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My Journey of Change

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Erosion

Well...I'm looking at my past post to my blog...I'm so very devasted. It looks like my band has eroded. It is the end of my band life, and not by choice. I'm praying the erosion is not severe and my healing will go ok. With everything going on in my life, I don't know how I'll cope but I know I will find my inner strength. I'm praying for the best!
Shontel

Shontel

1
 

One Week Ban-a-versary!

So I'm one week post-band, and have lost 17 pounds!! I'm really pumped about that, even thought its probably all water. Feeling much better but still sore where port is. I went to the grocery store yesterday to look for some yogurt, and it was so weird. I kinda felt sad. Sorta like mourning over all the foods (bad ones, that I had no business eating to start with) that I wouldn't be able to eat. Sort of therapeutic I guess.
Shontel

Shontel

2
 

BANDLAND

Well I DID make it. Not without some quick thinking and shuffling, but I did it. I got to Mexico and was informed that I'd have to have the surgery that same day! I was a little nervous, had to mentally prepare myself (thought I'd at least get a good last meal in...) but I came to get banded so lets get on with it! The process was as good as I've ever been through in a US hospital. Very comforting nurses and procedures were identical to those in U.S. I was glad to get back home a couple of days later though, nothing like your own bed. I'm almost a week post-op and am starting thick liquids. This has been MUCH more satisfying to me. I'm not that hungry (mainly 'head' hunger) I am taking each day as a learning experience. I look forward to the day that my band and I will become good friends :Banane59: We are learning each other right now, and I am an open book, willing to learn and make new chapters in my life, with its help.
Shontel

Shontel

1
 

Unsure If I will be able to Make Fridays Date...

Purely Financial. When you own your own business, sometimes your cash flow is bumped, so as of now, I'm unsure about Friday. Won't know until Tomorrow. I have NO IDEA HOW I WILL NOT GO INSANE BEFORE THEN. Its definitely Nyquil tonight. Haven't slept (really slept) in 3 days. I have been praying for a favor. (Not that I'm that spiritual, b/c im SO not) but its funny how I think sometimes God tests you. Today as I grabbed a shopping cart to go into my local grocery store, someone had left their billfold in it. I felt such guilt, but wanted to look in it. I didn't. I brought it to Customer Service. (this once happend to me, except it was my entire purse: ie wallet, cell phone, ect) and someone was kind enough to turn it in. So I did the same (I would have anyway) I think maybe God was testing me. Hopefully my funds will come through, and I will be able to make my trip. Here's Hoping! TBC...
Shontel

Shontel

1
 

6 Days

I have to get away from this computer screen and GO DO SOMETHING!! I will definitely go crazy if I don't. I have so much to do before I go...Today I think my quest will be....Go get some Bean w/ Bacon Soup....I'm seriously losing it...lol. OK, going do some yard work....I...just....haaave....to.....:confused:
Shontel

Shontel

1
 

7 days and counting...

Next Saturday I will be in Band-land (and la-la land) [grinning] I am seriously getting excited. I have this daily ritual, come here, read for an enormously long time...post sometimes..then, I'll get my work done (work, what the heck is that....) I am self employed so I have to REMIND myself to do so. Then I begin thinking about what I still need to get..amoung the many things I have begun to collect for my life changing surgery. I think today I will go to GNC and get some more ISOPURE drinks. Maybe some Gas X...I am secretly laughing at myself. I'm like this giddy little child knowing I'm going to get a nice big present for my birthday (or I should say band-day) No one really knows about this, but people are now saying, what's wrong with you lately? You seem so 'perky' I just smile and say, its good to be alive! (ok, am I THAT hoakey?) I'll be flying to Mexico, so I am a little anxious about that, but overall I'm SO SO SO READY!!! To be continued :confused:
Shontel

Shontel

1
 

Obsession

It's now an obsession. Well, it always has been. My weight. I wonder why it defines me so. I wonder why I can't just accept how I look and not get caught up in this web of self-hatred and doubt. I think now of all the things I have wanted to do up to now and said...well when I lose this weight, I'll do that. How accomplished I would be! I have always been an all or nothing person. I've always pushed myself to the limits (that includes indulgences like GOOD FOOD) Now I must admit defeat. Food is winning. Food has taken control of me. If I don't do something, it will destroy me. I dream of being able to walk and not have ankle pain. To be able to cross my legs again, to be able to fit in a chair without my hips touching the arms of it. This obsession with food is slowly shifting. Its not going to beat me! I will learn to like you food, not obsess over you. I will learn to love myself and like food. This is my prayer.
Shontel

Shontel

1
 

helluva day

So its 15 days till I leave for Mexico. I saw my mom yesterday. I'd only told her a week ago (and debated at that) She was very supportive, asked me if I was scared about going to Mexico. I said to her, no, I'm not afraid at all about that, I've done my research, I've talked to countless people, I'm confident about that. Its just this friend I'm loosing that I'm sad about. Food is my best friend. How will I cope? How will I make it? In moments of desparity, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. It doesn't take me long to realize that I am though. I have a sexy pic of myself years ago at a party in some snug fitting Levis and a hot little shirt, THAT is my constant motivation. Today I was going crazy trying to get way too many things done, I noticed at lunch that I'd just 'forgotten' to eat. That's what gets me every time. I swung through Wendy's and got a club sandwich. Just chunked the bread and wrapped the lettuce around turkey, swiss and bacon drank a bottle of water and ate a few baked lays. I was pondering on how easy that was. ITS JUST FOOD, I thought. Its going to nourish you. I keep trying to pump myself up, trying to convince myself that my choices are bad, not me. For today at least, I believe that. Tomorrow is another day....to be continued
Shontel

Shontel

1
 

How I got here

So here it is. I'm fat. Not because I have some dreaded thyroid or metabolisim problem. Because I love food. I adore food. It has ruled over me for years and now I am bargaining with it. I saying to it, 'listen, I love you, I NEED you, but we have to come to an agreement' I am 100 pounds overweight. I am one of the 'invisible' ones. You know us, to many people out there, morbidly obese people don't exist. I can't or don't blame society for this, but I am bound and determined that I will not be one of those statistics. I want to feel like me again. Its been many years since I've felt whole. I have 19 days left before my journey takes a new road, I'm preparing for the bumps an valleys. Heres to my season of change.
Shontel

Shontel

2
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