My best mothod of journaling is online. I have another online journal that I type in, sometimes it's just ranting, sometimes I make the entries private and sometimes I don't. But I think I will use this one to journal about things that I think have to do with why I had a wieght problem in the first place, and why I haven't been losing very fast.
I've been in therapy for about 2 months now, going once a week. The way Catherine works is very helpful to me. She doesn't actually say much at all. I start talking about whatever is on my mind, and she'll throw in a little question or a little insight to keep me going, or turn me in a different direction. SHE doesn't TELL me, that I have anger issues, or this or that, I come to those things myself.
I first went to her, because I was having trouble dealing with things going on with my dad. Namely the idea that he did not go to my sister's wedding, and all of the things surrounding that. I've discovered that I really didn't feel like I had a father figure. I mean, a father is supposed to protect you, and my 'father' didn't pay the bills, and didn't take care of lots of things. When my mom left, I had to get my sisters to school, make sure they were okay after school, make sure that dad was going to be home before I could go play with my friends. I was babysitting from age 8 or 9.
I've also discovered that I kind of feel like my mom abandoned me back then. We lived in Colorado, and she went to California for work. She worked at a place that was supposed to open a call center in Denver that she would then come back and run. During that time, my parents decided on divorce, and so my mom stayed in Cali. She called often, and visited when she could, and had us out to visit when she could, but none of that kept me from having to take care of my sisters. Then, when we'd go visit her, she'd get on me about 'parenting' them and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Everyone still calls me "mini mom" to this day.
Yesterday, I realized that I was very angry with them about the whole thing. I mean, who might I have been if I hadn't been required to turn into the 'mini mom' that had to take care of and protect her sisters? Would I have turned to food for control? Would I have had more fun with my friends? Would I have been more confident? Would I have done drugs? Would I have actually rebelled against my parents? Would I have done better in school? Had more friends? I can't help but think that I'd be a more 'well rounded' person. And I can't help but feel like feeling this way is stupid, since I'll never know the answers to any of those questions. Catherine told me that I should give it some thought, and kind of grieve it.
My mom always tells people not to hold onto things. If someone brings up something from the past, she says "Well, you are just going to have to get over that". I think since I wasn't 'allowed' to hold onto things, and I was never taught how to actually deal with them, I just stuffed them all down so that I wasn't bringing them up, but, I also wasn't doing anything about them. So now I have like 18 years worth of stuff to deal with. And that makes me mad too.
So I guess I am journaling this here, because I believe that I have a mental block about losing more weight. I am 5 lbs from being halfway to goal, and I am 15 lbs from onederland. I think that scares me. I think it scares me because if I do well, people want better, and if I do better, people want even more than that. :think
