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So this thing called Courage...

Before you read this I don't mean to offend anyone:redface:. This is kind of a reference point for me because there will be many times during my process where I start to doubt why I did this:confused:. I want to be able to read this and go..."oh yeah dork thats why! Now get back to the bandster way of life:scared2:!!" Right now I am in the beginning stages. I don't have a surgery date yet and the information that follows is based on observation and personal opinion (notice I didn't say experience lol)....here goes...... So I have been gathering information from several different sites lately. I read blogs and comments and information from different folks. Everyone sounds so positive but as you read into their journey, they start to get negative. Whether they are at the start of the journey or a bandster. What I can't figure out is where the courage went. Each of us has made a very important decision. Whether it is paid for out of pocket or by insurance, we still made the decision. You evaluated your life and determined that you are worth more than a piece of cake or pizza. You are worth more than the doubt that you are starting to feel. Remember how courageous you were when you started this? Remember that feeling of elation when you woke up knowing that you are in control of yourself? I wake up everyday thanking God for blessing me and my family/friends with another day on this earth. I now have added thank you for the courage to go through with this change in my life. COURAGE COURAGE COURAGE I read about folks who are sabbotaging themselves subconsciously. I say that because they say..."I know I am doing wrong, I know I shouldn't eat this"...but they eat it anyway. I read in another forum where someone was a few wks out and was eating buttered toast and macaroni salad and ate all day long. They also found a way to cheat around the "no carbonation" thing...just let the soda get flat. In my opinion if I go through all the crap of getting approved-the numerous Drs appointments, the xrays, the EKGs, the bloodwork, the sleep study/s. If I go through all that then am I am going to be harder on myself than I need to?? Damn right!! I am lazy and I don't wanna do all this, but I am making myself because laziness got me here! Laziness is a lover that catered to my every whim, did whatever I wanted and accepted me unconditionally! Laziness is a lover I need to let go! I weigh 361lbs right now! I don't go swimming, I won't dance when we go out (even though I love dancing), I now have anxiety, my vision has changed, my knees hurt, we are having a hard time conceiving..endless list. So am I going to eat macaroni or soda or butter laden noodles? I certainly hope not! I am not going to test my limits to see what I can get away with eating before I vomit:eek:! Gross why would I want to do that?! I have started to work on my future life style so I can get used to it(in a sense). I cut out sodas, I cut out sugars from sweets, I am working on cutting out sugars from breads and pastas. I cut out cooking with oils and have started to chew my food to a mush (my tongue and jaws are sore lol) But I have to make an honest effort! I have to lose this weight or I lose everything. You can't have life if you are dead. Cold hard fact. Remain fat and die fat. Geesh! I even get emabarrased thinking..if I died right now God help the pall bearers!!...funny but heartbreaking because even in death I fight the fat. One day, Cherylita, you will look back on this and say...really? that was me? Thats how I used to think? I hope this didn't offend anyone...if anyone actually reads my ramblings but I need this out there because I know I will need a good kick in the butt at one point! Thanks for letting me ramble. Cherylita:w00t:
Cherylita

Cherylita

4
 

So I went for my Cardiac ECG Treadmill Test

OMG! I thought I was going to die!!:biggrin: They started by taking my blood pressure then hooking up the electrodes. The nurse asked me to get on the treadmill and told me that every 3 minutes the speed would increase and the incline would raise. The first 3mins were good. I was walking and breathing. Then the first incline change and speed increase I was doing ok, no chest pains or anything..just muscles that hadn't been used in a while getting all heated up. I was okay. My target heartrate was 158. I would walk and glance at the heart rate monitor. I was struggling and asked to rest. The nurse told me if I stop thats the end of the test. I looked at the monitor and it said 130. I told her-breathing or panting heavily- No don't wanna stop...at this point it was will and the thought of my family and healthier me pushing me to finish!! Then came the last round...Increase the incline and speed up to practically running...I tried as hard as I could but couldn't do it. I had to ask to stop..so we cooled down and stopped. I stepped off the treadmill and sat down. Disappointed, I asked what my final # was...the nurse answered 165. 165?! I did it!! I passed their target goal!!! I felt so good about this and pushing myself not to stop at 130 like I wanted. Now I just have to see if the Dr clears me. I felt okay but who knows what the ECG showed. So now it's just a waiting game. I still have the sleep study and nutrition and psych eval but they are scheduled for July 2.
Cherylita

Cherylita

2
 

Ready? Set. GO!-kind of lengthy-

Well, after all this time of waiting, I am finally scheduled! The longest part was trying to get my weight history from the last 5yrs. Fortunately I was never a sickly person but then that means that I don't have history from anything within the last 5yrs either...well, except for 2007 and this year. So, I had to write a letter to my insurance company instead. Luckily I was blessed with a little bit of writing skills. I had been 2nd guessing my decision because I kept thinking..ya know if it's just eating small portions and exercise, well, hell I can do that on my own! I don't need this surgery-LapBand is the easy way out. So this mentality took over in about June-when I stopped my pre-lapband work ups-So I tried it. I watched what I ate and exercised a little. It was going great for about ohhhhh...3days. Then I decided I don't need to diet, I am fine being me! Then my husband asked me to go to the waterpark with him. I made up some lame excuse about not feeling well and he went with his family and without me. I stayed home and cried. What have I let myself become? I didn't go out anymore. We hadn't been on a date in forever. I am so paranoid that people are watching me wondering how much I weigh or what I am going to eat. My hubby thinks I am beautiful but I look at myself and all I see is my double chins, big arms and huge stomach. My hubby and I sat down and talked about it all. My weight, my health, our relationship and our future. After he has seen me struggle through the ups and downs of dieting he finally said that he wants me to be with him for a long time and to do that, I need to be healthy. My OB/GYN also said she wouldn't even talk to us about having kids because I am too overweight. This time when I considered surgery, I looked at this with a different mindset and realized this is NOT the 'easy' way out. I had tried to lose weight on my own and I am good for a couple of days and at most a couple of weeks, but I needed help. I needed something that would make me learn to eat properly and watch my portion sizes. I needed a guide. So, I decided to proceed with the process. Alot of it fell into place and moved right along and alot of factors played into my decision to go ahead with the surgery. When I had to write the letter, I prayed. I believe in prayer and that God answers prayer. Some people choose to believe different things, but I believe in God. The day I mailed off the letter I told God it is all in his hands. I asked that he would help me accept the response, whatever it was. A few weeks later I received the authorization and am scheduled for Surgery on Dec 31st. New Year, New Me! I know this was God's helping hand. I know that this is going to help me to control that which I am not strong enough to. I have read about being 'stuck' and pbing, erosion, slippage, people who the band didn't work for or who didn't work with the band. I have read it all and then some. But if I let myself keep believing that I can change on my own, I am just fooling myself and ruining my future. I am 35 and weigh 365lbs all because I keep telling myself...I can change whenever I want. If I could...don't you think I would have by now? Maybe there are those people out there who can lose the weight on their own and keep it off, but I am not one of those people. I need help and this is how I am going to get it. I have read about people being scared of death during surgery or because of surgery. I am no different. But I would rather die trying to help myself than to die because I never tried. Well thats my story for now. I will let ya know how surgery went.   If you are reading this and thinking about the band. Make sure you weigh all your options, be ready to work hard on your lifestyle change and have a good support system (family, friends, spouse, anyone you chose). This isn't just another diet you can give up on if you want -this is surgery, expensive and invasive-you've already done the yo-yo dieting or you wouldn't be here reading blogs and researching lapband. Just be confident in your decision and trust yourself. Good luck on your journey Cheryl
Cherylita

Cherylita

2
 

mind altering

The other night my mom brought home fried chicken (Church's), fries, mashed potatoes w/gravy and those yummy biscuits. This was day 3 post-op. I was so angry and sad at the same time. Anger because "How dare they (family) do something like that!!" Sad because it was at that point I realized I can never satisfy myself with food again. No more shoving chicken, chicken tenders, pizza, steak, huge salads, sandwiches, potato chips, anything down my throat again. I suddenly realized that this band isn't something I can just give up because I am "tired of doing it". I really second guessed what I had done. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!?! I thought about this and thought about this. Even into the next day when I was making breakfast for my family (bacon and eggs). It took me a while to get over the loss of Food. It wasn't until late Sunday that it hit me. My anger and sadness wasn't because I was leaving food. Actualy, It wasn't anger or sadness at all. It was a tantrum because I couldn't have as much as I wanted. I couldn't eat 3 or 4 slices of pizza and have 2-3 pieces of chicken, etc because it is available and I want it. I couldn't be home by myself from work and munch in private on anything I wanted. I couldn't gulp down a drink because I am thirsty. I couldn't do what I had been doing all of my life!:confused:   Once I came to that realization, I came to this one....I can still enjoy food. I can still try things. I just can't go crazy. I just can't have the same portion size that the old cheryl would have. This is all going to be much larger of a change than I had anticipated. I didn't realize how much I loved food in large quantities. Now I am focused on size in a different way. I am focused on portion size and will have that nickel that the patient advocate at True Results suggested. She said "take a nickel with you wherever you go. When you sit down to eat, place the nickel above your plate. This serves as a reminder that that is the size of bite you can take." At the time, that didn't make any sense to me, but today it makes total sense. That and take time to enjoy my meal. Savor the flavor instead of inhale the plate. Though I am just entering my mushy phase I am retraining my old self to a new way of thinking. I thought I would share this with ya and get it out of my head an into cyberspace. Cheryl
Cherylita

Cherylita

6
 

it's been a while...84lbs down!

So I have been up and down and filled and filled and filled! I am now at 11 in my 14cc band. I finally have some good restriction. I haven't lost as much as some but I am okay with my loss so far. When I lose my next 22lbs I will be out of the 300s so I am excited about that! It hasn't been easy, at least not as much as I thought it would be. Get a band that monitors me so I don't have to...WRONGO! It's alot of work and emotion. I fight all the time! I noticed the other day though that I am automatically serving myself smaller portions and being full on less. Before it was something I had to force myself to do. I am still having a problem letting go of a mini kit kat or butterfinger. Doesn't sound like much, but telling a foodie to have just a little is like telling an alcoholic just a little drop won't hurt! It's hard! When people find out I used to weigh 404lbs and now I am down to 320 they are wow'd! If only they knew what a big accomplishment that really was...what a struggle it remains. If a foodie loses 1lb it's a big deal! I see so many ppl on here discouraged that they are only down 5lbs or 50lbs but SNAP OUT OF IT!! any amount less than you were is a big deal! So we all fall off the wagon. The important thing to realize is that doesn't make us bad people, it makes us human! We absolutley have to see it as a mis-step and get back on track. don't use it as a reason to give up.."well it happened so I am not gonna try"...No! spin it! It happened so now I know I am capable of mistakes which means I have to try harder the next time not to do the same thing! The hardest thing I struggle with is not eating everything on my plate. I quit eating out(fast food) because it's a waist of money. I still go out to dinner with my family and I just have to watch what I order and eat. It's constant but like anything else, I take it one day, 1 decision at a time. It has to be that way, that's how it works for me... Cheryl
Cherylita

Cherylita

3
 

Finally in Bandland

Well New year's Eve came and went and by NYDay I was banded. I stayed overnight due to insurance requirements and left by 10am. The surgery was, uneventful, thank God. I was actually worried about my liver being to fatty because I didn't exactly follow the pre-op atkins diet my Dr put me on. But he actually said I had a skinny liver with no fat. my mom said I said...there really is a skinny person inside trying to get out. lol. I was still under anesthesia. She said it cracked her up. I remember all the preop stuff and about an hr after I got there they gave me something in my IV and I told my hubby I loved him and the next thing I remember I was waking up. I was in pain right below my chest. Couldn't take in deep breaths and coughing??...forgetaboutit! It hurt like hell! but today is day 4. I am down 8lbs and the pain has subsided. I am not walking for any long amounts of time, just around the house and stuff. I figure at the end of week 2 I will be feeling better. my brother is an exercise freak so he is just waiting to get me in the gym! I told him, he will have to take it easy on me for a bit because..uhhh, this body aint used to workin out...let alone workin out hard! lol. So I will keep ya updated on that. As far the post op diet. My instructions said I could have clear liquids, creamy soups(strained), protein drinks, etc. For the protein I am using slimfast optima for now (my walmart is small and doesn't carry much selection). I mixed it with skim milk and some coffee and ice. It was suprisingly good! I am also taking 1flinstone vitamin a day. I got the complete that has Biotin that helps with hair growth. I thinks I am doing well so far.
Cherylita

Cherylita

8
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