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restarting

Success is achieved and maintained by those who try-and keep trying... or so I read.   Ok I've gained 20# back but I have stopped smoking (again) Yeah! So today I'm restarting using the 5 Day Test Pouch guidelines My SF jellos are setting up in the fridge Got my protein drinks chilling and my Hummas Soup is finishing up in my pressure cooker I am geared to go and determination to go forward is face front   I am getting back on track nothing can remind and motivate as in the following: Seeing a weight on the scale you haven't seen in 2 years Your pants squeezing your guts to the point of pain Not being able to breath at night again because your snoring is back Not being able to move as well as you were because your butt is recrawling up your back again the list can go on and on...   all excuses stop slider foods are now abandoned I shall not graze and I will not drink 30 minutes before, during or 30 minutes after <-- yeah that one kills all my hard work and I shall get off my growing booty and shake, rattle, roll, rock and wiggle that thing until it falls off I shall redirect my {insert issue here} from a "need" for food to some from of physical action and I shall spend time listening to my inner as well as outer body again I will succeed! I will restart myself!!  
LeighDee

LeighDee

5
 

up up and away

Way up in the air in my beautiful balloon If you'll hold my hand we'll chase your dream across the sky For we can fly we can fly Up, up and away My beautiful, my beautiful balloon Balloon... Up, up, and away..... The Fifth Dimension   bring a pen , bring a knife..run through the hall with scissors, even a tack what ever you do just DEFLATE ME MORE.. ok yesterday I felt like a Macy's Day Balloon today I feel like the Goodyear BLIMB.. well at least not the Hindenburg Zeppelin yet but close...because it is starting to burn too..I mean we can burp a water bed's air bubbles... so why not a inflated stomach..   oh wow marketing idea here.. for $19.95 you can now get that air that the surgeon missed with the handy dandy "Belly Burper" BUY! now and get this lovely shrimp deviner FOR FREE and if you are 1 of our first 500 callers you also get this nifty t-shirt with BB our blow up doll right on the front..now watch as I take this full BB doll and deflate her in seconds..see how easy that is~applause~   ok seriously..I am hurting a lot from the co2 gas they use to blow your stomach up. I've walked, drank hot tea, took gas pills, layed on this side and that side and pedaled my feet in the wind AND took a very hot shower.. this gas I'm afraid is stuck here for awhile   I just will have to be careful wearing orange tops around parks for awhile ... I could see just some kid run up to claim "MY basketball" as his on..   even with all this I know that when the bad gets over it'll all be good...huh BB..      
LeighDee

LeighDee

3
 

Holiday Hum Bug LOL

((Sung to the tune of Jungle Bells.. kinda)   Dashing through the party trying not to eat so hardy running to the pot feeling not so hot   PBs always there my face makes people stare what fun it's not to eat a lot when holidays are there   OHHHHHHHH Oh my gawd oh my gawd I've done it all again I ate something that now is stuck I swear this never ends   the pain makes me not breath burping does not relieve Don't eat that stuff it won't be rough just watch and you will see   don't even touch those nuts they'll hang right in your guts and following them with cheese it'll drop you to your knees   please stay away those that'll crinkle up your toes don't finger all those snacks cause they'll really set you back   just stay away from that food tray you'll make it through the day OHHHHHHHHHH oh my gawd oh my gawd I've done it all again I ate something that is now stuck (big finish) Chew Chew Chew Chew my friendssssssss ~~end~~ Yea I know it got off rhythm.. but you get the idea... When I get stressed I tense up and when I tense up everything gets stuck. I'm not at ANY means, shape, form or fashion a social butterfly I'm more like a lone wolf... at times looking more like a rabid lone wolf. Thank gawd for bathroom stalls with doors. The holidays are an extremely stressful time and even though I REALLY appreciate the fact everyone in my families has noticed my change, it's freakishly unnerving for me, because I know I'm not doing as well as I know I can be. It's sometimes depressing for me and I'm really struggling for it to not overwhelm me.   My hubby and my sister can now tell when I have something that is not playing nice with me. Well, I guess if I wouldn't put that stuff in my mouth in the first place or at least chew a lot better of the stuff I can eat, WITHOUT talking in between bites it wouldn't be so bad. See another issue is that when I talk and eat it does the same thing, no matter how much I chew.   January is just around the corner but it sure doesn't seem like it's coming fast enough. I've already decided that December 1st I'm getting back into some extra sort of exercise. I have too not just for the weight loss but for the stress relief.   I've also been toying with the idea of hour long screaming sessions before going to a get together..then I'd be too hoarse to talk and can just write little notes or something. Or I could just eat before I go, but even that doesn't guarantee that I won't do it anyway.   Yea I thought about going for an unfill for the holidays but I decided not to. I have to learn what to do and not do and as hardheaded as I am. Experience is the best teacher. And Oh, man what an experience this has been.   Bah Hum Bug parties Bah Hum Bug   Happy Holidays e'body :thumbup:
LeighDee

LeighDee

2
 

the yucky parts

well hello again   today I'm going to address my experiences with Power Burping and Sliming...   nothing is worse than eating too fast or not chewing good enough..   set the fork down and let the bite hit the bottom.. SLOWLY take your bites and CHEW CHEW CHEW like there is no tomorrow   anything other than that you get to experience sheer agony of feeling like a gorilla is dancing on your chest and tennis balls are stuck in your throat threating to choke the very life out of you   it just ain't right no not right at all and yes it's MY fault   not doing what I was told going without my meals like I've been instructed and then eating too fast because by that time I am so hungry I'm not chewing well and WAY too fast   and I pay ho boy do I pay first the gorilla dance then the tennis balls   and then the rabid foaming of Mr. Bubble coming out to play and no they are not nice bubbles they are the most devious and wicked bubbles that makes you look flat out like a rabid dog and I think the Tidy Bowl Man is in love with me I sure know I've hooked up with him a LOT   oh and let's not forget the delightful power burps where it seems all you have to do is open your mouth and there she flys forth on strings of the really fun stuff   the slime nothing can break that string of slime DO NOT try to cut it off with your hand and OMG what ever you do don't just let it hang cause it's like elastic and there's nothing like the horror of did that just pop back from the.....   you'll be not only grossed out but it really hangs on long stringy icky springy slime   if you feel it coming on GRAB A TOWEL and quick trust me you'll need it   gas-x for me is a joke and Tums yea right I'm in the bathroom PBing and sliming and I'm gonna chew and swallow nasty berry and other gross flavors of Tums I think not it makes it horrifically worse   but you know what If I would just comply with what I know to do I wouldn't be having most these issues   don't get me wrong I did see how far I could push the envelope it's amazing just how stuck envelopes can become   HUGE MISTAKE on my part   however I am going to ask my Dr to put me on some kind of gas pill wait make that ANTI-gas pills   but you know what it's ALL worth it my PB affair with the Tidy Bowl Man the dancing gorillas the tennis balls the slime ever see Alien? yea that kind of slime but slimier   ICK huh   oh and don't worry it'll happen and you'll survive   I just wish that ONCE I could foam like a rabid dog at my in-laws table   I have such a twisted sense of humor I know but that would be some funny shooshoo just the sheer horror on their faces would be so.... mischievously delightful   welp it's 10am and I need to goto bed now   sweet dreams and yes it truly is worth it ALL one day my "sweet spot" will be found won't solve everything but it sure will help a LOT   I just need to behave and do right by me,myself and I   night
LeighDee

LeighDee

3
 

It's been awhile

yea I know I haven't posted in a while   been busy yada yada   so here's where I am I had my first fill yesterday 07/17 WOOT!   everyone has this spot or spots that you can really judge how well you are losing weight mine is this a space above my tookus which is getting smaller and smaller and there were 2 creases at the back of my arms that used to be behind my arms are now in my pits... ~GRINS~ yea it comes down to butt and pits for me   I've not been doing everything I'm supposed to which is bad because I retarded my weight loss which is not good... you HAVE to follow what the Doc and his staff says   I lost 1 yes ONE pound in 2 weeks not good at all yes yes I know the band isn't "activated" until the first fill Dr. was just happy I was holding my own ...me not so much ...   so here I am laying there ready to get my 1st fill my husband was with me.... ((my rock in shiny tin foil)) the Dr. does his deadening which didn't even hurt and while we are talking and I am deadening I look over to see this freaking HORSE needle I'm like "OMG that's HUGE" the Doc says "well you're not supposed to be looking" so by now I'm thinking HONKING CRAP no wonder he deadened it so I'm like prepared for the worse... I tell the Doc I'm now counting ceiling tiles and I'm expecting this drilling rig to set up on my stomach   so here we go..I feel pressure I'm told that I may have to push my stomach out but end up that relaxing it was better he was searching for the diaphragm to put the needle in my husband is now standing and I'm watching his face contorting all sorts of ways   OMG I thought they were doing some horrible, even, unimaginable stuff... so I muster the nerve and ...look...down and lo and behold it was a tinny tiny little needle I look at my husband and he's laughing he is still getting the evil eye over that one   I get filled drink my water go through all the formalities leave and go to the donut shop NOT FOR ME...good grief no but for him.. he went through the whole "are you sure it's ok" and blah blah "I feel bad you can't.." he ends up with pigs in a blanket I'm just elated to have my first fill   so I get home and drag out my chicken broth and then it happens... ~GASPS~ I get the freaking hiccups you know all the little tricks you can try yea well HA HA not this time   I go to sleep with them wake up without them get them again they go away again right now I am hiccup free in 2 minutes who knows   fun stuff really NOT   so that's where I am 1st fill was a success and now I'm well on my way   TIP: I have found that when you are really gassy or if you have that uh oh I'm about to get my food stuck like an 8am traffic jam on a Dallas freeway..   first stand about an arms length away from a wall... second put your hands above your head on the wall ... you will be leaning third stretch out your left leg like you are stretching your hamstring   this will lengthen your esophagus much like standing will, only better that or even getting your 17 yo daughter to beat you on your back... which she did seem to really enjoy...hummm    
LeighDee

LeighDee

1
 

Mushie Madness

Whey a Minute Puddin'   that is the name that flashed my mind when I tasted it for the first time. it struck me as so funny it just SCREAMING to be used... this goop or pudding or whatever it may be, can be something as a great, quick protein snack it can quell a chocolate crave or even can be something elegant and spiced for Holidays   ok it came from a result of "playing" with my food..I love to do my own twisted version of fusion cooking.. so I kinda applied it here with what I have on my diet...   anyway it's so good my husband wanted me to make him his own and the ingredient options using this as a base the possibilities are endless   1/2 C cottage cheese 1/2 C apple sauce 1 scoop Body Fortress vanilla whey protein   mix together eat right away or put in fridge possibly freezer (still gotta try the freezer) it can be easily divided in two for us "1/2 Cuppers" out here..lol
LeighDee

LeighDee

1
 

Today is the day

welp it's today I goto the hosp. for my lapband at 10:30am and am scheduled for 1:30pm for the actually procedure yesterday I ran the gambit of emotions (how's this for nervous) I did a in case of death tape..corny I know, not to mention I bawled at the first of it... and laughed a lot through the tears too..   I think I went through the grieving process, anger, bargaining etc etc the whole kit and caboodle over the last 4 days   Today i am ready ready to shed the many layers of viable pain and start everything over and I mean EVERYTHING in me...   I really started this journey 3 years ago when I started pondering the band... and for those 3 years of watching and waiting,, I am ready ready to drop these unhealthy pounds that have weighted me down since childhood   the past 6 months now feel like they have flown by once a month meetings with our family dr. who was busy getting the ball rolling, the seminar, the paperwork, the evaluation, the OK, the meeting with the Dr and staff for the first time, the meeting with the dr and staff the 2nd time, the payment, the PASS {preregistration}...I am ready I am prepared I am stoked and not scared not afraid just ready   I haven't been sleeping a lot maybe 10 for 4 days.. but my house looks good and I worked off a lot of stress and didn't blow my diet.. sure I may have cheated a time or 2 with tastings but I didn't snack attack anything nor went crazy with the "last supper syndrome" I am ready I'm ready to change old habits and exchange them with more new ones.. I am mentally and physically ready to go   it's been a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts but I am read   and in 2 3/4 hrs.. I'll be ready and THERE...   today always comes sooner then it feels
LeighDee

LeighDee

8
 

"as the Band Fills" part 2

where was I.. on yea... my experience with the Lapband surgery...   I covered the keys, the gown, the SOCKS with the pissed off alien lifeforms in them and the nurses, the drainers...which brings me to...   my anesthetist   after the drainers left, most happy for extracting at least one bodily fluid from me..   in walks   The Anesthetist   He was a vision, tall, fit, black hair and the bluest eyes, that crinkled just slightly when he flashed a most charming and disarming smile.. he was talking about something.. I guess I answered.. I KNOW he said his name but I wasn't listening I was lost in his deep...WHAT.. could you say that again? ~his manly man, dark, blue eyed voice~ "I'll be giving you something to relax" and then he looked deeply into my eyes and said.."we are going to treat you like a fine piece of china" I remember thinking hooking crap please don't be talking about Cornell.. you know the plates you can almost throw into your floor and it bounces pristinely back into your hand?   I thought about those wonderful words again.."I'll be giving you something to relax" and then it appeared..the needle that they shot into my IV...   ok so I don't remember much from then on...except in pieces.. I remember being rolled into the operating room, trying to sit up and wave hi to all the Drs that were checking over their instruments.   then these two smiling nurses wearing smocks with colors loud enough to wake the dead... they came towards me with their arms out stretched and helped me get onto the operating table...I kinda remember thinking something like yea sure you just THINK they use defribulaters if you croak they probably just open one of your eyes and have one of those nurses wave her top at you...   so then I go black .. I wake up right after surgery just for a second and one of those dayglo nurses was saying.. "ok I need to give you a little more morphine"..MORPHINE..wait it's my only time to ever get near morphinnnnn i wannaa ber ake.....ok so I didn't get to complete that thought.. bummer   next thing I remember was petting a pretty brown bunny that was sitting where my porthole was..port hole porthole get it... sailing on the morphine cruse line...anywayyyyyyyyy   So yea I keep dropping in and out and after I came back in again I asked my daughter "hey did you see where that brown bunny I was petting went to?"   Ok I KNOW I was really talking a lot ..which scares me because I have NO CLUE what I was saying... and if you know me then you'd know why I am concerned...   then came the x-ray guy..oh cool I get to go for a ride and get an x-ray..   oh yea, on the way there guess who I see..you know how this goes you absolutely look the worst you could possibly EVER look and you see someone you know.. I mean ok I forgot that my brother-in-law's brand new trophy wife works down in that part of the hospital..with no one else for at least 5 miles of hospital corridors except me and Mr. X-ray guy and there SHE is.. God only knows what I said.. but I remember seeing her smashed up against the wall like we were going to run her over..LOL..ok yea THAT was worth being awake for..   back to Mr X-ray and I   I SWEAR not one single person in the world said anything about the barium..OMGGGG it's like drinking a liquid chalk board.. by this time I really, really like my Anesthetist because I was still so relaxed.. I drank that crap like it was the nector straight from a school house in the sky ...didn't even flinch.. well much anyway..the X-ray guy thought he'd be cute.."doesn't that taste good?"... me: "would you like some I have plenty."...he laughed..HUMPH see if I offer my southern hospitality to him again ...   and the next time I woke up my husband was cleaning my face. both him and my dear daughter were flat out guffawing my daughter was in her chair doubled over and my husband was red faced from laughter ...and they took pictures.. trust me I will be doing a photo diary as soon as I can...I have to get him to divulge where he's hidden the photos on our teri-byte storage drive...   tomorrow I shall cover the horrors of it's "WAY past time to leave and you are on the spot cause you can't pee"...   heh   oh man I am still so freaking sore right over my port incision everything else has pretty much calmed down   every time I cough I feel like I just ripped out about a couple of thousand stitches, dislocated my liver, my left lung and my spleen ..we all know we don't have that many stitches but it sure feels that way..to this I say VIVA Lortab   I'm doing good on my mushies... hey blueberry yogurt and chocolate whey protein mixed is fabulous..and I mean FABULOUS and maui maui with bananas is to die for..   the gas has gone away for the most part and I am just waiting for my port area to be claimed a fish and wild life preserve...in other words you can look but don't touch because there is a HUGE fine to pay..   like listening to me whine it sounds like this.. OMG you just touched it..how dare you do that... it freaking hurts.. what's wrong with you are you a sadist..don't make me pelt you with these chocolaty flavored calcium candy dothingys...hey give those back.. stop eating those.. have you lost your mind...OMG noooo don't come near me and don't EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING IT AGAIN...yes I know it now feels like a hard ball.. and that yesterday it was a huge softball...no you can't have it to play golf when it gets smaller...   good grief..
LeighDee

LeighDee

2
 

the con'td saga of "as the Band Fills"

ok this is the extended version of the Reader's Digest post .. it went like this   1. the keys: my hub was so busy taking pictures of me that he shut his door with the ...keys inside.. we got a family friend to take my daughter and her house key to get my car keys so that my hub could get his keys back.. and mind you he locked the keys in the truck at the hospital parking garage.   *insert chopped part so as I am lead into preop there on the foot of my bed was "that gown" you know the one where you have to hold the butt so your hiney doesn't beam the world ..ok so fine I get that and then the "socks that can kill" appeared on the bed These socks must be some sort of a alien technology to take over the world I can see it now, walking about your daily lives when you decide it's time to stop.. but they just grabbed 2 feet in front of only to make you look like crazed puppet that just got poked with a cattle prod.. you know hands all up in the air..body spazing to keep balance because of those freaking killer socks decided to throw you like a rodeo bull ((named tornado or hurricane or something just as naturally dangerous))..into a small pond of super glue....Aliens umm hummm it always starts with the bovine   then THEY came, the 2 nurses who are going to run my IV on my ittle bitty roly poly veins I looked at my hubby and held up my hand with 5 on it.. see if she can't hit it by 5 tries then I want a specialist..well I will say this they gave me a local before the IV, she tried several times and finally ended up on the inside of my elbow., my husband was almost freaked cause she was really "digging around" in my left arm. they put the BP cuff and the O2 finger gadget ....then came pressure hose and these little instep foot pillows that would puff air alternately squeezing my feet..I'd dare to say oh yea those were uber cool... then came the heprein (or however it's spelt) nothing like seeing your stomach poked with a needle and you feel nothing but a slight burn   by that time I HAVE to go to the restroom right after I get all hooked up and everything so everything almost goes backwards...I get back in bed   then come the "drainers" I used to call them vampires, but I don't know too many of those that collect pee...so I now call them drainers and they usually aren't to picky about what fluids they can get.. this one wanted pee~~DYES LAFFIN~~ I told her she should have been there 10 minutes ago I can't give any.. so she like OK.I'll just take some blood..it always comes down to a cup or a needle with these guys.. I mean all they needed it for was a pregency test and I TOLD her I wasn't preggy..I got talked into it ...some nurses are just too peppy for their own good..   Oh and tomorrow I talk about my smexy anesthetist   heehee   ok the gas is come and go now.. sitting still way low in my belly nothing touches it it's like it owns that part of me...HA I say again HA I can't cough good or even fart cause of the pain caused by any type of pushing because the attachment point of my port is above my abs on the left side and it hurts..   sleep bed pillow g'night
LeighDee

LeighDee

3
 

1st Day out

ok here's how it went the reader's digest version   1. My husband locked the keys in the truck but we had a friend to call and my daughter grabbed mine..that was the start   2. Surgery went without a hitch so said the Doc so that's a great thing   3. I could have been home by 4-5pm but I couldn't because for the life of me i couldn't PEE   4. went walking around nurses stations and drank 3 apple juices to "wake my bladder up" and then go sit on the throne and several times I feel asleep in my IV pole table   5. called Doc about what to do, he wanted to admit me I was like no way, I gotta pee   6. now on top of my co2 bloat from the operation it self.. I also had the most horrific gas ever from the apple juice; my poor hubby, we both watched my belly blow up even further I was about to ask my nurse Karen for a pin!   7. nurse Karen was so wonderful too...she said let's do a french foley.. i was like oh joy   8.we found out that I was dehydrated and could go home with the instructions that if I hadn't peed by 7am this morning I was to call him back   9. when I got home I grabbed my half gallon water jug and went to town on it.. only to find out what true tummy rumblings are   10. I finally peed like forever and did 3 more times that night.. so I got to call the Dr's office and report successful results   so other than that, I did learn I love to belch although feeling like a Macy's Day parade air float completely powered by methane gas admitting from the down side..wasn't so great all and all it went really well could have been a heck of a lot worse   I am still sore but it's DONE and I'M SOOOOOO HAPPY   woot I am banded
LeighDee

LeighDee

6
 

chicken with my head cut off, but my house is clean

No lyrics today just an overdrive of energy I can't sleep, wide awake 2 hrs of sleep in the last night to now   I stayed up all night last night playing World of Warcraft yes, I am a shameless gamer. I even had the pleasure of Beta-ing WoW. Big deal to me..I know go "buh?" now..   anyway I just HAD to get to level 40 so I could get my mount..a black stallion, I'll eventually get an Eleck (elephant) and Cat mounts. I mean I couldn't sleep anyway so hey...:smile:   I play private free servers right now at Toxic WoW I also have 2 level 70s on retail I used to GM on a private server NEVER AGAIN..nothing like impatient teens wanting everything from gold to spells to whatever fix this fix that.. "why haven't I been fixed yet!!!!".. on and on and on however it did have it's perks like "stun forever" and the ability to turn them into snowmen or frogs by the stroke of my macro :thumbup:   I love playing stuff like that..different stuff to like Counter Strike Source and Battlefield2 (nade wars rock) and 9Dragons just to name a few most are mmorpgs (multi member online role playing games)   anyway Monday is the day and I'm stoked all kinds of emotions running rampart :eek:   my Brother in law is coming, my sister has to work and I wish that he'd stay home and just call to check on me and that just my husband and my girl would be there instead... I just don't want it to become some major extended family circus thing..it's a LAP band not a quadruple bypass..risks yea, but still not to worry I will NOT be hurting his feelings and let him play his role   oh don't get me wrong I love my BIL.. he's the best, he is like a dad to me and you know how dad's are when their kids are involved in something like this.. I can just see him now asking the surgeon a TON of questions such as: how many of these have you done how many times has the anesthesiologist put someone over and on and on   never mind I've already told him everything and researched it completely as possible he has to be there to ask himself, up front and personal.. I really love him for it and I do appreciate his concern, but still ~sigh~ shoot I haven't even told my husband's family and don't plan to.. I'm gonna pull a Star Jones on them..:sneaky:   anyway I've lost 2 more pounds I'm 218# now.. my stomach feels hollow.. kinda cool in a weird way.. can't feel my liver or my stomach anymore by pushing in those areas..:biggrin2:   lime jello rocks and children's liquid Tylenol sucks azz baddly I'm adjusting to my new life prior to the actuality of it:thumbup:   anyway 3 more days and tomorrow I have to start washing with "the soap" some kind of antibacterial soap and the day of the surgery once more before I go in.. rubba dub dub with antibacterial soup I will scrub :huh2: wooohooooo   right now I'm sleepy but not tired I lay there with my eyes open listening to my relaxation tapes droning on and on...it has the same outcome as would a mosh pit wide awake and brain keep a rollin' and body blitzing out..heh   I am manic depressive maybe that has a lot to do with it but I haven't had a manic phase in a LONG time.. if so "you picked a fine time to visit me peppy"..:tt1: blah  
LeighDee

LeighDee

4
 

I can see clearly

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way............... .....I think I can make it now, the pain is gone Otis Redding   and the pain was, well, painful the bass drum finally stopped playing and my eyesight is much better I hate "blinding" headaches where you squint at any bright light to keep your eyes from popping out   after it stormed and everything moved out of the area my headache just disappeared so I'm not hurting in my head or my shoulders and neck ((that's where I carry my stress, my shoulders mainly))   it's surprising how creative you can get when you are horridly bored with eating the same thing over and over and over and over and over a little curry powder here, a touch of cumin there some dried oregano or cilantro does wonders! it really does plus the curry is supposed to help the liver must be true because I googled it..lol   I managed to exercise a tad today well jam really, ok yea, I still dance to the music don't see me stopping anytime soon! and after an 18hr nap yesterday..I feel better, way better   I can't wait until Monday it's BAND DAY YEAH~   Monday Monday my banding day Monday Monday I can't wait to get it out of the way Oh Monday mornin', Monday mornin' I can guarantee That Monday evenin' my band will be fixed on meeeee   hee hee     ok I know my blinkie is sad I was tired this morning when I did it and probably will do another it just flat fits   my new one...yup yup   but not after Monday.. it's a whole new world well maybe not too new I have been working up to this point for 3 years and Monday it'll be a GIANT step for me and I'm ready to JUMP WOOT
LeighDee

LeighDee

1
 

Ever close your eyes (day 4)

Ever close your eyes ever stop and listen ever feel alive and you've nothing missing you don't need a reason let the day go on and on Wild Child Enya   today I am so very utterly tired sleeping 12 hrs only to awake to the want of sleep again   temples and head feel the rhythmic bass drum gone awry of my heart's poundings neck stiff and aching from staying in one position eyes blurry from waking up from sleeping far too long and feeling like they want to pop out and roll across the floor like some demented marbles   and yet I do know where all this is heading it's for me, the new me it's taken me 3 LONG years to decide to do this and it makes every bit of tiredness every ache every pain worth it   this journey isn't easy but my commitment is   the past habits, ways and thoughts were literal pieces of cake and look where they have gotten me low self esteem, the looks of others or even the lack thereof where they act as if you do not even exist to the point of not seeing you at all the toting of extra baggage for so long the numerous health issues the snide comments so very many things   no this journey is not easy but the payout will be priceless and it will all belong to ME   Better to let it out than to eat it:tt2:
LeighDee

LeighDee

1
 

The storm calms

Lines join in faint discord and the storm watch brews a concert of kings as the white sea snaps at the heels of a soft pray whispered Intro to Dun Ringill Jethro Tull   it's much better today the body that was rebelling it has not uttered a word of discontent today except a quiet, tiny rumble of "I'm hungry" as my stomach was politely asking for food when I got up this morning   cottage cheese is pretty good with sugar-free jello in the mornings and nector tastes fantastic as a snack I'm in love with the peach next time I think I'll try fuzzy navel   I managed to do just a 1mi tread and feeling much better for it and am not as giggly as well   I woke this morning with a 3# weight loss WOOT! I'm stoked   I keep asking my husband do I look like I'm losing any weight ((I've lost 12# total)) and he kept saying no but tonight when we were driving back from visiting my aunt he looks over at me and says "your face has shrunk" next I shall conquer the world   I am noticing that my shoulders are redesigning themselves and that crease on the back of my neck is almost gone there are a few more little places that I usually judge if I'm losing weight or not that are also diminishing so WOOT! I'm now even more stoked   all in all it's been a good day I do still have to take mini naps but I'm not utterly tired like I was which is a great thing to not be right now   it's better to let it out than to eat it:tt2: ... I gotta make a blinkie of this, yes, oh, yes I do
LeighDee

LeighDee

1
 

The Body Doth Rebel

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! the body doth rebel..   and it's painful I've forgotten about the "Adkin's effect" you know the one, where the body hits that level of detox and your head feels like it wants to pop off your eyes feel like they are in vices and you pee every 2 seconds   all that sugary and insulin building food and drink is coming out and kicking butt as it does literally even to the curb which is a very, very good upside   I may be in a more giggly state not as tight as I was (when I wasn't so tired from "the effect" I was doing a daily 2mile tread) but all and all it's ok because I know where this is all going and it's going to benefit me, purely me and truly only me even though other's will get to eventually bask in my new state of release from this prison I have been in since I was a child   and I have dreams, weird dreams that take me back to that childhood where I actually get to finally confront some of those people and problems that helped me to decide to self medicate the pain with food helped?!? yes, helped because rather than a certain very significant someone actually emotionally "being there" they'd rather made bread, cake or chicken fried steaks with glue like white gravy dripping from it and a huge dollop of mashed potatoes sitting with it. all the while pushing it like a drug dealer and I "bought and bought" and ate it all up to the point of licking the plate clean   well, I'm not buying anymore!!! matter of fact I'm going Pro-Active on it..>Cagney voice< ~yeah yeah that's right see, I'm gonna kill this old body see and release the new me see and nuttin and ain't nobody is gonna stop me see~   yeah that's right I'm taking back me! back from old ideologies and old thought processes. back from old ways and old habits that have bound me for so very long. back from fat that cocooned me into a false sense of comfort all the while food was secretly drugging me into complete surrender of my very body and my very being.   I'm awake now and on high alert and I'm storming out of this like an army of two (or three depending on how I am split up) and only one of us will survive and it's not going to be food. and it's not going to be cruddy "things" that align themselves with food   It's gonna be the brand new, remade, redone, released   ME!   Hear ye Hear Ye 7 o'clock and all is going to be well~ even though still the body doth rebel
LeighDee

LeighDee

1
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