I am not sure how to put into words how I feel. The day I got my approval letter I was so happy. Then, an hour later I had a panic attack. Literally. I haven't had a full-blown panic attack in years. How could I be so happy and so scared at the same time? I am terrified that I will gain weight and she won't do the surgery. My stomach hurts all the time. I am upset so I am hungry but I don't want to eat. There is this constant battle in my head. I think about all the great things that will come from this, how miserable I am now and how I gain strength. On the flip side I get angry and want to eat. Why am I angry? Why the internal struggle? I want this sooo bad. My life depends on it. I am killing myself. It is a slow, painful suicide. So why the struggle? It feels like two different voices. One that I have had since I was 16 telling me that the only thing I have control over is food... and when no one else is looking I get to comfort myself. Half my life this voice has lead me down this path. 16 years. The other voice only popped up once or twice a year. Like a relative you really love to see but give sick of after a week. Eat right, exercise, push yourself, no pain, no gain. Sounds great, for a little while. But now the voice that I need to be stronger than ever is in the fight of it's life. Arguing with the lazy, sloth-like, insecure voice. This should be an easy fight, but it isn't. And it pisses me off. It is like I have little control over my mind. I am mean, sad, emotional, moody, erratical. Bless my husband who claims he doesn't see it as I throw snide comments at him in short, angry spurts. My surgery is in 42 days. I hope this war in my mind ends before then.
