the surgery, if not for my co-morbidities, which are all under control.   My second NSV for the day is that I have been invited to dance professionally at a Greek restaurant here in town. It will be fun to be able to put on my resume that I'm a Professional Belly Dancer.   11/5/05 All my pants are starting to look like giant clown pants, none of them fit in the butt or thighs anymore. If I didn't have this damn thick waist, I would really be in honest size 18 jeans.   My black leather jacket is going to have to be retired soon. It's rediculously large on me now. The sleves alone now hang past my finger-tips and it looks like I could smuggle a medium sized ham in each shoulder. So I tried on my big winter coat, and now it really is my huge winter coat. It's about XX too big. It's fully reversable a suede stadium jacket, with lepord fake fur on the other side. I love this jacket, but next year, some other lucky bandster gets to love it.   It's important for me that last winter before I was banded I couldn't zip the black leather jacket up. There was a 2-3 inch gap that just wouldn't meet. While the stadium jacket fit, it was pretty snug. Not any more!   11/10/05 Lastnight I was using my laptop. In my lap. This means that I HAVE A LAP!!!!! Woot!   11/14/05 When I sit on the floor or in a hard chair, I feel the bones in my butt. Not only my tail bones, but other bones (probably my pelvic bones?) as well.   11/17/05 Okay, time to bump the thread. Last night while Iwas talking on the phone to an old friend from high school I again casually just crossed my legs. Without thinking about it. I know I've done this before, but it's a mind thing I think.   Other NSVs include belly dance stuff. My DH won a few auctions on ebay for me, a couple of B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L belts, a gorgous silk veil and a pair of harem pants. The pants looked impossibly small, even with an elastic waist. I just knew that they were NOT going to fit, but being the glutton for punishment that I am, I attempted to put them on anyway.   They fit! They are too shere to wear without a skirt, so that will have to be next on my list of things to get. The other victories around dancing are some of the skinny ones are asking me for help, since they cannot get some of the moves quite right.   I'm also getting really excited about dancing at the restaurant. I'll do that once I get home after Thanksgiving, and I complete my costume. I still need a top and a skirt I mean, I just bearly broke out of MO, and I'm going to be a fat professional dancer. What am I thinking? I mean, what am i thinking, other than I'm dead sexy and a fine belly dancer.   11/19/05 Okay, Thursday I passed up free donuts, and this weekend I've been busily working in my yard now that I'm home. Raking big fat soggy leaves, clearing flower beds, and the like.   DH is amazined at my level of energy, and so is son. I guess I'm a little amazed too, since for the last several years the only energy I've had at this time of year has been spent trying to breathe or something aerobic like reading or playing video games. I've gotten used to a more active lifestyle in ID with all the walking and PE/dance classes I attend. I routinely walk up several flights of stairs with my heavy bookbag, where this time last year I was using a rolling bag, and needing to take the elevator because my asthma was so bad.   12/09/05 Well, tonight I make my semi-professional debute again!   We had our dance department dance review Wednesday night, and pix will be forthcoming. We were great, several people told us that we were the best group on stage, so that was awesome!   I went out on stage, in front of an audience of maybe 300 or 400 people, and I OWNED the stage. I wasn't the slightest bit nervous, and I'm quite amazed at that, believe you me! I made eye contact with many of the audience, and I had the biggest smile on my face the whole time. Not only did I look like I was having a great time, I WAS having a great time!   The next NSV is my costume... my top was a crop tant top that I've added bead work too to make it sparkle. But the important part of that sentence is CROP TOP! Yes, that's right, I was wearing a belly shirt on stage, exposing my ample belly to the public, with my surgery scars clearly visible! And I did it on purpose!   Okay, this next one isn't an NSV, not really, and it properly goes on the "Skniny Bitches" thread, but here it is We had just come off stage after doing our two numbers and we were all still amped up on adrenalline. We were talking about how we had done, bla bla bla. A group of ballet dancers were there, I mean, right there and one of the skinny blond said to another skinny blond the snottiest comment I've heard in a long time. Okay, all the ballet dancers were skinny blonds, but that's besides the point. She said, in a loud voice "well, at least we weren't shaking our Bon-Bons." In the snottiest possible voice mind you. So, I simply said, with sugar in my voice, "well that's because you can't shake your Bon-Bon." And then I smiled so sweetly at her. (then she said that I was probably right, and the group of them walked away) So, I suppose that makes me a fat bitch, but I just decided that I wasn't in the mood to take crap from anyone.   So, the next part of the Bellydancing NSV is that I'll be dancing againg tonight at a local restaurant, and yes, I'll be dancing for tips, so Big Paul, you'd better leave now so you get here in time, and yes, you'll probably need to take out a second mortgage   So, finally, I'm doing this when I weigh 240 pound and not waiting until I get closer to goal. I'm doing this at size 22/24 and not when I get to my goal of 12/14   12/22/05   I'm less invisible. Last year at this same time I felt so invisible when walking through the halls at school. Now guys hold the door open for me, and men and women smile more at me. Perhaps they just needed a couple of years to get used to me, or perhaps I am more self asured and confident. Confidence attracts confidence.   This time last year I could not breathe. I was in and out of the hospital and making near daily trips to the ER, having several nebulizer treatments every single day. Since I've been home just about a week, I've used my inhaler much more often than usual of late. I've used it 3 times in a week.   This is a weird NSV, but I finally have doctors seriously trying to figure out why I'm not having the sort of weight loss I should. I guess I had to go on the Supermodel Diet for a month before they would take me seriously.   1/4/6 Today I went skiing for the first time in 5 or 6 years! Woot! It was a lot of fun, and I fit into my ski pants from 5 or 6 years ago. I'm so happy! Okay, this was a MAJOR NSV for the DH too because he went skiing too! Spudboy and I had to talk him into it, but he did it! I'm so proud of him!   I didn't use my puffer once while skiing, but was wicked cold because my gloves weren't good ski gloves. Oh, and I didn't have a water proof jacket either...   So, 3 for the price of one.   1/13/06 I just got back from several days in DC, for a scholarship symposium and job fair. I have a conditional job offer for when I graduate, if I can obtain a security clearance! Woot! That's an NSV, since it would be a major job!   I have a whole string of NSVs, the very most important one is that I went to DC WITHOUT AN INHALER. What's more, I didn't even need it. This is super significant because this time last year, and for several years prior, I couldn't go anywhere without at least 2 inhalers on my person. I had an inhaler in every single piece of clothing that had a pocket. Last year this time I had spent 10 days of the Christmas vacation in hospital, don't know how many trips to the various ERs. I didn't even realize that I didn't have an inhaler until the puddle jumper from Salt Lake to Pokey, AFTER my trip was almost done. I was constantly being mistaken for a much younger woman, and when I would talk about my son, people assumed I was talking about a baby or a very small boy. Oh if they only knew!   1/18/06 In class yesterday I realized that my belly wasn't even touching the desk in two of my classes!   2/7/06 I had two NSVs this week. One is that I went to a party where I only knew one person. Big deal? Yup, big deal since I am terrified of groups people. It's not like they are spiders or kittens or something like that, but I have avery difficult time with groups of people I don't know, I'm very shy. (yeah, who would believe that?) But I went to the party, and I was charming and talked to everybody. I don't think my husband would have recognized me....   The other NSV is that I've accepted that I'm not going to lose weight. Not until this Cushing's thing has been addressed or resolved. But because I've accepted it, I don't have to stress over it. I don't have to beat myself up any more.   Oh wait, one more NSV, I need to take my watch to the Jewlers to have one of the links removed from the band!   3/5/6 Well, I haven't had that many NSV's lately, or if I have, they have been lost to me.   I need links removed from my beautiful watch, and I can wear more of my rings. I have to stop wearing one of my rings because when my fingers get cold (winters in SE ID are COLD!) it flies off my finger! Woot!   So, 3 NSVs for Feb 06!
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
 

More Cushing's ramblings

Friday I meet with an Endo, finally. I will be going to Seattle this week, and I have the appointment with my husband's Endo. (Husband is diabetic, and this is his doc)   I tried to make an appointment with the Endocrine Clinic at the UW, but they wouldn't even talk to me without a referral from another Endo and a wad of test results. My Aunt wanted me to go there right off, but they wouldn't even talk to me.   I'm sitting here in near tears because I'm so jumbled up I don't even know what my feeling are, but none of them are happy and light. My husband doesn't totally understand why I'm in a panic, because he comes from a medical family. He and his sisters feel that since I haven't been officially diagnosed, then there is no point in worrying about anything. Since no tests have been run, what's the problem?   I know that part of my grief comes from my past history with doctors not taking me seriously, until something really serious has happened. I had kidney stones, and they sent me home because I "just had a back ache" When I brought in the stones they at least had the good grace to be shocked. And that is just one of many examples of doctors not believing there was something actually wrong. When I had a collapsed lung, the pulminologist told me my only problem was that I was fat. I had an oxygen saturation on room air of 82, but because I was fat, not because my lung was stuck to itself. Like I said, doctors don’t’ take fat women seriously, that or they just don’t take me seriously.   I’m afraid that this new doctor will just see a fat woman and just tell me to lose weight. It’s not like I haven’t tried to lose weight, I mean crap, I had the Lap Band put in last year, and since the end of March, I’ve managed to lose 15 pounds net. Yes, I am very, very glad I was banded, but it’s been hard watching people lose 100 pounds who started with a similar BMI. I spent a month at about 700 calories and managed to lose 1.5 pounds in a month. Of course, when I went back to 1000 calories, I gained 10 pounds in a week. I’ve managed to lose 5 of those pounds.   I’m scared that they won’t find anything wrong with me, that I’m just another head case. I’m afraid that once again I’ll be told to tough it out.
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
 

Mediterranean Diet

Ok, I saw a new local Endocrinologist yesterday, mainly because I needed some local support, someone to locally help me interpret lab results and the like.   I also wanted to see if he could help me come up with an action plan so I don't end up in the ER any more because I crash so Low.   Well, he ordered yet more UFC tests because he didn't believe the other test results :eek: because they are too high, and I don't really "look Cushing's." Cushing's is a biomedical condition. No one says you don't have high bloodpressure because you don't "look like you have high-blood-pressure..." And no plan of action to keep me out of the ER either...   ANYWAY...   He decided that I need to lose weight (ya' think???:faint:) So, he wants me to do the Mediterranean Diet. I suppose that would be ok, but it seems to be very high in Carbs, which as a bandster, I have problems with on several levels, not the least being difficulty eating them :hungry:. But it calls for drinking wine, but I don't drink wine :clap2:, especially red wine, I just have never been able to develope the taste for it.   But I thought I'd share, since it sure gave me a laugh. Ok, so yesterday it was more hysterical laughter, but laughter still...
vinesqueen

vinesqueen

2
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