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Day 1

Well, I would love to be posting with excitement and enthusiasm. It is there, bubbling under the surface. It wants to come out. I just have to be careful. I have started so many many times before. I remember sitting in a weight watchers meeting in a basement of some office building, being led by a woman wearing a dress that looked like it went out of style 20 years before she lost the weight she was when it first fit her. I remember the sadness I felt being there and the desperation and sense of failure that must have driven us all to sit on these metal folding chairs in this basement, getting weighed and hoping some of the words the leader said or one of us said would be the thing that would make it happen and we could be thin and happy.   So here I am again. 5 years post-op. I finally came to the band believing that my weight wasn't my fault and I didn't really need to have control. That my body's desire to be fat was genetic and biological (see all my fat relatives?) and really I had to admit that and to stop trying to diet to be thin. I lost about 65 lbs, mostly during the liquid diet stage and a few months post-op. But then I started some bad habits and also developed some complications and then got pregnant and then had really bad complications (throwing up bile every night in my sleep). So I got the band repositioned and thankfully have not suffered that symptom again. But I also have not gone back to the eating with the band that helped me lose weight. I still use food as my entertainment and comfort and choose a lot of sweet and carby food. So I gained about 20lbs back. I would need to lose 90lbs to get to my ultimate goal weight.   Can I do that? I haven't weighed that little since I was 9 years old. To lose weight in a healthy way, I would need to seriously reduce my calorie intake and increase my exercise. To get the ball rolling, I am going to start a liquid diet. This will help me to reset the clock, take the focus away from food and give me time to plan menus.
Gildy

Gildy

3
 

Day 2

I am going to Costco today to get the protein drinks to start liquids for a week. I wonder if I should try to find a better blender that really grinds up ice. Mine always leaves big chunks. I will see what they have.   I will also look for sugar free/lo-cal gum and candy. I am so orally fixated. I have never been able to lose weight w/o something to chew on. When I was 18, I lost a lot of weight and got in great shape. I chewed Hubba Bubba grape sugarless gum constantly. It was sweetened w/ I think moxital or something like that. Not calorie-less, but I was on a pretty lo-cal diet anyway and ran a few miles a day.   I would like to get back into running. That gets me into great shape. Scary to think of going back to that life. It was great, but when I started to slide away from the good habits, I lost all the approbation that had come and felt like such a failure. I never want to feel that way again. I think I am more scared of losing and gaining it back than not losing at all.   For exercise today, I will do 30 minutes on the elliptical when my dh comes home. Or take the kids sledding.   No coffee today. that will help manage the sugar swings.
Gildy

Gildy

3
 

Worked out!

I actually did the elliptical today (funnily while dh was at the gym w/ the kids) and felt so good! I have got to figure out a way to program the elliptical so I can still do the weight-loss program but for a longer time. Right now, it stops after 20mins. There was such a good, mindless show on (VH1 80's) and it made it really easy. I was also studying and so happy to have a break from that.   Aside, found a study website that made studying actually fun! I transferred 25 flashcards onto the site and got pretty fluent w/ them in about a half hour. Good times!   I want to write down what I ate today since I get a little fuzzy on all that:   1. Protein shake (160 cals) 2. 6oz Stonyfield farms yogurt drink (180) 3. 12 whole grain pretzel nuggets (60 cals) 4. mini snickers (80 cals) 5. 5 choc. covered espresso beans (40 cals) 6. 4 cups air popped popcorn (110 cals) 7. Frozen chix Tandoori w/ brown rice (160 cals) 8. Mini banana muffin (60 cals) 9. 30 oz Sobe Lifewater   So cals are low. Interesting. Feel full. I had a couple of hairy moments. Used sugarless gum and candy to get through. That actually probably adds about 40 cals. I would love to find better tasting sugarless candy. Although, that could be dangerous. I could really work my way up to eating a lot of anything tasty...   So, feeling good, feeling better. Clothes fitting a tidge better. Happy about the online study guide and that i stayed on top of the clutter and mess in the house. One of those, 'Can I really do it all? Yes.' Days. Gotta love those!
Gildy

Gildy

2
 

chili

Such yummy vegetable chili w/ quinoa today.   protein drink 160 popcorn 130 veggie chili 130 turkey chili 100 popchips 360 lifewater x3 0 1 gs cookie 38 = 918
Gildy

Gildy

2
 

Brownie

ok, not to perseverate on the brownie, but, today was the beginning of all the purim celebrations and I enjoyed a delicious 310 calorie brownie that came in the Purim basket from our temple today. It was good! We went to a diner after the party and I had the tilapie. I brought most of it home. i really tried to stay away from drinking while I ate. It was good. I had about: 3 oz of tilapia 130 cals 1/2 cup spinach w/ white beans 51 cals (had to butter in there!) 1 tsp butter 30 cals 1/3 c. mashed potatoes 111 cals 2 tbs gravy 50 earlier had 1 protein drink 160 1 Sobe lifedrink 0 2 cups water 0 Brownie 310 Hummos 3 tbs 60 1tbs pb 100 = 1002   Calories are still on the lower end. I definitely felt very low energy this morning before I ate. had to lie down. That worries me. I don't want to jeopardize my health.
Gildy

Gildy

1
 

Slippery slope

Sugar back on the scene. Had that brownie yesterday. Had a mini 3 musketeers today, plus 1 cookies.   Also had: 1 protein shake 160 large tomato basil soup 200 small bag chips 120 16oz Lifewater 0 3oz. Tilapia 100 1/3 c. mashed potatoes 100 1tbs chicken gravy 30 1/2 c. spinach/white beans 51 fun size 3 musketeers 60 rugelach 100 kisses 130 m&m's 100 popcorn 150 = 1302   Back at work. Not loving the protein shake. Need a new one. Got super hungry by the end of the day. Will have air popped pop corn later.
Gildy

Gildy

1
 

snow day

protein shake 170 3 girlscout cookies 210 shrimp w/ lobster sauce/brown rice 400 tea w/ milk/sugar 30 popcorn 200 = 1010   spent morning sledding, afternoon on playdate.
Gildy

Gildy

1
 

Good day

Worked out.   1 protein drink 160 lime water 0 turkey soup 260 lime bar 60 lime bar 60 pop corn 260 mango 80 = 880
Gildy

Gildy

1
 

Purim carnival

protein drink 160 popchips 480 lifewater 0 10 chips 75 = 715   485 left: lime pop 60 spinach pie 120 popcorn 180   (Overestimated how much spinach pie I could eat. Had to halve that.)
Gildy

Gildy

1
 

Day 2 continued

So I have been to Costco (That was an experience. Forgot my debit card. Had to apply for an amex card. Wasn't going to let an hour of dealing go to waste. have to cxl that amex card asap.), purchased the protein drinks.   It was an interesting experience focusing only on buying food for my family and not for myself. I am so conscious of feeding them all healthy food and have gotten into such bad habits for myself.   I really let the band drive and took the backseat. Not making healthy choices, just easy choices.   I had a headache. Wasn't sure if it was from no coffee or no food. I had a 2nd protein drink and it helped so it must have been no food
Gildy

Gildy

1
 

End of day 2

2.5 protein drinks consumed. Not the most satisfying or joyous of eating experiences. But I need to clean out and simplify and change priorities about what gives me pleasure in eating.   Also had about 5 pcs of trident, 3 big glasses of water, and 2 cups of cheese popcorn. That last one is not so ideal. I just hit a point about an hour ago when I was just craving salt. Like I wanted to drink pickle juice. I guess calorie-wise it's about 160 and 9 grams of fat.
Gildy

Gildy

1
 

Day 3

Headache started around 2. The protein drinks from Costco are tasting gross. Fake sweet. I had 2 cups of popcorn. I have to drink this protein drink but it is gross. Forcing myself. I am going to drink it.
Gildy

Gildy

1
 

Getting in the groove.

Helpful to read posts about fbs (first bite syndrome). I definitely get this. I seem to be prone to gas bubbles which collect in the opening of my band. I think I may have a slight allergy to dairy which causes this.   In any case, today has gone well on the food front. Am working my way through a protein drink. Had lentil soup (well the broth, luckily it was brothy and not dense) and a bit of my dd's chicken nugget.   Really have to get the shakes down. Got really tired this afternoon. Sure it was from not enough protein. I will be able to have another tonight w/ air popped popcorn.   Already dropped 5lbs which is a huge relief. I can see the difference in my face. Will keep the momentum going.
Gildy

Gildy

1
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