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About this blog

Finding balance with my body and mind.

Entries in this blog

 

The fitting room

Tonight I spent too long in a fitting room. I know all the 'feel good', 'positive body talk' rhetoric and how we should be kind to ourselves. But frankly, I was so grossed out. Who was that fat girl in the mirror? The heaving lower belly, like udders without nipples. The new dark purple stretch marks, crawling from above my bikini line like poison in my veins. Who IS that? The ill-fitting bra, confused as to where it should rest, over or under the back rolls. The lumpy cheese thighs, spotted with patches of broken blood vessels. The butt, which starts somewhere below the back rolls and ends somewhere above the meaty calves. The stance, awkward and pigeon-toed because the thighs are too large for the feet to get much closer together. Notice I don't say MY feet or MY butt. Because it doesn't even feel like my body anymore. The only good part of the whole interaction with 'The Body' was that it reinforced how much I would like to move forward with the surgery. My appt. with the surgeon is next week and I've been up and down with my feelings of certainty or lack thereof. In some sad but undeniable way, the fitting room, and so many other daily indignities may be what I need to muster up the ultimate certainty. I had hoped the decision would come rationally and organically. I do the research, attend the seminars and supprt groups, read the materials and BOOM, I'm certain. But it hasn't been that way. I hear about slime and PBs and scars and no eating of dounts (Ever. Again.) and I feel totally uncertain, afraid. Like I'm a 15 year old getting a boob job or something. Like this is just so dangerous, vain and uneccesary. Sometimes I regret reading every gritty detail of any and everything bad that can happen. I think overall it has muddied what should be a clear decision.
Constance

Constance

3
 

Adios Cigna!

After two denials I decided to go to Mexico for sugery. Specifically, Dr. Ortiz. Of course he has a pre-op diet. Yep, I just HAD to pick the doc with a pre-op diet. So tonight was the Last Supper. Mexican with ice cream for dessert. I bought some protein powder from GNC and hopefully it isn't super gross. I can't believe surgery is just a little over a week away. Wow. I'm excited but scared. The life changes ahead of me are huge. But that would be true no matter which weight loss path I chose. The fact is, I have had an unhealthy relationship with food and eating and I need help to change. I just want to make it through the next 7 days without food. It is both a mental and ohysical challenge. I know I can do it!
Constance

Constance

3
 

I said yes.

Yesterday I met with the surgeon. As I sat in the waiting area with other heavy ladies, I wondered where they were in the process. How much had they lost? Were they in for a fill? I noticed one lady look another up and down as she talked to the receptionist with her back to us. We were all checking each other out - how silly! I suppose it is natural. We want to see results, if not on ourselves then on someone else.   After a bit of a wait I met with the doctor. He was friendly and apologetic for the wait. He gave me some info and talked a bit about what to expect. He put his goal for me at 141. I haven't weighed that since I was 14 years old! He was very encouraging without being sales pitchy. I asked him to show me where my port would be and he drew a line on my belly. He made some reccomendations for a few more tests and got to the final question. "So, I think this surgery would be good for you...do you want to move forward?". And I said yes.   His demeanor really put me at ease. At one point, when I said I was nervous, he said "you know, I could do this surgery this afternoon, it would only take an hour. But I want you to get your pre-op work finished and get this covered under your insurance, and in the mean time, you'll feel less nervous"   So now I wait...and try to get all my info in order. I had initially accepted that I had a good chance of being self-pay. But now, as I learn more about how the surgeon's office can help me get approval, I'm willing to do whatever I can to get coverage. I am meeting with my PCP on Monday to try and fill in the blanks in my chart. I wasn't technically on a supervised diet, but I was coming in every few months complaining about my weight. So if we can get that more complete I may be able to show my 6 months or more of diet under supervision.
Constance

Constance

1
 

Go ahead, eat whatever you want.

Monday I met with my PCP. After much discussion of my chart and good ol' Cigna, we came to the conclusion that I will probably need to weigh-in for 3 more months. Even though she has appointments with me dating back 2 years and me being substantially overweight each time - Cigna will probably want to see 6 consecutive months. But we don't know for sure and I have asked the surgeon's insurance biller to advise me.   In any case, my doctor said I was (finally?) at a BMI of 41, something Cigna sees as good reason to approve the surgery. So, assuming I have another 3 months to go, I need to keep this weight. That's right no dieting, folks. Isn't this what we all dream about?! Go ahead, eat whatever you want, you simply *must* if you want this covered under insurance. UUUGGGH, I feel so terribly gigantic. Every aspect of physical movement is embarassing and makes me self-conscious. I simply have never been so heavy, so it is hard to be comfortable, in my head AND in my body.   I have decided not to tell my friends and family. My husband and daughter, yes...and one friend who is a good secret keeper. But I just don't want the judgement and opinions of anyone else. They are all lifetime thin people who just don't 'get it'. Or they are jerky judemental fat people who think I don't try hard enough. (Yeah, because they have obviously tapped into this will power, right?) So my friends and family see me and my hugeness and they are concerned. They ask "so, are you working out lately" or the even more obnoxiously ambiguous, "Is everything *OK*?" I hate not being able to say, "look, I know I'm huge right now, but this fatness could mean 10,000$ for me towards surgery that will make me LESS fat". Yes, it is completely effed up. Let's thank the insurance companies for that.   "Oh you need back surgery? Well, we need you to bend over and pick up boxes every day for a few months. You know, so we can be SURE you need the back suregery." So ridiculous.
Constance

Constance

1
 

Waiting

I am 5 months into the 6 month wait. It has been especially tough maintaining this weight and not telling most of my friends and family why I am so heavy and doing nothing about it. These months have forced me to just accept myself, more than ever. I don't know if I've been so sucessful at that. More than anything I just try to ignore how large and gross I feel. I have new stretch marks, something I haven't seen since I was 12 years old. They remind me of the permanence of being this heavy. I'm so anxious to get the weight off. Yet at the same time I go through times where I feel so much apprehension about the surgery. Will I get sick of all the caution around what to eat, chewiing enough, etc.? I am trying to be patient and keep up my self-esteem and body image. I know the weight loss isn't a cure all...but I do think it will feel fantastic!
Constance

Constance

1
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