This week has been a trial to say the least. My aunt, who is my heart and soul, has been very ill and in the hospital for weeks. I visit her almost every day and she cries her eyes out to me telling me how much pain she is in. It breaks my heart because she has a broken back that can only be fixed with surgery, but docs say that she cannot withstand surgery. So basically there isnt much that can be done. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 19 so she and my sis are all I've got (dad hasnt been in the picture since I was a child). To top things off, my sister moved back to Miami from North Carolina and asked me to live with her. Against my better judgement, I agreed. As I expected, we arent getting along. My sister has a very bad temper and gets mad over everything. She is a 39 year old woman and in a matter of 24 hours, she threw a fit at the pharmacy because they were closed and kicked down the products from the shelves. She then yelled obscenities at a plant (I kid you not) because the plant scratched her. Finally, she yelled at me because I went to get a bottle of water and the dog barked and woke her up. That was really the breaking point for me. If I can't even get water without her outbursts...
But I am stuck there under a lease for a year. I've basically been at work, hospital, and then in my room without speaking to her for a week. Normally, this would have made me turn to food. I would have pigged out on all kinds of junk. I wont lie, on Sunday I had a brownie. But, I dusted myself off and have been pretty darn good since. I haven't stuck completely to liquids. I usually have a salad or piece of chicken for dinner. I can tell I am losing weight. Haven't weighed myself this week, but am excited to see what the number reads. Anyway I'm proud of myself. I've managed to overcome a huge obstacle for me- depression eating!
I decided to post my very first blog and make it a trend going forward because, frankly, I need to hold myself accountable. I don't know what is wrong with me. In the past, I have always been very gunho about diets and exercise. Yes, eventually, I would fall of the wagon, but at first-- up to a year at a time, I have been very disciplined. I must admit, I havent been with this band. Starting with the 2 weeks of liquids, I cheated a few times. Ultimately, I did lose 15 pounds or so pre op, but I shouldn't have cheated. Once I got back from surgery, it was hard to do liquids again and I went to pureed much faster than my doctor recommended. Since then it has been a roller coaster. The first month I lost almost 30 pounds. The following 3 months have shown the same 4 pounds off and on again. I can't blame it on anything but myself. I have had 2 fills but I have not been eating the way I should. Protein tends to make me sick. I even bought lean cuisines and those made me sick too. So I find myself eating things I totally shouldnt. Like last week I had friggin lasagna (and not the lean cuisine type). I've also been drinking diet coke. It is this addiction that is so hard for me to give up. I swear I break out in sweats just thinking about it. I dont know why I have no motivation but the weight isnt going to come off alone. I refuse to even step on that scale this week because I can just tell by my reflection that another pound has creeped back on. So I've decided, come hell or high water, that the next week (possibly two) will be full liquids again and NO MORE DIET COKE. I WILL start exercising and after that I will start eating low carb and journaling my food. Someone out there, please keep me in check. I do so much better when I have someone to be accountable to besides myself.
Over and out.
