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About this blog

Trying to find out who I am

Entries in this blog

 

You always hear the bad things....

When I talked to my doctor the other day he recommended I try the web site obesityhelp.com. So I had a free minute at work and I did. Ok let me go back for a minute. Several years ago I was told I was having panic attacks, ok we all know what that is now but when I first started having them at age 17, I am not almost 40, they were talked about much. My attacks got so bad that they were disabling. I could drive by myself and the fear of dying was overwhelming to say the least. I tried every drug out there only to become addicted to xanax. Ok lets make along story short, it took years and years of help, drug and praying to get me where I am today. I drove with my three kids from north carolina to new jersey with just some yahoo driving directions. Now for someone who could take a bath without someone being at home cause I was scared I would have a heart attack in the bath tub and no one would be there to get me out, driving up the east coast was a major victory. Now I wont lie and say never have set backs because I do. Now here is where we pick up at the beginning. So I go onto the web site and the first thing I notice is a story in OH magazine. I click on the link and start reading. Here is a man 44 years old, just 4 years older than I, who died 2 days after having WLS. My heart broke and I was flooded with fear. I started to think what have I done, I started to smother. I smother when I get very neverous. I cant seem to get his picture or his story out of my mind. I know I have to be thankful, I am one of the lucky ones, I made it through my suregery. But to be honest I am still scared now. I sit and read all the things that people are going through and wonder am I next? I have never thought I think like a normal person. I have had so much tradegy in my life. I wonder if I will ever be normal, and what is normal? I started my journal asking myself who I really am and my quest to find out continues. I must learn to be thankful and give thanks to God. I know I have it better than most and worse than others but I am blessed a wonderful hubsand and three healthy beautiful girls. No there is never enough money and I miss my Momma back in the Carolinas but I woke up this morning, had a roof over my head, food in the Frig, a job to go to, and freedom to worship my GOD. For that I am thankful Lord! I fight my panic and fear back, I will not allow it to control me again. God give me the strengh I need!
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

When will I learn?

Ok I am still having a lot of pain when I try and eat soild foods, but I did notice yesterday that I was eating too fast and not thinking about how much I was chewing. So I slowed down and started concentrating on every bite, it seem to be working until the phone at work started ringing and people started coming over to my desk wanting things and before I knew it I was in pain once more. I think I may be one of the lucky ones as far as Pbing and slimming goes, I have only pbed once since having my band and I was at home when it happened, thank god!!! I did miss that day of work tho, I just felt too bad to go in and to be honest I was a little scared too. I have also noticed it would be very easy to cheat the band...hmmmm maybe I shouldnt say it like that, maybe I should say what it really is, to cheat myself. Potatoe chips go down with no problem, so does cheetos and most cookies I have tried. Chicken and beef I have a hard time with tho, I think it is the chewing it up good enough that is the problem, I have to learn to take "baby sized bites". Some said to use a baby spoon but I just dont know about that one, maybe. Well back to work for now......
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

What are you scared of?

March 13 Today is Monday, it has to be the longest day of the week!! I did have one very nice surprise this morning, I got some very kind and heartfelt replies from a post that I had made about gaining weight. I was too busy this morning to have any breakfast so about 10:00 my tummy was growling pretty good, so what did I do, I went to the office's vending machines and bought some cheetoes, now thats something you want to eat while your tryin to loose weight. Then for lunch I got sweet n sour chicken , no rice but broccoli. I havent done rice since having my band due to fear. I wished I could say that about carbs and chocolate too. Fear is a powerful emotion, it can make a grown man cry and a fat woman give up pork fried rice. A list of some things I fear.... Not living to see my girls grown and with kids of their own Never being healthy again Always having to use a wheelchair to go to the grocery store or mall Resturant booths Flying because of the small seats looking into a mirror loosing my hair loosing my teeth sagging skin (not normal but the kind that requires surgery) heart attacks strokes (lost my dad when he was 36 to a stoke, he wasnt heavy) crowded rooms small dressing rooms formal events OMG and the list could go on and on, so what does this say about me? Do I live in fear every day, of course I do, do I think about atleast one of these things every day, YES! So I sit and wonder am I over weight due to my fears or are my fears due to me being over weight. Worrying cant be good for a person like me, they say stress kills and man oh man do I feel stressed. Funny ya know what helps ease that stress, FOOD, and then afterwards I thinking about having that heart attack or having to go clothes shopping. Will this cycle ever end????  
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

Total Melt down ......

It started this weekend with constipation. I took milk of manganese, 5 Colace and a glycerin depository with no results. After several hours of hurting I woke my husband at midnight go try and find an all night drug store to get me a fleet enema. After giving myself the fleet and waiting for about an hour and half I finally got some relief. I was able to sleep about 2 hours before having to get up and get ready for work. So my day at work was spent hurting, sore and sleepy, Not a GOOD DAY! Now this being Friday and seeing how I have 3 teenage girls, the family had made plans earlier in the week to see the movie “Ice Age Melt Down”. So even tho I am tried and sore I go to the movies. We get there a hour earlier, because I have this thing about getting an aisle seat (no one likes the fat woman to crawl over them) and after standing in line for a while we are told the 8:00 show is sold out!!! Now if you have kids you have to know it is rare that they all want to see the same thing at the same time. Now comes the arguing, everyone wants to see something different and they all start at different times. Needless to say I was in no mood to handle the arguing so we went home without seeing any movie!! Saturday was our weekly shopping trip to Wal-Mart, I was still ill and sore and was in no mood to go but went any way. Now Wal-Mart rents out part of it’s store to Sub-Way, so you smell fresh baked bread cooking the entire time you shop. If you’re not hungry before you go you will be after. My girls while we are checking out ask if we can eat at Sub-way. So what do I do, I order myself a foot-long roasted chicken with all the trimmings, now you and I both know there is no way I should be able to eat a 6 inch let a lone a foot long but I did. It took me about an hour and a half but I did it. For dessert I had myself 2 chocolate doughnuts that Wal-mart had on sale and sooo sweetly put up front so I wouldn’t miss em. Now you might be saying to yourself this couldn’t get any worse, ohhhh but wait it gets even better (worse). That same day, I am depressed and pmsing so I sit in front of my computer playing card games eating kit kat candy bars (notice the s) while dipping them into a can of chocolate icing. That night I was feeling pretty bad about myself due to my lack of self-control and emotional eating. We decide to order pizza and catch a movie on TV, I thinking to myself I will skip the pizza and go with wings as a lesser of the two evils. Now my husband has been at work all day so he has no idea of my binge eating all day. The pizza arrives and he puts 4 large pieces on his plate. I am on my 4th wing, the little drumlette part when he turns at me and ask “Aren’t you full yet?”. Ok here is where very bad turns to horrible for me. At that very moment in time all my angry I was feeling came pouring out of me like a river that had been damned for sometime. Now dare he ask me that, do you know how much meat is one a drumlette?? I yelled at him while hurling my wing at him…..”If you wanted a skinny woman you should have married one”, walked out of the room and didn’t speak to him for 2 days! I was feeling bad enough about myself and then for him to make that comment to me, it was all I could take! He sent me a dozen roses to work 2 days later saying he was sorry. He has never had a weight problem so he has no idea that trails and pains I go through every day of my life and I know he will never understand. I know he does what he does or says what he says out of “love” but I know also he wants that beautiful thin wife that he can he proud of on his arm when we go out. I would like to sit here and say this week has been better but to be honest it hasn’t really. I am talking to my husband again but I am still full of angry and depressed. I did go see my doctor yesterday and explain to him that if I could eat a foot-long sub I needed a fill, he agreed. I am scheduled for the 14 of April for my now 2nd fill since my banning feb 8. I ask him about when he would think about taking this blood clot filter out of my vein and said he would like for me to lose at least 50 more pounds, it would be easier and safer. The February Bandsters have really kept me going this week, I was able to vent and see the humor in some of the stuff that happened this weekend. I don’t know how I would survive this without them. Ok so I had a complete and totally melt-down this weekend, today is yet another day and today I start all over again!
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

Sometimes you have to laugh

march 14 Sometimes you have to laugh when you really want to cry. I have really been taking a tough look at myself recently. Asking myself the hard questions that I always seem to want to avoid, not because I dont know the answers but because the answers tend to hurt too damn much. Tammy why have you allowed yourself to get so big, you know there is heart diease in your family, you know you lost your dad when he was 36 to a massive stroke, you know what fast food and sweets along with bread is doing to your body, do you want to die? Has anyone ever told you, "you can control the way you feel, you decide everyday when you get up whether or not your going to be happy or sad? I know they meant well, but did they not see all they were doing was making me feel like more of a failure. God I know I am suppose to be in control of my body and my mind so why do I fail at both? Ever been out some where actually having a good time and all of a sudden catch a glimpse of yourself in a window or a mirror? For me it is liking someone slapping me in the face saying " what are you doing having a good time, look at you". So I put on the fake smile and try to continue to have a good time. You know I have thought about seeing a shrink but unless he or she has been where I have I just dont see how they can help me, oh and give me something for depression, been there and done that with all the wonderful side effects. How did Oprah do it, she was abused as a child, and had some major issues in her life, so lets take away her millions, how does a working class woman do it?
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

Slow starter

Ok it is March the 6th and I am just now starting my journal. I know I was told to start right away but I am lazy. Wow, I am sitting here thinking that is an ugly word, one associated with fat, large, heavy, full-figured or big, which ever is more politically correct today. Lazy? Maybe a little but try carry around 300 plus pounds around all day and see how much energy you have. Angry? Yeah maybe a little too, I did this to myself, I am the one that allowed myself to get this heavy, no one has ever forced feed me. Did I eat because I was hungry, sometimes, did I get because I was upset, happy, hurt, angry, depressed, or just palin bored, ALOT of times. Did I ever eat for enegry and to maintain good health, NEVER!!!!! Do I look back and blame my mother for not teaching me to eat right from the very beginning? No, I lost my dad due to a major stroke at the age of 12, my Mom raised my sister and I working in a textile mill sewing for years. She never remarried and did the best she knew how too. Going to the grocery store was sometimes the only joy we got, sweets and cookies are cheap compaired to tennis lessons, or cheerleading. She couldnt give us maybe what some of the other kids had but we always had a home cooked meal and cleaned clothes, Thanks Mom. But here I sit today at 39 (40 in April) M-Obese. I know all the right things to do, drink the water, watch what you eat, stay away from white sugars, white bread and pasta, exerise and the weight will come off. Do you know how many doctors have told me that? Do you know how many times I have a doctor blame every little thing that is wrong with me on my weight? I want to cry but here I sit at work and wonder, am I am failure? It is just I am not strong enough or lack the will power. Exercise? I have had to take a wheel chair to the mall and grocery store for over a year now, exercise? You might as well say fly to me right now. Ya want to know something funny, I wont fly on an airplane b/c of a couple of reasons, one if I am scared of flying and I think that I would have a heart attack on the plane and die, not the plane crashing... and the other is I am scared they will ask me to purchase two seats and that I will have to ask for a seat belt expender. Sad how I live my life. I am truly no longer living, just getting by day by day, hanging on by a thread. Ok I told myself that I would start tracking what I eat, (food journal), so here goes Breakfast this morning: Slimfast high protein bar 15 grams of protein. Ok and I am still hungry, I guess I have to just get use to being hungry, I am working on a bottle of water right now, but thoughts that there is a vending machine full of junk less that 50 feet away from me. Sometimes I wonder if I am even normal.:think
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

Ok I had my first fill

Ok I had my first fill Friday, I was neverous as crap so I made sure I took my blood pressure meds, my heart meds, and yes a xanax. OK are you noticing what I didnt notice? I am having my feel so that means nothing but fluids after that, ughhhhhhhh I forgot to eat breakfast! Hmmm maybe I should look at that as a NSV. Now about the fill, I found out I have a 10 cc band, which is I think the largest one they make. Dr.Gritsus filled me with 3.5 cc, at first I am not sure how much he put in but he had to take some out. He was viewing the floroscope so he was able to see the barium that I was drinking going down to judge the amount of fill. There was no pain at all but a very unusal feeling, I am not so sure I would even call it pressure. Ok I stayed on liquids for the rest of the day ........ok almost, I had cream potatoes and gravy from KFC, I mean that is instant potatoes so it was just like a liquid. Now I still have very very little to no restriction. Ughhhhh so I called the doctor Monday to complain and here is what he said..... You went through the healing stage and made it, now your going through the learning stage. Now is the time to learn to slow down, chew very very well and to start thinking about what you are eating. You can't do this if you are pbing and slimming, all you will think about is the pain. He said you trusted me to do your band now trust me to make the right decisions on your fills. Now how do you argue with that? He told me to get on the scales that I might be surprised, and OMG, I have lost 9.5lbs!!! I couldnt believe it, I mean I knew that I had cut back some on what I was eating but I also know all that chocolate isnt a good thing either! I have another appointment in 2 weeks. I have decided to act like I have restriction and see what happens. My journey to discovering who I am has began. (is that suppose to be begun, I could never get that right) Oh I am swelling today, ughhhhhhh must be getting to be my time of the month again, oh lovely!:rolleyes
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

Not going to lie to myself

march 12 I tried to get on yesterday but kept getting an error message, not sure what was up with that. I am the dependable one, the one that people turn to in time of need, I am the solid one, the one that always has something positive to say, the one that always is there. Now if you have read my other entries you have to be either laughing or saying lady you must be crazy. But you see I have made a deal with myself, I will not lie here, if I am in a pissy mood, I am going to say it, and if I feel like bitching and moaning I am going to do it. In my every day life I am not who I am, hell I am not sure who I am. I am not sure I have ever known who I am. I went and had my hair cut and colored this weekend, a friends treat to me, I havent had to done professionally in about 5 years now. So I went to this very upscaled salon, the lady ask me to step into the changing room and put on this smock, oh my god!!! Who ever invented one size fits all had no idea there were women my size apparently. So there I sit in this room, there was no way this thing was fittin me and I couldnt help but think, she saw me and she had to know it wasnt going to fit. I wanted to cry, but I sucked it up, put on a smile and said I wore an old shirt so it doesnt matter if anything gets on this old thing. It seem to work but come on everyone knew but what could I do. The stylist was very very sweet and tall, very slim and beautiful. She did a great job and my hubby loved my hair but I had to sit there and look at my ROUND face in the mirror and think how ugly I am. Ya know when your hair is in foil and you have this big ass cape round around you, you see nothing but how big ur face truly is. Here I am going to let my true feelings out, no sugar coating them here. People treat me like a second class citizen and I feel second class.
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

Night From HELL

I know I have never pushed out a baby, although I have 3 girls (all c-sections) but last night I dont think it could have been any worse. I knew all day that I had that constipation feeling but when I got home I got that URGENT Constipation call. I called my husband at work and ask him to stop off at the drug store and pick up some milk of magnese (sp). I had taken 5 colaces with no effect. I did a deposatory (again speling ughhh) with no effect. I was miserable. So when hubby came in I did 4 table spoons of the M.O.M. Ok the bottle said 30 minutes to 6 hours, so now I am in a holding pattern. Well around midnight I woke my husband to go back to the drug store for a fleet. So last night at around 1am I am giving myself a fleet enema. :faint: I think I am going on 2 1/2 hours sleep. I know without a doubt I am going to have to do Benefiber every day. I cant have many more nights like that. My recum bleed and I am sore this morning. Today is going to be a long day for me. I sat on the toilet praying and wondering if this was because of the band. I had a horrible night but I am not giving up. There are going to be many speed bumps in my journey to better health and they might slow me down but there not going to stop me. I may post more later, I am soooo sleepy:notagree
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

My first Fill tomorrow

March 23 Tomorrow is my first fill and I am very neverous. I have to be at the hosiptal at 7:05 am, ughhhh! I have had no restriction up until now and have been eating the same as always. I have read all the threads here and some are rather scarey. I have a huge fear of vomiting so the thought of "pbing" isnt too appealing to me. But thats the plan right? This a tool, a powerful tool to someone like me. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now it is hard to concentrate on work or even to write this. So I think I will go for now, try to forget about it for now. Oh and dont think for one minute I havent already thought about what resturant I am going to tonight as a last "meal" kinda thing. Funny how old habits die hard!
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

More than I bargained for.......

March 9 Ok I had to leave work yesterday due to that fact that I was so miserable from being constipacted. I know it had to piss my boss off because I have just came back after being out for 9 days due to a rough recovery after my surgery, so much for a raise anytime soon huh. Heck I am worried about being replaced if something else happens, like I dont have enough to worry about. I called the doctor and he had me give myself a fleet enima, oh that was lovely. Then he had me take 3 colace and buy some benefiber for everyday use for a while. I cant help but think, did I not see all these when I was doing my research on the band, or did I turn a blind eye to it? I didnt know about lapbandtalk.com when I was doing my research, and I wished I had. Here it seems that people talk about everything and that is what people need to hear that are thinking about doing this. You know how misery loves company well sometimes I believe that people sugar coat the band cause people want people in the same "group". Ok did that make sense, its like if your wearing a short dress to a party and you know other will be wearing long dresses you will try to have someone else wear a short dress too. Ok maybe I think too much. Did I take a Xanax last night, you bet I did. I was miserable most of the day, then the girls came home and needed attention that I was in mood to give them, and lets not even get into my husband being pissed cause I was at home, he is worried about me lossing my job too. Ya know everyone says you have to take care of yourself first then worry about a job, but who are we kidding, we live in the real world where good jobs are hard to come by and bills dont care if your sick or not. I do have a good job and they have been supportive of me so far , I just pray my luck holds out. Have I been watching what I eat, yeah I look at every bite right before it goes into my mouth. I think they call that the see food diet! My mom and family that knows about my surgery keep asking me "how much weight have you lost", oh my god, I think if someone never ask me that again I would be ok!!!!!!! I know they mean well and they are doing it out of love and excitment for me but to someone who just wants to forget about my weight it is a constant reminder. Funny I am sitting here eating Chex Mix while writing in my journal, my tummy was growling and this was the only thing in the vending machine that wasnt loaded with sugar. I had a weight watcher english muffin this morning with that healthy butter spread (the one that is suppose to be good for the heart) and a cup of def. coffee. I usually dont take lunch until 1 so when I do eat I am straving. Ok I must say this, I am SICK TO DEATH OF EVERYONE WATCHING EVERYTHING THAT GOES INTO MY MOUTH, if I had it to do over again no one, and I mean no one would know i had this done. Ok I know most of us had to see a shrink before having this surgery done, but I am not sure I am mentally prepared for all this. I know this is a magical cure , this is a "tool" to help me out but this tool doesnt talk and tell people to shut up. Ok that was harsh, maybe shut up isnt what I meant, I just think that people need to be more sentative to the situation. This is going to be a longgggggggggggggggg hard road and being asked about it everytime u see me doesnt help me any, it reminds me of the hard work I have to do. Say if you had a diease and you were going blind, would it be ok to ask that person everytime u see them " How well are you seeing today?", I think not, so why do people think it is ok to ask "how much weight have you lost?' or what are you eating and how much. heck maybe it is just my friends and family and no one else is experiencing this. I just pray for the day when my weight wont be all consuming for me.
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

Let me start again...

Well when I started this journal I told myself that I would keep up with this, and just like all my diets I failed. So I have been doing some thinking, ok a lot of thinking, which isnt always a good thing for me. I am truly sick of thinking and trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Did I have a great childhood, no, but neither did a lot of other people and they didnt end up OB with panic attacks. So what makes me different or should I say weak? What makes me eat when i am not hungry and stuff myself when I am? Here I am at 40 years old and I still dont know who I am. When I started this journal I was asking myself this question and 3 months later I am still asking. So what now? I just dont know!
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

It's never too far away

Oh guess where I went this weekend? My husband and I were given floor seats to see the Nets. I cant tell you how excited I was, not that I am a big basketball fan but I have never been to a professional game and to have floor seats!!!!! The game was great, we won, and sitting just 3 rows up from us Jayz and Beyonce'. I didnt know he was the owner, well part owner, of the Nets. I got some pictures on my camera phone for my girls. So here is where it stopped being fun, my husband started taking pictures with his cell phone, so he said honey look at me and smile. Ok I had spent an hour getting ready and even bought a new shirt for this game, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I had walked all the way from the parking lot to the seats, now u may think that isnt a big deal but coming from a woman that has to take a wheel chair to the grocery store it was huge for me, and the stairs too, plus I did it without getting too winded or my back killing me. So my husband takes the pic, he comments that it is a good picture, so i wanted to see it, man oh man I wished i hadnt looked, I am not sure what I was expecting but all I saw was this huge fat woman looking back at me. Well that is all I could think about for the rest of the game. I kept pulling on my shirt as to not show my tummy roll to any one. We got something to eat at the game, i got chicken fingers, hubby got a cheese burger and fries. I couldnt even finish my meal, all I kept thinking is people looking at me thinking she dont need to be eating. I ended up handing my chicken to my husband. Oh it gets worse, I am still hungry so I try and fight it off by drinking water. Then 20 minutes later I have to use the bathroom but do you think I want to walk in front of all them people up a flight of steps, NOOOOOO. So i sit there and hold it the rest of the game. I am too ashamed to walk up the steps in front of people and too scared that I may have to stop to rest and embarrass my self even more, I was miserable! When I say my weight effects every thing in my life I mean it, there is not one day that my weight doesnt seem to cause a problem for me. Lord grant me the strenght to use this tool you have blessed me with, I cant do it without you!
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

Is my period an excuse?

Today is Tuesday march 7, and sadly to say today seems to be no better than yesterday. Damn I hate to whine and that is what I feel like I am doing. I keep tryin to tell myself all these other people are doing it and they arent whinning, suck it up and do what you have to do. Last night I had spagetti for supper, how much ? I have no clue, I ate until I thought I should be full and then stopped only to go back an hour later and eat more. Am I going to lose weight this way , I seriously doubt it. My husband is a wonderful man but he got on my nevers last night so bad, he watches everything I eat and then says "slow down" between every bite. I am a big girl and I know what the doctor said so I didnt need him to be reminding me through every bite I took. Did I say anything to him, oh yeah and it wasnt pretty. Ya know I am sick of thinking about my weight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is has been an issue my whole life, do normal size women think about their weight all the time? DO they worry about becoming like me? I am sitting here thinking is there every a day that goes by that I dont think about my weight? I honestly dont think so. Wow how sad that is. I mean something as simple as going out to eat with my family can become an ordeal to someone like me, I have been humiliated more than once because I couldn't fit into the booth, or the chairs were so close together that I couldnt get between two people sitting at the table, so I have become the drive-through Queen. WOW that was tough to even type. I guess that will be one of my NSVs, fittin in a booth comfortably. SIGHHHHHHHHHHH Today isnt a good day for me, I am feeling a bit over whelmed. This damn weight thing, the kids, my job, my husband, money, housework, laundry, the dog and lets not even start to mention my Mom and sister. I have noticed that I have started taking more Xanax. I was diagnosed with panic disorder years ago. After being misdiagnosed for years, but to make a very very long story short I am given xanax to take as need when they seem to be gettin out of control. For the last couple of days I have felt like I couldnt breath, so I have taken a nerve pill to help. God I just want one day to go by with me thinking about my weight. I just never see it happening. No matter what I am doing weight is always an issue for me. I am sick of it, so it looks like I would be doing everything in my power to take it off doesnt it. See I ask myself that question all the time, you're scared of a heart attack yeah you do no cardio exercises, you hate being fat yet you over eat, your dad died when you were 12 of a massive stroke (he was 36) and yet you skip days of your own blood pressure medicine. Do I secretly have a death wish? No I dont think I am sucidical (sp) but I just want the madness to stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

Gained Weight

Well my fears were confirmed yesterday, I have gained 10 lbs since I have started back eating. I mean who was I fooling, I have been eating snickers, bites of carmel, dinner mints and anything else that tempted me. Did I think for one minute that the scales would lie to me, no, but I kinda hoped that since I only ate like 4 fun size bars instead of the one king size I would have normally had that some how it would be OK. I told myself on the way home in the car, this is it, I will start following the diet to a tee, I mean I went through major surgery to get here and look at what I am doing. I was sooooo ill and moody all day yesterday, I was mad and disappointed in myself. So this morning I get up and do a weight watchers english muffin with the heart healthy butter, and a cup of def coffee with splenda and benefiber. yeah I know, where is the the protein, sigh. Then I get to work and 2 hours later my stomach is growling. I am still very moody and ill but work was busy today so I was able to ignore the hungry, but then my feelings get hurt at work and what do I do, I go to McDonalds for lunch and have a double cheese burger and 4 piece chicken nuggets , nope no fries. What did I tell myself while I ate it, I am having my first fill on March the 24 and this might be last time I get to eat fast food for a while, what a damn joke!!!!!!!!! I am right back to my old habbits, my feelings were hurt and I dulled the pain with food. Is there any help out there for people like me? Some days I wish there was this magical pill I could take and never want to eat again, oh if ur reading this I am sure you have too or know someone who has. What makes us different from the normal size people out there, is it that we truly lack the will power to say no when enough is enough, or is it true that we have a disease and its not our fault. I smoked for year but quit cold turkey, why cant I just stop over eating, it sounds sooo simple. Put what you are suppose to eat on your plate and when it is gone you stop. It doesnt take a genius to figure that out, so why is it soo damn hard? I know I am not alone but I feel alone. Why do I write in this journal? Cause I hate someone that is wooo is me and I think that is what I have become, Poor little Tammy she cant stop eating, she cant lose weight, well stop freaking eating and you can! I pray months from now, I had orginally said years and deleted it, I look back at this journal and say "you did it, you went through hell and kept going, you didnt stop , and you didnt give-up. I keep telling myself tomorrow is another day and tomorrow you will stay to ur diet and things will get better, but will tomorrow ever come?
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
 

9 cc in a 10 cc band!!!

Ok I had my thrid fill on Friday, May 26th. Now I am told I have a 100 cc band and I already have 6 cc in it so Friday he added 3 more. I have 9 cc in a 10 cc band. He told me I am almost at max. I felt this lump in my throat but wasnt sure if it was the band being too tight or just knowing I only have one cc left to work with. I was banded on Feb 8 or no romantic valentines dinner for me, I will still on liquids then, then all of my fills are been right before a holiday or some kind. Even my 40th B-day. This last one right before Memorial Day, so no cook-outs for me. I am still fairly new to this whole banding experience but I dont think it is suppose to hurt everytime I try and eat. I mean it hurts bad too. I guess I will give it a couple of days and see what happens, if I cant eat by the end of the week I guess I will call my Doctor for a little unfill. My husband took me to see X-Men 3 over the weekend, I saw the first two and loved them both. This is something a normal person would go to and have a really great time but not me, I have trouble in crowds. I sit at home and put on all the make-up, I do the hair and then try to find something in my closet that doesnt make me look so fat, now theres a joke. I can leave the house feeling rather good about myself , (I dont owe I full size mirror), and it never fails, I caught a glimpse of myself in a window or have to walk by a full size mirror. It is all down hill from there. I have often wondered when I have looked at my own reflection over the years did I not see myself getting better? Did I not see I was lossing my chin and cheek bones? I have always been heavy so I am not sure if I have ever seen me, or if this is the real me and I am not meant to be Skinny Tammy, wait skinny is wrong, normal size tammy is probably better. This brings to my mind...My uncle once told me........."hell dont worry about your weight tammy, they fuss if your too fat and they fuss if you're too skinny, its a no win situation". I wonder how true that is, I know for my family it holds a lot of truths. Right before we went to the movies we went to our favorite little rib place, but instead me us ordering for two, we ordered for one and shared. I was able to get a half of a rib down and two bites of a baked potatoe in about 20 minutes. Now unless I plan on drinking all my protein there is no way I was be able to get 80 grams of protein a day. So after that we head out to the movies, we arrive 20 early, cause I have this thing about crawling over people who are already seated. Oh low and behold the seats that I always like to sit in , ya know the ones right up front, the ones that seprate the back from the front, there are only 5 seats were already taken. So we went to the seats ahead of them, in the middle, per my husbands request. This was a big movie weekend so the threater was packed. People to the left of me and people to the right. Now all I can do is sit there and think what if I have a heart attack, or what if I have to throw-up. I was totally miserable the entire time. At one point I even started to sweat and that makes it worse, ( one of the signs of a heart attack) my left arm was hurting ( another sign of a heart attack). I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes. I never have energy, I dont want to think, I dont want to feel. I really dont know what I am suppose to do any more.
Jerseytammy

Jerseytammy

1
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