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About this blog

A chronicle of my process and journey back to myself....

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Patience May Be a Virtue.. but..

Patience... waiting for appointments... waiting for insurance to decide if they are going to approve. waiting for Dec. 1st- the end of my six month managed "diet"... waiting for surgery... waiting for the first fill.. waiting for the weight to start to come off. I am sick of waiting. Yah, I know it will be worth it in the long run, but what is hard is the here and now.... Being in the moment- it is so much harder to remain upbeat. When I have gained and lost my entire body weight at least 5 times in my life... being told I have to go on a doctor managed diet for 6 months makes me angry. How is this time suppose to be different without doing anything differently? Isn't the lapband my honest attempt at doing it differently? I realize the insurance company is really just trying to weed out those who are being impulsive and are not serious about the surgery and the work that will be required to make permanent change.. but forcing me to do a six month managed diet is really insulting. Why not call it what it is.. a 6 month waiting period.. a cooling off period. No one expects me to lose weight on this "diet" do they?.. In fact, it is in my best interest if i do not....isn't it? I have been over weight my whole life... I could probably give detailed instructions on how to follow about every diet out there. And six months more? What do I really get to do? Question myself.. beat myself up.. lose momentum toward my conviction to change my life..... A bad day.. a down day... 4 and a half more months to go... I am grateful that my insurance will even cover the surgery. Many don't. i just think that spending six more months at this weight isn't helping anyone... Okay.. I got it all out.... be gone negative thoughts..... remember.. patience is a virtue...
KJdallas

KJdallas

3
 

Light at the end of the tunnel

Well, I called the office and made all my weightloss appointments and my psych evaluation appointment. The last weightloss appointment will be December 1st! That is kind of exciting as it will be a birthday present to myself (Dec. 3rd). My hope is to have my surgery over the winter break from school. I am going to focus my energy on that. I think in the interim I am going to process the me that I currently am. I want to be able to look back in a year..two years... and remember how far I have come and what it felt like to be here so I never forget and so I can help others with their journey. Why am I here? How did I get here... again... About 15 years ago I weighed in excess of 300 pounds and I starved myself down to about 150. When I say starved.. I mean starved. I put myself on 500 calories or less a day and in a year, I lost half of myself. As soon as I stopped starving..of course.. the weight began to creep back on.. it took a long time.... and here I am back at 300 pounds. I have tried for the last couple of years to get motivated to lose the weight again. I lost 35 pounds on weight watchers last year and I have gained back all but 15. As I struggle to lose weight for probably the 1000th time in my life, I realized something. Things are different. I am different. And I can no longer go on doing things the way I always have. I simply cannot face another "process" of losing weight where I KNOW... I KNOW ... I will gain it back. I smell food and I gain weight. Yes, I over eat.. yes.. I eat the wrong things.. but even when I don't.. I seem to gain weight or at least not lose. I am not making excuses for myself. I am here because of me. The decisions I have made or simply chosen not to make...that is the bottom line.. that is why I am here.... Life does happen and life does cause emotional reactions, but at the beginning of each and every day when I stand in front of my closet mirror and dread finding something in my closet that won't be too tight or emphasize my flabby arms... I know that ultimately... when everything is peeled away.. all the excuses.. all the reasons.. all the events...hurt...isolation...there is only me and I am the only one who can make this change. So, I have chosen the lapband.. after much research... as my tool to bolster my resolve. This decision isn't about finding the easy way....there is no easy way... those who have struggled with weight know that.... I believe with the lapband - this time can be different because I am choosing to be different and choosing to do this for myself... for that morning in the not so distant future where I don't avoid staring at myself in the closet mirror until the last moment...where choosing what to wear will be the best and not the worst part of my day... where I can smile at the woman staring back at me and not necessarily be free of the demons that my weight tried to bury, but coexist peacefully...both knowing they are a part of me. The process continues.... thanks for reading...and please drop me a line.. I would love to be a support.
KJdallas

KJdallas

3
 

All things worth having....

I have started on a journey. A journey that will lead to more than just permanent weight loss. I am traveling to improve the quality of my life...maybe even save it at the rate I am going. As I lament the fact that I must endure yet another 5 months in stasis as I complete the required 6 month managed diet prior to insurance approval, I find that I maybe accepting the premise that this too is part of my process. Anything truly worthwhile is worth the effort, the organization, the planning, and yes.. even the waiting. I lost myself and then covered myself up with extra weight again. It is not the first time, but it is going to be the last. I am going to find me under all of this weight.. my shield...my self punishment... and when I do....the weight will truly be lifted from inside and out and I will never be here again. Here is to the process.....
KJdallas

KJdallas

3
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