Blog 40488

Facing My Deepest Fear

Good morning.... So happy I found this site and have the opportunity to share my weight loss journey. I had surgury last August and have lost close to 70 pounds. My story is not typical although I have struggled with weight all my life. At 20 I lost over 100 pounds and kept it off for 10 years. At 30 illness entered my life and I gained it all back plus. I am so very grateful to have the opportunity to lose weight once again. But I have a fear of the success.... since I know nothing in life is guarenteed. I suffered for 8 years with my weight and my illness and now have the freedom to make the best of my health and I'm scared. For many reasons... but most of all, deep inside, I am indignant. Meaning that I know that the outside is only a shell for what's inside. I was forced to recognize this and accept that no matter how thin one is... it does not solve everything. So this morning I faced this fear that I face everyday.... but today I am chosing to throw caution to the wind and begin to maximize my weight loss potential... taking on an exercise ROUTINE and hoping for the best. My motivations for weight loss are difficult to manage. I am not a vain person but appreciate physical beauty. Somewhere along the line in my struggles I gave up on my own.... as if I was not worthy to enjoy that. I have an emotional and psychological illness that forced me to focus on my mental, emotional and spiritual health. I had to let the physical go... the medications played a huge role in the weight gain and my depression and anxiety kept me from trying to exercise to conteract what was happening to my body. I had to find self worth inside and let go of the rest. As I am losing weight, these issues are surfacing and my fear of success and having it taken away again is huge. Also, having experienced this medical/spirtual transformation... I know in my heart that people will be drawn to me for vain reasons and that upsets me. The advice I try to give myself is to stay in the moment and just do my best which is great... because I am maximum capacity person. I was wondering if anyone out there has a similar challenge/fear going on. I would love to here from you. I don't want to waste anymore time on waiting for the right motivation to come along.... This fire needs to be walked through and I welcome your support. Peace, love and understanding, Robin Marie Coley

Robin Marie

June 3, 2008

To all the ones who called me fat before.... a personal dedication....

YouTube - robbie williams - karma killer I find it really interesting that so many people in life step up to the plate a criticize fat people.... F.A.T. - forever a target? I wonder. For the first time in a long time, I reached maximum bullshit capacity. Yes, a healthy weight is wonderful. And this journey of weight loss is beautiful... It is important for me and perhaps others of a like hearted nature... to remember inner beauty. I do believe that those that struggle with this in their lifetime discover and the assets of internal beauty. The strength we can build on with that type of foundation is priceless. In my mind there are echoes of name calling and judgement and comparison. These will not disappear with the pounds. For they are a reminder of the true Robin. As a spiritual woman I am ready to be truthful about this thing... these pounds, this journey. I've often wondered why a higher power asked me to be like this... and sometimes wisdom comes quickly. Much of life I have been asked the question... how do you do it? How do you stand so proud in the face of so much adversity? I don't have the answer to that question... what I can say is I, like many of us, we spent much of our sucking it up and being the better person... taking the shit and building strength... whether we new it or not... Being aware of these echoes in my being came up last night when someone dear to me threw the fat word around like they knew it. The old habit of sucking it up played out. Luckily, I woke this morning realizing that ignorance shall not defeat. I have spent a lifetime processing other people's perceptions of what F.A.T. is about. For whatever reason, I have come to today with a new attitude about this whole journey of mine. The interesting part of my life is that fat never affected me.... it affected those around me. Simple as that. This shot up through me like a bullet today. It was like watching a movie... clips of my life where I was targeted for no reason....challenged to defend myself against ignorance and apathy. It's very similar to karma killing... thus the song I posted. Without projecting anything for my future... what is clear is there is a need in this world to get over it... but in order for that to happen in my world... it had to start with me. The first step to my own freedom is getting rid of all I've locked inside of me over time. Dispelling the crap. The irony is clear. The only people in this world that suffer from stigma are those that cage themselves by societal standards. I am so angry about all this... and this too shall pass... but in the time of now... as Madonna said so beautifully in a song... Life is a set up, until you are fed up. I don't want you social disease. As the journey continues, I am grateful to have this page and this forum and this blog to express some of the things that present themselves along the way. Thank you for reading and please do comment... your input is valuable.... Rock on Banders... you are beautiful, powerful people!!!!! Robin Marie Coley:thumbup:

Robin Marie

June 14, 2008

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