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Day one of starting over

I think one of the things that I have learned the most over the past 2 years 3 months is that everything changes...that is the only constant. It's how you deal with it that really counts.   I was banded February 10, 2006 my vision in my mind was I would take this band and get to a quick and easy slimmer me. Boy was I wrong! 5 weeks later the love of my life, my husband of then 16 years was diagnosed with Cancer. Can I tell you how overwhelming it is to be a "stress eater" and not be able to eat! I have to be honest I didn't handle it well at all! So there I was trying to learn how to cope with my new band and deal with hubbys new diet, chemo, etc and our teen aged sons. Lets just say I cheated a wee bit....   Fast forward 9 months...short story...we got into a car crash with the boys in the car, rolling and totaling the car. Thank goodness no one was hurt!   One month later....Hubby is on duty as a motorcycle officer and a guy runs a red light almost killing my husband.   I wasn't eating large quantities but wasn't taking care of me either. Guess what happened....nothing...didn't lose a pound. I got mad, mad at the cancer, mad at the guy that hit hubby, mad at the band for not working....but never took a look at me. Then I did. I was able to do so much to keep my family up and running but couldn't take the few seconds it takes to say "no Skye chocolate is not good for you"...I don't get it!   I'm slowly learning from my mistakes!
SkyeBlu

SkyeBlu

6
 

Hubby asked why?

Hubby was sitting on the couch watching tv and he piped up out of the blue asking why I was so adimant about losing weight? He told me he loved me like I was and that should be enough. I thought about it before i answered...   It has nothing to do with being "skinny" or "celebrity sexy" (granted I really like shopping at stores other than Lane Bryant and for a size almost out of the double didgets) but it has to do with being healthy. Being able to do what I want without restriction because of my weight. I want to get old by his side and watch our sons take on the world. If I don't get myself just a bit healthier I risk not being able to do those things.   I have lived an amazing life and with age and maturity I apprecaite things more, I want to see and do more amazing things and appreciate them at the time....not later or possibly not at all!   We talked some more about why I want to get to a healthier state and it turns out he is secretly affraid that I will get skinny and run off with the next best thing. Is he kidding me:eek:? If I wanted to jet I would of done it some time ago. I think I got him straigtened out because he set up his treadmill to start running tomorrow because he wants us to go backpacking just the two of us by summers end:w00t:....now that is the man I married.
SkyeBlu

SkyeBlu

3
 

Setting a goal

Today I was walking and decided on a goal for myself.....I can't cut my hair until I reach 140.   This is a biggie for me becuase I'm not into much girlie stuff but I love love love my short sassy hair. It is super easy for me to do and I know that if I have to "do" my hair every single day it will keep me on track from straying. Just a few weeks of dealing with my out of control mop and I will be moving and groving my a$$ extra hard to get the mop off my head!!   I even told my kids and made a sign for my cork board to remind me every day why I am doing this.
SkyeBlu

SkyeBlu

2
 

The blog helps

I'm loving the blogging thing....it sure is nice to have a place to go and write down your thoughts. I don't always have a particular topic I want to ask about or announce in a forum but just want to put it down on paper and for the record I hate journalling, pen to paper writing is not my strong suit but I can type like the wind :crying:.   I'm sitting here listening to my husband snore (as well as the damn dog...I never knew chocolate labs could sound like a freight train) and just enjoying my alone moment after a long, but good day. I heard bumping around in the kitchen and found my 17 yo son making a snack, my first instinct was to demand "why are you out of bed" then it dawned on me....my baby is closing in on 18 and he can honestly make bedtime decisions for himself. Turns out he has a major final in the morning and is pretty stressed about it so studying like a mad man. In the process he got hungry, how can I argue that one.   My point to my rambling is actually this. My son is almost 18! The first day I met my husband I was 6 weeks past my 18th birthday. I made some very adult decisions that altered my future permenantly at the same age my once premature, angel faced son is now. He is no longer that little thumb sucker asking for one more story, he is a tall, handsome, strong,extremely intelligent young man who hugs me into his chest telling me "that I'm the perfect snuggle height". It scares me that he will be out in the world very soon. It scares me that I had so much of my life pass me by and I barely remember it and I don't want him to do the same thing. He has such a furvor for living life, but then I have to admire that he just wants to get out and live life. Shouldn't we all? Isn't that what it is about....living our lives? It isn't about what house we lived in, what car we drove, or how our credit score was....in my mind it's about the life we lived and walking off into the sunset knowing we did right by ourselves, that we didn't settle. I know I don't want to settle....
SkyeBlu

SkyeBlu

2
 

Not a part-time gig

So I realize that I am 2 years post banding but this weekend it dawned on me my banding is not a part-time gig. I know that my learning curve is a bit handicapped because of the events over the past 2 years and I am just now having the time to evaluate and deal with the changes I need to make...granted this is just an excuse again but I can see how I got a bit lost.   I can't take week-ends off or a "band-vacation" I have to make this a full-time life-time commitment. This is the real deal! I know the band is reversable but the whole idea is lifestyle changes for the good!   I have total control of how I do or don't work with my band, glad i'm finally getting the jist of how amazing this tool really is!   I went back and read "The Sucess Habits of Weight-Loss Surgery Patients" By Colleen Cook and she talks about how for Obese people that food is our "drug" that it is a lifetime addiction that we need to deal with.   I FINALLY had my "addicts" enlightenment.... This is the moment where you don't just say "yeah yeah I have a problem" but you say..."I am changing the problem from here on out every day of my life". My brother was a heroin addict and knew for years he had a problem but wasn't ready to say NO then one day he woke up and said NO MORE, through a series of steps he got clean and stays clean. He has been sober for almost a decade but says there is not a morning that doesn't go by where he doesn't wake up and think about drugs...he just has to remind himself of where he is. I finally had my day where I woke up and said NO MORE, I realized I had a problem with food, thus the banding, but didn't really think about the processes I would have to go through mentally to say NO to food and the damage it was doing to my body. Step by step day by day I am making the mental changes to accept my addiction to food and I know that I am my worst enemy and my best friend I just need to respect myself. I am reminding myself each morning of how far I have come.   Rehab no matter what the addiction is not an easy thing...glad I have a support system!
SkyeBlu

SkyeBlu

2
 

A wholy $%&! Batman moment

With my renewed attitude towards my band and my journey I have been really attacking some issues and various things in my life. Durring this process I pulled out old photos of myself some from 20 years ago when I was in High school and some from less than 5 years ago when I was at my all time high of 218 lbs. I was only a bit overweight in my late teens but you can see the extra 10-15 in the pictures. I decided to up the ante in my weight loss journey and put my goal weight to 125'sh from the 140'ish it was at. This barely puts me in the healthy BMI class (i'm 5 foot nothing) at 24.4 but am not scared of heading towards that number for the first time in probably 20 years.   Soooo...to solidify my goal I went into my profile and changed my ticker and goals...after it was posted I read the numbers. When I reach goal I will have lost 93lbs. The enormity of that number left me feeling as if I had been socked in the stomach. For my height that is an entire another whole person that I have been tugging and trudgeing along with in life. I also recognized the other numbers....I have lost 57 lbs....and only have 36 lbs left to go. I am almost dumbfounded at the impact those number are having on me at this moment.   I want to cheer for my success and cry for my letting myself get to where I was. It freaks me out that I can honestly think about wearing sleak sexy clothing that I used to envy. I no longer have an excuse.   What a head trip my past has played on me. I feel free of many demons and for some reason it terrifies me. Is it because I now am willing to accept full responsiblity for my life and my actions where as before I didn't and would blame on anything I could?
SkyeBlu

SkyeBlu

2
 

Not motivated today

Not sure what my malfuntion is but wow I am not motivated to do much of anything! I have so much to do before I leave for Phoenix in the morning and it's just not happening. I even have the munchies supper bad. What am I so stressed out about? GEEZE :cursing:   I actually really want to go for a walk but it is so bloody hot here all the sudden. I don't mind the heat when I have an adaptation period but it went from the mid 60's to the 90's in a matter of a week! Here I am whining about waling and my poor hubby has to be melting in all of his gear. I need to get a grip.   It should cool off in a few hours I will have to go pound some pavement then! :biggrin:
SkyeBlu

SkyeBlu

1
 

Having a week

I am having one of those weeks where I just don't want to talk to anyone or be social and I deffinately don't want to put on make-up do my hair and get foofied up....I really want to just hide, put on my grubbies and work in my yard (I did this yesterday and it was heaven) unfortunately I had 2 seperate networking events today and have one tomorrow as well as a luncheon. No hiding for me :mad:   The second event was fine enough ok ok I had a decent time but when I was done I wanted to go home and be LEFT ALONE I pull up in front of the house and 2 of my new neighbors kids as well as the 3 from next door to them were sitting in my driveway, as soon as I get out of the truck I get a barrage of "why is there a cop in there, whats wrong with you guys?", "you have a cop in your house", "Why does a cop always go in that garage?" (fyi...hubby is a city police officer) and so on...THEN mom and dad decide to come over and want to chat...and so does the guy next to them...ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?!?!:crying: The people around us have said nay more than Hi with a friendly wave for years (we like to keep to ourselves after some bad neighbor experiences years back) and these idiots move in and all the sudden I have to play susie smiles....I don't think so...Homie don't play that! I just want to be left to my quiet self! Hubby and I decided it was best for all parties involved (including our kids) to get mom out and away, so we went to dinner and stayed out until everyone was inside and down for the day! GADS!   On a GREAT note...at the second networking event, the theme was "chocolate" AND I didn't eat one single tiny piece!! I knew I was stressed and made sure I didn't go near it so I didn't emotionally eat! :thumbup:
SkyeBlu

SkyeBlu

1
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