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Oh my god!!

Okay - I'm dying here and it is only the first day!!! Holy crap did I underestimate how hard this would be. It isn't just the hunger either - that is bad enough, but it is the physical act of chewing. I feel like I want to bite anything - and the idea of a salad or crunchy carrots is almost enough to make my eyes roll up in my head. I have problems - I mean, serious issues. I think I have to go buy some gum to try and ease the chewing thing. Plus, protein shakes and all suck. Seriously suck. I mean, even the few that taste all right, are just that - a drink that doesn't taste like butt. And just drinking stuff is wrong. Human beings are meant to EAT. This is unnatural. And wrong. I find my surgeon suspect. This isn't necessary - this is to satisfy my surgeon's sadistic streak. All right - I know that it is necessary and I know the surgeon is right, but still... this sucks. And I have ten more days.... I am going to go bite things - for my husband's sake I hope I find some gum. :biggrin:
clayverde

clayverde

5
 

I think I can, I think I can...

Well, it is day 4. I am still hungry, miserable, and have a growing hatred for Slimfast. I look forward to bed time each night because it means that I have made it through another day!!!   I find myself going over the list of approved liquids again and again, like this time maybe I'll find something on there I missed before. You know, like a steak. Or whatever. But no, the list remains the same and is only filled with crappy stuff.   Yesterday was really rough for me. I was all right in the am. I talked to my mom and was okay. But in the pm I just kept getting worse and worse. More hungry, more depressed, more upset until I started crying. Patrick tried to cheer me up, but as he doesn't have a liquid, no fat, no calorie, no carb cupcake, there wasn't much he could do besides hug me. Which is great. But not cheesecake.   So I calmed down. And then I got myself some chicken broth to heat up for dinner. I had gotten some garlic chicken broth thinking a little garlic flavor might shake things up a bit and normally I love garlic. So I open the can and I immediately gag a little at the strong smell of garlic. Hmm.. I strain out the chunks of actual garlic and heat up the broth. Still not smelling good. I sit and take a sip and I really gag. I put the spoon down and burst into tears. "I don't even like my BROTH!!" Patrick suggested a hot shower so I went into the shower and cried in there. But after a little bit, the warm water helped calm me down and then I cleaned up. When I got out I felt a little better. A little more in control.   But I was still starving, so I asked Pat to make me a shake of Slimfast and some ice for "dinner" because if I went into the kitchen, I knew that it would be all over. Patrick would find me a half an hour later sitting on the floor with pieces of food strewn all around me and my face covered with a look of absolute contentment. So, while that was tempting, I knew I had to be strong and asked Pat to make the shake. Which he did. And I drank it. And it still sucked.   When I went to bed, Patrick saw me smiling and asked why I was happy and I told him "because another day of this hell is over!"   And here I am again. Doing the same thing. Today is a bit better, but man this sucks. I find myself obsessively reading and posting on the boards here. I write the longest posts ever. But being on here and involved in the posts help me focus on other people's problems and distract me from my issues. Plus it helps me focus on why I am going through this.   Speaking of staying on track and keeping focus, the nurse from the hospital called today, Dave. I saw that it was the hospital and I have been reading so much about surgeries being canceled and all, that I got nervous. So I answered and he asked how I was and I said fine. The he said, "How are you REALLY? With the diet and all?" I laughed and told him that I was following the diet exactly and hadn't cheated or anything, but not to ask me if I was happy. He said that patients even a year later say that this pre-op diet was the hardest part of the entire experience. Then Dave asked if I had any other questions. Luckily, since we were on the phone I had the guts to ask the question (which I never would have if I was in the office) "What are the rules for after the surgery for .... sexual relations?" I could tell that he wanted to laugh but wouldn't because he didn't want to make me even more uncomfortable, but said that it was "as tolerated." He said that too early and too much friction could cause the little wounds to open up again, but other than that, it was fine. Although, I have to say for right now, regardless of how hot Pat is (and he is!), unless he is covered in chocolate and/or whipped cream, I'm just not interested. :biggrin:   Well, I am going to make my kids some lunch and try not to lick the deli ham juice off my fingers.....   Would that count as a liquid?
clayverde

clayverde

5
 

Doing great, but stretching the pouch???

All right, so now I am on the soft food stage. Which is fish, beans, bananas, soft veggies, etc. And that is freaking great. I love it. I feel like a normal person again. Add to that the fact that I am healing quickly and barely feel sore at all anymore! It adds up to feeling really great lately! Like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.   So what is the problem? Well, I guess that now that I feel better, I am able to actually think more about things other than food and pain - which means I am now WORRYING!   I am not hungry between meals. That alone is a miracle and I am so happy. But when I do eat, I feel like maybe I am eating too much. Which would stretch out my pouch. Which would defeat the whole purpose of the band. Which would make weight loss impossible and me a failure. I am eating what I should - I follow the rules of the nutritionist and actually am finding that eating the right things is very easy. I don't know if that is because I am just so grateful to have food, or if my tastes have changed due to what I can and can not tolerate, if it is a placebo effect, or maybe just a reflection of my commitment and desire to make this work. Regardless, eating the right stuff is easy. I was told to start with 1/4 of a cup of food and progress until I was satisfied. To be full, but be careful to not over fill my pouch and eat until stuffed or until I feel pain. And I am doing that. But I can easily eat about 1 cup to 2 cups of food before I feel full (depending on what I eat - soup is closer to 2 cups and beans, etc would be closer to 1). And I am not overdoing it or feeling pain or getting anything stuck, but it definitely feels like I shouldn't be eating this much.   Maybe I am just a worry wart..... I think I just want this to work so bad!   I realized today that I don't have another doctor's appointment and have no clue when I should be seeing the doctor again. I went to my one week follow up and everything was great. I left and nothing was mentioned about the next appointment one way or the other and I didn't think about it as I left. (Honestly, I had just gotten the go ahead to eat the full liquids and I was so excited to eat something other than broth that I raced out of the office to get home! Well, waddled slowly and painfully but in a purposeful manner!)   So, anyway, DUH! I guess tomorrow I will be calling the doctor and asking WTF? When do I get seen again, when do I get a fill, etc etc. That isn't a big deal because I was going to call tomorrow anyway to talk to the nutritionist and ask her about this whole thing with amounts to eat, etc.   Patrick was home for two weeks with me right after the surgery and it was wonderful. He is so often gone that having him here all the time was great. And with James on summer break and all - the whole family was here. I loved it. Patrick had to leave Monday to go to training but he is home on Friday, so it is no big deal. And I feel great, so it isn't a problem being alone with the kids. But I think that after two weeks at home with everyone here all the time, Patrick was more than ready to leave for that class and have some quiet time!!   Well, I rented a few girly movies and period movies (hey - not like monthly period but that IS kind of funny, I mean like corsets and gloves and terribly proper english) and I am enjoying watching a new one each night. Movies that Patrick hates. So far I have watched The Other Bolyen Girl (with Natalie Portman, who I love), Little Children (with Kate Winslet), Miss Potter (with Renee Zellweger about Beatrix Potter the author of Peter Rabbit), and Loves Enduring Promise (with pre-Grey's Anatomy Katherine Heigel). I rented all 4 (or however many) movies of that Hallmark series from Netflix for the time that Patrick was gone. YEAH! It's the simple things. Like beautiful dresses, gloves, tea, corsets, love affairs, and vanilla sugar free pudding with cool whip!
clayverde

clayverde

2
 

Acclimating......

Okay - maybe this is like getting into a hot tub. At first it feels really hot and you are thinking - hey, this is hot! No way do I want to actually sit in there! But as you get in slowly you realize it isn't that bad at all. And then it is great. Oh- well right there that blew that theory all to hell. No way is this liquid diet going to be great - EVER!!   But, I have seemed to reach a status quo. Not happy but not ready to bite my husbands head off and enjoy the meal. I don't know whether I just am resigned to the suckiness of this or what, but yesterday was easier than the day before by far. And today I woke up and had the nectar roadside lemonade protein powder and mixed it with a Crystal Light lemonade singles powder, water and ice and blended it and it was actually pretty good. Not as good as a lot of other things I could eat for breakfast but, well, I keep trying to avoid even thinking of food. It is like when you bite the inside of your cheek - it hurts and you don't want to touch it but you keep finding yourself touching it. Well I don't want to think about food at all, but you just can't help it.   Has anyone else noticed how many damn food and grocery and restaurant commercials there are on TV??? Arrgh! I can't even flip through a magazine - there are always pictures of food! Even in Entertainment Weekly!! So I have started to ONLY read books. And books that I don't think will mention food. Every time my mind starts to think about delicious food, I have to stop and distract myself.   Is this really only the third day??? Sigh.:biggrin:
clayverde

clayverde

2
 

The fill from HELL!!!!

Well, so much for posting once a week! :cursing:   I have gotten so busy with school and kids and my mother in law visited and all. Plus, I find that after losing 40 lbs!!! I have a lot more energy and so I'm more likely to get busy with things!   Anyway, I recently (a week ago) had another fill. And what an experience that was! Last time I almost passed out so this time I wanted my husband to go with me. At the last minute, the computers at his job crashed and he had to go in, so I was left going with me and Molly (who is 4) to my appointment.   We get there and talk to the Dr and she is very happy with my weight loss and all. She agrees that I would do well getting another fill. So she decides that I will get a fill of 3ccs. (I already have 6 in there) So I lay down and she numbs the area which burns a little but not bad. I am determined this time to not pass out - I figure I know what is coming and it's no big deal. Well she pokes and prods and pushes and she can NOT find the port. Finally she is pretty sure that she has found the port and sticks me. And it hurts. And then she goes to withdraw the fluid and it HURTS! So she tries again and again and at one point it slips down the side of the port. Man, it was NOT fun. Not agony, but really unpleasant. And I am feeling more and more lightheaded. Finally she quits and asks me if I want to try again. (I love this doctor and she is really great - last time she got it right away, but I was still pretty swollen, so...) I told her that the adult part of me was telling me to suck it up and try again - that I would be very annoyed later when I go home and didn't let her try again and now I have to wait for another month for an appointment and a fill. But the rest of me was screaming to not let her touch me again!! :cursing:   Finally after a few very cold washcloths on my forehead and neck and some sips of water, I am no longer about to pass out. (Molly was an angel and playing the entire time!) So the doctor suggests that we do this a different way, especially given my tendency to get so lightheaded. She said that I could go over to radiology and they would do the fill there with an x-ray so that they would definitely know where the port is. But then I have to have a few sips of the barium stuff so they can watch the fluid go down and make sure that it wasn't too tight. She asks if I want her to see if they can take me right now. Of course I want to tell her NO! but I said yes and of course they could!   Molly and I walk over there and they bring me right back. Of course Molly can't go in the room, but luckily it is set up that the xray room is very large and almost one wall is glass and on the other side is a small office with monitors to see the xray, etc. So Molly was able to sit in there on a swivel chair and watch me on the monitor or look through the glass and see me.   So the doctor and aide say hi. I lay down on a small gurney/table and they bring this huge thing with handles over my stomach and whatever and then double check that I'm not pregnant and take the xray. So right away they see the port on the monitor right next to the table. He preps everything and I studiously look at the opposite wall and ceiling, trying to count the tiny dots in the ceiling and hoping that Molly doesn't decide to run into the room to see what is going on. (She didn't! :cursing:)   So he sticks me with the numbing stuff (which you would think I wouldn't need because I already had some but it still hurt and burned, so either the other wore off or it was in the wrong place or whatever!) but not terrible. Then he puts the needle in and pulls it out a little and puts it in and then stops to xray while the needle is in to make very sure he is in the right place. The sensation doesn't hurt really, but it is a terrible feeling - the pulling and odd resistance of the port to the needle and then suddenly it's in and it feels like it should hurt - the whole thing is not painful but very odd. At least I'm not lightheaded, right? So finally he gets it in and puts in the 3 ccs.   Right away I KNEW it was way too tight. It was a terrible feeling. I don't know how to describe it - like a belt wrapped too tight around your tummy on the inside - I know that is silly because of course that is exactly what it is, but really this time I FELT it and it was not cool. But I take a sip of the barium stuff and another quick sip and immediately it burns the whole way down - like the reverse of heartburn. And then it felt like it was a small ball of burning at the very back of my throat. Like a small pea size of heartburn is just sitting in the very back of my throat and stuck there. It was terrible! I felt panicky and told the doctor "Get it out - get it out right now!!! That feels terrible!!" I don't even think I meant the fluid, I meant the needle, I meant get me out of here, make this crap stop!! Again, it wasn't agony, but it was so uncomfortable I felt like clawing my own stomach to get that damn band loose so that I could just swallow. So he immediately pulled out 1cc of fluid and said "Yeah, the barium didn't go down at all, that was way too tight."   As soon as that 1cc was out, I felt somewhat better and that ball of hearburn slid down to my stomach. But again, like heartburn, I could feel that terrible scorched throat feeling all the way down. I was a little nervous that it was the same problem but not as bad so it didn't feel as strong but maybe it was still backed up. Like I couldn't tell if the heartburn was gone and this was the residue effect or if the heartburn was still there but not as bad, so it just felt like it might be gone. Plus I kept thinking of Molly and being so nervous that she was going to touch things in there and break something or walk out here or wander out the door.... :clap:   So the doctor asks me if that is better and I told him I thought so but I wasn't really sure. He looked at the xray and said that it DID go down this time, but it still looked pretty tight to him. He asked me if I wanted him to leave it or take out a little more - maybe .5 ccs. I was nervous, part of me wanted him to leave it because I'd be more restricted and all, but finally I thought that I WAS losing weight this whole time and the point is not to starve yourself PLUS if it was still blocking up I was only going to be in pain and end up in the ER. So I ask him to take out another .5ccs so the fill was only 1.5ccs instead of the 3ccs originally ordered, if that was all right.   He laughed and said - hey you're driving here! You decide what you are comfortable with - we don't want you to end up in the ER later!! So he did that, I took some sips of the barium stuff again and it went down fine - it felt like normal. The doctor looked at the xray and said, it still looks pretty tight to me - are you sure? I said, yes this feels fine. He says, well, I guess the whole point IS to be tight, huh? Then he said he didn't get many of us (lapbanders) that often, but it was starting to be more and more as the surgery is getting more popular. He said that he thought finding the port was somewhat difficult with the xray - he couldn't imagine going in blind!! But he laughed and said that they did it all the time over there in the bariatric surgery ward, so they must have some pretty good skills!!   I got up and went into the room and there was Molly, sitting in the chair and chatting with FIVE different doctors - men and women - and charming them all!! Like flies to honey! So that was good at least! :cursing:   So we went home and I was very sore as the numbing stuff wore off. The whole area was bruised for a few days as they had physically poked and prodded so much and then done the same with the needle. But the fill felt good - not too tight.   Since then, I have not noticed a major difference in terms of what I can handle - I did finally try a wheat bread sandwich yesterday and it went down all right - but it was the tiniest bit painful, like a warning of what will come if I'm not careful!! But everything else is fine. I am less hungry, eating smaller portions and lasting longer, so it is working like it is supposed to.   But given that I am two months out and pretty much can eat whatever and have never had an issue with things really feeling too tight, never mind sliming or PBing or anything like that, I still sort of feel like maybe it isn't tight enough, or maybe I'm doing this wrong or whatever. I don't know, I can't be doing that badly because I have still been losing weight, but still. It is weird to read the boards and feel like I don't have any of the same problems - am I really just that lucky or am I not doing this right??? :cursing:   And, for the first time, I got on the scale the other night and noticed that my weight has gone UP one pound. It is only one pound, but it is the first time since the surgery that is hasn't actually gone down. But my mother in law visited and I started drinking tea with her and she kept making it with sugar instead of my splenda and I kept forgetting and I liked it better so... Plus I have gotten lax in my walking and exercising. So I know what my problem is and what I need to do to correct it. I mean, I haven't gone crazy blowing it or stretching the pouch or anything like that, but I know I am getting a little too complacent and I need to adjust that right quick!!   As a final note, I when you take the total weight I have to lose and break it down, and I have already lost 40 lbs as I said above, I have technically lost 1/4 of the total weight I have to lose. So, put another way, I have completed 1/4 of the journey to reaching my goal weight!! Pretty freakin' sweet!!!! :rolleyes2:   Go Claire!! :tt2:
clayverde

clayverde

2
 

Time Flies...

Wow - I never meant to let it get this long without another posting. Yet more evidence that the more weight you lose, the more you re-enter the real world and that thing called "a life" that you have been avoiding, which means you just get busier and busier!!   SOO.... I have been doing great. I have lost 62 lbs. now but I know that I have been slipping from the right path. One thing is my food choices. Not the greatest lately. Not terrible (I AM still losing weight) but not great - a few too many cookies here and there. And while it hasn't derailed my success (YET), it just shows me that I am getting complacent - lazy! So I need to get back on track.   The second thing I have been bad about is exercise. I basically haven't exercised at all since the start of winter. Given that it is now mid-February and that I live in MN, so winter began about September - that is a long time and, again, a bad habit. It has been so cold that walking outdoors wasn't an option. And I joined the YMCA with the intention of swimming (the only exercise I actually enjoy!) but it has ended up being a hassle to get the truck. We only have the one SUV and Pat uses it to go to work. Normally it isn't that big of a deal because we live so close to the base that I can take the truck anytime. But it means getting everyone up really early (about 5:30am) to bring Pat in and then come home. So I recently bought a treadmill on Craigslist for $50 (great deal!!) and I am excited. Imagine that - me excited about exercise!! But I am! I feel that I have already had a lot of success with my weight loss and can you imagine the results if I actually got off my butt and did some exercise?? Well, I can and I like it!! It will be nice to be able to go to the den downstairs and put my ipod on or watch TV while I walk and Molly can play, etc. So my exercise is now completely in my hands - no excuses about the truck or weather. And I am looking forward to the challenge. (Which is shocking to me that I even wrote that sentence!!)   The last thing that I am being bad about is going to the lapband doctor. I don't need a fill (I don't think so anyway. I am pretty happy where I am at. I already skip meals at times because I just forget and I'm not hungry. *I am NOT advocating that as a good idea!!* I'm just being honest. But I also feel that when I do eat, I can eat more than the one cup that I should be eating. But I am more concerned that if I get the fill any tighter, I might stop eating even more, which is obviously not healthy. So I think I'll stay where I am for now.) But what happened was I missed the first appointment because I flaked out. So I rescheduled and it was about a month later before they could get me in. So next thing you know, I freaking flake on that one too!! (I often ask myself if I am really an adult and so far, I can't answer myself!) So I was really disappointed in myself and embarrassed that I did that twice. So then I didn't want to call and make another appointment - I felt like I'd be scolded or they'll be mad at me. Which is ridiculous. They have so many patients they probably don't remember that I missed the dang appointments anyway. And even if they do - what are they going to do?? Make a comment and we all move on. But I have let it go on for so long now, that I really don't want to face them and have to admit how long since I've seen the doctor. (Hello?? Will Claire the adult please stand up??) This is childish and I know it, but I can't seem to get over the feeling like I've let them down and I don't want to show my face there. So I think I will call and schedule an appointment and make my husband go with me. He is really my rock - he is a no-BS type of guy and helps me overcome these types of issues and see how silly it really is.   So that is how I have been bad. BOO!!! :w00t:   Now onto the good stuff!! I have lost 62 lbs baby!! I used to wear a 26/28 and I am now in a 22/24!! I just bagged up the last of the too big clothes from my closet and with our tax return we got me some clothes. Which I loved. Not only shopping for smaller sizes, but the way clothes looked better on me, the fact that there are cuter clothes to choose from, that there is more variety to choose from, etc etc. So that was pretty awesome. My husband spent a fortune on lingerie for me!! Every pair of panties are adorable now (or sexy) and I even have some actual lingerie.   Which brings me to a side point that someone else mentioned and I figured I should talk about it. If sex is TMI for you, skip to the next paragraph!! Okay - sex is GREAT! I mean, I've always enjoyed sex, but for quite awhile before the surgery, I had NO sex drive. I just never felt like having sex. I still enjoyed it when I did have it, I just never felt much like having it. But now, it is so different! Not only do I have a normal sex drive, but the sex is better. Why? Well, for one thing, there are positions and stuff like that we can do now that we haven't been able to do in awhile. But now we can because I have lost so much weight. I don't know whether it is hormones or what, but the "grand finale" is much better too. Which of course makes me want sex more often, etc. So that is a great side effect of all of this - my husband thanks the surgeon every night!!   Back to the normal great stuff - in losing so much weight, I am beginning to literally and figuratively "find" myself. I am seeing parts of my body that I haven't seen in ages (not always a good thing, but the novelty is nice!). I am discovering my body and beginning to feel like we are friends again. For so long I felt like I battled my own body all the time - being sick all the time, all the problems and medications I was on, and the constant battle to lose weight with no results. But now I am beginning to feel like my body and I are working together and now that we are on the same side, I am beginning to actually be proud of my body - despite the imperfections. I feel like I earned those battle scars and that despite the abuse my body has endured, it is still here and we are on the right track now and my body is still going! I don't know how else to describe it. But I also am finding ME. The actual person and personality that has been smothered for so long under all that fat. I've begun to realize that I have a sense of style and individuality that is beginning to be reflected in my clothes - for so long it was all about the clothes that fit and would flatter as much as possible while still fitting in my budget. That doesn't really allow for style and personality. But now, I am discovering that I am pretty off beat. Maybe it is also a reaction to having to wear fat girl clothes for so long, which are often kind of older and dowdy, but I am really throwing that aside. I realized that I love the Rockabilly look (very old school, Bettie Page hair, pencil skirts, peep toe shoes, etc.) which I'm still not small enough to pull off, but I still like more edgy clothes and styles. I have begun to shop exclusively at Torrid. Now, there are a lot of clothes there that are not my style AND way too young for me, but there is a lot there that I really love. I am dressing younger and hipper. I painted my nails purple the other day!! Which, if you knew me, is pretty extreme. I was always so conservative. But I loved it. For my 32nd birthday in January, I got the top of my right ear pierced AND my nose pierced!! I have always wanted to get it done - I love the way it looks. But I always felt like I was too fat and too old. A mother of two who is 32 does NOT get her nose pierced. But when my husband found out that THAT was the reason I haven't done it, he was adamant that I was getting it done. That was my birthday present from him. He said, "Who says you are too old?? Who cares what anyone thinks?? You want to get it done, it would make you happy - what does anyone else's opinion matter??" It might be different if I worked at a very conservative job, but I don't!! I'm a stay at home mom and I'm going to college online for graphic design. My hubby said that my nose ring and new look are perfect for an "artsy" career. He said that looking young and being your own person and slightly unconventional will probably be a plus in my job field, when I get that far. So I am happy about that - I feel like I am developing my own style and learning all over again what I really like and what works for me.   Of course I am still busy with the kids - James is in third grade and he just had his 9th birthday party. Molly is about to start kindergarten in September (boo hoo!!:smile:) and her 5th birthday party is in a month, which I am still trying to get my butt in gear and finish planning everything for. (Get my butt in gear - are we sensing a theme here??) Patrick is frustrated at his job, but we are actually all really happy. Life for our entire family has steadily improved since I got this surgery. It has changed our lives in so many ways - many of them unexpected.   So, that is about it for now. As usual, I'll end with - I LOVE MY LAPBAND!! :tt2:
clayverde

clayverde

2
 

Here we go....

All right, here we go. I have gone through the whole process of appointments and paperwork and insurance. I am on day 1 of the liquid pre-op diet. I have 9 days of protein shakes and clear liquids and 1 day of only clear liquids and then SURGERY. Yesterday was my last day of normal food and all. And it hit me really hard yesterday what I am doing. I was very emotional for most of the day and in the afternoon I just cried for awhile. I realized that everything was about to change - big time. I felt like every McDonalds I passed or Taco Bell I saw just reminded me of everything I was giving up. I felt like time was up and I didn't get enough time to say goodbye to all the foods I'd never eat again. My husband pointed out that no where does it say I'll never again eat a cookie, but it didn't feel that way yesterday. And yesterday I bought some snacks, etc to eat and I didn't get to finish it or whatever. So now today I am currently watching my husband eat a Drumstick ice cream cone and I want to cry and kill him at the same time. I am so hungry. And I had a Carnation Instant Breakfast earlier and whatever. It didn't taste bad, but it smelled bad to me and I had to hold my breath when I took a sip. And then I still felt a little sick when I drank it - psychological I know but still, I felt like gagging. So I am about to sit down to my beef broth and just keep thinking that this is really freaking hard. And I am at the start. I have lots more of this.   Yesterday when I was crying to Patrick (my husband) I was telling him that this was scary and hard and it sucked that I had to give up so much. And he said that he thinks I have a very emotional relationship with food that I am not willing to acknowledge. I think he is full of it. I AM more emotional about food than he is - although he is very detached from food. He really doesn't care much about it at all. He eats leftovers COLD for lunch. He really has been hungary and eaten gross stuff (military) so he does not really care one way or the other. So I feel that he sees my attachment to food as way more of a serious issue than it actually is. Since he has NO attachment to food, he sees any attachment as unhealthy. Now, I'm not saying that I have a super healthy attachment to food or anything, but I truly feel that my weight issues have much more to do with other health issues (I have PCOS, thyroid problems, etc.) then all eating habits. Again, my eating habits have to change and I am going to do that, but I just don't feel that eating fast food three times a month is "eating that greasy, terrible food all the time" and him saying that is a bit of an exaggeration. Not that he is exaggerating - he really feels that we eat bad food all the time. And given that I am the only one who cooks, that basically means that I am always making terrible food for us. Which just isn't true. If it were, the rest of the family would be overweight and unhealthy, which they aren't. Anyway, I feel frustrated - I don't even know how to break it down further than that.   Another issue with this, is that it feels like it is really hard right now and I have no idea of my final goal. So, as my husband would say, it feels like it is all squeeze and no juice at this point. And because that end goal of me being thin and all that it entails is so surreal to me, I might as well be focusing on the idea that if I go through this now, in a year horses will fly. I have a much easier time going though hard stuff when I have a clear end goal. But that end goal is so unclear and fuzzy that it makes this part harder.   Finally, my family is thin - every single one. My husband is tall and slender as are both my children. (which is another indicator to me that my weight has less to do with what I eat and more to do with hormones, etc - given that I prepare everything that they eat and I only eat what they do.) So it feels like it just further drives home the idea that there is something WRONG with me that just isn't with them. They all can eat anything they want and as much as they want. I am jealous that I have to go through this to attain what they all have with no effort and no compromise. It isn't their fault and I wouldn't want anything else for my kids - god forbid they ever had to deal with this crap like I do - but it is still there, that little monster in my head that resents their ability to just eat and live and be healthy and thin when it is always such a difficult struggle for me.   Well, this is the start of my journey and they say the hardest part to a difficult journey is the first step. I am really feeling that right now. I am hungry and emotional and cranky and want to cry. Who cries and wants to scream at their family because they can't have a cookie? Maybe there is more wrong with my feelings about food than I want to admit - I just don't know anymore. Well, I am going to go eat my broth and try to ignore my rumbling stomach and not cry. We'll see how that goes. :biggrin:
clayverde

clayverde

1
 

Yeah!!!

Well, I am really beginning to feel like maybe I've got a handle on this whole LapBand thing! :w00t:   So, I have also gotten busy with getting back to a normal routine. I have some GI Bill benefits left from when I was in the Army NG and they will expire soon, so I decided to finally go back to school! I have enrolled in an online school (trying to go to a class on a campus is impossible!) and it is the Art Institute of Pittsburgh Online. I have chosen the Associates in Graphic Design. I hope to go beyond that and get my bachelors but I don't want to commit to something I can't afford! I am very excited and hope to start on the 21st - if all the financial aid things go well.   I had a follow up appointment with the doctor yesterday and had to bring both kids (James 8 and Molly 4). I wasn't concerned because it was really just a visit to make sure I was still doing okay. So when I go in I have to fill out a little survey about how I'm doing and what I eat, etc. And the doctor looks it over and she is very happy with the weight loss AND with the fact that I am staying full and not hungry for so long between meals. But she is concerned with the food portion sizes. She wants me to stay at 1 cup of food per meal. And I am well over that at each meal. But I'm not snacking or anything. So she talks to me about how I am in the hazy zone between the yellow and the green on where my band should be. So she decides she is going to give me a fill. RIGHT THEN!! I was pretty nervous and didn't see that coming at all!!!   So I lay down and she pushes around and finally finds the port and marks it with a marker (which I still can't get off!!). The she gives me a shot of Lidocaine to numb the area. Which burns like heck, but okay. Then she puts the needle in and draws out the 3ccs that they put in the band during surgery. Then she puts it back in along with an additional 3 ccs. It didn't hurt but the sensation was SO WEIRD!! :huh2: I didn't like it at all. And then I started to feel like I was going to pass out. I was all sweaty and my vision was getting black and everyone was starting to sound very far away. The doctor said it was okay because I was already lying down! I took some deep breaths and tried to calm down a little. That helped some, but I was still very sick and about to pass out. The she said that I had to sit up and sip some water to make sure that it would go down. With the needle STILL IN! :eek:   Luckily I didn't have to sit up on my own - the back of the bad lifted up to sit me up. So I was in an upright position and feeling even worse. But I dutifully sipped the water and tried to focus on whether the water was going down or not. I wasn't a hundred percent sure, but it didn't feel like it was sitting in the back of my throat, which is what the doctor kept asking, so I finally said it was fine - mainly just to get her to lay be back down and not pass out! Especially in front of my kids!!   The doctor was wonderful and she had stood between me and the kids while giving me a shot, so that if they HAD paid attention, they couldn't see anything but her back. Not that they noticed anything but the Nintendo DS and the Ben 10 video game.   So I was finally allowed to lay down and she took the needle out. She called the nurse and had her come in with a cold washcloth to put on my forehead. I felt like such an ass!! :frown: I wanted to get out of there so bad. I just kept thinking that once I got to my truck I could turn the A/C on full blast and put all the blowers on me and finally cool off and stop sweating!! The feeling backed off a little and I sat up on my own. It wasn't painful - just a twinge. The only real issue was my feeling faint. While I sat there, I sipped some more water and tried to take deep, calming breaths but it was only working so much - I couldn't get rid of the feeling entirely. Finally I stood up, I was so determined to get the hell out of there - the kids were starting to get restless and hungry (my appointment was at 1:40 and we didn't get home until 3:30!!) and I decided that I was just going to white knuckle through it and go home. But the nurse wasn't convinced and wanted me to take a few more minutes (gee, I guess they DO know what they are talking about!! :confused:) Finally she offered me some apple juice to try and get my blood sugar up. That is when I realized I had not eaten lunch! With my daughter's doctor appointment before mine and then mine, we left the house at 11:30 and we had a late breakfast. I just figured we'd have a later lunch when we got home at about 2 or 2:30. But that was not the case, and now I was super sick! I normally never have an issue with my blood sugar (I have super high insulin, but not high sugar so I never have to test it or anything) but I guess I just pushed it too far this time!   Three sips of the apple juice and I felt a million times better. Still a bit shaky, but the after effects kind of shaky - not the I might still fall right over shaky! So I finished the metal juice (apple juice from the metal can that makes it taste like metal juice) and felt well enough that I was allowed to go home.   So for 24 hours I was on full liquids again, which wasn't too bad. I was a little sore and off. I don't know how else to describe it. It doesn't really hurt and it doesn't feel too tight but I definitely feel SOMETHING different in the whole belly area. And my left shoulder started hurting really bad. Which was a real issue right after the surgery. Clearly there is a nerve or something located right near the stomach and the band that is touched when the band is adjusted or whatever that travels right up to the left shoulder. But it is the next day and I already feel better with no shoulder pain, so it is a small price to pay.   I had gotten used to swallowing pills whole and not having an issue, but I swallowed one whole last night and definitely felt a twinge. Again, not pain and not stuck, but a little flag went up and I took the message and cut up the rest. And I had to take it slower to take them all. I have quite a few meds to take and when you cut them in half - well, I can finish a propel taking sips with each one! And after the first few sips with pills, I felt that twinge again telling me that I was going too fast. So I slowed it down and did fine. I am able to eat less and feel full too, so obviously the fill was the ticket! :crying:   So I am excited to see the results after this fill. I have been so happy to see the steady decrease on the scale. Not to rub it in or be annoying, but I have found that every time I get on the scale, my weight has gone down by at least a pound. So I am a total of 30 lbs down from the start of this whole process!! :laugh: About half of that was from the pre-op diet, but it still counts! Pounds lost are pounds lost!! I can't wait until I can really see more of a difference in both my clothes and my face. You'd think after 30 lbs you'd see something, but I haven't. I AM going to start taking monthly pictures though so I can really see the progress. Maybe I'll start including them with the blog. Hmm.....   Anyway, while it was too long, I have told you the whole story, but now let me sum up:   I LOVE MY LAPBAND!!! :tt1:
clayverde

clayverde

1
 

Yeah!!!!

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted anything, so let me sum up...   The last few days of the liquid diet were hell. It was so hard. I wanted to cheat so bad. I finally had decided that I was going to cheat and eat a big lunch at McDonalds on Saturday. Then I'd have the rest of Sat to digest and Sunday was all clear liquids and Monday am was the surgery. Well I told my mom, who then told my dad, who then called me and raised hell. He used to be an EMT and all and proceeded to tell me all the dirty details of why it was important there was NO food in my stomach or intestines and what could happen and blah blah and made me promise him not to cheat. So I did promise and I did not cheat - but man, it was hard!!!   So I muddled through and then it seemed like time sped up because next thing I knew it was Sunday night and my surgery was the next morning. I spent Sunday gardening and all, because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it for awhile after the surgery and wanted as done as possible. When I weighed myself that night, I had lost a total of 18 lbs!!!   I barely slept at all Sunday night and eventually Monday morning 5:30am came around. I took a shower, got dressed in comfie clothes and we left for the hospital. Patrick and the kids dropped me off and I checked in. So I did the paperwork, got my bracelet and was directed to the surgical ward. There I got some blood drawn and then went to a little curtained area and stripped down. I put on the little hospital sockies with grips on the bottoms, a johnny with opening in the back, a "robe" opening in the front, and a blue hair net thing. Then I laid down on the gurney and waited. I talked to nurse after nurse after doctor as they asked questions (allergies? meds? family history? etc.) introduced themselves, explained what was going on, etc. I had someone come in and prick my finger for blood sugar, which was normal. Then the lady came in and put in the IV, which I was pretty stressed about. One nurse had come by earlier and wrapped my left hand (non-dominant hand) in a warm blanket and left it there for awhile, which was apparently to help with the IV. Then the IV tech came by and unwrapped the hand, then gave me a local shot of lidocaine, to help the IV placement hurt less. The lidocaine burned, BUT it was over pretty quickly and then the IV didn't hurt much at all, which made the whole experience MUCH better than normal - I HATE getting IVs done.   Then I had to wait some more and I nodded off (did I already mention I hadn't slept at all the night before??) and then I got woken up to meet the anesthesiologist. The two guys who were doing that job looked like my younger brother!! And I am only 31, so that was weird - they were so young!! Anyway, they were very nice and described what would happen, etc. Next thing I know, it is time to go to surgery. The Hardy boys wheel me down to the OR room and I am definitely starting to feel panicked. The nurse in the OR introduces herself and she is named Molly, which is my daughter's name. They put the gurney right next to the surgery gurney and have me scootch over. The surgery gurney feels way to small and narrow. Then they unfold these arm tray things for my arms to rest on, so it now looks like I am doing the M part of YMCA, but lying down. Then they strap down my legs with a velcro strap and the same with my arms. While it didn't hurt at all and the straps were pretty loose, that is about when I began to panic more and I could tell my eyes were rolling around in my head like a terrified horse!! They had given me some anti-anxiety meds in the IV right after I got to the OR but I wasn't feeling them yet and beginning to worry that they wouldn't work on me or something. The first Hardy boy had explained that the meds would not only relieve the anxiety, they make you forget what is happening, so later you have no memory of this. I had a oxygen thing on my face and he was telling me to take deep breaths and I was getting more and more nervous. He asked me if I was all right and I felt tears building up in my eyes and then suddenly, like a light switch, I relaxed. And then thirty seconds later, I was out.   I woke up in the recovery area where the nurse kept telling me to wake up. I woke up pretty quickly and the nurse was great. She told me that she was so excited for me - that this surgery has great results, that recovery was normally pretty quick and I was so young that I had a lot of time to enjoy the results.   Then I was moved to my room. I was lucky enough to have a private room, which was great. I started out with ice chips, which were great, but didn't ease the terrible dry mouth and sore throat I had. (I didn't remember the tube being taken out, so that is good.) Pretty quickly I was able to move to water, which was better. I was sore, but the pain meds worked wonders.   Eventually that day I was switched to oral, liquid pain meds. They had me on Percocet first, but I really didn't like that at all. It made me feel drugged but didn't help the pain at all. Then they switched me to vicodin, which worked much better. After awhile they wanted me to sit in the chair, and helped me out of bed. That hurt, but I felt all right when I stood up, and then I almost passed out. I sat down and relaxed and felt better pretty quickly. They wanted me to get up and walk eventually, so after a little bit of relaxing and phone calls to family, I called the nurse to tell her I was ready to walk.   We walked down the hall and she asked what I wanted to do then, and I wanted to walk some more. With the pain of the surgery controlled, the walking actually helped relieve some of the tightness I felt in the belly, which is the air they pump into your stomach for the surgery. I ended up walking all around the floor and through the children's ward and back to my room. The nurse was very happy and said that many people they have to beg just to get them to walk three rooms down and if they get to the end of the hall, it is great. So they were very happy with my stroll and so was I. I made it back to the room and sat down in the chair. I was allowed to have apple juice and it was heaven. I just sipped it until it was gone. Then I chewed the ice and then I asked for more. As long as I wasn't guzzling it, they were fine with it and kept giving it to me.   Eventually I was pretty tired and sore and went to bed. They woke me up every fifteen minutes it seemed like!! I was so tired and I felt like they were always waking me up. Plus the night nurse was a talker, so she kept trying to chat with me!   Eventually it was early morning and they took me to xray. I had to stand on this thing that looked like a dolly (like to help pick up boxes) and then it leans back and puts you in the lying down position. They took some pictures, etc. Then they leaned me up back to standing. I had to take a few sips of this clear and horrible tasting stuff while they took pictures. Then I had to take a few sips of this thick, white, yogurt like stuff that faintly tasted like strawberry - I didn't like it but it wasn't as bad as the first stuff. They took more pictures. Then I had to stand there and wait for ten minutes and then they took a few more pictures and I was done - everything looked great.   Back in my room I relaxed a little and then they began the process of checking me out. They took the IV out, took the dressings on the wounds off, and brought me the paperwork to sign, etc. I got changed back into the clothes I wore to the hospital and next thing you know, my husband and kids were there to pick me up. I left the hospital at about 11am on Tuesday.   So that was the entire surgery. It really wasn't bad at all. Since then I have been pretty sore, but the worst is the gas. I have really bad gas that I just can't get out! Which is gross in itself, but the pain is much worse! The actual pain and soreness of the surgery isn't bad and is managed well with the vicodin they sent home, but the gas pain is the thing I am struggling with right now.   I have no problems with the clear liquids. While there are a few times that food sounds good or smells good, the idea of actually eating does NOT seem enticing. So sticking to the diet right now is really easy. If I can just get rid of this gas, I'll feel so much better.   I have taken a walk yesterday, which took a lot out of me but was good for me and not as bad as I thought it might be. Getting up and down on the the couch is difficult, but I have a really strong husband to help with that. I took a shower today which was fine and felt very good. I am sleeping a lot more than usual, which is to be expected after surgery.   So, everyday I feel a little better and have had no major problems. The only real problem is the gas pains. So if I can get through that - I'll be fine!!:smile:   As more happens, I'll write more. But for now, I am going to hide out in the bathroom and try to get rid of the gas!:sad:
clayverde

clayverde

1
 

Just keep on keeping on....

I am trying really hard to add a new entry to my blog every week or about a week between, but they have been getting just a little further apart each time! I am slipping....   It is really late right now and I am very tired, so this will be a short one, which will probably be pleasantly refreshing from my normal blog entries that look like War and Peace. (I know that is the gold standard as an example of a huge novel with tons of pages, but has anyone actually read the thing? I don't think I know anyone who has, including myself. Maybe that says more about the caliber of who I hang out with than about how many people have really read the book!   Anyway, I have started my first class with the Art Institute online and I'm thrilled. I love school and always have and I am so excited to go back. PLUS because it is online I don't have to feel self concious because of my age, I don't have to sit in a room of 18 year old hard bodies, heck, I don't have to even wear pants!! (Sorry about that mental image! :eek:)   I really love the freedom to log on, read some stuff, post something here and there, and log off. Have an unexpected moment of quiet? (yeah right) Just hop back online and get more homework done. I just love it. Of course I tend to be VERY chatty and I am constantly responding to every person's posts. All the time. I am afraid that I am becoming THAT person and very annoying, but then again, I am really making suggestions or giving kudos for great ideas or whatever. I decided that I don't care - if I'm annoying someone oh well. they can just skip my post - they don't even have to actually listen to me! Plus, I don't have to see these people, so I don't have to care if they like me or not. Not that I want them to hate me, but I'm not as obsessed about not wanting to ever hurt someone's feelings or make sure that everyone likes me the same way that I do if I am actually in the room with them.   I can't wait to be done with this class (Strategies for online learning) and get onto the "real" art classes. I am so excited. As soon as my GI Bill kicks in and I start getting that money, I can start getting some of my art supplies that I'll need for my next classes. YEAH!   Right after the last fill, I felt like while it was doing a good job and not letting me eat more than one cup at a meal, I was starving again 2 hours later. There was no way I was lasting 4 hours. Now I seem to be settling out and it is lasting longer. But I do have to say that while I only eat one cup and I am not really hungry when I'm done, I'm not really full either. And I do mean comfortably full. so I think I need a little bit more of a fill eventually but I'm still really doing well. I am at 6ccs of a 10 cc band and it seems weird that I am so full and have so little room left and I'm still not at THE spot. But I do think I am really close, so I might only need a small fill next time and then be right where I should be. I am a little nervous about it thought - I only have 4ccs of room left. What if I max out and I am still not where I should be - still hungry or whatever?:w00t:   But I have decided that there is no point borrowing trouble. IF that should happen, I can worry about it then - and discuss it with my dr. Until then, I am making more of an effort to relax a little - calm down and not stress at every little twinge, every ache, every bite, every number on the scale. Given that obsessing is part of my DNA, this is harder than it seems! But I'm going to give it hell...:tt2:
clayverde

clayverde

1
 

Keep on keeping on

Well, I am 8 days post op and I am a bundle of mixed feelings. I am still somewhat sore, but not bad. Getting up and down are the worst part. Or yawning and sneezing. But sometimes I have been having a terrible sharp pain, like a stitch, in my side and my shoulder. It hurts so bad. Then I have to use the Vicodin. But it is happening less and less, which is really good.   I am having a very hard time telling what the heck is going on in my stomach. Is it gas? Am I hungry? Am I full? What the hell? Right now, I can drink fluids pretty much as much as I want and not feel full. It seems like it is just sliding right through. Which is all right - I'm not really hungry. I eat more on a schedule because I know it is time to eat more or have more fluids or whatever. But when I DO eat or drink, I have no idea what full is yet. Which worries me a little.   I have moved on to full liquids which is wonderful. I am so happy. I love Cream of Mushroom soup anyway, so this is really good. I was going to scream if I had to eat one more bowl of broth. But I have realized that soup, even the thicker cream of mushroom soup, is really just another liquid, which means I can eat the entire can of soup in one sitting and not feel full or anything. I don't know.... I am hoping that as I eat more solid things, and as I heal more, it will all become obvious.   TMI for many people - but something that might be important for many .... I think I am getting a yeast infection. It is the beginning stages and it may resolve itself which is what I am hoping for. I think it is a result of the antibiotics that I got in the hospital. Just one more bag of fun to add to the bag.   I am having issues of being tired but not really, but wanting to nap but not really. I am really tired right now. It seems to come and go in waves. And sometimes by the time I am able to finish up what I am doing and actually take one, I am not tired anymore. Then later I have a wave of tired again and I wish I had taken a nap earlier! But I am also restless, so even when I am tired and want to take a nap, I often can't quite settle enough to really sleep and all. I don't know what my problem is! I'm sure it is a matter of calories (eating so little means little calories means less energy) and just recovering from the surgery. I am feeling pretty good and I think I am often suffering from completely unrealistic expectations of how I should be feeling and what I should be able to do by now. I can't wait until I am further out and eating more normally, feeling more normally and able to do the things that I normally do. I especially hate the lack of cuddle time! I cuddle with my two kids and husband all the time. Hugs, snuggles, couch cuddle time, everything - I am one who lets the kids climb all over me and love every minute of it. So this is hard right now and I feel a little isolated at times. I let Molly lie on top of my side against the couch, so she wasn't on the incisions or anything and she almost fell asleep there and it was nirvana. :frown:   SIGH.....
clayverde

clayverde

1
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