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The day before the rest of my life

Well, It's Sunday night. I have my first doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon. I've been thinking about this for years and now all of a sudden there is a cancelled appt. and I'm going to the doctors after just a few days. I didn't think I was ready - I didn't know if I could make the "change" in myself. I took a sauna and I 'flicked my switch'!!! I'm ready to do what I need to do. I turn 40 in 9 monhts. I want to be in "one"-der-land by my 40th birthday. Well, there you go, now it's in print. Time to get my ass in gear. I will follow everything to the letter until then and then evaluate where I am. :biggrin:
Iwanttotriagain

Iwanttotriagain

2
 

Ready ... Set .... WAIT!

I'm all set. All tests complete. Now I wait. Beaumont said that it's about a 1 month wait for the psych eval to come back. I'm not sure how considering all I did was pay $200 to fill in some circles. Oh well. Hopefully it will not take that long. I've been good on my psudo-preop diet. I took the suggestion of another blogger and started to log my food onto mydailyplate.com It's AWESOME!!! I feeling good ... and on track ... and not overwhelmed at the thought of 'never being able to eat again'.
Iwanttotriagain

Iwanttotriagain

1
 

Panera will be the death of me

I just realized, through my "mydailyplate.com" journal that a Panera Cinnamon Crunch bagel has 410 calories & 75g carbs. HOLY MOLY. And that's before the tub of cream cheese I put on it. D'oh. We then proceeded to go to lunch for a coworker but I was good at Macaroni Grill. I had the Skinny Chicken. It was actually pretty good. But then dinner comes along and I had a cheeseburger, fries & split a turtle sundae with the hubster. Oh man. I'm so stuck in this JUSTIFICATION of eating it now before I will never be able to eat it again. I'm sure lots of people on this site have gone through this ... I just hope it''s not a message that I'm not ready. Today is Saturday. Weekends are so much harder being home then it is at work. I have to go make french toast for the kids. Sigh.
Iwanttotriagain

Iwanttotriagain

2
 

No April Fool's

Ok, it's the beginning of April so it's no better time to start. I have scheduled all my appointments but am worried that my "doctor supervised" 6 month diet stint will not be accepted because it was 4 1/2 years ago. I started in July of 03 & ended in Nov. 04 with those. I lost 62 lbs but of course have gained most of it back. I''m excited and scared and yesterday being the first of the month I wanted to be "good" and all I could think about was ice cream from Culvers. Which went went and had along with cheezeburgers and fries for dinner. I disgust myself. Get some control girlfriend.! I think it's just because I'm like you have about 3-4 weeks to eat what ever you want so get it out of your system. I had to gain 10 lbs to hit the 40 BMI so now that thought process is lingering ... I need to get over it quick because I feel like CRAP!!!
Iwanttotriagain

Iwanttotriagain

1
 

My History

Just realizing I should probably put down my past. I'm 39 and have struggled all my life. ALL MY LIFE. I"m sick and tired of it. I've been up and down trying everything liquid diets, Weight Watchers you name it. I've been ashamed of all my failures. I have been lucky in one sense, I've married a man that loves me and have 3 great children [9/7/5]. 5Years ago after I delivered my daughter I had to have back surgery due to the fact that I slipped 3 discs delivering her. I was 268 lbs. Had back surgery & the doctor says to me ... So when are you going to do something about that weight? I was really surprised because I thought all my turtlenecks, long hair & sense of humor covered it all! Apparently not! Well, I managed to get to a great doctor & dietician that helped me to get to 203 lbs. through diet and exercise. I trained for a triathelon and did it! Then I had marital problems, went back to work full-time and 4 years later I'm here .... crying again ... praying every day that my pants will fit before I put them on. Here is where my journey begins [in this chapter] releasing control to gain back control of my life and for me? That's huge. Sometimes I think I"m just not worth being a 'normal size' I'm not really sure why but it seems that every time I get down to the 75% point I turn around and stop. I'm just not worth being under 200 lbs. Serious issues that need to be resolved within myself. I do know one thing about myself is that I'm so fricking stubborn that I know when I make up my mind - that's it and I'm happy to report that this weekend I finally have ... resolved myself to this knew life that is!! Easy to say before I actually do anything about it! It will be fun to read this as the months tick cause they are coming anyway whether I do something with my life or not!:biggrin:
Iwanttotriagain

Iwanttotriagain

1
 

It's Just a Tomato

ok, I realize this is small but I just ate a tomato in my salad. I'm sitting here in Panera bread & I ordered 1/2 sandwich & 1/2 salad and I DIDNT ask for them to remove the tomato. I'm making the transition to eating healthier. Now, I hate tomatoes. I'm making the pathway to the healtheir me and I'm very proud of it. Even though in my mtg this morning I had 6 cookies .... I can still rebound and make healtheir choices. Just last week I would have just blown the whole day off and said ... tomorrow I'll try harder and I won't fail. Well, today I thought I'm going to type into my blog and I want to have a trend towards the positive and there you go. The tomato - who knew!?!?!?
Iwanttotriagain

Iwanttotriagain

1
 

Getting my things in order

Well, I have my psych, diet & exerise appointments tomorrow and my ekg/heart thingie on Wedensday and then I should be able to submit to insurance. I'm very excited about all of it. Of course I get nervous about the stories that people haven not only not lost weight but have gained it back and then some. Which I just don't understand. How can you gain weight when you can only eat 1/4 cup at a time? Makes me very nervous. I just suppose it's up to the individual but then that makes me worry even more! I've lost and gained HUNDREDS of lbs, why will this be differnt. When I ran my triathelon I was 213 lbs. and had lost 55 lbs. Well, I said I would NEVER gain that weight back. Never say never because here I am. In 5 years I haven't gained it all back but most of it and the very thought of RUNNING 3 miles on a treadmill is freaking me out. I did all of that while not working but now I work full-time with 3 kids [9/7/5] and there is no way I can spend 2 hrs at the gym everyday. Plus I hate to exercise!!! :thumbup: So, I think I'm with everyone else. I know this is the next step ... but will it work? I worked my ASS off to get from 268 down to 203 and could never break into the 100's. It got to the point that I was burning muscle for energy because I wasn't eating enough! Never say that to a fatty! Then I started to eat more and apparently have never stopped. Sigh. I'm lucky in the sense that my husband of 15 years is very supportive :w00t: and is always there for me but he's the go-along-with-the-flow kinda guy and he would NEVER say, hey toots put that twinkie down and go for a bike ride!! Sometimes he's to supportive!!!
Iwanttotriagain

Iwanttotriagain

3
 

3 more appointments down ...

Well, had my psych evaluation, exercise & nutritional sessions today. Psych: Paid $200 while she watched me fill in circles on a form. She was nice but I felt that they were only weeding out people that would possibly sue the surgeons later afterwards. I felt that it was in place for the hospital and not the well being of the patients. I really could care less - until I had to write the check!!! The other thing I thought was weird is that she didn't shake my hand upon greeting me or at the end of the seession. Now, I work for a top 3 automotive company and I suppose I'm just use to gretting peole that way so it but I thought it was really strange. I kept looking around like ... should I extend my hand? She the authoritiy figure ... but she made a point not to even be in the position to shak it. Weird.:confused2: Exercise Session: Good but nothing earth shattering. Here's a pedometer walk 10,000 steps and exercise 3 times a week. Exercise chick did not shake my hand. Nutritional Session: Fine. Again, not a whole lot of new information just a "typcial" 1200 cal diet to follow until the 2 week pre-op. Suprise - no shaking of the hand. Is that weird? I just don't understand how PROFSSIONAL people could not shake your hand upon greeting you. I don't get it. Germaphobs? :thumbs_up: Anyway, I have to admit I was suprised and a little disappointed by the entire experience. But then I have to think that they see soooo many people that I don't know if it could be any other way. It was MY big decision day - for them it was just another day.
Iwanttotriagain

Iwanttotriagain

4
 

1st day on new diet

My very first day on my new diet from the dietician - I'm still pre-op - and it went very well. I went to the grocery store and I purchased some celery, beets, strawberries, mangos, cantelope, jar or almonds, soy milk and a ton of Kashi cereal. It was actually nice to shop for healthy items! Who knew! I think it's just the control thing. I'm beginning to take control over what has always had control over me! I purchased some disposable containers, cut up everything, portioned it out for work and have it all in the frig already. All I need to do is grab it before I leave. Yea me!:thumbs_up: I did my 1200 cal diet today and I was struggling this afternoon because I was pretty hungry and couldn't eat anything! So I'm actually prepared for tomorrow's work day & eating schedule. I go to the heart ekg & ultrasound tomorrow morning. Hope all that goes well and then I'm done with all my appointments. I believe then it's time to submit.
Iwanttotriagain

Iwanttotriagain

1
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