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Nervous..Nervous...Nervou s

Errr Im soooooo FREAKIN NERVOUS about my surgery tomorrow, its driving me crazy!!! I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am so that means i have to leave here by 4:30.... I have so much going on in my head right now. I hold my house together and leaving that for my husband to do is gettin a little nerve wrecking. :cursing:I can just see the dirty dishes, laundry, and well the whole house really gross. Today i am going to be a super cleaner. :thumbup:I woke up this morning at 7am and i can not go back to sleep. I keep thinking well maybe i shouldnt have to surgery...maybe i should just try it alone again...but if i could of done it before i wouldnt be in this position today. :thumbdown:I am just going nutz. I asked my husband last night if we needed to go to get some groceries for him and he told me just make a list and i will go when u are asleep on monday:bored:....WHAT i started to freak out in my mind and think i cant let him go to the store by himself...I think i maybe a little control freak:blushing:! Well im going to go lay on the couch and see if i can go back to sleep for a little bit:closedeyes: and see where this gets me.. Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

6
 

My Promise To Myself

Well i have been thinking for the past week that this surgery is not going to fix me, all the damage and baggage of being overweight my entire life will NOT just go away. This surgery is not a quick fix and i am pretty sure im going to want to give up at some point or wonder why i am torturing myself, BUT this blog is for me (or anyone else) to read when i am feeling insecure and discouraged. I got a little emotional when i wrote this letter to myself. I think its b/c i have to let mandi come out and not hide her behind the fat anymore. Mandi, You had this surgery b/c you can not diet on your own. Dieting has always made you lose weight but you have no idea how to keep it off. The band is there to help you with portion size. It is not going to fix your cravings or emotional stress. You promised yourself that if the insurance approved your surgery, you would be more than willing to learn to live with food in a different way. Today is probably a bad day and you wished you could eat something really bad and it would make you feel better, but it doesnt make you feel better. It makes you feel guilty for eating it then you decide well i already messed up, ill eat something else bad. You are way more important than any stupid dessert or carb.This is not how you want to live the rest of your life! And even more important reason you needed the band is b/c you have PCOS and this will help you get rid of it. The band is not your enemy it is providing you a chance to start over with food and learn to appreciate it, not abuse it. You will have your good days and you will have your bad days but the band will always be there to help you make wise choices. If you want to eat b/c something is wrong, GO DO SOMETHING, talk to someone, work out, play a game. DO NOT let this addiction rule the rest of your life. So suck it up, put on a smile and take it day to day. Life sucked fifty times more gaining weight then it did losing weight...so im sure it is not that bad. I love myself and i need to take care of myself for me. I Will Always Love You, Yourself
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

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3rd Day on Pre Op Diet

Today was easier, but i figured out my head hunger problem. I love to eat crunchy food...like fried food...and all i have been able to eat is mushy foods and liquids, so my head is like what is this crap. Last night i went to wal-mart with one of my good friends and she says to me in line if you can stay on the preop diet then why cant you stay on any diet....Its like DUH I AM STARVING WHEN IM ON A DIET STUPID!! (that wasnt nice)..but its the truth.:crying: This is the hardest thing ever. I would love to go to Taco Bell and get a Gordita:drool:!!! But i wont because that would ruin my goals:rolleyes:. My husband has been really supportive and has been trying to eat healthy with me and when i fall asleep he eats bad (i dont blame him):thumbup:. Mandi Jo April 30, 2008 1 cup Chicken Salad 2 Protein Drink 2 Fat Free Pudding Cups 1 Soup at Hand 2 Pork Chops
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

2
 

Well Im Back From Surgery

Hi All, Well monday was my surgery day and everything went pretty smooth except i had a haitel hernia. I am still pretty sore, i just feel like someone beat me with a bat. Im still using my hydrocodone. Thank you everyone for your encouraging words, it helps alot. Well im goin to go nap, i hope everyone has had a good week so far...tomorrow is FRIDAY YAAAA!!! Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

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Well I'm A Jazzy June Now..

:bored:I reschedule this morning with the doctors office. I am now rescheduled for June 2. My abscess should be cleared up by then thank goodness :thumbdown:. I really want to thank everyone who gave me positive comments on my previous blog. It made me feel so good that you all cared so much about me and my surgery date. To all the May Flowers i pray and hope all your surgeries are safe and successful. :bored: I am being more positive today and have accepted that i am glad the abscess showed up a week before surgery instead of at surgery. My mom kept saying to me thank the good lord..lol Everyone have a great day!!! Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

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I Need Everyones Opinion....

Hi All, Well i have a little dillema...:confused2:I am getting my band May 12th. I have ran into a speed bump though. My husbands 2 best friends are having a birthday party this saturday. Apparently i cant eat anything and i cant drink (alcohol):thumbdown:...I would have loved to go but it just doesnt sound like ANY fun due to my issues. I told my husband this and he got all upset about it. :angry:I told him to go by himself and he said no, i want you to go...so i said okay ill go but i do NOT want to be there for very long. He got upset with that but dealt with it..i guess:glare:. So i am going to this party with 25yr old single men who are going to be getting drunk with their skinny rude girlfriends and they are going to be wondering hmmm why is victors wife not eating or drinking?:bored: I dont want to tell them i am having WLS...maybe i dont want to tell them b/c i dont want to embarrass myself:sneaky:. (He doesnt want me to have the surgery bc he loves me not matter what even if i have 13 fingers:lol:). I really dont know what to tell them. Can anyone help me think of something to tell them...i dont want them to think im being rude and i just dont want to be around them. ( i really dont bc of my surgery) Really confused and frustrated:incazzato: Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

6
 

30 Things I Will Not Miss About Being Fat!!!

These are the first 30 things that come to my mind that i will NOT miss about being fat. I am sure i will add more in the future!! Mandi Jo 1. I will not miss finishing eating with stains on my belly....it catches everything my mouth misses. 2. Buttons popping off my pants in the middle of the day. 3. Wearing the same pair of black pants to work because they are the only ones that fit. Hoping no one notices. 4. Answering the phone and people thinking you were running because you are out of breath....all you did was get off the couch. 5. Finding it a struggle to get my own shoes on! 6. Pants always getting holes between the legs 7. Phobia of plastic patio furniture I am convinced it will never hold me! 8. Fitting into a airplane seat 9. Being able to wear a bathing suit in public w/ no cover up 10. Fitting into booths at restaurants 11. Being able to find clothes at normal stores without going to specialty plus size stores (No More Lane Bryant Expensive Stuff) 12. Being uncomfortable in my own body 13. Looking at myself in family pictures with complete shame & embarassment, and throwing as many away as possible! 14. Being tired ALL of the time 15. Pulling myself out of my car instead of gracefully stepping out 16. Being out of breath each time I go up or down the stairs 17. Being uncomfortable having sex because I am uncomfortable with myself 18. Dreading chairs with arms 19. Afraid of parking to close to another car and not being able to get out 20. Making my husband feel bad because he can't buy me clothes.( b/c i wont tell him what size i wear even tho he doesnt understand womens sizes) 21. Not being able to wear cute shoes because of the width 22. Creaking furniture when I sit down that doesn't creak when anyone else does 23. Buying jeans two sizes too big because I know I'll get fatter anyway 24. Being totally self-conscious 25. Calculating my own weight into a full elevator and wondering if I will be the sole cause of it crashing 26. Hiding my body from cameras 27. Not getting my period. 28. Not being able to get pregnant SOLELY because I am too fat 29. Being pregnant and NOT LOOKING pregnant 30. Listening to my grandma tell me shes worried about my health and i need to lose weight.
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

5
 

Surgery Cancelled ::discouraged::

Yep my surgery is cancelled due to me having a abscess on my lower right back its above my buttocks. :cuss:I got it last monday but i thought it was a boil and it would be done by friday...well friday i went and did my pre op testing (that went great)..Saturday i woke up hurting worse then i had hurt all week and so i finally realized this is NOT a boil...something is wrong with me:nono:. So i went to the Minor emergency room . The doctor told me i need to tell my surgeon about the abscess and told me that he needs to lance it but he doesnt want to ruin my chances for surgery so he didnt he just gave me a whole bunch of antibiotics...So when i get home i call the call service for my doctor and off course hes not on call this weekend some other doctor is (:mad5:who is a asshole) I tell him whats going on and he says No way we will not do surgery on you when you have a infection:crying:. So i cried to my husband and got really really upset. i have been so good for my preop diet and it feels like it was worth nothing.:bored: I cant have my surgery until this abscess is taken care of ... Im still so upset about this. I guess god is testing me to see if i really want the band. I dont kno.:thumbdown: Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

7
 

Day 2 Pre-Op

Well, i have figured out that if i eat a large breakfast im not as hungry and i dont snack during the day time.:w00t: But i was kinda bad today....i am not going to be bad anymore tho! :fish:I am fully comitted to the band and that is how its going to have to be.:thumbdown: My mother on the other hand sent my grandma a text message saying that she was hungry and didnt have any money. So who gets to send my mother money...ME.:sleep: As much as she fucks up and doesnt take care of her responsibilities i still cant tell my mother i wont give her money for food when she says shes hungry and doesnt have any money to buy something to eat. :confused5:Intervention just doesnt work in my case, i dont have any family except for my mom(who is a alcoholic/drug user), grandmother and my aunt (who is a alcoholic). Today i was thinking i dont think i have even met my real mother bc the only mother i have ever known has always been on drugs and alcohol.:thumbup: So how do you tell family no when we are all that each other has. :angry_smile:ERRRR i wish they would both get better! Mandi Jo     Today I ate: -3 scrambled eggs, 3 turkey bacon, 1 wheat tortilla and 1 f/f peach yogurt -apples and peanut butter -2 burritos from Taco Bell :thumbup: -Protein Drink
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

6
 

A BIG Eye Opener at the Grocery Store...

I dont have my band yet but i am being banded on may 12th.:biggrin2: I went monday to the doctors and get all the information for the pre op diet. Well today i needed to go grocery shopping for my husband and i. I decided to get some of the food and liquids i would be needing for my pre op diet:regular_smile:...On my list i wrote Milk...i automatically opened the door and grabbed the whole milk and got half way down the store and realized i cant drink whole milk anymore...:tgif:(i have drank whole milk my whole life and i cant stand any other kind)....I felt sad when i had to take it back to the dairy isle and grab some soy milk . I really didnt end up buying anything but fish and crystal lite....im realizing that my best friend (food) cant be my best friend anymore and its a uncomfortable feeling.... Am i silly for feeling this way...Did/Does anyone else feel this way:confused2:? Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

4
 

Back on Pre Op Diet Tomorrow

Well as i have stated in my previous blog my surgery was rescheduled for June 2. I was bad all last week and i didnt have very much fun being bad.:smile2: I had done the pre op diet the two weeks prior of low fat/carb and no greasy foods. Well this week i was happy i could go to taco bell and eat greasy food BUT everytime i ate something bad my stomach would get REALLY upset:huh2:. So much for enjoying my last week of bad food. My abcess is doing great almost gone.:tt1: I had to go to the doctor and they had to pack it bc it was a big whole in my behind and they didnt want my skin to grow over and not let it heal on the inside:embaressed_smile:. My husband and i went and bought a grill yesterday. He insisted on grilling everything in our frig (ex. sausage, boudain sausage, chicken fajitas).:thumbup: lol. So that was interesting. Tonight i am going to my grannies to have my last bad dinner the second time around lol. I think we r having wings. :drool:My husband is up for a promotion at work so thats reallllly awesome, i am very proud of him.:thumbup: I love this website. I have never been the kind of person to blog (i dont even do myspace and im 20). :wink2:I guess im so interested bc my body is going to be goin through alot of changes and i know i can rely on the great people here to help me out with questions. Its just a very positive website and i dont think iv seen a negative comment or slander against anyone! Well i will quit blabbering! I hope everyone has a great day!:cursing: Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

4
 

Errr im Sleepy but i Cant Sleep

I stayed up pretty late with myhusband. I think i finally feel asleep at like 5am. Well i wake up at 6am and all of our lights and fans are off and its getting pretty hot in the apartment. :ohmy:Then i get up to try to redo the breakerbox and i hear the fire alarms going off outside. Long story short...something happened to the WHOLE apt complex and none of us had electricity. They did turn the electricity on pretty fast tho...it was back on at 7:10 am but now i cant go back to sleep:thumbup:.... i am tired..but my mind is running and i cant turn it off. I just took some benedryl so that will relax me in about 30-40mins and maybe ill fall asleep.:cursing: I guess ill quit ranting. Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

1
 

Today Was Great And Busy!

I have found that the busier i stay the less i eat and the happier i am:thumbup:! But i just cant stay really busy everday...theres not enough to do. Today my husband and i went to a make it yourself stir fry place in downtown houston called Pang Tai. We met his cousin and wife there. It was really awesome. In my stir fry i had beef,shrimp, brocoli, fresh green beans, baby corn, portabella mushrooms and spicy sauce. :drool:It was sooo good!! Then afterwards we all went to IKEA i would like to get a new bed frame for our room and a new tv unit for our living room. So today was fun and kept my mind off of food. i weighed myself this morning and it said 331!!!:cursing: so hopefully i am getting closer to being able to play my Wii Fit. Hope everyone is having a great memorial weekend!!!:thumbup: Mandi Jo   Today I Ate: Stir Fry W/ 1 cup of brown rice:wink2:
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

1
 

Day 1 & 2 of pre-op diet

Yesterday was horrible:embaressed_smile:...I felt like i was starving but i know i wasnt. It was my brain telling me you need to eat, you havent ate enough today. It put me in a really bad mood and i had to take some benedryl to go to sleep:chillpill:. Today was alot better:thumbup:. That feeling in my head saying im starving is not as bad but i dont have alot of energy. I usually keep my house SUPER clean well i havent wanted to do the dishes and i hate dishes in my sink.:crying: I only have 12 days left on pre-op!!:thumbup: Im really trying to stay positive but its getting really hard.:svengo: Mandi Jo April 28,2008 3 eggs scrabbled 2 protein shakes Talapia w/ steamed broccoli 2 soup at hands April 29,2008 Protein shake Soup at hand
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

3
 

Nervous about the PreOp Diet and Tried the protein drink

Hi, Its my last weekend to eat whatever i please...Then i have to start the pre op diet on monday. I am feeling good about the protein drink...it was actually good and made me feel really really full. I got a tattoo last night and that was fun. Ill be posting my tattoo in my picture album. If anyone reads this how do you post the TICKER?i want one on my page but im so confused on where to put it so it shows up. Blah im only 20 and i feel like im getting old cuz im asking technology questions lol :confused2: On sunday i will be starting my birth control so i dont get pregnant bc i hear that after obese women start losing weight they become fertile and i would rather lose weight then have a baby...AND i dont want to mess up my band!!:w00t: Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

5
 

Misunderstood...

Hello, yesterday i posted my dilemma about my husbands friends birthday party on saturday. Everyone thought that when i said my husband doesnt want me to get the surgery bc he loves me the way i am....well i kno that came out wrong:unsure:. We have had many discussions about the surgery and he TOTALLY supports me but he also wanted me to know that he loves me anyway i am..wether i have one leg or twelve fingers:tt1: lol. I just didnt want anyone to worry i dont have support. :grouphug:Thank you all for your concerns and i really appreciate all the suggestions. i plan to use some of them for the party.:biggrin2: Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

2
 

Cauliflower tastes like mashed potatos??

Well everything has been going pretty good since i had my sugery (june 2). I have been having a hard time with my brain...It keeps telling me that im not eating enough and i want something realllllly bad to eat. I have not cheated tho and i dont plan on it. My body needs to heal itself and im not going to get it its way. So i went to see my dr yesterday and i have been having really bad diarhea and he gave me a recipe and tells me if you cook cauliflower till its really mushy and then put it in the blender ...it tastes like mashed potatos. Well i had to come home and try it....It tastes like light mashed potatos lol It was the weirdest thing i have ever heard of but it was pretty good. I didnt believe the doctor when he told me bc i am from the south and southern home cooked mashed potatos is what i am used to...so it was pretty good compared to my southern mashed potatos. Life is pretty good, but im really bored since i cant eat very much anymore lol! Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

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Im so MAD at my WII FIT and MYSELF!!!

Errrr i could spit rocks i am so mad at the WII FIT!:thumbdown: I bought a Wii about 3 mons ago bc Wii Fit was coming out and i really thought it would be great that i could do some strengthening at home. i order my Wii Fit over the internet and today it came in. I was really excited. I was following the instruction and it was asking my height and bday. Then is said alright now its time to weigh you and please step on. So i step on the Wii board and guess what IT TELLS ME.... IM OVER THE WEIGHT LIMIT TO PLAY THE Wii FIT:crying:! ERRR i mean im just upset with this whole ordeal. I know this is my fault i should have never got so over weight:glare:. So my newest GOAL is to be able to play on my Wii Fit:mellow:. I read the manual and it says the max limit is 330lbs. and my scale says i weigh 334.5:confused2:. So hopefully in 5-10 lbs i will be plaing my Wii Fit. Ugh one more thing that my weight controls:thumbdown:..cant even play a fitness game.:thumbup: Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

2
 

Lets talk about the truth now...

Well my scale is about 4 yrs old and it is a weight watchers digital scale. I have been weighing myself through out my two pre op diets and it been saying i lost 19lbs:smile:. Well the battery started fading out so i went to walmart to get a new battery and they didnt have one. So i went and bought a new digital scale...that says its so great b/c doctors use it. WELL i get home and i get on my new scale and it says i weigh 345.5 (that means i have on lost 5lbs):cursing:!!!! ERRR i was so mad. The old scale has been lieing to me, and it hurts my feelings b/c i thought i was doing such a good job:crying:. Well thats my disappointment for today...im sure there will be a new one tomorrow! Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

3
 

Ready for this week but DREADING it

I have decided that i am going to strictly do chicken, fish, veggies, and salads for my last week of the pre op diet. This will for sure seal the deal that ALL the fat is out of my liver:thumbup:. I am not really looking for it but hey i dont really have a choice. I am going to get healthier and its probably going to feel like im killing myself but it will all work out. Iv been thinking about buying a elliptical machine for my guest bedroom. I feel like i get the best workout on a elliptical. It kicks my ass and thats how i know it works:wink2:! I started bleeding Saturday, which is good b/c i havent bled since February (i have pcos) but i hope that i do stop bleeding by next sunday (sometimes i dont stop bleeding for weeks). I got back on my birth control so it usually stops in a week if i take my birth control like im suppose to :cursing:. Im trying to set my mind that i am going to be as positive as i can be about everything. I am sooo privileged to be able to have this surgery. I pray this is my answer to losing weight and getting rid of my PCOS so my husband and i can have children:blush:. Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

1
 

This Cant Be Good....errrr

Well a couple of days ago i got a boil on my backside. I thought no big deal it will hopefully be gone or atleast stop hurting by next monday(day of surgery). This is the worst BOIL i have ever had in my life. I finally got some medicine to draw out the yucky stuff inside. My whole back side has sharp pains and i cant lean against anything. I came home tonight and it freezing in my house so i turned the a/c up. I got in bed at 7pm and was still FREEZING so i put 2 blankets on and feel asleep. I woke up with a fever. Tomorrow i am going to pre op testing and i am worried that something is going to stop my surgery! Why do i have to get a boil right now?? Im really upset and nervous about the whole deal. Sorry i am just venting and i am really sore:crying:. So that has been my day. Blah.... Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

2
 

Day 4 Pre Op Diet and SUPER BORED

Today was very boring, same as yesterday.:thumbup: I hate that i have to wait until i get the band and healed to be able to find a job. :mad2:Its driving me nuts. My husband makes enough to support us both but when i go back to work my whole paycheck will be going to our savings acct/credit card debt.:thumbdown: I am just sooooo ready to start my life again. I feel like i am in a forever pause of life. :thumbdown:I have been taking long naps the past couple of days and then i still go to bed at night! Whats up with that right? Well i hope everyone had a great productive day:blushing: (im jealous)! Mandi Jo Today I Ate: -2 breakfast burritos -Protein drink -Garlic Shrimp -2 turkey burritos w/ FF sour cream & LF cheese
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

2
 

Day 4 Of Pre-op Diet...Today Was Great

Today was awesome. :crying: I didnt starve at all like the past couple of days. iv lost 5 lbs in 4 days(probably water weight). I didnt feel tempted by any food or want anything special that i cant have:rolleyes2:. I woke up this morning feeling so good and calm. I wish everyday was as easy as today:blush:. It probably helped when i went to class and i found out that i dont have to take the final exam b/c I have a 100 on every assignment & test. And since i dont have to take the exam,tonight was my last night of class:thumbup:! Last night before i went to bed i had some hot tea and when i woke up this morning i had some more hot tea! (not a coffee drinker) Well I hope everyone had a good day!! :thumbup: Mandi Jo May 1, 2008 Tuna w/ A-1 S/F Popcicle Steak w/ a salad Lemon Shrimps!
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

2
 

Day One On Pre Op Diet

Today was really good except my body is passing through all the fatty, greasy foods.:thumbdown: Im thinking that since this is my second time on the pre op diet my mind is finer tuned this time for the food change. I also found some f/f popcorn that i will be enjoying to snack on. I am a big snacker. :thumbup:I bought a apple slicer today at walmart and some low fat peanut butter...really excited about that. I love to eat carmel apples so thats as close as i will get to one lol. My mother is buggin me though. :ohmy:She will be 40 this summer and she refuses to hold a job. So i called earlier to check on her and she asks me for money. I didnt send her any money but its like when are you going to grow up and take care of urself instead of letting some stupid man? :sneaky:Errr frustrating. I will quit my ranting. Other than my mother today was pretty great. :thumbup: Mandi Jo
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

1
 

Day 3 Pre Op Diet

Well today was pretty laid back.:thumbdown: I really didnt do anything today. This afternoon i fixed my husband and i some sauteed shrimp in garlic butter sauce with brown rice. It was reallllly good :biggrin2:but at 9:00pm tonight my stomach was really mad at me:glare:.So no more of that kind of stuff. I can tell when im on the pre op diet i get really tired and dont have very much energy:boom:..probably b/c of the amount of reduced calories. I have been having some issues with freakin gnats! :brick:The past two weeks have been horrible, and i think its from the neighbors who moved out 2 weeks ago. ERRR i hate bugs and i am a neat freak so as you can tell this has been very stressful for me.:thumbup: The bug lady came today and sprayed some stuff and told me to put ice down the disposale to clean the blades and keep the plug in the sink when i not using it...oh yeah she said well gnats have a very short life span so they should die off in 7-10 days:ohmy:!!! I almost freaked out... i cant live with them very much longer or i am gonna pull out my hair!!! Well i think im going to go lay down, watch tv and wait for my husband to get home from work.:thumbup: Mandi Jo Today I Ate: -1 cup Shrimp 1 cup of brown rice and 2 tbl butter garlic sauce -Apple and peanut butter -2 wheat tortilla with chicken salad in it -1 tortilla with cheese:blushing: -Protein shake
mjsprague1017

mjsprague1017

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