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Such a long road, but what twists and turns

Well, it is my Band Anniversary and things have changed.   #1 I left my husband, a cruel and abusive man. I grew a spine and walked out the door with nothing. He told me I had changed. He was angry that I lost weight. He lost his control over me. It is now a very bitter divorce, but I am free.   #2 I am dating again. It has been a year and I love my freedom. I have grown so much. I love myself for the first time in my life. I have excess skin, you don't like it, tough!!! My tummy hangs, you don't like it tough!!! My arms are big, TOUGH!!!   #3 I live with my Daughter. I am 57 years old and I live with my Daughter. I have nothing. But I am no longer isolated and alone. I would rather be broke than abused.   My life has changed, but I am enjoying life for the first time in a very long time. I love this stage. YES there are men out there who enjoy a more mature figure. Yes there are men out there that will take advantage of you. You just have to be cautious and never go back to the type of man in #1   My weight is stable. I am not thin, but I am happy. So, did I change, DAMN RIGHT I DID. Did I leave a cruel and abusive marriage, damn right I did. I started living for me. I don't care if I never have a possession again. I have my dignity. No one should live their life in fear as a door mat. Take a stand, protect yourself.   TELL SOMEONE, you are not alone
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

3
 

Back - But A Little Late

Well, I did the unthinkable. I gained. I went from 180 to 245. YES, all that hard work down the toilet. Battling depression, migraine headaches and cereal addiction. Yes, you can be addicted to the carbs in cereal.   Went back to my surgeon, he did not beat me up as I had imagined. Everyone was so nice. The do fills in the office so it is so much more convenient.   I thought I needed to be filled tight, but after she put 1 cc in she had me drink. YIKES - PAIN!!!, so 1/2 cc out and I have that wonderful feeling of restriction. Actually after speaking to the nutritionist I lost 10 pounds before the fill. How is that for an attitude change.   Now back down to 227. The weight is coming off fast, but I know I am thick. My port use to bulge and I just noticed it doesn't anymore. It is tucked away under a layer of fat.   But the important thing is I am back. I had headaches after stopping the cereal. What a mess. But I feel better and I am satisfied with that 1/2 cup. How amazing is that???   So if you too have lost your way, let me know. The support I received from the nutritionist made me realize that I was wrong. I CANNOT DO THIS ON MY OWN.
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

3
 

What a year

There have been ups and downs. Loss of motivation and triumps. The scale has dropped to new lows. Clothes purchased just a 6 months ago are loo large. Pictures from last Christmas look foreign.   And in the end, it is all me. I have grown emotionally and shrunk physically. It has been over a year now and what a difference. I am not, under any circumstances THIN, but that was NEVER my goal.   I glanced at my reflection in the window while shopping today and one word came to my mind. NORMAL. I do not think that anyone without a weight problem would understand how that word can lift your spirit. NORMAL. I can now shop in the NORMAL sizes. I can now sit comfortable in NORMAL chairs. I can run up the stairs like a NORMAL person. I am not constantly sick, I just feel NORMAL.   A size 28 to a size 14 - NORMAL A size 14 undie to a size 7 - NORMAL A size 48, we won't say cup size, to a 36 bra band - NORMAL   I went to breakfast with family and I ordered my NORMAL breakfast. My Mother how is very overweight had the whole enchilada and ate the ENTIRE thing, eggs, ham, potatoes and toast. I have in the past felt funny ordering out. But this time, I felt confident. A small bowl of oatmeal, 1 scrambled egg white. I had brought my own applesause. The waitress didn't even blink her eyes. She wrote my order as if I was NORMAL. And when I only ate 1/4 of what she brought (okay, that was not a small bowl), she just asked are you done and took my plate.   Normal -   Maybe it was me. Maybe in the past I felt I had to explain. But now - I just want a scoop of tuna and avocado, salmon on the side, and no one questions no bread. That I can thank Atkins for.   But NORMAL, the unabtainable dream of just fitting in, just being part of the life I was missing. Not being that huge fat lady who brought stares on her own. Reaching my dream of Normal,   Normal - blood sugar Normal - blood pressure Normal - cholestrol Normal - heart Normal Life   I thank God for my band everyday I know that without it I would NEVER have acheived Normal.
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

5
 

What I have learned

These are some of the lessons I have learned there is no magic bullet
the band is not "the answer" to all your problems
you need to exercise - no really, you need to be active
if you have to loose 100 pounds your skin will sag
you have to stick to a low calorie meal plan
you MUST control your portion sizes
you have to cut into small bites
you have to CHEW CHEW CHEW
The most important thing to remember, you must, understand, this is the most important thing. YOU MUST MAINTAIN YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM   Funny once we were past our 6 months everyone kind of slacked off writing. Our group dwindled. I was one of them. Our one year came up and I went back. We were all telling our stories and touching base, bringing everyone up to date with how we are doing. I found that I missed that contact. I read their words, their stories and found that they all shared the same problems and hurdles I have come across.   You can't do it alone. You need support. You need someone who understands, who knows, about Pbing, sliming, portions and small bites, and who understands "why you don't have your band removed once you loose the weight" Some people just cannot comprehend that we cannot do it on our own, not that we haven't tried. That is why we got the band, if we could, we would have years ago.   You need us and we you. We have a common bond, our bands. Celebrate that common bond, share your ups and downs. Someone out there understands and is there to support you.
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

4
 

Step Away From The Box - will I ever learn

What is it about carbs? I know I need them, but it is a fine line beween need and NEED!   My tooth broke two weeks ago and I had to get a crown, back molar. Turns out I had a huge cavity that didn't show on the X-Ray and the tooth just gave way. I am lucky, they say, it didn't break down the middle. I am not a "good" patient, I sweat, almost jump out of my skin. I HATE THE DENTIST. In the middle of my "fix" the novacaine quit working, turns out I am hypersensative. Dentist numbed me again, almost my entire face was numb and my tounge didnt' work properly. I had warning to be careful, it might be sensative, and don't mess with the temp crown. For that much money, even with insurance, I hope it was made of gold! And after, well I put the liquid vicodine to good use!   So now two weeks later, I find I was eating mush and lots of cereal. Went back Saturday and he took the temp crown off. I was still embarrased from two weeks ago, so I didn't ask to be numbed up. The Dentist asked how I felt, and I told him it was a little sensative. He poked around a bit and then blew air onto the tooth. OH MY GOD - you would have though he was drilling. The pain was so bad. I took in a huge breath cried out and started sweating. The pain was throbing and I was wishing I could run away. I didn't move or breathe hoping air not moving over the tooth would make it better. IT DIDN'T!!! IT HURT LIKE HELL! So more numbing crap, another numb face, but not as bad and he was able to finish.   Went home and hit the VICODINE again. My face throbbed, my tooth hurt and it HURT. AFter the numbing was gone, I went straight to my comfort. CARBS - I ate a box of cereal yesterday. A whole fricking box. Now I didn't eat it all at once, but nibbled the rest of the day.   I woke up this am, swollen and retaining water. I felt like hell and I knew what it was, that fricken cereal. My tooth felt better, but I had a Carb Hangover.   Then I stepped on the scale. A week of self pitty had taken it's toll. The scale moved up a couple pounds. My worse nightmare. :wink2:   Well today I put a stop to the self pitty. I made a protien drink with Rice Milk, Egg White (did you know it was pasterized), Coco Powder (for baking) and Truvea - artificial sweetner. Now I found out, there is such a thing as too much Coco Powder, so I shall cut back next time, but all in all it wan't too bad.   I will not allow myself to go back. I will not do this to myself again!   Want to know the difference this time? It was only a couple pounds - not 10, 20 or 50. 2 or 3 and the breaks get set. More exercise and no more snacking on cereal. It wasn't the band that stopped me. It was me,   Maybe I am learning after all. I maybe a "slow" learner, but it is definately registering. Maybe I need a fill too, you know a little top off, but maybe the ghosts of the past are really in the past, where they belong.   So next time, STEP AWAY FROM THE CEREAL box, maybe I'll have some turkey instead. :cool2:
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

2
 

Plateaus - and life learned

The excitement of the pre-band life is long gone. All the hoops that had to be jumped through for the insurance companies. Then you have the "has my liver shrunk enough" issues. The pre-op tests, the dreaded "head shrinker" appointment and the liquid diet.   The after glow of the first weeks post op band have faded. We learned a new vocabulary - Mushies, PB, Sliming. We went through our stages and excitely shared the foods we were able to add.   And we learned. We learned to Never eat and drink at the same time. Cut into small pieces. Eat slowly. CHEW CHEW CHEW.   The scale began it's decline, maybe even hitting "uncharted water". Some lost fast, some lost slow. For me, getting under 200 was a celebration. I had not been under 200 in OVER 25 years.   Now, the scale appears to be STUCK. I know, I eat too much cereal, but when you cannot have dairy or milk products, it is a PAIN. I don't eat bread, rice, pasta, fried foods, refined sugar. I am as my daughter calls it, a MONOVORE. I can live off of the same 5 foods and be quite happy. So Tuna, Salmon, Green Beans, Peas, Applesauce-they have different flavors and oatmeal.   But I am happy - I may weigh 180 but I am happy. So as plateaus go, this one is okay with me. Maybe it is just the "non excitement" that makes it so nice. I like the quiet of now.   I still step on the scale expecting to see 280 instead of the 180. Sometime I wake in a cold sweat and that was my nightmare. But then I awaken to the clear daylight and I see it was all a bad dream. A dream to learn from, but as with all dreams, it fades.   I am happy.
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

3
 

Mirror Mirror on the wall........... The truth and nothing but the truth

There is nothing like the stark, naked truth. You and the mirror. Mortal enemy, always truthful, always brutal.   Today I purchased a swim suit. Someone told me to get a bikini. OMG - did they want everyone to run screaming from the pool? They do not realize what lurks beneath the safety of clothing.......... They don't know, and they never could even imagine.   The brutal truth is that as I am in a smaller total size, BUT - I still have all the skin that covered my 289 pound frame. I have skin that sags behind my knees, my ass in at my knees and my - please excuse me for being brutal, my boobs are as my Band Buddie told me in the begining - two wet tube socks hanging from my chest. I have no idea why, but all the fat is gone from my tush. There is nothing there, flat as a board, no wonder it hurts to sit on hard chairs. And as I have mentioned before I have "turkey flap arms". And since we are looking in the mirror lets not forget that lovely turkey neck. It started out just being wrinkled, now my cats could hide in the folds.............   The naked truth is that there is skin everywhere. It hangs and it wiggles and it jiggles, just like JELLO. If you took my butt and pulled all the skin tight you could make it to my shoulders, well almost.   "Just get a tummy tuck or a body lift", they, the thin never fat tell me. Yeah, just cut it off, lift it up and have seams running down your thighs, under arms and tummy. And let's not forget to mention the $20k price tag!   The honest truth is that I am at times so angry at myself for letting it (fat and overeating) get so out of control. How could I have done that to myself.   But then the stark truth, the light of day truth, the look how far you have come truth takes over. The real truth is that I am lucky to be alive.   So today when I tried on a size 14 swim suite and it was big in the tush, I went out and picked up that 12. IT FIT. DID YOU HEAR ME - IT FIT!!!!! And as I stood there looking in the mirror it dawned on me that the skin is my badge of honor. It is my proof that I have survived and overcame. It is me, all of me. It is the sneak eating of the past, it is the never being full, Being able to eat half a cow, and still eat some more. It is the high blood pressure and diabetes and heart attack. It is my ex husband telling my daughter that I was revulting and that he couldn't stand to look at me after 22 years.   That skin is proof that I am alive that I made it, that heart disease didn't kill me. That skin is proof that I can succeed, I CAN SUCCEED!!   So tomorrow as I put that suit on and walk to that pool I will jiggle in pride. My arms will flap, my thighs will woosh and everything will sway. But I made it. I may not be 135 pounds like Weight Watchers always said I had to be, but I can wear a normal size. And I am healthy!   When it comes time, I will stand up tall, walk into that pool at my Daughter's Condo, in front of all those strangers, and I will hold my head up high. I am beautiful, I am beautiful, I am beautiful. Maybe if I say it enough, I will truely believe.   Mirror mirror on the wall..............
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

5
 

Okay, so I cut the stings

I guess I wanted a relationship so badly with my Mom that I started to sacrafice myself, AGAIN. She even began telling me what I could eat or not eat, what I should wear and how I should cut my hair. She even said that I needed to do something with my midsection, it is really too big. HELLO, can you say excess skin!!!!! And for some reason my port sticks out. But I am okay with it, I really am. My hubby says, hey look how far you have come. The hanging skin doesn't bother him in the least. I am the same person he married, I weigh a lot less, but all the skin is still there.   Getting back to this, I didn't see her last Friday and I haven't spoken to her since Tuesday. It is as if a weight has been lifted. She would keep dragging me in deeper and deeper into her twisted world. She would tell me that my Dad was in bed with her last night. Then she would tell me how much she missed him and how she wished she was with him.   Now you should know my Mom is the center of her world, she has a habbit of making everything revolve around her. So is should be no surprise that she alienates those around her. My younger brother did not speak to her for year due to her abuse. My older brother lives up north and is far enough away to be "away from it all" Even still when she went up to visit with them she got upset because he suggested that she get involved, she get up and exercise or just do something. My brother really pissed her off when he said that she should go walking with me. And the topper was when he suggested that she also get the band. She has gained at least 50 pounds in the last 6 months. But she would rather complain than do something for herself. She will not go to a Senior center, she doesn't like all the old people and she will not get active. She sits on her couch and does nothing except complain about the faults of those around her.   So to say that I feel liberated is an understatement. Do I feel sorry that I have cut off ties, after all she is old and she is my Mother, NO - I do not.   My Mother told my Daughter that it was her fault that I was so heavy. She would look at my Daughter and say, you sure have large hips for someone your size. Daughter is 5'4" and 110 pounds. Very petite and a size 3. Mom is 5'3" and at least 250. She is pear shapped and I helped her get some capri. I had her try a 3x. I know what size I was and I know what size she is. They fit perfectly. She INFORMED me "chastized me" that I had given her the wrong size. She does not wear a 3x, so she returned them.   So all my life I could do nothing correctly. If I vaccumed the floor, it was not done correctly. If I cooked dinner, I had not done it correctly. If I washed the dishes, I did not do them correctly. So I grew up knowing I was a complete failure. It took two years of therapy to get myself back and then I threw it all away because I felt guilty that my Father had died.   Well no more. I guess I need to take a page from my brothers. She will be alone, but it is a lonelyness of her own making. She drove us away with her abuse.   What would you do if you mother told you when you were a very young child that she didn't want you, you can go live with your father, they were fighting. And of course there is the one that will stay in my mind forever - I wish you had never been born. I countered with - you should have had an abortion. Not the most adult, but a knife just the same.   So it seems you cannot swallow the past. You cannot go on from a point and ignore all the hurt and pain of the past. The source of the pain remains You didn't cure anything, you just burried your head in the sand.   My Mother is a cruel and mean person. She is manipulative and nacasistic (not sure of the spelling on that). She cares for only herself and will do things that put herself in the good light. She has both physically and mentally abused me, my brothers, my children, my grandchildren and worse of all my FATHER.   Now she will reap what she has sewn. I will not be a part of this madness any longer. I will spend my days in more productive ways, loving my husband, my children and my grandchildren. I am going to spend the time I was devoting to her to them. I think it will be time well spent.   This will be the last blog about her. I have spent enough time on this subject and it is time to more on.   Thank you for letting my feelings be vented through this forum.
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

4
 

How long do you take abuse before you just give up?

My Mother. I feel comfortable writing this because she doesn't have a computer. I do not like talking about people behind their backs, but this is mostly for me, from me.   My Mother is Mean and Self Centered. She always has been. No, I am not using this as a therapy couch, so I will just say that she is very Self Centered.   My Father died 3 1/2 years ago. Part of me died too. I hadn't talked to my mother in two years. While my Father was in the hospital I vowed to make up with my Mother. We didn't speak of the "fight" or the issues that caused us to not speak. We went forward, leaving the past in the past. I went over to her house every Friday, helped her around the house. I was the only child who helped her out. My closest brother hasn't spoken to her in a couple years now.   Well the past is never really in the past. Just like history the past will repeat itself. A leopard cannot change it's spots so to speak.   So from the moment of my father death I wanted to do what I thought he would want, reconcile with my Mother. She was after all, all I had left. At first I would not allow her to walk all over me. I would stand up and put her in her place. Then I started going back to my old ways, giving in to keep the peace.   My Mother's cruel streak reappeared, straight at my Daughter. My instincts kicked in. My Daughter was having her own drama, she worked, had a husband and a child, she goes to school part time and her Father In Law was terminally ill. He only had a few weeks to live. My Mother was upset that my Daughter did not drop what she was doing to return her calls. It didn't matter what else was going on, My Mother felt she came first. Even over a dying person.   Then came the "door bell" incident. My Son In Law installed it, I bought it. It was a birthday present. You would think she would be grateful and thank me but she was unhappy and made me miserable because she was unahppy with the buzzer location. Instead of nicely telling me or anyone she attacked me about it. So I went and moved the damn thing. That was the begging of June. End of June, Mother bought my daughter a tomato plant and an upside down growing thing. Now she told my Son In Law that it was for Daughter's Birthday, one week later. Son In Law took that it was a surprise. My Mother TOLD Son In Law that he had to take that damn plant out of his truck quickly, as soon as they got home.   That is the Saturday that Son In Law's Father took a turn for the worse. Daughter had to leave the party and go straight to her Father In Law's home. They were there until midnight.   Tuesday My Mother bitched at me that my Daughter had not "thanked her" for the plant. It was such a nagging and complaining, I called my Daughter. She knew nothing of the plant. She asked her Husband who was shocked, told her he was told it was a surprise, he had hidded it and kept it alive.   The next day I told my Mother about this. She went bullistic. I asked why she had to be so mean, they were going through a lot. Then she hit me with the YOU ALWAYS STICK UP FOR HER you never stick up for your son. And then came the final blow, she complained that they did not take the plant out of the truck as she had told them to. She was mad that they had gone straight to his dying father's house and had not gone home first to take that stupid plant out of the truck. She started bitching at me - So I hung up.   It has gotten worse from there. Father In Law died, a horrible, painful death. Son In Law was there anytime my Mother needed something done around her house. SHE NEVER CALLED TO OFFER HER CONDOLENCES AND SHE DID NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL.   We quit talking for those two years because of my Mother's self centeredness and cruelty.   And then my Brother calls, Mom cried how mean I am, no one loves her and she is all alone. I told Brother what had happed.   As long as I did and acted as my Mother wanted, all was fine. But as soon as I dared to question her, or ask her to be understanding to others, I was a bad daughter. The minute she was not the center of attention she had a fit.   Pop, I tried. I tried harder than I thought I could to honor your wishes. I cannot do this any longer. She has pushed everyone away with her pettiness. I cannot keep the peace any longer. I cannot tolerate her abuse any longer. I took her mental and physical abuse for years and now I choose to end this, for my own sanity. So Pop, I am sorry. I'm sorry I let the family down, I am sorry I let you down, I just can't do this any longer.   Pop I miss you more now than ever. I wish you were here to keep me safe. I love you Debbie   For the rest, I will never speak to my Mother again. I tried to do the right thing, but when doing something "hurts" so badly, it is time to stop. Yes, it is mean, but it is healthy, healthy for me. I guess my brother will now have to take his turn taking care of her, I just cannot do it any longer. The past cannot be ignored. She has done some very CRUEL things to many people and I guess now she is just going to have to live with her actions.
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

2
 

And the winner is...............

So those of you who might have read my last entry noticed I was having a HUGE problem with gas. Well, after switching to soy, cutting out all meat and taking stupid digestive enzymes that I got from GNC, the verdic is in. I had to go back to the Dr, the problem was getting worse. I was humilated and I couldn't stand myself. I prayed a lot at work and turned on my fan and took walks. Going to a store was always at a fast pace, stay ahead of the smell, exercising would just bring it on.   So I cried and spoke to my Dr who turns out to be a pretty nice person after all. After all these years of saying Yeah Yeah Yeah and then ignoring what he said, I actually listen and follow his directions. And it turns out he is pretty smart too.   I have developed food alergies. Turns out you can develope alergies at any time, any time. After 50+ years, I am now alergic to Milk and Milk product, good bye cheese and sugar free pudding. I am also alergic to Whey. That little gem is the major culpert. AND it turns out that 25% of those who are alergic to Whey are sensative to Soy. And did I mention that GNC almost killed me, those digestive enzymes they said I just had to take, had MILK in them.   So now no more milk, dairy, cheese, pudding or products with Whey. No protien drinks at all.   Now for the good news. Thank god for my Daughter. She suggested Rice Milk. I tried it, no way to drink it but in cereal it was pretty good. And chocolate was icky, but made with Cream of Wheat you almost had pudding.   Then I found something wonderful. I am so excited. Almond "Milk". Okay not milk, but it is wonderful. And the CHOCOLATE is heaven. I told my Dr I had to have CHOCOLATE every day. He had no problem with that. Funny he had a problem 100 pounds ago. The Chocolate Almond beverage tastes delicious. It is fantastic and you can drink it from a glass.   Gas, not totally gone, but I am no longer under investigation from the government for adding to global warming......   And remember my fear of not enought protien. Seems egg whites are my key. And last night I had a New York Steak and corn on the cob, no gas and I lost some weight.   So now here I am, almost a vegetarian, but it is okay. I still have my chocolate, and my Dr said it is okay to eat cereal for dinner. Oatmeal and Cream of Wheat are not the bad boys you might think they are. And making my fake pudding with Chocolate Almond "milk" and cream of wheat is an excellent treat.   I am down to 179 pounds this am. I have worked hard and I am proud of what I have done.   :confused3:
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

1
 

What do you mean - NO ANIMAL PROTIEN

WARNING - this is an embarrassing topic.   Okay, don't ask my why, but my stupid body went wacko. I mean totally freaked out. It all started when I noticed an unusual sensativity to milk and dairy products. I use to eat Sugar Free Pudding, Dark Chocolate and cheese. I started getting very serious lactose problem so I assumed I was lactose intollerant. So I switched to Lactaid Milk. Occassionally had pudding and cheese, but noticed that the symptoms were getting worse. So I cut out all Dairy except Lactaid Milk.   Then the sensativity got worse, and so did, do I dare say it, the gas! Soon every night was torture. I was so bloated I looked PG and it was not nice when nature took it's course. Weekends were spent trying to hide from my hubby. Eating had became torture and I started living on Cheerios and protien drink. I figured it had to be food so I started to avoid eating. I increased my protien drink, which was a whey product. I even got the bright idea to try eggs - WRONG!   Then my sweet understanding hubby told me to go to the Dr, THIS IS NOT NORMAL.   So, made my appointment and god love my Dr. He sat and talked to me and we spent half an hour together. Did I mention that the gas was real bad, call me Pepe Le Pue! Actually he might have run for cover. Embarrassing was not the word. Anyway, My Doctor told me that the odor and gas was from a sensativity to Protien, ANIMAL protien. Good Grief, who ever heard of such a thing. But I was desperate. I listened, actually listened. Before I would say YEAH YEAH YEAH and then do as I wanted, which was to eat EVERYTHING. But this time I listened and on the way home stopped at the store.   I purchased some Soy Protien Powder. I also purchased Soy Milk. Now I have to tell you. I have to have my chocolate. So I bought Chocolate Silk Light, Extra Vanilla Soy Milk and Chocolate Soy Protien Powder. What a difference. I still get a little gassy from the soy, but that is why they made beano. But the "skunk" is gone.   Or should I say was. Dr had also told me to eat more fish. Tonight was Salmon, and the "skunk" returned, but not as rabid as before. But I ate protien that was not vegetable. Funny I didn't realize that Tuna had caused me problems too.   I guess I am now a Vegiterian, but not by choice. Turns out your "gut" has bacteria and it can get out of wack. Mine went crazy. Maybe a veggie life will be good for me.   Soy Milk is not as bad as I had thought and the Chocolate is heaven. I will still continue one shake a day to make sure I am getting enough protien, but I guess I will be buying stock in Beano and eating more veggies, whole grains like Quinoa for my protiens.   I will still go back to the Dr and let him know that Fish hates me too. But for now, "It's a Soy Wold After All."
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

3
 

Family - can't live with them, can't live without them - yeah right!

Okay, I set myself up. I was arrogant and self serving. Pridefull and maybe a little too forthcoming.   My Mother wanted to see her Brother. Haven't seen them since my Father died three years ago. So, I told my Mom I would take her. After all, I have lost about 105 pounds and I wanted to "strut my stuff".   That was my first mistake.   So I dressed in my "thinnest" clothes, Lee Rider Jeans really do slim you! My Husband thought I looked so good, he took a picture. Okay - before I NEVER let anyone take my pictures. That is why I have so few before pics.   So dressed to kill, okay maybe not, but I felt GOOD. I went armed with before pics and Grandchildren Pics. I was ready.   I didn't start of saying "Look at me" or anything like that. Huggs and kisses all around, and comments at how good I looked. I never just start with the lap band, I have to be asked, and then I LOVE to talk. My Cousin and Uncle were more than happy to talk about what they had been doing and I listened intently. After all I felt good and I knew I was WAY thinner than they had last seen. Cousin, male, has lost 100 pounds, still needs to loose another 50 but still he is smaller than his teen and twenties. Uncle has lost MAJOR weight, but has had health problems. Aunt is heavy and poor health also.   So finally the moment arrived. Sitting next to Steven and Uncle Chester I am asked that all important question. So how did you do it? I open my mouth and proudly declare I HAVE THE LAP BAND. My moment of triump..............   And in unision, they must have practiced for years to get this, out comes - THE CHEATER'S DIET!   THE CHEATER'S DIET! THE CHEATER'S DIET!!! I was so hurt, pissed off, you name it. I took out my before pictures and said, THIS IS WHY I HAD TO GET THE BAND. I HAD A HEART ATTACK, DIDN'T KNOW IT AND I WAS GOING TO DIE.   I told them, I have worked my ass off to get here. It isn't cheating, the band doesn't make you loose weight, you have to do the work. It is a tool, it helps keep me honest, but it didn't do this all by itself. Could I have done it without it - NO, could have lost and gained like always, but honestly NO. I needed this tool - period.   So that's what you get for being arrogant and full of yourself.   But still, family is suppose to support you, right?!? Then other male cousin comes in, and I think OH MY GOD. And all of a sudden I realize, I was worried about what they thought!!! Everyone is 50 to 100 pounds overweight in their family if not more. Diabetis and Heart Trouble and no teeth abound.   Oh I made jokes, about still the same me, it has just moved around. We laughed at me while I made jokes about turkey arms and "old man butt". You know, still have my butt, it's just down at my knees. HA ha ha.   But in the end, my fault. I went in there expecting "congradulations" and job well done. No one can do that for me, except me.   I did this for me, for my health. And I have better health. I am not going to die from Diabetis or a Heart Attack. I am not going to suffer from sleep apnea and gastritis.   I don't think they knew how upset I was. I may not go back. I let it affect me and I should know better. It doesn't matter what others think of me. Even if I had only lost 10 pounds at least I would have lost some weight.   Remember, your health improves after just a 10% drop in weight. And what are you really in this for? Only you know. Personally I look at my saggy skin every day. Sometimes I am so angry that I allowed myself to get as heavy as I did. But then I rmember what Dr K said in the seminar. It wasn't my fault. It was a disease. And I am not cured, but I guess you could say I am in remission.   Who knows how much I will loose. Honestly I wouldn't mind if I stayed where I am now. I am normal for the first time in 30 years. NORMAL = good health. I'm not ready to die, I still have some living to do. It may not be as exciting as others, but it is my life, my one life. The band gave me time, time to live, time to see my children become the adults they were ment to be and watch my grandchildren grow.   I think I will start humming that song   When I grow up I want to be an old woman........
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

2
 

My how time flies.

It was a little over a year ago that I even heard the word "lap band". Oh I saw the commercials on TV where the woman said the band helped tame her Lion hunger into a kitty cat. Well I had the LION hunger and then some. I have said it many times, I could eat half a cow and still eat more. It is amazing the amount of food one can consume at one sitting. I would spend $5.00 on breakfast, $10.00 on lunch and then go pick up hambergers for dinner. And it was a super size fry, not that whimpy small size. Gallons of Diet Pepsi a day, I had the stomach to prove that it WILL eat your lining.   And then that fateful day. Timid I went to my Dr and laid my cards on the table. I was SO SCARED. But I had an HMO and did I go through the ringer. The first consult was a bust. The Dr had me in tears and I never mentioned the lap band again for months. My next visit my reg Dr asked how it went and I cried. I was so disappointed. But he sent me for a second opinion and that led me to a seminar where I found other people just like me.   And so the journey began. Oh there were hoops and fears and tears and more hoops. But in the end September 23 my life began again.   And now here I am. My highest was 105 pounds ago. Funny I lost 18 pounds due to IBS from being nervous about seeing the second Surgeon.   I have my ups and my downs. Right now I feel like I am going to burst. Another mistake to learn from. But my band keeps me honest.   I have learned a few lessons.   #1 it is VERY important to eat slow, small bites and CHEW CHEW CHEW. We are not makeing this part up. It is truely important.   #2 Stupidity is part of our learning. Funny I didn't get it the first time my Surgeon told me that when (not if) I get stuck do A B C. And then go back to liquids. Later he told me that is how we learn our limitations, by experience. So, we make mistakes, hopefully we learn before we do the same mistake for the 3rd time.   #3 You will have hanging skin. If you are over 100 pounds overwieght you will have hanging skin. But you will grow or should I say SHRINK to love it.   #4 Better health is right around the corner.   #5 Try on new clothes before you buy them.   Okay that last one is important. We as heavy people don't realize our true size. We think of ourselves as not as large and then when we loose, we think we are not as small. Well I am now a size 14 pant but an XL shirt. Seems I lost my tush and my tummy is going to stay forever. But that is okay too.   I never thought I would ever be a "normal" size. But I am.   And now for the emotional part - I took a picture with my Daughter. When I showed it to her she begun crying. She told me she never knew who she looked like before and now she knows. She looks like me. And through my tears I can tell you that is the most beautiful touching thing she could have ever said, because my daughter is BEAUTIFUL to me.   You know what? When I look at that picture I realize for the first time in 50 years, I am not ugly after all. I may not be beautiful and that is okay, but I am not ugly. Now that is a milestone.
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

7
 

How it really is

What is it that makes us view our bodies in such a distortion. Everytime I have lost significant weight I have always considered myself still fat. And when I was at my highest weight I didn't realize I looked so bloated and large.   I mean, it is stupid things. Like before I lost I would only look at myself from the chest up, like my huge butt and stomache wasn't really there. I actually thought those long loose tops hid the bulk of my body. Swollen legs and ankles, only look at your feet in the mornings and then they didn't exist.   Health concerns, no problem, they have a pill for that. High blood pressure, they have a pill for that. Except for me it was three pills. Diabetis, they have a pill for that too. Except the pills were not working and my sugar kept creaping up. Cholestrol, no big deal, I am still young and THEY HAVE A PILL FOR THAT. Heart Attack, they do bypass for that. Fatty Liver - okay now that made me stop and think. Liver transplants. Maybe I need to rethink.   No one tells you or maybe they did and I didn't listen, okay I know they did and I didn't listen, about what is going to happen a few years down the road if you continue at that weight. I thought I was young and I still had plently of time. Plenty of time to loose weight, plenty of time to start walking. Plenty of time left to get healthy. Bad things only happened to other people, I was fine. Now what was it that ex husband said, repulsed, disgusting.   New Hubby, accepted me fat, kind of like it was okay to be me. Okay to be fat, okay to be thin, okay to eat, okay to over eat or under eat. Never belittled me, sneak eating was a thing of the past. If I wanted it, I could finally sit in front of someone and enjoy it. Sneak eating lost it's hold. So maybe it would be okay, okay to change, okay to discover a new way.   And now, here I am. I have worked my butt off to loose what I have and I still have more to loose. How did it get this far? How heavy was heavy enough? How much time did I loose?   I try to look at myself different now. Try to acknowledge my progress and accept my body as it is. I know I can't go back in time, tell that stupid person that they would end up with saggy hanging skin. But this time I can be different. I can look, really look at me and see progress. Any progress is better than before.   Now, if I sit just right and look down at my thighs I see slimness. I cannot believe how much thinner they look. But then if I look at them from another angle I see all the hanging skin and they look quite large. I can look in the mirror and see the difference in my waist, in my arms, are there less dimples in my elbows?   Where I end up I don't know, but I'm in it for the long run. I know I will have hanging skin. But, at least there is less. Less stomach, less face, less neck and arms and don't forget the tush. But also, most important, I mean the MOST IMPORTANT, my health is better. When I think that I could have died from a heart attack or complications of diabetis.   The band gave me time. And since I will be around longer I think I will accept my body this time, for the first time in my entire life. I may have a hanging stomach and varicose veins, but I now have a strong heart and liver.   I think I will dance at my Grandson's wedding in twenty years.
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

5
 

Let's put it in perspective

Yesterday was the worse New Year's Eve I have ever experienced. My Sister-In-Law was just told by her Doctor that she has Lung Cancer. It is in her lungs, bronchi, trachea, esophagus, on her adrenal glads, in her lymph nodes and she has something on her liver. She also suffers from headaches, so now I wonder, is it there too? She goes for a biopsy next week.   So there I was, wrapped up in my own life, my husband's company just moved and he lost his job. At 50 and in this job market prospects are not that great. Sister-In-Law was sick, complained about a cough and headache. Said it was her sinuses. I even took her to the ER once. They gave her more meds than you would believe. Vicodine and cough syrup up the gazoo. And what did I do, I thought she was exaggerating to get attention and out of work. A drama queen, a princess.   And now I feel like crap. I went over to her house yesterday, swallowed my pride, and became the real person I know I am. I became compassionate, understanding, and took control. I read the report and tried to the best of my ability to explain all the "medical speak" and put it into terms she could understand while still giving hope. I told her today is the start of her new life, the past is the past. She was scared, who wouldn't be, and thought she was going to die. I saw my duty to give her hope, encouragement, but also to tell it to her straight. She has the fight of her life in front of her and she needs to be strong.   How could I have been so wrapped up in me to allow myself to become so bitter and uncaring? Where was my compassion before this? I am ashamed of myself.   Here I have lost all this weight, but I need to keep the authentic self I fought so hard to find. I need to count my blessings. I had a heart attack, but it was small and now that I have lost weight and my cholesterol is down, I am only going to get better. I am exercising and eating right. Pat on the other hand is looking at chemo, radiation or even death. How horrible, to know that cancer is raging through your entire body. How scared she must be. At least I have my family, my husband, mother and daughter. Pat only has us.   I need to find balance. I need to do for me, but I also need to be there for Pat. Somehow I think helping her will help me.   2008 - 59 pounds, who knows what 2009 will bring.
debbieperez55

debbieperez55

1
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