Today is rough. For two days i have done amazing, perhaps too good because I don't think I have gotten my calories in. Today though it's all I can do not to drive to Martinez restraunt and get me dinner togo. I will not do it though, that's why I have taken to typing to get my mind off of it. Dinner is in the oven. I've worked out for two days, I feel good about that but I am finding out that it's harder today. I really don't want to go. We shall see how I feel after dinner. It's funny, I had no problem with food until I get home from work. Then my mind is free to wander. Doing well with keeping the snackable foods out of my apartment. The only thing easy to get is fruit so hopefully i'll turn to that instead of 5 (35 calorie popsicles) or 2 servings of lite chips and cheese *yumm that sounds so good right now. I really wish I didn't have this obsession with food but at least I can control it better now that I have the band. Not only does it help me eat less, but also i've come so far that it's my motivation to keep going. I can make it through tonight...I can make it through tonight. :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :hungry: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint: :faint:
I have no idea what is going on with me this weekend. Seriously I have for the first time in a long time, knowingly sabatogued myself and I feel as if I need to figure out why if I want to stop it, and I do. I think that it would be nieve of me to think that this is just me craving stuff, like it's a chemical thing going on in my body, no I don't know what or why but I think it's psychological. Why am I backing off of my success? I am so proud of myself, I love the way i'm looking and the success that I am having. Initially I know that it started with, "it's Friday I get to eat what I want" but typically it doesn't go all weekend.
Saturday I had a blast, spent the day with mom, went out Saturday. Went merangue/salsa dancing. I LOVED it. I discovered though that my social skills aren't the best in that situation. I need to work on that, so I guess I need to get out and practice a bit more. For whatever reason I have an inherant feeling as if i'm fooling everyone and secretly i'm not good enough to deserve certain things in life. Almost as if people don't really know what they are getting into with me. The more I think about it though the more I think that it's my way of blocking myself against rejection. Push myself away, make myself unavailable so I don't have to go through the discomfort of getting to know someone else, and not giving them a chance to ditch me. Geeze I suck, I know that if that is the case I will miss out on alot of good things and that is not something that I want. I want to be able to be myself with people without worrying what they think, like somehow I will get down a few knotches on their friend ladder. How ignorant is that?
I also want someone to love me no matter what. I want that now...before and even sometimes now i'm really not sure. I don't know if it is worth it, don't know if loving someone is worth the aches and pains that I know it will bring. I don't know if it is worth dealing with their behaviors that drive you nuts. Living alone is great, I do what I want how I want. I don't have to worry about someone else. So I have two sides war-ing. I don't know which one will win out. I have never known what a productive relationship is like, never saw it growing up. Relationship=bad, mess up your life, yet I know that it must be amazing to have someone love you, no matter what, the good and the bad. I know that one day (in the distant future) I want a family, want to do the family thing, but I don't know how to get there. Basically i'm really jacked up. But I will not sabatogue my success, my weighloss is for me. I am doing this for me not for other people to like me better.
One of the best things about Monday's is the fact that it is not only a brand new day, but a brand new week. Which is a great day to start over, a clean slate for the entire week. Today i've done pretty good. I had chicken chili at Jasons Deli <--less than a cup, 4 oz of low fat ice cream, 70 calories worth of blue bunny bars, 1 Jenny Craig desert. All in all i'd say I had 700 calories at most today. I typically don't crave sweets as much as I have been lately though. Tonight I will eat a Jenny Craig dinner that is less than 300 calories and i'll be at my 1000 calories for today. I am posting this really early because it is typically late at night that I lose it and begin eating whatever I want. This is kind of my accountibility or dedication thread. I have ensured my success with not having any easily snackable foods in the house.
I currently weigh 165.
Tonight I will not eat after 7 oclock, that is my mini goal (my very mini goal) It is my hope that I can lose at least 5 lbs this week by not eating after 7. I will have to be careful though. I know that I am very bad about either having WAY to many calories or not enough. This week I will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, snack and desert and hopefully stay within the 1000 mark.
Breakfast - 200
Lunch - 250
Dinner - 300
Dessert - 170
Snack/buffer - 100
I am very proud of myself thus far. I started off at 216 and am now at 165. That means that I have lost 51 lbs with 20 more to go. If I work at it I know I can make goal by the end of November (my one year bandiversary).
I feel confident that I can do this. I will get through this week and then formulate a plan for the weekend. Which I typically find the most difficult part to get through.
Today sucks. I am really down. I have gone off the deepend with my eating. Since my stomach thing started i have lost restriction and have gone overboard eating unhealthy stuff and not really enjoying it. I am over eating to see if I can make myself feel anything, and alas I can't. I don't know what's going on. I'm scared, and kinda down...really down. I wish I knew what was going on, wish things were back to normal. I guess this is just a wave i'm going to have to ride out.
