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Get These Self Doubts Out Of My Head!!!

Ever since my last psych eval, which was only yesterday, I've been thinking about a lot of things. I've been having a lot of doubts about what I'm doing. I still believe that having this surgery will help me lose weight and I have to make major changes to accomplish this goal but I still can't help but doubt my ability to do so. I keep thinking about all the things I have started and never finished. If I can't even finish a diet that lasts 6 weeks how am I going to do one that requires a lifetime commitment. I love food. I love to eat. I love candy, chocolate, chips, cookies (notice a pattern here). Then I think about all the things that could happen if I am not committed to making myself a more healthier person. I won't be a good role model for my children. Leaving my hubby, my kids, my family before my time should be up. Having to exist in the shadows because I let myself go completely. These things go back and forth in my head.   I'm just scared of what's to come because for right now the ball is not in my court so I can't dictate how things will go until after I have surgery. I know I can do it but my mind is having conflicting issues. The main thing that keeps coming up to drive them away is how I felt when I made my decision to go forth and have the surgery. I was happy and excited. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I knew in my heart I should do this and it was finally catching up to my brain.   I know it's normal to have these doubts. I know others on the boards have them too. I'm so glad that I have the boards to turn to because now I know I am not alone in how I feel.   So as I finish this post I finally have gotten these doubts out of my head and can move forward in preparing for the days to come. I am a strong person. I'm probably stronger then I give myself credit. I can't wait until I can look in the mirror and finally see the person I imagine myself to be.
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Why am I sabotaging myself?

You always read about how other people in your life sabotage your weight loss efforts but what about yourself? My husband just recently brought to my attention how I've slowed down my workout regime. Ever since I started my journey to have the Lap-Band surgery I've been trying to be more aware of how I am eating and stepping up my workouts. I was doing good until I went into the surgeon's office and found out that I met his requirements for surgery and got my date. Since then I really haven't worked out and when I do I just go at a turtle's pace. This isn't like me. I used to be drenched in sweat when I came from working out now I barely break one. Today I stepped up my workout and thought my legs were going to fall off. This didn't happen a week ago. I'm seriously thinking that maybe since I met my surgeon's goal for my surgery I just thought I didn't have to do anything else. I want to lose as much weight as I can Pre-banded that way I'll already be in losing mode by the time I get banded. I know I can do it I just need to focus on the ultimate goal and that is to get down to a healthier weight and feel sexy again. My confidence is shot even though I do try to bring it back up but it's hard. Oh man it's hard. He's tired of seeing me wallow in self pity and frankly I am too. I need to keep a positive attitude for the future and not look to him or anyone else to motivate me. I and me alone can only do what is necessary to ensure that I am successful with the band. Today is a new day and I know I can do it. I've just got to keep my eye on the prize and motivate myself everyday to work towards that prize.   So far I've lost 20 lbs since starting in May. I know I can lose more. Matter of fact I'm going to jump on the elliptical after work. I just put some new movies/TV shows on my ipod so it's time to catch up on The Boondocks!
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Got my date!!!

I went to my surgeon's appointment today and I not only lost enough weight to get my BMI under 50 but I also was able to schedule my surgery date. I'm due to be in surgery on August 6th. I'm so excited! As soon as I got to the car I started calling everyone telling them the goods news. I can't wait to shed this unwanted "person" from my body and show off the real me. It's going to be a hard, long road but I'm SO ready to walk it.
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Never Underestimate Your Spouse!

Over this weekend my hubby and I were discussing things. I've never really went into detail about my feelings about my weight and how I look. I mean I know I am a beautiful woman and my weight doesn't determine my worth but sometimes those feelings do creep in on me. Yesterday morning I finally broke down and told my husband everything that is going on in my head. Everything about having the surgery and how I feel about my weight. I'll admit it to everyone...I'm scared! I'm scared about having the surgery and even more than that what will happen to me if I don't. I know I have a twisted relationship with food and I'm still a work in progress about that. As I was sitting there bawling my eyes out he held me and told me it will be okay. That I'm taking the steps to get my weight in check and keep it there. I told him that I know the benefits of having the surgery far outweigh any fears I may have about the surgery itself. I do ask myself "Will I be able to handle the restrictions on my food intake?" "Will I be able to stick with the diet for the rest of my life?". These are questions that go through my head everyday. I told him my deepest fear was that I won't be able to do normal things with my kids and my children mean the world to me. I know I should have said all this stuff to him before. I guess I just thought he wouldn't understand because he has never had a weight problem. He actually understood and even comforted me. He reaffirmed that he would be there for me to help me with anything I needed. I didn't think it was possible but I love him more for that.
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My so called friend

A friend of mine and I were chatting online this morning. Now this is a lady that know's my ongoing battle with losing weight. I told her about the LapBand and how I'm going through the steps to have the surgery. Here I am thinking she'll be supportive or even excited that I'm doing this for my own good she basically shot me down for it. She talked about how I don't need to do it that I'm young and can get the weight off. She told me that she recently lost weight and that I could do it to. I know I can lose weight. I want to lose weight. That's what I'm doing now and why I want to have the lap band. I wasn't looking for her to be jumping up and down and be excited for me. I just was looking for a little support in my journey. She even had the gaul to ask me if my husband knew. As if I wouldn't tell him. I realize she has reservations about it and I bet a few others I've told also have it but they all are supporting me in it because they realize that ultimately it's my decision and they love me and want me to be healthy. Why can't she see it. I'm seriously thinking she was happy with me the way I am because I'm her "fat" friend that no body looks at. I'm not that person anymore. I'm finally taking control of my weight instead of letting it control me. I know this one person shouldn't get me all riled up but I can't help it. Thankfully I've got people in my life that support my decision and wish me luck in losing this weight forever. Our relationship has been strained due to previous issues on her part but here I am just wanting a little support and now I see I can't count on that from her. I can't even vent to her when things get rough because I know I'll get nothing but "I told you so". :thumbup: She really pissed me off and put in a bad mood. Why does it seem that all anybody can think of is the bad part of having it done like it's some sort of taboo of having WLS. It's here to help people to get healthy. I want what everybody else wants out of life but don't fault me because WLS will help me accomplish it.
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Something strange

I was sitting in my car starting to fill out the new patient package I picked up from my surgeon's office. I was told I could fill it out early. Well anyways...I'm filling it out when this lady comes to my car and asks if I'm filling out a job application. I told he no. She asked if it was for a family member. I told her it was for myself. She then gives me this pamphlet and starts talking to me about being a Jehovah's Witness. I told her that I was not interested but I thanked her for the pamphlet. She told me to read it because it would probably change my mind about surgery. I just looked at her and smiled and said thank you and put my car in drive and pulled off.   Nothing against Jehovah's witnesses but I couldn't help but be a little put off. This lady was actually thinking that she could change my mind about surgery. First of all she didn't know what kind of surgery I was going for also why would I change my mind. it just struck me as odd that she would say that.
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5 lbs down, Umpteen more to go!

I finally lost 5 lbs. It's only been a month trying to work it off. It felt like I was working against myself since during this time I was also on my cycle and I am notorious for gaining weight during that time. Now I have to work to keep it off and lose more. I'm not sure how much the doctor will want me to lose before he will do the surgery but I figure it will be good to lose some before hand and be in the habit that way when he says I need to lose 3 or 5 lbs or whatever it will be a cake walk.
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The Incredible Hulk

I just got home from the drive-in. The kids and I went to see The Incredible Hulk. Well actually I watched and they slept in the backseat. You know I spend why too much time on these boards because as soon as I got home I put the kids to bed, changed into my night clothes and jumped right onto my computer. Anyways...THIS MOVIE ROCKS!! It was so much better than that first one they put out. They even had some cameo appreances from others associated with the character. I thought it was a great movie and it should do great in the box office. I told my hubby that I am willing to see it again if he wants to go to the movies to see it. (He didn't come with us because he had a work related function to attend.) It kept my interest through the entire movie. I didn't want to miss a minute. I give it 2 thumbs and 2 big toes up!
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Surgeon visit part 1.1

Yesterday I got a call from the surgeon's office to find out if they received the referral from the psych eval. I know I'm supposed to wait for them to call me but I'm too anxious. I know what the psych doc will say he told me that he sees no reason for me not to have the surgery. I called the Bariatric Coordinator and found out that she's going to be out of the office until the middle of next week. Well that is just unacceptable. I then called the surgeon's office and had his nurse call me back later that day. She said since they were so booked up that he wouldn't be able to see me until July so by the time I would have my appointment then they would have my evaulation and been able to review it. I now have my first visit on July 11th. I'm so excited. I know what to expect during this visit but I'm still curious about what the surgeon is going to talk to me about. Will he say he won't do it? Will he be able to do it soon? I asked the nurse for her honest estimation when I could be banded and she told me barring any extra tests at the earliest the end of July. WOW! That would be great. She says they already have the OR booked at the hospital here on the 15th and 29th of July so I could have one of those days. I'm going to talk to her today to see if I can knock out some of those tests needed early. I'm hoping I can. I told the doc at the first seminar I attended that I am VERY aggressive when it comes to something I want. Worse case senario they tell me I have to wait. We can only see.
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Psych Eval 2 - now it's a waiting game

I just got back from my 2nd psych eval. The doc said that he didn't see anything that should keep me from having the surgery. I told him that since I have 5 referrals left to go and see him within 1 year that I would like to use those if they are needed. I think he was happy I said that considering he said he was going to mention that himself. I have no problems in going to see him if I need it. I know from experience that if I let my emotions dictate how I act then there will be some serious consequences come post op. I'm determined not to let that happen. My hubby was also able to speak with the doc before I went in and he said that the doc just explained to him the help and support I'm going to need from him come post op. I'm so happy that he is on board. He's never really come out and said it but I can tell from his actions that he is. He has told me he would support me but it's nice to see that he actually is. I also called the Bariatric Coordinator to see if I could schedule my appointments with the surgeon but I have to wait for her to contact me. I hate waiting. When it comes to things like this I'm not a real patient person. I want to make my appointment now! Ok that's enough of my 2 yr old tantrum. Hopefully she'll contact me soon so I can schedule them. So far everything has been going fairly quickly. I would hate for it to come to a screeching halt because of this.
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My Dream

Last night I had the most interesting dream...   I going into surgery. When I got to the OR the doc put me under and when I woke up I was getting into the car with my husband going home. (Apparently I slept through everything! ) We got home and I'm sitting on the couch eating a burger. I kept thinking I shouldn't be eating this but by this time I had eating about half of it. I set it down and got up to go to the kitchen for my pain meds. When I got up I felt like I just had a baby. I was really sore in my stomach area and everything around me was moving in slow motion. Also I could feel like that burger was sitting in a ball in the middle of my chest. When I got to the kitchen my hubby was cooking. I told him I was getting my pain meds and that I should have taken them a while ago since I was in such pain now. Before I took my meds I lifted my shirt and looked at my stomach. I asked my hubby how bad it looked. All I could see were some steri strips on my stomach. Next thing I know I'm at the laundry mat doing my laundry which I thought was weird since I have a washer/dryer at home. We finished our loads and as we went outside to pack the car I started arguing with someone outside. Next thing I know my alarm was going off.   Weird huh? I'm thinking it's my subconcious telling me that I need to make sure I take it easy and not jump to different foods before my time. Or I'm just super excited about being closer to getting my surgery date. Today is my final psych eval and I'm hoping after this I can call the surgeon and make my first appointment with him.
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Psych Eval 1 down, 1 more to go

I just got back from meeting with the psych guy. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He basically wanted to see how extensive I had done my research. He wanted to know what would happen during the surgery and what I should expect afterward. He took down some information about my family and wanted to know why I wanted to have WLS. It was kind of like talking to your grandfather. He really put me at ease.   Next week I have to see him with my hubby so he can basically make sure I have a great support system at home. I know my hubby is a great supporter of anything that will help me gain a healthier lifestyle. I'm not so worried about that.
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nervousness, nervousness go away...DON'T come back another day

I'm sitting here in my office and I can't help but think about my upcoming psych eval this afternoon. I can't help but wonder what he'll ask me. What I'll answer. Will he trick me into saying something I don't want to say. Or will he bring up stuff that I've had buried within for years. :thumbup: I know I shouldn't feel this way. His secretary told me what this and my second session will be all about. I know this is just a formality that allows the surgeon and the psych doc to see if I am mentally prepared for what the future will bring once I have this surgery.   I called my hubby last night to tell him that I would call him after my appointment but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth. Really it is because I already knew what he was going to say...Don't be nervous. You have nothing to worry about. I tell myself that everyday. I overreact about the littlest things sometimes and he is such a rock. Thank GOD for him. You know we have been married WAY too long when I already know what he'll say to questions and statements I may make to him. :crying:
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Unorganized thoughts

Next week I have appointment #1 of the psych eval. I can't say that I'm nervous more curious than anything. I can't help but wonder what kind of questions he will ask me? Will he get deep into my past? Will he have the final say if I can go forward and meet with the doc?   My husband is a calm and cool. I told him how he has to attend appointment #2 with me and he's just like "okay". It's good that he's so calm about this because there are times when I'm bouncing off the walls.   I'm rambling I guess I just have a lot of thoughts going through my head and really don't know how to express them. From what I've read this can go on after the WLS. I say bring it on! As long as I have this blog I can write about the most mundane things. VIVA LA BLOG! VIVA LA BLOG!
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So glad I have this site to fall back on

This morning the office was slow so I had time to reflect on all the things I have happening in my life right now. MAN I'm still amazed that I'm going to have this surgery. Well it's not official yet but I am on my way. Yesterday I met with the nutritionist and she gave me some good pointers and I know I will be asking her a lot of questions come post-op. My husband well he's my husband. He's supportive and I know that he just wants to make sure I'm not looking at this with the goal of having a quick fix. I don't want a quick fix I want to work at getting the weight off with just a little extra help. Today I made my appointments for the psych eval. I have to attend one on my own and the second with my hubby. I know this will help him get a better understanding as to why I'm doing this and what to expect as time goes on.   Why am I doing this you may ask? Well other than the obvious I'm just tired. Tired of feeling uncomfortable in social situations because I'm the biggest one there. Tired of feeling like everyone is staring at me when I eat in public because since I'm big I've got to stuff my face. Tired of wearing the same clothes over and over again because I can't bring myself to buy new ones because I'm just going to get bigger and won't be able to wear that size again. I've told my hubby this he just gives me hugs and kisses and says it will be alright. He's trying to be understanding but sometimes you know the only people who truly understand are the one's that are going through the same thing.   I know I'm probably overly dramatic but this was on my mind today. Will this get better...OF COURSE! It will just take time and a little effort on my part and all those awkward feelings will go away. I can't wait to go into Pac Sun and buy a sundress to wear and not feel like I'm wearing a mumu.   Actually that may be a goal for me. When I hit my goal weight/size I'm going to buy a crap load of sundresses and wear them all summer. I'm going to have so many my husband is going to wonder if I have any jeans in my closet.
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1 appointment down umpteen more to go...

Today I just had my fitness eval and everything went great. He just spoke to me about how exercise is great for me and how I should exercise as much as possible. Since I'm already doing that I should have no trouble. I'm excited that I'm one step closer to receiving my surgery date! Tomorrow I have my nutritionist appointment and the bariatric coordinator told me that she will help me with a diet to get my weight down some before I actually have surgery. I'm looking forward to what she has in store for me. Also tomorrow I get to schedule my psych eval since my nutritionist is first thing in the morning I can schedule that right afterwards. I'm still so psyched about this everyday I know I've made the right decision. I'm finally putting myself first. :cursing:
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1 appointment down umpteen more to go...

Today I just had my fitness eval and everything went great. He just spoke to me about how exercise is great for me and how I should exercise as much as possible. Since I'm already doing that I should have no trouble. I'm excited that I'm one step closer to receiving my surgery date! Tomorrow I have my nutritionist appointment and the bariatric coordinator told me that she will help me with a diet to get my weight down some before I actually have surgery. I'm looking forward to what she has in store for me. Also tomorrow I get to schedule my psych eval since my nutritionist is first thing in the morning I can schedule that right afterwards. I'm still so psyched about this everyday I know I've made the right decision. I'm finally putting myself first. :cursing:
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Just realized...

I never really paid much attention how I ate. Ever since I went to the seminar on Thursday I've been trying to chew my food throughly and not have liquids too soon before and after a meal. It's been hard but I've been doing good. My plan is to get used to eating that way so when the time comes all I have to worry about is knowing how much to eat.   WOW :eek:, I never realized how little time I spend chewing my food. I always thought I spent average time eating and that everyone else was slow. :cursing: I must admit because I thought about how I was chewing my food and actually made an effort to chew it to a pulp it took me a while to eat and I didn't even eat it all. Which is rare for me especially since I was eating seafood. :tt1: YUM! Another regular thing during a meal is regular refills of my drink. I had a few sips of water before my meal but didn't touch it again until after I was about to leave. Doing this helped me not have that rolly polly feeling after dinner. I guess all those times when I felt I was going to pop when all I had was 7 chicken wings is because I was fully of water too.   It just amazes me the things you notice when you take the time. :thumbup:
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Feeling kind of depressed at the moment

Yesterday when I got home from the seminar I was in a great mood. Just meeting with the doctor and some of his patients really helped me know that I have done the right thing. When I got home I told my hubby all about what I learned and how exciting it was to see how WLS has changed the lives of these ladies. All he could say is that the doctor has not done lap bands before. I told him it was because he wanted to wait until it was in the US for a while and that there was long term evidence of the benefits of it (He even addressed this in the seminar). He even studied under the doctor that brought it to the US. He has trained in performing the lap band surgery and does all his surgeries laproscopicly (sp?). I told hubby this and still all he could do was nit pic. It really put a downer on my mood. I tried to explain to him that I know that the doctor is just now offering it and I have done research in his background. He has been doing bariatric surgeries for years and this is the only thing he does. He is a very hands on doctor and is really supportive in your recovery and during and after your weight loss journey. When I initially told hubby that I was going to do the lap band I thought he was supportive. I told him I've done research and was not going into this with my eyes closed. I mean why would anybody just wake up one day and decide that they were going to have surgery. I hate having surgery. I don't like being put under but I've decided that this is the best thing for me in the long run. I just found out today that I have border line high cholesterol and high blood pressure. :thumbup: I'm trying not to get angry at him because I know it's his way of being worried and trying to watch out for me but he also needs to trust in my decision and put trust in my doctor. I have trust in him and if I didn't trust his skills and his abilities to do the surgery successfully I WOULD NOT be going to him. Even today I told my mother what I am going to do and she even laid into me about how I'm going to have to change and hinted at I could do it on my own. If I could have done it on my own I wouldn't be overweight to begin with. But I know my mother means well and loves me but at that moment I was just looking for someone to be excited about how I am taking charge of my health and doing something positive. Seems like the only people I'm getting it from these days are my close friends. :thumbdown: I'm not going to let these things change my mind about the surgery. Now I'm more determined then ever to have it done. If I have to have it with no support then so be it. I'm doing this for me anyways.
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Don't know why I'm nervous

I think because everything was so up in the air before I got approved that now it is sinking in that I could be banded soon. Tonight I have my first seminar and there I get the numbers of the people I have to meet with before I get my surgery date. I know nothing is set in stone until you get your surgery date but I still can't help but have butterflies in my stomach. I know this is something I want to do but I guess it still doesn't feel like it's going to happen until it is actually happening. Damn military living. LOL If you are a military spouse you would understand the concept of not being sure of anything until it's actually happening. Even then it still can be changed. I'm excited to see what information I get from this class. I'm sure I'll learn more than what I have gathered myself. Also I can't wait to meet other people that have had it done also. At least this way I can get an overview of how this doctor is and how their hospital stay was. I can't wait until this day will be over. I know driving to the seminar I'll be smiling the whole way. LOL :thumbdown:
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The Dieter's Prayer

Lord, grant me the strength, That I may not fall, Into the clutches of cholesterol. The road to hell is paved with butter, Cake is cursed, cream is awful, And Satan is hiding in every waffle. Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, Lucifer is a lollipop. Teach me the evils of Hollandaise, Of pasta and mayonnaise, And crisp fried chicken from the South. If you love me, Lord, shut my mouth
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My To Do List:

Ok I've talked with my surgeon's nurse and she told me that I have to do the following in this order: Get approval from TriCare (done)
Attend 2 seminars & fill out necessary paperwork (1st on 5/22)
Make appointments to see nutritionist & fitness guru
Make appointment for psych eval
See surgeon for possible surgery date
I'm hoping all this goes smoothly. I'm psyched and completely motivated. Also during this whole process I have to get my BMI down to 50 which is doable for me since I'm only at 51. I only have to lose 3-5 lbs to get there. Actually if you use my correct height I'm already at 50. I'm about 5'6.5" but I go by 5'6". :thumbdown:
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Finally approved!

I called my insurance provider and found out that I was approved today. I'm so happy. Tomorrow I'm going to contact the surgeon's nurse to get contact info for all the people I have to see before I get a surgery date. I'm hoping to get appointments soon so I can get the ball rolling. I really hate waiting to do stuff. I know I know I'm impatient. :thumbdown:
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Frustration

I think that I'm getting frustrated because I'm so excited to embark on this journey. I called insurance provider and they told me that there still was no referral in the system for me. I told them that my PCM's nurse verified that it was put in on Wednesday. I called my doc's nurse and she told me that my doctor actually put in a referral for me to see the General Surgery department at the naval hospital here. I was so upset when I heard this. Here I was freaking out wondering why my referral was not at least popping up as pending when it's because I was calling the wrong department. Turns out I'll have to see the General Surgeon on base and then he will decide to put in the referral for the lap band through TriCare. I called GS to see if they had my information so I can make an appointment as soon as possible but the lady who does that was out of the office for the moment. I'm getting very impatient already and I know it's not going to be accomplished all in one day but I can't help myself. I'm just letting things get to me that shouldn't. I just need to take a deep breath and relax. WHOO-SA!
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Better than I thought

I just told my hubby that I'm going through the steps to have the lap band done. He was surprisingly receptive to the idea. He just said that I thought that is what I needed to do then he was all for it. For some reason I thought he would try to talk me out of it by saying all I needed was a good diet and exercise but he already knew about the lap band and what I had to do once I had it done. Apparently he did his own research, I can only assume because he was thinking of bringing it up to me attention. Who knows? The only thing I'm happy about is how he reacted and he even said to let him know how everything goes with my appointments. I was stressing for nothing.
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