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what the hell am I up for...

Hey, I am tired but I can't sleep...doesn't make sense! I was born in the wrong time zone I think. Anyway...work is crushing me, but it's ok. I just hate the stupid bs politics that I (we all) have to deal with day in and day out...I start fantasizing about saying shove it up your arse ya jackasses and just walking out....but then I've had that fantasy forever. Oh well, the other thing buggin me is my daughter. She is so stubborn and such a smartass that she will see me in my grave before she makes a move to reunite with me and the rest of the family...she's just amazing....I hope this is just a phase of extreme narcissim...is there such a thing? I can only gues that its because I am a marshmallow and I feel sorry for everyone and everything...that she has become exactly the opposite...closely related to sociopathy actually....kinda scarry too but not like she would kill anyone...just like she would rip their heart out and run over it...ummm....yes I do sound nutso...this is what kids do to unsuspecting parents sometimes! Ok enough of her...The work shop is the day after tommorow...and tommorow is my 42nd birthday...I find that hard to believe...I think I lost like ten or fifteen years somewhere...oh yeah they are buried in fat...maybe I will see them dripping off me soon...hope so! Ok I am rambling cuz I don't have much to say so nighty night!:faint:
chameleon

chameleon

2
 

Wednesday, 2/1/06

well I am on here at 12:30 am cuz I can't sleep. I have not slept well in over a year. This past year has sucked...no wait let me tack on 20 years...no it hasn't been all bad, I have 2 beautiful kids and a second husband who is great 90% of the time so I am very greatful for those gifts. I am also very excited to have this surgery. I am trying not to get too excited though so I am only in the beginning stages... I have filled out the paperwork, found out that my insurance co. does approve the surgery when all the criteria are met, have gotten the ok from my oncologist and am scheduled to attend a work shop in 2 weeks. Yes I did say oncologist, I had breast ca in 2001 when I was 37, did chemo and radiation and got it back in my lung last year, had the small middle lobe of my right lung removed last Feb 28th and did chemo again til July. whats really scarry is that just before each of these cancers were found I was at this same stage of looking into bariatric surgery. I am hoping that the reason was that I needed to wait for this lap band procedure to become more prevalent because I was going to opt for the roux en y on the other occasions! I am glad I didn't! I am about 135 pounds over my ideal bw...a whole woman! I don't know how I got this way...no seriously...I am a dietician by education and I have done everything under the sun and still here I am. I was not always fat, although I always thought I was. Now I know my body image has been messed up all of my life. I thought I was a blimp when I was 19 and 5'7" at 130 pounds! Now I am over 2x that and I actually don't realize I am as fat as I am until I see myself in a picture or a home video or naked in a mirror, then it's like wham ohh my god is that you in there?? I knew I was somewhat obsessed with losing weight all of my adult life but the flares really went up the first time I was diagnosed with Cancer at 37. My first thought was God please let me live to see my babies grow up and get on their way. The very next thought was well at least I will loose some weight finally. Well guess what...I gained weight with chemo...the drugs I took for nausea blew me up and then, I would try to find any kind of food I could keep down and I would eat so my stomach would stay full and my tastebuds would stay occupied with a thought of anything but the disgusting taste that was always in my mouth during chemo. I put 20 more pounds on my 220 pound body! I gained another 15 more over the next 3 years and then lost about 10 at the gym over the next year. Then I was diagnosed again last Feb 21st, one month to the day of my fathers death from lung cancer, (he hadn't smoked in 20 years and died Jan 21st at 66 after only 5 months from diagnosis. He was the greatest man I'll ever know) Prior to this I had just taken a new position with the giant conglomerate of a corporation that I had worked for since graduating college in 89 and had moved up through the ranks to be offered this "fabulous" opportunity about 500 miles from my home and the rest of my family. My husband and I decided it was a great offer and he quit his job, I sold my home that I loved, we took my 13 year old son and we moved in July of 2004 My dad was diagnosed in August. The company wrote a bad contract and lost the account in December, I quit smoking on Jan 2nd, 2005 (I never quit before except during chemo because I took my surgeons words "this cancer has nothing to do with ciggarette smoking" as a lifeline to smoke on and on and on, but as I watched my healthy handsome father die a rotten death that WAS definately due to smoking I could no longer justify it to myself). and dad died a few weeks later, then I was diagnosed four weeks after that, did my chemo and got a great job offer back in my hometown! Thats my story in a large nutshell! Anyway, gettin back to the surgery, my sister gets upset because I make jokes about how I am afraid that the insurance company will find some reason to decline me because I am a bad long term return risk....If ya don't believe they would do such a thing....WAKE UP! Then there will be a war cuz I have made up my mind that even if I live for a year or 40 years after the weight is off it's better than dieing fat like I am now. I think of all the grief and humiliation and disrespect and physical pain that being fat has caused me and I think NO MORE!!!! No more being wedged into an airplane or theatre or opera house seat, no more not riding roller coasters because I am too afraid to even go up to the car for fear of the intense humiliation that would ensue if I was told that I was too fat for the bar to lock down, No more knee, back and hip pain, no more lights out for sex, no more worrying that it will take twenty pallbearers to carry my coffin in my funeral...YES I DO THINK OF THAT! I just refuse to bear that final humiliation! I am so ready to live life to it's fullest and feel good about myself for the first time in 20 years...Life is way too short to live it this way. love, me:kiss2:
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

tired of waiting

The whole waiting game is gettin pretty old now, I've been persuing htis since February! It's been 4 months now and they are jut now sending the stuff into my insurance company for approval! I am just out of patience I guess. I alo just found out last night that we are going to have to tep up our house hunting because the woman we are renting our house from said she has to sell it. I wish she would have told us last June that she was gonna sell it after a year, because at the time she said "don't worry about me sellin it out from under you, as long as you want to rent is fine. I never would have rented it! Now we are faced with renting again and starting to build or buying whatever house we can find wether we like it or not, and I have not seen anything for less than 200K that I like. I'm startin to think that we need to forget about living within our means and just go for it! We have no credit card debt, only one vehicle loan and that's it. I wonder how much the monthly payment will be to finance 190K? I'll have to go find a mortgage loan sight. Oh well, I do like the excitement of having a big decision on the horizon...why do I like that?? I don't know anyone else that would find any pleasure in it! I also need a new car. Ummm I need to find a way to add about 7 or 8 hundred a month to our income quick! Any ideas? didn't think so! well I'm off to surf for mortgage rates. me
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

the pain saga continues....

I am still in terrible pain with what they are calling arthritus in my hip. I am unable to sleep without taking pain pills, vicodin to be exact and the Dr's are so afraid of getting in trouble for perscribing htem that they don't want to write a prescription for me. I don't know what to do about this though! I just took the last one which I have been metering them out and trying very hard to make them last at least so that I have something available to take some of the edge off this pain so I can fall asleep for awhile at night. The pain doesn't seem so bad in the morning and in the early afternoon, but as the day gets later I get more and more miserable...and mean. Chronic pain makes a person mean and crazy I think. I am not this person! Ifeel so helpless and the Dr's just say Oh we'll see how you are in a couple of weeks and then I have to discreetly beg for medicine and they finally relent and five me a perscription for like 12 or something. 12 will last me 4 days, I know I sound like a crack whore but I am not! I do not like to have to take these but I also have to sleep and I have to go to work and I have to function! There is no position that I have found that gives me any reief...none so there is nothing that I can even do. Sometimes I am afraid because I get so crazy with pain that I will get up at 1,2 3,4,5 in the morning and just wander the house looking for anything, something that might help. I take ibuprofen by the gross, drink some vodka, take a couple of otc sleeping pills, drink Nyquil, anything to help me fall asleep and not feel pain for a couple of hours. I was watching HOUSE MD the other night and I thought..."really what the hell does a person do when they are in chronic pain like that???" I mean I completely love and empathise with his character! I cry in bed every night that I don't have any pain meds, I don't cry myself to sleep, I just lay there and cry. I do sleep for 2 or 3 hours a night just out of exhaustion but otherwise I pace the house and cry. I am sooo tired and sooo frustrated and I don't know what to do.
chameleon

chameleon

3
 

the long wait...

Well it's 2007 and I am still not banded. I have my last meetintg with the Dr. on Jan 8, prior to them re-submitting my stuff to insurance. I am really hoping and praying for a Feb. surgery date....keep your fingers crossed! Other stuff...I am battling a horrible cold/flu this week and spent New Years Eve in bed sick and today, New Years day I fell a little better, but still achy and fevery and stuffy...yuck. Anyhow, I think my daughter is moving back home for awhile to get her head on straight and hopefully to make college her priority rather than bf's which, as we all know, tend to complicate college and life in general sometimes. I am afraid she i just like me in that she feels that she can't be alone so she is always in some convoluted relationship or just breaking out of one as she is now. She is a beautiful intelligent girl too...she just needs to get a little confidence in herself and also to recognize more value in herself than she has in the past. When I say she is beautiful, I don't just say that as her mom but also objectively she really is a beauty. She could literally have any guy she wants but she always seems to get sucked in by loosers...Guys with no future, no ambition, selfish little weinees all of them. I don't know what to say or do except to try to help her identify patterns of behavior that put her at risk of picking up a loooooser. Oh well enough of that for now. GTG
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

Superbowl Sunday....

Well, Its 10 days till the workshop, I am planning on having my surgery at Cleveland Clinic with Dr. Phillip Shauer. I am probably being too hopeful at this point about being allowed to have the surgery, I still have to be approved by the ins. co. as well as the dr.'s. I guess I passed the preliminary requirements though since they called me back to schedule me for this work shop. It did take some time though since after reviewing my information they also had to get the ok from my oncologist who would not give the go ahead until after my latest set of scans which turned out to be fine (Thank you God:rolleyes: ). I know I meet all of the basic stuff, ie: being at least 100 lbs over ibw...I'm about 135 over, having at least a 5 year history of obesity....try 18 years, having tried numerous commercial and Dr. assisted diets/weight loss programs...well lets see....how big can this journal entry be....started with amphetamines when I was 17 and not even fat, I thought I was but I wasn't at 5'7" and 130 pounds! then did the dexatrim thing that was so popular back in the early 80's. Then the Hilton Head diet (which is actually a pretty good plan if you are disciplined enough to follow it), The whole Susan Powter gamut, (great lady, a little bit of a man hater, but a great motivator),Then Mayo Clinic, Then more dexatrim, then Weight watchers (Great plan for those who enjoy the public rewards and patting ya on the back thing...but really the best plan out there today), Cambridge (yuck yuck and more yuck), Then optifast (Lotsa Money and Lotsa Yuck), Then the grapefruit diet, the cabbage soup diet, More weight watchers, Atkins, South Beach, More weight watchers, Revisited Susan Powter (just for a pick me up and because I was newly divorced and I was also a man hater for a little tiny while and then, because I really love sex and men and being in love, I just evolved into an ex husband hater-pitier), Interspersed in all of these commercial attempts were 3 Hypnosis attempts (Can you say too cynical to let the power of suggestion to be anything but a joke), One 3 month stint with redux (I lost 40 pounds in 3 months and didn't even have to try, of course it was ripped from the shelves after people started to keel over from pulmonary embollisms, and hear valve damage....wouldn't ya know it....the only thing that hs ever ever worked and it has to kill people!!! I am so twisted that I searched and searched for it on the black market even though it was deadly....Such is the power of the promise of weight loss and beauty...it's my heroine), the how can I forget Xenical....Oh Xenical the diarrhea drug...there is something to say about shitting yourself at will, or even not at will...It's lovely to put on a pair of panty hose and just have shit oil dripping outta you like you're a leaky oil pan....no not a pretty picture, I only lasted for about a week with that...I had to be at work every day, I didn't have the luxury of laying in bed all day with a diaper on!, the list goes on....ritalin, trim spa, Dr. Phil, metabolife (before and after ephedrine), and I am sure that I am forgetting another 10 or so. The weight history goes like this: 17 127 19 130 20 151(had my daughter) 23 163 26 178 27 199(had my son) 30 223 32 247 33 207 (redux!) 34 214 35 221 36 223 37 237 (breast cancer) 40 245 41 272 (quit smoking! metastisis of breast cancer to lung)   So...here I am, still alive and healthy except for the cancer which is gone or hiding right now, high cholesterol, and a herniated disk which waxes and wanes. But heres how I see it. Cancer or not I still want to feel good about my body. I may not be a good long term risk for the insurance company to invest in this surgery because I could live for 2 more years or I could live for 40 more years money's on less than 40 granted but whatever it is, I want to hold my head up high and enjoy the rest of my life being active and riding jet skiis with my son and boating and swimming with my husband. I love life and I want to do this so I hope the math doesn't stop them from giving me this chance, cuz if it does, there is no way I can afford it on my own. OK I'm off my soap box and getting ready for the Big Game!!! Go Steelers!:clap2:
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

Still waiting...

Well it's been 17 days since my stuff was mailed into insurance and I haven't heard anything yet. I'm counting weekends...so I guess they actually received it on monday July 31st...two weeks ago yesterday. I want to call them and find out the status of it but I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize this either, because there is no way in hell that I could ever self pay and I want this so badly. My husband, who is so absolutely wonderful and loving said last night "hon...I worry about you if they end up denying it...are you gonna be ok?" I really hadn't considered this as a real possibility before, since I meet and exceed every requirement they need. But in the back of my mind is always the cancer history and them really thinking that I'm not a good long term risk to invest their money in. I wonder if they can do that for real? I mean I know it's all about money for the insurance companies, like the risk to benefit ratio is not the same thought process for them as a company as it is for me as a patient. They are thinking would it save us money in the long run to provide this care for this person or are the odds against this person living long enough to justify spending this money for this surgery that would normally be worth it since it would prevent us from having to pay for diabetes, heart failure, joint replacement, and any other obesity related malady. But in this case, the odds are against the patient living long enough to cost us the money to pay for those things and this procedure is not gonna reduce the risk of cancer reoccurring so why do it?   This is the kind of crazy shit that goes through my head. Cynical, Skeptical, Untrusting, Paranoid, YES I am all of these things when it comes to insurance....why? Because I've been there, done it all.   It's not that I expect to die from cancer any time soon but, I am kinda scared about it, since my luck hasn't been very good in life and after the metastisis to my lung in Feb of 05 they gave me a 70% chance of surviving 5 years. That is scarry shit man! I mean, does that mean that the odds get worse for say a ten year survival rate? Like, does that mean I have a 35% chance of living for ten years or something? I mean, I'm friggin 42 years old! I don't know....I just get scared sometimes. Not very often, only if I really think about stuff. Usually I am my "normal" self and I use the word normal loosely, believe me! Ok I am done for now gotta go to work. peace out.....:hippie:
chameleon

chameleon

3
 

Still unbanded and waiting for ins approval....

Ok...this is really ridiculous. I am still waiting to hear about this damn surgery. I have been trying to get this for 6 months now and I don't think that the cleveland clinic has even sent my stuff into my insurance company for approval yet...it's been bad enough waiting for the half assed letter my pcp finally sent, but I have been telling them to take my weights and dates from their records since I have been a patient for 5 years at the clinic and they have weights for me every 6 months of that time...WTF...I am just soooo frustrated:angry
chameleon

chameleon

2
 

still here...

I was just missing you all and thought i would post just to say im still alive. I started chemo a couple of months ago. I have just finised the second round and today i feel pretty good...actually almost normal with the help of some friendly pain meds. Most of my hair has fallen out again, but I just can't stand to wear a wig so I go around wth a do rag on my head. Actually I am developing quite the collection of do rags with the help of my friend Judy who has been creative enough to make me a bunch of them with sparkly sequins and all! Anyhow, I was just thinkin, maybe I shouldn't totally give up on the band yet. Maybe after Im done with chemo I will think about it again. No need to die fat huh?? ttyl Love, :kiss2:me
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

spinning my wheels...

I am on a weight watchers high..ya know that euphoric feeling that comes over you when you are still in your first few weeks of ww? I joined last week so that I can at least loose a little bit of weight while I wile away my days waiting for my insurance company to take their thumbs outta their asses and approve me. Anyhow of course I lsot my obligatory 4.5 pounds in my first week, and of course it wasn't even hard...not at all as a matter of fact. There were actually a couple of days that I couldn't even eat the last couple of points. Why is this??? Why can I do so well on ww for the first 4 or 6 weeks, then I just peeter out. Maybe, no probably because I loose those first 20 lbs so easily, then it gets harder. I know your only supposed to set small goals, but I can't fool myself completely, that 140 pounds over all that I have to loose to get to my goal is a HUGE, Ginormous, Gargantuan Monstrous number and it scares the shit outta me. I loose 5 pounds and I think ok, only 135 to go....you're 5/140ths there girlfriend....go, go, go, you CAN DO THIS. Then I start the mental figuring...this is what I always, always, always do when I start a new weight loss effort...I'll be walking on the track, or on the elliptical or on my way home from ww or anywhere and I start doing the calculations in my head..."ok I am 280 now...If I keep loosing at this rate I will be 260 in 4 weeks, then I'll be 240 in 8 weeks, then 220 in 12 weeks, then 200 in 16 weeks, then 180 in 20 weeks, then 160 in 24 weeks, then 140 in 28 weeks, then I shoould make my goal of 137 in 28 and a half weeks...whooo hooooo!! Then reality sets in and I go, Ok theres no way in hell that I will keep up a 5 pound per week weight loss....Ok lets figure it this way. I am sooo fat that I can probably keep up the 5 pound per week loss for like 8 weeks...that'll bring me to 240, then I can probably looses 3 lbs per week til I get to 200...umm lets see, that'll be like 13 weeks, so in 21 weeks I can be at 200. Ok then I'll probably slow to about 2.5 pounds per week til I hit 175, so lets see...that'll be like 10 more weeks so in 31 weeks I can be 175, so then it'll probly slow down to 2 pounds per week till I hit 150, so that outta take another 12 weeks so in 43 weeks I will be 150. So It'll probly slow down to 1.5 lbs per week til I hit 137 so in a total of 51 weeks I will be at goal!!! So I can comfortably say that in 1 year I will be at my goal weight!" This talk has taken up hours and hours of my thought processes over the past 20 years...I can't even estimate how muc time I have wasted on these pathetic calculations...over and over again like an obsession I do this. I should have lost 700,000 pounds by now if all of these strategizing sessions produced the desired results. I estimate that I have given ww somewhere in the neighborhood of 1200.00 over the years...now thats nothing compared to some women friends I have. Some of them just keep paying and paying and paying for years even when they don't go or follow the plan for months and months at a time. I bet I know women who have spent 5000.00 at weight watchers, just for attending not for products and they all loose some weight and put it back plus a few then loose some more...blah blah blah. I do know this. Weight Watchers is the BEST, Healthiest, most effective eating plan known to womankind. I say this as a dietician and as a woman who looses lots of weight on the flex or point plan AS LONG AS I DO IT! AND AS LONG AS I JOURNALIZE. You loose the battle when you stop writing I do know this. Anyhow, my current dilemma is that i wonder what I will do when I loose 35 pounds, I worry that if I loose more that I will not be eligible for the surgery even if med mutual ever coughs up the cash. So I ask myself....what will I do then? Should I loose as much as I am allowed and then try to maintain at 245? I keep thinking in my head about statistics...the statistic that only 7% of women who loose a significant amount of weight kepp it off for more than 2 years. I then wonder what percentage of ww women have lost 140 pounds. Then I try to apply that 7% number to the number of ww women and I come out to like 2....No just joking...I really don't know what the actual statistic is for ww over time. I drive myself crazy with thse number things. I can use numebrs to justify anything and I do it all the time. My quest for weight loss started this craziness and it has never stopped, not since after the birth of my daughter when I had gained 20 lbs...from 131 to 151 after birth when she was about 3 months old and I hit my first plateau...at 151....God what a gift and I thought it was such a curse! I remember my frustration at not being able to get that weight off...If I had a crystal ball then I would have only needed one bullet. Anyway, I was proud of my 4.4 lb weight loss at my weekly ww meeting yesterday, but I was even more proud of the man who was sitting behind me. He probably weighs about 350 or 375 and is about 5'10" and I would guess he's about 35 years old. He's a black man and I can tell he is a successful classy business man...he doesn't have spinners on the wheels of his late model beige colored Chrysler 300 nor does it have curb finders or any of the other paraphanelia that many black guys feel that they need to show how proud they are of their blackness. These men always come off as so pathetic to me...aspiring to be a pimp...anyway, this man is comfortable with his success and does not feel the need to prove any thing to any one. He is real. I know it sounds like I am attracted to him but I am not. I am proud of him because last week ( he joined the same day I did) he was talking about how he was looking into weight loss surgery and that he heard about someones great success at ww and he thought he should give it one last ditch effort. He came in yesterday and beat my 4.4 pound loss into the dirt with his 9.6 pound loss in one week. He was so happy and amazed that I was happy with him and for him. It was as though he got a new lease on HOPE. That's when I realized it...I had lost all HOPE of ever loosing this weight and this lapband procedure has given it back to me. I know that I will not be 280 pounds a year from now. I know that I will have lost a great majority, if not all of this burden of carrying around a whole extra person. This gives me such happiness, it's like a drug...a really good drug. I am not touting wls to this black man in my ww class. I am a dietician, I am supposed to believe that if you eat right and eat less nd move more you will loose weight. I will continue to g to ww even after I have had the surgery, and I will try to keep tabs on this man and I will tell him someday if he is struggling about this wls. But not yet. He might be one of the ones who makes it on his own...I wish I was because I feel like somewhat of a fraud doing this, but I don't care enough to continue to live fat. Well that's enough of that! Love, Me:kiss2:
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

some relief...

I finally got my MRI done on Thursday. No results back yet but at least the Orthopaedic Surgeon gave me a perscription for darvicet which has helped. I have not heard back about whether or not Cleveland Clinis is ready to resubmit to the insurance company or not and they seem to be too busy to call me back....well I won't give up. I am in better spirits today and I am still very hopeful Thanks to all my buds out there!
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

slow as molasses.....

Ok, I am off my first week on ww euphoria. I only lost .6 pounds this week...wtf?? I ate les than the first week...but....I walked 3 days out of the first week 3 miles each time and I did nothing the second week...hmmmmm....could it be that excersize actually helps????...who woulda thunk it! Anyhow, I guess I gotta get my ass back out there...I would so much rather be a slug and loose weight any way like these little tiny girls who eat 5000 calories a day and never move a muscle all day...and yes there are a lot of them out there. What the hell is wrong with my computer I think its possessed. O well Im not in the mood for this right now. peace out home girls.:peace:
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

slow and steady...pisses me off

Ok, I guess it's better to loose .2 pounds in a week than to gain or maintain, but this is killing me!!! I have been following this ww point thing perfectly and not even using 1 single point out of the extra 35 per week and I still have lost less than a pound a week for the last two weeks! WTF??? I even had a couple of days each week where I had a vew points left over. Because of my weight I am allotted 31 points per day. maybe this is too much. Maybe I need to lower it to 25 or something. Anyhow I know this is not s'posed to be a ww journal so I wont go on and on. On the band front, I am still seeing the dietician once a month through Jan so that the financial person at Cleveland Clinic can send in the 6 month clinically documented weight loss attempt. I have to travel 1 and 1/2 hours to the clinic and I was supposed to see her last Friday but I was running late and I called to let them know that it looked like I was gonna be 15 minutes late about 45 minutes before I was scheduled to be there. They were like "ok don't worry about it" so I get a call about 45 minutes later and they say that the dietician has an appointment scheduled an she can't stay and wait for me so I would have to reschedule. I think I need to find a dietician to see locally because this is bullshit to begin with but its even more bullshit for me to have to drive 3 hours roundtrip for a 20 minute appointment that is bogus anyway. I am so pissed about this whole waiting and getting more and more shit for the f ing insurance company. I have been persuing this since last February. I had all of my testing done in March and I am positively sure that the bastards will make me re-do it all since I will not get reconsidered for this til at least February of 2007. I swear to god they really are waiting to see if I will die first so they don't have to pay for this thing.:angry
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

sleepy

I am beat! Very tough few days at work and my 21 year old daughter who is goin on 10 is ticking me off. My 14 year old son is my salvation now! I guess the first one gets ripped off in some ways...they are the product of on the job parent training and the second one gets the seasoned professional...with a little more money too! I am gonna start to track my food on here so just skip it cuz food tracking can't be anything BUT boring as hell!   8:30 am: 2 cups coffee 12:30 pm: 1/6 of a 16" pepperoni and cheese pizza 1 toasted cheese sandwich 16 oz. sweet tea (real sugar)   2:00 pm 16 oz lemonade (once again real sugar) 6:30 pm 1 whole can of chunky chicken noodle soup 8 saltine crackers 12 oz. diet pepsi   WOW...thats kinda frightening! Obviously not banded yet but just curious to see what my normal eating habits look like these days....I kinda gave up tracking my food intake about a year ago...it just gets soooo old! I wonder how long it will take my insurance company to ok the surgery after the DR submits everything?? Well gotta go take a rest. Peace out...:notagree
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

putzying along.....

Ok, real quick...I lost 2 more lbs aat ww this week for a grand total of 7.4 wooohoooo. I guess its better than nothin. baout 1.9 lbs per week off...hey if I could do that for a year.....yeah whatever. I actually start thinkin of that sometimes....thats what the evil insurance companies want ya to think so that I will abandone the idea of wls in favor of a self paid lifetime of ww memberships that will net me a gain of another 50 lbs by the time I die, and a loss of another 10 grand probably....they figure better hers than ours!! Anyway, I went to my obligatory meeting with the RD at Cleveland Clinic today, and I was my usual 20 minutes late for the appointment...and she was rather annoyed...oh well. So me, the FAT dietician listened to the skinny dietician tell me how to eat, because, obviously THAT must be the problem! So anyway she was nice about it and really not condescending...thank god for her sake! So we talked about nothing for 15 minutes, Cleveland Clinic billed Medical Mutual $200.00 for the visit that they insist upon and I wait til next month to do it all again. OH BY THE WAY....Very interesting finding....I have lost 8 pounds since I was there 5 weeks ago and she did not even acknowledge it...I mean, I know you can't see it on me, but she weighed me and wrote in the new weight right next to the last weight and...not one friggin word like "oh ya lost a little weight, that's great keep up the good work" Nope, nothin no yes, no, go to hell...nada. Here's me thinkin I'm not doin too bad and waiting for that little crumb...how pathetic is that??? AND THEN THE GREAT EPIPHANY CAME TO ME!....I never thought I gave a rats ass about that little bit of praise that I get at ww...but alas...I crave it!!! I never knew it before because I hav never had it...but once you get it, it's like a drug. Anyhow, that is the secret to the success of the ww empire....not the good plan they have (and it is good), not the gadgets and food and stuff...ITS THE NEED THAT MOST ALL OF US HAVE FOR PRAISE, and for comraderie...like we're all in this together...we can beat this thing...I love you, you love me, we're a happy family....(Barney sucks the big one) YES folks...it's all about a giant multi billion dollar industry exploiting our basic need of acceptance and of love. OK...I gotta step down off my pulpit now before someone knocks my ass off.. Love One Another... Nighty Nite D:D
chameleon

chameleon

2
 

promegranate explosion

Or however ya spell it...anyway I ate a whole pomegranate just now and it took like an hour so thats probably a pretty good diet food...when ya burn all the calorie in a food while attempting to eat it that qualifies it as "diet" food. Any how, I recently learned that poms top blueberries as a leading source of antioxidants. Isn't that interesting??? I wish I had another gem to lay on ya but that about does it for today. Oh my Garsh I am sooooo bored tonight!:faint:
chameleon

chameleon

2
 

One week to workshop...

Me again, not much happnin lately other than my daughter driving me crazier than she already has. I thought this crap would be over with when she hit 20 but the stupidity continues....hopefully not forever....but for now and into the next long while it's tough love time. I don't have time to be used and manipulated even by my own almost 22 year old child. I am soooo busy at work right now that I can't see straight, which is good, it makes the days fly past and I do my best work under pressure...to a point. I actually found that point of diminishing returns last year when I was putting in 90-100 hour work weeks and my brain could no longer function from lack of sleep. I gave the company that I had been working for for 15 years the big heave ho and took a new job back in my home town that I LOVE! My problem now is the pace is much much slower and I must have multiple projects in order to catapult myself into martyrdom. Yes, I have determined that I enjoy self flaggellation, figuratively speaking of course...much to my husbands dismay. Well thats it for tonight.....One more week til I get to have my fat ass polaroided for posterity at the work shop....can't wait to be on my way! Peace out
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

OkeeeeeDokeeeee

Its been 500 years now and I am the only surviving female of my species. All of the original Doctor, Dieticians, nurses, receptionists and patients that I have met thrrough my journey to get a lap band have died off hndreds of years ago. I now weigh in at 5000089 pounds and my insurance company is still telling me that I need more proof that I am fat enough to get this surgery. They figured that I would live a normal life span like all of the other sorry --- patients that they had jumping through hoops until they just keeled over from a cholesterol induced heart attack, but no. I will not die until I get the friggin surgery. It is the year 2506, exactly 500 years and 7 months since I started this journey tward lapbandism. I am old and decrepid but I still want to loose weight, if for no other reason than to spend the gd insurance companies money. I have got used to the mean sales girls and the small airplane seats and the 3/4 length sleeves on the ugly fat lady clothes....why are there 3/4 length sleeves? Are fat women also expected t be dwarfs with 3/4 length arms I mean wtf? Anyway...I am used to looking away when I pass a good looking man in the mall and not laughing too loud as to not call too much undo attention to my already giant size 22 self. I am a funny person who laughs uproariously and often, but only in front of family and friends. I live in a world of stepford wives and peyton place propriety and I am like a fish out of water....I am dying for oxygen with these people who have cookie cutter lives and sizes. HELP! I am surrounded by a credit card weilding, drowning in debt very thin to mildly overweight river of mindlessness. People are measured by what kind of cell phone their fourth grader is carrying...."I got Bipsy a chocolate for her 8th birthday....those razor phones are so five minutes ago!" I mean P A L E E S E! Anyway, cheerleaders will always be cheerleaders, and jocks will always be jocks and I will always be somewhere above them, looking down and shaking my head at the waste. Shit...Im not even on anything that warrents this kind of crazyness...well...I better get outta here.
chameleon

chameleon

2
 

ok...the horny toad has gone back into hiding!

Well, it's me back to as normal as I get! I'm laughing my ass off at my last entry...(I deleted it already!)hope it didn't offend anyone too much but...oh well it's my journal. I have been buried in work at my job lately...I like it that way, time seems to be inching by waiting for this surgery date to be set and everything to be ok'd by the docs, insurance, etc. I will be sooo excited by the time I do the sleep study on the 23rd that theres no way in heck I'll be able to sleep! I wonder if they'll know if I fake....my husband never does heeeheeeheeee. Just kidding honey. I am very bored tonight antrying not ot eat the house down. I was enjoying reading my "most embarrassing moments thread" a little while ago. I did realize that it was very cathartic for me to put mine in writing, but it's somehow soothing to read about others not so proud moments...it makes me realize that we all have a common bond, and that is a comfort to me. Well, gotta go catch up on the boards...happy loosing. ono
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

OK...Its been over a month!

Time has flown by since I started this thing in February! It's been over a month since I posted anything mainly because nothing has been happenin on the WLS scene until recently. The CPAP man came to my house with the cpap machine last week and I hate the thing! They said my sleep study indicated that I have moderate sleep apnea. I think the sleep study really indicated that my insurance company had money to fork over to the doc so it turned out that my diagnosis would insure him of getting the money! I do not doubt thaat I may have some mild obstructive sleep apnea due to the fact that I am overweight, but I do not think I need this thing and I have been exhausted every day and almost unable to get up because I sleep so badly with the damn thing on...not to mention the unsexiness of wearing an apparatus that just perfectly completes the whole "ELEPHANT" ensemble that I am sporting these days! Oh well enough bitching to myself. I have also met with the surgeon, Dr Chand from Cleveland Clinic and had a laproscope stuck down my throat yesterday because I made some inference to some slight acid reflux that I occassionally have...that must have sent up some more dollar sign flags!!! Of course my esophagus and stomach linings were fine..thank GOD. Any way, I guess I don't hold it against them, because the more co-morbidities they can throw at the insurance company, the easier it should be to get approval...I guess thats the logic behind it all! I was laying in the procedure room reading my chart that is about the thickness of the New York City phone book, and I read the notes that the Psychologist wrote about our interview. I had to laugh. It's like everything you say is turned into a psychosis! I did a questionnaire for her and answered questions like: Do you ever feel self conscious about eating alone in public? Ummm I know 45 year old beautiful, thin women who feel self conscious about eating alone in public so why is it a disorder for a beautiful fat woman to feel self conscious? The thin woman does not have young boys who go past and make fun of her does she?? What the hell kind of question is that...She wrote that my perception of my body image is negatively affecting my social interactions and my self esteem. That was her take on my answering that question with a simple YES! I mean it's so retarded actually...the whole process...but, once again they have to show the insurance company how much this procedure will save them in the long run...think of the therapy bills and the suicide attempts this procedure would save for you....yadayadayada. Did I mention that I am somewhat cynical? Oh well what the hell...I am now just waiting for the insurance company to give the final go ahead and to get scheduled...I'll keep ya posted. Oh by the way, Myrtle Beach sucked for more reasons than I wanna go into...believe me it was NOT fun. My son and I stayed with some young friends of mine who just live a completely different lifestyle than anything I have ever seen so we were very uncomfortable with that situation, we also got sun poisoning and were sick as dogs for 24 hours and I ran out of cash because I screwed up my bank account with the help of some "small" ATM withdrawals that my husband neglected to tell me about....UGHHH anyway, some how we made it home alive and neither of us was ever so happy as we were looking forward to a 700 mile drive home!! Ok Bye. D. The crazy fat lady:eek:
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

OK...I'm Back!

It's been about 5 weeks but I've been wayyy busy and much stuff goin on. I had the sleep study and ALLLLL of my other tests and appointments, Now I'm just waiting to meet with the surgeon and get a surgery date. I'm glad work has kept me busier than hell cuz it makes the waiting seem less. The dietician at Cleveland Clinic told me of a verrry coool and very free website called Fitday.com It is absolutely awesome and I am learning lots and lots about how my eating patterns REALLY are and why I'm fat. I used to subscribe to a website called my food diary for 10 bucks a month but it wasn't nearly as good as this free one! And I would go through periods of not using it and feeling like I was throwin my $ away. This one, I can't wait to visit a few times a day...ya gotta use it!! Oh and I can't believe how hard it is to get 150 grams of protein into a 1200 calorie day! My son and I are going to Myrtle beach on Monday for 5 glorious days of sun and surf...even though the ocean isn't warm enough to swim I can't wait to get on the beach with a good book. I'm really gettin irritated about the fact that none of my spring/summer clothes fit me this year! I need to loose about 15 pounds to even think about getting into them and I REFUSE to buy new ones if I don't absolutely have to...not with this surgery looming and I do have to loose 14 pounds prior to surgery anyway to shrink the liver. Thats when they want me to be on full fluids for 2 weeks prior to surgery I guess, so I guess if I loose 15 now while eating high protein then I'll probly loose at least another 10 when all I can have is full fluids prior to surgery and then probably another 15 in the weeks of full fluids after surgery...Thats 50 lbs right there! Thats like 36% of my goal! I really think I can do this!!! Ok now Im gettin pyched again....I was goin through a period of Blahs there for awhile but I'm pickin myself up and brushin myself off now..... Peace and Love, D
chameleon

chameleon

2
 

ok....a little progress in baby steps

Well, They finally sent my stuff into the insurance company last week finally! Now I guess I play the waiting game for a while. I hope the insurance company doesn't give me any crap...but, I am almost expecting them to!! I meet and exceed every single requirement for this surgery so it should be interesting to see what kind of @% they come up with. On a lighter note, we have finally come to an agreement on the price for our house that we are buying! :clap2: yeah!!! So now I am dealing with the banks, and trying not to get ripped off in the process. I decided to do it online through eloan and lending tree and ditech and all of those but I don't feel too comfy about the runaround talk so I am goin into my own bank tommorow and see what they have to say. I need some luck God!!! over and out.
chameleon

chameleon

2
 

My PCP is an asshole

Oh...did I type that outloud....yes well that might be because it's the truth. I faxed my family dr a month ago with the letter form that cleveland clinic needs to send with the rest of my stuff to the insurance company. I have Medical Mutual and they require you to provide a documented five year weight history as well as documentation of any weight loss meds, diets, etc that have been prescribed. So anyway I faxed the request into his office on June 5 and a week later the clinic called me to see if he had sent it yet because they hadn't received it so I called his office and his secretary....who is a bitch under normal circumstances...answers and I asked if they got the letter I faxed and she's like Yes...it's sitting on his desk...I'm sure he'll get to it as soon as he can, so I just say "ok thanks, just wanted to make sure it got there..bye" so another week or so goea by and the clinic still doesn't have it, so I call again and the bitchretary answers and says Ummmm...I don't know what you expect me to do....he has it and he has made a couple of notes on it so I'm sure he'll be sending it in the next day or two....so I go Ok well I'm just needing it because it's the last thing the hopital is waiting for to get insurance approval for my surgery. So I waited until yesterday...3 and a half weeks after I requested the information and I call and say hello this is and she goes ummmm I think I know who this is and you calling all the time is not gonna help you to get the form any quicker, I told you he has it on his desk and he will get to it. I then say I'm just concerned because he has had it for 3 1/2 weeks and you have been telling me that every time I call and I only have off the month of july and the first week of august and I have busted my ass to get all the tests and appointments and everything required for this surgery and we are now waiting on a 3 minute note from him and I have been a patient for 20 years and my dad was a patient for 30 since he started his practice right up until his death last year and I am amazed that I can't get this note from him! She's like Umm Ahhh II waaa hold on and she puts me on hold for 5 seconds and he gats on thed phone and says "LISTEN YOU ARE NOT MY ONLY PATIENT, I WORK 100 HOURS A WEEK AND I HAVENT HAD A DAY OFF IN THREE YEARS. I HAVE YOU PAPER AND I WILL GET TO IT WHEN I GET TO IT!" and he then hangs up. I was in such shock that I actually started crying like a baby...I don't know why because I was seething mad. I think I cried because it was like getting slapped in the face by an old friend when you don't see it coming. Not that we were old buddies or anything but we have always had a comfortable dr. patient relationship and I guess it felt like a terrible betrayal. Anyway, obviously it was horribly unprofessional of him and I think he's just cracking up or something...he's not even old, maybe 50 or 52. Anyway I am now just pissed off and I want my damn record sent to a new dr., but I am waiting a couple days to request them to be transferred since maybe I have a better shot of him sending the letter quickly now since he humiliated himself. I actually half expected to have a message on my machine today with an apology from him but that's a joke.....the only thing bigger than a dr.s ego is his checkbook balance. It wouldn't matter, I am never going back to him and neither are the rest of my family who currently go to him, of which my husband, grown daughter, and mom consist of and I am telling the three friends of mine that I sent his way what he did. Thats one way to lesson his workload! Although I should mention that we have paid at least two years of his mortgage over the course of our relationships with him. Oh by the way his name is Dr. Glenn Novak of Austintown, OH. Don't go to him he's apparently loosing his mind.:angry
chameleon

chameleon

3
 

my friggin hip/leg is killin me....

Ok, well I am bored so I thought I would write about my stupid ass hip and leg dilemma. In the beginning of October my herniated disk started to bother me again...it hasn't for like 5 years...so then it went into sciatica in my right leg and then my right hip started hurting with pain radiating down my leg. I have been seeing a chiropractor and my Doc for three months for this now, I have had an xray which shows the same thing as 5 years ago, degnerative disk aka arthritus in my lower lumbar region..nothing new...but this hip/leg pain is now excrutiating and constant. I will be seeing an orthopedic surgeon next week to see what he thinks but I am ready to saw my leg off right now! I told ya I was bored...why am I writing about this??? bye bye
chameleon

chameleon

1
 

Mean People SUCK...

Ok, I have to write about the events of last night. I have been having pain with my back lately. I have a herniated disk and sciatica that kinda comes and goes, well right now I think it has moved in for an extended visit. Anyhow, it hurts like a beeeatch so I finally had to break down last night and go get my vicodan prescription filled. I went to wallgreens cuz it was like 9:30 when I realized that I would never be able to sleep without a pain pill and wallgreens is open 24 hours. So I pull in in my husbands big quad cab 4X4 Dodge ram truck which is hard pressed to fit perfectly in a conventional parking place, but it does, it just takes some doing. anyhow I was a little crooked but the truck tires were all inside the lines so I got out of the truck to go inside and some guy in his middle to late 50's with balding hair and a mean looking face is walking out to his car which is parked next to the truck but still has about 3 1/2 feet of clearance. So anyway this f-er says "what the F is wrong with you ya fat bitch don't you know how to park that thing? You would think that you'de have practice what with you havin to maneuvere your fat ass around all the time. How the F am I gonna get my car out?..." I turned aroud and look at his car and there was plenty...and I do mean plenty of room there and I go " Ummmm I think you can get out just fine and if you can't you don't need to be driving" Then He goes "shut the F up you fat F get your fat ass over here and move your F ing truck." I just kept walking into the store and he goes "You better hope your truck is in the same shape you left it in when you get back" and when I was going throught the door he goes "lets see if you can fit your F ing fat as throught that door ya fat C---" I got inside and I was so shook up that it took me 2 minutes to think that I better go out there and get his license number and make sure he wasn't vandalizing my truck. I picked up a pen and went out with my date book open and there he was parked behind my truck and just stepping out of his car. As soon as he saw me he got back in and with the window down he was yelling "What the fuck is your problem ya fat bitch did ya think I was gonna do somethin to your F ing truck...well you better be scared ya fat C---" After I went and looked at the side of the truck I went to the back of his car and wrote down the plate number. He was like "Your a F ing cow ya know that? Do ya think that scares me ya fat ass bitch? Finally as I walked by I turned around about three feet from his face and flipped him off. He goes Ya know what bitch that's the kinda shit that gets fat bitches killed" and I just kept on walking into the store. Once I was inside he drove off and I called the police. They came out and just told me there was nothing they could do about it because he didn't outright threaten me. The police woman who showed up was kinda laughing about it and saying theres really nothing we can do about someone yelling obscenities at you unless we actually hear him, then we could charge him with disorderly conduct. As far as the threats she said he would have to say "I am going to vandalize your truck" or "I am going to kill you" in order for it to be taken as a threat. I was so angry and in shock about all of it that I just left after giving my useless information and the useless License number to the store manager who at least pretended to be sincerely concerned about it and she didn't laugh about it like the female police officer had. The police woman was not even interested in taking down his license plate number! I was so appalled by this and I thought God I am so naieve to have been taken by surprise like that ...I mean when I was younger, in early 30's and I looked about 23 or 24 because fat girls always look youger just because we look like babies with our moon faces...anyway I expected youger men to treat me badly because it had happened a number of times and I wasn't even that big then...like a size 16 or so. What I'm saying is that as a 42 year old mother of 2 almost grown children and as a professional I just don't encounter these kind of men in my daily life ever and I was totally bowled over by the unprovoked evil and hatred this man showed. I am still reeling from it right now! Anyway, I just had to write this and I think I will also copy it to a thread entitled "Evil comes in many forms". It really shook my already shaky self image and I am now trying to regain my composure and my pride.
chameleon

chameleon

2
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