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Blog 37200

A blog by cherieinnv

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Two steps backward

I have really had a bad two weeks. I did great with weeks 1 and 2, but once I could eat "real food" I started overeating, even when it hurt. I don't seem to have any restriction and I know this is "bandster hell" but I am unhappy with myself. I gained weight back and went into a major depression, which I am just overcoming. I know this is a learning experience but I didn't expect it to be so hard. I wanted to be one of those inspiring people, and here I am falling on my face. Well, all I can do is try again. I lost 30 lbs before surgery and I may go back to what I was eating then, since it worked before. I'm so grateful to my penpals from this site, who helped me forgive myself and haven't been at all critical. I look forward to my fills but am afraid that Dr. Teng will be angry with me. He can get really upset with patients who don't do what they are told. Luckily I have some support group meetings coming up. And I have this week to myself, so maybe I can get back on track if I have no kids to cook for.

July 21, 2008

6

Products from GNC and a Laugh

I went to GNC today and found a liquid Amino protein that is going to help me get the protein I need after surgery. They also have herbal liquid iron, which claims not to constipate. I also bought the Trader Joe's soy protein powder in vanilla. Yuck! Chalky! I added Wyler's Lite fruit punch to make it easier to swallow. I may just stick to soy milk and add the amino protein. It HAS to taste better. I made a mistake today and tried to eat just protein drinks and ended up losing control and eating a big dinner. A huge salad, steak, veggies. Not exactly bonbons, but more than I meant to eat. I have my last exam with the surgeon Wednesday and want a loss, not a lecture. Here's a funny story, though: A woman I work with has a big candy bowl that I avoid. She must have filled it with new candy, because she put the old candy by the coffee pot, which I visit and walk past. I made it all morning and then at 2 p.m., I took 1 chocolate but left it on my desk. I even put a sticky note on it that said 12 Days! (until surgery). I finally cracked and opened it and took a small bite. The phone rang and I answered with the chocolate still in my mouth. It was the surgeon's office reminding me of my appointment! I had to talk around the chocolate because I suddenly didn't want it. As soon as I could, I spit it into the wrapper and threw it all away. What are they, the psychic hotline??:biggrin:

June 17, 2008

4

Pregnancy test????

The good news is that I lost 2 more lbs! I had my last exam today and found out I have a hiatal hernia that needs to be repaired. I have my doubts since I have no reflux. The surgeon told me and another patient that we couldn't gain any weight between now and the surgery or he wouldn't operate. Or at least not more than 5 lbs. I don't plan to gain weight but I'll admit it was motivating. Oh, here's something funny. One of the tests on the list for the hospital is a pregnancy test! What a waste of time! I'm 50, my tubes were tied and burned, I'm done with menopause, and haven't had sex in 2 years! Immaculate conception is always a possibility, I guess! I took my prescriptions to be filled (1 for nausea, one for gas, one for pain). I still have to buy the two bottles of stuff that will clean me out the day before surgery (myoplex or something like that). It sounds like I will miss a third day of work next week for the hospital tests. Oh well, good thing I have sick time and vacation time. Well, I have to get ready for bed. Counting down is hard work!

June 19, 2008

4

Embarrassed by Bad Day

I didn't post yesterday because I went into some kind of downward spiral. I am supposed to be on the preop diet but my son wanted to go out to breakfast with me. He is 12 and I am happy whenever he wants to spend time with me. So we went to our favorite breakfast place and I had a very unhealthy breakfast, and I'll admit, I really enjoyed it. I found out my son loves US history and is a wealth of information about all wars. It was wonderful! But then I grocery shopped and bought things "the kids" would like. I did have a nice salad for lunch (fat free) but ate pizza (2 slices) and popcorn at night. I feel sick today and disgusted with myself, but read through all my hospital paperwork and through these forums and I think my head is on straight again. Nothing but protein shakes today and I'm giving the apartment a good scrubbing so it is clean when I go for surgery Friday. I only work 2 days this week and go to the hospital Wednesday for preadmittance tests. Thursday is my magnesium citrate day at home. The Friday is the big day. I'm having a hard time with my daughter, 16, who is my support person. She and I had a falling out and she is not speaking to me. Thank God for this forum. She did something wrong but I am the one suffering. Oh well, I screwed up but now I am ready to face the music. I was embarrassed to post this because there are so many inspiring people on this board and I would like to be one of them, but I am more of a "fall on your face and then get up again" personality. Luckily, I always get up, and that is where my strength lies. Perfection is for other people. Thanks to the people who comment on my blog. It means a lot to me.

June 22, 2008

4

I'm Banded!

I'm home. I think I am doing great, although energy level is waaaay down. I am able to sleep lying down, but alternate between bed and recliner (pillows behind back feel great!) My surgery went well and they took me in 5 mins after I got there, and I got there 25 mins early. They prepped me right away and then there was some waiting before the tw Dr. Teng's came in--one brother is the surgeon and the other is the anesthesiologist. I don't remember the anesthesia at all! The last thing I kind of remember is being wheeled into surgery. It's one big blank after that. I'm not even sure when I woke up. I had a room to myself and it was very nice. This was definitely the best hospital care I ever had. I had a male nurse the first night. It was a littlr weird being helped onto the toilet by a guy, but he was so kind and considerate, I felt like I had a private nurse. He brought me lemon swabs for my mouth and they felt so good! I pushed myself to walk and tried to walk every 3 hours, then I would get back in bed and ask for pain meds--Demerol--which I could have every 3 hours on request. I decided, why hurt? But I never rated my pain higher than a 5 on a scale of 10. I also tried to do an extra lap around the nurse's station every time I walked. I was given Heperin for clotting and wore stockings that inflated and squeezed my legs. It was sort of comforting. The bed was noy especially comfortable but I was told the beds were chosen because they could hold up to 1000 lbs! It was sort of ironic that I only told my one sister I was having surgery, then the other sister called with an "emergency question." I decided to wait to call her back. Now that it's over, I want to tell my parents. The sister I told has been so supportive. I wasn't sure how she would react because she works out a lot and eats right so I thought she would tell me just to diet, I am rambling here, but will use this for my blog and Jazzy Junes entry. The upper GI wasn't too bad although I had to drink an iodine solution that tasted terrible. I actually missed the berium solution! But they said if there is a leak, iodine is just absorbed by the body while berium would cause problems. I asked a lot of questions! When I got back from the test, I had clean sheets and a newspaper, plus towels and a fresh gown. Sunday morning, Dr. Teng's office manager showed up with a vase of red roses and a "Congrats on your new life" note. I haven't gotten flowers in 10 years! What a treat! My "meals" were hilarious, I even took a picture that I will post. The guy who brought my meal was sort of apologetic, so I started being a wise ass and said, "Wow! That looks delicious!" The funny thing was that I couldn't finish my meal at breakfast OR lunch. I sipped my broth, then took tiny mouthfuls of jello. I felt some pressure and thought, "Maybe I should stop," then took another bite and thought, "Definitely time to stop." I saved my Crystal Lite for 30 mins. I never realized I gulp my drinks, That may be the hardest old habit to overcome. I didn't get discharged until around 5 pm Sunday. A friend was kind enough to pick me up. It felt so great to be home and sitting in my recliner. I didn't even have much trouble with the stairs to my apartment, I just took them slow. I still have gas pains and am taking Lortab solution for it. I haven't bothered with the GasX or prescription for reflux or nausea. I will probably go back to bed soon and read, then sleep. I am reading a really good, funny book called Around the Next Corner by Elizabeth Wrenn. It's about a 50ish mom who feels invisible and needs meaning in her life, so she adopts a foster puppy to raise for a year and then give to a blind person. My sister said to have tissues ready at the end! I had lost 2 more lbs when I weighed in before surgery, but when I got home, I weighed 5 lbs heavier. I'm not sweating it, it's fluid or something. God knows, it wasn't the big meals! I can't believe I wrote all this, I feel so blessed that everything went well for me!

June 29, 2008

4

Hard Day

Today was a hard day. I thought I had low blood sugar but it checked at 122, so it may be low blood pressure. I drank a bottle of Special K water and felt better, and made sure to take my multi and iron today. I see Dr. Teng Wednesday for my followup visit. I feel like I am doing everything right, so no fears. My post surgery weight is back to my presurgery weight (swelling is going down) and I hope to see losses again soon, but I am so happy to be 30 lbs thinner and to have come through the surgery with no complications, that all I see ahead of me are positive things. I cooked chicken for my daughter tonight but asked her to take it out when it was done and put everything away so I wouldn't be tempted. I had my chicken broth but added a little ramen seasoning, which increases the calories but tastes so satisfying. I did a load of laundry tonight for my daughter, who is going to LA Weds. am with friends and is overwhelmed and exhausted. The only hard thing for me is bending to pick up laundry out of the hamper, but I am doing squats the best that I can. When I do lean forward, it's no longer the stabbing pain that it was 2 days ago. I talked to my boss today and said I expect to be back at work after the holiday. I know the first week back will be tough, but you recover faster if you get up on your feet. Just losing weight and being lighter will make it easier every day. I don't have to pack a lunch either. I'm required to use a boxed protein drink in week 2 at lunchtime. Hope it tastes OK. I may try a short drive to the store tomorrow. I don't see why I can't drive if I feel up to it. I want to start doing WII Fitness this week. It's easier than going outside into the 110 degree Las Vegas heat. I look forward to feeling cooler but it hasn't happened yet. Another bandster says she isn't hot all the time. That would be great.

July 1, 2008

4

There's a pattern here

OK, I've identified a pattern. I do well for a week or two, go to the gym, eat right, lose weight. Then I lose my grip and stop going to the gym, eat too much, eat chocolate, gain a few. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? Tonight, I argued with myself as I drove home from work. I could have gone to the gym but I couldn't decide and then I was past the exit. I like the support group I found but can't remember when it meets. Hopefully, I'll find info here. People at work got laid off today. I'm still OK but that means more work, more stress, and I feel so sad for my co-workers. I hurt when I eat too much. Tomorrow I am getting my act together again. I know I am rambling but I am tired and stressed. I don't understand where I am at with my new boyfriend. We are talking daily and email but the conversations aren't much. He says we will talk about "us" when he comes to town again this month. I like him alot but am wondering if I am just lonely and will happily take anybody who likes me. No, I've rejected plenty of guys. I like this one, but I have a problem trusting anyone because of past deceit. Too much rambling. Going to bed now.

September 5, 2008

3

Zip Fizz really does FIZZZ!

A friend bought a drink mix called Zip Fizz and gave me a few packets to flavor my disgusting vanilla protein drinks. I was sitting at my desk at work and put water, protein powder, and Zip Fizz in my shaker cup, gave it a dozen shakes, then started to unscrew the top. My pink drink fizzed out all over my hand and the carpet. Gee, I wonder if that's why they call it Zip FIZZ? The drink that was left tasted OK, but I still prefer Special K powder drink mix as an "additive" for flavor. Thanks to the people who read yesterday's blog and made comments. I was really excited that anyone read my blog. I thought this was kind of a "Dear Diary" thing that was keeping me from going crazy. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without this support board. My friends are supportive but we all work and barely have time to talk somedays. My daughter is 16 and can barely cope with being 16, and my son is 12 and I don't want to worry him. My co-workers says things like "People have heart attacks from not eating enough, you know...like Karen Carpenter!" The fact that she was anorexic over a long period of time...oh well, this is educational for everyone. I'm getting good at saying, "I'm sorry, but you're misinformed." I heard from the psychic surgeon's office again and they gave me my surgery time: 2:30 pm. June 27. I asked if they had anything earlier and they said they would move me up if anyone cancels. I assume I can't eat and, as a diabetic, I'll be running on fumes by noon. They may be able to skip the anesthesia! I'm just happy I lost 2 more lbs! Woo hoo! I have to go update my ticker now.:biggrin:

June 18, 2008

3

Mutating

Today is the first day I see a difference in my face since I started losing weight. I don't look puffy or as old. I'll admit, I stood and looked for a minute or two. I've spent so many years NOT looking. I look at my hair to brush it, my teeth to floss, my blouse to see if it is buttoned right. But I avoid the big (really big) picture. Today, I met my eyes in the mirror and saw someone I remember looking back. This is a good thing since I am a little worried about losing myself. I've been chubby, voluptuous, fat, and obese. If I was thin, I barely remember, so the thin me is a stranger. I worry that I may not like her... Sorry, just a little reflective tonight. One week from tomorrow, I get banded.

June 20, 2008

3

2 days to go!

I can't believe I am getting banded in 2 days. After all the waiting and paperwork and qualifying...it is almost here. I am calmer now and am having some fun with my "look." I cut my hair short and it looks much healthier. I also bought some new eye makeup and experimented. I spent 4 hours today at the hospital, talking to the head of the bariatric program, doing tests like peeing in a cup and having blood drawn and another EKG. I panicked for a minute because I didn't know the hospital would want money up front, but luckily I've already met my deductible and "$2000 out of pocket" for the year because I already gave the surgeon a $2000 deposit. I was planning to use that money for clothes when I get it back, but it may end up going back to the hospital. I had a protein shake for breakfast but ate too much for lunch and dinner. Nothing like I used to eat but more than is comfortable now. I think I needed to feel one more time what "full" felt like. Tomorrow I do clears only and they told me to drink Gatorade. I also drink 2 bottles of magnesium citrate. "Don't go far from a toilet" they said. hahahaha...ewww

June 26, 2008

3

Last Blog Entry Before Banding

I leave for the hospital at noon. A friend is driving me. I can't eat or drink but brushed teeth twice and am rinsing mouth. Yes, I am nervous but have faith in my surgeon, Dr. Teng. My daughter is sleeping; we hugged goodbye last night. My son is at summer school. I'll call him from the hospital. I'm not taking much to the hospital. They have gowns you can put on like a robe and booties, although my sandals can be worn like slippers. I am taking a change of clothes, 2 books, my cell phone, my makeup and brush. I just cut my hair really short and "tipped" it blonde, so it requires little care. I look cute, I think. I think I will weigh myself before getting dressed. I've been warned that the scale at the hospital weighs heavy. I don't want to get scolded! I feel like a little kid! Well, that's it. I'm signing off. I'll be home Saturday but will be in a Lortab haze this weekend. Hugs to all! Thanks for all the support. Sharon

June 27, 2008

3

Third Fill Tomorrow

I see my surgeon tomorrow for my 3rd fill. I was banded 5 months ago and have gained some weight back. I don't think the doctor is going to be very happy with me, but I have next to no restriction except on the day I have a fill. Yes, I stopped going to the gym and have been eating too much. I'm hoping that this 3rd fill actually makes a difference on how much I can eat. Dr. Teng is very conservative with fills and I am going to ask that he get more aggressive this time. If I could only drink protein drinks the rest of my life, I would cope. My teen daughter even said she was disappointed in how I am doing. I did better in the pre-band stage than I've done since the band. I told her you don't get restriction until the third fill. I hope it's true. I still feel so much better than I did, and I went back to the gym yesterday. I am dealing with the emotional side of my weight by going to on-line Overeaters Anon. meetings, and it helps tremendously. I underestimated how much food can be an addiction, but I am fighting it now every day. Let's hope I haven't gained more than 10 lbs back. I need to get back down to the -50 mark and then start losing again. We'll see what happens with fill #3!

November 24, 2008

2

Third Fill

Thanks for the encoragement, Michellelei! It wasn't as bad as I thought. I only gained 2 1/2 lbs. Dr. Teng gave me a lecture, though. He said I'm the quarterback of the team and I have to be willing to go for the touchdown/ My 3rd fill was a little bit more intense than the first two. I asked the doctor to be more aggressive, he said no, but then said he put in so much it was squirting back out. For the first time, I could hear gurgling when I drank the water. I was able to drink coffee and a small yogurt later on. I am hopeful that I'll make it through the holidays.

November 25, 2008

2

Lots of changes

I haven't posted in over a month, but my life is changing and I am working hard to keep up my progress, since I had a few hard weeks. I started eating bad stuff around my bday (cake, etc.) and my blood sugar went high for the first time since surgery. I forgot how sick I used to feel! It scared the hell out of me and I am being a very conscientious eater now, going to the gym, etc. I got my first fill last week and I can feel the difference. Right after the fill, I tried to eat a small sandwich and started gagging after 4 bites. I stood over the sink for 10 mins, wondering if it was going to be this bad forever, but I was better by dinner. My appetite is way down and I fill up very quickly. I found a support group that actually talks about the emotional side of this surgery, which I needed. I think it will really help me. I also found a potential boyfriend via the Internet. We have been talking 2x day for over a month and we meet today. He likes big girls but I told him about the surgery and he said no biggie. I hope it works out. Gotta go do laundry. Best of luck to all!

August 24, 2008

2

Full liquids

I am so much happier on full liquids. I enjoy having soup. I found a really good Campbell's soup (in a box) that is red pepper and black bean. It was delicious! I go back to work tomorrow. Sigh...but the routine will do me good. I just wish I had more energy. But I can't hide out in my apartment forever! I drank V-8 today and it tasted really good. I am drinking a protein drink for lunch (Novarti) that is for bariatric patients. It tastes pretty good but I can only make it last 30 mins., and I am supposed to drink it for an hour! I'm not sure how to do that. Oh well, you can only do your best.

July 6, 2008

2

22 pounds down and 2 weeks to go!

I lost another pound and broke 290 today. Hurray! This is my reward for only eating 2 small bites of pizza last night when I ordered it for the kids. I am getting to be an expert salad maker. I am alternating eating protein shakes one day and solid foods the next, and this seems to be working for me. If I get hungry, I drink a can of V8 or have the Special K powder drink, which does help cut my hunger. I like the fruit flavor and mix it with my protein powder and water and it tastes good. I'm going to see if I can order it on-line cheaper than they sell it in the stores. I had success buying the required protein drink from Novarti.com. I only need it once a day for a week. It was only $15.99 and free shipping. I picked strawberry cuz caramel sounds gross. I'm working like a fiend at work to try to get everything in good shape before my surgery but the work just pours in. Oh well, it'll be there when I get back. My mood is good and I'm only a little nervous. It helps to hear back from the Jazzy Junes on how they are doing. I hope I'm jazzy, too!

June 13, 2008

1

Crazy countdown

I am feeling like a lunatic this weekend. I can't focus on anything and am shopping like a nut. Nothing too outgrageous, but I don't act like this. I've bought 3 pairs of flip flops, sports sandals, a lounging gown that I plan to wear home from the hospital, a new fan for the living room, protein powder, more broth, liquid Tylenol, Gas-x strips, weird cream soups, baby oatmeal, food I hate that my kids can eat, and other stuff. I keep forgetting to eat, which isn't good for a diabetic. OK, feeling calmer. ...I see my surgeon this week for my preop exam. I have to sign papers of consent, and pay a $2000 deposit, which sucks. Since I have to use a Carecredit card, they are chargin me $160! What's up with that? Ok, be calm...be the rock, be the sky... I have a dozen things I should be doing but am not doing any of it. Oh! Here's something cool! I went to my closet yesterday and discovered that clothes that have never buttoned, now fit me, I was so excited that I started pulling shirts from the back of my closet to try on. My pants are loose, too. Can I just have the surgery this week, please? I am too worked up. Let's just do it!!! I really am going to go crazy while I count down :w00t:the days.

June 15, 2008

1

1 lb away from 50!

I'm so excited! I am only 1 lb away from the 50-lb mark. I got my 2nd fill today and the surgeon said I was "right on track." I lost 30 lb before the surgery so "only" 19 since surgery on June 27, 2008, but I am happy that the scale is finally moving again. It was almost comical how it never budge from 269. I am staying home from the gym tonight but have been going religiously, which helps with the stress and mood. I am also doing well with "head hunger" since I started researching food addiction and admitted I have an addiction that is easily triggered by some foods. I have 1 good support group and just found another for eating disorders which I will attend next month. I see my family for the first time in 3 years later this month. I hope they can see a difference!!

October 9, 2008

1

And the Band Plays On...

And the Band Plays on… DAY 1: Today isn’t really Day 1. It took me 2 years to decide to have gastric band (lap-band) surgery. I’m well into the process, too. I’ve attended Dr. Teng’s (surgeon) seminar, which was like a cattle call of the morbidly obese, plus some folks who looked just plump to me. I had my first consultation with the very pleasant and to-the-point doctor, who says I can get down to 165 (!!!!). I had a very intrusive but enlightening psychological profile. I’ve met with a very slim dietician, who says he thinks I’ll get into the 180-190 range and told me losing weight before the surgery reduces the size of your liver and makes the surgery easier. I have created a chronological diet history (a real walk down memory lane) and assembled all required medical proof of obesity for Aetna EXCEPT for 2004. (I have 2003, but not 04.) I need medical records for 5 years and in 2004 I was out of work and living on Ramen. A doctor’s visit was a luxury, with no insurance. But I recall a visit to my oby-gyn for anti-depressants, and I have requested my records in writing, since she has retired without passing on her records. So far, no reply. I’m trying not to stress since everything else is falling into place like dominos. If I don’t have the records this week, I may knock on the doctor’s door this Friday (yes, I have her address). Or perhaps a certified letter would be less obnoxious. I’ve learned to trust Dr. Teng’s staff for help when I think I’ve hit a roadblock, like the $2,000 deposit. They told me about getting a CareCredit Card (geonlineservice.com) for medical expenses. I was approved for $2,000, no problem (even without perfect credit) and I almost wish I’d asked for more. I’m not sure how much the hospital will be after insurance. A little history: Chubby kid who was fed a nutritious diet and had plenty of exercise. Can anyone say “Genetics played a role” in this body? I was introduced to diet pills in high school by my boyfriend’s doctor and starved to the 150-160 range. In college, pizza and a new awareness of the evils of amphetamines took me to 180-190. For my wedding day after graduation, I starved into a Size 14, the best I could do. I started overeating BEFORE the honeymoon started. We stopped for food AFTER the reception. I’m surprised the wedding dress didn’t burst! My husband was chunky, too. I yo-yo’d for 9 years and got way up into the 200s. I even did the binge/purge thing to try to stay at an acceptable weight. I worked out. I fought the good fight. Once, I went on an 800 calorie a day diet and worked out for an hour a day. I lost a ton of weight but then hurt myself at the gym and spent the next 3 months with my leg in a cast and Nacho pity parties at night. After my first divorce, I went on the Divorce Diet Diet Coke, coffee, alcohol) and looked pretty good. I met my second husband, fell in love, got married, ended up with two great kids and eventually, another divorce. I packed on plenty of weight before, during, and after the pregnancies, but the divorce diet and exercise took a lot of it off. Then my health started going to hell. Eventually, I was diabetic and 315 lbs. But there has to be a Day 1, so I am proclaiming this day as Numero Uno because I am following the dietician’s pre-op diet for the first time. Before I started this process, I lost 6 lbs and was up and down until settling at 298. Meeting the dietician made me throw a “Nobody can make me do this!” tantrum of eating for a few days. I realized last night that it was entirely up to me. So today, I’m following the diet. You may find some recipes in this blog. I make no claims at being a great cook. I do love to “invent” recipes, so I will be trying to create edible meals. I bought tiny bowls, a small food processor, and will use my children’s old baby spoons to eat. I am using Andrew Lessman’s Secure shakes (powder) because it’s in my cabinet. Once it’s gone, I’ll buy the ones recommended by Brandon, the dietician. I am checking off days on the diet sheet because I have 7 days until my appointment with Dr. Teng when all the paperwork is submitted to Aetna. Then, we see if I get approval or a fight. They supposedly approve this surgery. Food so far today: Brkfast: 8 oz choc soy milk 2 scoops protein powder 4 oz OJ 8 oz V8 1 cup coffee Lunch: 2 scoops protein powder in water Handful broccoli florets, ground up in food processor and microwaved with 2 oz shredded parmesan cheese, 1 tsp diet margarine, garlic powder. (not bad) Dinner: OK, dinner didn’t go so well. I was hungry at 3 pm so I ate a banana. At dinner, I had a cup of rice, a T diet margarine, an entire pork chop, and a large serving or asparagus. Any other night, that would be OK, but it’s more than twice what I was supposed to eat. This will be easier when I am banded and get full easily! I’m determined to do better tomorrow! Day 2 Today went better and I followed my diet except for two of the 100 cal snacks and some sunflower seeds at night. I find that the whole ordeal of shelling the seeds and chewing them to pulp keeps my mind off other treats. I am upset today about a couple of things but I can deal with them. I think another long, hot bath tonight and submerged (except face) meditation is in order. It felt good last night until the A/C came on with a whoosh and broke my focus. Food today: Breakfast: 8 oz soy mile and two scoops protein powder 1 small banana 4 oz berry Cheerios Snack: 100 cal Sun chips Lunch: Broccoli with lemon pepper 4 oz shrimp 2 scoops protein powder in water Snack: Coffee and 100 cal cookies Dinner: 3 oz turkey burger with mustard and onions (no bun) Green beans 2 oz frozen defrosted berries Snack: sunflower seeds I still haven’t received the medical records from 2004. I guess I need to send a registered letter but am a little short on cash. I’ll call Dr. Teng’s office tomorrow to get Tina’s advice. The weirdest thing happened recently. I met a guy for coffee from an on-line dating site. He sounded OK on the phone and I said I was heavyset. He was nice enough and intelligent but no chemistry for me. I think he liked me, though, which is awkward. I even told him about the upcoming (I hope) lapband surgery and he was very negative and full of misinformation that “a friend” had given him. I told him he was misinformed. Although we did meet later and walked our dogs in a nearby park (very public) and I enjoyed talking to him, I just don’t have time for someone right now who has to be convinced that this is the right decision for me. It took me 2 years of research and soul searching before I made this decision. I think I’d better hold off on dating until after the surgery. Then the deed is done. Of course, then if I meet someone I’ll always wonder if he would still like me as a fat woman… Day 3 I do not feel well today. I didn’t sleep well last night and today I feel like my blood sugar is all over the place. I ate the same breakfast as yesterday but felt really light-headed at 9:30, so I ate another 2 oz of cheerios. I was starving at noon and had half a turkey bacon sandwich and skipped the shake. Now I feel dizzy … like I ate at a buffet. I may go lie down for a bit. Met a possible “band buddy” on-line last night. Her name is Mary and she is a retired nurse. She sounds close to the same stage in the process and I know I could use some moral support.

June 1, 2008

1

Jumping Ahead a Little

I started that detailed journal (previous blog entries) weeks ago. Things have changed a lot. I have a surgery date: June 27th. Yahoo! But the weirdest thing happened, as soon as I got the date, I was nervous as hell. But that, too, has passed. I have met Mary, and am happy to have a "band buddy." She has her surgery next Thursday and it is nice to be able to reassure someone else! She is kind enough to have offered to drive me to the hospital and stay with my daughter, who wants to come with, then drive my daughter home. My daughter is almost ready to drive but isn't licensed yet, so this is a blessing. Another change is that I started swimming again at the local rec center. In just the two years that I stopped swimming because I had such awful psoriasis, my body strength has dropped, especially my leg strength. So, besides swimming an easy side stroke and back stroke, I use a kickboard and do 2 or 3 laps justing kicking my feet. I barely move! I also feel like a giant goober. My swimsuit is old and stretched out but I refuse to buy anything new until after banding and going down one size. When I am not on this website, I "fantasy shop" at sites like Victorias Secret, which has surprisingly cute clothes. I told Mary I am a complete fashion victim with no clothes sense. She has said she will help me shop. I also watch What Not to Wear to try to determine some basic clothes rules. I am tall and have really long arms and legs so have always done better buying men's clothes, which are too big in the shoulders. I've always been to fat for the Tall womens clothes, and they are often too expensive. I am not going to detail my food, like I did at first. I have found that this is a very emotional journey and I need a place to vent those emotions. I also want to share anything I discover along the way, like this morning, I decided to open up the two medications I take daily and see if I could mix them with applesauce. I opened both capsules into a small bowl, mixed in one small spoonful of organic applesauce, mixed well, spooned it into one spoonful, held nose and swallowed. It worked! No horrible taste, no gagging. It worked so well, I decided to try it with my vitamins. I take Andrew Lessman vitamins because I think they are the best. His capsules pull apart and the ingredients are finely ground. So I opened the CoQ10, the Eye Support, and the MSM (for joints), mixed with applesauce, held nose, swallowed, and GAG, almost RETCH. Ewww! Sorry, Andrew. I love your vitamins, but these weren't even the pack of multis I take. I will be going to the bariatric site for liquid vitamins. I'll use chewables as a fallback, since I don't think chewables are absorbed well (dinosaur shapes do appeal to me, though). OK, I doubt I'll write this much every day, but things are spilling out. I keep slipping off the 1200-cal preop diet. Yesterday, in a BIG way. My daughter suggested lunch at the Tbird lounge, which has the world's best friend mushrooms. I crumpled like a paper bag under a semi's tires. I didn't eat the bread for my steak sandwich, and only a few fries and about a third of the mushrooms, but I was soooo angry at myself. I didn't eat dinner, and then ended up eating microwave popcorn. What a mess! Now it's Sunday, and I am still drinking coffee and haven't eaten (except for 2 spoonfuls of applesauce). Being diabetic, I have to eat, so I'll go make my protein shake now. I know, don't beat myself up...I guess this is why I am getting banded.

June 1, 2008

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Stuck again...

I was so happy to break my last plateau and hit the 20-lb loss, but now I'm stuck again. I got on the scale today, expecting a loss, but I was where I was 4 days ago. BIG SIGH! Oh well, I'm excited that my new friend Mary is having her surgery tomorrow. I think I am about to get really serious and start on just protein shakes for the 2 weeks before surgery. Yikes! It's almost here. I feel like food is losing it's hold on me. At work today they had a free cookout and I decided to take my lunch and stay on target. Well, gotta go!

June 5, 2008

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Cleaning Day

I think I am up to cleaning house today. I am 6 days post-op and have little pain and little hunger. I crave foods like crazy--right now it's a tuna melt-- but will try to make it through the week on clear liquids, though I started adding a small protein shake in the evening for comfort and protein. I am going to have to get out all my boxed up clothes and see what I have in the next size. I hope my daughter doesn't hate me but I may raid her closet once in awhile and see if anything fits. I am fine with wearing 1 or 2 outfits until I drop a size. I need to start exercising and may enlist my son's help. If he will walk the dog with me at night, I'll walk. Unfortunately, I injured my heel a few eeks ago and it is hard to walk, but I bought some gel insoles that should help. Now I just wonder if I can bend over to get my gym shoes laced! My port site is much less painful when I bend, so I think I can do it. Time to get the house cleaned up so I can enjoy the holiday tomorrow. I might try to go to the movies and fireworks. I think getting out the last 2 days has built up my strength. Remember: That Which Does Not Kill Us Makes Us Stronger!

July 3, 2008

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Weekends

It's the weekend and I'm going to try to ramp up my weight loss by just drinking protein drinks (1200 cals). If I am starving, I will eat some veggies. I told my son (12) yesterday about my surgery, just in case anything goes wrong, also to explain why I am not eating much. He was not happy to hear I wouldn't be his big, cuddly mom anymore and asked if I would become anorexic. He offered to stay with me after my surgery, but I said I'll just want to sleep and be bitchy. I also don't want to watch him eat, to be honest. I heard from Mary, who was banded Thursday, and she sounds like she is doing great. I'll let her post her details. I need to wake my daughter (16) for a drivers ed class (no car driving!) that runs 2 weekends. Best of luck to anyone getting banded next week!:crying:

June 7, 2008

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Testing the Band--Bad Idea

Before I had the band, I read posts where people were testing their bands, and I thought I'd never do this. I was wrong. Yesterday, I ate a bite of my son's Hot Pocket, 1 M&M at the movies (ate around the peanut and threw it away), 2 cups of sf pudding. Looking at this list, it doesn't seem horrible, and nothing made me throw up or got stuck, but I woke up feeling a little blue. I IM'd a friend this morning who said :Don't stretch the pouch!" and I gave myself a talking-to. I went through all this pain and effort to lose weight. What is this childish feeling that makes me want to see what I can get away with? I will do better today... I do feel a little dread that I have to go back to work Monday. It's the best thing for me, but I like being at home with the kids. They are old enough to be alone when they have to, but I wish I could spend more time with them in the summer. Oh well, time for vitamins and breakfast before it gets too late. Next week, we join a health club and cancel cable (other than basic).

July 5, 2008

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