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About this blog

The ups and downs of my life journey

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An Update Is Desperately Needed!!

the universe works in mysterious ways.....I didn't realise when I logged on yesterday that it was 3 years since lola was readjusted after my assault...... Feels like on my bandaversary that I made an unconscious new start!!!! Instead of thinking of it being 3 years of hell...which it has been. I am going to call it three years of life lessons. Well everyone knows that in 2009 I was assaulted, my 7 year old son spent 10 weeks in a mental health ward for suicide attempts (he has multiple disabilities) that my beloved poppy and nanny passed, that I became the head of the family looking after my parents, brother, husband and children.....I never have grieved properly and to this day I am still struggling with the loss... In the last 2 years we were trying for a baby. since November 2010 I have had 3 miscarriages and my body is just totally stuffed. My last m/c was in Sept last year and I haven't been the same since. I have decided to try take my life back.....To concentrate on my physical and mental scars and help them heal....I don't even know how I am still standing after those 3 years....... So my life lessons, going through tragedy doesn't make you stronger...but it teaches you to cope better. I have more empathy for people, more than I ever realised. I have met some beautiful beautiful people on my infertility and baby loss journey, who have touched my heart. I am now taking time for me. I am not right. I want to sleep all day. I do not want to face the world, I don't want to get up. I feel like I am existing not living. I cannot work, due to my physical and emotional issues.....I am at home with my 10 year old son, who only attends school 2 hours a day, 4 days a week. I am a carer to him, more than a mum and that is really sad and something everyday I have to come to terms with. I want to find myself.....I wanna water the seed, fan the ember inside my soul so that I start to care for myself more, so I look after myself and one day will believe that I am just as worthy of this life as much as everyone else.....
Kygie

Kygie

4
 

new goal.

Going through this rebanding has made me rethink just where I want this journey to be taken too. I was thinking at one stage I would be happy at 100kg BUT I won't be these are my new goals.... I am being rebanded on the 25th of March soooo I am going to give myself some rough time frames to hit each goal and realistic time!!!!! I am 153kg/336pds   1. 149kg/327pds - 25th April Anzac day   2. 131kg/288pds - 25th july 3. 110kg/242pds - 1st November   4. 99kg/217pds - 1st Jan 2010   5. 89kg/195pds - 15th feb 2010 my birthday   6. 79kg/173pds - 25th March bandiversary 2110   7. 69kg/151pds - may 1st 2010   8 65kg/143 pounds - June 1st 2010   84kg left to go. I have some Major Goals. 131kg is the smallest I got to on my own in 2004 when I fell pregnant. Then I will feel I am going somewhere. 99kg is obvious ahhh to be out of double figures. and I don't ever remember being 79kgs!!!   I need to lose 84kg/184 pounds   That will be a total of... 132kg/290 pounds   Ive already lost 44kg/95 pounds Im determined to do this now!! the whole way!!!:thumbup:
Kygie

Kygie

1
 

sooo sad and angry

I saw my counsellor yesterday and she has asked me to keep a record of all my feelings as i go through this hard time......So I decided this would be the best place to do it......This is what actually happened to me on the 16th of Feb.   I am a mental health disability respite Team leader. I had a client snap 2 times the first I only got kicked 2 times in the stomach, the next week after having three days off I was assured that strategies and protection would be put in place for me BOY was I wrong. Within 20 mins of starting work I was attacked for 45mins by a lady who was like an animal...I don't wish to be cruel but I cant explain it any other way. I was kicked 8 times between my breast bone and pelvic bone leaving bruises and big as youe hand held wide open, I had bruises on my arms and I have a broken wrist in 3 places and tendon, ligament and nerve damage. Now I have my slipped band. Emotionally this has been hell coming to terms with an assault, not working, being hurt so bad and a work place that did nothing to protect me.   I am hurting both physically and emotionally and my main emotion is anger and fear at another surgery that easnt necessary:frown:
Kygie

Kygie

2
 

D day or should i say B day

At 5pm on the 25th March I closed my eyes to the lovely sound of Dr Bruce saying we will look after you.:biggrin: At 6.45pm I am in recover feeling totally nauseated and wanting drugs fast!!!!!:eek: After three lots of meds to stop me throwing up I was wheeled to my room at 7.30pm I did well til 3am when I woke in alot of pain. When the doc came round in the morning he said he had to cut away alot of stomach muscle to get to the band, pull the slip back through and re stitch it in place. I didnt feel like such a whoooose coz the pain is much more severe this time through. Broken left arm canula in the other wrist I spent a while continplating the toilet, this whole experience has been frustrating and painful both emotionally and physically. My husband had copped a barrage of abuse when I have been in pain and cranky, bring on the weight loss and goodbye wind pain pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :frown::cool2::frown::frown::frown::frown:
Kygie

Kygie

1
 

A Bump in the road

I was banded on the 5th Feb 2008. I was 196kg/431 pounds. I now weigh 153kg/336 pounds. I am extremely greatful and happy with this band but she has been broken from an assault at work. I was kicked n punched for 45 mins and it bought on stomach trauma and vommiting and I found out yesterday that I need a new band. The band is being taken out and the new one put in on Wednesday the 25th of March. Its all daunting and I am trying to prepare myself for this new journey Ky
Kygie

Kygie

1
 

Wow

On the 23rd of March just before repositioning this is what I wrote       new goal.   Posted 03-23-2009 at 11:44 AM by Kygie Tags   Going through this rebanding has made me rethink just where I want this journey to be taken too. I was thinking at one stage I would be happy at 100kg BUT I won't be these are my new goals.... I am being rebanded on the 25th of March soooo I am going to give myself some rough time frames to hit each goal and realistic time!!!!! I am 153kg/336pds   1. 149kg/327pds - 25th April Anzac day     I offically am today 147kg/323lbs and I am over the moon. I have reached my first goal 17 days before I expected too. OMG.    
Kygie

Kygie

2
 

12 days in

Well Day 12 after my bump in the road. I took some piccys yesterday and its amazing at the loss already. I have redfined how much I want to lose and I have my mini goals. I am starting to feel somewhat normal. I still have the infection and I get tired fast but i'll get there I feel so much more positive today than the last 12 days :wub:
Kygie

Kygie

1
 

infection

On Monday I went to see my GP as my wounds didn;t look great. He said I have an infection in at least one of them the others seem ok!! No wonder I have still been so sore. I went onto mushy kinda foods yesterday....luckily I guess I know what I can and can't eat at this stage so I have been keeping full, unfortunately not busy though. My mind is going insane having way too much time on my hands to think
Kygie

Kygie

2
 

been a hard year

Well since April last year I now weigh around 180kg. I didnt have fill put in my band and The post traumatic stress from my assault last feb really took a toll on me. carbs became my best friend and I had a broken wrist and Ankle at the same time and spent 5 months in a wheel chair, my darling poppa passed in May (my only father figure) and then my nan in November. In december I finally snapped out of the fog and I have had some fill put in the band but I still sabotage myself. Weight so isnt about what you put in your mouth BUT why you put it in your mouth. I bought a mini pedal bike last thursday it arrived and i have done 40 mins 3 times now. Easter was bad as I had all the chocolate I was given but its almost gone now so now its up to me to get on my lil bike and pedal to weight loss. I am having surgery on my wrist tomorrow and its sad that 14 months after my assault my body still isnt healed, but my mind is almost ready to get going again. Really no one can force you into this you need to be ready to decide what you are willing to put into your body. Ive done 20 mins on my bike and my last easter egg is sitting here and I know I am going to eat it and then all the chocolate is gone and I can be on my way once more Here is to a new year!!!
Kygie

Kygie

1
 

My update for renewal

This has been a very very hard slog. I remember where I was this time last year and it seems like forever away.   On the 21st of Jan 2008 I started with measurements of.....   BUST 152cm 60 inches WAIST 154cm 61 inches HIPS 196cm 77 inches   I weighed 197kgs. Today before rebanding My measurements are...   BUST 131cm 51.5 inches WAIST 118cm 46.5 inches HIPS 158cm 62 inches   I now weigh 153kgs. Ive lost a total of....   BUST 21cm 8.5 inches WAIST 36cm 14 inches HIPS 38cm 15 inches       Ive lost a total of 44kgs in the last 12 months and I am ecctatic!!!!!   Hopefully my new band is as kind to me as this one has been. I am calling her Kekona....It means second born in Hawiian. I think It is very fitting.   Cheers to me and my newest friend:cheers2:
Kygie

Kygie

2
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