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What I meant...

regarding "trying to change mentally". I never did comment about that title.   I really need to try harder on my mental picture. I need to start seeing myself as the healthy, beautiful, curvy girl that I'm meant to be, that I will be.   Since childhood I've always seen this fat girl. My mental picture of me really stinks.   I need to forgive myself for the rotten image I have of myself. I've been so mean to me.   I'm sorry, Erica. I'm really, really sorry.
EricaLyn

EricaLyn

1
 

Trying to change 'mentally'

Today I'm two weeks post-op and I've lost 11 or so pounds so far. The scale keeps fluctuating between 284 and 281. That drives me nuts. I know I shouldn't weigh every day, but I want to and I'm going to keep doing it. I'm driven by the numbers. I'm not bummed out when I don't see the scale fall - I know I'm losing inches. I went through my closet yesterday and got rid of a lot of clothes that are now too big. Some still had tags on them. Good grief. I tried on some pretty nightgowns and robes that I had been given at my bridal shower two years ago. Two years ago it was so depressing - I took the nighties and robes on my honeymoon, but never wore them because they didn't fit. NOW....they totally fit. They're actually a little too big. I screamed. Then I called my mom and then my husband. Of course he wants to see me in them! He's so wonderful - what a great supporter I have in him. I know I couldn't do this without him. I've been walking a lot since surgery, but today was my first - put the tennis shoes on and power walk - day. I was actually a bit sore and light headed towards the end of the walk. I went for 30 minutes and walked as hard as I was able to. It felt good to get out and to get going. I'm still on liquids though, so my energy isn't where it should be yet. I suppose I could start my blended diet today (I'm allowed to two weeks post-op), but my post-surgery appointment with my doctor is Thursday and he had originally said he wanted to approve the advancing of my diet, so I may wait until Thursday. I'm so hungry though - I think I may blend up some refried beans and salsa. I need more protein and I'm sick of protein shakes. Back to my closet - I tried on some nice summer work blouses I've saved for a few years. When I bought them they fit (barely), but I soon out grew them. I have one of them on today and it feels so good. I don't need any summer clothes...right now. I know I'm going to keep losing and they're soon going to be hanging on me. My dress slacks look ridiculous on me - they are a bit loose in the waist, but the butt and legs are totally baggy (I carry my weight in my waist) and look stupid. I may be wearing capri's from Wal-Mart this summer. They're inexpensive! I don't want to spend a lot of money on dress-work clothes until I'm closer or at goal. Oh and a non-scale victory. At a meeting today I crossed my legs. Ahhh, sweet victory!
EricaLyn

EricaLyn

1
 

It's Spinning!

My wedding ring! It's spinning around my finger! It had gotten to the point where it was digging into my skin and making it red and it hurt! Now I'm sitting here typing and it keeps falling to the side. Oooo, I'm giggling!!
EricaLyn

EricaLyn

4
 

299!!!

I weighed this morning and I'm below 300!! Thank you, God! 299 and shrinking! Wahoo!!  
EricaLyn

EricaLyn

1
 

Pre-Surgery Diet

I've started my pre-surgery diet a wee bit early. I'm supposed to start it 3 weeks prior, but I've started it about 6 weeks early. I've lost 12 pounds so far and I feel great! I'm a bit hungry, but that's okay. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right?! My pre-surgery diet, from my nutritionist, is a Slim Fast shake for breakfast, a Lean Cuisine for lunch and a Lean Cuisine for dinner (or variations on that theme). I can have Jell-O pudding (low/no sugar) and low-fat yogurt as a snack. Plus I have a no sugar fruit popsicle for dessert. I'm drinking a TON of water and Crystal Light Iced Tea every day. I'm constantly in the bathroom, but that's okay. I get a lot of exercise getting up from my desk and walking down the hall. I'm eating apples and bananas too and every now and then I eat a salad (with regular dressing - gasp/horror!). I can't go completely off the deep end! LOL Basically, I've stopped drinking diet soda and eating out. I'm limiting my carbs (no bread, rice, potatoes, tortilla's) and cheese intake (sigh - I miss cheese). My goal is to lose 10-15 pounds before my May 13th surgery (found out today at my pre-anestesia appointment that my surgery was bumped up by two days! I'm at 300 now (ugh), but the realization that soon I'll have a "2" as my starting number of my weight has me giddy. The other realization is that I'll never, ever be over 300 lbs again. Oh my god...I could cry. I am so happy.
EricaLyn

EricaLyn

1
 

This is me...

My story...well, let's see. I'm 37 and I've been "fat" in my head since I was 5 years old. I was actually overweight starting when I was 12 - it took me from 5 to 12 to become what I envisioned in my head. I was 5 years old when my Grandma took me to Sears. I remember holding her hand and standing at the very tall sales counter and hearing my Grandma, with disdain in her voice, ask for the "chubby girl department". I remember the sales clerk looking over the counter and down at me and hearing her say, "I'm sorry, we only have a Husky Boy Department".   I looked around looking for the chubby girl and then realized it was me. Up until then, I was tall for my age, but not overweight. I was crushed by my Grandma's opinion of me and really took her comment to heart. In school I was teased for my height and some kids did say I was fat because of my height (I still don't get the logistics of that). I gradually grew into the girl I saw in my head - an overweight person. Despite my mom's warnings to not play my "negative tapes" I did so constantly and eventually grew into an overweight teen.   I've tried many, many times throughout my life to lose weight. I've been quite successful at times, losing 50 lbs on many occasions and at one time losing over 100 lbs. I exercised to the point of exhaustion (and fainting at one point) and resticted my calories to 500 per day (on the recommendation of a nutritionist).   I'm excited and hopeful that the lapband surgery will be a great starting point for my final weight loss attempt. I know it won't be easy and the road ahead is long, but I'm ready now. I'm looking forward to returning to the opinion I held of myself before that fateful day at Sears when I was 5 years old. I was accepted, life was good and I wasn't body conscious.   My Goals:   1. No more wondering if the booths are extra wide or if they can seat me at a table instead of a booth 2. Wearing jeans that don't have an elastic waist - bring on the button and zipper 3. Climbing the stairs from my parking spot on B level up to my 3rd floor office (that's about 5 floors) 4. Easily putting on my seatbelt on an airplane 5. Being okay with the middle seat on an airplane 6. Not having the person sitting next to me on the airplane have their arms resting on my rolls (I have airplane issues!) 7. Wanting to have my photo taken 8. Buy clothes in the Misses Department 9. Losing my pooch (second stomach!) 10. No more back fat 11. Pretty bras - not sturdy bras 12. To be promoted & taken as seriously as the skinny dimwits in my office 13. To not be the fattest person in the room any longer 14. To fit into my husbands race car and not have to say, "uhhh, no thanks" and watch his face crumble 15. To run and play and be around for a long time for my new nephew   I'm sure my list will grow!
EricaLyn

EricaLyn

1
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